You're getting this one early because, honestly, these next few chapters are some of my favorite. They're emotional, but that's what I like. Hope you enjoy them too.
Chapter 30: The Decline
Emily's thoughts were chaotic. James grabbed her, aggressively. She could feel the dull ache in her wrist. And she… fell. That was what she was calling it, but he kind of pushed her. Right? No… Maybe…
How could he do that?
His arm strength was well on the way to being back and better than ever. Walking was still hard, and his limbs sometimes flailed, but he was still strong. He could have done real damage. She knew he didn't mean to do it, but his temper flared and got the best of him.
It's not ok… But he didn't mean it. Emily reasoned. She couldn't blame him, right? He was just learning his way again. It was an accident…
She had a lot of feelings but was trying her best not to feel them. Nate wasn't making that easy for her since he was quiet the whole ride. Emily suspected he heard the argument or at least the outburst at the end. She should have kept that from happening. She should have kept him from everything. She found him staring at her. Nate would just stare and when she looked back, he would look away.
So, Emily tried to make conversation.
"Which teacher do you want to see first?" Emily asked.
"Miss Vera." His actual teacher. The rest were rotating classes like art, gym, and music.
"Ok. Then we'll go there first."
When she tried to hold his attention, he wouldn't even look at her. Emily, at times, was grateful about that. She wanted so badly to rub her leg. When she fell, it just jostled things and now it hurt. In combination with her rehab, helping with James, and housework, her leg was sore. And it wasn't the good, "I'm working it out," kind of sore, but hurting. She still had fluid buildup in her knee and now pain too.
"Not good," she thought, cringing as she tried to adjust in the seat.
Emily tried to distract herself with Nate, but when that didn't work, she was thrilled that they arrived at the school. The driver helped her out and she thanked him, making plans for where they should meet.
"Alright, Nate. Lead the way."
He took her hand, which made her smile, and brought her to the classroom. There was a line outside the door.
"We're number five," he told her after counting the people ahead of them.
Four families before them took nearly forty minutes, and by that time, Emily's body was feeling the stress of the day. Nate could feel it too. He often stood very close to her side so she could use him to lean on if needed. She didn't do it because she didn't want to let on that she needed it. It saddened her to realize he knew anyway.
"We're next."
"Good. I can't wait to hear what your teacher has to say."
"She's going to say I'm the best student ever because I'm awesome."
"And humble," Emily teased, happy by the change in tone.
Nate had a slight pout on his face all evening, but that was one of the few moments he lit up. Being out of the house was good for him too.
The family before them came out of the classroom and they were allowed in.
"Hello Nate, who is this?" she asked.
Nate looked to Emily and then back to his teacher before responding, "This is my mom."
Emily blinked a few times, surprised by his words and questioning whether she really heard them or not. Mom? Did he look at her like that? Or was he just confused? Did he know he said that? Did he find out? A million new thoughts added to the already massive pile. She wasn't going to lie, it felt freaking amazing to hear, but she had no idea if he meant it. For all she knew, he just didn't know how to explain the situation and was smart enough to say what the teacher was expecting. She wasn't going to correct him.
"Emily Prentiss," she introduced herself once she got her wits about her, holding out her hand. Mom… Where did that come from?
"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Prentiss."
"Miss, and Emily is fine."
She nodded. "Let's get down to business," Miss Vera said, offering Emily and Nate a seat. "Nate is a very bright student and he has really come out of his shell. I love when new students warm up. Where did he go to school before?"
"He was homeschooled," Emily said.
"I like this better," Nate added, making both the women in the room smile.
"We're glad to have you with us, Nate."
Emily and the teacher talked. Emily was thrilled to hear all the wonderful things the teacher had to say about Nate. He was attentive and participated a lot in class. When he started, he was a little quiet, but quickly made friends. He talked about his best friend Jack, who happened to have been a student of hers at one point and was happy to know that Nate had him as a friend.
"They're great together," Emily agreed.
They went over the basics a bit more before Vera asked Nate to go grab some of his work from the cubby to show to Emily.
"While he's occupied, there is something I wanted to discuss with you."
Emily was all ears. "Is everything ok? Did Nate do something?"
"Oh, no. He's wonderful. I just noticed that, in the last week especially, he seemed a little more… withdrawn than usual."
"Really?" Emily asked. If this was coming up a few weeks ago when the blow up at the hospital happened, she wouldn't have given it a second thought. It would have been expected, but now, at home, he was ok. He was happy his father was around. She thought so anyway. Maybe she was wrong. "In what way?"
"He has been quiet, not participating unless called on. He hasn't been playing as much with everyone. It's nothing major, but since it was enough for me to notice, I thought I'd mention it."
"No, I'm glad you did. I will definitely get to the bottom of it. I know the school has my number, but I'd like to give it to you personally. Would that be ok? You can call if you notice anything else."
"Of course," the teacher responded, accepting Emily's number.
The meeting went well, and Emily couldn't be happier with Nate's school performance, but now she was worried about what he wasn't showing at home. A week ago at school, he changed. The only thing that happened then was James coming home and them moving. Also, she became miserable, but she never showed that in front of Nate. The first week of adjusting must have taken its toll on Nate, too. If he was unhappy or feeling something, why wouldn't he tell her? What was going on?
She made plans to talk with him, but first, they had to get through the night.
"Bye Miss Vera," Nate said as they left.
"See you Monday, Nate. Nice to meet you Emily."
"You too."
Again, Nate took her hand and they went to see his art and music teacher. Both told Emily he was a good, attentive student, and was a lot of fun to have in class. He was no prodigy, but he certainly tried his best. The music teacher mentioned that he picked up on rhythm and the notes very well.
"I like the guitar, but I'm not very good," Nate told Emily as they left the music teacher's room.
"If it's something you want to learn, we can talk about lessons," Emily responded as they headed toward the main lobby where other parents and staff were mingling around refreshments.
"Really?"
"Yes. I want you to do all the things you like – within reason – so you just have to talk to me. You know you can, right? You can talk to me about anything."
"I know," he replied, but his tone told her he was holding back.
"Want to go get some ice cream now?"
"Yes!"
They were turning down the last hall of classrooms before heading into the lobby, very nearly to the end when Nate pointed and said, "Look."
She followed his line of sight to see Jack and Hotch.
"Can I go say hi?"
Nodding, she said, "Go. I'm right behind you."
Emily watched as Nate ran and hugged Jack and Hotch. She slowly made her way there.
"Hey Bud," Emily greeted Jack. "Your teachers have great things to say about you?"
"Yup. They love me."
"I'm sure they do," Emily agreed.
"What about you, Nate?" Hotch asked. "What did your teachers have to say?"
"They like me too."
"Good." Hotch, wanting to catch up with Emily, told the kids, "I think they have some cookies and juice over there if you want some."
"Can I?" Nate asked.
"Only one," Emily replied. "Or no ice cream."
He happily nodded and pulled Jack toward the table.
"How are you?" Hotch asked.
"Good… You?"
"Good."
"I didn't think you'd be here. Last I heard, you guys were on a case."
"Got back this morning."
"I'm sure Jack was happy."
"He was and so was I. It was a short trip, thankfully." His eyes narrowed. "How are things with James and Nate going?"
"Nate's fantastic. James is getting better every day."
"Yeah? Good. And you're handling things ok?"
"No problem here."
"If you need any help or a break, you can call any one of us. We'd be happy to help out."
"I know. Thank you," she said.
"You could always just drop by… We miss you."
"We miss you too," she replied.
Hotch was about to say something, but Nate called her name and both adults looked to the kids.
"Sorry, Hotch. Duty calls," she said and started to walk away.
"Emily. Wait," Hotch stopped her. "You're limping more than usual." He noticed that and looked down, stopping when he saw something else. "What happened to your arm?"
He went to reach for it, but she pulled her hand away.
"It's nothing. I fell. Landed wrong."
"Are you ok?"
"I'm fine. I was just pushing myself too hard during PT. An accident," she lied.
"Let me take a look at your wrist."
"No, you really don't need to. It's nothing. Just a little bruise."
He sighed. "If it keeps hurting, you should get checked out."
"I will," she promised. "I have another follow up appointment next week."
Then, Hotch slipped his arm in hers and helped her to the table where the boys were.
"Let's see what they're up to," he told her.
"Nothing good, I'm sure," she joked.
They were up to something, but nothing worrisome.
"Jack asked if I could sleep over," Nate excitedly shared with Emily.
Jack looked guiltily to his dad, knowing he was supposed to wait.
"Is that right," Emily said. "Is that something you want?"
"Yes!"
"I was going to call you and see if we can set something up for this weekend," Hotch interrupted. "But if they want to do it tonight, I'm ok with that."
"Do you want to sleep over tonight?" Emily asked Nate.
He eagerly nodded.
She wanted to say no so that she could talk to him. They needed to discuss the home situation and even the mom thing, but she could see he really wanted this. Who was she to prevent that?
"I don't have any clothes for him."
"That's ok. He can use Jack's."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Then I'm fine with it. We can get ice cream tomorrow, ok Nate?"
"Can Hotch and Jack come too?"
"If they want to. We can talk about it later." She looked to Hotch. "I'll bring him some clothes in the morning."
"You really don't have to. No need to make a trip just for that when he fits into Jack's clothes."
"Alright," she agreed. "Then I'm going to head back to the house." She pulled Nate into a hug. "Be good and call if you need anything."
"I will. Love you."
Hearing that never got old. "Love you too." She turned to Jack and gave him a hug, too. "It was very good to see you Jack."
"I miss you."
"Aww, I miss you too. I'll stop by tomorrow. Ok?"
"Ok."
"Do you need help to the car?"
"No. I'm ok. Thanks. Call if anything comes up. Boys, have fun."
"We will."
"Get home safely," Hotch added.
She waved and smiled, heading away from them. A long quiet drive was just what she needed. If only she was doing the driving. She wasn't excited to get back, so she asked the driver to stop by at a park not too far from the house just so she could sit there and have a moment to herself while she knew James and Nate were being taken care of.
While she took a little time to just be, Hotch and the boys went home, after a few more cookies, of course.
Once they arrived, Jack took Nate into his room so they could play with his new video game. Hotch went into the kitchen to make some popcorn before joining the boys for some fun before bed. It felt more normal to have Nate back there with them than it did to not have him and Emily there.
Truth was, the Hotchners got used to having them around and missed them once they left. The house was quieter, and even messier. He couldn't really figure out that one since they were down to two people who picked up after themselves, but still, it was messier around the apartment. And it didn't smell as nice.
"I like that you kept my bed," Nate said.
"It's so you can use it any time, or friends if they want to come over."
"Is Emily's room the same?"
"Yup," Jack said. "Just without all her clothes and stuff. We did get some boxes from her place in England. So those are in there."
"Cool. I've been to England. I lived there. And saw Emily."
"You did?" Jack asked. "That's neat. What was it like?"
Nate really hadn't seen much of England, but he was happy to share what he had and all about his adventure with Emily. Eventually, as the stories wound down and after Hotch told them it was time for bed, things got quiet.
Nate sighed.
"I wish we still lived here," Nate said into the quiet night.
"You do?" Jack asked, peeking over the rail of the top bunk.
"Yeah… I liked it here."
"I liked having you guys here, too. It was fun. Don't tell my dad, but Emily cooks better than him."
"Mmhmm." Nate's voice lowered and he sounded sad to Jack.
"You don't like living with your dad and Emily?"
"I don't think my dad is better."
"Why not?"
"He still can't talk right all the way and…"
"And what?"
"My dad is mean," he quietly said. "He yells a lot."
"At you?"
"Mostly Emily. To me too, sometimes. But Emily doesn't know."
"Sometimes dads do that," Jack reasoned.
"I guess."
"You should tell Emily… Or my dad."
"Maybe," he told Jack.
"You can come here when you're sad. My dad won't care," Jack said.
"It's not bad, I just wish he didn't yell at Emily so much. She's super nice to him and all he does is yell at her. He wasn't like this before."
"I'm sorry," Jack told him.
"It's because he hurt his brain. Emily said that he might be different than we're used to."
"So he's always going to be like that?"
"I don't know."
"Oh…" Jack didn't really know what to say. It was clear his friend was sad because of, first, losing one dad and then dealing with all the changes in the other, but how could he help? What could he say? He didn't know all the details and he was sure Nate didn't either. Was there something he could do?
"I'm tired," Nate said, wanting to end the conversation. "Night Jack."
"Night Nate."
It was like old times being in that room. It felt like so long since Nate had slept there, even if it was only a couple of weeks. He slept better than he had in that time, too, even with everything on his mind. Sadly, he wasn't looking forward to going home. Home had always been where his fathers were, but things had changed. He missed his fathers, both of them.
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on the point of view, he wouldn't be going home the next day.
Emily returned to the house long after James had gone to bed, hoping to avoid another confrontation with him. She checked in with the night nurse, but spent a few hours just sitting on a park bench looking at the stars. She went straight to bed when she got in, but, late that night, Emily was awakened by the sound of a scream. Scared the shit out of her.
Fast as she could, she ran toward James and the nurse. Caleb, the nurse, yelled for her to call 911 as he helped James.
"He's having a seizure," he told her, holding James on his side and trying to prevent him from getting hurt during the convulsions.
Emily called for an ambulance and frantically, helplessly watched Caleb try to help James. There was nothing she could do. They had his seizure medication and he had taken it, but it was still happening.
When the ambulance arrived, she let them in, and Caleb gave them stats and vitals. She was useless in the situation. If the nurse couldn't do anything, what was there for her to do? Though, when she came back into the moment, she told them more of his medical history. Not that they really needed it. It was clear what was happening. They needed to take him to the hospital.
"Can I ride with you?" Emily asked.
"You can sit in the front," one of them told her. "Let's go."
She didn't bother grabbing a jacket, just slipped on some shoes and followed them out.
At the hospital, they were able to stop the seizure. James was in a non-communicative ictal state. The whole thing, from the seizure to the aftereffects, was a terrible sight to see. She was so glad Nate wasn't around to witness it. She was terrified by it, by hearing him scream and writhe while she stood by with no way to stop it.
It was yet another image she would never get out of her mind.
But he was stable and would sleep it off. That just meant that there were more tests to be done and more waiting and no sleep for Emily. They hooked James up to an EEG much like he wore after the first seizure. Nodes were attached to his head, monitors reading for brain spikes. And all Emily could do was sit there. Even when they took him for tests, she couldn't sleep and barely did much but sit there. That made the long night become a long day.
She heard from the doctor in the morning. It appeared like some of the motor ticks that James was having that they thought were from the brain damage were partial seizures. What he experienced that night was a cluster of seizures, one after another.
Frontal lobe epilepsy was thrown out there as a potential diagnosis, the damage from the attack causing the brain to misfire and the seizures to occur. They were partial seizures, but last night's was a tonic-clonic which happened once the seizure moved from one part of the brain to all over. Emily's own brain felt like it was on overload with the information.
"It's treatable," Dr. Durant told Emily after taking over the case. She welcomed the familiar face. "We just have to find the right dose of the medicine he is on now. If he continues to have seizures after we reached max therapeutic levels, we can look into surgery."
"Another brain surgery?"
"We don't have to worry about that yet," Dr. Durant told her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Have you given anymore thought to the rehabilitation center?"
Yes, she thought about it. She thought about it almost every day of the past few weeks. Two nurses quit because of James' behavior, and the agency said no more, so the day work was all hers now. At night, the nurses got along with James because he slept most of the time, so she had help then, but it wasn't much consolation. It was still a lot of hard work and restlessness taking care of everything.
"Even with the change in medication, it could take weeks to level out. He will continue to have seizures. The center is equipped to handle that. They have medical staff there 24/7 along with the therapy specialists."
"I'll think about it."
"Please do," he said. "It really could help you both. There are family services there too."
"I don't need help."
"Ok," he backed off. "But you do need rest. He will be in and out all day. The medicine we gave him to stop the cluster last night will make him groggy and out of it. We're going to keep him over night just to monitor the seizure activity and come up with an appropriate dose. Go home. When you come back, we'll discuss what to do when he has seizures at home."
"Alright," she didn't fight. She just wanted to check on Nate and sleep for a little while. Maybe. "Thank you."
He gave a half smile and a nod before leaving her standing there. She didn't move. She just stood and took a deep breath. She must've stayed there for five minutes, at least, an orderly passing and asking if she was ok.
"Fine," she responded.
Eventually, she got moving, stopped to see James and called the driver. She just wanted to get out of there and sleep. Though, that wouldn't be what happened. Instead, when she got there, she had a ton of cleaning to do and arrangements to make.
More work…
While Emily's energy was aptly depleted, Hotch's was being replenished with coffee as he chatted up JJ. Hotch called her the next morning after overhearing Jack and Nate talking. When he walked by the room, he heard them and was about to go in to say lights out again but found himself eavesdropping instead.
His first instinct was to call Emily and talk to her, but he knew she wasn't going to open up if she was having a hard time. He needed to talk to someone that would be better equipped to get through to her. He called JJ, told her that Nate had spent the night and asked if she wanted to get the boys together. No plans for the day, JJ said sure, and they agreed to meet at his place.
When she arrived, the kids gathered and ran off to play leaving them to talk just as planned.
"I love that they get along so well," Hotch said.
"Me too. Jack's the calm, Henry's the energizer bunny, and Nate is somewhere in between, so they're good for each other."
Hotch laughed at the accuracy there. Henry never ran out of energy, but Jack, even energetic, calmed easily and helped bestow that to those around him. Nate, too, had boundless energy at times, but he also had a lot of focus for that energy. They were all very different but worked well together.
"Nate's actually part of why I wanted to get together."
"Nate… and Emily, I assume," JJ surmised.
"Yes. He seems… down. He was happy when he was with Emily, but the moment she was gone, he seemed sad and he asked about her often, like he wants to check in with her, but when I ask if he wants to call her, he says no."
"What do you think's going on?"
"I think James isn't his old self and Emily's taking the brunt of that, burning her candle at both ends." He relayed the conversation he overheard.
JJ told Hotch that she had been trying to get in touch with Emily and hasn't had much luck over the past few weeks or even this morning when she called again.
"Speaking of," Hotch said when his phone rang. "Emily," he picked it up. "What? Is he ok?" JJ watched curiously as he listened to Emily. "Are you still at the hospital with him? … Ok… Do you want me to come? … Alright… Yes… Yeah, ok. I'll call you later."
He hung up, sighed, and looked to JJ.
"What happened?" she asked.
"James was taken to the hospital. He had a seizure," he explained, telling her everything else Emily said.
"So, she's at the house now?"
He nodded.
"Maybe I should go check on her. I've been trying to get in touch with her and I wanted to see if we could do something for her birthday. It's next week."
He wanted to go, but he knew she was the right option. If he went, it would look like he was doing what she told him not to. JJ could do a casual drop in.
"Can you handle three boys?" JJ asked, teasingly.
"I'll do my best. I am bigger than them," he joked.
"I'll call you when I have all the details."
"Thanks."
JJ told Henry she was going and then drove to Emily's. When she arrived, she knocked on the door, but there was no answer. She could hear music playing, so tried again, rapping against the door a little harder, and then harder until finally Emily came to the door.
"JJ?" she asked, surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"You've been avoiding my calls, so I thought I'd just stop by."
"I'm just cleaning. You can come in."
She stepped out of the way and let JJ in, closing the door behind her. Emily led her to the living room so they could sit on the couch. Emily was happy for the surprise visit. It gave her an opportunity to stop for a minute and just be.
"You look… tired," JJ said, treading lightly. Honestly, Emily looked like she hadn't slept in days.
"It's been a long day," Emily replied. "I am tired."
"Want to talk about it?"
Emily told her the same things she told Hotch, and JJ pretended not to know, asking questions and getting more information.
"I was just cleaning some of the mess when you came."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Oh. No, no that's ok. I have it covered," Emily said. "But thank you. Why don't you tell me why you stopped by?"
"It's your birthday next Sunday."
"Wow. I didn't even realize…" That was how crazy her life had been. She couldn't even remember her birthday.
"Well, it has been a few weeks since we've all been together and have seen you, so we were hoping we can have a small party for you."
"I don't know… I don't really need a party and I don't want to leave James."
"We can do it here. We won't go all out, just a little get-together, and we'll clean everything up. All you have to do is be there and enjoy yourself."
She did miss everyone. "Ok. Yeah. I can do that."
"Good. Pen's going to be so happy to hear that."
"Don't let her go overboard. I can't… I have enough going on," Emily said.
"Don't worry," JJ told her. "I will make sure she doesn't. We just want to spend some time with you and celebrate your birthday. There will be food, the kids will get to play, and we will all get to hang out. That's it. Stress free."
Nothing was stress free…
"Now. You really look like you need to rest. Why don't I finish cleaning up and you lay down for a while?"
"No. I can do it."
"The problem is you don't look like you should."
"There's not much left to do."
"Good, then you shouldn't have a problem letting me do it."
"Alright," she acquiesced. "I'm just gonna –" she pointed to her bedroom and then walked off, saying a quiet thanks to JJ before closing the door.
There wasn't much for JJ to do, but she finished whatever she could and then checked on Emily before she left. It looked like Emily was sleeping, though a tad restlessly. It was better than nothing. That was the lowdown she gave Hotch when she went to pick up Henry.
He told JJ that Emily sent him a text saying she was going to stop by later that afternoon and asking if Nate could spend the night again.
"She was supposed to be sleeping. I don't think she got any rest last night."
"Probably not," Hotch agreed. "I'll keep an eye on her."
"We better get going. I'm meeting Pen and Spencer, but she agreed to have a birthday party. That's good, right?"
"It is. Go. I'll see you Monday."
"Bye Hotch."
Hotch kept the boys occupied until he heard from Emily again. She promised Nate ice cream and asked if he and Jack wanted to go, too. When he agreed, they made plans to just meet at the ice cream place. Emily changed, grabbed some new clothes for Nate, and met them there late that afternoon. She was there when they arrived.
"Emily!" Nate was happy to see her.
"Hey Nate. Did you have fun last night?"
"Yeah. Lots. I like being there."
"I know." Me too, she thought. "Jack, take Nate to go look at the menu. Pick whatever you want. On me."
"Awesome," Jack said. "Come on, Nate."
"How's James?" Hotch asked when it was just the two of them.
"He's doing ok? He gets out in the morning with a new set of meds and another roadblock."
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah… I'm just tired. Last night was… We've witnessed a lot, but medical stuff… The blood and gore we see, it's terrible, but I can look at it and see clues and profile that, but there's a reason I've never wanted to be a doctor. I just… it was hard to see."
"I get it. Makes it even harder when it's happening to someone you care about."
She nodded.
"Are you going to tell Nate?"
"I'm going to have to. I need to talk to him about some things. Before I do, are you sure you're fine with him staying the night again?"
"Of course. Jack loves having him there. I think he's the little brother he always wanted."
Emily smiled. "He's the only kid I've ever met that was so eager to share his room. He didn't complain once."
"They're two kids who both experienced something similar and who get along well."
"Yeah," Emily said, staring off at the boys who were laughing and playing with each other not too far away. "I should talk to him… I just… I don't know how he's going to deal with this. So much has already happened and now his father is… It just sucks."
He put his hand on hers. "If you ever need a break, let me know. I can take Nate for a night or both of you can stay with us. Whatever you want."
"Thanks."
"Why don't you stay with us tonight?"
"What?"
"Come home with us. You can talk with Nate there and I can be around if you need help or just another adult to talk to."
"I…"
"Don't say no."
"Fine. Sounds good."
"Then it's settled. Let's get ice cream."
He was happy she said yes. It would give him a better opportunity to suss-out whether she was telling the truth about what happened to her arm and allow him to be there if Nate got emotional.
For the hour they were there, at least, it was like they went back in time a few weeks to when they all lived together. They talked, they laughed, and it was light. It was fun. Soon reality would return.
The boys were excited when Emily said they were all going back to the apartment together, but Nate was nervous when she said that they needed to talk. He knew by now that was not always a good thing. So, when they got to the apartment, he didn't want to put it off.
It was late, so everyone changed into pajamas. Hotch offered Emily clothes for bed. Hotch and Jack settled in on the couch for their nighttime ritual. Emily and Nate went to her old room to talk.
"Alright Nate. Let's talk."
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked.
"No. Of course not. I just have some things we need to discuss."
"Like what?"
"Well, first," it wasn't the time, she heard the voice in her head say, "I wanted to ask about what you said the other day."
"What did I say?"
"You introduced me to your teacher as your mother."
"Oh," he said, looking away. His cheeks flushed pink. "Was that a bad thing?"
"No… I just…. I'm curious why you did that. Did you feel you had to?"
"No."
"Then can I ask why?"
"All my friends at school talk about their moms. One of them even has two moms. And you're… You're kind of like my mom, right? I don't have my dads anymore, but I have you. You said I have you always. So, that's like a mom, isn't it?"
He really had no experience with what a mother was. All his life it was just him and his two fathers. Very few other people were involved in his life. He met some along the way, but other than his dads, there was only Emily. She took care of him and loved him, and he loved her.
"I guess it is. I…" She didn't know what the protocol for this was. She was his mother, now in more ways than just biological, but she wasn't sure what telling him would do to their relationship or his relationship with James. "I just didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. I wanted to make sure that you didn't say I was your mom because you didn't know how to explain who I was."
"Should I not have done that?"
"It's perfectly fine that you did," she said, though James would feel differently.
"I don't think I'm confused. I know you're not my mom, but you act like it, in a good way, and you said you loved me. I love you too."
"I do love you," she agreed. "And you can feel whatever you want. I just wanted to check in with you about it." Now, she was glad she did because this moment was one of the best she had in a while. He made her feel warm and happy.
"That's it?"
"There is something else we need to talk about."
"Oh no. It's bad." He already looked sad.
She didn't correct him, responding, "It's about your dad."
Without too many details about what exactly happened, she gave Nate the gist of what was happening. She told him about the epilepsy and what that meant as a diagnosis and, more specifically, for James.
"So, is he going to stay in the hospital?"
"No, he gets out tomorrow."
"Oh." He looked almost disappointed by the answer.
"Look, Nate. Your father is a friend of mine and has been since we were kids, so I'm going to try to do this because he asked me to help him, but if it's too hard for you to have him home, you have to say something. You have to tell me what you're feeling so that I know and can help."
"Ok…" It wasn't convincing.
Emily explained a little more about what to expect before Nate came up with an excuse to leave. He was getting emotional and didn't like it. He didn't want to be upset all the time. So, he left, walked right into Jack's room, and shut the door for a little privacy.
"I think I'm going to bed, Dad," Jack said when he saw Nate.
"Take care of him," Hotch encouraged.
"I will, if you take care of her," Jack countered, using his thumb to point in the direction of Emily's room.
"I'm on it."
Both were on top of it. Jack went to his room to check on Nate where Nate filled him in on everything, the conflicting emotions obvious. Hotch did the same with Emily. Knocking on the door, he got a quiet come in, and found her going through the boxes that came for her.
"These are mine, right?"
"They are. Clyde sent them. I guess you talked to him about a longer sabbatical and renting your apartment out."
"Yup. Not exactly living there right now. Got expensive paying for hospital bills, nurses, secret plane rides and everything."
"I bet," he said. "Want to talk about what happened with Nate?"
"His dad is sick. In the hospital… again, and he's sad. What's there to talk about?"
"How bad it makes you feel to see him like that…"
"It rips my heart out every time I see him sad, but I can't change what happened. Nothing I can do will make it better, and I just… I have to let him be sad."
"That's a fact of life sometimes. Can I ask you something?"
"Go ahead."
"How did you really hurt yourself?"
Emily looked at him, trying to think of a lie he'd believe, one that she could get away with, but she didn't want to lie. "James was upset. We were fighting, and he grabbed me."
"He did that to you," he angrily said.
"It wasn't a purposeful aggression, Hotch, but yes. He did."
"I think Nate may have seen that."
"I worried that he did. He didn't say anything, but we were yelling. James was. I think he was on the stairs, so he may have heard things, but probably didn't see everything."
"Is it ok to stay there? I don't want you getting hurt… Or Nate," he said.
"Hotch… He gets angry. That's a problem, but he hasn't touched Nate. And this was the first time he touched me. I know I sound like I'm rationalizing, but I don't think he realized he was doing it and he looked surprised that he did."
"Have you talked to him?"
"No. After the parent-teacher night, I went to the park to clear my mind before going back to the house. He was already asleep and then he had his seizure."
"Emily, you know that you can ask for help. You can call any one of us and we'd be there or… Whatever you need we'd do."
"I know. I'm ok. I'm going to figure this out."
"If he hurts you again…"
"Then I'll deal with it. I'm not going to let him hurt me, but I'm not going to abandon him either."
"I understand." He did. He didn't want to, but he did. "Want some tea before bed?"
"I think I could sleep for a week. I'll pass this time."
"Alright. Sleep well."
"Night Hotch. Thanks."
She slept better that night, but still found herself checking on Nate a couple of times and walking around the room, stressed. Come the next morning, she didn't even stay for breakfast before leaving for the hospital. She got up, cooked like old times, and then left, telling Nate she'd see him later.
James was ready to go a few hours later with a list of new medical instructions. Emily didn't know if she was prepared for it, but she would have to be.
Emily and James had been through so much together, and years had passed since they really knew each other, but that friendship never went away. Surely, they could get through all of this too. Emily could support him and take care of him and Nate until they got his seizures under control and he was able to work more on his rehab.
She was lying to herself. She wanted to believe she could, but she didn't.
And when she tried, it was even worse than before.
The seizures had gotten worse, which the doctors told her might happen before they got better. But it felt like every time she closed her eyes at night, she was either being woken up by him having a seizure or worrying about him having one and just unable to sleep at all.
Now Nate had to deal with it, too. He was cranky. Not one night went by that James' seizures didn't wake them up. By Thursday, Nate had enough. Little things set them off because they were all stressed and tired. Emily got a call from Vera saying Nate got into an argument with another student and even fell asleep in class. When she tried to talk to him about it, he just freaked out.
"I don't like this," he yelled. "I didn't do anything wrong. Prescot was being an asshole."
"Language," Emily yelled.
"He was. He was saying stupid things. I… Ugh," he screamed, a guttural cry that showed his frustration. "I don't want this anymore. I don't want my dad to be sick. I don't want my dad to be dead. I don't want to be here."
That wasn't the worst of it.
"You keep getting hurt."
He wasn't wrong. There were several times when James had a seizure and she got in the way. There were some bumps and bruises, but nothing major.
"I hate you for bringing us here. I want to go back, back to England or before we met you! Then this wouldn't be happening. You wouldn't be hurt, and neither would they."
He ran from her after that. He slammed the door to his room and didn't come out for the rest of the night. James witnessed this. He said nothing, simply retreated and left her to deal with the fallout.
Her only form of dealing was crying. She didn't know what to do anymore. It was bad before, but it was worse now. Now, the seizures weren't really being helped with the medicine. Sometimes they seemed more and stronger than before. After the seizures, when he was in that ictal state, Nate was sometimes too afraid to even come downstairs.
James' temper was worse than ever. They fought like a married couple on the brink of divorce, or, maybe more aptly, a divorced couple fighting about everything… Sometimes his food wasn't right, so he'd yell or when he was upset and couldn't quite articulate why, he liked to throw things and scream, usually leaving Emily to clean the mess.
She did her research. Between the damage and the seizures, the temperament and behavioral changes weren't unexpected, but they weren't always this bad. Emily suspected there were some repressed anger issues and depression that he was dealing with too, which made it that much more explosive, but it wasn't her fault. It wasn't.
Emily was exhausted and now she was even more hurt by Nate's outburst, his continued outbursts. It got to the point where he asked to leave. He didn't interact with his father at all. He barely spoke to her after that initial bout and then, when she tried to talk to him, he was just… sad. In the span of a week, they went from him considering her like a mom to him hating her.
And all of this led to the great birthday meltdown.
Hotch and Jack came over Sunday morning, just an hour before the girls were set to come. He and Jack walked in to find Nate nowhere to be seen, and Emily on the ground picking something up, shoulders shaking.
"Go upstairs, Jack. See if you can find Nate. Stay up there until I tell you."
"Ok." He looked around, gaging the situation much like his father was, just before heading upstairs.
Hotch approached Emily as he peered around for James. He wasn't in the room, and sensing what he was doing, Emily said, "The driver and the temp nurse took him to his therapies today," she said, voice shaky and not moving to face him.
"Emily, what happened?"
She openly cried now, trying and failing to hold in the sobs.
"I don't know if I can do this anymore," she cried.
"Do what?"
She let her body fall and lean against the wall as she met his eyes with a look of pure defeat. Her eyes were red, her face was streaked with tears. This wasn't an Emily that Hotch had ever seen.
"This. Any of this. Nate hates me. James hates me. He blames me for Vince's death. I can't do anything right. Why can't I do anything right?"
Her head fell into her hands as she just lost it. There was no holding it in anymore. She just couldn't do it.