A/N: 1. Inuyasha isn't mine. Sesshoumaru isn't mine, but wishing he is.

ASSAULT AND BATTERY

"Gosh! You're really spacing out a lot!" Kagome can't understand what brought this childish pout on Sesshoumaru. He got all huffy on her about her joke and now he's just standing there staring at her like she's an insect he was about to dissect or something…Damn, figuring out this guy's complexity is gonna land me in the psych ward one of these days!

"Hey, are you okay, Sesshoumaru?" Kagome tried to stand up as gracefully as possible but her effort looked more like a drunken stagger. In her haste, she wasn't looking at where she was stepping and her feet got themselves tangled with the sheets…"Whoa…whoa…eeep!"

Somebody let out a loud 'Oof!' and a pained'Aahrr!'so loudly as if a lion roared.

Dratted creature! Gods… the pain! The inu taiyoukai was grimacing and clutching at his side as sharp stabbing pain hit him in waves where the cursed miko jabbed him hard with her elbow. The demon lord couldn't help but roll on his side to ease the pain, his long legs bending and trapping the woman.

"Oh! Oh, sorry!" Kagome said somewhere from on top of Sesshoumaru as she scrambled quickly to get off her pained victim but her hands had a mind of their own and they are in a clumsy disposition today so it landed heavily on the demon lord's lower abdomen, uh…aherm, almost near the groin area.

"Aaaargh!" came another ear shattering roar of pain from the unfortunate taiyoukai shock absorber then another pain hit him in another part of his body. "Get. Off. Me!" He snarled/whimpered dimly, his insides were on fire! Gods! I can't breathe!

"I'm trying to!" Protested the mugger. "Just. Stop. Moving!" She snarled back.

But the added assault on the vulnerable part of the taiyoukai gave forth another round of rolling and writhing so Kagome can't get any good purchase to get herself up and off the thrashing demon lord. Every time she moved she would accidentally hit him. How do I get up from here!

She hastily backed away from her position on top of him and taking care not to jab or…heaven forbid…knee him in the family jewels!

Yes! At last, she got halfway up…

"Waaah!," the miko yelled as her foot slipped on Sesshoumaru's long hair so down went the miko once more but this time she fell almost slantwise on top (again!) of the barely recovering inu lord. The side of her head hit his hip and…(guess where her wayward hand went?)

~O~O~O~

The captain reached up from inside the back of her kimono and took out a pair of sai swords before flattening herself beside the door. She used her foot to slide the door open then with a deep breath the captain charged inside with her weapon held in attack mode as her father gave a ground-shattering roar again. Gods, his opponents must be formidable! He could be holding them off on his own!

"Father? What in seven…!" Rin was stunned at the sight she thought she'd never see…

A roaring Sesshoumaru was on the floor in fetal position holding his…aherm, crotch area in pain. The miko was also on the floor beside her father looking… totally mussed up.

"Well, that happens when you've been in bed for more than three days, you know?" Kagome breathlessly tried to defend the reason for her clumsiness as best as she could as she raked her hair away from her face. "People can get clumsy!"

"Woman, clumsy doesn't…do you… justice!" The demon lord was still catching his breath at the pain. His voice sounded grating and harsh. "No youkai… is as lumbering as a bear… like you!" The last words were spat out followed by another pained snarl.

"Aah!" Kagome stood up in indignation while the youkai lord drew back in fear of getting assaulted again. "A bear! Take that back!" She stomped her foot.

Sesshoumaru would rather battle a horde of crazed youkai rather than have the unfortunate position of being near this…this…! "You are a walking disaster! Arh!" He roared back.

"And you're a snotty temperamental…"

"Don't come near me!" he hissed as Kagome began to walk toward him.

"What happened here?" Rin was just looking back and forth between the arguing adults, so engrossed in their argument they didn't even notice Rin's presence.

"You are far more dangerous than any creature!" The demon lord pointed at the miko.

"And I don't get your mood swings!" The miko was standing over the taiyoukai with her hands on her hips. "You're worse than a female with PMS!" Rin's eyebrows lifted at the words. Her father being compared to a female wasn't a good idea to say and whatever PMS was it's clearly no something good. Oh dear…

"Be quiet wench! Do not compare this Sesshoumaru…"

"Rin!" Shippo's voice called out from the hallway. "What's happening? Rin!"

The call startled Rin. Great gods! Shippo might bring the soldiers in here!

The girl could just see it: Sesshoumaru would be livid with embarrassment and anger and he would take it out on his men…while holding his crotch. The image gave the girl a blush and an inward cringe.

But before Rin could go out and calm down the worried people outside Shippo and Jiro barged in and almost toppled over at Rin.

"GET! OUT!" Sesshoumaru's voice roared at them along with a sharp flare of youki. The volume of the roar was almost physical in intensity, enough to force them back.

"Get out!" Rin shoved the two shocked men outside. Gods! This is giving me a headache!

She dragged the two confused males at the opposite end of the hall. "You." She pointed at Shippo. "And you…" She pointed at Jiro. "Stay here." She pointed at the floor. "Don't you move." Both men looked shell-shocked but they nodded.

Rin walked past the miko's room leaving the two heatedly arguing adults inside. She returned her swords at her back to show the soldiers she's not into battle mode for they looked ready to fight.

The captain faced the soldiers and the servants. "It's all right. There's no attack. Go back to your duties." The servants sighed in relief at the news but they can still hear their angry lord's voice inside with a feminine voice also.

"But Rin-sama, we heard the lord's roar. Is he all right?" One of the older servants inquired.

"Yes, he is. Do not worry." Rin took a deep breath. "The lord and the miko-sama were just…arguing." Rin finished lamely.

A collective 'Ah!' came from the soldiers and the servants. They smiled and nodded knowingly to Rin and to each other and some of the female servants began tittering. They have been witnesses to the lord and the miko's arguments many a times and by this time they have all become blasé about the whole thing.

"Please, I repeat, there's nothing to worry. Thank you for your concern." Rin bowed to the soldiers and servants. Rin waited until they bowed in return and began to disperse. The soldiers gave Rin a bow as well before they too followed the departing servants but all the while Rin could hear them gossiping already and speculating about the root of the argument. Now that the miko is awake things will become more interesting around here.

Rin groaned as she rubbed her temple. Here we go again.

"What happened?" Shippo asked when Rin came back to him and Jiro. Rin made them turn around away from the room.

"What did you think happened?" From her spot Rin could observe the open door of the miko.

"I don't know." Shippo shrugged. "Jiro and I were worried 'coz you took so long to go out and we thought…" Shippo's voiced trailed away.

"Taisa-sama, forgive me for not following orders." The lieutenant bowed. "I was concerned for you and the lord…" They both stopped when she raised her hand to stop them.

"What did you see?" Her eyes bore into them.

"What do you mean?" Shippo narrowed his eyes.

"I do not repeat myself." Rin wished her katana was with her; she could grasp the handle as an unspoken threat.

"Sesshoumaru was on the flo…" Shippo began.

"You didn't see anything." Rin intercepted his words and lifted a brow as she looked at Jiro and Shippo. Unfortunately only Jiro knows the drill and the lieutenant promptly nodded and bowed in understanding and obedience.

"You may go, Jiro." Rin stepped back to allow her subordinate to pass; her finger pointed him to the hall behind her. The kitsune lieutenant bowed and left. She's sure he'll be swamped with questions at the barracks. I hate damage control.

Shippo was impatiently tapping his foot on the floor. "So is it true Kagome's awake now?"

Rin sighed deeply. "Yes. Probably while we were having dinner. Shippo…" Rin looked at her friend. "Whatever you saw…"

Shippo waved his hand. "Yeah, yeah. I know. I got it, 'don't ask, don't tell', 'see no evil, hear no evil, say no…"

"Shippo…?" Rin's voice was saccharine sweet.

"Y-yeah?" The young kitsune got captivated by her voice.

"Shut up!" Her hand yanked hard on the kitsune's ear.

"Ow!"

~O~O~O~

It was long afterwards when things finally quieted down. The two warring sides were sitting far away from each other, as in from cross the room, with Rin sitting beside Sesshoumaru and Shippo sitting beside Kagome.

The roaring was down to an occasional snarl or two and the taiyoukai had almost recovered from his ordeal aided by hot cups of sake but Rin knows her father's still in pain from the intermittent flare of youki but one can't tell by just looking at him.

The servants were allowed to bring tea and some refreshments before Rin was finally able to get heads or tails at what happened.

"So that's what happened! I didn't mean it! He just got angry and then I tripped and I fell on top of him…" Both Rin's and Shippo's brows hitched up. "I can't get up and I hit him…there…." Kagome felt her cheeks burn when Sesshoumaru snarled again so she hastily buried her face in her teacup. Shippo tried his best not to laugh.

"Well, look at the bright side, Kagome, you have invented a new form of self defense." Rin's flippant comment was stopped by a snarl from her father. The girl just sheepishly shrugged.

~}O{~