Chapter 49: Trouble in Paradise

Emily took her time getting to the apartment. It allowed her to clear her head before they planned to talk. She was still, and probably would continue to be, conflicted. She wanted Hotch in her life and she wanted to be in his, but maybe that was the wrong thing to do. Her heart was saying jump… jump into the relationship, jump into the kiss, jump into more…. But her mind was telling her it was wrong. They worked as they were and more would ruin things.

Anyway, she owed it to him to at least talk with him. It was only fair. He didn't actually do anything wrong. She was just acting immature by avoiding him instead of facing her questions head on.

Hotch was ready. Though, he was curious what exactly Emily was talking about. What did Jessica say to Emily? He was debating whether to just call Jessica and ask her but determined he should wait and hear what Emily had to say first. He really didn't want to be upset with Jessica, but something told him he would be.

He beat her to the building, he noticed, checking the assigned spot for her car. Hoping she was going to be there, he sighed and went to his apartment to put the files away, change, and meet her. Exactly an hour after they agreed to meet, he stood outside her door, ready to knock. One deep breath and then his fist tapped on the door.

"Come in," she yelled, knowing it was him.

"Emily," he called out.

"Kitchen."

He headed on in, finding her pulling plates out of the cabinet.

"Hello again," he said.

"Hi. I got dinner. Thought we could eat… and talk."

"Sounds good," Hotch stated. "Need help?"

"Grab the glasses, please," she replied.

He grabbed the glasses, she grabbed the last of the utensils, and the two sat across from each other at the table. They passed the food around and made their plates like it was any regular dinner, but it wasn't.

"You got my favorite."

"Of course, Hotch. I get my favorite, you get yours, and we always end up sharing. That's how it works."

"Thought maybe you forgot. It has been a while since we sat down to a meal together."

"Not that long," Emily said, rolling her eyes.

"So… Emily…"

"Hotch…"

"Don't do that. Talk to me. What has this week been about? If it really is about the kiss…"

"I told you it wasn't… not completely."

"Then I guess I just don't understand. Above anything else, we're family. Jack and I missed you and Nate. So… I just want to know what's going on and deal with it. If it's about the kiss… We can forget it ever happened if –"

"No," she quickly responded.

"No?"

"I don't want to forget it happened."

"I don't either," he replied, smile on his face. He didn't know what made that moment the moment he chose to kiss her, but something compelled him to do it.

They were skirting the line of domesticity and romance for weeks now, if not longer, and they hadn't realized it. The time they were incommunicado over the last week made him reflect on that, on her.

"I don't want to give you the wrong idea," Emily said, "That kiss was… It was nice… Unexpected but… Yeah… It wasn't… I just… I don't think we should do it again."

"See now… Those two things – a good kiss and never wanting to do it again – very conflicting."

"Don't joke… This is hard enough."

He was smiling. It was funny to see her so uncomfortable in such a familiar and comfortable situation, but it wasn't actually funny. She wasn't saying what he was hoping she would. She wasn't even saying what she wanted. She was thinking too much with logic and ignoring everything else.

"Why does it have to be hard? If…" he cleared his throat. "If the kiss is the problem, meaning I stepped out of line, then I'm sorry. Truly. The last thing I want is for things to be awkward between us. Our whole team has been close for years, but I think our relationship – our friendship – has deepened and become stronger since you came back with Nate."

"It has," she agreed. "You were there for me, and I hope I was there for you even a fraction of that."

"You were. Which brings us here. I don't want to ruin that because of one kiss that we could easily chalk up to the situation if that's what you want. Events made it happen, but it doesn't have to be more…" But maybe he wanted it to? Maybe she did too? That was still up for some debate. "Is that what you want?" he fished.

"I… I don't think it matters what we may or may not want."

That was a non-answer.

"It does. That's what all of this is about. We figure out what we want for us and for our families and we live out life."

"No," she said. "What matters is what we're doing to our boys. Nate and Jack need us to be their parents."

"We are Emily. They aren't involved in what we do personally. At least, they're not directly involved in what we choose to do."

"But aren't they?" she asked. "I mean, no, you're right. They're not involved, involved. Not in the sense that they are in the romance… If there was any. But they are a part of it. The biggest part. I know every decision you make is with Jack in mind. And I do that for Nate too."

"Right. We choose things with their needs and wants in mind, but we are also adults who need to make life decisions based on those needs and our own as well."

"I suppose, yes, but… What are we doing here, Hotch?"

"Talking?" he said, confused.

She shook her head. "You know what I'm asking. These past few months, you've helped me create a home and life for Nate. Along the way, we've come to rely on each other. In some ways, we've been co-parenting. Nate knows he can go to you and Jack knows he can come to me."

"I don't see the problem with that. Both of our kids have a handful of people other than their parents to love them and provide a little extra support. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, in theory."

"In reality?"

"Is it fair for us to do this to them?"

He looked at her waiting for her to continue. He needed her to explain because he didn't get it.

"It has been pointed out to me that we're giving them the wrong idea."

"How's that?"

"Those boys love us… We've made them so comfortable with our arrangement that they tried to set us up when they thought I was dating someone else."

"That was a bad choice on their part, but we both talked to them and they understand that they can't get involved like that again."

"But the point was that they felt threatened. We created a situation for them where any outsider feels like a threat to their stability. I count on you to work through decisions I need to make, and I think you count on me too."

"I do."

"Well, they know that. We've set up a stable family unit for them. Hell, we lived together and now we live in the same building. It's like… It has been like… like we've been together. To them, at least."

"Ok…" He wasn't going to argue that. It was true.

"You don't see a problem with that?"

"No. I don't. Jack hasn't had a mother in his life for years now. While you're not his mother, you have been there for him and taken on a maternal role for him lately. Maybe we didn't intend for that, but it's certainly not hurting him. I couldn't have asked for a more caring and nurturing person to be there for him. I may have taken that paternal role on for Nate while James was in recovery. We gave them what they needed. I see nothing wrong with any of it."

"Ok then, hypothetically speaking, we continue on like this. Ignoring the kiss, ignoring what that could mean, we just go on exactly as we have been…"

"Friends you mean?"

"Friends, but more… Then one day, you meet a nice woman, date her, decide to marry her. Then what?"

"Then I'm married," he plainly stated.

"Hotch…" she admonished.

"Just say your point, Emily."

"Ok… You'd be married, and the entire foundation would crack and shift for both our boys. The same thing if it was me and some guy."

"We are their foundation, no matter who else comes in our lives."

He also didn't want to think about her marrying someone.

"You know that's not true. Do you honestly think that any woman would be ok with another woman in her husband's life that isn't her stepchild's mother?"

"She would know what she's getting in to."

"Hotch, I know I haven't been married before, but I am a woman, and, let me tell you, whether prone to jealousy or not, no woman wants her man to be involved with another woman like that. Not at all."

"Fine. I guess no man really wants that either but being with someone else doesn't completely change our friendship and the situation we set up."

"It does. You know it does. It's not fair for us to put them in that predicament, not the boys or any significant others. We have lives, and I don't want them to lose out on having both of us, but we can't keep being so interconnected because there's going to come a point when we can't be anymore, and I don't want it to be a shock for them."

"I understand what you're saying Emily, but this is all hypothetical, and, presumably, they'd be old enough to realize that just because new people are coming into our lives doesn't mean that we aren't still a part of theirs."

"It's more than that."

"Then tell me."

"We're sending them signals," she said. "We're telling the boys that we're a family and that we could be a family. We're giving them this false sense of reality that could be shattered at any moment. That's… I've realized the four of us spend just about as much time together as we do apart, and that includes sleeping hours."

"You don't like spending time with us?" Hotch asked, hurt.

"I love it," she quickly responded. "But I'm thinking about the future and how things will change, and I don't know how they'll react or how I'll react and… And it's best that we figure that out now, slowly introduce the change, than have to deal with a big fallout or letdown in the future."

Hotch ran his hand through his hair. "Emily… What you're saying has merit, but it also has some issues."

"What issues?"

"We don't live in the future. We don't know what's going to happen, and in a few years, both Jack and Nate are going to be teenagers and want absolutely nothing to do with us. I don't think that's going to be the problem you think it is."

"Maybe."

"And, really, what we need to consider first and foremost is what we want."

"What we want?"

"I don't know where these thoughts came from, Emily or who put it in your head, but our kids are bonded. Whether we personally never talked again, Jack knows he could still go to you and, I imagine he and Nate would still spend just as much time together as they do now. I also hope Nate would be able to come talk to me. So, I don't think we need to worry about that."

But I do, Emily thought.

"So, what I'm saying is that… Well, we need to figure out what we want from each other, and everything else will work itself out."

"I wish I was so sure of that…"

"Are you unsure of what you want?" he asked.

"Are you sure of what you want?" she offered in rebuttal.

"No… But I do know that it was a good kiss and I felt something," he answered honestly.

She felt it too.

"Why did you kiss me?" she asked. "Was it because you wanted to, or was it just the situation that our sons created?"

"I don't know."

"Had you thought about it before?"

He countered, "Have you?"

"I… Yes. I thought about it," she answered, blushing. "I thought about what it would be like to…" she didn't finish the thought. "I thought about it."

"Me too."

"But did you mean it in that moment or was it just a reaction?"

"Are you asking if I regret it?"

"Do you?"

"I do if it ruins our friendship."

"It's not going to…"

"Sure feels like it has, Emily. You've been avoiding me."

"I've been stupid. I needed time to process. I didn't know what to say or how to feel. I still don't. I'm still confused. I'm not good at these things… the personal things. I just… Things don't need to change completely."

"But you want them to change?"

"I think that we need to start separating from each other. We're friends. We're family, but we can't keep being so interconnected. I think it's best that we start setting boundaries between us."

"You can't mean that."

"I do… I have to."

"Why? Why is this suddenly a problem? What has changed?"

"We have, Hotch. Don't you see? We're creating a problem. We're sending signals to the world that we're taken, sending mixed signals to the boys that we will always be this way. It's a mess, and we can't do that to them."

Hotch heard what she was saying but could also tell that she didn't completely believe it.

She didn't. She was conflicted with what she was saying. It made sense, but it didn't feel right. Nothing about this felt right. Damn Jessica, she thought. Thanks a lot for pointing out something that didn't need pointing out.

"Where did this come from? Was it Jessica? Did she say something about us at Jack's party?"

"It doesn't matter where it came from. There is no us, Hotch. There can't be. At least not unless we're sure. We both admitted that we're not. It doesn't matter if we want it, we can't have it. It's not fair if we even try. That's something that we need to accept."

Her words were a bit hurried, as if she needed to get them out quickly as not to change her mind. She was unsure about all of it, but she was steadfast in her belief that she needed to put this out there. What Jessica said wasn't wrong, and they had to make changes if they didn't want to confuse and hurt the boys unintentionally later.

They needed to be sure they wanted to take the step if they were ever to take it. Right now they weren't.

Hotch tried to reason with her and tried to understand her point of view a little better, but he was more confused now than when the conversation started. Emily made it clear that she didn't want their friendship to change, but she was drawing lines in the sand that did just that. The boys could spend time together, she said, but they had to limit their dinners together. They had become an almost daily thing and she said that it would be better to make it once or twice a week.

"They're not going to be happy about that."

"We're the parents Hotch."

"Yes, and they're best friends. Seems a shame that we're trying to separate them."

"That's not what we're doing."

"Isn't it though?" Hotch stood up. He heard enough and didn't want to put any more restrictions on their sons' friendship or their lives. "I think I'm going to head home. Thanks for dinner, Emily."

He didn't offer to stay and clean up like he normally would. He didn't hug her goodbye. He didn't even wave. He simply took off, leaving a hurt Emily behind. Of course, the mess was of her making, but that didn't make it any easier for her or him.

Hotch, naturally, was upset. The conversation was not at all what he expected, not that he knew what to expect. He didn't, he just knew what he didn't expect. Did he want to date Emily? Maybe. He wasn't sure. Sure, he found her attractive and they got on well, but there were a lot of risks involved that could potentially damage their friendship if things went wrong. There was evidence of that already. Still, they did kiss, and he wanted the two of them to be able to talk as adults and discuss their feelings, whatever they may have been.

They could have explored what it meant together. A part of him understood her fear. Motherhood was new to her and she was worried she'd hurt Nate or the boys. He just wished he could have communicated better how they could've avoided that.

Something changed. Something changed other than the kiss, and he was sure now that it had something to do with Jessica and whatever they talked about. It had to be that because he knew Emily, and he knew that if it was just about the kiss and she had a problem with his overture, she would have had no problem telling him.

So he confronted Jessica.

As soon as he got to his apartment, he called her up and asked what she said to Emily.

"What did she tell you?" Jessica asked.

"Nothing. That's why I'm asking you."

"I only said what I thought she needed to hear."

"What did you say Jessica?"

"Aaron, why is it a big deal? We're two women who had a conversation. It's none of your business what was said."

"It is when it affects my life. What did you say to her?"

Hotch became frustrated when she reiterated the conversation between her and Emily. It wasn't that what she said was particularly rude or bad, but that it was none of her business and she hit on some of Emily's insecurities. Hearing Jessica tell her side after hearing what Emily said when they talked, he could see how Emily absorbed all Jessica said. She fed into Emily's fears and it wasn't ok with him. Not to mention, Jessica said that she brought up Haley and someone taking over the mother role. While he understood where she was coming from with that, it was up to him to decide who might take that role and how that happened. Not her…

"Why did you have to say anything, Jessica? Emily is a good woman. Jack and I would be lucky to have her in our lives in whatever capacity. You know that, too. Why bring it up? Why bring any of that up?"

"I was upset with the situation, Aaron. I'm sorry," she said. "Look. I just thought she needed to hear it. She was sending out clear signs. I saw one of the other parents throw himself at her and she didn't even realize it was happening. I didn't want her to give you or Jack the wrong idea, and I didn't want her to miss out on things because she was so wrapped up in whatever is going on with you two."

"I can handle myself and I'd hope you would trust me enough to believe I'd take care of my son, Jessica."

"I do."

"Then stay out of my business."

"You really do like her, don't you?"

"Stay out of it, Jessica. You don't get to make life choices for me, and if you feel like you have to say something about my relationships or the way I choose to raise my son, say it to me, not to my friends. I have to go."

He hung up, still fuming, though now less at Jessica and just more pent up emotion transformed into anger and frustration. Jessica was being Haley's sister, sticking her nose in his business for Jack's sake, but she didn't need to. She had never done it quite like that before, and she always trusted him to raise Jack right. He had to wonder why it was different this time.

The point was, she interfered and now Emily was trying to change everything in ways that he didn't agree with. She was scared, he could see, and that wasn't something often associated with Emily. She's just being a protective mother, he thought, overprotective. He worried about what it all meant.

Talking to her clearly wasn't going to work right now, so he decided he'd play along. He didn't think she'd like the outcome any more than he would. It was his turn to stay away and give her what she wanted. He just wished he knew what she was truly feeling.

For both, it was a long, lonely rest of the night. Emily cleaned up the apartment and did some angry grading. She was sure she was a little too harsh and some of her students would complain, but her work was done by the time she went to bed.

Hotch busied himself with overdue laundry and repacking his go bag.

They made it through the night, but it wasn't easy. They had a lot on their minds, and that didn't disappear. Hotch thought about asking Emily if she wanted a ride to Rossi's. He knew she was going. Emily thought about asking him the same thing.

Neither did.

Instead they drove separately, Emily arriving last of the bunch, Hotch first. The game night was already a cocktail hour in by the time Emily arrived apologizing profusely.

"I'm sorry I'm late guys. I had to stop and drop something off for Nate," she lied. "But I'm here now, and by the looks of those glasses, I have a little catching up to do."

"Welcome," Dave said. "What can I get you?"

"Surprise me," she said, thanking him and taking a seat between JJ and Penelope, immediately jumping into conversation with the group.

Hotch, she noticed, got up and followed Dave out as soon as she sat down. She tried not to think of it too much. Instead, she threw herself into the group, engaging and asking questions, putting the attention on them, and listening intently.

"Where's Will?" Emily asked JJ.

"Oh, he's at home with the kids. He had to work most nights this week, so he didn't get to see much of them and wanted to spend some alone time with them."

"That's nice. We should get together some time. I know Nate would like to spend some time with Henry."

"That would be great. Maybe Jack would like to come too," JJ threw out there, watching Emily's reaction. "And Hotch."

"Yeah… Absolutely," Emily agreed, her tone not betraying the emotion she was concealing. She was hoping to limit their interactions, but the team didn't know that.

"We'll set that up," JJ said, not allowing Emily to wiggle out of it.

They continued talking until Hotch and Dave returned. Dave handed Emily her glass.

"Drink up," he said. "Then the games can begin."

Their game nights had one of two paths. If the kids were around, it was board games, scrabble, charades, and Pictionary. When they weren't around, it was a completely different game of charades for a few rounds, free flowing alcohol, and then poker night. That night was adults only. Rossi game night was just an excuse to gamble, gossip, and grub. It didn't hurt that Dave's cooking was hard not to like and always around in abundance. It was gluttonous, but it was always fun.

The first round of charades was won by the girls. They easily took over the category and breezed through their cards. Deciding to switch it up, everyone randomly paired up by drawing a name out of a hat. Spencer got Penelope who insisted that Dave also be on their team because, for all his smarts, Spencer was a terrible charades player, JJ got Derek, and that left Emily and Hotch… Coincidence or not, they would never know.

Emily and Hotch won each round. That wasn't exactly surprising. They were both competitive, though not sore losers. Still, it was surprising because they weren't really trying. They were barely putting in any effort and barely interacting with each other. That was clear to everyone else, who often shared looks while it was their turn.

"Why don't we move along to poker?" Dave suggested. "I'm tired of losing to those two."

"Poker, yes please," Emily said.

"Maybe we should pick a game that doesn't give Spence and Emily an unfair advantage," JJ moaned.

"I'm better than Emily at poker," Spencer said. "I can count cards."

"Which is why we change decks every two hands, Spence. And she has still beaten you before, so don't go tooting your own horn too loudly boy genius," Penelope responded.

"She's right. Can we play something the rest of us have a chance at winning for once?" Derek agreed.

"Let's think on games over some food. I made desserts. Everyone to the kitchen," Dave directed.

"Oh," Emily perked. "Did you make any of those little chocolate things that I like so much?"

"Of course."

"Dibbs…. On all of them," Emily said.

"No way," Spencer replied, running ahead. "Those are my favorite too."

Everyone started heading toward the kitchen, but as Emily was making her way there, a hand grasped her arm and stopped her.

"Pen? What's up?" Emily asked.

"Just wanted to see how you were. You look a little…"

"A little what?"

"Off."

"Wow, thanks," Emily snarked.

"You and Hotch were a little… weird. What's going on with that?" Penelope cut right to the chase.

Emily narrowed her eyes. "You mean after you conspired to get us together?"

Penelope gasped and feigned shock. "How dare you? I'd never…"

"Never not do that?" Emily countered. Not waiting for an answer, Emily continued, "I thought you wanted me to go out with Scott. Why bring Hotch into it?"

"Well, it wasn't so much that I wanted you with Scott, though he'd be a fine choice. I just wanted you to have some fun, find someone that could make you happy… warm your bed."

"First of all, I don't need a man to make me happy, and my bed doesn't need warming."

"Doesn't it though?"

"No… Maybe." She'd admit that sometimes she felt lonely. Not so much in the past few months because her days and nights were full of Nate, work, and Hotchner boys, but she still wanted that companionship like most people do. "I'll make you a deal."

"I'm listening," Penelope perked.

"If you don't conspire with my kid or set me up on any blind dates, I will keep the dating profile and go on at least one date… of my choosing."

"Really?!"

"Yes."

"Oh this makes me giddy with excitement."

"I can see that."

"You've finally given in to my powers… But wait…" she stopped her celebration. "What does that mean for Hotch?"

"What do you mean what does it mean?"

"Didn't you guys have a good time? I was sure you would. I helped the boys set up one hell of an event. You had to have a nice date."

"It wasn't a date, Pen. It was another set up. It made things awkward between Hotch and I. He doesn't have feelings for me, and I don't have any for him."

"Well you two have been awkward, I agree, but that last part's a lie if I've ever heard one."

"What?"

"Even if not romantic, you two have feelings for each other. It's clear to everyone that something happened on that non-date," she added air quotes. "You've both been awkward since. I mean, I don't know how you were an undercover superspy. For two people who know how to keep secrets like champs and can compartmentalize like your life depended on it, you sure can't hide that there's something happening."

"There's not."

"There is," she insisted. "And now I'm guessing that the bigger problem is that the two of you are both blind idiots."

"Excuse me?"

"Date if you want to. That would make me happy because you're finally doing something for yourself and getting out there. But don't lie to yourself or use this as an excuse to ignore things. You and Hotch feel things, but choose not to talk about it. Don't make this a game of cat and mouse."

"What?" Emily asked again. This conversation took a turn she was not expecting. "There's no game."

"I think teaching has dulled your spidey senses," Penelope grumbled.

"Really?" Emily skeptically asked. "Pen… Come on."

"Really. Em, use your head."

Penelope huffed away, facepalming and muttering about her hard work going to waste and disappointed little boys. Emily called after her, but Penelope didn't respond. Based on what she learned from Jack and Nate and from her brief cyber communication with Scott, it was clear to her that Emily spent a lot of time thinking about and talking about Hotch and Jack.

Those two idiots were the only ones who didn't see it… Or maybe Emily was the only one blind to it.

Hmm, Penelope thought. Maybe it was time for her to play a little double agent.

It was time for her to find Hotch and get his take on things… Then take action… If action was necessary. Now, she thought, how do I get Hotch alone?

A lightbulb went off.

"Hotch?!" she yelled.

He came running.

"What's going on?"

"I have something for you," she said, a wicked smile on her lips.

She was the only one in the group that wasn't a profiler, but she could read a room and she could read her friends well enough to know people's emotions.

Now she had a plan. One she was sure would get Emily's emotions riled up just as much as Hotch's… Then nature would take its course whether that meant happiness for them together, or knowing they'd find it best while apart…