Chapter 42: Season of Happiness

The last few weeks leading up to Christmas were a little chaotic to say the least. Between shopping, paper grading and finals, plus decorating and setting up the apartment for James, there was a lot going on. Still, they wanted to enjoy it. Emily wanted to give Nate the Christmas she always wanted him to have with her, and, sometimes, that made her go a little overboard.

Penelope only exacerbated the problem.

Emily, trying to fulfill the blonde's request for more Nate time, asked Penelope to come along with her and Nate as they went tree and decoration shopping. Aside from a few specialty ornaments, when she was in London, she didn't really decorate for the holidays. It was just her, so what was the point? Now, she had to buy everything, and Penelope took that as a challenge to find the best of everything and as much as possible.

"What kind of tree do you want? Big? Small? Medium? Fat? Skinny?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "Whatever Nate picks as long as I think we can get it into the elevator and up to the apartment," she said.

"I can pick it?" Nate asked.

"Of course. I want to make this a good Christmas and I want to get us all in the spirit. So, we'll look around and see what calls to us."

"Awesome," Nate said, running slightly ahead of them, bundled in his bright blue knitted hat and matching scarf.

There was no missing him in the crowd.

"You're adorable," Penelope squealed, playfully pushing her friend.

"What? Why?"

"The look on your face is just so precious. Bouncing between a lost puppy that has just been found and a mama lioness on the prowl to protect her little lion cub. Your face is never as expressive as it is when Nate's involved."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Emily said.

"Yes, you do. You can't take your eyes off him."

Emily's smile grew.

"See, you can't even help yourself. Adorable."

Penelope slipped her arm into Emily's, tangling them together.

"Come on mama. Let's go find your cub."

With a ridiculous, prideful smirk, Emily nodded and followed her friend's lead. The three of them walked around for over two hours before Nate finally settled on a tree that he liked, and Emily agreed on. They also picked up a door wreath and a few decorations there, but it became an all-day affair. The tree would be delivered later that afternoon, Emily offering to pay extra to avoid the hassle of trying to get that strapped down and secured onto her car. In the meantime, there was more shopping to do.

Ornaments, train sets, new stockings… They bought it all and went straight to the apartment to start decorating.

In the end, it looked like a winter wonderland. Gone was the tasteful interior decorating that Emily came up with and in its stead, a real-life holiday landscape took over.

Her life had never been as festive as it was then. Penelope even had fake snow in her windows and stick on snowflakes on the glass. It was ridiculous, yet it warmed her heart. It felt like a huge family was celebrating together and crafted this dreamscape to do it in.

When the tree came, she invited Jack, Hotch, and even Spencer to come help decorate knowing they didn't often do much themselves. Everything was complete. Taking it all in, the setting and the people surrounding her, Emily could honestly say that she was happy. For many years, the holiday season was one she dreaded. It was painted with haunted lonely memories, but this year changed that. She was overcompensating, sure, but it was as much for her as it was for Nate. There was nearly ten years of Christmases being packed into one season and, exorbitant as it was, neither could say they didn't like it.

Everyone around them was happy, sipping on hot chocolate, eating some of the holiday themed treats, and laughing. This was what Emily had wanted all her life. She wanted family, and now she had more than she could have imagined.

"You look happy," Spencer said.

"I am happy, Spence."

"Am I still invited to Christmas dinner?"

"Absolutely. Of course, you are. I thought you were going to go visit your mother, though."

"I was. I talked to her and she said not to come. She said it's too depressing, and she didn't want me to spend Christmas in a hospital with her. She was more cognizant when we talked, and she said that she loved me, but because of that, rather than in spite of that, she wanted me to be with my other family and I could come visit on a normal day."

"I'm sorry, Spence."

"It's ok. I plan to fly out the weekend before Christmas and come back on Christmas Eve so that I can still spend some of the holiday with her."

"A loophole. I get it. Let me know if you need someone to pick you up from the airport."

"Really? Thanks."

"You're my family, too, Spence. You're always welcome in my home, and I'll always be there for you. Actually, since we have a moment to ourselves while everyone is occupied, I wanted to thank you."

"Thank me? For what?"

"In the beginning of all of this, you were the first person to know about Nate. You were there for me without really asking the questions I knew you wanted to, not prying, and not telling. For that, I'll always be grateful. I'm happy everyone knows about Nate and that I'm his mother. I'm happiest that Nate knows and accepts it, but I also know that you wouldn't have said a word."

"I wouldn't have," he agreed. "So, you're just thanking me for being your friend?"

"Essentially, yes. Thanks for being my friend."

"Thanks for being mine," he said.

"I hope you don't mind that we'll be joining my mother on Christmas day."

"I… I don't mind."

"Don't worry. We'll be there with you. Surprisingly, Nate makes her a much less scary person."

"Can I bring something at least?"

"I'll pick up her favorite wine and send you a list of chocolates and little things that she might like. No gifts. Just that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. My mom generally cooks for herself, but when she knows she'll have guests, especially on Christmas, she has a cooking staff come in the day before and prep everything so all she has to do is turn on the stove or mix a few things. It will be good, I promise, and we don't need much more than that."

"Alright."

They talked a little more about the plans before joining the group. All that was left was the angel to go on top of the tree. Emily got the honors. Hotch stood behind her, hand on her waist to steady her as she made her way up the small step stool. Everyone watched with smiles as the angel was placed.

Emily wouldn't compare it to a religious experience, but it all felt so perfect that she just might say it was. For her, this moment, and Christmas day itself, would help her ease some of the painful memories she associated with the holiday. No longer would she focus on how Nate was taken from her life or the many years after that when she spent Christmas alone.

"You're crying," Hotch said to her, sneaking up behind her.

"Happy tears," she responded, quickly wiping her eyes. "I'm happy."

"I can tell."

Hotch put an arm around her shoulders, giving her a friendly squeeze as they took in the scene. They too talked a little about the upcoming plans and Emily's little surprise for James and Nate. After that, things started to slow down. The long day of decorating and fun had them all tired. Spencer, having had one too many egg nogs, was crashed on the couch, but everyone else left shortly thereafter.

Their little holiday world stayed up way past New Years. They enjoyed it until then, and Christmas came before they knew it.

Nate was done with school for winter break the Monday before the holiday. They drove to the rehab facility and picked up James that Tuesday. Wednesday, the entire team and others in the bureau, were invited to Dave's for a holiday party.

Emily tried to give Nate and James some time alone at the party, even allowing them a little, semi-supervised time while she went and got Spencer from the airport. With everyone around, she didn't worry about what might happen, especially not when Dave and Derek promised to "babysit."

She returned with Spencer, and her family was still in one piece. Then the wine flowed freely, and the food came in rounds. By the end of the night, everyone was about five pounds heavier and fully satiated. Still, Emily took Nate home to bake the Christmas cookies. For Santa, she told Nate. She could tell that he was weary about the Santa concept but went with it anyway. Let him be an innocent child as long as possible, she thought.

They stayed up a while, putting together a few different cookie flavors and setting them on a plate when they were finished.

"I think we're all set," Nate said. "We have cookies and milk for Santa and carrots for the reindeer."

"We finished just in time for bed."

"But I'm not tired," Nate complained.

"I know you are."

"I'm not," he insisted. "I want to stay up with you and dad."

"Nate, listen to your mother," James added. "Or no presents in the morning."

Nate huffed, pouted, and reluctantly nodded. "Fine."

Emily instructed Nate to get into his pajamas and they would come say goodnight in a little while.

"No movie tonight?"

"Aren't you tired? Don't you want it to be tomorrow, so you can open all your presents?"

He did want that, so badly, but he also wanted more time with them.

"I want to watch a movie."

"Here's the deal Nate, tomorrow morning, we're going to be up early. You know it as much as I do," she pointedly added. "Your father and I are excited too, but in order to enjoy the day, we have to get some sleep, so no movie tonight, but if you're up for it, maybe we can do a double feature tomorrow."

"Alright," he gave in.

He went to bed easily and James and Emily even had a nice little moment saying goodnight to him together. The adults stayed up a little later, finishing the last of the wrapping and eating Santa's cookies together. Emily didn't mention it, but she was still tingling because James supported her role as Nate's mother, commanding him to listen to her.

"Thank you for picking the things up for me," James interrupted her internal thoughts.

"You're welcome."

"I always knew you'd be a good mother, but I didn't expect you to be such a natural with him."

"I love him. I try not to overthink and just react. That seems to be working for me."

"I wish… I wish that I could make up for what I took from you, but I know I can't. I promised you a part in his life, and it has taken years and a dire situation for that to happen. You and I are all he has now."

"He has us, but he also has a whole handful of extended family."

James nodded. "I do see that now…" He stood. "I have something for you. It's not really your gift, but, I suppose, it could seem like one."

"Ok…" Emily curiously nudged. "What is it?"

"Give me a second," he said, leaving the room. He came back with a large manila envelope and passed it to her. "Now it's official," he told her.

Emily carefully, but eagerly opened the envelope. Legal documents…

"You filed the custody agreement," she said.

"Yes. It's being processed now but will be official by the time I'm able to live on my own without any full-time medical needs. There's more in there. Something I think will make you happy…"

Emily flipped through the pages coming to a dead stop when she reached the last few. Her eyes watered as emotions ran high.

"This is an affidavit to amend Nate's birth certificate," she choked out. "But… How? Why?"

"Vince will always be Nate's father, just as I am, but he was never on the birth certificate. Vince wasn't his real name and, though it was who he was to us, he didn't want to risk our son by staking claim like that. I was the only father on record."

"But… Why? Why now? Why do it at all?"

"You and Nate… You deserve it to be official in name and blood."

"It didn't matter to me… I wouldn't have asked."

"I know, but you should have." He moved closer to Emily, putting his hand on her still frozen body. "You are his mother. He knows that, I know that, and you've always known that. We are as unconventional as it comes, but we are family. He is our son. Mine, Vince's, and yours. You haven't received the recognition you deserved, but I want you to have it now. I want your name there. I want him to know that, though Vince may biologically be his father, and he will never be forgotten, Nathaniel Hadley is the son of James Hadley and Emily Prentiss. No doubts about that."

"I… Thank you," she said. It was all she could manage. "Thank you," she repeated.

"Sometimes I feel you have done more for him in the last few months than we have his whole life. I should be thanking you."

"You raised him, I just helped when you needed it."

"It's more than that. He was always a good kid. He is smart and curious and so friendly, but he never really had a chance to be a kid. We isolated him."

"To protect him," Emily tried to justify.

"Yes, to protect him, but it took its toll. He hadn't socialized or had any friends, and now he does. Thanks to you. He's a better kid than the one I left in your care. He was always great, but now he's even better, and he owes that to you. I owe that to you. He's finally experiencing a normal life."

"Whatever that means," Emily joked. "Thank you so much."

"Thank you, Emily. Merry Christmas."

Emily looked at the clock. It was after midnight. Officially Christmas. "Merry Christmas to you too, James." She smiled and took his hand in hers. "I think this is the perfect point to end the night. I am… So thankful to have Nate in my life. I know the reason why he is, is unfortunate, but I can't be sad that I'm finally building a relationship with him. So, I appreciate this," she said, holding up the envelope. "It means so much."

"I know you may not feel the same about me, but I do truly love you, Emily. I will always see you as family."

"I… love you too, James."

That much was true. She could never hate him, though sometimes she wished she could. She disliked him… a lot, but she still loved him.

"Get some rest."

"Goodnight Emily."

She said goodnight, waited for him to head into his room before she retreated to hers. She slept like a baby, only to be woken up by an exuberant Nate jumping on her bed.

"Mom," he whispered at first.

She groaned and, not ready to get up, turned around to face away from him.

"Mom," he yelled, louder and louder and adding bounces on the bed until she finally responded.

"I'm up, Nate. Please stop."

"Merry Christmas," he sang, the biggest smile on his face, all toothy and adorable. "There are lots of presents waiting. Can we open them now?"

"Is your father up?"

"Not yet. I woke you first. You have to get up, then he gets up. I got you something special. Hotch took me shopping, but I don't want Dad to feel bad because his isn't so special."

"You got me something?" Emily asked, her voice sounding almost sad, but really, she was just touched. Between James' gift that night and whatever he was offering her now, she felt like a pampered, loved woman.

"Uh huh. Here," he said, passing her a wrapped box that was sitting on the floor.

"You want me to open it now?"

"Yes. It's your gift for Christmas. It's Christmas," he said, matter-of-factly.

Emily sat up and carefully ripped at the paper, wanting to savor the moment. It didn't matter to her what was inside, just that it came from him.

"It's beautiful, Nate," Emily said, eying the hand carved wooden box. Etched in the sides were little flowers and it was adorned with painted words, all related to being his mother. Inside, the box opened to pictures of the two of them and the family they created. Memories.

"Now you can have a new Nate box, one that won't make you miss me so much, but can be happy."

Her heart felt so full. She thumbed through a few of the photos. On the backs, in Nate's child script, were written a few words. He wrote about their experiences. Aww…

"I love it, Nate. Thank you so much," she hugged him, holding back the tears.

"We can take new pictures today and put them in, too. Ones with you, me, Dad, and Nana."

"I'd love that."

She hugged him again before telling him to go wake James so he could open his gifts before they went to mass with her mother. Spencer would be joining them as well. The present opening was a spectacle that Emily was happy to witness. Despite the mess, she loved every minute of it. The way Nate's face reacted to every present, the way he smiled when he watched his father and mother open their gifts… She loved it. Though, she could see that James and Nate missed Vince. At times, she found herself missing him too. Not that day, but sometimes. She missed him for them, mostly.

"Stay in the moment," she told herself.

"Mom, look," Nate called to her, showing her his present.

Emily acknowledge it and passed him the next. There was no shortage of presents. Nate and Emily agreed some of his old toys would be donated to shelters and such after the holidays. They would figure that out later.

In the meantime, presents were running low and James had one more for Nate.

"Now, this isn't a present that you can open, but I hope you'll be happy with it just the same," James said. "My doctors said that I'm doing very well. They think I should be released by the end of next month."

"Really?" Nate's eyes widened.

"Yes. So, Emily, if that offer you got on the house is still available, I'd like to take it."

"I'll call the realtor tomorrow to tell him."

"I'm going to start looking for a place nearby," he told Nate. "So that we can be close to each other, always."

"I can't wait," Nate cheered.

"We can celebrate that later," Emily said, "Right now, we need to get ready. Spencer is on his way and we're going to have breakfast with him before mass this morning."

"Nana too?"

"Nana is going to meet us at the church."

Nate was excited to play with his new toys but was equally excited to go to Elizabeth's. There was a layer of thick snow outside, and he knew she had the perfect yard to play in. He jumped to get going. He helped his dad do some of his exercises as they readied. Emily already had Nate's outfit laid out, telling him to leave off the dress shirt until after breakfast.

Spencer got there just as they finished. They ate and went to church. The service was lovely, and Emily loved seeing her mother introduce her grandson to all her friends that were there, but Emily was happy when it was over. It was starting to snow again, and Emily just wanted a nice day by the fireplace with her family.

That was, in essence, exactly what she got.

They opened more presents, feasted at dinner, played in the snow, and, generally, enjoyed themselves. They all seemed so carefree and content, and by the time the night was over, they were all happily exhausted. Nate was falling asleep on the way home, and Hotch, who was just coming in as they parked, helped carry him to the apartment, sleepy Jack trailing right behind.

Spencer said his goodbyes and thanked them before they got in the elevator. He was ready to get into the comfort of his warm bed just as they were.

"I had a great time. Thank you for letting me come."

"I already told you. You're family, and you're always welcome."

"Have a good night," he said, hugging Emily goodbye.

That night, Emily and James, once again, put Nate to bed together. He was getting too old for it, but they didn't care. Nate didn't seem to mind either.

When they woke up the next morning, Emily called the realtor. The house sale was getting started, and James would have a nice little savings to use for his new home and to help take care of Nate. It would be enough, after taxes, for them to live comfortably for some time, at least until James figured out his life again. Emily felt comfort knowing they would have some security.

She even agreed to start apartment hunting with Nate for him. She had the next few weeks off from work before her semester started, so she would at least find him some options. Emily was sure Penelope would want to help too.

Emily and James decided that he would stay the rest of the weekend, and Emily thought it would be a good opportunity for them to try "living on their own." By that, she just meant that she would leave them alone in the apartment and see if Hotch would let her crash for the night.

He had no problem with that, and when she proposed the idea to Nate, he seemed eager to try.

"Just me and Dad? No way. But what about you?"

"I'll be upstairs with Hotch and Jack. I'm going to spend the night, but I'll have my phone on, and you can always get a hold of me for anything."

He hugged her and whispered a thank you, and, though she was nervous, she knew it was the right call. The boys needed that experience, especially if James was going to be doing this on his own sooner rather than later. It wasn't easy for her.

When she left the next morning, she made sure to go over things with Nate several times. She made him repeat all the rules and promise to call if he so much as stubbed his toes.

"He'll be fine, Emily," James finally stepped in, sending Nate to his room to get a game for them. "He's my son. I know how to take care of him."

"I know you do."

That wasn't what she was worried about. If he were just under the weather or had a broken bone that slowed him down, she wouldn't have given it a second thought. But he had major brain damage. Things were better, yes. His speech was almost completely normal, only stuttering or unable to come up with words on occasion, but he still wasn't at full strength. Or maybe he was… She just worried that he didn't remember how much work an energetic nine-year-old was.

So much could go wrong.

"Are you listening?" James shook her from her anxiety.

"I am. I get it. You can handle it, but it has been a while since you've been alone with him for so long. Still, he doesn't need you to do amazing things to see you as the father he always loved, so don't do anything crazy. Stay in the apartment or go down to the courtyard if you want, but don't leave the area. Please," she pleaded. "He doesn't need theatrics. He just wants you."

"I know I'm not ready to go chasing him in a park, but I can handle time alone with him."

"I know that, or I wouldn't have suggested this. Just don't be afraid to call me or ask for help. Ok?"

"Alright. I won't. Bye now."

She huffed, went to go kiss Nate goodbye and grab her stuff before she was off.

She spent so much of the day worriedly pacing. While Nate and James were having a quiet day of board games and TV, she was pacing, wearing a hole in Hotch's floor.

"They're fine, Emily. Come join us for dinner."

"Do you think he's feeding him?"

Hotch laughed. "Yes, I think he is."

"Feeding him real food, not crap?"

"I'd hope so," he said.

"I should go check."

Hotch grasped her arm to stop her. "No, you should come sit down. I've cooked. Jack's waiting. They'll call if they need anything."

"They better call anyway. I told Nate to call before bed."

"There you go, then. You'll hear from them."

"I know. I just… Worry."

"You don't say," he joked. "Come on. And god help us when Nate has to go with James for a whole week. You're going to lose your mind."

"I just might," she mumbled, joining them for dinner.

It did little to calm her nerves, but she eventually relaxed. It helped when Nate called, as promised, and assured her they were having fun. They ate, they played, and now he was off to bed.

"I love you, Mom."

"Love you too, Nate. See you tomorrow."

He gave James the phone and ran off to his room. James, Emily could tell, was stressed.

"Long day?"

"I just don't have the stamina I once did."

"It'll come back."

"Yeah, when he is old enough to drive and won't need me."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. It's not your fault. Was today ok?"

"We had fun. It was… different at first. But I think he had a good time."

"I'm sure he did. Look, it will be fine." She wanted to cheer him up. She could tell he was struggling a bit. "You're a good dad and all he wants is some attention and to know you're there. That's all."

"I know… Thanks."

"It doesn't happen often, but sometimes he has trouble sleeping. I've learned that if you turn the TV on in the living room, not too loud, and keep his door open all the way, he settles right back to sleep without really getting up."

He deeply sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just realizing how much better you know my son than I do," James defeatedly said.

"We just know different versions of him. That's all. I need to learn what you know and you need to learn what I know. It'll take time."

"I guess so. Well, I'm going to say goodnight to Nate. See you tomorrow, Emily."

"Bye."

Meeting up for lunch the next day, Emily was excited to share Nate again. She missed him even if she was only a floor away. She wasn't used to sharing him in a way she knew would soon be permanent. It sucked. She knew Nate wanted more time with his father, so, again, she gave them the night to themselves.

She went out to hang with Penelope and JJ during the day, and spent the night with Hotch, again. Now, when she came home, she could tell things went even better. Nate was going to be sad when they had to bring him home. Selfishly, she kind of couldn't wait.

Emily was happy for them, but she couldn't say she didn't also feel a little hurt that Nate seemed so happy without her. She tried not to stay with that line of thinking. Happy was good. She wasn't going to ruin it. She was just excited to have Nate to herself again for a while.

She hugged James when she drove him back to the rehab and watched as Nate held on for as long as he could. It was always sad to watch Nate walk away from James almost longingly, but she knew it wasn't forever and so did he. Only a few more weeks, she told him, then James would be around a whole lot more.

The rest of the week was spent playing in the snow and warming up by the fire at Elizabeth's. When New Year's rolled around, Emily and Nate were at a party at JJ's with the rest of their friends. They stayed up until the wee hours of the night waiting for the ball to drop, everyone cheering when the clock struck midnight.

Nate couldn't force himself to stay up much later. He tiredly clung to her, trying to get her to sit with him in Henry's room where he'd be staying the night. She didn't mind but wondered where it came from. They ended up cuddling on the bed, Nate laying on her, as if looking for motherly comfort.

It made Emily feel like she was back to that first Christmas with him, watching as he slept in her arms. Just like she did then, she sang to him, his tired hands clinging to her shirt.

"I love you, Nate," she whispered, kissing the top of his head. "Thanks for being such an awesome son."

Inhaling, with a deep smile, she said, "Happy New Year."

It was one of the best holiday seasons she had in a very, very long time… It was also a sign of change to come. She was ready for it, she hoped.