Chapter 26: New Things
James woke up on the Wednesday after Nate had his first week of school, but a lot of life happened for everyone else while James remained unconscious.
Nate started fourth grade, and he was nervous and excited and everything in between. He spent most of his life moving from one place to another, so while he was smart, he was a little behind socially and a tad uncomfortable in such vast environments. He did well with one on ones and handled people he met a few times very well, but he had never been in a classroom, never been in a room with twenty other kids his age and a teacher telling him what to do and when to do it. It just wasn't something he was used to.
It was an adjustment, but the first day started out well.
The end of August approached, Emily was now legal guardian of Nate and, with Hotch's help, enrolled him at Jack's elementary school.
"I know you don't know where you're settling down next, but at least if he starts school here, he can take the bus with Jack and have someone he knows around."
Emily couldn't agree more. Although she wished she had a more permanent residence so he could go to a school he would stay in, potentially for a long while, Emily was happy with the situation. Plus, she hadn't yet decided if she was returning to London. In the interim, she, Hotch, and the boys liked the arrangement they had. Emily watched Jack during the day while Hotch was at work, sending him to Jessica's on occasion. Usually, Jack would go there when Emily and Nate spent the day at the hospital with James, which they did at least three times a week.
Nate wished they could go every day, but Emily was adamant that they couldn't. She wanted him to live a normal life, and that meant being a kid, not spending countless hours visiting his comatose father in the hospital. They saw him and got frequent updates. It pained her not to see him, too, but it had to be enough. And it seemed like it was. Nate was settling in with the Hotchners and her very well.
When it came time to sign Nate up for school, Emily first sat him down and asked if that was what he really wanted.
"Yeah," he readily said. "I think I'll like school. I can make more friends like Jack and Henry, and I can learn in a classroom like in the movies."
Emily loved his idealistic view of things but made sure to give him a small dose of reality to prepare him. She told him that there would be times he might feel overwhelmed or confused, or maybe even out of place, but not to forget that he was a strong, incredible boy and he had plenty of people who loved him. Nothing else mattered.
"I'm not worried," he confidently told her when the day came, but before that, there were so many things they needed to get done.
First came the funeral.
Clyde and Hotch arranged for the body to be brought back to the states in late August, just before the school year began. Emily was hoping that James would have come back to them by now, but he chose to stay in dreamland.
The doctor said that now it was up to him. He was breathing on his own, his injuries were healed, and vitals were stable. He was even classified as in a state of semi-consciousness rather than a coma. He wasn't "awake," but he was there. He just wasn't ready to be with them yet. It wasn't comforting, but, if Emily knew her friend, then he was off in some imaginary limbo having deep conversations with Vince about James and Nate's future. He would dream something crazy like that.
With each passing day, however, Emily and Nate lost a little hope. Nate just couldn't grasp why, if he was healthy enough and could wake up, his father chose not to.
"It's not really a choice," Emily tried to explain. "His body might be ready, but his mind isn't. We just have to keep holding on."
"We've been holding on forever," he exaggerated.
"It definitely feels that way, but it hasn't been forever. It's hard, but we must be patient. You heard what the doctor told us. He could wake up any moment."
"Whatever…" he responded nonchalantly. He was sad, but it was like it didn't matter. He couldn't do anything. "Can I go play with Jack?"
Before he could run off, without her ever saying yes, Emily grabbed his shirt. "Slow down. There's more we need to talk about."
"What?" he asked with attitude, something Emily was only just getting a taste of.
"The funeral for your dad is this weekend. Is there anything special you want to do to honor him or to sa goodbye?"
"Like what?"
"Anything."
He thought about it before answering, "No…" What was the point?
Emily wasn't satisfied with that answer, knowing he would regret it if he didn't participate or do something that day, so she offered a few suggestions and told him to think about it.
"I will. Can I play now?"
Sighing, Emily told him, "Go ahead. But remind Jack that we're going to dinner at JJ's tonight, so the two of you need to be ready in an hour."
"Alright."
Emily wasn't sure what she should have done about his change in attitude. She knew he was just frustrated and worried but seeing him so down hurt her. That was no way for a child to feel. All Emily could do was try to make it better and hope that it would lessen with time.
Taking a deep breath, Emily forced herself to get a move on things. Hotch had to run an errand before coming home and then he was just going to get changed before they went over to JJ's. She was looking forward to the dinner because, at least, when Nate was with Jack and Henry, he seemed more himself.
Time, she reminded herself. He just needs time.
Hotch came home while Emily was trying to find something to wear. After checking in on the boys, he knocked on Emily's door.
"Come in," she said.
"Just wanted to let you know I was here. I'm going to change and then we can go."
"Sounds good."
Before leaving, he told her, "I talked to Clyde today. They arrived."
Emily knew that "they" meant him and Vince.
"Why didn't he tell me? I would have met them at the airstrip."
"I think that's exactly why he called me instead. Vince was taken to the mortuary and they assured him that everything is set for the service."
"Thanks, Hotch."
"Alright. Well, I'm going to let you finish in here. I'll change and get the boys moving."
Emily nodded and waited for him to shut the door before starting to change. Before she knew it, they were on their way to JJ's for a calm, relaxing get together with the whole team. Since the Bardolino encounter, Emily and Nate had spent a lot of time with the team members individually or in small groups, but this was the first time they were all together again aside from Halloween.
"Welcome," Spencer greeted them, opening the door while JJ was busy in the kitchen with Will.
"Hey," Emily hugged him and Nate mustered up his usual personality and greeted him happily.
Nate yelled, "Spencer!"
"Hi man. How's the arm?"
"My cast comes off soon. I might miss it because of all the cool pictures, but not the itching."
"You should take some pictures of the cast so you can keep the drawings that way."
"Good idea. Can we, Emily?"
"Yeah, once we're back home."
"Sweet," he cheered. "Where's Henry?"
"Playing."
"Why don't Jack and you go join him?" Hotch suggested and they didn't need to be told twice.
Emily smiled in encouragement and the kids were off.
"Everyone here already?"
"Just us and Garcia. Derek said he'll be a little late and Dave needed to stop home first. He made something that he needs to pick up. JJ and Will are in the kitchen."
"I brought dessert," Emily said pointing to the cake container in Hotch's hands. He was too much of a nice guy to let her carry it as she limped on.
"Want me to take it?" Spencer asked as he closed the door.
"I have it," Emily responded and took the container from Hotch. "I'm going to go see if they need help in the kitchen."
"Be careful," Hotch warned as she began to walk away.
"I'm fine," she huffed, not bothering to look back.
"Did she ever set a date for her surgery?" Spencer asked Hotch.
"No," he responded a little disdainfully. He was not happy that she hadn't.
"She should really do that."
"Try telling her that. I haven't seemed to have any luck getting through to her."
"We'll have to work on it."
"Good luck," Hotch said. He had tried time and again to get her to go to another appointment and schedule the surgery, but she was insistent that it could wait.
He just rolled his eyes and the two of them went to join the rest of the group in the kitchen. They could hear the kids playing in the backyard while Penelope kept saying that she wanted them to come in so she could give them gifts.
"You have to stop buying them stuff," Emily claimed. "You practically bought Nate a new wardrobe already. How are you not broke?"
"I'm a smart shopper," Penelope insisted. "I don't have any kiddies and they won't be little forever, so let me enjoy it while I can. Unless one of you want to breed a whole hoard for me to spoil, but then I might need to take some side jobs."
Penelope looked at Emily and JJ hopefully.
"Don't look at me," Emily said. "I'm single and old."
"Not too old," JJ added.
"Still single."
"We can find you a donor," Penelope cheered. "Oh Derek can do it. Or Spence. Will? Hotch?"
"Ok…" Emily stopped her before she could take it any further. "JJ, want to help out here."
"No baby cooking in here either, Pen. What will be, will be," JJ replied.
"Ugh," Penelope grumbled. "Well can someone adopt a baby then."
"If you have baby fever, why don't you do something about it," Emily suggested.
"Oh no. I like to return kids all hopped up on sugar and carbs after fun with Auntie P. I don't want to keep them full time."
The others all looked at her incredulously and were thankful when distraction came in the form of the doorbell.
"I'll get it." Penelope jumped up and ran off to greet Derek and Dave.
Soon, the kids were called in for dinner and everyone was having a good time. Unfortunately, Emily's phone rang midway through, disrupting the friendly chatter.
"Sorry. I need to get this." Emily excused herself from the table, stepping just outside the kitchen/dining area.
They could still hear her.
"I thought this was all taken care of," she said to the caller, agitation clear in her voice. "I already cleared that…. We took care of that…. No… Yes."
Those at the table heard enough to learn it was something about Vince's service.
"I made sure that all calls were supposed to go to me or Clyde," Hotch said, making sure the kids weren't paying attention.
"Has she been getting a lot of calls?"
"Yes. She always has something to do. I don't know when she sleeps. I offered to help, but she doesn't ever say yes."
"And she still hasn't set up an appointment for her surgery," Spencer added.
"She told me that she was going to take care of that last week," Penelope said, unhappy.
"Maybe she told you that," Dave said, "But she didn't follow through."
"She's trying to take care of everything," Hotch said, "And I don't think she's taking the time to take care of herself."
What he wasn't saying was that he feared things would get worse when or if James woke up. She was throwing herself into being the best mother figure for Nate, taking care of the apartment despite how many times he told her not to, and making sure James got the best care. It was a lot, and something had to take a hit. He was afraid that something was her and her own health.
"We'll have to make sure she does," Derek told them. He was going to need a one on one with her soon.
When Emily returned to the table, she was frustrated and became a little frazzled when she realized everyone just stopped talking once she came back. She rolled her eyes. They were talking about her.
"Who was that?" Spencer asked.
"Just had to take care of a few last-minute things for the funeral." Stressed, she ran a hand through her hair. "Nothing to worry about. I talked with Clyde. He's going to take care of the rest for me."
"When does he go back to London?"
"Monday. He took some time off to help out here, but with me gone, Francie in custody, and Kurt… It's all hands on deck there."
"Speaking of London and Interpol…" Spencer started, the rest dying off.
Seeing his hesitation, JJ finished for him. "Have you thought about going back?"
"I'm on medical leave," Emily responded. "So, it's not even something to think about right now."
"Maybe it is," Hotch said, seeing his opening to bring up the surgery.
Brows furrowed, Emily asked, "Are you trying to get rid of me?"
Hotch shook his head, cleared his throat, and continued, "What I mean is, even if you're not thinking about returning, you have to think about working again somewhere, right? And you want to have the option to go back to Interpol?"
"I do and I have it," Emily spoke like she couldn't understand what they were getting at. "The option is there." She just definitely didn't know what she wanted to do. There was so much to keep her there, and, if she was honest, she missed being around her friends and she loved them, but she also loved her life in England too. She loved her job and seeing Clyde more often. Ultimately, no decisions would be made until she learned James' fate because so much depended on that.
If she were truly honest with herself, which she wasn't being, London was her escape. She was never one to run from problems, but she feared that if James woke up perfectly fine, he would want Nate all to himself again. Then what would be left for her? She couldn't stay so close to Nate and not be a part of his life, especially after getting to know him. So, if that happened, she was gone. She was going to run back to London and hope that would help with her heartbreak.
"Are you listening to us?"
No… "Of course. You guys are wondering why I haven't had the surgery yet. Think I should have done it already."
"Well, scientifically, the statistics say…"
"I know what they say, Spence," Emily interrupted. "I've been a little busy and, while I'm not the fastest walker right now, I'm better off than I would be if I just had surgery. I told you I'm going to do it, and I am," Emily said defensively, the stress in her voice evident. "I'm just… waiting."
"Waiting for what?" Hotch asked. He tried talking about it before and didn't get far, so he wanted to keep this train moving.
"The right time," she answered.
"When is that?" Derek pushed.
"When the damage is irreversible or the chances of a full recovery diminish?" Spencer threw into the ring.
Emily looked over to Nate with a look of longing, like she was afraid to even miss a moment.
"I'm going to do it when I have time. I don't have time now."
"When will you?" JJ asked.
"I wish I knew. Look, my health is important, I know, and I get that you all care about me, but I just need to get through this weekend. After that, I will set up a pre-surgery appointment. That has to be enough for now."
"Fine," Penelope was the first to give in. "But I'm making the appointment and one of us is going with you."
Emily wanted to refuse, but maybe, she realized, she needed the kick in the butt to get on top of things. "Alright, we can discuss times later."
"That was easier than I thought. Ok." Penelope happily said, putting a forkful of pasta into her mouth.
From that point on, Emily steered the rest of the conversation away from her. They got in the occasional question and Emily did try to remain as present in the talk as possible, but her thoughts drifted. There was a lot on her mind. Nate. James. Vince. The funeral. Her surgery. Her mother. The team. Clyde. Jack. Henry. Interpol. It was an endless stream and, at times, crazy overwhelming.
Her head was spinning, and she was in no position to lose control.
"Pull it together," she told herself.
"What was that?" Dave asked.
"I said we should get going soon."
"What?" Penelope yelled.
"It's still early," JJ reasoned.
"I know, but I have so much I still need to do for this weekend and you guys have work tomorrow."
There seemed to be a collective sigh. Hotch and Spencer understood the extra layer of pressure she was putting on herself with Nate. She wanted things to be perfect for him, especially given the situation with his fathers. She was the one providing for him and she was the only person he had. How was that not pressure?
They could see she was struggling, and they wanted to offer help, but she wouldn't take it. Still, Pen offered to do anything she needed, and Derek offered to take Nate to visit with James if Emily needed a break. They all said they would do that.
Emily would take them up on some help down the line, but, right now, she needed to handle things predominantly on her own. There were a lot of things she couldn't control, but those she could, she felt she had to. That was the only way she knew to deal with what was going on, with the possibility that her friend, her once best friend, might never wake up and the difficult choice that presented. That was just the tip of the iceberg.
When they left, she could see that Spencer was itching to talk with her, each of the team seemed to want a moment alone to see where she was at.
"Stop looking at me like that," she told them. "I'm fine."
They weren't so sure. She hadn't really dealt with being attacked, the feelings being in hiding brought back up… none of it. That made the team edgy which in turn made them want to hover. Since she no longer worked with them, she was able to avoid most hovering, but that didn't stop them from calling often and texting little things. It was appreciated, but it was also not helpful.
It didn't matter. She would convince them she was fine because she believed she was, and she would make Nate ok again too.
Most of the next day was spent at the hospital with Nate visiting James. Nate's interactions with his father were fewer and more forced than they were even a week ago. Emily tried to talk to him about it, but he only said that he was sad. Emily was too. He was sad and he didn't see the point of acting like his dad was going to talk back.
"He's not going to," Nate had said. "Not yet."
"Soon," Emily hoped.
"Yeah."
Nate really believed that his dad could still come back to him but didn't want to wait any more. He wanted him now because everything else was torture. And now that he knew his father could wake up, the doctors saying it was up to him, it almost made it worse that he hadn't. It had Nate, despite Emily's intuitive attempts at telling him it wasn't, thinking it was his fault.
It was almost good that he had distractions. Emily had him help her pick out things for the service. They sat in the hospital around James, looking through the photos Emily took from the Virginia house. She wanted him to pick out his favorite of his father.
"We'll frame it," she told him. "And eventually, we can hang it in your room."
That was part of the many funeral arrangements she had to make over the next two days.
Come Saturday, and it was time for the burial. Emily buried Vince under the name he truly lived, not Dominic Bardolino, because that wasn't who he was anymore, in the same cemetery that James' parents were laid to rest. He, unlike Emily, had an amazing relationship with his parents, so, Emily knew that James would want his family together, even in death, and she knew that one day, Nate would want the same.
The ceremony was mostly for Nate, though she considered waiting for James because it would be closure for him too, and, really, should have been his decision. They just didn't have that kind of time. There was no one who really knew Vince outside of the two of them and James. Still, Elizabeth, Clyde, the team, and even Jack came too. Emily and Nate were thankful. It was simple, but beautiful. Emily asked a priest that she knew to speak at the internment, specifically requesting a bible passage that would help Nate understand closure and saying goodbye.
He found one that worked and made both Emily and Nate cry.
She held Nate close to her, pressed up against her good leg, head on her side as her arm wrapped around him. The body was lowered to the ground. Quietly, she whispered an Italian prayer she learned as a kid. Biting her lip, she held Nate tighter as he continued to cry.
"It'll be ok," Jack said, coming up and hugging them both.
It was the most cliché line, and if it came from anyone else, Emily would have been annoyed, but from him, she believed it. Vince would be missed by at least two people who loved him unconditionally and a friend who got to know him again in the end. But Nate would get through because he had her and a new extended family that welcomed him with opened arms like he was born to be one of them. Hearing Jack say that, though, only made her cry more.
Everyone surrounded them, wrapped them in love and comfort to let them know they weren't experiencing this alone. They would never be alone. There were so many hugs and words of comfort that Emily and Nate couldn't even tell who was saying what anymore. The only thing they were focused on was their goodbye.
"Do you want us to wait?" Clyde asked when the ceremony was over.
"No… Give us a moment alone, please," Emily said.
Everyone left but Hotch who stayed back by the car while they took some alone time to say their final goodbye. He could see Emily and Nate approach where the casket was and say something as they slowly released a handful of dirt over the site. They hugged and he knew they were crying again, holding onto each other like they were the only things getting them through this. When they walked back toward him, he didn't hesitate to hug them both before opening the car doors for them. Nothing needed to be said.
There was a small get together at Dave's afterward, one Emily and Nate opted not to go to, or rather leave almost as soon as they got there, instead choosing to go to the hospital.
"We just need to be with James," Emily said to her friends. "Nate needs that, and I need to tell my friend that I did right by his partner."
Everyone understood. Despite what Hotch knew about Vince and his role in Emily's absence from Nate's life, he knew she felt a sense of obligation and responsibility to her friend and her son. They needed to grieve and remember in their own way.
They came home from the hospital late and tired. Hotch waited up, but didn't bother them, simply disappearing into his room once he heard them come in. Emily slept poorly that night, with Nate in her bed restless too, but it felt like getting a true goodbye with Vince helped them.
The next day, Emily wanted to make things as light and carefree for Nate as possible; nothing depressing. It was about a week before classes began, and Emily took Nate and Jack school shopping. She was new to the whole experience, but JJ was there with her. Each student was given a list of back to school supplies both recommended and required.
She didn't realize how crazy the stores would be with the back-to-school shopping sales and last-minute rush. It didn't help that she was still moving slow and other shoppers were incredibly rude or that the kids were all giddy with the end of summer vibes making them run around like on a sugar high. They were looking forward to school and friends and all that entailed. She missed the days when school was exciting to her, but Emily felt like, regardless of the crazy shopping, she was getting the experience back with Nate.
"I'm suddenly understanding why my mother hired people to do these things."
"You love it," JJ teased, playfully slapping Emily's arm.
"I wouldn't say I love it, but… I don't exactly hate it," she admitted.
"You love it," JJ repeated, and yes, yes, she did.
She loved getting this first with Nate, a first that neither James or Vince were a part of or could take away from her. She didn't know how to feel about that feeling. Maybe there was some bitterness still hidden away. It didn't drive her, but it was there. She was just happy to be in that moment with Nate. It was all she ever wanted and wouldn't let herself admit. She even loved having Jack in her little gang too.
"Ok boys. Let's see if we have everything. Backpacks?"
"Check," all three responded.
"Pencils?" JJ asked.
"Yup."
"And colored pencils, too," Nate added.
"Markers?"
"Here." Jack held them up.
They went through the list.
"Looks like we have everything," Emily said, smiling bigger and truer than she had in weeks. "On to the next stop."
After buying everything, they had to go clothes shopping. Nate had plenty of clothes thanks to Jack's hand-me-downs and Penelope's spending habits, but Emily didn't want to be robbed of the chance to buy him some clothes for his first school day.
It was quite the experience and it seemed she and JJ were more into it than the boys were.
"It's because they're boys," JJ said. "They usually don't care about which colors go with what or which bring out their eyes. Makes them easy to dress, but less fun to buy for."
"I'll keep that in mind," Emily replied, silently thanking JJ for the mothering advice. Professor JJ teaching how to raise boys 101.
The boys were hungry after their shopping, so JJ suggested that they get some take out and then head to the park.
"That way they can wear themselves out and we can have some girl time."
"Sure," Emily agreed.
They got some food and settled on a picnic bench. JJ and Emily talked about "motherhood" and carpool, JJ trying to prep Emily for the craziness and fun of raising a school child.
"You're going to be in fourth grade, I hear, Nate. Are you excited?"
He nodded.
"And a little nervous too?"
"A little," he admitted.
"Why?" Jack asked.
"School's fun," Henry told him.
"It is," Jack promised. "And I'll be around if you need me. You'll have fun. I promise."
He would have fun and he was comforted that Jack would be around. The first day had its ups and downs, but it was an overall good day.
Emily and Hotch woke up early that morning. She packed their lunches and wrote a cute little note to go with it. Have a fun first day. Learn hard, play hard. Love E.
The boys woke up at seven to breakfast ready and waiting on the table. Consensus the night before was waffles, so Emily made sure to prepare that and a bowl of fruit for them. Ever the nervous parent, Emily laid out each boy's clothes the night before. After eating, she sent them to brush their teeth and get dressed.
"Here Hotch. I made some for you, too."
"This is much better than cereal," he said, accepting the waffles. "Did you make me lunch, too?"
"Actually," Emily said, pulling out a bag. "I went a little overboard, so there were some leftovers. Thought you would get hungry and could take it to work."
"You actually packed me lunch?"
"I did. Is that weird?" she asked, self-consciously.
"Doesn't have to be. Depends what it is," he joked, peeking inside the bag. "Carrot sticks, apple slices with caramel, popcorn, and a sandwich roll-up."
"Portions adjusted up for you."
He laughed. "That's better than anything my mom ever packed for me."
Mine too, Emily thought. "There's a no nut product rule and a whole list of allergens we're not allowed to pack."
"I know. Maybe you have this mom thing down pat," Hotch teased, patting her shoulder, and though she knew he was being funny, she took the compliment with a giant smile. He looked to his watch. "Wow, I need to leave."
"Boys, time to go," Emily yelled.
Together, Emily and Hotch walked them to the bus stop at the end of the street and waited with a few other parents and kids. When they saw the bus coming, they said goodbye and wished them luck.
"Remember what we talked about," Emily told Nate. "You're going to do great."
"Bye Emily."
"Bye," she said as he and Jack boarded the bus.
Emily couldn't describe the emotion she was feeling. It was a mix of everything. It was like she missed him already, but so happy for him too.
"Are you going to cry?"
"What? Who? Me? No," Emily insisted.
He smiled and put an arm around her as they waved to the kids.
"They're all grown up," he said.
"Too grown up."
He didn't want to tell her that feeling only got worse the older and more independent they became.
Hotch had to get to work, so he thanked Emily for lunch and reminded her about the bus pick up time before taking off.
Nate and Jack had an interesting first day. Jack was in seventh grade and jumped right in, no problem. He had a group of friends he had been going to school with for years. It was a little different for Nate. Jack showed him to his class and helped him start the day, but then he was on his own.
He wasn't sure what to do. There were so many kids, and no one was really talking to him, the new kid. It took some attempts, but finally, it was his cast that got him an in. Someone commented on the drawings and asked how it happened. By the end of the day, he was the cool new kid who was beginning to make some friends. Trying anyway. And he was so excited to share that with Emily when the day was over, almost as excited as Emily was to hear it.
That was pretty much how every day after went. The first few days were still a learning process, but they all learned together. School helped Nate's attitude start to return to normal. Of course, he still missed his dad, both of them, but he was trying. He was distracted. And he was smart. Being social with so many kids was still new, and sometimes it wasn't easy for Nate, but he did manage to find a kid in his class that he really took to. It was good.
And things were going to get better.
The next Monday, they had off from school because of Labor Day. Everyone got together at Dave's and they had a barbeque. That was when Emily got a call from Dr. Durant. James showed some signs of alertness. He was reacting to pain.
They immediately went to visit, and waited, and waited, and waited, but nothing happened. Nor did anything happen the next day. But James woke up that Wednesday. Emily took Nate for a visit after school while Hotch took Jack to sign up for soccer, Emily asking him to sign up Nate too after he expressed some interest. Nate was getting his cast off, and once that was done, they sat by James' bedside again, hoping and waiting.
They were just talking about activities that Nate might want to take part in at school when Emily noticed some movement.
James' hand had moved. She stood immediately, standing as close to the bed as she could.
"James?" she asked, Nate now paying attention.
A quiet grumble sounded, and Emily animatedly told Nate to come closer.
James' hand moved again. Both Emily and Nate kept talking to him, hoping to ease him awake. When he opened his eyes and his hand seemed to squeeze theirs, everything else seemed to fade away. The pain, the worry, the stress… All of it gone and they were infinitely happy.
But like with most euphoric feelings, it wouldn't last forever. It was an amazing moment, an amazing time, and they would revel in it, but things almost always got worse before they truly got better.