Chapter 54: Times are Changing

Sitting across from him at the table, she met his eyes and took a deep breath. "Something happened while I was away with Nate and everyone. Something with Hotch."

"What happened?" Val asked, afraid by the answer.

"We kissed…"

Hopeful, he asked, "Kiss like I would kiss a friend hello?"

He mimicked the action and she shook her head no.

"Kiss, then, like you and I would kiss?"

She didn't move to respond, and he understood, but he needed to hear her say it.

"Emily."

"Yes."

His anger became visible. He started to pace and yell, not really at her, but out loud, cursing in French and venting.

When the yelling came to a lull, Emily said, "I'm sorry. I…"

"You have been here for a week and said nothing. Why? Why come here if you are not interested in me any longer?"

She didn't get a chance to say anything.

"Did I introduce you to my daughter just for this to be over?"

"What?" she asked, heart breaking.

It was happening. They were over, she knew it. She messed it up.

Finally getting to the point where, though angry still, not shaking with anger, Val sat down with her again.

"Why did you not tell me sooner?"

"I didn't know what to say. I just… I wanted to forget about it."

"Did he hurt you?" Val asked in outrage. Emily was quick to diffuse that.

"No Val… He didn't." Momentarily, she found herself wishing he did. At least then she'd have an excuse for what she did. "It wasn't planned. It's not something that's going to happen again. It was just… We just kissed and then it was over."

"It meant nothing?"

"No. It didn't mean anything. We are friends. Nothing else. I love you."

"I love you too, Emily, but I need time to think. I have more questions and things we must discuss, but I cannot think about it right now. I need some time and space."

"I thought you might," Emily said, standing from the table. "I'm going to spend the night at a hotel."

He looked at her but didn't speak.

"I'm sorry that I did this," she said. "I'm sorry that I came here acting like it didn't happen." A tear slipped from her eye. "I just… I love you. And I really did want this to work. I know I made a mistake. I know I shouldn't have waited to tell you. Truthfully, I came here to tell you in person and then I couldn't do it. I didn't want to hurt you."

"You did."

"I know, and I hurt Madelaine. I will always regret that." She sighed. "I'm going to grab my things and head over to a hotel by the airport. I'm leaving midday tomorrow. I hope I'll see you before then."

She got up with s sniffle and approached. When it looked like he was open to it, she kissed him on the cheek and left. There was a weight lifted from her shoulders, but a new one placed on. Her relationship was in limbo and it was no one's fault but her own.

Hastily packing her bag, throwing things in, she zipped it up and waited outside for the car. She was trying to keep herself from crying, but she was emotional. This was probably one of the few healthy relationships she had throughout her life, and she may have ruined it. Strike may have, she did ruin it.

It wasn't until she was checked in and alone in her room that she let the emotion go until there was nothing left to come out. There was nothing else she could do. She told him, and now it was up to Val. She could beg and grovel, but the decision was still his. She had to leave it up to him.

She tried to keep her mind occupied, but the hurt was there. Mostly, she did nothing all day. She packed, unpacked, and repacked her bag. She stuffed the souvenirs in there and made sure everything was set for her travel. That was the extent of her day.

Emily was laying on the bed, sulking, when there was a knock. She wasn't expecting room service or anyone, so she felt an almost hopeful feeling as she got up to answer.

"Val?" she said, with wide, excited eyes. He was there… She just hoped it wasn't to officially break up with her. Or maybe she did?

"May I come in?"

"Yes. Please."

She stepped out of the way and allowed him in, waiting for him to say more.

Finally, as he sat down on her bed, waiting for her to approach, he asked, "It happened only once?"

Only once while they were together. "Yes."

"Tell me all that happened."

He had her explain everything leading up to the kiss. She did so in the simplest of terms, no details and under embellishing the actual kiss.

"I don't understand how you let this happen."

"Neither do I," she said.

"But it did."

"Yes…"

"I am angry. Very angry. My trust is hurt, and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you."

"That's not true, Val," her voice was pleading. "You're amazing. I'm not good enough for you."

He looked her over. Whatever she was feeling for Hotch, she was genuinely remorseful for what she did to him and was putting him through. She was many things, but never before was she a cheater. He could see that she was sincerely upset.

"You do not wish for it to happen again, do you?"

"No…" Maybe? "No Val, I want to be with you." That part was true. She genuinely felt they were good together, could be great. "I want to make this work. I want a chance to fix this."

"I still need time. I need to think. We will discuss more when I return to America."

She solemnly nodded. "Until then? Are we… Are we broken up?"

"I don't want to be," he said. "I will not see anyone else, and I hope you will not either. But I am confused about your feelings for Hotch and problems with your friendship, now. I cannot trust him, and I don't know if I can completely trust you, especially around him."

"You can."

"How?" he asked. "I see how close you are. You spend more time with him than you ever have with me. You have a separate life that I am no part of."

"I didn't mean for it to be that way."

"I know. But, from the beginning, you have kept important things from me. Not lies, but not the whole truth. You never really let me in with Nate. Now you kiss another man. I don't know what to do with this."

"I don't either."

"Do you have any feelings for him? Any beyond friendship?"

"I…" Didn't have an answer.

"You don't know?" He sighed again, a deep, weighty sigh. "I love you Emily."

"I love you too."

"But you need to figure out what it is you want. Or who."

"I want you."

"I'm not sure you even know if that's true. I cannot stay here with you tonight, but I didn't want you to leave so sad… I will be back in America next week. We will talk then. Think about if this is what you want. We can be something wonderful, but not if you're unsure."

She nodded, tears pooling once again.

"If we are to work, I need to be a part of your life. You need to let me be a part of it. You need to want me and only me."

"I'm sorry," she repeated to him. "I really didn't want to hurt you."

"What happened, happened. Now we must deal with it. I wish it didn't happen. I wish I looked at you and wasn't upset. But I still love you."

A sad smile broke through on her lips. He walked over to her, put his hands on her cheeks, and pulled her in for a kiss repeating, "I still love you."

Pulling apart, he wished her safe travels and said they would talk soon but said it in a way that let her know what happened next really fell heavily on her shoulders. She understood. She was the one that did something wrong. She was the one to mess things up and hurt him. Now, her confusion was hurting him more because he knew it wasn't as easy as a meaningless kiss that could be chalked up to a mistake. There were feelings there, and she needed to learn just what those feelings were.

She felt as alone as she was when he left, wondering what she was supposed to do next. Mostly, she just wanted to be home with Nate. No matter what was happening, he made her feel better, which was why, despite the rollercoaster of emotion she was feeling, when she got on the plane the next morning, she did so with a smile.

Things were messed up for her, but they were no less messed up for Hotch.

When Emily didn't return his calls or messages, he kept trying until he got her message. It came early in the morning while he was away on a case. He was just getting into the hotel room after wrapping up the case when he saw the missed call on his personal phone.

Seeing the voicemail from Emily, he didn't hesitate to press play.

"Please stop calling," Emily said, and hearing that sent a pang through his chest. "I know I left hastily, but I did what I thought was right. I realize now that we were just a victim of proximity. We spent so much time together that we were bound to feel… something. But you made it clear that you want to be with Robin. I accept that. And I am trying my best to make this relationship with Val work. I don't know what to do about us. I don't know what to tell him. I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time… You hurt me." He could hear the quiver in her voice. "But your choice is your own. Please give me the chance to deal with it. Please stop calling. Give Jack my love. Bye Hotch."

The message, though her words were clear, left him confused. What choice did he make that would cause her to run to Val? He wanted to talk to her first and see where she was leaning, but she would have been his choice. If she wanted to know where his head was at, that was what he was going to tell her. He wanted them to try. He wanted it since the first kiss. He was just giving her time to figure out if she wanted the same. Robin… Well, he didn't want to hurt her, but he also couldn't break up with her with Jack there. He just wanted to know he wasn't throwing away a good relationship because of something she thought was a mistake. He wanted her to have the time.

Maybe that was their problem. They gave each other too much time to think things through and it cost them opportunities.

He went to bed with the message replaying in his mind. There were many sleepless moments through the night when he was tempted to reach over to his phone and call her. He wanted to ask her to come home, to leave Val and be with him. Ultimately, he just wanted her to be happy. If working on her relationship with Val did that, then that was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

That left him with another conundrum. What was he to do? Was he supposed to tell Robin? Break up with her? If he couldn't have Emily, was it fair to be with Robin? He loved her, too, but clearly not in the way he should. There was a lot of confusion running through his mind, and all he wanted to do was talk to Emily. She was the only one he could talk to about it.

Of course, he could bring it up to Dave or even JJ, but he didn't know if Emily wanted anyone to know. What happened was between them, and maybe it wasn't something they should share. That could only create more problems.

No. He had to not think about it. He would respect Emily's wishes while she was away and talk to her the first chance he got, which couldn't come soon enough.

She didn't get in until Saturday morning. He had been checking her apartment and the lot every day, sometimes two or three times a day, since he returned from his case. Robin continued to drop by, and he made himself available to her. When Jack wasn't home, he went to her place. It was working. He was in the moment with her, even if his head was also elsewhere. Most of the time…

"What's going on, Aaron?" Robin asked. "You seem a little distracted."

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking about work, but I'm here. I swear. Why don't we do something fun? It's nice out. We can go to the fair they're having at the park I saw on my way over."

"Will you win me a goldfish?"

"Only if you promise not to kill it. I've seen your plants."

"Okay, so we'll skip the fish. I'm not pet material. How about some funnel cake then?"

"I think I can manage that."

"Great. Let's go."

Jack was at a friend's, so the two of them went alone. They had fun. They played carnival games and ate all the junk food. They even had a cute moment when Robin got powdered sugar on her nose. But, through it all, Robin could see that he still had something on his mind.

"Are you ok?" Robin asked leading him to a table, hand in hand. "Is there something going on at work?"

"No. Really, it's nothing."

"It's something. Talk to me."

"I'm not sure you really want to hear it."

"I do," she assured him, her hand reaching across the picnic table to lay atop his. "Talk to me."

"It's about Emily."

"Oh… Look. I know I was jealous in the beginning when our relationship was new and she seemed to be everywhere and involved in everything, but I'm not as insecure as I may have seemed then. I love you, and I know you love me. I trust you. I've been hurt in the past, so I get scared, but I'm ok with you and her being friends, and if you're worried about her or something involving her, I don't want you to keep it from me just because you're worried about how I'll take it."

"Thanks." He was grateful to hear those words, but now, he wished they were never spoken. It felt like a knife to the gut because she was telling him that she loved and trusted him, and he was keeping the fact that he broke that trust from her.

"So, what's going on?"

He, rightfully, felt guilty talking to her about Emily. He was resolved to wait until he talked with Emily before telling Robin anything, but that didn't mean he felt right about keeping things from her or that he even could. He didn't want to hurt her, especially not after learning about her past.

After her initial discomfort with Emily and their unintentional double date dinner disaster, Robin told him about her past relationship and, more importantly, how it ended. Her ex cheated on her for over half of their four-year relationship. To make matters worse, he cheated with a friend of hers and had the gull to blame her. He told her she was always away for work and never had time for him, so he found someone who did.

He understood why she acted the way she did with Emily, and he knew, in hindsight, that maybe he gave her just cause to do so. Now he proved her right. No, they didn't sleep together, but he cheated, nonetheless. Perhaps, a part of him was having an emotional affair with Emily the whole time. It wasn't intentional, but he did break the trust. He spent a lot of time thinking about, talking with, and spending time with Emily. For that, for hurting her, he was sorry.

"She took off to France without any notice. She hasn't talked to anyone on the team or answered any texts from me. I'm just… I'm worried something is wrong."

None of that was a lie, but he wasn't going to blurt out the deeper reason for his worry.

He was starting to think there was something wrong with him. Maybe he wasn't supposed to be in any relationship after Haley.

"Sounds to me like she's on another vacation. This time with Val."

"Yeah. It was just so sudden."

"You tried calling her?"

"Yes."

"Have you tried calling her family? They would know what's going on, right? She has a son and he has a father, plus you just went on vacation with her and her mother, too. What do they have to say?"

"They're not worried."

"Then you shouldn't be either. She probably just wanted some alone time with Val. Nothing wrong with that."

"You're right. I'm sorry I even brought it up."

"I'm not. I'm glad we can talk about things." She smiled and squeezed his hand again. "You still look like you have something on your mind."

"I do."

"Well, we're sitting at a secluded picnic bench with a little time on our hands. I'm all ears."

"I just… I want you to know that I care about you. I love you." All true.

"I know that," she said. "I love you too."

"But I have to tell you something. It's… I did something… Something that will hurt you and that I don't want to keep from you."

The moment had come. He had to do it. He didn't want to string her along and that was what it felt like he was doing. At the very least, he needed to give her all the facts to decide their fate.

She pulled her hand away, her back stiffened, and she looked like she was ready to pounce if the need came about.

She asked, "What did you do?"

"I know it will hurt you, and I am so sorry for that. I just want you to know that. I don't want to hurt you but I don't want to keep things from you either."

Her voice was hard and tense, "Say it."

He took a quick breath, met her eyes, and said, "I kissed someone else."

Her mouth fell open just a bit, a tiny gasp sound escaping before she sucked in a heavy breath.

"I'm not going to make excuses. I'm not going to say I was drunk or I didn't know what I was doing because even if those things were true, they don't change my actions. I did something without thinking about the consequences and without thinking about what I would be doing to you and us. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I've hurt you."

"When?" she asked, ignoring his speech.

"That doesn't matter."

"It matters to me," she insisted.

"Knowing the details won't change the hurt you're feeling. It was one kiss and it won't happen again."

"How do I know that?"

Her eyes were already glassy and the Hotch's stomach was already churning with the vitriol oil of self-hate. How could he hurt her like this?

"I know I broke the trust we've built, and I know you feel hurt and betrayed, but I didn't plan to do this. It only happened once, and it will not happen again."

"But how do I know that if you don't tell me everything?"

"What will the details do for you?" he asked. "Knowing won't change anything. It happened. It happened, and I'm so sorry that I did this to you."

"Why did you do it? If you're so sorry, why did you do it? You won't tell me when it happened or with who… Just that you're sorry… I… Did it happen with someone I know?"

He didn't want to lie to her. He was hoping to get through this without giving all the details and, honestly, he didn't know how he thought that would work. But he also wasn't thinking. He wasn't planning on telling her until he talked to Emily. He wanted to understand himself what happened before divulging something he knew would hurt his girlfriend.

"You're not even listening," he heard Robin say. "Do you even care at all?"

"Of course, I do. I can't change what I did, and…"

"Would you do it again?"

"What?"

"If you could go back and undo it, would you?"

"Yes," he answered honestly. He couldn't say for sure that he would change that he kissed Emily, but he would change when and how it happened. "I swear, I hate that I hurt you. That doesn't make up for anything, but I am telling you the truth, despite knowing it would hurt you, because I didn't want to lie to you."

Robin searched his eyes for something – for any kind of remorse, and it was there. She believed that he didn't want to hurt her. He knew of her past and talked in depth about things. He was a good guy, she knew, and hadn't done the same thing her ex did, but it hurt anyway. She couldn't help the feeling that there was more to the story.

Wiping a lone tear from her cheek, she asked him, "It was her, wasn't it?"

"Who?"

"Emily. You and Emily kissed?"

He just looked at her, and that was all the confirmation she really needed.

"It was her, wasn't it?" she repeated.

He had no plans to lie. She asked, and he told her the truth. With a regretful tone, he replied, "Yes."

Robin bit her lip, holding it there between her teeth as she debated what to say next. She was hurt, clearly, and just confused.

"Was it really just a kiss?" she asked, voice much calmer than she was feeling.

"It was just a kiss. I swear to you that nothing else happened."

Was it ever just a kiss though? Physically, yes, but emotionally, probably not.

She let out a shaky breath and he saw the emotion in her eyes. He truly never meant to hurt her. He just acted without thinking and it was an issue.

"I'm not sure that matters," Robin said. "Can you take me home now?"

He nodded. She said nothing, and when he offered his hand to escort her to the car, she didn't take it.

Not a good sign.

He opened the door for her, waiting for her to get her feet in before closing it and getting in the driver's seat. The actual car ride was awkward. Robin sat silently, leaning her head against the window. Hotch wanted to ask her something, anything, but he couldn't think of one good question to ask or anything to say. Nothing would make things ok.

In this situation, he was the bad guy, and that wasn't something he was used to. Maybe it seemed like he was the bad guy to Haley, but he was just doing his job. She didn't like that, but he sure didn't feel like the bad guy all the time. Now, he did something wrong. He cheated. There was no excusing that or getting around the fact. He had to live with that, and he hurt someone he truly did care about.

He had his doubts about her at first. She was jealous and insecure about their relationship, but once he got to know her and her reasons for acting that way, he understood and saw past it. Even after that dinner, Robin accepted his friendship with Emily and he proved that she shouldn't have, that her insecurities weren't just insecurities.

Neither he nor Emily were used to the feeling that things going sour were truly all their fault. He didn't know what Robin wanted yet, but he knew he couldn't beg her to stay with him and make things work when he was clearly conflicted. If he wasn't, he wouldn't have kissed Emily, would he have?

Honestly, he believed he loved Robin, just not in the way she needed to be loved or the kind of love they needed to sustain a long-term romantic relationship. That was something he realized during his week away. Still, the kiss should've waited until he broke up with Robin.

He sighed as he pulled into her driveway. The car in park, they both sat there, waiting.

Finally, Robin made the first move. She looked to him and said, "I guess this is it."

"Robin…"

"No. Stop. Don't apologize again. It doesn't change anything."

"I know, but I am sorry for hurting you."

"I believe you. I know you're a good guy, and that's why I took a chance with you. The truth is I don't think I was ready to be in a relationship. I only broke up with my ex a few months before we met, and I still have things to work out about that. I think you have some things to work out too."

"Maybe."

"I did love you. I do," Robin said.

He nodded and sadly replied, "I love you too. I always meant that."

"You're not the guy for me, and I'm not the woman for you. And that's ok. We had fun, didn't we?"

He listened to her shaky voice and reached out for her hand, happy when she didn't pull away.

"I did. I hope you truly did too."

"I was really hoping it would work out."

"Me too."

"Not all relationships are made to last. Sometimes, they are to give you what you need in the moment and, maybe you did that for me. You showed me there are still good guys out there, even if they sometimes hurt you too."

"I'm sorry."

"I know, hon. It was… For a while there, you made me feel special and accepted. That was what I needed. I think a part of me always knew it wouldn't work out. There was always something between us. Someone," she said. "I'm not going to be sad we're ending. This is how it's meant to be."

"You helped me too," he said. "Made me see that I can find love again."

"I think you already have," she told him. "Don't be afraid to go after it." Robin opened the car door and got out.

He followed her lead and met up with her on her side of the car.

They were standing inches apart saying nothing until she sighed.

"Robin," he started.

She held her hand up to stop him.

"I loved getting to know Jack. He's a great kid."

"Thank you."

"Will you tell him I said that. And that I said goodbye?"

"I will."

She squeezed her eyes shut and he gripped her hand again, tighter this time.

"I can't say I'm happy about the way this ended, but I am happy that I met you and took a chance on you."

"I am too."

"I'm angry, but I know that you wouldn't have done this to me if it was anyone else but her. You guys have a history that's bigger than ours and something I'll never understand. That doesn't make this easier."

"I truly never wanted to hurt you."

"Like I said, I know you didn't. You could have lied to me. You could have done more with her… You didn't. You had the decency to tell me, and I appreciate that."

"I hope you don't feel like I led you on."

She shook her head. "I don't. I'm hurt, yes, but you're blind. Don't be blind anymore."

He smiled. "I'll try not to."

"Fight for her."

"What if…"

"No. I can't be the Emily sounding board. I'm angry at both of you, but I had a feeling this would be the outcome one way or another. It was making me a little crazy too. We both got something out of this, and I'm choosing to remember that and work on letting the anger and hurt pass. Hopefully, it will soon."

He held his tongue, another sorry ready to pass his lips. When she was receptive, he pulled her into a hug. Whatever happened between them, he was happy and grateful for their time together.

"You'll find someone worthy of your love. You're amazing," he whispered to her.

"Thank you. I know I will. We both will." She pulled away. "Goodbye Aaron."

"Goodbye Robin."

"Talk to her. Ok? I… Don't let all of this be for nothing."

He nodded and told her to call if she ever needed anything and told her not to give up on love.

"We all get hurt sometimes, but not everyone is an asshole."

"Maybe not. But I need some time to just be by myself for a while. Get cheated on twice and you just need a breather."

She laughed, a bitter laugh to cover her tears.

"Go home. Wait for her. I'm going to take care of myself."

Hotch said his apologies one last time before getting in his car and driving home. Robin was right. While it wasn't what either was expecting, they both got something they needed out of their relationship. He didn't regret being with her. He didn't regret anything about their relationship except the way he forced the end. She didn't deserve to be hurt again, and he hoped she could move past it without any more heartache.

He got home with a lightness to him. He was relieved that the kiss was out in the open, that he wasn't lying to his girlfriend, and, maybe, a little relieved that they were broken up. It could have been worse. It could have been better. But now he was free to do what was best for him and Robin was free to do what was best for her.

Unfortunately for him, it was never that easy.