Chapter 7: Confession

Summary:

"New" Valerie has some realizations after reading her personal logs, and decides to confront Leonard about her own feelings and see if her gut instinct about him (and his feelings) is right.

Bones had hardly been able to sleep and was up early to begin writing down some ideas he had for next steps for how to help Valerie regain her memories. Seeing more of her friends, going to Engineering, the officer's lounge—all were a part of that plan. He also considered the use of the holodeck to recreate some locations that might help boost her recollection. He sat on his couch with a cup of coffee and his PADD when his communicator chimed.

"McCoy here."

"Um, Doc—Doctor McCoy? Leonard? This is Valerie."

He quickly sat forward. "Valerie. Is everything okay? I was going to come check on you in just a bit."

"I, um—I was wondering if you could come to my quarters."

"Of course, I'll be right there."

McCoy was already dressed for the day, and Kirk had worked with him and M'Benga to adjust the shift schedule so that he could spend his shift working specifically with Valerie Maynard on her amnesia problem, but he felt dressing in his normal uniform was still the most appropriate measure. He was still working, even if the goal was just as personal as it was work related.

A few minutes later he was at her door and tapped the chime. It took a few moments before the door slid open and she stood there, wearing casual clothing she must have found in her closet. "Thank you for coming, Leonard."

"Of course," he followed her as she stepped back into her quarters, taking notice that she wasn't making eye contact. "How did you sleep?"

"It was difficult getting to sleep, but once I did, I slept well."

"Any revelations after exploring your quarters more?"

"Only that I have a wide and varied taste in music that was quite shocking."

Bones couldn't help but chuckle. "I won't argue with you there—I've heard some of your music—it is quite interesting."

"I—I, um—I also read over some of my personal logs."

"How did that go?"

"I felt as if I was violating someone's privacy—but I kept telling myself it was my own privacy and I was allowed to read it."

"Anything that helped?"

She frowned, but nodded. "Yes. I'm just not sure what to do about it."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed and finally turned to look at him. "I thought that perhaps looking up what I'd written about the people I'd already met since waking up might be a place to start."

Bones was starting to realize where this was going and nodded slowly. "I see."

"So I specifically looked up logs where I wrote about you, Leonard."

He was becoming more nervous now. "O-okay."

"And because of that gut feeling I had about you when I woke up—that I can trust you. And because of the contents of my own log files—I want to be open and honest with you—because I feel so lost right now, Leonard—and I feel as if you are my one life line. If I can't be honest with you, who can I be honest with?"

His eyes softened and he wanted to pull her into a hug, but restrained himself. "I—I want to be that person for you, Val. I want you to trust me, to be honest with me."

She took a deep breath. "I thought so. You know, it's interesting. Because of my memory loss, I feel as if I'm looking through new eyes. Even though it's only been a day and a half. So as I read my logs, it was if I was seeing things through two different views. The old me—the one who experienced the past five years. And the new me, who woke up and began observing things without the biases I may have had from those five years of experiences." She chewed at her lip, then suddenly shook herself of it. "I'm sorry, I should offer you a seat. Will you sit on the couch with me?"

He nodded and she motioned towards the couch. He sat first, then she joined him, sitting just a foot away and turned towards him. "So, lay it on me," he said hesitantly, fearing the worst. "What did old five more years of experience you have to say about me?

She smiled softly at him. "Quite a bit, in fact."

"Oh?" he said nervously.

"There are logs all the way back to when I first started Starfleet about you, Leonard. On my first day at Academy—I wrote about the doctor I sat across from on the cadet transport."

"You laughed about my divorce," he said with a smirk and a roll of the eyes.

She chuckled. "So I did! How terrible of me."

"It's alright, you apologized. And I told you later, just a few weeks ago when we first started talking—I didn't blame you one bit."

"I kept writing about you, all through my time at academy."

He frowned. "But we never saw each other, never talked—"

"Oh, you may have never seen me, but I apparently occasionally saw you. Enough to keep my interest up. It made me very nervous when I came on board the Enterprise—knowing you were here."

"I—I see."

"And then I wrote about my physical, and our finally meeting again. And then you—you delivered my results personally. And I continue to mention you in logs at least once a week if not more for the past month and a half since then." He swallowed and scratched at his neck nervously. She leaned forward and he glanced to see a slightly mischievous grin on her face. "Would you like to know what I said, Leonard?" she whispered in a conspiratorial tone.

"I—I'm not sure that I should. This all feels very… strange."

"Imagine how I feel." She paused and reached out, resting her hand on top of his that sat on his knee. "I'm taking a chance Leonard, because while old me only whistfully hoped for what your comments, your kindness, and your concern might mean…. New me… new me is quite convinced that her hope was true." She slowly raised her hand and pulled his chin so that he faced her. "Leonard," she whispered. "Do you have feelings for me?"

His nerves were about shot, and he jumped up and began pacing at her question. "This isn't right. You're—you're in a mentally and emotionally compromised position. I shouldn't be having this conversation with you right now."

"Leonard—in this 'mentally and emotionally compromised' state that I'm in—do you understand how very little I am sure of?"

"That's my point, darlin'—"

"No! Leonard—listen to me. I remember my parents, I remember my childhood, I remember tinkering with anything computerized or mechanical growing up. I remember acing all my classes in school, and I remember my parents being proud of me for something big. Then I remember leaving my home and that is where everything fades away. I can count on one hand the number of things I am sure of since that moment. You—you Leonard are one of them. And I need you to answer me. Damn it, Bones, do you have feelings for me, or not?"

"Of course I do!" He yelled out as he turned and looked at her with tears in his eyes. "And my hearts been breaking from the moment they brought you into sickbay, and even more since you woke up and didn't remember a thing about the past five weeks, much less five years. My insides are all torn up and the only thing I can think straight about is knowing that I have to help you find your memories, because I need to know that you know me."

"Don't you see, Leonard. At this moment, you're all I know. When I read everything I'd written about you last night, that gut feeling I had about you became so clear. Because I care about you so deeply Leonard that it transcended whatever is going on in my brain. Whatever damage has been done, it couldn't stop me from remembering how much I trust you, how sure I am of you, and of how much I care about you." With her last words she had slowly, carefully approached and placed a hand gently over his heart. "What I need to know is—can you care about me for who I am today—the new me that doesn't remember the past five years—or do I have to get those memories back in order for you to give me a chance."

He couldn't hold himself back any more. He reached out and pulled her into his embrace, kissing the top of her forehead, then her hair. "Of course I can—of course I do—yesterday, today—whatever happens. But darlin'—you can't give up on remembering. It could happen. We have to try."

She nodded into his chest and pulled back. "I'm not saying I don't want to try, Leonard. But I need the confidence that no matter what, you'll be there. That one day you won't give up on me because the memories never come back."

"Sweetheart, even stuck in this tin can, I've had five of the most enjoyable weeks of my life because you were there. You think I'm going to give up on you now? I never realized how boring and miserable my life was till you suddenly walked into it. I'm not going anywhere."

He pulled her back towards him and held her close for several moments before she took a deep relieved breath and pulled back again. "Alright then. First, I'm starving. Second, will you give me a tour of the ship? Seems like as good a place to start as any."

He smiled wide. "A tour it is—starting with the Mess Hall for breakfast, and we'll go from there."

"So, tell me a bit more about what you remember leading up to when you left for Starfleet Academy?"

He'd looked down at his food and when he heard her sigh, he looked back up with a concerned frown on his face. "What's wrong?"

"Leonard—would it be terrible of me to ask if we can not talk about my memories for just a little bit? I'm not trying to avoid thinking about them. But just for now, while we sit here at eat breakfast—can we talk about something else?"

He gave her a soft smile. "Of course, darlin'. I know I've been quizzin' you non-stop. I'm sorry if I'm just a bit eager to find what it takes to unlock those memories."

"I know," she said with her own smile and reached out to squeeze his hand across the table. "And I'm ever so grateful that you are being so vigilant. I just—I know we're going to be doing a lot today to try and see if something might work."

"So then, what would you like to talk about."

She smiled. "You."

"Me? What about me?"

"Tell me about why a man who grumbles and despises space so much joined Starfleet. And not the one-liner you tell everyone else. Will you tell me about your divorce?"

"Oh, darlin'. I don't know if you really wanna hear me go on about that, do you?"

She squeezed his hand again. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to know, Leonard. It's an important part of your past."

"Alright, well, where do I start…"

Twenty minutes later Bones had pretty much recounted the entire tale of his marriage and divorce, including skimming over the details about him finding her in bed with his former best friend.

"She took everything—my house, my car, pretty much the whole planet, and as I said before, all she left me with was my bones."

Low and behold, as if right on queue, Val snort-laughed again. McCoy shook his head and gave her a glare of disbelief. "Really? Again? Why is it so funny to you that my ex-wife took everything?"

"It's just the way you say it, Leonard. But come on, really now, you don't actually believe that, do you?"

"Of course I believe it, sweetheart, I lived it!"

"But Leonard, she didn't take everything from you. Your incredible skill as a Doctor, your kindness and good heart—your grumpy hard exterior that you try to keep people away with."

"Yeah, well, it didn't work with you, did it?"

"I think It's cute," she said with a grin.

"Cute? That's certainly one I haven't heard before."