AN: Sam and Dean are my ultimate ship. They are the OTP of OTP's and the reason I got into fanfiction in the first place. I have started countless stories for them, but never succeeded in finishing one. I still don't think I have, but I'm posting this anyway because maybe getting this out of my system will help me write more for them. This one is set early season 8 when Dean is fresh back from Purgatory.

Dean was upset, that much Sam could tell. But then, he was always upset, wasn't he? Didn't matter that he'd been in Purgatory for a year. Hell, he could have been sun baking in the Bahamas for a year and the issue between them would still exist.

"Did you look for me, Sam?" Dean demanded, always searching for a validation Sam didn't know how to provide.

Sam couldn't answer, couldn't tell the truth, he didn't want to upset Dean anymore. But that was the problem, wasn't it? They went round and round in circles, spent so much time trying not to upset each other, worrying about each other, that they didn't live anymore. Other people progressed through life, grew and changed, had relationships, took them to the next level, but between himself and Dean things had stalled. It might be a weird thing to think about his brother, but then nothing about their lives had ever been normal.

"Good," Dean said. "That's good. How we always told each other not to look for each other. That's smart. Good for you. Of course, we always ignored that because of our deep, abiding love for each other, but not this time. Right, Sammy?"

"It's not like that, Dean. I didn't plan to move on, but when the opportunity presented itself, I thought about it, and I know what you would have done, but I'm different. I did what thought you'd want me to do. And I do love you, I'm here aren't I? But I can't keep doing this. Not anymore."

"What the hell does that mean?" Dean said, his own exasperation obvious.

"I feel like I'm stuck, Dean. Like we're stuck. You and me. I feel so much for you but there's nothing I can do about it. So, the choices were to do something about it, or to let you go, and you were gone so I let you go."

"So what, Sammy? You don't wanna be around me anymore? Is that it?"

"No, Dean. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying I want to stay, but I can't unless something changes."

Dean frowned, at a loss.

"I don't know what you want me to do."

Sam didn't know how Dean couldn't have figured it out yet.

"Do you honestly not feel it?" he asked, almost like he was pleading for Dean to look deeper and see the truth. "How strong and all-consuming this thing between us is. Honestly, why the hell do you think we're so damn frustrated all the time?"

Dean was shocked into silence. And then Sam saw him pushing something down, backing away like he always did when they might be about to have some sort of emotional breakthrough. It frustrated Sam like always, but he couldn't be mad. That's just who Dean was. It took him time to process things like this.

"I'm gonna let you think about that. Let me know when you figure out if and how we move forward from here."

xxx

Sam had put the ball in his court, and that was unusual. He usually pushed and pushed until he got answers, but this time he'd let it drop. That freaked Dean out as much as anything, not to mention that he'd used the word 'if'. What the hell did that mean? If we move on from here. Was Sam breaking up with him? Dean couldn't stand the thought of them going their separate ways. If there was one certainty in this entire messed up world it was that he and Sam needed to stick together.

So, suddenly it was all on him. What had Sam said? I feel so much for you but there's nothing I can do about it. What did that mean? Didn't they do something about it every time they risked their necks to save each other's lives? What could be a more obvious demonstration of their feelings than that?

"Don't burst a blood vessel," Sam said from the passenger's seat of the Impala.

"What?"

"I can hear you thinking."

"It what's you said you wanted me to do."

"I didn't think it would be this hard of a decision for you."

"Honestly, I still can't figure out what this is all about."

Sam huffed out a breath and turned to him.

"It's like this. Amelia was great. Smart and tough..."

"And you had a dog."

"Yeah," Sam smiled. "We had a dog. It was pretty perfect really."

Dean still didn't get it.

"So what's the problem?"

"It's not a problem, just a fact. I had the life I'd always wanted, you came back and I dropped everything."

"I'm sorry...?"

Sam sighed.

"I'm not looking for an apology, Dean. I'm just saying, being with you means everything. There is nothing that comes before that."

"Right..." Dean agreed, still not following the logic.

Sam scrubbed his hands over his face in frustration.

"Everything, Dean. Everything..."

"Everything..." He echoed because Sam seemed to find that point very important.

"Yes."

Dean really didn't know what else they could share. They worked together, they ate together, they slept together. Slept together... His head snapped around so he could look at Sam. Was that what this was about? But it couldn't be, that was crazy, wasn't it? They were brothers. Brothers loved each other this much, didn't they? It wasn't that weird to want to spend every waking moment together. Who else could ever know them better than they knew each other? Who else could ever understand all that they had been through?

"Dean! Watch out!"

He looked back at the road in time to see headlights coming straight at them. He jerked the steering wheel to put the Impala back into the right lane.

"Maybe one thing at a time," Sam suggested. "Drive for now and think when we get to the motel."

Dean gripped the wheel and nodded his agreement. If this turned out to be what he thought it was, then it was too much, and avoidance sounded like the best idea Sam had come up with all day.

xxx

Even after they'd checked into a motel, Sam could see Dean was still on edge. He'd obviously come to some conclusion but wasn't very happy with it. Sam should have known he wouldn't get what he wanted, because when had that ever happened?

Eventually Dean stopped pacing and turned to him with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Sam hated putting Dean through this, but they had to make a change, and that was never going to be easy.

Dean sat down on the bed opposite him and Sam waited for Dean to begin.

"In the interest of honesty," Dean said, looking up into Sam's eyes. "Because I think that's part of what you're looking for here, you should know I had someone too."

Sam gave his brother a questioning look. He hadn't expected that.

"Like Amelia," Dean elaborated. "And I left him behind for you too."

"Oh. I, ah..." Sam fumbled, not sure what to say. It was a step in the right direction, but he didn't wanna do anything to spook Dean. "Him?"

"Yeah," Dean admitted with a tight smile. "Ever notice how every meaningful relationship in my life is with a guy?"

"I never really thought about it."

"Me neither until I was stuck there, without you, and Cass was gone, and I missed you both like crazy. Then Benny was there."

"There are other humans in Purgatory?" Sam hadn't expected that either.

"No," Dean admitted. "Just monsters. He was a vamp. I wouldn't have made it out of there without him."

"Oh Dean..."

Dean gave him a sad smile.

"Is that 'oh Dean, I'm sorry I wasn't there' or 'oh Dean, I can't believe you'd stoop that low'?"

Sam got up off his own bed and sat down beside Dean, who was staring down at his hands now.

"Hey," he said, touching Dean's arm. Dean looked up at him, so broken and so captivating because of it.

"It's 'Dean, I'm sorry you lost him'."

Now Dean was looking at him like he couldn't believe it. Sam clasped his hand behind Dean's neck.

"I only ever want what's best for you. Whatever will make you happy."

"And what about you, Sammy? What would make you happy? Because whatever it is, it's the same for me. Your happiness is my happiness."

"Do you really mean that?"

"With all my heart."

Then that meant they were on the same page, so Sam leaned in and brushed his lips over Dean's.

"This okay?" he breathed against Dean's lips, heart racing like it hadn't in a very long time.

"Yeah," Dean whispered. "Whatever you want, Sam."

Looking into Dean's eyes, Sam put everything he had into his next words, understanding the impact they would have on someone as insecure and unsure of his self-worth as Dean.

"Just you. That's it. You're all I want. All in."

He saw it hit Dean, the realisation that he was enough. That someone valued him above all else, and then Dean was kissing him, slow and deep like he wanted Sam to feel every touch and the feelings that when with them.

Dean brought his hand up to cup Sam's cheek and rested their foreheads together.

"If we do this, promise me you won't regret it."

"How could I, Dean? I love you. I've been waiting so long for this."

Dean took him at his word, and caught his mouth in another slow, sweet kiss, and finally it was like some twisted up knot inside of Sam could let go because suddenly he and Dean weren't tearing each other apart, they were building something new.