You get this one early because I'm trying to avoid rewriting an entire protocol for work by editing chapters. Enjoy

Chapter 32: Truth

"Emily, may I ask you something?" Elizabeth asked once there was a lull in their talk.

"Ok. Go ahead."

"I know that a lot of what James says these days, especially after a seizure, doesn't make sense, but he mumbled something as I was helping him gather some of his things that made me curious."

"What did he say?"

"He said that, well what I believe he said was that you are Nate's mother… Now, I may be digging too deeply, but he didn't just mean that you are just acting as Nate's mother right now, did he?"

Emily was unprepared for that question.

"Damn it, James…" Emily harshly whispered. "Mom…"

More firmly, almost desperately, Elizabeth prodded, "What did he mean, Emily?"

She had her inclinations. She had them for some time. There were hints and little things that pointed Elizabeth in this direction, but she needed Emily to say it. She needed Emily to confirm it.

Meanwhile, just out of sight in the room behind them, cleaning up the party, was the entire team, Clyde and all, there and able to hear the whole thing. When they heard Elizabeth's question, they looked to each other, gaging reactions. Most of them were wide-eyed or slack jawed. It wasn't that there weren't clues, but most of them missed it.

Hotch and Spencer looked surprised that it was coming out, but both noticed neither looked surprised by the possibility.

"I knew it," Penelope yelled.

"You did?" JJ asked.

"Well… I suspected. I found files…" Penelope shrugged.

"You guys knew," Derek huffed, looking at Spencer and Hotch.

They didn't respond, instead, looked to each other before they were interrupted.

In the living room, Emily and Elizabeth didn't get any further in their conversation. They could hear loud whispering and Penelope's jovial voice above all else.

Emily sighed. "I guess I have some explaining to do."

"I would think so," Elizabeth said.

Emily nodded and loudly spoke, "You guys can come in. No need to eavesdrop."

Guiltily, her friends came into the room. Emily motioned for them to sit, but asked Hotch, who already heard the story, to head upstairs with the boys and make sure that Nate was nowhere around.

Emily told them she would talk and then they could ask questions. She knew, inevitably, they would have some. Hell, to that day, she still had some, both for James and herself.

"Where do I start?" Emily asked herself more than the group. "As you know, James and I were once very, very close."

"Skip to the good parts," Penelope said, not intending it to be rude.

"I think, what Garcia is trying to say," Dave corrected, "that we know who James is and know about your relationship. What we would like to know more about is how Nate came to be."

"A lab," Emily plainly stated. "James and Vince wanted kids, but they wanted a donor they knew, someone who they could go to if they had questions about medical history or whatever… I think they just wanted someone they could trust… Someone that they knew and could picture the baby with. Vince wasn't sold on it being me, but James pushed for it. Vince and I didn't always get along. That's something to keep in mind here."

"Go on," Clyde encouraged.

"I was," she sought for the right words to describe it. "I was surprised when they asked me; honored, but surprised. I remember asking why me and James said that there was a lot of talking between him and Vince that led them to me. I was someone he loved and trusted and then he got to talking about what he saw when he thought about our child… One that was half me and half him or Vince and all the qualities it may have. Smart and funny, protective and stubborn… I got pulled in."

She smiled and laughed a little mockingly at herself and her naivety.

"So, you did it?" Dave asked to pull her back into the conversation rather than her own thoughts. "But you weren't the surrogate?"

"I did donate but wasn't the surrogate. They went with me to the doctor, I got checked out and was declared a great donor."

They asked questions about the logistics, about how she donated and all that. Emily kept it simple saying that she was given hormone injections that she had to give herself every day for a few weeks and then one last trigger shot before they harvested eggs.

"But you haven't been in his life? Have you?" Elizabeth asked.

"No," she answered.

Everyone could hear the sorrow in it. Elizabeth, though the answer didn't make her happy, was a little relieved by it. She was relieved to know that Emily wasn't helping to raise the child and just keeping her in the dark. Still, her heart broke for her daughter and what she must have been feeling.

"Em…" Derek started. "We've all known you a long time."

"Yeah," she said.

"And I think we know you pretty well."

Agreeing with Derek, she replied, "I think so too."

"But I don't understand that… I don't see you ever agreeing to do this without more involvement." He knew Emily enough to know that she wouldn't go into this arrangement blindly. She wouldn't go in knowing she would rarely, if ever see Nate again.

"Things were… Complicated."

"Aren't they always, Darling?" Clyde added. Emily shot him a look.

"What I mean is… Well, when I agreed to do it, James promised me I could be as involved as I wanted to be. I knew I wouldn't be his mom, but I could be his cool aunt or something."

"But you weren't…"

Way to state the obvious, Mother, Emily thought. "No. I wasn't."

"So… What happened?" JJ asked. Something had to have happened.

Emily explained about Heather's first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. "After that, I went away. I got offered the position with JTF-12," she looked to Clyde, "And accepted it."

Curiously, Penelope asked, "Where does Nate fit in?"

Emily looked to Spencer, the only one in the room who knew most of the story already.

"Long story short, I was met with quite the surprise when I got home after Doyle."

Clyde gave her questioning eyes. That explained why she never mentioned him in the years they worked together.

"You didn't know about him?" Derek was irate. Classic Derek.

Eyes down, Emily sighed and shook her head. "Not at first."

"Those assholes," Derek forcefully said.

When she saw the disbelief and sadness on her mother's face, Elizabeth clearly wondering if she misjudged the man she considered part of the family, Emily knew she had to give more details.

"In their defense," Emily started, "I was pretty unreachable doing undercover work." She failed to mention that very few attempts were made to get in contact, despite what James had said.

"Don't defend them. That's messed up."

"I'm not saying that it's not, just that it's not black and white."

"Alright," Dave stepped in. "We can look past that for now. You did learn about him, obviously. How old was he?"

"A little over a year old."

Emily's smile just grew, and they could all see she was remembering it. They couldn't help but smile with her.

"He was an amazing little boy. Still is."

"What happened?" Clyde asked.

"You mean why haven't I been in his life?"

Clyde nodded.

"We're definitely wondering that," JJ added.

Emily took a deep breath. She didn't want to make James and Vince look like bad guys. She blamed them for a while, but perspective made her see that she, guilelessly, thought she knew what she was getting into, but didn't and got too involved.

"I was so nervous, but so excited to meet him for the first time, and it went so well. He took to me so easily."

Just like now, Spencer thought.

"He was an easy baby, toddler, I guess. I asked a little about how he was as a baby, but I only know a little."

"You fell in love with him, didn't you?" JJ asked, knowing what it was like to have that bond with your child. Emily may not have given birth to him, but because she was so involved in the process and probably a little out of it after returning to the states, really just knowing the person Emily was, she knew Emily would instantly become connected.

"Of course. I loved him when he was just a concept. And then I nervously held him for the first time and I gave him that stuffed dog and he gave me a slobbery kiss… I never wanted to let him go."

She absolutely didn't want to and never would have if she had a choice.

"I spent every chance I could with him, getting to know him, taking him to the park. Whatever I could do, I wanted to. It was… It was new and exciting and scary, but so amazing. He was this tiny little boy that was part me." She wanted to say "mine," but Nate wasn't hers.

"Help me out here, Emily. I'm trying to understand, but I don't know how you went from that to nothing… no contact." Derek could see things were going well in the beginning. Something had to change.

"I'm getting to that."

"Please continue," Elizabeth encouraged, her hand gently, tentatively, reaching for Emily's.

"I was in his life for a few months. I don't think James minded, but it caused some tension between him and Vince."

"Vince didn't like it?"

"No. He wasn't thrilled about me being around. If I'm honest, I think that they chose to try for a baby when they did knowing that I wouldn't be there for a while. They knew I would be out of touch. Anyway, I was around for Christmas. By then, Vince had enough of me. Every time I was around, I could feel him staring at me, and not in a good way," like he was plotting to kill me. "He hated that Nate liked me. Vince believed that when I was around, all Nate wanted was me. I don't think that was true, but Vince had his insecurities, like Nate would love me more because, in their family, the one thing Nate didn't have was a mom."

"So, that's it? They just cut you off?"

"James allowed that?" Elizabeth asked.

"Not just yet. Like I said, I was there for Christmas Eve. It was a great day. I brought tons of presents, helped Nate prepare for Santa, and read to him. I honestly thought that was going to be one of the best Christmases I've ever had." Boy was I wrong, she thought.

"Oh no," Garcia whined. "What happened?"

"Baby monitors…"

"What?"

"Vince was listening on the baby monitor when I put Nate down for a nap. Nate was, is, a loving kid and I think he loved me then, so sometimes he clung to me. He was half asleep and I was singing him a lullaby. He loved when I sang to him." Emily took a moment to breath and think. What happened was one of the happiest moments of her life that turned into one of the hardest times she had to face.

"Are you ok?" Elizabeth asked her daughter, worried when she saw the hint of tears.

"I'm fine." But she wanted to speed to the end, so that was what she tried to do. "Nate called me mama and Vince heard. That was the end of it. He freaked out and I was pretty much cut off from then on. They moved and I took the job at the BAU."

"I'm sorry," Dave said, speaking for all of them.

"That must have been so hard."

Not really wanting to talk about her years of ignoring the hurt she felt and how much she wished to be a part of Nate's life during that time, Emily stated, "I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't. It was terrible for me, but Nate had a happy life without me. That was all that mattered. I got updates and photos, but I didn't spend time with him again until this happened."

They tried to get her to talk more about what she was feeling, but she really didn't want to. It had already been a long and emotional day full of ups and downs. If she opened that door, she could very easily crumble under it all. She had more than enough for one day. But they weren't completely done with their questions. They had more they wanted to know, and Emily obliged as best she could.

"Does Nate know?" Dave asked.

"No… He doesn't and he won't find out from any of you," Emily warned, looking specifically at her mother. Of all of them, her mother would be the most emotionally invested. He was her grandson.

"Of course not," they all agreed.

"If and when the time is right, James and I will talk to him about it."

They had no reason to convince her otherwise, though they all wished Nate knew and Emily might get the chance to truly be his mother. It wasn't their place. They understood that. They could also see the toll the day was taking on Emily. She looked ready for it to be over.

"I hope you don't feel offended that I hadn't told you about him before."

"We don't," Rossi answered for them.

"No," JJ confirmed, "We get it. I can't imagine how hard it was for you."

They all shared the sentiment. Did they wish they had known? Yes. They wish they could have helped her deal with the emotional toll and pain, but they understood that keeping it locked away was how she survived. It was how she got through so much of her life.

"Now, I thank you all for coming, and I don't want to be rude, but it's getting late and I'm drained. I can't fathom having another conversation like this tonight, so I think this party is officially over."

It had been over for some time by then, but they understood what she meant. Now it was over, as in time to go.

"You want us to finish cleaning? I promised we would," Penelope said.

"No. Don't worry about it. Most of it is done. I can finish."

They tried to offer to help and then leave, but Emily was insistent. They had a lot to do to get James ready to go and she just needed the day to end. So, they got ready to go. Hotch came back down with the boys and one by one they all left. Clyde told her that they needed to talk soon as did Hotch. Emily nodded and promised she'd call them both after getting James settled tomorrow. That satisfied them.

Penelope and Elizabeth were the last to go.

"Mother, I'm sure you want to talk about things more, but let's save it, ok? Maybe we can get together later in the week."

"Absolutely Dear," Elizabeth told her, her hand reaching to cup Emily's cheek, "Just know I think it was an incredibly selfless and wonderful thing that you did."

Lip practically quivering as she held back the remnant emotions, Emily said, "Thanks, Mom."

Elizabeth kissed Emily's cheek and gave Nate a hug that was just a little tighter and a little longer than she ever had before. She had her suspicions, Emily left her some breadcrumbs, but now they were confirmed. She had a grandson. Once she was gone and Nate said bye to Penelope, Emily sent him to check on James.

Penelope was happy it was just the two of them for a minute. "This explains so much, you know."

"Does it?"

"Definitely. Now I look at him and can't see why no one saw it before."

Emily just smiled.

"There are still some eggs…" Penelope said.

"What?" Emily was confused. What did she mean?

"Your eggs at the clinic. There are still some there."

"How do you know this?"

"Oh, Emily… Don't you know not to ask those silly questions by now?"

"I guess not."

"I'm just saying… You could always use them… you know, if you wanted another chance. I think you're a great mother to Nate and maybe another one wouldn't be so bad."

"Thanks for saying that Pen, but, I think I'll hold off. I doubt they're still any good and they aren't really mine anymore."

"You'd be surprised," she told Emily, pulling out some Reid-like statistics on success rates and viability.

A little taken back by all the research her friend did, Emily responded, "I'll keep that in mind."

"Alright. We'll get together soon. Happy birthday."

"Thanks. Drive safely."

Closing the door behind her friend, Emily leaned her back against it, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. She just wanted to clear her head. One less secret to bare… One less pain to suffer alone…

"Are you ok?" Nate asked, startling her.

"I'm fine," she calmly and quietly responded. "How's your dad?"

"He's ok. I think he's sad, but he told me this is for the best. He wants to get better for himself and for me so that he can be a better dad."

"He told you that?"

"Yeah…"

"It's going to work out, Nate. We'll visit and talk with him all the time."

"I know. I'm not worried." Mostly…

"Ok. Good. We can talk more about it in the morning."

"Want me to help clean?" Nate asked.

"Please," she said, grinning and thinking that he was such a good kid. "Just take the trash out. Garbage day tomorrow."

"Ok."

"Then go get ready for bed, please."

He nodded and went to collect the garbage while Emily went to see James. As soon as the man saw her come into his room, he knew she wasn't happy with him.

"I'm sorry," James said. "I didn't know you didn't tell her."

"Why in the world would you think I'd tell my mother about that? Nate hasn't been in my life. Why would I dangle the grandchild carrot in front of my mother knowing she'd likely never reach it?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated.

"Yeah…"

"No… I'm sorry…" About keeping Nate from you. About inflicting pain and sorrow on your life when you've been a godsend.

"Let's not talk about anything right now. The night nurse should be here in about an hour, Nate's getting ready for bed, and I'm tired. Do you need anything?"

He shook his head.

"Are you ready for tomorrow?"

"No… But I have what I need," he answered.

"Alright. Garcia set everything up and informed the center that we'll be there. I'll wake up early to make sure you have everything you need. I figured we could both take Nate to school and then go from there."

Getting his approval, Emily said goodnight, and went to finish cleaning. By the time she was done, the nurse had arrived, Nate was already in bed, and she was ready for it too. Beyond ready. It was earlier than their normal bedtimes, but it was an eventful day.

Emily showered and changed for bed. She laid there just thinking. So much had happened in under twenty-four hours. She was questioning how the hell it all happened. And even though it felt like she had been up for days and some of her stress was gone, she couldn't sleep.

"Ugh," she groaned into her pillow. "I just want to sleep."

Soon, the groaning into the pillow turned into bargaining with whatever higher power might be listening to just let her sleep… It didn't happen and, despite her many attempts, she was still awake when her alarm went off.

"What the hell," she moaned, forcing herself out of bed and to the kitchen.

She made an extra strong pot of coffee and waited for the brew, almost hypnotized by the drip, drip, drip going into the carafe. She sat down with her extra tall mug and sipped on it trying to wake up a little. It didn't work like she hoped, but the day had to get started.

The nurse was let off shift before Emily went to wake Nate.

"Come on, champ. Breakfast is on the table. Time to get up."

"Five more minutes," he grumbled.

"Not if you want a little extra time with your dad," she said.

"Fine. I'm up."

"Good." Emily waited for him to move. He didn't. "Now really get up."

A low growl, he threw his legs off the side of the bed and stood. "Up," he claimed.

"I can see that. I'm going to wake your dad and meet you at the table."

He nodded and sleepily brushed passed her. Seemed like it was a long night for all of them.

James, however, was already up when she went to see him. She told him that she made breakfast and they could all eat together before they left. When he agreed, she helped him out of bed and into his chair. Her upper arms had really gotten a workout lately.

"Thanks," James said, showing true gratitude for her help.

It was a simple word, a small gesture, but it was the first time he thanked her for that kind of help and the only time she believed it. She didn't acknowledge it past offering a smile, but she was happy to hear it.

The three sat down to breakfast with no arguments among them, no raised voices, and nothing being thrown. It was probably one of the only times that happened since James' language and motor skills had improved enough that he could do things on his own.

Instead, they had an enjoyable meal talking about what came next. Emily explained how the day would go.

"The rehab center is expecting you sometime this morning," she said.

She added some information about the facility, telling them that he would have every single type of therapy known to man available to him and that there were neurologists on staff that were equipped to find the best treatment for his seizures. In hopes of keeping things cordial, she didn't mention that there were also behavioral specialists that could help with his personality shifts and psychologists on staff to help with the trauma. That was something all of them had yet to deal with.

"You're really going to get better, Dad," Nate said. He was happy. Sure, he would miss his dad, but he was happy that he was going.

"I will," James agreed.

"We should get ready," Emily said, breaking up the moment. "The driver will be here in a half hour."

They silently nodded. Nate went to dress and get his stuff together for school while Emily cleared the table and then helped James dress.

"Looking forward to doing this on my own again," he said when she helped him with his pants.

"You'll get there."

She could see that he genuinely wanted to get better. He realized the toll he had put on Emily and Nate and didn't want that anymore.

"Your speech has come pretty far, even with the seizures."

"Stutter," he said.

"You do, but even when you don't say things perfectly, we understand you. That's a lot better than where it started. Now you're going somewhere with the best care and it will be better. I know you will."

He pursed his lips into a tight smile and nodded. He wanted to believe that too, and she was trying hard to sell it.

With James dressed and his clothes packed again, Emily went to get Nate. She asked him to keep his father company while she and the driver got things in the car.

Alone, Nate and James had a little heart to heart.

"Here," Nate said, passing his father a small bag. "It's for you to take with you."

"What is it?" James asked.

"Something to remember me and Emily."

"I couldn't forget you."

Nate shrugged.

"Open?"

"Later," Nate said. It was just some pictures of all three of them and a small stuffed animal that looked like Patch, plus a drawing or two. "In your new room."

"Ok."

James looked at his son, seeing how much older he seemed. All he had been through really made him much more mature than most nine-year-olds, he thought. Most of that was his fault. He wouldn't change a thing when it came to his son, but he wished that he fought as hard as Emily had to give him a normal, stable life in one place. It took him years to make the argument with Vince. Now he could see that he should have made it sooner. His son was happy, a different kind of happy than he had been in the past because he experienced things he never had before.

"Nate. I love you," James said, carefully putting a shaky hand on his son's shoulder.

"I love you too, Daddy."

"While I'm gone, take care of Emily, ok?"

"I will," he promised.

"And let her take care of you."

"I'll be good."

"I know you will."

Emily came in and asked if everyone was ready. The car was packed, and it was time to go. Everyone was as ready as they'd ever be. That was where they all were emotionally. Doing what needed to be done no matter how they felt, because they knew it was the best option. They were sad James was going and they were sad that he was different than he used to be, but they were happy he was getting help, though, sad again that he'd be away when they only just got him back.

It all made for a quiet car ride. Emily sat in the front while they took Nate to school so the Hadley boys could have a little time to talk or just be without her in their immediate space. Not much was said, but Emily noticed that Nate held his father's hand the whole ride, only breaking contact when they stopped in front of the school.

Nate looked to his dad then and practically jumped on him, squeezing him with love. "Please get better," he whispered in James' ear.

"I will," James promised. "And remember what I said. I love you Nate."

"Love you too, Dad."

Sadly, Nate got out of the car, Emily right behind him telling him to have a good day. "I'll make sure he's comfortable and safe there," she said.

"I know."

"I'll pick you up after school."

"Alright." He hugged her too and Emily reciprocated.

"See you later," Emily bid adieu with a wave and got back in the car, this time taking Nate's place next to James.

He smiled at her but didn't say anything yet. What was there to say? Honestly, the quiet felt like old times when it was perfectly fine to just be in each other's company without forced talk or interaction. They could just sit there and be comfortable.

There were a few times along the way when James sighed, worried a little about the future and if he could recover. He was going there to have the best shot and take some of the pressure off his family, but it wasn't a sure thing. Feeling his worry, Emily took his hand just as Nate had to assure him things would work out. He wanted to believe her.

"We're here," Emily said, squeezing his hand.

He sucked in a deep breath and waited for help out of the car.

The staff was there to greet them and help with his things before getting him set up in his room. Everyone was warm and welcoming. They took a tour of the facility and went over his schedule.

"Today, we'll take it easy," the man said. "You'll settle in and are free to explore. The doctors assigned to your case will come and greet you, but you're not obligated to take part in any activities today unless you want to. If you do, you're more than welcome. There's a call button in your room. If you hit it, a nurse will be right in."

They listened and took everything in, but they were happy to be left alone again. Emily helped James unpack and told him that if there was anything he needed he could always ask her. She told him that she left a cell phone in his bag so he could reach her or talk to Nate. Part of his therapy was using a cell phone like device to type and work on the fine motor functions and alternative communication.

"We'll be apart, but that doesn't mean we're abandoning you. If you're feeling lonely or just want to talk, use it," she told him.

"I will."

She went back to setting up the room before she came upon the bag Nate gave to him.

"Are you going to open it?"

He shrugged and stuck his hand in, pulling out a few frames. Emily, who was sitting next to him.

"I always loved this picture," Emily said, her finger brushing against the glass where Nate's face rested. It was the same photograph that Nate recognized Emily from, Nate and her when he was a toddler. "But this one… Look at how handsome you all look." She reached for a second photo, one of Nate, Vince, and James all dressed up. "Where were you going?"

"Party," James answered. "For Vince."

Emily saddened, thinking of Vince and what James must have been feeling. "We didn't get along often, but he was a handsome man and he sure makes handsome kids. Doesn't he?"

"Yeah," he said, wistfully.

"I'm sorry that he's gone James."

"Not your fault," he told her. "Sorry I said it was."

"Sometimes I wonder… If I could have helped you both and still gotten Nate out of there. I wish I tried."

"No," he firmly said. "You couldn't. You saved Nate."

"Maybe."

"You did." This time, he initiated it, taking her hand. "Thank you for saving him."

"I would… I would give up everything for him. I'd give my life for him."

He knew that was true. He could feel the love whenever she looked at Nate and any time she was around him. That made him feel guilty; guilty for keeping Nate from having that unconditional love in his life and guilty for keeping Emily from experiencing his life the way he promised.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Emily smiled, showing that she accepted his apology already. "You already said that."

"No, for leaving… For keeping you from Nate."

This surprised her. "I… I don't want to talk about this now."

"Ok. But sorry."

"Fine." As much as she wanted to tell him it was ok, hearing sorry didn't feel enough, even more so now that she knew what she was missing. Years, she was hurt by it. Sorry didn't make it right.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too, James. I still do… But I hope you find some more of yourself soon."

"Me too." He squeezed again. "Go home. Take care of Nate."

"I can stay for a while longer."

"Go. Be happy, Emily. You're doing a good job with him."

She would take that compliment. "I love him."

"I know. Go. Be there when he gets home. I'll be ok."

"You will. We'll come visit next weekend."

"No… Wait. Give me time."

Surprised, she asked, "What?"

"Don't come… Not until I'm better."

"But what about Nate? Nate's going to want to see you and I know you want to see him."

"When I'm better. I need to be better for him."

"James."

"Go, Em. Go. Be happy with him."

"You sound like you're giving up, not trying to get better."

"I promise I'm trying."

All he wanted was for Nate to keep having the life that he deserved. Right now, that was with Emily. So, he made her promise that she would hold off coming with Nate.

"Ok…" she said. What was she supposed to say?

Then he, again, told her to go. This time she listened. She left and headed home where Clyde was, without her knowledge, waiting on her.