Chapter 41: Growth

As Emily left the rehab facility, she told herself she did what she needed to do to protect herself and Nate and at least Nate wasn't there to witness that. Another time seeing James blow up at her would have had Nate's relationship with him taking two steps back. It was one thing she managed to avoid. She knew he would react first before hearing her out, and that was exactly what he did.

The car ride gave her some time to figure it out. She was just happy to be home. It was done.

Nate, of course, asked about how his father was when she dropped him off. She just said that he was fine, sad that he wasn't there, but fine. Nate didn't ask any further questions but was a little curious why over the next few days, when James called every night, he didn't want to talk to Emily at all.

"Why aren't you and Dad speaking?" Nate asked, his eyes squinting. "Was he mean to you again?"

"Nate, I love you, but it's none of your business. Your father doesn't want to talk to me when he calls because he wants to talk to you as much as he can."

"You're lying," he said.

Emily offered a sad smile and ruffled his hair. "You're a smart kid, but don't try to figure out adult things. Your father and I have our own set of issues, but we're both going to be fine."

"Going to? You're not now?"

"We are, but we can always be better. People and relationships can always be better."

He shrugged, "I guess."

"Well, I guess you also know it's time to get into your jammies and ready for bed."

"If I have to." He rolled his eyes. "Can we watch my show again? It's only a half hour."

"Yes. After you get ready for bed."

He got right on that, and they had an easy evening. For about a week, that was their nightly routine. James would call, they would get ready for bed, and then they would watch an episode of one of his shows from the queue before he fell asleep and Emily turned on some of her shows or looked through the job offers trying to make a decision, which was proving harder than she thought.

Decision time was coming, and she couldn't seem to make one. She had to talk it out with someone. She needed a sounding board and turned to JJ.

Sunday afternoon, JJ came over to the apartment with Henry and Michael. The boys were building one of Nate's new Lego sets, one he got for doing so well on his first report card, while the ladies spoke.

"You look deep in thought," JJ said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"I am," Emily admitted. "I have a few jobs offers on the table and I'm not sure which I want to take.

"What are they?"

"Well, there's one at a Government contracted firm that does security intel. I'd be helping with translating and transcribing audio recordings for intel. That same job is available with the CIA. Both require top clearance, which I have…"

"Wait? The CIA? You're thinking about going to the CIA? Are you out of your mind?"

"It's not the same," she reasoned.

"Like hell it's not."

"JJ, I wouldn't be part of a taskforce or in the field at all. I'm done with that. I've had my fun, now I'm… I'm…"

"Nesting?" JJ added.

"I guess. I wouldn't pick a job that would constantly take me from Nate. He needs the stability in his life to continue. Both of those jobs would be a lot of working from home when I wanted and just coming into the office for briefings and top-secret stuff."

"Is that where you're leaning, then? To the CIA?"

"I don't know. That's what I've been saying… There is another offer."

"Do tell."

"Hotch actually told me about it. There's a professor at Georgetown that's about to go on maternity leave. They're looking for someone to take over her course load for the rest of the semester, which is only a few more weeks, but then for all of next semester. If it goes well, they'll give me my own courses next school year."

JJ watched the way Emily explained the job and discussed what classes she would be teaching. It would include a mix of psychology courses, introductory stuff to linguistics and a course in criminal psychopathy. It was only three classes this semester, but Emily said it was four the next.

"I know you love languages and I'm sure still being in the crime fighting business is appealing, but you sound genuinely excited when you talk about teaching."

"I… I am. You remember college, right? It's like going into a whole new world, just trying to figure things out."

"For what it's worth, I think you'd be great at it. You were always great at the FBI seminars."

"Thanks."

"Are you thinking that's what you want to do?"

"I don't know… Usually they hire PhDs only. I have a Masters and the experience which makes up for not having that, I was told. I met with Dean Mansfield and did a practice lecture right before Thanksgiving. That was the last stage of the interview process."

"How did it go?"

"I was terrified, but it was exhilarating and fun. There were students there who wanted to be there, and they filled out a survey about me after."

"What did they say?"

"I couldn't see the surveys, but the dean said it was all good feedback. That was why I'm their first choice, but I have to let them know tomorrow because I'd be taking over next week, and they would like me to talk with the current professor before she leaves."

"What are you going to do?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I'm going to give it a shot," she said. "If I don't end up enjoying it the way I think I might, I don't have to stay past May."

"I think this will be a good change for you. Your own stability, for you and Nate."

"I hope so," Emily said.

"You'll be great. You're going to have young men hot for teacher."

"Let's hope not." Emily shook her head. "That was such a Garcia thing to say."

"We all spend enough time together."

"We do."

"Well, soon to be Professor Prentiss, what do you say to taking the boys to Sweetie's Bakeshop for a celebratory cupcake or pastry of your choosing? On me."

"I say yes please."

Henry and Nate didn't object either. Michael wasn't given much of a choice.

The next day, Emily committed to the job. By Wednesday, she had a meeting with Dr. Kemper, the woman she was taking over for. She thought it went well. The woman looked ready to pop, even if she did say she was only about seven months along.

They discussed the rest of the semester and the lesson plan already in place.

"You can deviate, of course," Dr. Kemper said. "They're your classes now."

Dr. Kemper, who she was told to just call Hanna, talked a little about the students Emily would have. She shared who the potential problem students were and who the ones who really cared were. It all just got Emily even more excited.

"If you need anything clarified about my class notes or about the classes, you can call me. My number is on the desk in my – your – office."

"Thank you, Hanna."

"Thank you," Hanna said.

Things were changing for Emily, again, but she felt good about it. She had nearly another week to really prepare, and, in the meantime, she shared the news with everyone.

"So, you're going to be a teacher?" Nate asked.

"Yes."

"Teaching kids like me?" His eyes bugged out. "You can be my teacher!"

"Aw, I'd love to be your teacher, but this is a little different. I'm teaching older students."

"Like your age?"

"Some of them might be, but mostly young adults."

"Cool. Can I see you teach sometime?"

"We'll see. Most of the time, I'll be there while you're at school and I'll be home when you get home."

"Really? And you won't have to go away like Hotch does?"

"No. My job will be in one place. I'll go there, I'll do the work, and then I'll come home. Sometimes I will have work to do here like grading papers or tests and I'll go into my office, but I won't have to go away."

"Do you like this job?"

"I think I will."

"More than your old job?"

"I think I'm going to like it just as much, for different reasons."

"So, you won't be sad that I made you stay here?"

"Oh Nate. You didn't make me do anything. I'm here because I want to be here, for both you and me. My family is here with you, my mom, and the team. That's all I needed to be happy, job or no job."

"I love you," Nate said, giving her a big hug.

"I love you too… So much." She squeezed him harder. "But that doesn't get you out of homework. Once you finish, I thought we could go to the store to pick out some stuff for my office and I'm going to need a new computer bag. My old one is on its last leg."

"Ok. Can I get a new toy or game?"

"We'll see. You can definitely get a new book and you need some new sneakers. You're growing like a weed."

"They're a little tight, but I don't need new ones. I like the ones I have."

"Then you can get the same ones, just in a size that fits." Emily patted his knee and told him not to argue. "Go do your homework so we can go, please."

Nate wasn't fond of the waiting while Emily needed to shop for a few new things. She needed some work attire, she told herself, an excuse to buy some new outfits. She didn't go overboard, though. Nate got his new shoes and a small Lego set to add to his collection, while Emily settled on a new set of pants, one dress, a shirt, and a few cardigans… She wanted shoes but decided not to put Nate through that. Her little trooper was over shopping.

She was glad she got what she did, though, because she was more comfortable on her first day. Naturally, the first day did not go without a hitch. Her Introduction to Psychology class was a disaster. The students were young, and some were eager to learn. Most, however, were little monsters who seemed like they didn't want to be there at all. It didn't help that James decided to finally call to talk with her directly… while she was in the middle of class.

She hit ignore on her phone, apologizing to the class, and continued with her lecture, but he called again and again. Eventually, as they neared the end of the class anyway, Emily let her students go early and went to her office.

"Finally decided I was worth talking to?" James answered the phone.

"I could be asking you the same thing, James, but I'm an adult and that would be a stupid way to greet someone."

"I wanted to talk."

"I got that."

"I'm sorry."

"For?" she asked, needing him to say it so she knew how to proceed.

"For how I reacted. It wasn't fair to you. All I saw was you trying to make a move to take my son from me. I didn't give you a chance to speak, and, if I did, I would have seen what was really happening."

"Which was?"

"You were trying to protect Nate from us fighting, and that's being more of a parent than I have been."

"Uh huh," Emily said, wanting to encourage him to continue without saying anything to disrupt it.

"I talked with the lawyer… and my therapist."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. And… they think it's fair."

"Uh huh…"

"Can you say something else?"

"What do you want me to say James? I told you from the start that I would fight to keep him in my life, but that didn't mean I would take him from yours. You were the only one that doubted that."

"I know…"

He paused and, Emily, tired of waiting for him to put in the effort, chose to cut this short.

"James, if you have nothing to say or need to think about it, let's do this some other time. I'm at work."

"You're working?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Where?"

"Georgetown."

"University?"

"Yes."

"Doing what?"

"Teaching," she replied.

"That's… different."

"Yup," she said, annoyed. She didn't want his opinion.

"Good for you. Congratulations."

"Thanks. I have another class soon."

"I'll talk with you when I call later?" he asked. "There are some things I need to say."

"Ok. We can talk then. After you talk with Nate."

"Thank you."

"Uh huh. Bye."

Hanging up, Emily took a long breath, holding it for a moment before slowly exhaling. The day was almost over. "Almost there," she said to herself.

Thankfully, the last class of the day was an upper level course and mostly consisted of juniors and seniors who knew what they were doing and why they were there. So, everyone paid attention and asked questions. They engaged and wanted to be engaged with. That was what made Emily know it was all worth it. That class had already become her favorite. It was a topic she enjoyed and with students who wanted to learn from her. It was good.

They enjoyed it and so did she. Overall, she called her first day a success. And there were many more to come.

Working gave her a greater appreciation of the time she had with Nate. She already savored every second, but now that it was a little more limited, in theory, she savored it that much more. Nothing really changed. She was home before he came home from school, so they weren't losing any time together, but she hung on each moment.

Nate had a surprise for her on her first day. He, by way of Hotch, got her favorite foods for dinner and a chocolate cake for dessert. It made her feel special.

"Are you happy, Mom?"

"I'm very happy, Nate. Are you?"

"I am."

It wasn't a lie, either, not for him or her. Nate still got sad sometimes about Vince and James, but he was happy. He liked his life. Emily liked hers too.

"Thank you for doing this for me, Nate."

"You're my mom. I wanted you to be happy on your first day."

"My special boy. You have such a kind heart."

"I'm a big softie," he said. "But don't tell anyone."

"I won't," she promised.

Nate had her talking about her day more than he talked about his, but just this once, Emily didn't mind. And when James called that night, Nate recapped all that she told him to his father.

"Dad wants to talk to you," Nate said, handing her the phone curiously.

She took the phone and told him to go get ready for bed so they could watch some TV when she was off the phone.

"I'll be in my room," she said.

Again, he looked at her curiously, but said ok. He looked back with suspicious eyes as he walked away.

"Hi James," Emily greeted, heading into her room and closing the door behind her.

"Hi Emily. Are you free to talk?"

"Yeah."

"Ok… I don't know where to start."

"Start somewhere, James. I'm not doing this for you."

"I'm sorry. I know I've said it a lot already, and it probably doesn't mean much, but I am sorry for everything. I should have at least let you tell me what the papers said before I flipped."

"You should have," she agreed.

"I talked to my therapist about it and about my reaction. When she asked me what the papers said, I couldn't even tell her. I assumed the worst. I assumed you were trying to just keep custody of him. That wasn't right of me."

"No, it wasn't."

"She asked me if it would be ok to bring in the lawyer to talk about what the documents said with me. I said yes and allowed her to stay too."

"And?"

"They came to the same conclusion that I eventually did."

"Which was?"

"That Nate's mother was a woman who clearly cared about both me and my son because she wants to keep things civil and make sure I continue with my own recovery."

"What are you saying, James?"

"I'm not happy about the situation," he started. "But I think what you're asking for is fair. The conditions for me are… I think having that be legally binding might be good for me."

The conditions were that he had to live in the same district as Nate so that he didn't have to change schools and in a suitable home for both of them, James had to continue seeing a psychologist at least once a month for a year after he was done at the rehab center, and a few other stipulations that were there to help him and protect Nate.

"I thought so too."

"I… I think that part of me is just angry because it feels like you're taking Vince's place."

"I'm not. I wouldn't want to."

"I know, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel like it. Vince is… He's gone, and I miss him every day. I just don't want Nate to forget about him. I wasn't even there to help him grieve."

"I was," Emily said. "And it was hard. He was hurting and there wasn't much I could do. I tried to find little ways to help him, just like you would have."

"You know, he asks me about my therapies every day. He wants to make sure I'm working hard, but not overdoing it. He does your mother hen thing."

"I'm not a mother hen."

"Emily," he said.

"Ok, I can be… But it's because I care."

"I know. He got a lot of qualities from Vince and me, but there's no denying that you're in there too. I tried to forget that for a while. I felt bad for leaving with him and Vince, cutting you out of my life and his. It was easier to pretend you weren't part of the equation, but that was hard, and I don't want to do that again. So, let's do this right. Let's make the custody arrangement official, but with one change."

"What's the change?"

"It doesn't have to be a part of the official document, but I want you to agree to bring him by more often. I know it's hard to get here. It's a bit of a drive, but I can't come to you and I can't make the effort to be the dad he needs if I only talk to him on the phone."

"I always planned to bring him more, James. You just had to be open to it."

"Every other week? Schedule permitting?" James asked.

"We can try that. Nate's in his school's Winter Wonderland Pageant… He's playing a snowflake."

"He told me."

"Why don't you come with us? You can meet some of his teachers and see how well he is doing there. He loves school."

"Really?"

"Yes. Come."

"I… Yes. Let's surprise him, though."

"Ok. We can do that. He has to get there early anyway, so I'll have Hotch bring him when he takes Jack."

"Ok," he said, not making any comment about Hotch.

"And we can talk about Christmas then. Ok?"

"Sounds good, Emily."

Emily could hear him take a deep breath through the phone.

"Thank you for always being the bigger person. Despite how I act sometimes, I am happy Nate has you in his life now."

"Me too, James."

"Can we talk again tomorrow?"

"We'll see."

He had to accept that. It was a small moment between them, but Emily was pretty set in just keeping things amicable and at acquaintance level between them. Times had changed and so had they. Things were slowly getting repaired between them, though, which made Nate extremely happy. He didn't have to worry about a fight every time they saw each other.

Turned out that surprising Nate was the right thing to do. He was curious when Emily said Hotch would be taking him to the pre-pageant rehearsal with Jack.

"But you're gonna come, right?"

"Of course, Nate. Nothing could keep me away."

"Then why aren't you taking me?"

"I told you. I have to finish some things here, but I will be there. I promise."

"And we can still go for ice cream after? Hotch said he's taking Jack."

"Yes."

"Alright," he conceded, giving her a hug and kiss before getting his stuff together and going to Hotch's.

When he left, Emily had just enough time to rush to the rehab center and get to the school with James before the show started. They arrived, both dressed well, and ready to surprise Nate. Emily had James wait outside the room that she knew the kids were using for make-up and dressing before knocking and going in to find Nate.

"Don't you look handsome," she said, walking up behind him, meeting his eyes in the mirror. "My little snowflake."

"You're here," he excitedly said.

"I said I would be, and I came with a surprise."

"For me?"

"Of course. Tell your teacher you're going out in the hall with me and you'll be right back."

He ran off and talked to his teacher who looked up and waved to Emily before giving Nate permission. Emily told him to close his eyes and she guided him out into the hall.

"Now, open them."

"Dad," he yelled, running to hug James. "What are you doing here?"

"Em –" he stopped and corrected himself. "Your mom thought it would be nice for me to see you in the show."

He turned to Emily, this time hugging her. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

"You're very welcome, Nate."

"Are you staying the weekend?" Nate asked, the beginning of a bunch of questions he asked. James did his best to answer them all and have a little moment with his son.

"Nate, I know you're excited, but it's almost time for the show. You need to finish getting ready and practice with your friends. Your dad and I will be in the audience cheering you on."

He looked between the two adults with a small pout on his face before shrugging. "Ok."

"Hey Nate. You're going to be great out there," Emily said, ruffling his hair.

"Break a leg," James added.

"Thanks," Nate said, waving before he told them he'd see him after the show.

"He has already grown so much in the last few months," James said almost wistfully.

"He had a little cold not too long ago, so I took him to the doctor. She said he grew about an inch from his physical in August."

"He's going to be tall."

"He is."

"What else did the doctor say?"

"He's very healthy. Up to date on shots and everything is looking good."

James nodded, happy and proud.

"We have a little time before the show. Come with me. Let me show you something."

James nodded and allowed Emily to escort him to Nate's classroom. She showed him Nate's desk and his decorated cubby as well as some of the art he had hanging in the collage on the wall.

"And this is Chestnut, the class Guinea pig," Emily showed James the pet. "We had a very interesting time when you came to visit, didn't we Chestnut?" She turned to James. "She says yes, in case you were wondering."

"I wasn't," he teased.

"He's doing well here," Emily told him, becoming more serious.

She patted her hand against one of the desks, telling him to take a seat. Just like her knee still got stiff, especially after being in the car for long periods of time, she knew his body did too.

"His first quarter report card was all A's."

"He has always been smart."

"He works hard," Emily said. "He had a history test last week and he couldn't remember the dates for it. He made me quiz him every night until he had it down."

"Persistent."

"Stubborn," Emily corrected.

"How did he do?"

"A 90."

James smiled. "I haven't gotten him anything for Christmas…"

"There's still time."

"I wouldn't even know what to get him these days."

"Books are always a safe bet. That kid loves to read."

"You have no one to blame but yourself for that."

"Suppose not." She wouldn't want to. "Legos, too. He wants the Star Wars set."

"Santa might have to pick it up, then."

Emily's eyes crinkled and she looked at James. "Does he believe in Santa?"

"Well, he did last year."

Emily gave a surprised nod. By nine, most kids started to realize Santa didn't really come down the chimney on Christmas Eve to deliver all the presents. She realized that Nate was a little naive. He lived a sheltered life and didn't interact much with other children until recently. He may have seemed like a normal kid, but with some things, he was behind the curve. Hell, he didn't even have friends until recently nor did he experience many of the average kid's life events until the last few months.

"What have you and Vince done on Christmas? Special things?"

"Sometimes, if we were in a city that had a gay friendly church, we went to mass. You know I wasn't big on religion, but Vince grew up in the hypocrisy of a crime boss raising a gay child in the Roman Catholic church. He liked to go. It was something he always did."

"Ok. We can do that, you know. I have taken Nate to a church here where Dave's friend is a priest."

"You've taken him to church?"

"Not often, but yes. We've gone a few times. There's a park nearby and there were kids around his age that participating in activities before mass, so I thought it would be good to socialize him a little more before school."

"How did he do?" James asked, interested and a little sad that it was something that needed to happen.

"It wasn't great at first, but he had some experience with Henry and Jack, so he was ok. Spent a little time alone first. I didn't want to step in and make introductions or anything, just wanted him to feel out the situation and help him prepare for school."

"I really messed him up, didn't I?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You can admit it, Emily. I have. I can see it every time I'm with him."

"See what exactly?"

"He's a different kid now. Not in a bad way, and not fundamentally, but he is… Better."

"He was always great."

"Absolutely," James agreed. "But he was… quiet and withdrawn, and I didn't even know it. Vince and I turned him into an obedient little automaton."

"You're being dramatic. He may have been a little behind socially and he has become more outgoing. I think he loves the limelight, but he was never a robot. He has just started to come into his own."

"Why do you do that?"

"What?"

"You always try to paint the best picture of me. Even when we were kids."

"I didn't do that," she lied.

"You do. I never understood why. I would do something to get us in trouble, and you took the blame. Every single time."

"I was a masochist," she quipped.

"Sometimes I think you are. You take abuse for the good of others. That's just the person you are. I don't get it. I'm not sure it's worth it, but it's who you are."

She didn't say anything. What was there to say? She did do that. Sometimes she stepped in to take a hit for someone else, usually someone she cared about, because she knew she could take it. She could take it and she could get through it, whereas she couldn't ever say the same for someone else.

"My doctor says that I've made great strides in my inpatient therapy. Since I've agreed to sign the custody arrangement and the stipulations meant continuing all my therapies, and because my seizures are under control now, they think I can be ready to live on my own in a few months. They want me to get a little stronger so that I can walk up and down stairs without help or getting winded, but I'm walking pretty well and doing most things on my own."

"That's great James."

"I know you said you're done helping me, but I was hoping you and Nate could help me find a place that he's comfortable with and is close enough to any doctors I might need."

"I can do that," Emily agreed.

"Thanks." He took a breath. "I guess we should get in there before the show starts."

"We should." Emily stood. "Let's go watch our kid be amazing."

James smiled. "That's the first time in a long time that you called him our kid without being angry or upset."

"He's our kid, James. We're going to raise him together from this point on. That is what we agreed to. There's no anger in that. There's no sadness. I just want us to be able to be in the same room with each other and to give him the best life possible. He has been through too much and lost enough already. It's our job to make sure nothing else happens."

His smile grew, and he put a hand around Emily's waist as they prepared to walk together.

"Nate is lucky to have you as his mother."

Emily leaned into the hug a bit. "Thank you."

It felt good for her to hear that coming from him. He had been jealous and upset with her for things that weren't her fault, but he still saw her as a good mother. That may have been part of the problem, but the fact that he could verbalize it without cringing was a step in the right direction.

So, as if they were the average heterosexual couple that they weren't, they proudly watched their son preform his five lines and blow everyone else out of the water. He was a natural according to them, born for the stage.

Then they celebrated, with Hotch, Jack and Elizabeth who also came to the play.

The whole night just felt so surreal and so different… It felt a lot like progress. They were moving forward, and they were on their way to making a go out of being a weird, semi-functional family. There was a long way to go.