Chapter 48: All for One and Therapy for All

It had been a few days since Emily and Hotch talked, verbally talked at least. Texts were exchanged, but that was the extent of it. It was unusual for them, and, if they were really examining things, they would have seen that it was giving them a bit of withdrawal.

Jessica told Emily that they were creating habits, and each of them was relying on the other to help parent and just talk things through. In some ways, since Emily had come back, Hotch had taken over the role of best friend for her as she did for him.

Emily found it ironic that the one non-profiler in their group who wasn't really a part of their group at all, was the one to point this all out… But maybe Jessica was the only one that felt compelled to step in and point it out because her familial role was being threatened and she felt Emily was getting too deeply engrained in Jack's life. No one else had that same connection, so they were more likely to just let it play out. Emily didn't know, but she was starting to question whether she and Hotch were the only ones that were oblivious to how deeply tied to each other they had become.

It had been four days since the party, and they missed each other. They missed the support. They missed having someone so close by to just commiserate with. They just missed each other.

"Are you ok?"

"What?" Emily asked, James' voice pulling her from her daze.

"I asked if you were ok. You look like you're in space."

"I'm fine."

"Are you nervous for our first session?"

"Not really," she stated.

Oddly enough, she was looking forward to it. Nate was having his first therapy session and they were having theirs. They decided to do a few just the two of them before bringing in Nate. Believing it could actually help, she was anxious to start.

"You know I was never a fan of therapy."

"I know, but it has helped you, hasn't it?"

"Yes, and I know this is important."

"This is what we need to function as parents and to make Nate comfortable with our situation. We're doing it for him, but also to better ourselves."

Therapy wasn't her idea of a good time either, but it was what they needed to move forward. That was why she suggested it and was giving it a chance. She just wanted peace. That was all, and she hoped this would help them achieve it.

"Emily," the receptionist called. "Dr. Mangrove is ready for you both. Head on in."

Emily stood and held out a hand for James.

"Ready?" she asked him.

"Ready," he said.

They walked in, closing the door behind them, and the session officially began. It was mostly a get to know you session. Dr. Mangrove introduced herself and asked a few basic questions to understand who they were and what they were hoping would happen there.

"Now Emily, you've mentioned a little about your unconventional situation on the phone, but I'd like to go into that more before we talk about what you're both hoping to get from these sessions. I've heard your perspective, Emily, so let's hear James' point of view."

"Ok," they agreed.

"Emily and I were best friends in high school," James started. "We're going that far back, right?"

"It's your story. Start wherever you'd like."

He nodded and continued. It was a crazy story, but it wasn't much different from the way Emily explained it, at least not until they got to the estrangement.

"Focus on that. Why did you feel it was necessary to break all contact with Emily?" Dr. Mangrove asked.

"It wasn't all contact… I still wrote to her and we talked once or twice."

Emily rolled her eyes.

"I guess we felt threatened. Vince and I felt threatened."

"What you mean is Vince wanted me gone and you didn't care enough to try to reason with him," Emily interrupted.

"It felt like I was forced to choose between my partner and my friend, Emily. It wasn't a good situation for me either."

"Maybe not, but you got to live the happily ever after and I got pain and yearning and wondering what I did wrong."

"It wasn't all about you, Emily. We had Nate to think about."

"And you think Nate was better off without me in his life… Ever, if Vince had his way?"

"That's not what I said," James yelled. "I'm just saying that I was hurt too. I lost my best friend."

"You lost me long before that. We just didn't know it then."

Mangrove stepped in. This session was just to approach the major topics without totally jumping in. She needed to get a sense of all that pained their relationship to help them rebuild it.

"Let's take a step back," she told her clients. "This is, clearly, a sensitive topic. I'd like you both to use the time between now and the next session to try looking at this from the other's point of view. You both experienced something different and had been hurt in different ways. Perhaps understanding that will improve how you deal with each other and look at this pivotal moment in your relationship."

Emily shrugged, and James agreed, but neither were looking at each other.

"As we approach the end of this session, I'd like to ask you both some questions. Are you up to that?" Mangrove asked, noting the high tension.

They both said they could handle it.

"Ok. James let's start with you. If you could get only one thing out of these sessions, what would it be?"

"I guess I… I want to stop resenting Emily for being a good parent because I know I shouldn't, but it feels like I can't help it."

"Is there anything else you hope to get out of this?"

"I want us to be friends again. I want us to get past all that has happened."

"And Emily, how do you feel about what he said?"

"How should I feel? It's no secret he resents me. In his mind, I'm the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. It is what it is," Emily responded. "He blames me for Vince's death. He blames me for his living. He's upset because Nate loves me. No matter what I do, it's a problem for him. It's not just about the point where he cut ties with me. It's about so much more now."

"So, what would you like to get out of these sessions?"

"I'd like to stop hating James for everything he took from me and for who his choices led me to become. I want to let go of that hate and get to a point where the littlest things don't set us off."

"You hate me?" James asked, the weight of the word hitting him.

She met his gaze. "Almost everyday since you left with Nate. Maybe before then," she honestly answered. "I've denied it for years. I pushed it so far into the recesses of my mind that I could almost forget it was there and function, but yes, James. You have made me hate you, and that was something I never thought I would say. But you were my friend… and you hurt me more than anyone else ever had. That's saying a lot, because I've been hurt many times. Maybe it's not hate. Maybe it's just that line between love and hate. Maybe I love you, but dislike you. All I know is that there are years of hurt between us."

There was a sadness swirling around the old friends that wasn't going to disappear any time soon.

"It's clear that we have some work to do. I know you wanted to include your son –"

"Nate," Emily said.

"Yes, Nate – in these sessions. I think that would be beneficial down the line, but I would like a few more meetings with just the three of us to work out some of the hostility before we bring him in."

"I think that's best," Emily agreed. "We don't want to fight in front of Nate. That's the whole reason we're doing this. James is working on handling his emotions in private therapy, but we need to improve our relationship to better co-parent Nate."

"How long do you think that will be?" James asked.

"We can't put a set timeline on these things. We'll create a schedule that works for your family and revisit bringing Nate in after we make some progress."

"Alright."

"Ok," Dr. Mangrove said. "This seems like a good place to end the session. In addition to trying to look at the same situation from the other's point of view, I'd like you to come up with a list for next time with 5 positive and 5 negative qualities or attributes about each other. I know no one wants to do homework, but this will help facilitate our sessions and allow the growth to happen."

They didn't argue. Instead, they thanked Dr. Mangrove and set up their next appointment. They moved into the lobby where they sat quietly and waited for Nate to be done with his session.

Their son met Dr. Garland with his parents there. They helped him get comfortable and feel like he was in a safe place before they left the two alone. When the parents were gone, Nate wasn't an open book. He was nervous. While his parents assured him there was nothing to worry about and that they were just giving him someone he could talk to about anything, he still didn't feel like he needed that. He let the doctor know that too.

"I don't think I need to talk to you. I can talk to my mom whenever I want."

"What about your dad? Can you talk to him too?" Dr. Garland asked.

Nate shrugged. "I guess."

"You don't think so?"

"Sometimes. I have a good Dad."

"Of course you do," Garland agreed. "No one is saying otherwise, Nate. We're just talking." He did, however, make note of the boy's defensiveness.

"Ok… Well, I can talk to my dad about mostly anything."

"That's really good, Nate. Talking is important. What kinds of things do you talk about?"

"School, sports, my friends, and that kind of stuff."

Dr. Garland asked Nate about those things, getting the boy more comfortable and starting a more relaxed, naturally flowing conversation.

"Seems like you talk about a lot with him."

"I do… But not about my mom or my other dad."

"Why not?"

"Talking about my other dad makes Dad upset. Because he died and my dad was really hurt. I even broke my arm."

"That's scary."

"It was, but my mom protected me. Only… I didn't know she was my mom then."

"That's a new development in your life. How are you liking having a mom?"

"I love it. I love my mom. I still miss my dad, though."

"Losing a parent is hard."

"Yeah."

Garland asked Nate to talk about his father if he was comfortable. That slowly led back into how James didn't like talking about Vince too much because it made him sad.

"Does it make you sad to talk about him?"

"Sometimes," Nate said. "But sometimes it makes me happy, too. I like to think about how he would play with me all the time and when I was scared, he would sleep in my bed with me to keep me company."

"Sounds like he was a good dad."

"Yeah. I love him. I love all my parents."

Dr. Garland smiled. He saw a lot of children, some who didn't feel that way, some who didn't feel loved at all, and some who went through unimaginable trauma. Nate, from what he could gather, went through some traumatic events, he lost people he loved, but he gained a whole lot too.

"How did you feel learning about your mother?"

"I don't know. Weird, I guess. At first," he clarified. "I never had a mom, but Emily took care of me when the bad guys came, and she made me feel safe. She did everything a mom and dad is supposed to and, I think, I kind of felt like she was my mom even before I knew."

"You knew she loved you because of how she took care of you," Garland surmised.

"Yeah. She kept me safe even when she got hurt. My dad was gone, my other dad was in the hospital, and she was hurt too, but she didn't leave me. She promised she won't ever leave me."

"Are you afraid of people leaving?"

"No… Yes… I don't know."

"Ok. That's ok. Can you tell me what happened when your parents were hurt?"

"Mom and I were in a car crash. I broke my arm and some guy attacked her."

"That must have been scary."

"I was scared, but she made sure I was ok. I just didn't want her to be hurt anymore. She needed surgery, you know."

"I didn't know that. Was that right away?"

"No. Mom took me back to America. Her knee was hurt, my dad was in the hospital somewhere far away, but she said this is where we'd be safe."

"Did you feel safe?"

"Mostly. I got to meet her family, my new family, and I got to play with new friends. I'd never had real friends before so that was cool."

"Sounds like a lot of change."

"I guess. I wasn't really scared for me," Nate said. "Even before I knew she was my mom, Emily did everything to keep me safe and I just… I don't want her to go anywhere."

"Where would she go?"

"I was afraid if she went back to work with Hotch and JJ and Penelope and Spencer and everyone that she could get hurt again. Catching bad guys is dangerous."

"You're afraid she'd pass away like your dad."

Nate nodded and looked away.

"It's ok to feel that way. You've been through a lot in your few years. It's normal to worry about people you love."

"I just… I don't want to lose them too. I don't want either of them to go away. None of them. But my parents always fight. Mom tries really hard not to, but sometimes Dad is so mean to her. I know sometimes he can't help it, but it's not fair. He's going to make her go away again. I don't want that. I want them both. And I want Hotch and Jack too. I want all of them."

"I believe that's why your parents are doing their own counseling. They want to get along better to make things easier and happier for you."

"I am happy. I know they do their best," Nate said. "I just wish…"

"What? What do you wish?"

"I wish they could both be ok and happy too."

"I think they're trying to be, and, as long as you're happy, they will be too."

That ended their first official session. Dr. Garland was impressed by how easily they communicated. Nate was, for a boy that was socially isolated, very good at opening up with him. He wasn't awkward, though, Dr. Garland was also aware that it could be situational. In one session, he felt that he had a good sense of what was happening with Nate. The boy's deep-seated familial insecurities and stress over potential loss and danger stemmed from very obvious triggers. He was optimistic that he could help Nate feel a little more secure and, thus, allow his clinginess to deplete as he became more confident in his environment.

That was exactly what he told James and Emily. Dr. Garland refused to tell them what he and Nate talked about, which they expected. It was a given that, unless it was life threatening or there was some danger/problem that required medicine or their help in treatment, what they talked about would remain confidential.

"You've got a good kid there," Dr. Garland told the parents. "I wouldn't worry about him too much."

That seemed impossible, but they were happy to hear it.

The plan for their therapy was to schedule it for every Tuesday for the next three weeks. After that, they would determine if Nate needed any further individual sessions and if it was time to start bringing him in to the family sessions. It was a solid plan and, despite the elevated emotions that occurred in the family session, Emily and James decided to leave everything that was said in that room until they had time to think about it. It was better not to just react and carry it with them. They needed to let it simmer for a while. A healthy simmer.

They also agreed that, assuming therapy would bring up a lot of emotion and pain between them, they would keep contact minimal until they were in a better place. They would interact normally, speak when they needed, but nothing beyond because they knew things would get worse before they got better, and they didn't want to have a collision while Nate was around.

It was fine, and it gave them some time to work on their assignments. They each knew their own perspective, but couldn't grasp the other's through their own pain. For Emily, she was hurt by James. Vince was a friend by association, but she considered James family. She saw her best friend use her to get what he and his partner wanted and then abandon her, taking a piece of her heart with them. She saw a man willing to sacrifice his morals, friendship, and life for a liar. Vince may have turned out to be a good father, but he wasn't the best person. His choices impacted her life. It led her down a path that could have ended a lot darker if she let it. Her naivety and her friend's eagerness made her jump in, but they went into it too blindly, too ignorant to facts. It was a problem. She was a fool. She repressed a lot of feelings and survived, but it took its toll.

James saw things differently. He fell in love with Vince before knowing exactly who he was. Then it was too late. He loved him and he couldn't stop. Emily was always supportive… Happy for him. Then Nate was born and Vince felt threatened by Emily's involvement. He had to side with Vince. Maybe a part of him felt threatened too. Emily wasn't meant to be Nate's mom, and being his mom was the one thing neither father could be. Then they ran. He and Vince travelled around and moved from place to place with Nate. He did what he could to offer Emily something, but he always knew it wasn't enough.

Their life wasn't ideal, but they were happy. They did everything together. Then the Bardolino threat reared its ugly head. Their past caught up to them and he reached out to the one person he knew could and would help. Emily. Then nothing was the same. Vince died, James was injured and woke up pained with grief and injuries that altered who he was. He had no control over his life anymore. One minute they were fine and happy, Emily included. Then it was all gone. It wasn't a conscious choice, but the timing allowed for the connection to be drawn. Emily came back into their life and Vince was taken. Life changed. She was tied to those events, and all he knew was that he was an out of control, different person with a son who preferred his mother. Life was spiraling.

Neither of them was at the point where they understood the other yet. It would take time.

The time apart also made things a little lonelier for both. It didn't help that Emily still wasn't really talking with Hotch. Emily didn't know what to do about Hotch, and the same could be said for Hotch about her. But their paths were doomed to cross eventually. Two people who shared so much personal space were bound to fail at minimal contact.

The team lucked out. For the week, most of their caseload was just consults except for one local case that called for their presence. It kept them close to their family and friends, which was always a bonus. They all couldn't help but notice that their unit chief had been a bit… off since his son's party.

It was hard to hide things from profilers, especially when it was making him frustrated.

"What's on your mind, Hotch?" Derek finally gave in and asked.

"What?"

"Hotch, man, come on. You've had something up your ass all week. The whole team has noticed. You've barely come out of this office and everything is setting you off. I thought it was my job to be hot headed."

"I haven't been –" The look on Derek's face stopped him from continuing. "Ok. I apologize. I have had something that has been bothering me, but it's nothing to worry about. I'm taking care of it."

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"I can sic Rossi on you, you know."

Hotch rose an eyebrow. "Morgan, I think we're done here. I apologize, and I will apologize to the rest of the team as well, but I don't want to talk about it now."

"Alright. I get it, but whatever's eating you, deal with it."

"Yes, boss," Hotch joked.

When Derek shared the encounter with the team, Dave felt compelled to follow up. He sensed something fishy with two of his friends the moment they emerged from that basement, and it was time to get to the bottom of it. Though, work wasn't the best place to do that.

It was time to scheme because he was sure something was up, and he wanted to test his theory. He recruited JJ for the plan thinking she might know something. He knew Penelope was involved somehow, but decided it was best not to tap that source just yet.

Anyhow, it was time for a family game night at Casa de Rossi.

"I'll get in touch with Emily tonight," Dave told JJ as they wrapped up their planning. "Hopefully this weekend works."

"Hopefully," JJ agreed. "I don't know how much longer I can deal with two mopey friends."

Hotch and Emily, of course, would argue that they weren't mopey. They weren't. They were just contemplating and confused. Maybe that came off as mopey, but neither was well-equipped for their situation. Hotch had been married for years, and all other relationships he had, mainly Beth and a date here or there wasn't great experience for dealing with weird friend entanglements. And Emily wasn't fairing any better. Clearly, she hadn't had much luck with relationships. A terrorist, teenage romances that led to points in her life that were real lows for her, dates that were just dates and a scattered boyfriend here or there.

Having confusing feelings for one of your closest friends who happened to be helping you to understand how to parent and navigate this new world… Never been there before. Neither of them had.

It was a mess, but they would still argue that they weren't mopey. Didn't mean they wouldn't be.

But avoidance wasn't the answer. Though, neither knew how to stop it.

Hotch was trying, somewhat. He would text Emily, initiating conversation, and she would text back usually. But his texts were typically kid related, and he never really attempted to call. He could have easily walked to her apartment and met her face to face. Hard to avoid someone then. He couldn't do it. He didn't know why she was avoiding him the way she was, but if this was all about the kiss, then he got all the answer he needed. He didn't need to think on it or his feelings when she was making hers clear.

Problem was that wasn't her reason for avoiding. Really, it was fear. Fear was a real problem for both, and they weren't handling it well. She was afraid that whatever choices they made for their own lives would end up hurting the boys. Because of that, her feelings were even more confusing. Her mind and heart were at a disconnect and her gut wasn't giving any input.

Life had plans for them, though, life and their friends. Life just happened to intervene first.

Friday was the town league's spring sports sign up. Nate expressed interest in playing baseball and, since Emily, James, and Dr. Garland all agreed that more opportunities for social interaction would be good for him, they were going to sign him up for little league.

Baseball wasn't the only sport doing registration that day which was why Emily decided to go as early as possible hoping Hotch wouldn't be out of work and she could miss him completely rather than be forced to start a conversation she didn't know how to have… or, in actuality, she hadn't figured out how she wanted it to play out yet. Still… hadn't figured it out. Perhaps that bothered her most. There were few things that kept her so befuddled.

Things had to come to a head at some point. Apparently, that was tonight.

Emily dropped Nate off at James' for their weekend early in the hopes that she could beat the registration crowd and rush through it without having Nate tag along. He would want to play and talk, and she wanted it to be an in and out type thing. She scarified the extra hour or two with him, reluctantly, but it was for the best.

Hotch was thinking along the same lines. Jack had plans with his friend for the night, sleeping over at his buddy's. Jack went there straight from school and, once it was clear that they were having a slow day at the office, he decided to just go get the registration done. Jack wanted to play soccer again and he learned it was always easier to do the registration on the first day. The second day was more crowded and way too hectic for his tastes.

When he arrived at the town's recreation center where registration was held, there were a few more cars there than he was anticipating. Still, he knew it'd go quickly. He grabbed his folder full of Jack's information and documents that the city required and headed in.

At first, they didn't notice each other. Hotch went to the left toward the room with the soccer sign. Emily went right to the room marked with the baseball sign. They walked the same hall just seconds apart. In each room, they waited in the line, bored.

Emily, feeling like, despite her confusion and trepidation, she should still be a friend, sent Hotch a text reminder that registration was tonight. Hotch was actually happy that she initiated any communication and replied, "Thanks. I'm already there."

That caused her to stand up a little straighter and look around the room. Logically she knew he wouldn't be in there specifically, but he was around, and that was enough to get her nerves firing.

"It's no big deal," she told herself. "It's just Hotch. You love Hotch. Like! You like Hotch," she corrected, internally hissing. Even her self-talk was jumbled. "What is wrong with me?"

"Ma'am are you ok?"

"What?" she turned to face the person speaking.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. Fine. Sorry," she said, moving forward. She was holding up the line. It was her turn.

She handed over the completed paperwork, the medical records that showed Nate was up to date, and a copy of his birth certificate.

"You're all set," the man told her. "You'll get an email with team assignment and practice and game schedule in the next week. Here's a list of equipment that he'll need." He handed her a folder with several pieces of paper in it. "Just sign that last slip and bring it with you to the first meeting. All the information you'll need is in there."

"Thanks."

Emily offered a kind smile as the man politely dismissed her. She dawdled a bit, unsure whether she should stick around or make a run for it. Ultimately, Hotch had the same question and decided on the former. He wanted to run into her, and it happened.

He was waiting in the hall, checking his phone when he heard the other door open. His eyes immediately drew up. Emily was walking out of the room, eyes glued to her phone, about to walk into a column.

"Careful," he called out, running to her side, getting to her just as she was about to collide.

"Crap," she muttered.

"Emily, you should really watch where you're walking," Hotch said, hand on each of her arms.

"Yeah," she responded, a little dazed. "Thanks."

"You ok?"

"Fine."

She hadn't met his eyes.

"Can you look at me?"

She did.

"It's good to see you… You know, outside of the little picture that comes up on my phone when you text."

"You too…" she said. "I'm sorry about that."

"You've been avoiding me."

"I haven't."

"You have," he insisted.

"I have," she admitted, looking away. "I think you can let go now. I'm ok."

"If I do, are you going to run?"

"I'm not five. I'm not going to run."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes."

He let go, and, true to her word, she didn't run. He relaxed.

Hotch asked, "How've you been?"

"I've been ok. Good. You?"

"I've been well. Kind of confused, though. See, I'm not really sure what I did that caused my friend to practically cut me out of her life."

"Yeah…Well, she's kind of confused too."

"Em," he said, taking a step closer. She took a step back in response. "I'm sorry… If this is about the kiss…"

"It's not," she answered quickly. "Well, not completely."

"Then what is it about?"

"It's about… At the party, Jessica and I talked, and what she said really made sense to me. It got to me… And I think that what we're doing… It's not right. We… No matter what we might feel or what that kiss could have meant… We can't do anything about it."

"What did she say, Emily?"

"I… It's not important. The point is, she was right, and we need to stop spending so much time together. I know I've been a terrible friend, and I shouldn't have avoided you, but… It was what I needed. I'm sorry."

"Can we talk?" he looked around. Other parents were flocking around. "Somewhere private. At home?"

"Is it necessary?"

"Yes. If you really are sorry for avoiding me, then yes."

"Fine. My place in an hour?"

"An hour," he agreed, watching her walk away, her face flushed as the other parents watched them.

He practically ran out with her. They didn't want to be in the league gossip.