Chapter 27: Wake
"James. James, can you hear me?" Emily asked as he squeezed her hand and Nate's with his other.
He said nothing but was able to follow her voice. She thought that was a good sign.
"Dad? Daddy?" Nate tried.
Again, he didn't say anything, but his head turned so he could look at his son.
Another grunting noise sounded.
Emily could see the panic in James' eyes when he looked at her again. "You're ok," she told him. "You're in the hospital here in Virginia. Everything is ok."
He looked a little dazed and confused, which Emily thought wasn't unusual after a coma, but still worried her.
"Emily's been taking really good care of me Dad," Nate said, hoping it would help his father to hear.
"James? Can you look at me?" Emily asked.
He looked.
"How are you feeling?"
He gave a gurgled sentence. Emily couldn't tell if it was an actual sentence that sounded somewhat close to, what she thought might be, "what happened" or just a string of sounds.
"We have a lot to talk about," Emily quelled him, worried now. "But right now, your son wants to talk with you." Emily smiled at Nate and said, "Keep talking to him, ok, Nate?"
"Ok," he agreed, telling his father everything he could think of while Emily slipped out of the room to alert the medical staff.
They followed her into the room and immediately asked her and Nate to leave.
"We just need to keep him calm and check his vitals. Then Dr. Durant will come in. That's all. We're just checking on him," a nurse explained as she pushed them out.
"He's awake," Nate said once they were in the ICU lounge area. "He really woke up."
"He did." Emily smiled and hugged Nate. "He woke up."
"You don't seem as happy as me," Nate told her.
"I am so happy," she said. "So, so happy."
But she couldn't tell him that she was scared too. She was scared that the prolonged coma worsened the damage to James' brain and that his lack of coherent speech had less to do with the post coma fog and more to do with a complication from the injuries. Plus, she didn't know what other issues might arise. They knew there was definite damage, and now they were going to discover the ramifications.
It was like the finish line was in sight. Everyone was happy and carefree, but a giant boulder was about to come and knock them all over, maybe preventing them from ever reaching it. That was how it felt to Emily. Her chest felt tight, her anxiety rising.
She was happy, yes. Thrilled. But it wasn't over. It really had only just begun. She wasn't going to share those thoughts. Nate didn't need to hear it.
As Nate sat there excitedly, Emily watched the nurses come in and out of the room until Dr. Durant came. She wanted to stop him before he even went in, but ultimately didn't. She'd ask questions after he did his exam. In the meantime, they waited. Nate was anxious to get back in there and see his dad, unaware that the man in there could be completely different. Hell, Emily thought, he might not even remember them or anything. That would just kill Nate.
"Stop it," Emily told herself. "Stop thinking about the worst."
"Emily? When are we gonna get to go back in there? I want to see him."
"Soon. They have to check on him. Then, when they're done, they'll let us in. It's hard, but just keep patient."
"Then can you stop shaking your leg? You might hurt that one too," Nate said with a pout.
Emily hadn't even realized her leg was shaking, but when she looked down, she saw it was. And then it made her think about how she was supposed to have her surgery this week. She and Penelope met with Dr. Mezzo the previous week while the team was traveling. She was told that they could and should do the surgery soon and he had a few openings for this week. Emily was given pamphlets and instructions and decided to do it this Friday. That way most of the school stuff would be taken care of and Hotch would be around for the weekend in case she needed some help during her recovery.
But now? Could she do it now? Would James be getting out of the hospital? If he was then would he be ok? Where would he go? Would Nate be ok with him? What about Nate? So many questions passed through.
She needed to slow her mind. It felt like too much. It was all too much.
"Stop. Stop. Stop. Breathe," she silently coached herself, hand reaching down to her bouncing leg to hold it still.
They didn't talk as they waited, both simmering in anticipation. Emily and Nate held hands., both itching to learn more, but they remained relatively still and waited. And waited… It took a long time before Dr. Durant came out, or at least it felt like it had, and he walked close by, stopping before he approached.
"Can we talk?" he asked Emily.
Clearly there was something he wanted to say that he didn't want Nate to hear.
Emily nodded and stood. "Stay here, Nate. Don't go anywhere and I'll be right back."
"But I want to come."
"Not yet. Just stay put."
He wasn't happy, but he huffed an "ok," and allowed her to step just out of hearing range without any debate.
"What's going on?" Emily asked Dr. Durant.
"I'd like to ask you a few questions before I talk about his recovery. Is that ok?"
"Ask," she insisted.
"When he woke, did you speak to James?"
"Yes."
"Did he verbally respond?"
"With grunts and mumbles."
Dr. Durant nodded, like that was what he expected.
"He didn't say anything?"
"I don't know… Maybe. There was a point when it sounded like he was trying to say something, but it came out incoherent." Emily sighed. "That's not normal, is it?"
"It's not abnormal," he responded, but the tone of his voice and his overall posture told Emily that he wasn't being completely truthful. Something was wrong.
"You're prepared for this," she told herself before audibly asking, "What's going on? It's the brain damage, right? Something's wrong?"
"We still need to run some tests and give him a little time to adjust, but it appears as if he's suffering from a speech impairment."
"Like aphasia?"
"Exactly like that. The words are there, but the right ones don't come out. I tried to have a dialogue with him and he was able to speak in a more coherent way. Words were clearer and more understandable, but not the right ones."
"Is this… permanent?"
Dr. Durant gave her a kind, sympathetic smile. "One step at a time. He just woke up. Should this persist, with occupational therapy and a set rehabilitation plan, he can retrain his brain."
Emily would accept that for more, hoping it would just go away before Nate realized it was happening. It was unlikely, but she was still hoping.
"Is there… Is there anything else?"
"We're going to run tests now that he's alert. We should get a better picture of what's going on and come up with a plan from there."
"Can we see him?"
"Yes, though I must warn you that, while we were speaking, he became scared and confused when he realized his problem with language. He worked himself up and, in fear he would hurt himself in the panic, I gave him a sedative."
Emily didn't like that. "He just woke up."
"Yes, but right now, he's just sleeping. He needs it. It will wear off in a few hours, but he's likely to sleep through the night."
"So, we can see him, but it won't be any different than when he was in a coma for now."
"Just for the night. You are both more than welcome to see him. Visiting hours are over soon. Tomorrow morning, once he's alert, we'll start testing everything."
Upon her request, he explained what "everything" meant. They were testing for all kinds of deficits: neurological, motor function, speech, sensory… The list went on and just hearing it was enough to make her stomach hurt.
Her friend was alive but was he still the same person? Would he still have his smart-ass mouth that could match hers or his gentle, but outspoken personality? He was physically there, but would he be the same?
It seemed, somewhere along the way, Emily became so caught up in her own thoughts that she stopped hearing what he was telling her. She managed to come back for the end.
"This is a lot to take in, and as I said, we don't know anything yet. There was damage to the brain, which you know, and now we're going to learn what that means for James and his recovery."
"I'll…" Her hand went through her hair as if she was about to rip it out. "I'll be here in the morning for the tests. I want to be with him for as much as I can."
Dr. Durant nodded and told her what to expect.
"Thank you," she sadly said. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Get some rest," he told her. "And don't worry about what might be until we know what is."
Easier said than done…
The doctor shook her hand and left. She went back to Nate and told him they could see James, but only briefly.
"Why?"
"Well, he's sleeping."
"Again?!"
"Not like before. Normal sleeping. The doctor said your dad needs lots of sleep so he can heal completely."
"He's been resting forever."
He huffed.
"He sleeps too much. It's not fair. I just wanna talk to my dad."
"I know," she said, understandingly. She wished it was easier. "Soon he won't be sleeping more than normal. But he will be weak for a while. The coma slowed his body, so he won't… He won't act completely like normal."
Nate said nothing, just got up and walked to the room leaving Emily behind. She trailed him, not rushing. If he needed a moment, she would allow him to have it. He was mad and upset. She couldn't say she felt any differently.
She stood outside the door that just closed behind Nate, hesitating. Her hand and forehead rested on the door as she took a deep breath. Finally, after a few calming breaths, Emily went in. She saw Nate standing next to his father, tapping his arm.
"He's not waking up!"
"Nate. Hey, stop," Emily said, rushing over to him. "Stop that. He needs to rest."
Verging on tears, he said, "But if he was just sleeping, he would wake up."
"He will. In the morning. The doctor gave him medicine for the night, so he doesn't move too much in his sleep."
"I want him awake. I finally can talk to him and now I can't again," Nate whined, the emotion catching up to him.
"Come here." Emily pulled him into her, his back smashing against her legs as she wrapped her arms around him. "He's going to be awake soon. This isn't a coma. He is just sleeping like everyone does. The medicine is just to help him rest peacefully and allow the doctors to do tests. But he won't be awake until tomorrow, so why don't you say goodnight and then we can go home. I can take you back here tomorrow."
"No school?"
"We can come after school."
His bottom lip stuck out. "Alright." Though never really yelled at by Emily, Nate was smart enough to recognize the look on her face, the one that pleaded for cooperation before tempers were lost.
Miserably, Nate went to the bed, kissed his father's cheek, and said, "Love you Dad. Night."
"He loves you too, Nate," Emily told them as they walked out. "Remember that."
They left the hospital and met with the driver Elizabeth set up for them since Emily was supposed to have surgery which would make driving hard. She asked him to take them straight home. Nate had homework and needed a shower before bed and Emily just needed a moment alone. Not to mention neither had eaten dinner yet. Neither was hungry either.
When they got to Hotch's, the place was lit up with happy sounds. Hotch and Jack were playing in the living room.
"Hey, welcome back," Hotch called when he heard them enter.
He looked around questioningly when he didn't get a response.
"Let's call this a draw, Jack. Now that they're home we should have dinner. Go wash your hands and get ready."
"Ok."
Jack and Hotch quickly swept up the game pieces and listened for the other occupants. They saw Nate walk past them with a simple wave before disappearing into the bedroom, but they had yet to see Emily. When they were done, he went to check on her.
Emily was in the kitchen, shoulders slumped as she propped herself up with the counter.
"Emily? You ok?" Hotch asked.
"You cooked," Emily said, ignoring the question.
"Yeah. Jack and I did a little while ago. We got in a little later, so we thought we'd wait for you."
"You didn't need to do that."
"We wanted to," he said. He took a moment to really observe her. She hadn't looked up and her whole body was stiff. "Are you ok?"
She finally stood up and looked at him. "Fine." But he could see she wasn't.
"James woke up."
"What? That's amazing."
"Yeah," she spoke dejectedly.
"Not amazing?"
She simply shrugged.
"Hey, what's going on?" he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder to keep her attention.
She moved away from his touch. It wasn't a reaction to him so much as it was an emotional escape. His comfort, she believed, might make her lose it.
"Can we talk about this later?"
"Sure. Sure. Why don't we all sit down for dinner?"
"Fine."
Though, that was the last thing the duo wanted to do. Hotch and Jack were great, but they were going through something. It wasn't an awkward dinner, but it wasn't up to its lively standards either. Nate ate diligently as he answered Jack's questions about what he learned in school that day, but Hotch had his eyes on Emily.
Something wasn't right. She hadn't even taken one bite yet. She was just pushing the food around.
"Emily, don't you like it? Dad and I made it special."
"What?"
"The food. Dad and I made it."
"It's delicious," she said, taking a bite just to show him she did. "You did a great job, Jack."
"Thanks. I knew you'd like it."
"I do," Emily promised. And if her taste buds weren't clouded by the wreak of worry, she knew she would have.
Feeling Hotch watching, she lifted up her fork as if toasting with a glass of champagne, and took one last bite. Everyone else seemed to be done, so she thought that was her opportunity to get away from the table. She announced that she would do dishes and told Nate to go work on homework.
Hotch added, "Jack, go take your shower. We can play cards or watch a show before bed."
"Alright."
Both kids dutifully did as was asked of them leaving the adults alone. Emily was clearing the table when Hotch stopped her.
"Not hungry?" he asked.
"Not really. Ate a little at the hospital." It wasn't untrue. Nate needed food, so she got snacks to tide them over early into their visit. "You don't need to help," she said when he started to pick up some of the plates.
"I'm still going to," he replied. "No arguing."
"Suit yourself."
Once the table was cleared and Emily began rinsing off the dishes, Hotch leaned up against the counter next to her.
"What happened at the hospital? Is James ok?"
"Depends on your definition of ok."
"What does that mean, Emily? Talk to me."
"I don't really know anything. They're running tests."
"You're worried."
Emily stopped rinsing, the sounds of running water becoming loud as everything else was quiet, and then she looked at Hotch. "He has brain damage, Hotch. He couldn't put together a sentence when he woke up."
"Is it permanent?"
"We don't know. We don't know anything, but I just… I have this feeling that I don't know how to describe. This aching feeling."
"Hey," Hotch wrapped his arms around her. "We'll figure it out. Whatever happens, I'll help you and Nate. You know that."
"I know." Emily backed away. "Think you can put these in the dish washer while I go check on Nate?"
He examined her. He wasn't ready to end the conversation, but he could see she was. "Ok. Yeah. Thanks for rinsing."
She nodded and left without a word. Emily stopped in Nate and Jack's room to see Jack checking Nate's work, something she usually double checked after him. She didn't interrupt. They looked sweet together and Nate seemed relaxed. She wasn't going to ruin that with her nervous energy. Besides, she wanted a moment alone.
Emily beelined for her room, quietly closing and locking the door behind her. All the thoughts she pushed away were back again. Everything the doctor said, all the possibilities of the tests all ran rampant through her head. It had her questioning everything and worried about everything. More specifically, she was worried about Nate and what the complications would mean for him. She was an adult and, though all of it would sadden her, she could handle it. Nate couldn't. He was already sad and frustrated.
Tears fell. There was no holding back. They were quiet tears as not to alert anyone, but they were free flowing. It was the first time she let herself feel something without controlling it. Vince was dead and her James might never come back.
A harrowing breath, she told herself to get it together. The night wasn't over, and she didn't know anything for sure yet. She had to stop being a baby and focus on what was important. Right now, that was Nate. So, she showered, got into some pajamas, and went out to face everyone like nothing happened behind closed doors.
"Anyone want to watch some TV?" Emily asked the gang.
Both kids said yes. Before allowing them, she asked if their homework was done.
"Yes." They even showed her.
"And teeth are brushed?"
"Yup."
"Good then come on. You guys can pick what we watch," she told the kids.
"You sure about that?" Hotch whispered. "You know we're going to be stuck watching one of those stupid cartoons they both seem to like."
"I don't care," she said. "Whatever makes them happy."
"And what about you?"
"What about me, Hotch?"
"What would make you happy?"
A reversal of time… The ability to do things differently, to control the situation better, or prevent all the bad that happened… Maybe not…
"Honestly… I have no idea."
"Maybe we need to work on figuring that out."
Emily raised her brows. "Maybe."
All four cozied up on the couch to watch some tween show. Not a cartoon. Emily didn't pay attention at all, couldn't say one thing about what was happening on TV, but it was nice to hear Jack and Nate laugh and talk about the show. It was medicine for the weirdly categorized good-bad day.
"You ok?" Hotch quietly asked her.
"I'm ok," she assured him.
She wasn't. She just didn't know it.
Around nine, the boys were sent to bed with no fuss. They had school in the morning and knew the house rules. Emily claimed she was tired and was going to turn in too, but she just laid in bed awake. She stared at the ceiling for hours, willing herself not to think or to think about something good. Nothing allowed her mind to rest. She would know tomorrow what her friend's future held, and she was terrified.
Eventually, she got up and began pacing her room, and then turned on the desk lamp to try reading. Nothing helped.
A knock sounded on her door, scaring her.
"Emily? Are you awake?"
Her eyes wrinkled as she went to open the door. "Hotch? What are you –"
"I heard you walking around and didn't know if it was the boys. Thought I'd check. Are you ok?"
"Would you believe me if I said yes?"
"Not even a little." He nudged her toward the bed until they were both sitting down. "Want to talk now?"
"Not really."
"Will you, anyway?"
"I don't know what's going to happen," she admitted. "The list of all that could be wrong just keeps playing and playing in my mind. I can't sleep. I just keep thinking. How is Nate going to handle something being wrong? Something else being wrong?"
Emily continued her rant until Hotch had enough. She was working herself into a tizzy.
"Relax. Relax," he said. "We don't know anything yet. That's what you said. Don't panic until you know more."
"Tell me how to stop."
He didn't have an answer. "You find a way, because you have a little boy counting on you to get him through. That means keeping calm. So, breathe, just breathe. You said they were doing tests in the morning. We'll know something then."
"What if I'm not ready to know?"
"I've never known you not to be ready for anything."
"Anything wasn't this. I'm not ready for this. This isn't an UnSub I can outsmart. It's my friend. It's… It's my son's father."
"I know… You and Nate and James will get through this."
"I hope so."
"I know so. Now please try to rest. I can stay here with you if you think it would help."
"No…" She shook her head. "You don't need to."
"You have to stop saying that. I know I don't need to, but if it will help or you want me to, I will."
"It's ok."
"Then promise me you'll get some sleep. You need it in order to help James and Nate tomorrow, and then you have your surgery coming up. You need to take it easy."
"Yeah… You should rest too."
"Are you sure you don't want me to stay?" he asked as he started for the door.
She couldn't say she wasn't tempted.
"Yes. Thank you."
She laid down and was quiet as he walked away, but she stopped him before he could close the door. "I don't think I should have the surgery."