Chapter 34: Never a Dull Moment
Hotch called Emily immediately after his talk with Jack not sure how she was going to react. It took a minute for him to wrap his head around it. Nate knew… He knew Emily was his mother and he said nothing. Why? There were so many questions surrounding that including what comes next.
"Mmm, hello?" Emily answered her phone, a sleep filled voice.
"Did I wake you?"
She hopped up in bed. "What? No. I wasn't sleeping." Liar. "Ok, I was. I haven't been sleeping well, so I dozed off early. Is something wrong?"
"Wrong? No, but Jack came to me today and told me something I think you should be aware of."
"Oh jeez. What happened now?"
"Jack asked me if you were Nate's mom."
"What? Why would he ask that? I mean, I know he's a smart kid, but it's not that obvious, is it?"
"Well, no, I suppose it's not, but it wasn't a question he came by randomly."
"Then how?"
"Nate," Hotch said.
"Nate? What did Nate do?"
"He told Jack that you were his mother."
"What?"
"Yeah. Look, this is what I know. Jack and Nate were talking and that came up. Jack came to me and asked if you were Nate's mother. When I asked why he thought that he said Nate told him and he wanted to know if he meant it literally or Nate just considered you his mother. Jack told me about the conversation you had about surrogacy."
"Sorry," she said.
"No, it's fine. He's not a baby. He understands that not all kids come about the conventional way. Point is, Jack came to me about it because of something Nate said. Nate knows or at least suspects something, and I wanted to tell you so that you could decide whether you should address it or wait for him to come to you."
"What… What should I do? How do I even approach this?"
"Honestly, I don't know, but I do think you should go to him about it."
"And what do I say? 'Hey Nate, sorry I didn't tell you before, but you know that woman who you got half your DNA from? Yeah, that's me.'"
"I'm sure you can find something a little more sensible to say than that."
If she wasn't awake before, she certainly was now. Damn it, she thought, the drama never stopped.
"Is this what it's like to be a parent? Never knowing what to do? Never knowing whether what you're doing is right? Constantly wondering what you could do to make things better and worrying that you can't when they need you to?"
Hotch laughed. "That about sums it up. All you can do it be there and hope for the best. Sometimes you get it right, sometimes completely wrong, but that's ok. And if they're not telling you they hate you every once in a while, you're not doing it right."
"Wonderful."
"You say it like you don't mean it, but I think you do."
"It's… It's different."
"Emily," Hotch calmly said. "I know that however it came about probably isn't the way you wanted it to, but this is what you wanted? Right? Even if you hadn't quite admitted it."
"What do you mean?"
"You've wanted to be his mother since you met him. You wanted to be there for him, and you have, when you were allowed, but now you have the opportunity to tell him the truth, to give him what he has been asking for and, in turn, give yourself the opportunity to truly be his parent in every sense."
"What if I get it wrong? What if it's not what he wants?"
"It's what he wants."
"How do you know?"
"Emily," Hotch started, sternly and fatherly, "That kid follows you around like a puppy. He feels comfortable with you and loves you. Right now, you're all he has."
"I'm the default."
"No, you're his mom, and I think he, maybe instinctually, knew that or that there was some connection. Whether or not that's true, he trusts you and wants you in his life. That matters more than biology."
"Yeah… I'm just… I don't know. I think I've always wanted to tell him. I always wanted to be there but…"
"But you're afraid to," he finished. "And that's ok, but I don't think you need to be. Even if James is better tomorrow and wants to take Nate away, not only will I fight with you so you can keep your place in that boy's life, but I think Nate would fight for you too."
"Thanks."
"I probably should have waited until the morning to call," he said.
"Maybe, but I'm glad you didn't. I knew there was something up with Nate. Since James left, he's been…"
"All over you all the time?"
"Yes. Exactly."
"It wasn't like he wasn't like that before."
"I know. He had his moments before, usually when something big happened or at night when he was a little more emotional and tired, but this has been constant. He's like a spotter at the gym, but all the time."
"Maybe this is why."
"Maybe. I'm going to have to talk to him."
"I think so."
"Thanks for telling me."
"I should let you try to get back to sleep but call me if you need help talking with Nate or… after. Before even, if you need a pep talk."
"I might take you up on that."
"Good. Night, Emily."
"Night, Hotch. Thanks for telling me."
When she hung up, it took her a while to relax again. Her head was swirling with more thoughts than she knew what to do with. How long had Nate known? From the beginning? Before London? After? Recently? Was he ok with it? Why didn't he tell her? Did he not want her to know that he knew? Did he wish he didn't know? What did any of it even mean?
She didn't have the answers, but, since he was finally back to being the good student he was at school, no more withdrawn and sullen attitude according to Vera, she didn't want to talk to him about it that morning. It didn't help that now she was wondering if he was acting out because that was when he found out. Then it wasn't about James at all. She wanted to talk to him, so much so that she was vaguely tempted to keep him home from school just so they had time, but she couldn't, and they needed more time than a quick talk over breakfast. It had to wait until that afternoon.
That afternoon couldn't come soon enough. In anticipation, rather than sleeping, Emily spent the night thinking about how she was going to approach Nate about this. Sure, she got the paraphrased version from Hotch that came from Jack, but she was sure that wasn't the whole picture. She didn't know exactly how he found out.
The lack of sleep over the past few weeks was really starting to get to her. She "woke up" that morning with the sniffles, feeling like crap: headache, achy body, cough, and congestion. She couldn't say she didn't expect it. There were telltale signs over the last few days that her body was revolting. Still, she got out of bed and went on as if she knew nothing and wasn't feeling sick. She figured she could try sleeping it off once Nate was at school.
"Are you ok?" Nate asked. "You're yawning a lot and coughing."
"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Eat up."
"Aren't you going to eat?"
"No. Don't think so."
"Why not?"
"I'm not hungry, Nate. Just finish yours, please."
"Did you already eat?"
"Sure," she answered.
He was put off by her attitude but didn't take it personally.
"I'm sorry, Nate. I'm tired. I didn't sleep well, and I don't mean to take it out on you." She stood. "I'm going to get dressed. Finish eating, clear your plate, then go get ready."
Emily really wasn't trying to ignore Nate or keep her distance. Of course, she didn't want to approach the topic that morning, but that was not the problem. She just didn't have the brain power to function. If Nate wasn't around, she wouldn't have gotten out of bed, nor would she have done much of anything that morning.
After changing, Emily sat on her bed, somehow finding herself laying down. She had no idea how long she laid there, but it must've been a decent chunk of time because Nate came knocking and telling her that he was ready, and they could go now.
"I'll be right there."
Groaning, she got herself up off the bed and met Nate in the hall. Peeking out the window, she saw the car was there.
"Let's go."
"Are you sick?"
"I'm ok."
"Are you sure?"
"Nate, you really need to stop worrying about me. I'm the m – adult here."
She almost slipped again…
He sighed. "I know. But I can care too."
"You can, but right now, all you have to do is get in that car and go learn."
"Whatever," he huffed and marched out to the car. Emily rolled her eyes and following behind him.
The school day really couldn't go fast enough for either of them. After the quiet ride, Nate went in and Emily returned to the house. She spent most of the day doing nothing. She picked up a little and made sure they had enough groceries for the next day or so, but that was it. No exercise or anything.
Mostly, she stayed in her bed until it was time to go get Nate. It just felt like, now that her body had time to relax, it was realizing just how hard it had been working to keep up and this was the consequence. A cold… Cold or not, she was having the much-needed talk with Nate.
So, when they returned from his school, Emily asked him if he had a lot of homework. When he said no, Emily asked him to please do what he had and then come find her.
"So you can check it?"
"Nate, I trust you to do your homework. I check it once in a while to make sure you understand what you're doing and maybe to make sure you remember to put it in your backpack, but I don't need to monitor you. You're a big kid. You know you need to do your work, right?"
"I do."
"Good. So, when you're done, come find me. Ok?"
"Yup. What about dinner? You want me to cook for us?"
Emily laughed at how adorable that was, her laugh turning into a cough. Nate's worried eyes on her, she tried to hold it in.
"You're sick."
"I'm fine, Nate, and I will cook dinner for us later, or we can order out. It's been a while since we've had pizza… or Chinese."
"But I can cook. I can make you something to help you feel better."
"I appreciate that, Nate, but it's unnecessary. I feel fine and I don't want you to worry about cooking. Just do your work, then come find me. I'll probably be in my room."
"Fine. But I want pizza with pepperoni… and olives."
"Whatever you want," Emily replied.
He went to the dining table to work on his homework and Emily went to pace her room in anticipation. She swore she was building a nervous sweat. How the hell was she supposed to start the conversation? Be direct? Work up to it? Completely bail?
"Emily?"
"Oh, Nate. Sorry." She didn't even hear the door open.
"I knocked."
She smiled, and asked, "All done with your homework?"
"Yes. I left it out so you can check it anyway."
"Great. How about we go to the living room and talk before dinner?"
"Talk about what?"
"Come on," Emily said, ignoring the question and guiding him to the living room.
Comfortably sitting down, Emily moved her body so they were facing each other on the couch.
"Alright Nate. I want to assure you that nothing is wrong, but I have something that we need to talk about."
"Is this about moving again? Because I still think we should stay with Hotch. He said we could."
"I know he did, and we will talk about it, Hotch and I, but this isn't about that."
"Then what?"
She took the deepest breath she could manage and said, "I wanted to ask you about what you said to Jack."
He narrowed his eyes. "What did I say to Jack?"
"I'm not sure exactly, and that's part of what I wanted to talk about." Another deep breath. "Why does Jack think that you think I'm your mom?"
"Well… because you are. Aren't you?"
He said it so nonchalantly that Emily didn't know how to react. Did he grasp what that meant or was he thinking like he had before? It was one thing to tell his teacher that she was his mother in a moment when it would be presumed that she was. It was something else to tell a close friend, a best friend, that she was his mom when he knew the situation.
"Why don't you tell me what you mean by that? Better yet, let's start with your talk with Jack. What did you tell him while we were staying there?"
She needed more information. While it seemed like he knew something, she wanted to know what exactly and how he learned it. It could be a situation like at the parent-teacher conference. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but this seemed like a change. Before he said that he knew she wasn't really her mom. Now he was saying she was.
He knew which conversation she was talking about without her getting specific. "I don't know… We were just talking."
"About what?"
"Does it matter?"
"It might."
He looked away from her before quietly telling her, "Some boy was making fun of me at school because I had two dads."
"That wasn't very nice of him. Having gay parents shouldn't be something to be teased about."
"And I told Jack about it. I didn't fight back or say anything mean, but when I talked to Jack I told him that I didn't feel different for having two dads, especially because I also have a mom. But even if I didn't, having two dads didn't make me weird. Some people have two moms and that's not weird either. At least, maybe different to some people, but not a bad kind."
Oh… Emily didn't know whether she should have felt disappointed, but she did. That way she took it was that he saw her as a mother figure, like he explained after the conference, so she was like his mom.
"And what did Jack say?"
"Jack asked who my mom was, and I told him you were."
"Did he ask any other questions?"
He nodded. "He asked how you were my mom, and I told him the truth."
"Which is?" Curiosity was piqued and she definitely needed to hear this.
"That you're my biological mother and that my dad, Vince, was my biological dad."
Well, had that wrong. Emily was befuddled. How did he figure that one out?
"Do you know what that means, Nate?"
"I'm not stupid."
"No, you're definitely not. I just want to make sure you understand."
She needed to understand too. Mostly, she wanted to figure out, not the logistics and his understanding of technical stuff, but how he felt about it.
"Well, it means that your stuff and my dad's stuff was used to make me."
That was one way to put it…
He continued, "I didn't come from your belly, but I'm still part you and part my dads, and even if he's not blood related, my dad loved me all the same and is still just as much my dad as my other dad."
She hoped he followed that better than she did.
"Nate, honey, who told you this?"
"My dad. It's not right? Are you not really my mom?"
Fucking James… For someone who seemed intent on not letting her take over his place in Nate's life, James sure seemed to be paving a contradictory path.
"I… I am, Nate," she confessed.
For a second, it was like the confirmation was too much for him. His eyes glazed with emotion that the profiler herself couldn't quite grasp. It was a mixture of scared and happy and sad and more.
"You are my mom, like for real, like he said?"
"Yes."
"I… I believed him, my dad, when he told me, but I thought, maybe he just wanted me to feel better because he was leaving, and my other dad was dead. He wanted me to have you, and… and I'm happy to have you. But I didn't know if it was for real true."
"It is."
He had so many questions, too. He had them with his dad but couldn't ask them because he didn't want to ask him, and he didn't want to hear his dad mix up or stumble on words when discussing something so important.
"But then… where have you been?"
"What do you mean?"
"My dads have been around forever, but you weren't. Why not?"
"That's a complicated story that I want to share with you, but can you tell me a little more about what your dad explained first? That way I know what you already know?"
Nate was in his father's room, a place he often avoided. Knowing James was leaving after he went to school and with Emily asking him to keep his father company, Nate thought he should spend some time with his father. Plus, he got to give his dad the present he put together for him.
It was awkward, even he could tell that, but he did love his father and he wanted to be with him. Nate knew he was going to miss James.
"I know we haven't talked about it too much, but have you ever wondered about your mother?"
"I guess," Nate answered his father. "But not really. I always had you and Dad. I didn't need anyone else."
"But you do now?"
Nate shrugged. It wasn't that he needed someone new, but he saw what having more people around brought to his life.
"Would you ever want to meet her?"
He shrugged again, not knowing how to answer. A part of him wanted to meet her now that he knew there was a mother to know and after losing his father, but he didn't want to hurt James. Truth was he didn't know any different. It had always been just him and his dads. There were never kids to point out how they had only one dad and a mom, so he didn't give it any thought.
Of course, his fathers told him a simple story. James said they wanted a baby so badly that they asked a very special woman to help make that happen. They picked the best woman they knew and asked for a very special gift, Nate. It was simple, but not something he could fully comprehend on a deeper level. He knew his fathers wanted and loved him and somewhere out there, was a woman who made that happen.
Still, he thought he already knew who his mother was. When his dad and Emily were arguing, or when his dad was yelling at Emily, his dad said that Emily was his mother. He didn't think too much of it at first, being upset that he was treating their friend, someone who loved and took care of them, so poorly. Eventually, though, the thoughts festered. He wanted to question it, but never did, a little afraid of what it could mean, or, maybe, afraid of being wrong.
"I thought I did," Nate said.
"What?"
"I heard you yell at her. You said she was my mom."
"Who?"
"Emily."
"Oh… You heard that."
"Emily's my mother?"
"Well… Yes. Your father and I, we wanted a baby. We couldn't do it ourselves and, adopting wasn't an option for us, so we needed help from a woman," he explained the best he could, his speech mostly clear. "I told you that you came from a mommy's belly."
"Emily's?"
"No… No, Emily didn't carry you. We had a surrogate," he said to Nate, who didn't quite grasp that. Still, he continued without going into more detail. "Emily let us use some of her… DNA and it mixed with your dad's DNA to make you."
He didn't get it. All he was hearing was that Emily was his mother. She was his mother and he never really knew.
"I know you have questions, but they'll come in time," James said. "Just know that Emily cares about you. She wants to be here for you."
There were some questions asked anyway, but they both knew they were running out of time. James just told him that everything was complicated. The only thing he needed to know was that Emily was his mother. His fathers picked her because they knew she could give them their amazing gift, and she did. She gave them him, and that was all they ever wanted.
"Nate. I love you," James said, carefully putting a shaky hand on his son's shoulder.
"I love you too, Dad."
"While I'm gone, take care of Emily, ok?"
"I will," he promised.
"And let her take care of you. She'll answer your questions. She'll give you everything you need. Let her love you because that's all she wants too."
Emily listened to everything Nate was telling her and quickly realized how little James told him. James dropped a bomb and didn't even try to clean it up. He didn't even warn her. She could have prepared. She could've reached out sooner. Instead, she was blindsided, and Nate had this swirling around for a week when that didn't need to happen.
"What your father said is all true," Emily began. "I'm going to tell you the whole story, and you can ask questions. If I can answer, I will. Ok?"
"Ok."
"I told you that I knew your father for a very long time, since we were just a few years older than you are now. James and I were best friends for many years, and then he fell in love with your other dad, Vince."
Emily debated with herself how honest to be. She didn't want to taint his memory of Vince or tarnish how he looked at James, but she didn't want to be painted as the villain when she wasn't.
"They were happy together, and very in love. The one thing they wanted and were missing in their lives, was a child."
"Me," Nate said.
"Yes, you. You were all they wanted." She smiled, placing her palm on Nate's cheek. "But they needed help. James came to me, he said that they wanted a baby and asked if I could help."
"How?"
Emily sighed and got into some of the scientific and biological musts for creating a child. She explained that women had eggs and men sperm. When put together, they could create a baby.
"Through sex?"
Emily blushed.
"That's how babies are made, right? A mom and a dad have sex? That's what a kid at school said. He's having a baby brother and his parents told him all about it. You and my dad had sex."
Oh boy… What the hell are these kids learning? Trying not to feel like an embarrassed child and act like the adult she was, Emily took a second before answering, "Typically that's how babies are made, but you and many kids like you, weren't created like that."
"Then how?"
"A lot of doctor appointments," she joked.
In simple language, Emily explained the donor egg process. She told him that she took medicine and a doctor did a procedure to take the eggs from her body. The doctor also took a sample from both of his dads and mixed them with the eggs, but then, rather than putting them back into Emily, the doctor put the egg into someone else, someone whose job it was to just grow the baby.
"Why didn't you do it?"
Not wanting to say the true reason, that she knew if she did, there was no way she could hand him over, she just told him it wasn't an option. His fathers didn't ask her to do that.
"After you were grown in her, and born, you went to your fathers."
"But not you?"
"To be honest, Nate," deep sigh, "I wasn't around when you were born."
"Where were you?"
"I was away, working, and your fathers couldn't reach me where I was. Communication wasn't like it is today."
The words put a bad taste in her mouth. She knew it was right, but it did feel good to cover for them. She wasn't there because they didn't want her there, but she couldn't, or wouldn't, tell him that. For Nate, there would always be this twisted sense of responsibility to cover for James and Vince.
Nate looked confused, so Emily continued.
"I came back to Virginia, back here, where you were born."
"Dad told me that," Nate added.
"When I came back, I met you."
"How old was I?"
"Just about a year old. And you were the cutest kid ever." She pinched his cheek. "Still are."
He looked deep in thought.
"Hey, what are you thinking?"
"How come you weren't around if you knew me as a baby? You didn't stay? Why? Didn't you want me?"
Emily's heart broke for them. All the hurt she once felt from being kept from Nate was fresh again and now Nate was feeling it too.
"Oh Nate," she said, moving closer only for him to move away. "Please don't ever think that. I wanted you more than I ever knew I could. The moment I met you, I fell in love with you. You were the best little kid and, I think, even if you weren't related to me, I would have loved you. My heart grew a thousand times just getting to know you. The moment I held you in my arms, I never wanted to let you go."
"Then why did you?"
"I didn't have a choice. It may be hard to understand, and I may not explain it well, but a lot of adult stuff happened back then. Your dads were… They…" What was she supposed to say? "A few months after I returned home, your dad got a job somewhere else. I wanted to stay in your life, but they were worried it would be too confusing for you. They didn't want you to feel… different."
"Because of you?"
"Your dads wanted what was best for you. They wanted to give you everything, and they felt that I was in the way. They moved around so much and I couldn't follow them. I would have followed you anywhere, but I just wanted you to have a happy family. I don't think that would have happened with me there."
It would have been so easy for her to tell the truth and throw them under the bus. She could have told Nate the truth and let James deal with that. She really couldn't, though. That would hurt Nate and that wouldn't be fair. She didn't want that.
"If I could have been there, Nate, I promise I would have. I wanted to, so badly. I loved you so much it hurt and it took me a long time to make it stop hurting when I wasn't around you. Then I found you again. Your dads brought you to me, and I got to know you all over again. That made me so happy. Knowing you, being able to love you… That makes me happy."
Nate said nothing, just sat there taking it in. Emily watched the emotion play on his face trying to find some clue as to what he was thinking. She tried to be patient for him to respond, but it was hard. There was a desperate part of her that wanted him to just jump into her arms and call her mommy. That was unrealistic. She would've settled for some indication of what was going on in his head.
"I know this is a lot of information, but I need to know, Nate. How are you feeling?"
"I don't know," he honestly answered. "I just… I didn't know what it was like to have a mom until you. And… And maybe I thought it would be cool if you were my mom, but…"
"But now you're not sure?" she dejectedly asked.
"No…" He saw the hurt on her face. "I mean, not no. I don't know. I didn't think you could really be my mom because you can't just make up parents, right?"
"I guess."
"But you are my mom, and that's cool, I think."
"Yeah?" Her whole demeaner changed, a little more relaxed.
"I wish… I wish I had you and my dads all along."
"I wish you did, too Nate."
"And I wish we didn't have to be in danger for me to meet you."
"We're on the same page, there. If you want to stay out of any kind of risky situation the rest of your life, I'd be ok with that," she said, trying to lighten the heavy mood.
"Can I ask you one more question?"
"Yes. Ask me anything."
"Why didn't you try harder?"
"What?"
"To be with me and my dads. Why didn't you try harder?"
Guilt hit her like a knife to the heart. She didn't fight it. She didn't fight for him. Not then. It was an if/then situation she'd have to live with, but now Nate was feeling it too. It wasn't her place to fight, she knew that. But they opened the door, let her get her foot in, then slammed it shut and bolted it for years.
"I'm sorry Nate. I'm sorry that I didn't."
"Me too," he sadly said. "I'm… ok with you being my mom. I don't know what it means though. I don't get why you couldn't always be my mom and I don't know why my dads never said anything."
"It's ok to be confused or feel a little… unsettled."
"I don't know what having a mom means."
"It can mean whatever you want it to mean, Nate. Nothing has to change unless you want it too. We can figure it out together."
"Can I go to my room?"
The way he asked made her want to cry. She hoped that, though surprised, he might be a little happier. He seemed confused. She understood that. Honestly, she was confused about this too. He was never supposed to know. She wanted him too, sure, but it was all a dream for him to know and want to have a mother-son relationship. Now it was happening in an unexpected and perplexing way.
"Uh, yeah. Go ahead. I'll order dinner."
He sluggishly nodded before walking away. Emily stood and watch him go, a sense of longing filling her. This was not how she wanted this to go. Her hand ran through her hair, the other on her hip as she stared off to where he disappeared and blew out a deep breath.
"What just happened?" she asked herself.
Her inner voice didn't get a chance to answer before there was a knock on the door.