Part III

Chapter 14: How Do You Know

December 31st, 1978

Another fall came and went, and with it another semester of law school. Olivia and Fitz were now starting their final year, both eager to finish and starting to network in hopes of a acquiring a job after graduation.

The morning after their night at the Lincoln Memorial, it became clear to Fitz that Olivia didn't remember some of the significant details from that night. She told him she remembered agreeing to leave the club to go on a walk, but deciding to grab a few more drinks first before they left, but after that it all became blurry. She was too inebriated to recall their discussion, falling asleep together, and the kiss they shared.

He didn't bother to bring it up to her. Based on the way it turned out, it seemed like that kiss was nothing more than a silly drunken decision, lacking any true significance. And if not bringing it up meant saving him the embarrassment, he would do just that. The last thing he wanted was to create some unnecessary drama between himself and Olivia that strained them. Remembering that two-month period where they didn't talk was miserable, and he did not want to relive that again. So he stayed quiet, told her they had got caught in the rain and had to sleep outside under a roof for some time, and she didn't ask anymore questions.

They spent the rest of that summer together frequently; Olivia occasionally coming to Fitz's apartment after work and Fitz occasionally coming to her house to see her and say hello to Cyrus and Maya. Edison came in on a couple of the weekends to visit Olivia; at those times Fitz made a point not to go over. Luckily for Fitz, he wouldn't stay for too long, giving the rest of his summer time with Olivia. They watched movies, went bowling, and even went to a Nationals game together.

Going back to New York once their internships were complete, their other friends could see that whatever falling out they had before the summer was now over, and they were back to being friends once again. Fitz told Stephen about the night that he and Olivia had at the club and the Lincoln Memorial, but other than that he shared with no one.

Now it was New Years Eve, and they were about to welcome in the final year of the decade. Marcus and Mellie came home (as was always assumed), and this time Fitz and Olivia were joined by Edison too. Olivia and Edison finally worked through their holiday disagreements at the start of the school year. He finally agreed to the proposal of switching off. So while Olivia spent the past Thanksgiving at Edison's he was now joining her, Fitz, and her family for Christmas and New Years.

"Mellie, you said you have an announcement you'd like to share?" Maya asked her stepdaughter from her place at the table. They were enjoying a nice New Years Eve dinner together.

"Yes, I wanted to share some exciting news, and at first I thought, maybe Christmas, but then I thought what better way to start off a whole New Year than with some amazing news, so I waited."

"Well don't just stand there, tell us!" Olivia boasted eagerly.

Mellie looked to Marcus and stood up out of her seat, taking his hand and taking him up with her.

"Marcus and I are thrilled to share, that we are expecting."

"You're pregnant?!" Fitz nearly choked on his words.

Mellie nodded, "we've been trying since the summer, and we found out, but wanted to make it through the first trimester before saying anything. I'm just shy of four months along now."

Only then did everyone notice Mellie's loose fitting outfit that had hid her bump so well.

"Mellie that is fantastic news! Congratulations, sweetie!" Maya got up and hugged the couple, followed by Cyrus who congratulated them and made a humorous statement about becoming a grandfather.

"Congratulations Mellie. I'm so excited for you," Olivia said, hugging her stepsister, before going up to her brother-in-law and giving him a pat on the shoulder. "Nice work, big guy."

"Congratulations! Sounds like you'll be having a great start to the New Year," Edison added in.

Fitz smiled at them too, "congrats, you're going to make wonderful parents."

They all returned back to their seats. Maya noticeably winced as she sat down.

"Mom, are you ok?"

"Yes, sweetie. Just a stomach ache," she explained. "It might just be from all of the exciting news today, but I think I've lost my appetite."

"Why don't you go upstairs and rest, and I'll clean up down here," Fitz suggested, and Maya nodded a thank you. Cyrus stood up quickly to help her.

"Here honey, let me help you there," he escorted her up the stairs.

"I hope she's okay," Mellie said, trying to re-spark conversation at the dinner table.

"I'm sure she's fine. It's probably just the stomach bug that's been going around this season," Olivia said in a reassuring voice as they all finished their dinner.

After dinner, Fitz was in the kitchen, washing the dishes.

"Hi," Olivia approached him from behind. "Do you want some help?"

"I wash and you dry?" Fitz asked her.

"Sounds like a plan," she said grabbing the dishrag, and starting to dry the plates that Fitz already washed.

"Is your mom ok?"

"Yeah, Cyrus took care of her. She's just sleeping it off. Cyrus also invited James over, they're in the den with Marcus, Mellie, and Edison, if you want to say hi."

"I'll make sure to," Fitz replied and looked over at the clock. "Oh, looks like we have a little over three hours left of the year. Are we prepared?"

"By that do you mean, do we have enough booze or do we have to make a last minute stop at the store before everything closes?"

"Mainly that," Fitz laughed. "How about you? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Nothing you've just seemed quieter since we've been home," Fitz said the words before he even had the time to process what he was saying. Since we've been home, as though this place was also his home, when it technically wasn't. He grimaced at the slip up, praying that Olivia wouldn't have noticed.

"I guess I'm just tired. It was a rough semester," Olivia responded, not addressing Fitz's comment, though she heard it loud and clear, and personally it warmed her heart to hear it.

"Oh Liv, there you are," Edison said, coming into the kitchen "James was looking for you. Something about a new record you gave him that he finally listened to."

"Right!" Olivia remembered the record she gave him when he came by on Christmas Eve. "Will you stand in and dry for me?"

Edison accepted her request and took her place, standing next to Fitz, while she went off to the den.

"So you always spend the holidays with Olivia and her family?" he said, trying to make conversation.

"Um, yep-yes," Fitz stated, and then wanted to try and make as little conversation as possibly with Edison. "Uh could you umm… start putting the dishes away?"

"Sure," Edison nodded, taking a couple of plates and cups and putting them in their regular spot. He went to put the bowls in the cabinets at the bottom, but fell stuck by Louie who was standing, blocking the cabinet, growling at him anytime he tried to get closer.

"Lou!" Fitz shouted, hearing the growl from behind him. But the small, feisty beagle continued to growl and bark at Edison as he neared closer. Edison gave up, frustrated and fed up with standing back.

"Dumb dog!" he bellowed and kicked the dog aside, making him yelp.

Fitz quickly spun around and ran over to the dog who stood and up and shook it off, completely fine. Fitz crouched down, letting the dog into his arms, and giving him some soothing pets.

"He's not dumb! And you better watch it!" Fitz yelled with a sudden fire in his eyes. What kind of man kicks a dog? Edison merely scoffed at Fitz's rage.

"That's rich coming from you."

"Excuse me?" Fitz said, standing up off the ground and puffing his chest out slightly to try and be intimidating.

"You telling me that I need to watch myself," Edison laughed, coming closer to Fitz. "As though I haven't noticed the way you've been looking at my girl for the last two years."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Fitz grumbled, giving Edison an angry, intimidating stare, challenging him to continue.

"You've been pining over her for years. You better be watching yourself," he said, giving Fitz a slight push.

"Don't push me!" Fitz was tempted to push him back, and push him hard, but he worked on his control for many years, and wasn't going to give in through some ridiculous taunts. Instead Fitz sized Edison up, slightly taller and far more muscular, he was a threatening presence to Edison who backed up slightly.

"It's just a little messed up is all – things didn't work out with one of Cyrus and Maya's daughters, so now you're going to try with the other one?"

"Livvie and I are friends. You know nothing," Fitz growled, repeatedly clenching and unclenching his fist. Edison was making it really difficult to stay calm.

"I know enough," he said. "You're just sad and lonely, and trying to hold on to what little parts from your past you have remaining. So you hold onto Olivia. But here's the thing she doesn't need you. She just feels sorry for you."

Fitz's fist immediately connected with Edison's face, making him stumble back and fall onto the ground. Fitz lost all of his control in a full-blown rage, pummeling Edison repeatedly in the face over and over and over again, while he laid struggling on the floor.

"Fitz? Fitz! Fitz stop!" Olivia walked into the kitchen, hearing the commotion and saw Fitz beating Edison. She ran over to him and used all her strength to pull him off of Edison. "Fitz, calm down. Breathe okay? Take a breath."

Fitz stood there with his chest heaving, trying to breathe like Olivia instructed him to do, while Olivia kneeled down to check on Edison. She grabbed some tissue and ice for Edison's face. Fitz did a number on him. His cheek was swollen, and he'd be shining a nice black eye in a matter of hours.

"Liv," Fitz said, still trying to catch his breath. "I'm sorry."

"Not now, Fitz," she said, icing Edison's face. It was clear that she was upset, not so much with him but with the situation. She didn't sound angry, which relieved Fitz, but just annoyed. He decided to give her some space and went upstairs.

ooo

With Edison resting and his swelling down, Olivia thought she should check on Fitz. Edison didn't tell her anything about what happened, just that Fitz was a "psycho" and had "gone mad." She knew Fitz better than that though. It wasn't the first time she'd seen Fitz getting into a fight, there was that time around when she first met him. In that case though, Fitz had a reason, and so he figured that he must have had a reason now. And whatever that reason could have been, made her concerned. Though she chastised herself for it, there was always still a part of her that remained concerned about Fitz's wellbeing, even more than her own if she was going to be completely honest.

She began walking upstairs to the guest room he always stayed when she saw Mellie standing near the doorway of the room with her back turned to Liv. Curious as to what they could be talking about, she hid behind the banister, out of sight from either of them.

"Do you-Do you think we would still be together and gotten married if I hadn't gone off to fight?" she heard Fitz ask Mellie. Olivia's mouth fell open slightly. Fitz never brought up his relationship with to her. There was the brief period when he was worried about seeing her again, but otherwise neither Fitz nor Mellie ever really brought it up.

Did Fitz think about that often? Did he still share feelings for her even now when she was married and pregnant? Olivia couldn't help her mind from wandering. Olivia shook her head. None of this mattered anyways, it's not like he was hers or she was his, so she retreated quietly down the stairs and went back to Edison.

ooo

Fitz laid in the guest bed that he had grown too familiar with staring at the ceiling fan as it slowly spun around on its lightest setting. He let his anger get the best of him downstairs. He was slightly ashamed, but also somewhat elated. He'd wanted to hit Edison for quite some time. He was embarrassed to say that it felt good, but it did. He just wished Olivia wouldn't be mad at him for doing so, and he wished to talk to her.

He heard a knock on the doorway and instantly sat up against the headboard of the bed.

"Livvie?" he said before he could see who it was.

"Not quite…" Mellie said slowly walking in. "We heard about what happened, and I just wanted to make sure you're doing alright."

"I'm fine," Fitz said, his knuckles were slightly bruised, but it's not like Edison managed to get any shots in. "We just got into a stupid, petty fight."

"About what?"

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," Fitz insisted. He then wanted to change the subject away from Edison. "What about you? How are you doing?"

"Are you asking me because you care how I am as a person, or because I'm pregnant?"

"Both," Fitz nonchalantly shrugged.

Mellie chuckled slightly, "I'm pretty good. It's been an easy pregnancy so far."

"That's good. I'm really happy for you Mels, I really am."

"I'm glad, because I also wanted to ask you if you'd be the godfather?" Mellie asked, looking really hopeful.

"You want me to be the godfather?" Fitz repeated in a surprised tone. "Really?"

"Yes, really. Why not?"

"Don't you think it's a little weird to be asking your ex-boyfriend to be the godfather of your and your husband's baby?"

"Maybe, but I feel like our situation has always been weird."

"Mellie?" Fitz whispered quietly thinking a bit before asking his next question. "Do you-Do you think we would still be together and gotten married if I hadn't gone off to fight?"

It was something that both Mellie and Fitz had thought about. The big "what if" that could have shaped their lives so much differently.

"I'm sorry – I'm not using this as an attempt to- I know your happy with Marcus, and I'm happy that your happy. I don't have feelings like that anymore." Fitz tried to clarify. "I just wonder about it sometimes, how things could have been so different. A-And I was just wondering if maybe you've thought about it too."

"I have," Mellie admitted. "It's crossed my mind before, but I don't think we would have lasted."

"You say that with such certainty," Fitz chuckled.

"I think we would have maybe lasted longer, but we would have broken up at some point," Mellie shared more of her thought.

"How are you so sure?" Fitz asked, impressed with the certainty and honesty coming out of Mellie right now.

"Because you were never in love with me, Fitz. You're in love with Olivia."

Fitz's eyes grew wide hearing Mellie.

"Is it that obvious?" he groaned.

Mellie laughed and went in to sit on the bed to provide more comfort.

"It might not be obvious to everyone, but I think you're forgetting that I've known you for quite a long time too. Just as long as Liv has."

Fitz nodded, she was right. Outside from Olivia and Stephen, Mellie was probably next in line in terms of people that knew him. He never nearly gave her enough credit where credit was due for becoming a real friend in recent years.

"I kissed her," Fitz confessed so quietly.

"What?"

"I kissed her," Fitz repeated. "Last summer when we were both in DC on one of our nights we went out, I kissed her – or maybe she kissed me. I don't really know we were both drunk."

Fitz ran a hand through his hair in frustration, "it doesn't matter who started it. She doesn't remember it at all."

"Because she was drunk," said Mellie.

"Or maybe because she doesn't want to remember," Fitz sighed in annoyance.

"Hey!" Mellie lightly smacked him on the shoulder. "No time for pity. Olivia is crazy about you, she always has been. Remember when we used to joke about how she had a crush on you?"

"Yeah…" Fitz laughed reminiscing how when they first met and got to know each other that Olivia would clam up whenever he was around her. "But that was years ago."

"You know she kept your letter?"

Fitz raised an eyebrow at Mellie, asking her to go on.

"The letter you wrote her while you were at basic training. She keeps it in a drawer in her desk. I've seen her reading it when I've walked past her room before. I've even seen her reading it while she was in college, after she started dating Edison."

"She held onto it? Why would she do that?"

"Why do you think, Fitzgerald? Use some common sense here."

Fitz stayed quiet. Olivia kept the letter he wrote her, and she'd read it somewhat recently. She must have still liked him in that way to some degree, right?

"Anyway, I'm going back downstairs to watch the ball drop," Mellie broke the silence and Fitz looked over, seeing that there was only about fifteen minutes left until midnight. "I hope once your done moping, that you'll come down and join the rest of the family."

Fitz smiled at Mellie's kind words, and her subconscious inclusion of him being part of the family. "I will. I'll be down in a little bit."

Mellie left the room, leaving Fitz alone with his thoughts.

ooo

Flashback: October 27, 1967

Fitz sat in his dad's office doing homework, while his father worked across the room, reading packet after packet for his next big case.

"Dad?" Fitz asked.

"Yes, son?" Gerry put down his folder to look at him.

"Can I ask you something?"

Gerry nodded to Fitz, confused as to why he was dancing around as opposed to just asking, "I'm assuming this is a personal matter?"

"Yeah, it is…" Fitz exhaled heavily. "How did you know that mom was…well…the one?"

"Easy," Big Gerry chuckled. "I was just helplessly and hopelessly in love with her, and I was lucky enough that she felt the same about me."

"But how? How do you know if you're in love?" Fitz asked his father.

A bright smile whisked across Gerry's face, "This is about Mellie isn't it?"

"Um yeah," Fitz blushed humbly.

"The truth is you can't know until you take a step of faith," he stated boldly. Fitz just blankly stared at him, and Gerry knew he had far more to explain. "Fitzgerald, come sit here for a minute?"

Fitz got up from his seat and moved to be across the desk from his father, ready for whatever lesson Big Gerry was about to teach.

"So I'm assuming you think that you already have the general idea of love ingrained into your mind. It's a feeling of utmost happiness, and confidence, and it just makes you feel like you can do anything when you're with that person. No dream too big, and no goal unobtainable. You feel like you are at your highest peak. Right?"

"Yeah, that's exactly how I feel," Fitz grinned, thankful for some reassurance.

"Wrong, Fitzgerald. That may play a part of it, but there is so much more than just that. If you're only feeling that, then you are not in love. You might be excited or exhilarated by this person perhaps, but that can easily fade at the tip of a cap." Gerry took a deep breath before his next words.

"There's a reason the phrase is 'falling in love.' If we were meant to feel so superior and on top of the world by just one person, we would have called it 'rising into love.' Instead we place our values of love in what we describe as the 'fall.' With love comes a great risk and great vulnerability. When you walk, and you take your next step, you don't have any fear that the floor will give out under you, do you?"

"No," Fitz shook his head.

"And why is that?"

"I don't know. I guess I just don't really think about it."

"Exactly! You don't really think about it because you have full faith that the floor will still be there when you take your next step." Gerry explained. "As is true with love. When you're in love you give yourself up to that person with full faith. You might not know how they will reciprocate, but you also don't know if that board on the floor is going to break or not, but you take that step anyway as an act of faith."

"That certainly goes away from the powerful feeling you mentioned earlier," Fitz scoffed.

"Not quite," Gerry held up his finger. "The most powerful thing any person can do is let go of their control – or surrender. And that is what love is, complete surrender to another person."

Gerry looked at his son's frown, "you don't seem pleased."

"It just sounds a lot riskier than I imagined," Fitz rubbed his hand against his eyes. "A lot more serious too."

"It is a serious risk. Giving yourself and fully committing yourself to someone is a gamble," Gerry admitted. "You don't know what the other person will do with you. But taking that risk of trusting and being disappointed, is better than the alternative."

"What's the alternative?"

"I wouldn't know, because I took that gamble with your mother," Big Gerry said with a gleaming smile. "Speaking of, here comes the most beautiful woman in the entire world."

Fitz turned around and saw his mom coming through the door with tea for all of them. He sat in his chair silently watching as his father got up to greet his mother with a loving kiss and heartfelt laugh.

End of Flashback

ooo

Fitz wiped the tears that managed to sneak down his face at the memory. Was this it? Was what he was living right now the alternative that his father couldn't even describe? He fell back onto his bed and sighed. He thought back to Mellie's confession of Olivia keeping the letter. Was that a sign of her commitment to him?

He knew it was wrong of him, but he had to see it for himself to truly believe it. He hoped that maybe if he read that letter that there would be some advice that a young, naïve past Fitz could give himself. So with everyone down in the living room, ringing in the New Year, Fitz snuck off into Olivia's bedroom.

He went to her desk, just as Mellie had mentioned and opened the first couple of drawers, until he saw a drawer filled with stationary and envelopes. Surely if it were to be any place, this would be it. Fitz ruffled through her things, pulling out two letters. He looked at the two envelopes strangely. If he remembered correctly, he had only written her one letter.

He turned them over to read the front of the envelope, and saw the letter that he wrote her back in December 1969, and then another envelope that caught him by surprise. Then envelope was addressed to him, and had Olivia's return address, but it was never sent. It didn't even have a stamp. He slowly opened the envelope, staring at the date that was written in the corner of stationary.

It was from November 23rd, 1972. Fitz, blinked his eyes. 1972? That couldn't be right. He was back from Vietnam then, and Olivia would have just started college when this letter was written. Fitz remembered back when Olivia asked him at his apartment why he didn't contact her right when he got back from Vietnam. Seeing this letter that was written to him months after he came back made him swallow a huge lump of regret in his throat.

Hi,

I'm sure you're probably surprised to be reading this. I know it's been awhile since we've talked, but I just wanted to catch up with you.

I got into Princeton! I guess I should really be thanking you. If it wasn't for you, I'd probably still be getting C's in French, and like you said, the ivy leagues would not have thought well of me about that. It's been nice so far. I'm making a lot of friends. I think you would really like my roommate Abby. I could see you two getting along. She's kind of wild, but hilarious.

I am taking a lot of Political Science classes. Mom and Cyrus are real happy about that. The lawyer in Cyrus and the activist in my mom have definitely rubbed off on me over the past couple of years.

Sorry, I know this letter is out of the blue, and I feel like I'm just rambling in this letter now. I really am writing this because honestly, I just miss you. I miss driving with you. I miss playing fetch with Louie with you. I miss hanging out in the tree house with you. I miss you more than any words or examples could describe. And I know it's been years since we talked, but I feel like I just need to know if you've missed me also?

The truth is Fitz, I love you. And I know that you and Mellie have brushed it off as nothing more than a childhood crush, but I don't know if it can be called that anymore. I've thought about you like crazy from the moment you came up to my door with your paint can asking if my parents were home. I've tried to push past it, I've tried really hard, but even after you left, I still can't stop thinking about you. No matter how hard I try, I don't know if I can ever stop loving you, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III.

You don't actually have to respond to this, and I'm not expecting you to. I just needed to get it off of my chest for my own good, because I don't think I'll be able to go on without getting this out there. And I know that at this point, moving on seems to be the only step.

I'm sorry to be putting you in this position, I really am. I don't want to make this weird – though I'm sure I already did. I just had to let you know how I feel about you for my own sake. Maybe in the slightest chance, our paths will somehow cross again.

I hope you've been doing well and taking care of yourself, Fitz. I will care for you always.

Love,

Livvie.

Fitz put the letter down on the desk. She wrote him while she was in college. She tried to tell him how she felt over six years. But she couldn't send it, because he had gone off the grid with everyone from his hometown, Olivia included. He read over the letter again, looking intensely at the line "I don't know if I can ever stop loving you, Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III." He felt warm butterflies, swimming within his stomach. Was it still true? He would have to ask. He was scared and worried, but also had a feeling of hopefulness and perpetual happiness. And at that moment he realized, that this was the feeling of being in love.

He looked at the clock, it was five minutes past midnight at this point, and he knew that he was going to get an earful from Mellie about missing the big New Years moment, but he let it go. He walked downstairs, trying to figure out how he could get Olivia for a moment alone and profess his feelings to her. With Edison around, it would make things more difficult, but if he could just get five minutes alone with her, he would try.

He walked into the living and froze at the doorway seeing the scene before him. Edison was down on one knee, with Cyrus, James, Mellie, and Marcus looking at Olivia intensely.

"Yes!" Olivia replied with a smile that Fitz thought looked a little forced. Edison hugged Olivia tightly, swirling her in the air and kissing her.

"Haha, put me down," Olivia laughed.

Fitz stepped closer into the room and watched the others gush over her engagement ring and dream out loud about different wedding ideas for the next ten minutes.

"Come on, Olivia. We have to go call my parents and tell them the news," Edison said, pulling Olivia away from the crowd. For just a single moment, Fitz managed to make eye contact with Olivia. If only eyes in a single moment could do all the talking for him.

"Well it's getting pretty late," James observed. "I should probably get home before all the drunk drivers come out."

"I'll walk you out," Cyrus added, following James out of the house.

Marcus and Mellie looked over at Fitz's direction. He caught them staring and knew he must have been looking pathetic at this moment.

"What?" Fitz asked in a low growl, not wanting either to actually respond.

"Nothing," Mellie said in a calm and sincere voice, "I'm just curious as to how long you intend to stay unhappy before you do something about it?"

Fitz didn't reply to the rhetoric comment, but the answer was he'd do something about it tonight.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter for the beginning of Part III. I'll try to get the next chapter out soon, since I don't want to leave it on too much of a cliffhanger - because in the next chapter right away we'll Fitz is serious when he said he's doing something about it tonight.