Chapter 53: A Change in Scenery
Emily took off to France almost as soon as they were back in Virginia. Nate went to James' late in the afternoon on the day they returned and since Emily wasn't scheduled any days with him that week after their vacation, Emily decided to book a last-minute flight out.
"I'm coming," she told Val when she called him the night before. "I'm packing now and will be on the first flight out in the morning."
"You will stay with me, yes?"
"I… I was looking for a hotel, but I can. If that is what you want."
"Oui," he said. "Please. I cannot wait to see you, Mon Coeur."
"Me too, Val. Au revoir. I'll call once I land."
"Call before. I'll pick you up."
"Alright."
"I will be counting the moments until I see you."
She sighed, a horrible, horrible feeling of guilt engulfing her body. "Bye."
Almost angrily, she continued packing her bags. She didn't need too much, just enough to get by for a few days. Honestly, she wasn't packing with much care. She just wanted to get out of there. More than that, she needed to get out of there and away from… the kiss and the hurt and… Everything.
The kiss grew deeper. His hand moved to her face. Waves crashing against the coast sounded in their backdrop. The intensity didn't die down.
Not until Michael stretched out in his sleep, his hand smacking them in the face.
A tad out of breath, they stopped, foreheads touching.
"What are we doing?" Emily asked.
Hotch didn't have an answer beyond the obvious.
"I need to put him to bed."
"Wait," he said when she started to get up.
"Come to my room in a few minutes."
He silently nodded and helped her up the rest of the way. He offered to take Michael, but she declined.
"I got it," she said, leaving.
Michael was content in his sleep and went down easily this time. Once he was tucked in, he was down for the count, and Emily had it under good authority that he was a deep sleeper. Emily watched him sleep, his thumb going to his mouth, gently sucking. His wispy blonde hair was a mess, but she loved it. He had that perfect toddler look.
Hotch caught her still next to the crib, looking down at the content child.
"They're precious when they're that peaceful," said Hotch as he walked up beside her.
"Yeah."
"The boys are all sound asleep."
"Good. They had a busy day."
"A fun day," he added.
"Definitely."
She turned to look at him, moving away from Michael. Facing each other, his hands went to her hips, pulling her closer to him. She wrapped his arms around him, hugging him. He kissed the top of her head.
"It's ok," he said.
"Is it? What have we done?"
"I don't know…"
"I'm so tired," she cried.
"We can talk tomorrow."
She nodded into his chest and held on tighter.
"Stay," she whispered.
"If I stay…"
She didn't let him finish. "Stay," she repeated.
"Ok," he whispered back.
They laid there for a while, neither sleeping nor moving. Their bodies lay side by side, arms outstretched and hands grazing each other's, pinkies touching. They didn't talk about what happened, not yet. They didn't speak at all, and they didn't dare move any closer. At some point they fell asleep, bodies on their sides, facing each other, hands still touching.
That was how Emily woke, face only inches from Hotch's. Michael was fussing and aroused her from sleep. Pulling her hand out of Hotch's, she headed over to the crib. It was only 4. They had a few hours before they needed to be up.
"What's up, Michael? Did your dream wake you?"
He wasn't crying or upset, just fussing. When she spoke to him, he gave her the signal for up.
"Ok. But only because you're so cute and we can both use some more sleep," Emily said as she took him into her arms.
She brought him back to bed with her. He laid on top of her and she rubbed gentle circles on his back, quickly getting him comfortable and back to sleep.
Still cradling Michael, Emily scooted down lower in bed. She looked over at sleeping Hotch beside her, and she couldn't help the knot that grew in her gut. It felt like the beginning of something dangerous or the end of something amazing. Neither, in honesty, was sure which route it was taking…
Of course, Emily's last-minute travel plans and angry packing weren't completely centered around her lack of Nate time the coming week or her desperate want to see Val or even her passionate make out with Hotch on vacation.
Though, it was Hotch related.
She needed to get away. He made his choice. Now she had to make hers.
After dropping Nate off with James, Emily returned home. The car ride from North Carolina was long and she had a lot on her mind. She needed to unpack and get things ready to go into the laundry. Vacations were great, but now it felt like she needed a vacation from her vacation.
They had been home for a few restless hours before Emily felt prepared enough to go talk with Hotch. They agreed that they would meet up that night and discuss things. It made for an anxious car ride, but they weren't avoiding anything. It felt like they were getting closer to being on the same page.
Of course, nothing was ever easy.
Emily, with a nervous flutter in her chest and an excited beat running through her body, grabbed a bag from the table and left her apartment to go to Hotch's. Jack was there, so she knew their talk wouldn't be deep and open until he was in bed, but she wanted to head over anyway. She didn't want to put it off. She wanted to talk to him. There were things they both needed to figure out together.
The nerves were truly alight when she reached the door. With a gentle hand, she knocked.
Jack answered.
"Hi Emily. Come in."
"Thanks Jack." She passed him the bag. "Here. Nate had these in his bag, but I think they're yours."
He opened it and peeked inside. "Yup. These are mine. Thanks. I was looking for them."
"No problem. Where's your dad?" she asked.
"Oh, he's outside in the patio area with Robin."
That caught Emily by surprise. Robin was there? She guessed that made sense.
"Ugh… How long has she been here?"
"Almost since we've been back."
"Oh-kay. Great. Ugh…"
The door opened behind them. Robin came in all smiley and happy.
"Oh, hi Emily."
"Hi Robin," she said, voice barely concealing her mixed feelings.
"What are you doing here?"
Quickly, Emily answered, "Just dropping off some of Jack's stuff that I found in Nate's bag. That's all."
"Alright. Thanks," Robin just ignored everything about her presence. "I'm just getting some drinks for Aaron and myself. Is there anything else you needed?"
"Uh… No. That's all."
"Great. Then bye," she said. "I'll tell Aaron you stopped by."
Dejected, Emily replied, "Don't bother. Bye Jack."
"Bye Emily," he said, face curious as she put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed.
He knew he would probably see her again tomorrow, but it felt a lot like she was saying goodbye for a while.
That was all it took. It was clear that either Hotch told Robin about their kiss and they decided it was fine and they would work through it, or he decided to keep it to himself.
It didn't matter which he chose. The point was he didn't even talk to her.
That was all she needed to get back to her apartment and find a flight for the next morning.
"I love last minute deals," she said as she booked.
Though, despite her decision to follow Hotch's lead, Emily was angry. She was fuming… but it made her able to compartmentalize her thoughts and feelings. She had been trying to do it less and less if only for Nate's sake, to teach him that better ways of coping existed.
But it was also a survival mechanism for her. She needed to push away things that she didn't know how to deal with. That was how she kept moving and that was what she had to do then.
Thus came the plans to take Val up on his offer.
She loved France, hadn't been to Bordeaux in some time, and thought, why not?
She didn't hear from Hotch that night. She stupidly expected at least a text. I choose her. Simple. Instead, she got nothing and spent the night awake, on edge, and ready to get the heck out of the US. Her bags were sloppily packed by the middle of the night. She was sure she missed some things and mixed clean and dirty clothes, but she didn't care.
Early the next morning, she called Elizabeth to let her know she'd be away.
"This is sudden," Elizabeth told her.
"Val invited me earlier in the summer, but the opportunity to go hadn't come up because I didn't want to miss any of my days with Nate. I don't have him at all this week, so I thought I'd go."
"So, you and Val are more serious than you let on?"
"I never let on either way. We're… We're getting there."
"Alright. Well, I won't keep you long. I'm sure you have things to get done and have a long flight ahead of you. Please, don't hesitate to call if you need anything and I'll check in on Nate while you're away."
"That would be great, Mom. I really enjoyed our time together in North Carolina."
"Me too," Elizabeth told her. "Are you sure everything is ok? You seem… unsettled."
"I just have a lot on my mind with so much travel, but I'll be fine once I'm on the plane. I'll let you know that I got there safely."
"Please do."
"I should go. Bye Mom."
"Bye Dear. Have a safe and fun trip."
"Thanks. Talk soon."
After, she called Nate and sent out a text to everyone except for Hotch. Heading to France for the week. See you when I get back.
She didn't elaborate or give them any other details. She just sent the message and put her phone on silent after calling for a car.
There was a lot of time to think on the plane. She intended to and tried to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. Instead, she just thought about Hotch and Val and the war between her feelings for the two brewing in her head.
When the plane touched down, she was still as unsettled and restless as before, only maybe more so. She had ignored her phone and would have to face whatever messages may have come in. She also couldn't tell whether she was hoping there would be something from Hotch or that there wouldn't be.
After deplaning, Emily went right past baggage claim and to customs. She didn't bring more than a carryon and just wanted out of the airport. Before she could leave, she needed to let Val know she was there. Still ignoring the plethora of messages waiting, she called Val. He said he'd pick her up, but she opted to take a taxi. Being trapped in a car with him with so much on her mind seemed like a bad idea.
During the ride, Emily started to filter through her messages. The ones from JJ and Penelope were a little more curious and begging for details, though she could detect some worry from JJ for the impromptu trip. Spontaneity like this wasn't her normal, not since Nate came into her life. A part of her was always a planner, but she enjoyed going with the flow. With Nate, she didn't want to just jump. She had to think.
So they worried about her rash action. She promised to call and give them the details when she got back. For now, she said, she just wanted to enjoy herself. The ones from the guys basically said to have fun, be careful, and let them know when she got back. She appreciated that they didn't ask why or anything about her decision to go even if she was sure they were curious, too.
She was tempted to delete the texts from Hotch before even reading them, but the better part of her told her not to. Most of them were just asking where she was, why she didn't pick up one of his several calls, what was going on, they needed to talk, and things like that.
Shaking her head, she just put her phone away. She didn't listen to the voicemail or respond. This trip wasn't about him. She wasn't going to let it be about him.
Meanwhile, Hotch was frantic. During the car ride, while his mind was on that kiss – the kisses – he was kept occupied with the kids and keeping them entertained. Once they got back to the apartment building, he wanted to just take Emily aside and talk with her, to make sure she didn't run away from him again, but they both knew it wasn't the right time.
"I know you need to get Nate ready to bring to James and we both have some unpacking to do, but we should talk."
"We should talk," she agreed. "I can come by tonight after I get some things done. That gives you and Jack a chance to do what you need to as well."
"Tonight," he said. He leaned in and gave her a quick peck on the cheek, just slightly catching her lips. "Tonight," he repeated.
Only things got in the way. He went to his apartment, Emily went to hers, and their plans never happened the way they were supposed to.
Barely an hour after Hotch and Jack got home, there was a knock on the door. Hotch and Jack were hungry. They didn't stop for dinner and were looking for something easy to eat that night. They settled on burgers. He was just getting things ready to barbeque on the grill in the patio area and asked Jack to answer the door.
"Dad," Jack called out. "It's Robin."
He wasn't expecting her. He did let her know he was home but told her he and Jack just wanted a quiet night in and that he would try to see her after work the next day. Truthfully, he wanted to have that conversation with Emily before seeing Robin. Now he didn't get a choice in the matter. She was there and he either had to rudely ask her to leave, confront the situation head on, or act normal until he sent her on her way and could talk to Emily.
He chose the latter. He could have chosen to be completely honest right off the bat, and maybe that was what he should have done, but he felt he owed it to Emily to talk with her before making any decisions.
"Robin," he greeted her.
"I don't warrant a bigger hello?" she teased.
"Sorry," said Hotch, "I just… wasn't expecting you."
"Thought I'd stop by and welcome some of my favorite guys home."
"We're just about to have dinner. Ugh…" He looked to Jack, hoping he would give him an excuse to make her leave. "Join us?"
"Absolutely."
The only thing he could say about the rest of the night was that he was rushing through it. He took her outside with him to grill, kept up conversation as best he could, and, all the while, was thinking about his talk with Emily. Next thing he knew, night became day and there was no talk between them.
Robin didn't go home, and Emily never came over, so he had no clue what to think. It wasn't until the next morning when Robin finally left that Jack mentioned Emily even coming over the night before.
"Yeah," he told his father. "She brought me a bag with my stuff that Nate had. Robin saw her, and Emily looked a little… I don't know. Sad, I guess. Confused? Not sure, but she left pretty quickly. I don't think they're friends," Jack explained.
"I would have liked to hear about this sooner."
"Sorry, Dad. You and Robin were a little preoccupied with each other. I didn't see the big deal. Figured you'd have invited her to dinner or talked to her at some point anyway."
Well, normally he would have.
"Alright. I need to head out to work. Aunt Jessica is going to pick you up in an hour."
"Dad, I don't need a babysitter anymore."
"I know you don't. But now it's your turn to help her out with all your cousins."
"Do I have to?"
"Today, yes. Every day, no. Your grandparents are visiting, so behave. We'll talk about it when I get home tonight."
"Fine."
Hotch left Jack to his own devices as he grabbed his briefcase and made a pitstop at Emily's place. He knocked a few times, and then a few times more, and there was no answer.
"Emily? Emily it's Hotch," he said. "Are you home?"
He tried calling her. She didn't answer and he couldn't hear a ring through the door. So he called again. Nothing. When he went to his car, he saw that hers was still there.
It wasn't until he showed up at work, worried about things, that he learned her whereabouts.
"You ok man?" Derek asked him.
"Fine."
"You look worried. What's up?"
"Emily wasn't answering her phone this morning or answering her door, but her car was in the lot. I don't know whether I should be worried."
"She didn't tell you?" Derek asked.
"Tell me what?"
"She left for France this morning. I didn't get a lot of detail, but she said her plane left this morning and she would be back by the end of the week."
"Oh…"
"She must have forgotten your name in the group text."
"Must have," he said, though it felt more methodical to him.
Hotch told Derek to have everyone to head to the round table room and he'd meet them shortly. Once alone, he attempted to get in touch with Emily again.
"You're in France," he asked into the voicemail. "With Val? I… I know how things looked when you saw Robin at my place. I don't want to talk about this through a voicemail. This is the third I'm leaving today. Please call me. Please. We should talk. I… You really went to be with Val? Is that where you are? I just want to talk to you. Alright… It's clear you're not going to answer. I guess we'll talk later."
He was dejected, and she wasn't fairing any better.
Upon getting to Val's home in Bordeaux, Emily was greeted with as much love as one could hope for. Val was there with open arms and the biggest smile. Emily so wanted to return the love with as much fervor. She did her best, but it didn't feel near enough.
"Welcome," he told her. "Madelaine is out for the rest of the evening, shopping with her mother, but will return in time for a late supper."
"I'm looking forward to meeting her."
"Come, let me take your bag and show you around," he said.
The house was lovely, everything was perfect, and Emily didn't feel right about being there. She didn't feel right about anything.
"Are you well?" Val asked when Emily spaced out.
"Tired. I've spent a lot of time in the air or in a car the last two days."
"Would you like to rest?"
"No," she quickly responded. "I'd like to spend some time with you."
"I'd like that too."
They cuddled up on the sofa together and he asked her all about her trip with Nate.
"Papa," a girl yelled. "Papa je suis à la maison."
"Madelaine," he called back, telling her they were in the kitchen. "Come meet Emily."
"Emily," she said. "What a pleasure it is to meet you."
"You too, Madelaine. Your father has told me all about you."
Emily couldn't believe how unalike the two looked. Where Val had hair as dark as midnight and eyes like sapphires, she was fair haired and brown eyed. She was beautiful, no doubt, but the pictures she had seen barely did the girl justice.
The two women hugged and began talking while Val cooked for them. Over dinner, Emily shared stories of her youth, the appropriate ones. More specifically, she talked about her time in France like spending summers in the Alps and how she loved Paris in the winter.
Madelaine was enamored with the stories of travel and adventure, things she came to ask more and more about as the days passed. It was easy getting to know the girl, and that made Emily feel guilty. There were times when they were getting on well, deep in conversation, a smiling, content Val watching, and all Emily wanted to do was run or vomit. What was she doing? She shouldn't have been forging this bond when the state of their relationship was up in the air.
Hotch kept calling and she kept ignoring the calls. It all made her feel worse. Eventually, she had to deal with it, but she didn't want to face the pain of rejection.
Late at night, after Val asked her what was going on with all the missed calls and she defensively snapped at him, she decided to face it.
She listened to Hotch's messages, some of them, before calling him. As she was hoping, she got his voicemail.
"Please stop calling," she said. "I know I left hastily, but I did what I thought was right. I realize now that we were just a victim of proximity. We spent so much time together that we were bound to feel… something. But you made it clear that you want to be with Robin. I accept that. I'm trying my best to make this relationship with Val work. I don't know what to do about us. I don't know what to tell him. I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time… You hurt me," she shifted back. "But your choice is your own. Please give me the chance to deal with it. Please stop calling. Give Jack my love. Bye Hotch."
It was a horrible voicemail and she didn't even touch on any of the things she wanted to or should have, but it was enough to free her mind. It was enough to say she made her choice, too. It was Val. He loved her, and she could love him… They could make it work.
Still, she was keeping a secret from Val that she didn't feel right about it. She also didn't feel right about coming all this way and dropping that on him. It didn't seem fair. She was just very conflicted. She truly believed she loved Val. But her feelings for Hotch and their continued connection made her question whether she was in love with him. And Hotch wanted Robin… But it wasn't fair for her to make Val the guy she settled for. He deserved so much more.
Why? Why was this happening? She really had to figure out things with Val. The one thing was clear. She didn't want to hurt him. That seemed inevitable.
It didn't help matters that Madelaine liked Emily so much. Emily saw a lot of herself in the teen which wasn't completely a good thing. She saw things that worried her, things that made her believe Madelaine was heading down the same path she was as a teen.
She felt obligated to tell Valentin but didn't want him to feel she was overstepping. She really held no set place in Madelaine's life and her grasp on the position she held in Val's wasn't cemented either.
Everything felt so up in the air for her. She was frazzled and frustrated and just going through the motions. Honestly, she wanted to call Hotch and ask him what to do about Madelaine. She settled for asking JJ who told her she should bring it up with Val. She still urged to call Hotch and talk with him, get his opinion. To hear his voice…
Obviously, she ignored that instinct, especially after leaving Hotch that message. As time went on, Val realized something was wrong and confronted her about it.
"You've been distracted since arriving," he told her. "What is it? What is wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," she assured him.
"Talk to me," he said. "Please. I want to help."
"Your daughter reminds me a lot of myself at her age."
"Is Madelaine the problem? Has she done something? Are you not happy to spend time with her?"
"That's not it, Val. She's great and I'm enjoying getting to know her," even if the guilt was giving her an ulcer. "But, as your girlfriend and as someone who has been there, I… I think I should tell you that I'm worried about her."
"Why?"
Emily told him that she caught her sneaking in late at night after they had gone to bed, high.
"Madelaine does not do drugs."
"Maybe I'm wrong," Emily said. "But I don't think I am. I've seen the signs. I've lived through it. She's acting out and it can't be ignored."
He was clearly not happy with her line of thought and was insistent on denying any possibility that his daughter wasn't the perfect angel he thought she was. She had seen it before, often on cases when they talked to parents. She should have known to approach this differently, but it was like she wanted him to be mad at her.
She deserved that.
"I didn't want to upset you."
"You did."
"I know. I'm sorry. I just had to tell you what I thought just in case I was right."
"You're not," he insisted.
"Ok… I said what I needed to, I'm sorry I offended you, and that's that."
"I forgive you. But I do not like this kind of talk about Madelaine."
"I understand. I won't bring it up again."
"Good."
Emily just looked at him with pursed lips, holding back the rest she needed to tell him.
"I am sorry I rose my voice. That is not polite and not necessary."
"It's ok," she said. "Let's just move on."
"Fine."
When they went to bed that night, Emily, knowing she only had one more day with him and a choice to make asked him, "Hold me?"
"Yes," he said, snuggling up behind her, arm wrapping around her body.
She didn't sleep at all. She just laid there, hoping to find some peace, but just like the rest of the week, her mind was too busy to allow that.
"You look tired. You have looked tired and sad since your arrival. It is not about Madelaine. Why will you not speak to me?"
"I want to… I'm just… afraid."
"You can tell me anything."
She hadn't even had coffee yet, and she was about to bare everything to him.
Sitting across from him at the table, she met his eyes and took a deep breath. "Something happened while I was away with Nate and everyone. Something with Hotch."
"What happened?" Val asked, afraid by the answer.
"We kissed…"