Chapter 24: Papers

Nate and Jack were spending the day with the team. It worried Emily a little, but since Clyde had to take off to return Kurt to England for disciplinary action and she had plans with Hotch, they made it work. She wished she had a little more time with Clyde. There was a deal in motion for Kurt to avoid jail time if he agreed to testify and continue to help unfold the rest of the conspiracy, as well as try to get Lorna Puzzulo to do the same. There were doubts about the latter, but they had to give it a whirl. She trusted the team, but she worried that they would focus too much on her potential relation to Nate.

She debated just telling them, but it wasn't just about her. Nate didn't know, James still had a say in things, and she had no right to make these decisions. Telling Nate wasn't up to her. She hoped to one day broach the subject with James but didn't feel right doing it without his knowledge unless the situation absolutely called for it.

Maybe it was more about protecting herself. By not telling them, she could bury the pain again if Nate was pulled from her life. If they knew, the good friends they were, they would make her face it. She wouldn't want to.

She was focusing on the present, though, and she was happy that she got to see Nate meet Henry before she and Hotch took off. It was different than it was with Jack, but just as sweet. Emily looked forward to – hoped – for more. She wanted Nate to fit in. She just prayed she wasn't getting her hopes up about their future together. She was attached now that she could openly love him and be with him. The thought of that potentially ending was one she tried to ignore.

"Are you ok?"

"Me? Yeah. Fine," Emily told Hotch.

"What are you thinking about?"

"This morning and explaining to Nate why my neck looks like it does and how my friend got shot. He had no idea who those men were, and I'm happy about that, but despite shielding him from seeing anything, he's still affected by what happened."

"Of course, but he'll be ok."

"I know."

"We're all here for both of you."

"Yeah. Thanks."

Before leaving with Hotch to drop off Nate, Emily sat him down and had a real conversation about all that had happened. She explained her side of that night in a more child-friendly manner and gave him a chance to ask questions. It went about as well as could be expected, but he was still scared for her and his dad.

"All you have to worry about now," she told him, "Is being a normal nine-year-old, making friends, and having fun. Leave the rest of the worrying to me."

He seemed to like that answer, thinking about what that meant, but there was still something he was worried about. "What about my dad?"

"I can't stop you from worrying about him, but I can tell you that the doctors are still hopeful." Kind of. "And I have a meeting with them during the week to see what we can do for him."

"Can I come?"

"You can come to visit your dad, but not to the meeting."

"Not fair."

"Neither is life," she said. "But we deal with it. It's just a boring meeting. You're not missing anything."

That seemed to be the end of it. They went on about their mornings as usual before they went to Dave's for the get together.

Now Emily and Hotch were reaching the Hadley house and Emily was nervous about what they would find. It wasn't even about the will or papers. It was about seeing the life they built without her. It was different when it was only in writing or what she saw in London. She was walking into a home they planned to raise Nate, her son, in for the rest of their lives, even when Nate was all grown up and living on his own.

"We went through the house when we were looking for any information on them and the people after you."

"I figured," Emily said after realizing that he was talking to her. "Find anything?"

She knew the answer to that. The most interesting find belonged to Spencer.

"It wasn't an official case at that point. We looked around, but so much of everything was in boxes that we didn't even get through a lot of it."

"Well, I know where they liked to keep things, so we'll just have to see if that has changed."

Though, this time, when they got to the house it was in worse shape than it was when Hotch and Spencer went the first time.

"They must have thought they'd find something here."

"Yeah," Emily agreed. Though, Emily didn't know what they were searching for. She didn't know what else there was to find there, but she was going to find out. "Let's get to work."

Hotch didn't wander too far from Emily as they went through the house. He wanted to keep an eye on her and make sure she didn't overextend herself. She had a habit of doing that and he wanted to be around to help if she needed it.

While they searched the house, Emily asked questions about Jack and what had been happening the past few months since she last visited. The house was in such disarray that she didn't think she even knew where to begin looking and talking as they worked made it easier.

"I don't know what we're going to find. This place is… In need of a cleaning," Hotch put it gently.

Things were messy, but the place wasn't demolished. Emily actually liked the choice, was happy with their home purchase for Nate and sad that they weren't ever going to get to be the complete Hadley family there.

"Hey Hotch?" Emily paused her search and looked to him, a thought coming to her.

"What's up?"

"What did they do with Vince's… Dominic's," she corrected, "body?"

"In London?"

"Yes."

"They did the autopsy to get specifics on injury and cause of death. Since an ID on the body took some time and he turned out to be an American, they should still have his body in cold storage."

It sounded so clinical. Her friend's body was in cold storage.

"Do you think we can have his body sent here? I can handle it on my own. I just thought with that the red tape and bureaucracy, it would be better if I had someone with more clout than an Interpol boss thousands of miles away on what is now classified as a medical leave of absence. I'll get Clyde to handle the London side of things if you can help out with the red tape on this end."

"I think that can be arranged."

"I'd like Nate and James to have closure. A proper burial might help."

"Sounds like a good idea."

"I'll call Clyde once we're done here and see if he can get things rolling."

"Have him call me after. We'll talk," he said.

"Great. Now, want to help me up the stairs?"

So far, they hadn't found anything. Going into it, Emily told herself that she wouldn't censor anything they found. Though it was unlikely, especially after the place was tossed, Emily decided that if they found something with any hint that she was the donor, she would tell him everything. It would be her excuse to let the flood gates down. She had been holding on to a twisted sense of loyalty and self-preservation.

Hotch laughed. "Sure. Come on."

They scoured every inch of the house. Eventually, they found a small lockbox, the same one Spencer found, just in a completely different place, broken apart and tossed on the ground upstairs. Together, they went through the scattered papers until they came across some that might be useful.

"Birth certificate," Hotch said, holding it up. "We should take that."

Emily nodded. "There are some medical records and things like that which will be good to have." She flipped through some more papers. "Here we go." Emily handed Hotch a small pile of papers.

He started to read it over, Emily impatiently waiting for him to finish it. She kept herself busy by looking at all the photos. Emily had an inkling that Bardolino himself was in this house. Some of the pictures of the family together were ripped up, torn right through James' head. Definitely the work of an angry goon, or a teen girl going through a moment of angst. Emily was going to assume the former.

"This is a pretty standard document. Has the legal talk."

"Anything about Nate?"

"Here." Hotch passed it back to her, his finger pointing out the portion he wanted her to read.

"In the event that neither parent, Vincent or James Hadley, can care for the child, Nathaniel Matthew Hadley, custody should be awarded to the child's biological mother," Emily looked up from the paper and to Hotch.

"The name's redacted."

"I can see that," Emily said.

"The lawyer should have a copy with the name visible. We'll have to find out who the donor was and whether she would want custody before we can move forward with your own case. Do you think Nate knows who she is?"

"No, I don't think he does."

"It has to be someone they know well enough to trust Nate to her. A friend?"

Emily was surprised to learn that they named her in the will as Nate's guardian. They probably thought it would never come to that but had to know that it was a possibility given the life on the run they were leading and the threat of Vince's family.

"Emily? Are you alright?"

"What?"

"I was talking to you about going to the lawyer and you spaced out, so I asked if you were ok."

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He didn't buy it. "What is it? Are you worried that whoever she is won't let you see Nate if we can't get you custody? Even if this woman is named, it doesn't mean she is going to want to take him. You should still be able to see him. He'll want to see you."

"No… I'm not worried about her. I don't think that's going to be a problem."

Hmm, he thought. She knew something and he wanted to know what that was. "Do you know who she is? The donor?"

"Yeah… I do."

He looked at her expectantly. "Well? Who is she? How well do you know her?"

"Sometimes I think I know her very well. Other times, I'm not sure if I know her at all."

He was confused and Emily picked up on that. "What?"

She took a deep breath and stopped fidgeting with her fingers.

"What I'm trying to say is that… She's… She's me," she answered honestly. "I am his mother, biologically."

"What? Emily…"

He'd be lying if he said he didn't see any similarities between Emily and Nate, but he didn't think they were related. So many people have things in common that he didn't read into it. Now he was asking himself why he didn't and why Emily never mentioned Nate. He thought back through the years, to Emily's return to the team after Paris and her overcompensating, giving him parenting advice and little things like that through the years. Was there more than just a blood relation?

"I know it's… it's crazy, right?" Emily let out a sad kind of laugh. "I was younger and naive and didn't think about how hard it would be to know he was there and not be a more active part of his life. But my friend asked, and I jumped to do it for them. I wanted to. But it was insane. Who says yes to that?"

He reached out and put his hand on hers, offering her a calming comfort. "I don't think it's crazy. You did a wonderful thing for someone important to you."

"And look where we all ended up. I was lied to. Nate has lived an unstable life, the one thing I promised myself that if I ever had kids I would never let happen." And, while technically he wasn't her kid, it still bothered her like he was, because she loved him and would even if there wasn't blood between them. "And I've had to live with this… this weight on my heart knowing I wasn't allowed to be in his life."

"Did you know when you agreed that Vince was really Dominic?"

"I had no idea. None at all. He was just the man my friend fell in love with. James never told me anything and I don't think he knew for a while."

"Why say yes?"

"Because I was young and stupid," Emily sadly joked. "I was hesitant at first. But James made it sound magical. I knew how badly they wanted a family. James' family was all gone except for me and Vince didn't have any family to speak of, we thought. It seemed so simple. All I had to do was take some medicine for a few weeks, get a small procedure done, and that was that. They'd get my egg, and my part was done."

Hotch didn't think that sounded as simple as she tried to make it seem. Obviously, it weighed on her. That much was clear, but he would press that at some other point and use her free flow of information as a knowledge gathering moment.

"You didn't carry the baby?"

"No… they wanted a donor they knew, but I wouldn't do that. I was just starting out in my career and, even if that wasn't a factor, I wouldn't have said yes to that."

"It would have been too hard," he surmised.

Emily nodded. Not that it wasn't still hard… "It wasn't my baby. Not really. If I carried him, I wouldn't be able to give him up. So they had a surrogate, a sweet girl, and I was thrilled when she got pregnant the first time. I was there with them, so excited every step of the way, and they allowed me to be a part of it all."

"The first time?"

"Yes. She got pregnant quickly but there was an accident that caused her to lose the baby. It was heartbreaking for all of us."

Hotch saw the memory play in her mind, watching the emotion go on her face. She was surprised by how much the loss hit her. He could tell that she was much more invested than she originally planned to be back then.

"I'm sorry…"

"It was hard. It hit me harder than I thought it would, like it was my own loss. That was when I first realized I was in too deep. I was too attached. It wasn't my loss."

"It still was Emily. You shouldn't feel bad for feeling that pain."

"Right… they were torn up about it." We all were. "The surrogate, Heather, broke her leg and needed to recover, but offered to try again with them."

"They said yes?"

"Not right away. They needed time. It took a little while. I went off to JTF-12. Communication was minimal, but I kept in touch, so imagine my surprise when I come home and find they had a son."

"They didn't tell you?"

"It's complicated… I guess, but I didn't know until he was over a year old."

"I'm sorry… I can't imagine what you must've felt."

Terrible. "I don't think I could put into words exactly what I was feeling. I just came back from working the Doyle case."

"You were already messed up."

"I suppose," Emily agreed. "Vince was reluctant to let me meet him, but James and I hung out a lot. He always brought Nate with him."

Hotch listened to her story, hanging on to every detail, but he could see it was about to take a turn.

"Then we didn't see each other much at all. Just like that, I was practically cut off."

"What happened?"

Emily smiled because, despite what happened after, that moment still made her feel warm and fuzzy. "He called me Mama."

"Oh, Emily…"

"No. It's ok," She didn't want him to offer sympathy. It was a good moment. "Vince was threatened. He really didn't want me to be a part of Nate's life and then that happened. I was stunned when it did because I never even said the word. I wasn't meant to be his mama. But I loved it… More than I should have. Vince was angry. It was right around Christmas too. Let's just say, it wasn't the happiest holiday I've ever had."

"So, you haven't seen him over the past few years?"

"Not until James came to me for help. I got letters with updates and pictures, but I didn't get to see him."

"He seems taken with you, now, though," Hotch told her.

"Yeah, because I'm taking care of him and, right now, he has no one else."

"I don't think that's it, but, Emily, we do need to talk about this."

"Isn't that what we're doing?"

"I meant about the situation."

"What about it?"

"I have no doubt that you understand that taking guardianship of Nate will mean changing your life completely."

"I do know that, and I'm prepared for that. It might be hard, but how can I not do it?"

"I get it. I do, and all of us are going to be there to help you, but have you thought about what this means?"

Emily shook her head in confusion, not sure what he was asking.

"You're attached already."

"I'm not hiding that fact, Hotch. I love him. I always have. I've spent years pretending not to, keeping him locked up in one of my boxes to lessen the pain… Getting to know him just exceeded my wildest dreams. There's no denying that I'm attached."

"No, but you're not thinking about what that means either. What happens when James wakes up and gets better? He's going to want Nate back. Are you going to be able to do that?"

"I…" No. "I suppose I'll have to."

"Are you going to tell him? That you're his mother?"

"I don't know. I don't think James would want that, and I have to respect that, don't I? I just don't know."

He continued to throw questions at her that she couldn't always answer and left her terrified.

"Are you trying to dissuade me? You don't think I can do it."

"No…" He looked her in the eyes. "No, that's not it at all. I'm trying to prepare you. Life is going to change for you, and I think you'll be a great caretaker for Nate. You're already so maternal with him. A natural. But I worry about what this will do to you if you eventually have to say goodbye."

"I…"

"I don't want you to get hurt," Hotch said when she fumbled for words.

"I've already been hurt," Emily admitted. "I've spent years pretending not to be hurt by not being a part of his life." She shrugged. "Now, I just want to get to know him. I want to give him everything, and if there comes a point when I have to stop being a part of his life, then that's something I'll have to face when or if it happens. As long as he is happy and healthy, I'll accept whatever that means for me."

Hotch heard every word, and that was when he knew for sure that she would break if she was forced out of Nate's life again, but that she was the parent Nate needed. She was willing to sacrifice herself, her life, and her happiness for the child. There was nothing more motherly than that.

"Maybe you're more prepared than I thought."

Hotch told her that they could get the original documents from the lawyer and start the legal papers for Nate's guardianship if she was sure that was what she wanted.

"I'm positive."

"Ok. I'll try to get everything started during the week."

"Thank you," Emily said, "For listening too. I hope you're not too upset that I kept this to myself."

"A part of me wants to be upset. You like to keep things private, but who am I to judge? I like to keep things private, too. Mostly, though, it wasn't our business. You did something in your past that created an amazing gift for your friends, and it caused you pain to think about. Sharing that… That's something you have to choose to do when you feel ready."

"Thank you," she repeated, moving to hug him, embracing him in a tight squeeze. She was worried about so many things. Everyone's reaction to Nate being her biological child was one of them. In her heart, she knew they would understand, but it worried her anyway.

It was silently understood that what they talked about stayed between them. They would talk about it again, but she wasn't ready for everyone to know. It would remain between them until she was.

With the documents on hand and a few pictures collected, Hotch asked if Emily was ready to leave. They had spent hours there already.

"I just want to grab some of Nate's things. I saw boxes with his clothes. Do you think you can help me grab them?"

"Sure."

After packing those into his car, Hotch and Emily headed back to Dave's. The rest of the afternoon was tame. Though Nate was insistent they go see James, Emily managed to get him to focus on playing with the other boys after promising they would go the next day. By the time night rolled in, all three boys were worn from playing and so were all the parents.

"We should let Dave get some rest," Derek reasoned. He was staying with Dave while he recovered, even though Dave insisted he didn't need anyone there.

"He's right. We should get home. See everyone at work tomorrow, except you, Dave. Try to take it easy," Hotch said.

Everyone said their goodbyes, JJ promising Henry that he could see Nate and Jack again soon. The youngest of the bunch, he already looked up to the older boys. Emily was just happy that they all got along. Hotch gathered his troop. Nate and Jack fell asleep during the drive.

"Do you want me to watch him tomorrow?" Emily offered once they got the boys to bed. For now, there was a mattress set up on the floor next to Jack's bed for Nate to claim as his own. "I know he usually goes to Jessica, but since I'll be here and I'll have Nate, I can watch him, and they could play."

"Are you sure? That's a lot of work with an injury and a lot going on already."

"I'm sure. If you're worried, let's make it a half day. I can take the kids to the park in the morning and then get a cab to take Jack to Jessica's before Nate and I go to the hospital to visit James."

"We can talk about it in the morning. I also want you to see the orthopedic surgeon about your knee."

"And I will. They can't do anything until the swelling goes down, and, let me tell you, it has not."

"Still, make an appointment, alright? If you let me know when it is, I'll make sure I can be there with you."

"You don't need to do that."

"I know, but I want to."

"Fine, I'll let you know." She rolled her eyes. Between him and Clyde, now the rest of the team, she was going to be harped on until she did it. "In the meantime, you should really take your bed back. You have work in the morning."

"I'll be ok on the pull out. We talked about this. I have the pieces for the bunkbed here and I found another old mattress in storage from the house. Maybe I'll set up the office into a room if you think you're going to stay for a while."

"We can talk about it," Emily said, mimicking Hotch's earlier words.

"That we can. Night Emily."

"Night Hotch."

That night, Emily went to bed with another weight lifted from her shoulders. Not only did Hotch know about her relationship with Nate and was going to work out the custody stuff, but she had plans to set up a funeral for Vince that would allow Nate and James to grieve and find closure. She wanted something they could visit and remember him with.

She called Clyde the next morning to start setting that up too.

Jack and Nate were both under her care the next day. It was a rainy summer day, so there was no going to the park, but they made it a board game day. They played for hours. Emily included. Hotch, of course, called about every hour too, more worried about how Emily was fairing than the kids.

"We're fine," Emily insisted. "You don't need to keep calling."

"This time it's just me letting you know that I talked with Clyde."

"About… that thing?" Emily didn't want to say it in case the kids came around.

"The body, yes. It's going to take a little while, but he'll be returned to the states."

"Thanks Hotch."

"No problem."

That was one more thing Emily could cross off her to-do list. Now, she just had to plan a small ceremony so that Nate could say goodbye to his father. That would come once the body was in her possession, or rather, in a mortuary nearby.

Hotch gave her some more details about what Clyde was doing and what he would do once the plan was further along. He even offered to help her arrange some things. After all, he, sadly, had some experience planning a funeral or two.

"You don't need to."

"You say that a lot, Emily. I know I don't need to, but I'm offering anyway. Maybe one day you'll surprise me and just say yes right away."

"Never know."

"Did you call the doctor like you said you would?"

"Not yet. Don't worry, Dad. It'll get done. I did, however, start putting together the bunk bed."

"Emily, you shouldn't have done that. I said I would have…" The rest of his voice was drowned out as Emily pulled the phone from her ear. She was getting another call and when she saw who it was, she freaked out.

"Hotch, can I call you back? That's the hospital on the other line," Emily sounded panicked.

"Yes. Answer. We'll talk later."

Emily didn't even say goodbye, just switched to the other line. "Hello?"

"Emily Prentiss?"

"This is."

"This is Nurse Rollins from Mary Washington Hospital calling about James Hadley."

"What's going on? Has something happened?"

"Dr. Durant would like to speak with you right away. Could you get to the hospital?"

Emily looked at the clock. At the very fastest, it would take an hour to get there at least, but she told the nurse just that. She would get there as soon as she could.