Chapter 28: Uncertainty
"I don't think I should have the surgery."
Emily's voice made him pause and turn back to her immediately. "Not have the surgery? Why? You need it."
"I do… But it can wait."
"No, it can't."
"Yes, it can. I can walk. My leg is fine."
"It's not. That's why you're getting the surgery in the first place."
"I can't do it. Not right now."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about needing to be on call 24/7 for both Nate and James. Who knows what's going to happen next? I certainly don't. But I do know that they're both going to need my help and I need to be available for them. I can't do that if I'm back on crutches again or doing physical therapy every day."
"Postponing your surgery won't make you better for them. Your knee will be weak. You could worsen it, and then what happens? How will you help when you can't do anything?"
"You don't know that will happen."
"And you don't know that it won't," he argued.
"Maybe not, but this is where I'm at. I don't know if I can do the surgery right now."
"Emily… think logically here. You know that not getting it won't change anything."
Maybe not, she thought, but maybe so. They didn't know. That was the problem. She didn't know anything. Everything was so uncertain. It wasn't that she was afraid to go under the knife. It was a simple surgery. And it wasn't that she was afraid of the work she would have to do for her recovery. No, it was the uncertainty of it all. It was the not knowing how slow her recovery might go and how it would interfere with her taking care of Nate, especially when he was in a vulnerable spot and his father was in a precarious place.
"Hotch," she stopped him. What he was saying made sense, but her point wasn't being heard. "We're just going to go back and forth. It's too late to be having this conversation. I know what I want and that has to be something you accept."
"Can't you see…"
"I see a pointless conversation being had in the middle of the night when I'm already on overload. I just… I just can't do this with you right now," she admitted. She didn't want to be argued with. There was enough going on inside her already.
"Fine. Just promise you'll think this through."
"I promise." Though, she was sure her mind was made up.
And come morning, she was still resolute on that fact. She woke up after minimal sleep and went about things as normal. She was the first one up and got right to work. Lunches were made. Breakfast was cooked. Boys were woken up. Homework was checked. Emily did it all. Hotch helped, but since he had been trying to talk with Emily, she pushed him out of the way so she could do what she needed. Eventually she ran out of things that needed doing and the kids were on the bus.
He wanted to talk as they walked back to the apartment, but feared she'd run. Potentially physically, so he waited until they got back.
"Did you give it anymore thought?" Hotch asked as he put papers in his briefcase preparing to leave.
"Yes."
"And where did that get you?"
"Exactly where I was last night. Nothing has changed."
"Emily –"
"You should go," she cut him off. "Or you'll be late."
"We should talk more."
"No," Emily firmly said. "You should get to work, and I should get to the hospital."
"Are you going to be there all day?"
"I don't know, maybe. Why does it matter?" She was frustrated and grumpy from lack of sleep.
"Because I care," he said sincerely.
"Well, you're not my keeper. Don't worry about me."
He didn't let her attitude get to him. He knew she didn't sleep, and he knew she was emotional. He was a safe target for her to let out her frustrations. Better him than her just holding it all in, he figured.
"Alright, Emily. I'm going to go to work, but I'm going to call you around lunch time. Please answer and please consider keeping your surgery on the books."
"Sure Hotch. Have a good day. Let me know if you catch a case."
"I will."
Things were off between them and it wasn't a "them" issue. It was Emily's anxieties and insecurities getting the best of her. It would pass. It had to, and all Hotch could do was support her or, better even, convince her that she shouldn't be risking her health. That was his plan.
As he started in on making the plan work, Emily was at the hospital with James.
When she arrived, he was awake and alert. He looked to her as soon as she walked through the door.
"Em… Em…" he said, having trouble saying the rest of her name.
"Hi James. It's good to see you awake again." Emily grinned and took a seat, her hand taking his. "You feeling ok?"
"Pillow," James replied.
Emily spoke with the doctor before coming in. James was examined by the speech-language pathologist early that morning before she arrived. He was definitively diagnosed with aphasia. It wasn't as severe as it could be, but it wasn't just going to go away either. Recovery would take work from everyone and could, potentially, never be cured.
The multitude of tests they did with him showed that his major issue was with producing language. He could read and write ok, though there was some occasional difficulty with that unrelated to the aphasia, and he could understand when communicated with, but he had a hard time responding appropriately. He understood and was able to gesture, so they considered him a somewhat functional communicator, but he was limited by other problems.
"Sometimes," Dr. Leanne Wimble told Emily, "He may produce nonsensical syllables or made up words, mix up sounds in a word, or use the wrong word. He may replace a word with something related or completely unrelated. He may have trouble stringing words together."
It was a lot to take in and when Emily asked how they handled it, Dr. Wimble told her that they would put him on a schedule for speech therapy and work to retrain the brain. In the meantime, they could use charts with pictures to help them communicate as well as a small portable whiteboard for James to use once he was strong enough to write more frequently. There was some muscle weakness from the weeks of inactivity. It would take a little time to rebuild strength.
So, based on what she knew, Emily tried to infer what he meant. Pillow could mean a few things, she guessed, but given the situation, she figured pillow was probably most related to bed. From there, she surmised he might be sleepy.
"You're tired?"
He nodded.
She smiled, keeping things normal. "I don't know how that's possible. You've been sleeping a long time now."
His face changed. The doctors might not have told him anything and she was afraid she was going to set him off. Too late to backtrack now…
Agitated, he let out a Dr. Seuss sounding made up word, and he said it over and over despite Emily's attempts to calm him. It was like he was begging her to answer and she didn't know how. It wasn't that she needed to know what the word meant to know what he was asking, just that she was afraid to give any answers.
"Calm down. Please James. Calm down. If you don't, they'll sedate you and… And I can't see that again. Please," she begged. "I'll tell you everything, but you have to stay calm."
He nodded slowly and Emily helped him lay back against the pillow. She could tell that just trying to sit up zapped his energy.
"Are you ok?"
He nodded again.
"Are you going to stay as calm as possible?"
Again.
"Ok…" Deep breath. "You were attacked."
He remembered that. She could tell.
Leaving out Vince's fate, she continued, "You had serious injuries including head injuries that left you in a coma. At first, it was a medically induced coma to help you heal, and to bring you here to the states, but then you decided that you liked to sleep."
He gestured to his wrist as if pointing to a watch.
"Time? How long?" Emily asked, getting an affirmative. "It's been…" She couldn't even give an answer without thinking about it. It had been forever. It was just after Nate's birthday when they approached her, so mid-June. And now it was September. "About two months."
His eyes widened and his breathing became rapid.
"Please. Relax."
"Cub? Cub?" he asked, voice strained.
"Cub?" Emily wondered. "Cub… Cub… as in bear? A bear cub? Nate? Are you asking about Nate?"
"Cub!" he yelled expressing that he was.
"Nate is doing great. He has missed you like crazy, but he's happy and healthy. Nothing to worry about with him," Emily assured.
Emily could tell that he was about to ask about Vince, so when a nurse came in and interrupted, she was grateful.
"Sorry guys. Mr. Hadley, we need to do some tests, alright?"
The nurse didn't wait for a response but did get a nod.
Talking to Emily, the nurse said, "It's going to take a few hours."
"Ok. Thank you. James, I'll be back once they're done. Ok? Don't stress over anything."
Emily practically rushed out of the room, finding a seat in the lounge to fall into. She watched as James was wheeled down the hall. Then, she just sat there. She didn't move for over an hour.
"This seat taken?" a voice asked.
Emily, recognizing the voice, immediately looked to the speaker. "Mom?" Was she seeing things? How did her mother know she'd be there? "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you, Dear, and to visit with James. I hear he's awake," Elizabeth said as she moved closer, sitting across from Emily.
"He is. I told you that, didn't I?"
Elizabeth observed her daughter. She looked a mess. "You didn't."
"Oh…" Her brows furrowed, thinking back. "I could've sworn I did. I'm sorry."
"Don't worry. I know you have a lot on your mind."
"If I didn't tell you, how did you know?"
"Oh Emily, you have friends and sometimes I talk to those friends because you don't always talk to me."
"What you're saying is that you were checking up on me."
"I was," Elizabeth admitted. "And I'm glad I did." She leaned forward. "What's this I hear about you not getting your surgery tomorrow. You can't keep moving it."
"I'm just… I can't do it tomorrow."
"Why not?"
Emily's head whipped to meet Elizabeth's eyes. "Who called you? Hotch?"
"Hotch? No, though we did talk. He tells me you've taken on the role of mother-figure very well. I only wish I could see it more for myself."
"If it wasn't Hotch, who called?"
"Why does it matter?"
"I need to know who to yell at later."
Elizabeth laughed. "I don't think yelling is necessary. It seems to me that they're all worried about you. You have so many people on your side, but you refuse to let them help."
"I refuse to let them help?" she asked incredulously. "I'm living with one of them, allowing him to take care of me. How is that refusing help?"
"Don't take that tone. You know exactly what I'm saying." She shook her head. She knew her daughter could be as stubborn as they came. It was a family trait and, unfortunately, Emily got a double dose of it. "Emily, prolonging the surgery won't change what's happening around you. Things will likely be just as uncertain after tomorrow as they are right now. At this point, you don't know if they'll ever be stable. Putting off the surgery only puts you at risk. You have no stabilization in your knee. What happens if you fall?"
"Then I get back up."
"You always have, Emily, and I don't doubt you'd try. But I'm not speaking to an emotional fall," though now she was concerned about that too. "Physically, if you fall, you could be much worse off than you are now. You're jeopardizing your future on insecurities and fears."
"That's not –"
"Just let me talk, Emily," Elizabeth stopped her. "You're scared. I know you are, and I know you're trying to be strong, but you can't just think of others. You must think about yourself, too. James is going to need you, but he'll be in the hospital for a while. He's taken care of. And Nate, well, he has a whole group of adults itching to take care of him. He'll be scared for you, I'm sure, but he'll be ok as long as you take care of yourself."
"Mom…"
"You need this surgery. You need to be able to walk without pain and to not have to worry about your future so much. Do this. Do the physical therapy, and then worry about what comes next."
"That easy?" Emily asked.
"It could be."
"I'll think about it."
"You need to do more than think. If you keep putting this off and you hurt yourself further, you're going to regret this choice."
Her mother wasn't wrong. Emily knew that. But she had a war raging in her head and only she could make sense of it. She wanted the surgery. She wanted to fix her leg and get back to normal. Putting it off just made it a longer battle. At the best, she was in rehab for months, worst, more than a year and that was if she had the surgery. Without it, worst case was loss of function or more intensive surgery. If she stopped to think about herself and her needs for a moment, she would have realized that surgery now was the best option.
"Are you worried something will go wrong?"
"No," Emily responded honestly. "It's an outpatient procedure. I spend a few hours here and then I go home."
"Then what are you afraid of."
Emily looked at her mother like she was crazy. It wasn't often Emily willingly admitted to being afraid, but her mother still knew she was.
"Nothing."
"Emily. Tell me. It's ok."
"I'm afraid that I won't be able to help. If I have the surgery and I can't be there for James or Nate, then I've let them down."
"You won't be letting anyone down unless you neglect your own needs."
"My need is to help them."
"You do that by first taking care of yourself," Elizabeth reiterated.
"Yeah… Maybe."
Emily was done with that conversation for now. She had other more immediate things that required her attention.
"Why aren't you in with James? I'd love to see him."
"He's getting tests right now. To see the effects of his brain damage."
"Is it bad?"
"Can brain damage ever be good?"
Elizabeth, in a very un-Elizabeth way, shrugged. "What are they testing for? Has he displayed any outward signs?"
Emily told her about the aphasia and what that meant before explaining that they were testing other cognitive and motor functions now.
"Do you know what they're expecting to find?"
Emily mimicked her mother's earlier action and shrugged. "He took more than a few blows to the head. Most of the more prominent damage is in the frontal lobe. They don't think his memory has been affected and he seems to remember things from what we can tell, but they can't speculate the severity until all tests are done."
Some side effects, she learned, might not show up for a while and couldn't be solely predicted by tests. That part scared her too. All the unknown. There was too much of it and that was hard for a control freak like her to handle.
"Did they say how long the tests would take?"
"A few hours," Emily answered.
"Would you like to get some coffee then?"
"Sure. Lead the way."
Elizabeth and Emily enjoyed a cordial conversation over coffee while the team created a plan of attack. Hotch told them that Emily was going to cancel the surgery and they were quick to jump on his side to make sure she showed up at that appointment and went through with it.
Penelope had one idea. Sic her mother on her. Elizabeth, even though there was a somewhat dysfunctional relationship between the two, was still Emily's mother and would, hopefully, be able to get through to her. So, she called the ambassador and told her what Emily was up to, even surprising the older woman when she mentioned that James had come to. It seemed Emily was a little scatter brained and forgot to tell her.
On top of that, Pen made sure to put an alert on her computer to let her know if Emily called the doctor. Up to that point, it hadn't happened, but she wanted to put a stop to it and prevent it if it did. No way was Emily not going through with it, even if they had to straight jacket her into the operating room.
"So," Penelope told the team. "Elizabeth," she squirmed upon calling her something so informal, "Is going to head to the hospital and talk to Emily. We should all talk to her – Emily – at some point. You know, just let her know we're all here and want her to do this."
"I'm in," JJ said. "Actually, I was going to call her later. Maybe I'll stop by and see her instead."
Dave came up with an idea of his own, one that would help Emily see that she wouldn't be going through things on her own. "I have a better idea. Morgan, Reid, I'm going to need your help. Aaron, I'm going to need your keys."
"My keys?"
"To your apartment," he clarified.
"Dare I ask why?"
"Probably better to wait and see. Going to go to the hospital after work?"
"Emily is going to come back from the hospital to get the kids from the bus and then take Nate to see his father if James is up to it."
"Ok. Change of plans then. If you boys have plans for the evening, cancel them," he told Derek and Spencer.
"Oh, I want to help. Can I help?" Penelope asked.
"Sure. You can help. What about you JJ?"
"I think I'll stick to paying her a visit first. But keep me apprised of what you're up to," she said, winking at Hotch to let him know she would tell him if there was something to worry about.
The plan was in motion, but they were trying to keep themselves from constantly texting or calling Emily. They needed to give Elizabeth a chance to work before they stepped in.
At the hospital, it was nearing noon and James had yet to return to his room. Emily didn't know if she should have been worried that it was taking so long or happy that he was fit enough to do the prolonged testing. She assumed or leaned toward the former.
Elizabeth, who refused to leave, was made anxious by Emily's fidgeting.
"Could you please stop that, Dear?"
"No," Emily simply responded. "What's taking so long?"
"This is a hospital, Emily. A lot of patients need tests and sometimes there are lines."
Emily glared at her mother before returning to her version of pacing. Elizabeth, not wanting to make her daughter more irritable, turned to her phone to give Hotch an update.
He called Emily just as James was being returned to his room. She ignored his call, so he called Elizabeth who told him she was speaking to James' doctor.
"Are you with her?"
"No. The doctor asked to speak with her, and they walked off before I could offer support," she bitterly answered.
He told her he would call back soon.
"How's Emily?"
"Don't know," Hotch told JJ. "She's meeting with James' doctor to discuss test results."
"You want to go there? It's about a thirty-minute drive from here. We can take a very long lunch."
Hotch looked around and then to his watch. As much as he wanted to go, he knew he had paperwork he had to finish up by end of day and so did the rest of the team.
"No. I want to, but I know she has Elizabeth for now. I'm going to call again soon, but I'd rather get out of here early than just go for a few minutes now."
"Does that go for all of us?" Derek asked when he and the rest of the team came by.
"Yes. If all paperwork is done and no case comes up, we can go early."
"Great," Dave said. "Then we better get to work."
They all worked diligently, quickly, but not rushed. Emily didn't answer Hotch's next call and neither did Elizabeth, so he worried. If he wasn't nearly done with his paperwork about an hour later, he would have called the hospital to check in.
Instead, he told the team he was leaving, to finish up what they had and then go too. To JJ, he asked that she pick up the boys.
"I want to see what's going on. I haven't heard back from either of them, so I don't know if it's bad or she's just busy."
He said he would try to be back in time or maybe Emily would even make it there in time, but he wanted to cover his bases.
"Sure. I can pick them up from the bus stop. Will is getting Henry, so I can just take them home with me."
"Thank you."
"No problem. Let me know what's happening. And try to talk to her about the surgery more."
He nodded and took off.
When he arrived at the hospital, he went looking for Emily. Instead, he found Elizabeth half asleep in James' room.
"Elizabeth?" he asked, gently waking her. "Hi. Where are Emily and James?"
"They're in the therapy room. Working on his speech today. Trying to get him to communicate more clearly."
"Is it that bad?" It was a stupid question, he knew, but he needed answers too.
Elizabeth explained the aphasia and what she knew, which was bare minimum of detail, about the other issues.
"Dr. Wimble, the speech-language pathologist," she said, "wanted to hold off. James is pretty weak still and isn't completely… himself I suppose. Like he's in an aware, but not fully alert state. If that makes sense. I don't know. It's like first waking up in the morning. Some people just can't function well for a while. Dr. Wimble wanted to wait, but Emily was concerned about Nate and how he would react to seeing his father and not being able to understand him, so they're working on just getting him to the point where he can point or gesture to certain things to get his point across."
He sat next to her. That was just a small tidbit of information and he already felt sad and maybe bad for the man he never really met, a friend he considered family, and a young boy who had come into his life and captured his heart much like he had Emily's. He hurt for them and all that they were going through.
"Did she decide if she is going to cancel tomorrow or not?"
"I don't know. I've talked to her. I've made my thoughts clear, and I'd like to think I got through to her, but you never know with that girl. Thick skull."
She was stubborn. Hotch was inclined to agree. "She never called me back."
"Did you call?"
"Yes. I called both of you."
"Oh. I'm sorry. I dozed off earlier and had the phone on silent. I have yet to even look at it."
"It's ok," he assured her. "How is she doing?"
"She's… Emily."
Vague as it was, it said a lot. It wasn't often Emily wore her heart on her sleeve, but, just by the look on Elizabeth's face, he could tell that a little bit of her heart was bleeding through. He would see for himself, but if it true, that was concerning.
Emily, thankfully, returned not long after Hotch got there. She looked exhausted.
"Oh no," she said as soon as she saw him. "I forgot to call." She looked for the time. At least she didn't miss the kids' pickup. She still had time to get there. "I'm sorry. What are you doing here?"
"Got worried when you didn't call, so I let everyone out early and came to check on you."
"I have to go meet the boys."
"JJ is going to do that. She's taking them to her house for the afternoon. Don't worry. She'll make sure the homework gets done and that they're fed. I thought you might need the afternoon off."
Emily sighed in relief. If she could spend every minute with those boys, she would, but right then, all she needed was an adult moment so that she could figure out how to prepare Nate for his father's… situation.
Elizabeth, hoping that Emily would open up to Hotch more than she did with her, excused herself, telling Emily that she would see her in the morning to take her for her surgery.
Emily just rolled her eyes at that before hugging her mother and thanking her for coming.
Alone, Hotch asked, "How's James?"
"Not great," she told. "What did my mom tell you?"
"Not much."
"Well, his muscles have begun to atrophy, so he's weak now. Even though they did the passive range of motion exercises, there was still atrophy. He can, but only with a lot of work, sit up on his own. And even then, he gets so exhausted afterward. They tried a few exercises with him, and he couldn't really do any of them."
"He'll need physical therapy," Hotch surmised.
"Yeah…"
"What's that face mean?"
"The doctor said the rule of thumb is a month of physical therapy for each day in a coma. That's about three years, Hotch. Three years that will be dedicated to him getting his life back." What about Nate? What happened to him in that time?
"Hey. It'll be ok. He'll put in the work. It could take a lot less time or even more time, but it will be okay."
Emily wanted to believe him, but it didn't feel that way. She thought that her friend waking up would make things easier, but it was only complicating things and she knew it was only going to get worse. Nate would soon realize that his dad wasn't the same, that things were completely different, and he would react to that. Emily wasn't ready for that… for any of this.
"He was tested for nerve damage. It doesn't look like there is any, which is good, but… It just… It's still a lot," she said. "So far it doesn't look like he has neurological deficits either, but we won't know for sure until he's all here. You know, like out of the post coma fog. I'm just… worried."
"You care about him and it's ok to worry, but you can't control what happens. Remember that. Be there for him, help him, but don't think that anything that happens or doesn't happen is your fault."
It was a nice thought, but Emily wasn't feeling it.
She continued talking with him, telling him everything the doctors told her. He could see and feel how frazzled she was. But he just let her get it all out. She wasn't really venting, but it was like she just needed to get the entire diagnosis out there.
"I don't know if I should bring Nate here today. James still isn't himself. I think I need to talk with Nate more before I bring him."
"I think you're right. Let him decide what he wants once he has all the information. Talk with him. If he wants to see him, I can take him to see James tomorrow."
"He has school and you have work."
"We can both play hooky. I took the day off to be with you for your surgery."
"I didn't ask you to do that."
"No, you didn't. But the entire team fought about who got to be there. Since you live with me, it made the most sense that I go. Don't be surprised if they all show up a lot over the next few days while you recover."
"I never said I agreed to do it."
You will, he thought. "Guess you didn't. We'll see what happens."
"I don't want to be here anymore," she painfully admitted. "Once James gets back, he'll be tired. I want to say goodbye and then go see Nate."
"Not a problem."
That was exactly what they did. Hotch witnessed first-hand some of James' difficulties. Emily was able to understand more of what he said because she knew James, but Hotch was having trouble with most of it. If it was hard for Emily and himself, who had no connection to James, how would a child deal with it?
They would see, he figured. For now, he just wanted to get Emily home. JJ was meeting them at the apartment. The whole team was there. They entered to find all of them in the living room having a conversation.
"What is this? An intervention?"
"No," Derek answered. "Can't we all just visit a friend having a hard time?"
"So this is… an informal gathering?"
"Yeah, let's call it that," Dave said.
"Is this about the surgery?"
"What surgery?" Penelope played coy.
"Come on."
"Honestly, we're here because we're friends and we wanted to see you," JJ said.
Spencer then asked, "How's James?"
"Yeah. Nate was asking about him," JJ told her.
Emily looked around. Hotch had disappeared to check on the boys, so she sat down and gave them an abridged version of things. Spencer gave her some scientific facts about coma and recovery, tailored specifically to her worries. He read up on a lot of it. It was helpful, though not exactly comforting. She thanked him anyway.
Slowly, their real purpose for being there was clear. It was about the surgery, of course.
The guys managed to slip into normal conversation that they made enough meals to cover dinner for a while. All of it was sitting in the freezer. And each of them offered to do something for her and the makeshift family that was living in the Hotchner house.
"I set up a few pieces of light exercise equipment in your room," Derek told her. "For PT. And when you're up for it, I can help you out. Train with you like old times. It will be good for both of us."
"Maybe," was all Emily could say.
Spencer even offered to help her optimize her training by reading up on the most effective ways to heal and coming up with a plan. JJ and Pen claimed babysitting duties, saying they would take both Nate and Jack whenever for however long as well as be there for her to just talk or vent. Whatever she needed. She wasn't sure what that was though.
"And if you need someone to be with James when you can't, I'm willing to do that," Dave and Hotch both said.
She didn't know whether that was a good idea, but she liked that they were willing to do it. Emily was appreciative and so damn happy to have these people in her life, but it wasn't enough to convince her. She knew they would be there for her. That was never in question. None of her choices were ever made thinking they wouldn't support her.
What was in question was what happened to Nate if she couldn't take care of him and then, also, what happened with James. She knew they would pitch in to take care of Nate, but she didn't want that. She wanted to do it herself.
She just worried… Maybe too much and too often these days.
However, the many not-so-subtle attempts made by the team and her mother to convince Emily to get her knee repaired worked. She didn't cancel the surgery, though, she very nearly did. It was Nate, however, that simultaneously made her want to never do it and do it right away.
After everyone said their peace and left, Emily finally grew the courage to really talk to Nate about his father. He had been asking questions since she got home, but her answers were just enough to hold him off. Now came the hard part.
It was late evening, he was getting ready for bed, and Emily knocked on the door.
"Come in," Jack said as he was heading out of the room.
"Nate, almost ready for bed?"
"Yup. Brushed my teeth and everything."
"Good job," Emily said and took a seat on the bed. "So, think we can talk?"
"Is it something bad?"
"Why do you ask that?"
"You haven't been answering my questions all day. Is it my dad? Is he ok?"
"He's… Well, there's something going on that you may not understand right now, but that I need to tell you. It might sound scary, and it's ok if you feel that way. It's scary to me too."
Emily told him about his father, about how the coma and the brain injury messed with how his brain worked. She explained the aphasia and how that would make talking with his father hard.
"I can't talk to him?"
"You can," she said, "But sometimes what he says back won't make any sense. Have you ever been around babies?"
He shook his head no.
Of course not, Emily thought. He had been so sheltered that it made sense he hadn't.
"Well, when babies learn to talk, sometimes they say the wrong word or just make sounds. That's what it's like with your dad."
Nate looked crushed. She still had to tell him that, now and probably for a while, he couldn't walk either.
"But he only hurt his head," Nate desperately tried to find a reason why Emily was wrong.
"He hurt all over, but you're right. His injuries were mostly in his head. He was asleep for so long, that his muscles didn't get any work and became weak."
The more she talked the more heartbroken he became. He didn't cry, but he wanted to. Nate was trying to be strong, but he was afraid. Emily was scaring him, and it hurt them both. By the time she was done explaining things, Nate was at a loss for words. She just held his hand and gave him a moment.
"Is he ever going to be the same?" Nate asked, quietly, almost shyly.
"I wish I could say yes, Nate, but the truth is that I don't know. He has a very long recovery ahead of him, but I'm going to help him and so are the doctors."
"Me too," Nate agreed, not yet looking at her.
"Emily… If he's… If he dies or never gets better, what happens to me? You'll take care of me, right?"
Her eyes watered. Her heart broke once more. That he even had to question that… That he had to think in what ifs… It killed her.
"Always Nate. Even if he's perfectly fine, I'm here."
"Even if your leg never gets better?"
"It will."
"Nothing's going to happen when you have surgery, right?"
That was the moment Emily knew that she was going to go through with it. He was afraid for her, but she had to prove that he had nothing to be afraid of and that she would be there for him. She would do things that a parent should do with their kid.
"No. I'll go in tomorrow morning and be here when you get back from school."
"Do you promise? Promise you'll be here, and you'll never leave?"
She put her hands on his face and looked him in the eyes. "I promise, Nate. I will be here forever if you'll let me. I love you, kid."
"I love you too," he responded, throwing his arms around her.
His reaction made her want to be in perfect health. It made her afraid of the surgery because it would make her temporarily less able to care for him, but very determined to get it done and go through PT with flying colors. For him…
He needed her more than ever because James, even awake, couldn't be much of a presence in his life. Emily wanted to be able to give him normalcy. That was something she had said from the beginning. A normal life, for Emily, meant being able to take him places or drive without a car service, or do all the menial things parents did. The only way for her to make that happen was to go under the knife.
So, the next morning, she didn't call to cancel and, instead, got up early, made sure everything was ready for the boys, and saw them off to school. Hotch offered to take Nate to see his father, but Emily and Nate decided that he would wait to see James until the weekend. It gave him time to process. He wasn't ready.
Hotch and Elizabeth escorted Emily to the hospital. It was an outpatient procedure, so she'd only be there for a few hours. Along the way, Emily received a lot of good luck texts and calls from her friends. Before being prepped, Emily asked Elizabeth to go see James.
"Sit with him. Let him know what's going on if he's awake."
"Of course," Elizabeth promised. "I love you, Emily." Elizabeth kissed her daughter's cheek.
When she left, Hotch approached Emily in the bed. "I think that's my cue to leave too. They want to take you soon."
"Thanks for being here… And for putting up with my craziness."
"We all have our moments."
"That's true," Emily agreed.
"Good luck in there. See you on the other side."
"See you soon," Emily said, grabbing his hand and giving it a quick squeeze.
After that, the nurses came in to prep her, Hotch went to relax in the waiting area, and Elizabeth sat with James. The surgery would go smoothly, but it was still just the beginning of a long road for her and everyone around her.