Chapter 37: Confrontation

"Hello James," she greeted.

He moved as quickly as he could to face her. Surprised, he said, "Emily?"

"You look well."

"What are you doing here?"

"I think we need to talk. Don't you?"

He blinked and nodded. "I guess we do." He pursed his lips before pulling the walker closer to him and getting up. "Come in."

She slowly walked into the room taking a seat on the small sofa adjacent to the window. He moved the desk chair across from her and sat too, all while Emily watched. She knew what the doctors said. The seizures, which he was still having, were working against the therapy he was doing. He was getting better, but the seizures caused weakness after, so sometimes it didn't seem like he was.

"How are you?" he asked, the first to break the silence.

"How do you think I am?" she practically growled. "Why did you do it, James?"

"Do what?"

"You know what! Why did you tell him like that? We talked about it. You said you didn't want him to know yet and we agreed we would tell him together down the road, but then you decided to drop the bombshell and saunter off to leave me with the fallout. What the hell?"

"I didn't do that."

"Oh, so it was your imaginary twin who told Nate I am his mother?"

"No… I told him, but it wasn't a bomb, Emily. I did you a favor."

"How is that?"

"You wanted him to know. I know you did, and, on some level, he needed to know, wanted to even."

"That doesn't make the execution ok. He didn't need more on his plate, James. He's a nine-year-old boy who lost his dad and went through a traumatic experience. He didn't need any more surprises. I just don't understand what compelled you to tell him like that."

James looked away from Emily, his eyes focused on something out in the distance through the window. Quietly, still looking, he said, "I realized that my son didn't need me. He lost Vince and he lost me, but he could still have you. He needed you."

"So," she started, a humorless laugh sitting in the back of her throat. "You gave me to him?"

"I did," he defended.

"No, you took the easy way out for your mistakes," she countered.

"My mistakes?" he incredulously asked.

"Yes, your mistakes."

"Which mistakes are those?"

"Where do I start, James? There have been so many."

"Emily…"

She could hear it. He was going to give her some platitude or something she just didn't want to hear.

"No James. I look back on our friendship now and I have to ask myself if it ever meant anything to you."

"How can you even question that?"

"Easily, looking back," she mockingly answered, the anger she had repressed starting to boil over.

"I didn't do anything that would make you question our friendship. Of course, it meant something. It still means something to me, Emily."

"I'm not so sure," she countered and continued before he could add his own input. "I know what Vince has meant to you, and I understand what falling in love feels like, even how deep into things you can fall… But it's like the moment you met Vince, our friendship changed."

"That's not true."

"It is true. It wasn't that we spent less time together. That happened, but that was expected." She unconsciously leaned forward toward him. "When we were young, we made a pact to always be truthful with each other, to hold nothing back and be honest with one another. For the most part, we were true to that. We kept our words. Now, though, I can look back and see exactly when that stopped. When you met Vince… Everything changed after that. Everything you told me, especially about him, was lies."

"Not everything was a lie. Our friendship and how much you mean to me wasn't a lie."

"Well," she exasperatedly stated, "At least you can admit it wasn't all the truth either."

"I did lie to you about some things. There's no point in denying what you already know. I kept things from you and got creative with some of the facts that I shared, but that had nothing to do with you or our friendship."

"Oh no?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"Because he trusted me, too. He asked me to keep his secrets, and I did for as long as I possibly could."

"At the cost of our friendship and Nate's safety…"

"No! For the sake of my relationship."

"Which came with a cost," Emily added. "I understand that you did it for Vince, but that doesn't mean that you didn't give up on us, because you did. You gave up on us and gambled with Nate's future… All to be with a liar."

"Don't talk about him that way," James demanded, the emotion bringing out his stuttering speech.

Emily nodded. "I won't speak ill of the dead. There was a time when Vince and I got along, if for no other reason than he made you happy. The three of us had some good times together." Naturally, though, they were surrounded by more bad times. "I don't want to write off the good memories, but you can't deny that there came a point when you could have either trusted me with the truth, with secrets you knew I'd keep and even help with, or lie to get what you wanted. At every opportunity, you chose to lie."

"It wasn't a choice."

"You always had a choice."

"No. I didn't."

"Yes," she firmly stated, "You did."

"Tell me what I was supposed to do."

"I don't know, James. Found a balance, I guess. You told me that his dad was trouble, but you led me to believe he was unsupportive, maybe a little abusive and he wanted to escape that life. I felt for him and I helped you, but that affected many of my decisions and I don't think that's fair. You chose to lie."

"I chose to protect him. You would have done the same."

"Exactly James. I would have done the same. I would have helped you both be safe and get away from Bardolino. But you didn't tell me, and you led me to believe I was helping bring Nate into a safe and happy environment. That wasn't the case."

"Are you saying that you wouldn't have given us your eggs if you had known?"

"I don't know, James. I don't know what I would have done then, especially not from this perspective when I've met Nate and love him. Things, though, would have been very different."

"I don't think it's fair to put your choices onto me."

"I'm not putting my decisions on you. I'm fine with my decisions based on the information I had. My problem is with you always making choices for me. You decided I couldn't know the truth about Vince, you decided I was going to have a part in Nate's life, then you decided I wasn't. You, whether intentionally or not, made decisions for me that affected my life. You made choices and gave me promises or assurances and it all amounted to nothing. It was all nothing," she said, voice filled with conviction and emotion.

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't see it at all, do you?"

"Look, I know I upset you by telling Nate when we said we'd wait, but you're overreacting."

"This isn't about that," she insisted. "Well, not all about that."

"Then tell me what is bothering you. Clearly it has been on your mind for years."

"A lot has been on my mind for many years, James." She shook her head, trying to work past the anger and sadness built up inside of her. "But, most of all, I just want to know one thing."

"What?" he asked, genuinely. He loved Emily. Even with the distance between them over the years, he still considered her one of his closest friends. One of his only friends.

"I've been through so much in my life, a lot of hurt, but nothing… Nothing hurt as bad as you hurt me by allowing me to get close to Nate and then taking him away from me." She waited for him to meet her gaze. "That nearly killed me."

"Emily…"

"No. Let me finish," she said, her voice stern. "I wasn't sure I wanted to help you, not because I didn't want you to have children, but because I didn't know if I could have a piece of me out there and not be a real part of his or her life. You promised me…" She shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut. "You told me that, if I did this, you'd be there for me, too, and that I would have some role in his life. You, my once best friend, told me that I didn't need to worry. That I would always have a place in your life and the life of any child you might have. I trusted in that. I trusted you. Then Vince felt threatened and it was to hell with Emily. I forgave you for not telling me about Nate right away, but I don't know if I can ever forgive you for that."

"I already said I was sorry. I am sorry."

"Maybe sorry isn't enough. Not after everything. I love you. I always will. For a while, it felt like we were all each other had, but you found someone better and I was expendable to you. I don't want someone in my life when I'm expendable to them."

"You're not."

She held up her hand to stop him from saying more.

"Clearly I am. I made some poor choices over the years, many of which, I'm sure were related to my own grief and sadness over Nate and our friendship that I wasn't dealing with."

"He isn't dead."

"No, not physically, but to me, he might as well have been. I was taunted with his memory but not allowed to touch him or talk with him. He was a ghost. He was a ghost that followed me every moment of everyday no matter how much I denied it. And it didn't have to be that way. You made it that way."

"I didn't."

"You did," she said more forcefully. "You did that. Vince made me no real promises. I didn't have a long-standing, trusting, familial relationship with him, but I did with you. I gave you everything, and you took it all away from me. I don't know how we come back from that."

"I don't understand, Emily. If you didn't want the letters, you should have said something."

"You're not hearing me," she indignantly said. He truly didn't understand. "I loved the letters. I loved hearing about him and seeing him grow however I could. I cherish those letters. They were my only connection to him, but that didn't make it any easier to move on. Every letter reopened the wounds. Every time I met someone who shared his name, I hurt."

"He's in your life now, isn't that enough?"

Emily humorlessly laughed. Was that enough? No, it wasn't enough. It didn't make up for all the time she missed and all the milestones she would never experience all because he fell through on his promises. It didn't change anything at all. It was no real comfort. Anyone could be sorry. It didn't change the continuous responsibility and stress that he put on her or the constant fear that what she now had could all be taken away at any moment.

She took a deep breath, hoping to release some of the emotion, and continued, "Let's talk about that. Again, you made the choice to run away. Only this time, you left him behind. You shut me out and shut your son out too. You can do whatever you want to me, I guess, but that was unfair to him. So many of the things you have done lately have been unfair to him."

He had the intelligence to appear contrite. "How is he?"

"Oh, you finally care?"

"I've always cared," he insisted.

"Then you should show it." Again, Emily took a calming breath. "I'm leaving Saturday. I'm going to London where I am going to decide if I am going back there or leaving my job to move back here."

"You can't move there!"

"Why not?" she asked incredulously.

"Because you can't. Think about Nate," he pleaded. He knew he was still in no position to care for his son and that Emily had custody of him, a written legal note that he, himself, had made. But that didn't mean she had his permission to whisk Nate a whole ocean away.

"All I do is think about Nate. London could be a fresh start for him, just as it was for me."

"London is nothing but bad memories for everyone."

"No. Nate knows bad things happened there, just as they have here, but he didn't witness what happened to you and Vince. He remembers the weeks we all spent together, the laughs we shared, and the fun adventure we went on together. He has more good memories than bad."

"No! You can't take him. I won't let you."

"You won't let me?" she laughed. "Right now, you have no say. He's in my custody and I can do what I want."

"You can't. You can't do this."

"Why does it matter? You don't want to see him, said as much yourself. You haven't talked to him or anything since we brought you here. Why do you suddenly care?"

"I've always cared." He was panicking. She could see the look on his face, the same grief stricken worry she tried to conceal most of the last decade. "I'll fight you on this. You can't take him."

"I can do what I want."

She was taunting him intentionally. She got a twisted sense of satisfaction watching him squirm, but she wasn't heartless.

"Please, Emily… I'm sorry."

"Relax, James. That feeling, that desperate, empty feeling you have right now… I've carried that with me for years now. I'd never take Nate away from you. You are his father, just as Vince was, and he needs you in his life, which is why I'm here. I'm angry with you and I don't think we can ever repair the damage here, but Nate needs you in his life. I'm angry you told him I was his mother and you didn't even stick around to work that out with him, but I don't care. I don't quite know how to feel, but I know I love him, and he loves me. We're going to work on that together, him and I. I'm here for him. When I come back from London, I will bring him here, and you will spend time with him. You will stop ignoring him and stop pushing him away because he needs you. He needs his only remaining father in his life."

James was a little confused. What was happening? "So… So you're not going to take him and move to London?"

"I haven't decided yet," she truthfully admitted. "But, whatever I choose, I wouldn't do to you what you did to me. Where we go, you go," she said, before standing and walking to get his wheelchair. Rolling it over to him, she said, "Get in."

"I can walk."

"I'm sure, but we're going for a ride and, trust me, this will be easier for both of us. I need to get back to Nate, so get in."

"Where are we going?"

"To confront some demons," she cryptically answered.

He asked more questions along the way, but Emily wasn't exactly in a talkative mood and didn't really care to respond. Maybe she was being petty or maybe she was just finally dealing with her feelings for him, but she realized, this was a man who, though she would always share some kind of love with, she didn't like very much anymore.

"We're here," Emily said about forty-five minutes later.

"A cemetery?" he asked. "Where my parents are buried? Why are we here?"

"I told you, we're facing demons. For you, that means Vince's death. He's buried here."

James was silent as Emily helped him into the wheelchair and escorted him toward the grave. He wasn't happy with the situation. He liked to lament in his grief. Well, he didn't like it, but he felt his anger and sadness were deserved, and that was where he needed to be. So, as she pushed him to the grave, he moped.

"Why are we here? I don't want to be here."

"We're here because you're an asshole," she said, no longer holding her tongue. "Vince is dead. It was tragic for you and Nate, but that's the reality, and you must face it. You need to face his death, deal with your own trauma, and then learn how to be a father to Nate again. I'm not playing your games anymore. This is what's happening, and I'll try to help when and if I can, but I won't be your crutch. I am there for Nate, one hundred percent, but that doesn't mean I'm at your beck and call any longer."

"You weren't."

"I was. You know I was. That was why you came to me in London. You could have went to any authority, had Vince turn in what he knew in exchange for protection… I don't know. You had other options, but you came to me because you knew I'd drop everything for you and Nate. You weren't wrong, and I won't ever stop that for Nate, but we're done," she wanted that point to get across. She wasn't cutting him out of her life, but she was putting a limit on their relationship moving forward.

He didn't respond, just hung his head low and looked around as they moved through the dirt path.

"Stop," he eventually said.

"What? Are you ok?" Emily worriedly asked.

"This is where my parents are buried."

"I know."

He hadn't recognized it immediately.

"We're heading to where their graves are."

"We are," she agreed.

"Is he… Is he near them?"

"As close as I could get without asking the dead to move."

He wanted to say thank you, but the words didn't come.

"Can we see them first?"

"Yes. Absolutely."

Emily helped him to the pair of gravestones and asked if he wanted her to go.

"Stay. I just… It's been a while since I've been here."

"Ok."

He talked to his parents. He told them about Nate and all that happened. It was good for him to get it out. Therapy helped, but this was pure release. There was no judgment or talking back when talking with the dead. Emily tried not to overhear much, but he didn't ask her to leave, so she knew he wasn't going to say anything too personal. She was right.

Quietly, James put a hand on each of the gravestones and bowed his head, saying a silent prayer for them. Emily bowed her head with him out of respect.

"Where is he?" James asked, not looking at her.

"We can walk from here. I'll help you," she said, holding out her arm for him to take.

She escorted him only a few plots away and stood him in front of the relatively new stone.

"I didn't know what you'd like, but I allowed Nate to help me pick out a few things. We were hoping you would have been awake for the service, but we couldn't wait any longer. Nate needed closure and this was the only way I knew how to try and give it to him."

"It's… It's exactly what I would have picked."

"I'm glad," Emily said, squeezing his shoulder. "I'm going to give you some space, but I'll leave your chair here."

"Thanks."

Emily walked away, far enough that he had some privacy, but not so far that she wouldn't reach him in time if something happened. She watched as James carefully and slowly lowered himself to the ground, his hand never leaving the headstone. She couldn't hear what he was saying, and she was glad she couldn't. She knew he needed this moment to truly face facts. Before, he was only told Vince was dead. He was there and saw what happened, but he didn't want to believe it. Now, he saw the grave and, unlike the one that used to be marked Emily Prentiss, it was very, very real.

She could see he was inspecting the inscription, his hand tracing over the epitaph. Emily chose to keep it simple, but true to who she knew Vince was – who she believed he was to Nate and James. A loving husband and a loving father. He was a shit friend to her, potentially even her nemesis, but he was good to them, and when she was setting him to rest, she kept that in mind.

James was happy with it. He sat before the grave, shoulders slumped and tears pooling at his eyes. He wasn't ready to say goodbye. For weeks, he was able to focus on his own deficits and injuries so he didn't have to think about the absence. Vince was just off on a vacation or something… But seeing the stone and knowing that his body was buried in there… It hurt. There was no denying it, and it made him experience the death all over again.

"I miss you so much," he said. "I wish I was here to say goodbye with Nate. You deserved that, but I'm here now. I'm here and I'm working on getting better for our son. Emily has been taking good care of him… and me. I hope you can see that wherever you are. Just… Know that I love you."

James remained quiet, once again indulging in a silent prayer for his lost love.

"I'll never find anyone like you again," James said. "Wouldn't want to even if I could."

He kissed his fingers and brought them to the V in Vince's name, allowing his fingers to linger a little longer. He didn't really want to go, but he didn't really want to stay either. Being there wasn't being with Vince, it was just a reality check and a chance to say goodbye.

"I'll keep you with me, always," he told Vince. "Always."

James struggled to get back to his feet and, Emily rushed to his side.

"I got you," she said, helping.

"Thanks."

"Are you ready to go?" she asked once he was stable.

"I'm ready."

He didn't look back as they walked away, Emily pushing the wheelchair as he leaned on it and her for support. Emily said nothing, and neither did he. Being at cemeteries wasn't easy for Emily and having to say goodbye wasn't easy for James.

When they got to the car, Emily helped James in before getting in and taking off. She waited for him to start any conversation if there was to be one. He was clearly emotional. He sniffled every so often, wiping a tear from his cheek each time.

Emily didn't say anything until James was back in his room, his mood somber and his spirits low.

"Hey," Emily called for his attention. "I know it's hard, but you needed to deal with it. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for your loss. Whatever he was to me, I know you loved him, and he loved you. You and Nate were his everything."

"We were."

"I like to think that, somewhere out there, he's still watching out for you both, trying to take care of you in some ethereal way. I don't know. That's what I want to believe, for you and for Nate."

"I hope so."

Emily gave him a small gentle smile before grabbing her purse. "Here," she said, pulling out a few pieces of paper. "Nate drew these for you a while back. I told him I'd get them to you."

"Did… Does he know you're here?"

"Yes. He does. I told him I was coming and asked him if he wanted to come along too."

"He said no," James gathered.

"He's reacting to your choices, James. Every choice you make impacts the people closest to you, especially him. You can't expect him to want to come here when you made it abundantly clear that wasn't what you wanted."

He didn't respond, just looked away.

"I should go," Emily said. "Nate should be home soon. Tomorrow's Halloween. I'll send pictures. Then I'm leaving Saturday. I'll be back in about a week. Don't contact Nate while I'm gone unless he contacts you first. He has been through enough, and when you see or talk to each other again, I want to be around."

He sighed, but he agreed with her. "Where's he staying?"

"He's staying with Hotch and Jack. My mother and Pen both offered to watch him if Hotch gets called away."

"You have it covered," James said, almost sad that she could handle parenting so well.

"If you find it in yourself to actually want to know how he's doing, you can call them."

It came off meaner than intended, but she wasn't apologetic.

"Thanks."

"I'll come by with Nate once I get back, but I'll check in with you first."

"Ok. Sounds good," he replied.

"Bye, James."

"Emily," he stopped her. "It won't ever be like it once was, will it?"

"Not even close," she sadly replied, sighing. "What we were ended a long time ago. It's time we accept that."

She walked away before he could respond and headed for her car. Buckled in, she took a moment to just breath. It felt like a long day but had only been a few hours. She had an hour or more left of driving before getting back home… Home… Wherever that was.

Shaking her head, she left the rehab center, drove through the slight traffic, and made it home just in time for Nate and Jack to be getting off the bus.

"Hey boys. How was school?"

"It was good," Jack replied. "I have a lot of homework though."

"What about you Nate?"

"I have homework, too, but not a whole lot, and today, we got a class pet."

"Really? What is it?"

"It's a Guinea pig named Chestnut. She's all brown but has a white spot on her butt. Everyone takes turns caring for her over the weekends. I get her, too."

"Oh boy," she said unenthusiastically. "And when is that?"

"I have a schedule in my backpack. You gotta sign it."

"Alright, well, you'll have to show me later. Right now, why don't the two of you get started on that homework?"

"Are you going to cook? I'm hungry."

"Yes. Hotch should be home soon, so I'll get started, but we'll wait for him. If you don't think you can wait, then you can have an apple or something small."

Nate shrugged, said he could wait, and moved to get his homework out of his bag. As the boys worked on that, Emily got started on dinner prep. She received a text from Hotch letting her know they were just about to land, and he'd be home in about an hour or two at the latest.

By the time he did get home, homework was done, food was on the table, and they were all waiting on him.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," he said.

Dinner was a simple, but full affair. The four of them learned that they much preferred being all together than eating separately. It was a makeshift family; one she was grateful for. They spent the entirety of the meal engaged in lively conversation. Emily asked Hotch about the case and how it went. He responded without giving too many details in front of little ears. Jack and Nate shared all about their day, too.

"How did things go with James?"

"As well as can be expected. We talked. I'm not sure things are resolved, but I said what I needed to say and set some boundaries," she explained.

"Good."

"Did Dad ask about me?" Nate asked.

"He did. We can talk about that more once I get back from London."

"Ok," he agreed.

Nate loved his dad, but he felt abandoned to some degree. Sure, his dad left him with Emily, who was his mom and who was great, but it hurt all the same that he left and didn't want to see him.

"We can send him some pictures of you all dressed up tomorrow," Emily suggested.

"Do you think he'd like that?"

"I know he would."

"Then we can."

They did.

Early the next morning, the apartment was awake with the excited energy of kids on Halloween. Emily and Hotch could barely keep up. Before breakfast, Nate was dressed in his costume and ready to go, pulling Jack into his frenzy along the way. Emily had to practically tie him down to get through the morning, but she didn't want to stifle him too much. He was having fun and she loved seeing it.

Before long, they were off to school, Hotch to work, and Emily was getting the treats ready for the trunk-or-treat, which, surprisingly according to Emily, went well. Hotch showed up even though he didn't think he would be able to. He helped Emily man their trunk as the kids did the parade, stopping at each vehicle for their treat… or trick. The kids ate and played and laughed, which made the parents happy. It was quite the turnout. Emily even got to meet a few more of Nate's classmates and new friends. Everyone seemed to love him.

It was a hit. Emily and Hotch left with smiles on their faces and only a little exhausted, but they had plenty of time to head back home before the boys were done with school and the rest of the festivities began. Though time did seem to speed by.

Thankfully, a lot of the work for the party was taken care of by Dave. He and Pen were the chefs, but everyone wanted to bring something. Emily and Hotch brought wine and bakery bought treats. Not that any other food was needed. It was a full out buffet.

When they got to the house after a few hours trick-or-treating around the neighborhood, everything was decorated in festive fall colors, spider webs and creepy crawly adornments everywhere. No doubt, Penelope had a hand in decorating. The place was alive with music and voices. While it was a small party, Dave invited a few friends including Elizabeth. She too dressed up. Everyone did.

There was bobbing for apples and dry ice smoke, candy worms and edible blood. It was every kid's Halloween dream, and Penelope seemed to be the biggest kid of them all. It was perfect, and what made it even more so was seeing Nate and the team all together, everyone happy and having fun.

Emily made sure to capture every moment she could on film. Starting with that morning, Nate and Jack dressed up like old-timey detectives, Emily recently getting them hooked on Sherlock Holmes books and films. They were so cute. She could barely stand it, in the best of ways.

They all enjoyed themselves until the late hours of the night. The alcohol flowed freely, as did the candy and food. By the end, everyone was either three sheets to the wind or nearing a food coma. That was when they knew to call it a night.

Nate and Henry were passed out in a bowl of candy, literally. Their hands were in the bowl, head practically using it as a hard pillow. She snapped a photo of that too, sending many of them to James. It was a good night and a good way to spend time with the people she loved before her trip.

"I'll grab him," Hotch offered. "Jack's already in the car, half asleep himself."

"Thanks. I'm going to grab our stuff and say goodbye, then I'll meet you at the car."

He nodded and picked up Nate. Emily parted with everyone. They reminded her to keep in touch while she was away. Even if it was only a week, they wanted check ins.

Hotch made her promise the same thing when they talked at the airport as he saw her off. She said goodbye to Nate early that afternoon, promising they would talk daily, and he could call her whenever he wanted.

Before she left, Nate gave her a huge hug, squeezing as hard as he could, and made her promise to come back safe.

"I will," she told him. "Be good."

"Uh huh."

"And do your homework."

"I know."

"Remember to clean up after yourself. Don't leave your towels on the floor or the seat up in the bathroom," though, she realized, that was more a courtesy for her and neither Hotch nor Jack would care about that.

"I know, Mom," he said, rolling his eyes and not really realizing he called her that. "I know what to do."

At that moment, it didn't matter if he said that he was going to burn the place down and be an incredible pain in the ass, all she heard was Mom. He referred to her as his mom before, but never casually called her mom. Now he had…

Trying to keep the emotion at bay, she kissed his cheek and told him, "I love you Nate."

"I love you too."

"I'll see you soon."

Sad as she was to leave, she was deliriously happy the entire way to the airport, even on the flight.