Chapter 55: Sex Education
Robin called Hotch the day after their breakup. She wished she didn't need to, but she left some things at his place and needed them back, especially one of her badges that she needed for work. She asked if it would be ok if she stopped by that weekend to just pick the stuff up.
He offered to bring it to her, wanting to make things easier, but she declined. She told him it would save them both time and effort if she just came and did it herself.
"I'm trying to be ok with everything," she told him, "I will be. I'm working on it, but I think it's best if I just come and do it. That way nothing gets left behind, and we don't have to do this again."
In other words, she wanted it to be as clean a break as they could manage. She needed to not see him for a while and was only doing this because there were things there that she needed. Replacing them wasn't an option.
"I understand."
Hotch told her that he and Jack had plans Saturday morning, so if she preferred to come while he was out, she was welcome to. She had a key to his place that she could use and then leave there when she left. She appreciated the gesture and said she'd take him up on that.
"Thank you," she said and hung up.
They didn't talk again at all. Saturday morning, Robin sent a text just asking about what time to come. They set it up so that she would be in his apartment as Hotch was taking Jack to the bookstore. He had one last book to finish for summer reading and it was a book of his choice, so they would be perusing before heading to an early movie and out to lunch. School was starting up soon which would mean less time to spend together, so they were using the free time they had now to their advantage.
Before they left, Jack noticed his father putting some things in a box, girl things that he knew to be Robin's.
"Is everything ok with you and Robin?" Jack asked.
"Not really, Jack. We ugh… Well, we broke up."
"Oh," Jack said, lips pursed for a second. "I'm sorry, Dad. Are you ok?"
"I am. She is a good woman, and I enjoyed our time together, but it wasn't the relationship either of us needed."
"Chelsea and I are over too," Jack said, to his father's surprise. "I didn't call her enough over the summer."
Hotch wanted to laugh but held it back.
"You have plenty of time to find the right woman Jack. Feel whatever you're feeling, but don't let it hold you back."
It was the best advice he could give his son.
"You too, Dad." Jack smiled and then offered to help pack up the things.
"I have it covered. She's going to come while we're out. She did want me to tell you that she enjoyed getting to know you and she's sorry it didn't work out."
"She grew on me," Jack said. "But… I like it when it's just us, too. We'll be ok."
"We will," Hotch agreed. "Go get your shoes. I think I'm done, so I'm ready when you are."
Ten minutes later, they were out the door. Another twenty after that, and Robin was heading into the apartment. She was feeling a lot of different things and being there alone didn't help. While she was ok with the breakup, almost feeling the inevitability of it, it hurt and the reason for the end hurt more. At the same time, her feelings would have only grown deeper, so she needed that tangible reason to let go instead of continuing to grip on.
She sighed when she saw the box. That was what their relationship was chalked up to now. She had a bag of stuff he left at her place, a tie, shirt, a few little things, but mostly, they spent time at his place. She was fine with that because it was more convenient for them and it worked with Jack. Still, it got her thinking that maybe it was another sign she missed about his lack of commitment. More often than not, it was her surprising him at his place than him surprising her.
It just frustrated her because she tried to make it work when she knew, deep down, that she shouldn't have.
"It's over," she said to herself, making sure everything was in the box so that she didn't have to come back. She noticed there was an envelope inside that had "read when you're ready," written on the front. She knew his handwriting enough to know it was Aaron's.
While she wasn't ready to read it just then, when she was ready, it would tell her what she needed to hear. It contained his heartfelt and sincere regret for the hurt he caused and an explanation about how, before they were together, he thought he might have feelings for Emily that he believed he could ignore. There were words of encouragement and praise for her, but mostly, it was an apology from a friend who genuinely cared for her and loved her.
She would be happy he wrote that for her one day. That day just wasn't today.
One last look around, and she knew that was it. She wouldn't see the place again. She wouldn't see him again, probably.
"Goodbye," she told the apartment, dropping his key on the table where the box once laid.
She didn't stop at the door, locking it and leaving without looking back.
Robin felt the sadness again. Aaron and she were officially done, nothing to keep them communicating. It was for the best, she told herself as she got into the elevator and hit the button for ground level. It was time to go home and not look back.
Of course, that couldn't happen without one last, unfortunate run in.
"You're back," Robin said, looking up from her phone and seeing Emily walking toward her, bag in hand.
"I'm back," Emily confirmed, stopping a few feet in front of the other woman.
"Aaron has been worried about you."
Emily looked confused. Robin's defensive posture and clearly emotional state were clue enough that something wasn't right. The way they stood like they were in a standoff just set the mood.
"Why?"
"Why don't you ask him? He's all yours now."
"He's what?"
"We broke up," Robin said.
"Oh…" Emily was surprised. "I'm sorry."
"Are you?"
"I am."
"I doubt that," Robin spat.
"He told you?"
"That the two of you kissed? Yes."
"Robin, I… I'm sorry. It… We were wrong to do that while with other people."
"You were. Don't worry, I'm not going to attack you or anything. I'm not angry with you or Aaron."
"You're not?"
"No. I… I felt there was something there and I ignored my gut thinking I was paranoid. That's on me. But I hope you have the decency to tell Val, because this is not a good feeling to have and the sooner he learns it, the better."
"I told him."
"Good for you. Now you and Aaron can be happy together."
Emily's eyes scrunched as she looked at Robin, not saying anything.
"I'm done with being with men who don't truly want me, or not just me. So, he's yours. I wish you the best. I hope you are happy together."
Emily could see the tears forming in Robin's eyes, so she didn't say the pun sitting on her tongue. Instead, she put her bag down and walked a little closer.
"Are you alright?"
"No, I'm not alright," she yelled. "I was cheated on again. How the hell is that alright?"
She took a calming breath and Emily reached a hand out. Robin swatted it away.
"What are you doing?"
"Apologizing," Emily said. "It doesn't do anything for you, I know. But all I have to offer is my sincerest apology. If you can find it in your heart to forgive him, I know you both could make it work."
Robin laughed, full out belly laughed.
"You really don't get it, do you?" Robin said. "We couldn't make it work because he doesn't want it to work. I'm not the woman he wants it to work with."
"Me?"
"Yes, Emily. You. You're not that dense. He told me about the kiss you two shared before we were together and how he was confused. I'm starting to think you were too, or just too in denial to see it. But figure it out, already. Don't hurt anyone else with your games of cat and mouse."
"We're not playing games," Emily responded.
"Maybe not intentionally. But both of you have invited other people into your lives without actually making room for them. It hurts to be on the outside. I am now. I'm done, and, honestly, I hope it works out for the both of you. Despite how angry I was at the you when he told me, I know you're not bad people and I hope you guys get your act together. I'm just done with it."
"Robin…"
"Save it. Good luck Emily, and goodbye."
Robin didn't wait for a reply. She just headed off to her car, threw the box in the trunk, and slammed the door before driving off.
Emily, however, didn't know what to say. She had been sure that Hotch was trying to make it work with Robin just like she planned to with Val. Did it change anything if he wasn't?
No, right?
She didn't have the time to think about it. Her plane arrived early, but traffic getting home was a bitch and she needed to pick up Nate soon. Dealing with Hotch and checking in with him wasn't an immediate priority.
Right then, all she wanted was to see her son. Just one week away and she missed him like crazy. That was the only thing on her agenda for the day, a mom and Nate day. So, after dropping her bag off in the apartment, Emily left to get Nate.
His greeting was exactly what she needed. As soon as the door opened, he ran to hug her. She scooped him up and hugged him just as hard.
"I've missed you," she told him.
"I missed you," he said.
She savored the hug. With him in her arms, she could forget everything else. No worries, nothing passed through her head except thoughts of him. She peppered him with kisses before putting him down.
"I leave you for a week and it looks like you've outgrown your clothes," Emily said, looking at his shorts that appeared a little too short.
"Dad shrunk some of my clothes," Nate told her.
James winced, waiting for her reaction. She didn't give him one.
"Good thing we need to go clothes shopping anyway. Huh?"
"I can do that with him," James offered.
"We both can," Emily said. "I want to do it this week, but you can come or take him yourself your next weekend. You have to work, don't you?"
"Yeah," James said.
"How's the job going?"
"I like it," he told her.
They chatted about it as Emily sent Nate to get his things. Emily had called a few friends to help James find some jobs and worked it so they came about as opportunities presented to him from the rehab center. Some of them truly were, but she wanted him to have choices. He ended up going with a position at a local research firm working with archival data. It wasn't what he went to school for, but he found he liked it once he got out of the training part of it all. Learning the software was a pain, but he was actually getting good with computers and typing so it all worked out.
"I sort things, I research, I input. It's not the most exciting, but I get to see how it all plays out, so it's interesting."
"That's great, James. I'm glad you're liking it."
"Yeah. They said that if I continue to do well, I can help with the focus groups and marketing surveys. I'm hoping I get there."
"Me too. I'm happy for you."
"Thanks. I'm sure Nate will tell you all about it. He spent a few days there with me."
"Exciting."
"How was your trip?" James asked.
"It was fine."
"You look tired."
"Probably from all the traveling. Sometimes vacations are more active than restful."
"Sure. Sure."
"Nate," Emily called. "Let's get going."
"Coming," he yelled back.
Waiting, Emily said to James, "I go back to the office this week just to get things ready for my classes and check to make sure the bookstore received the right books that I ordered."
"Sounds fun."
"Yeah. Anyway, I'm just telling you because when I go to the university, I plan on taking Nate with me so we can explore the area and I can show him around campus more while it's not quite as busy."
"I'm sure he'll like that."
"I think so."
"I have everything," Nate said, coming in and tossing his bag at his mother.
"Pleasant, Nate. Thanks."
"You're welcome."
Emily rolled her eyes and left with Nate. They were ready for a day doing absolutely nothing together. That last part was key. So, they went back to the apartment. Nate helped his mother unpack and Emily used the opportunity to talk about his week with his dad.
Things had been much better between all three of them. The therapy, at least for the two of them, had been over for a month or so now, but they continued to work on themselves and James still went once every two weeks to keep his temper and emotions regulated. His personal therapy helped with immense growth and a new understanding of himself.
"Are you ok Mom?" Nate asked as they started sorting through some of his clothes to see what fit and what didn't anymore.
He noticed that, not only was she tired, but she looked sad too.
"I'm fine Nate. I'm just happy to be back with you."
"I'm happy that you're back too, but you still seem sad."
"I missed you is all. Maybe next time, we can go to Europe for a fun trip together."
"Cool. We should."
"Maybe next summer. We'll have to see how good you are this school year."
"I behave."
"I know you do." Emily tossed an old shirt at him. "I also know you're growing way too quickly. All of your fall clothes from last year are too small."
"I'm tall now," he said.
"You're getting there. At the very least, you're giving goodwill a big donation tomorrow."
"Are we going shopping tomorrow?"
"No. We'll go Tuesday. Tomorrow we're going to Georgetown," she said, explaining the plan. "Maybe we could stop at a few shops around there, but we'll have to see."
"Ok. Sounds cool."
"Make sure to print out the school supplies list we were sent."
"I will."
"If you have any old toys you want to donate, put them in the box."
"I will. When I'm done, can I go see if Jack is home?"
"After dinner."
"Can we invite them to dinner?"
"Ugh…"
"Please?"
He was giving her the pouty face and, though every part of her said to wait to talk to Hotch until she was in a better place, maybe had some sleep and wasn't constantly thinking about her own mistakes, she couldn't say no to that face. He was too good at it.
"Fine. You can run over to their apartment. Tell them we're ordering pizza if they want to come over for dinner."
"Yes! Thanks Mom," he said, heading straight for the door.
She didn't even bother to yell that he was supposed to finish what he was doing first. He was already out the door.
"This should be interesting," she said to herself as she threw some old clothes into the box.
Interesting it would be. Nate came back ten minutes later telling her that Hotch and Jack would be up around 5 for dinner unless she wanted them over at a different time.
"Hotch said to let him know."
"Ok. How come you didn't stay with Jack?"
"They were just coming home when I saw them, so I invited them to dinner and came home."
"That will give you some time to get back to work."
"Yes ma'am," he said.
After getting Nate back to work, Emily sent Hotch a text saying 5 was fine. He replied asking if they could talk after dinner. She said yes. That was the plan anyway. They needed to talk, and she didn't want to put it off. Once that was taken care of, she joined Nate, and they worked together until it was time to order pizza and prepare for dinner.
The pizza arrived just before Hotch and Jack. Emily was getting the plates ready while Nate was letting them in.
"Hey guys," Emily greeted them. "Hope you're hungry. I got us a lot of pizza."
"My favorite," Jack said.
"Dig in."
Hotch approached her as the boys picked their slices.
"Thanks for having us over."
"Of course," Emily said. "Nate wanted to hang out, and we all have to eat, right?"
"Right."
He moved closer. "You look good."
She flushed and thanked him.
"How was your trip?"
"It was… fine, thanks. France is beautiful, and it has been a long time since I was last that far outside of Paris. It was nice."
She knew that Hotch was also silently asking about Val, but that would have to wait until after dinner since Nate didn't know of Val's existence.
"Oh, I almost forgot. I got you boys something."
"You did?" they asked, mouths full of pizza.
"I did. I'll get it for you after we finish eating."
"Sweet."
"Don't rush," she ordered.
Hotch passed her a plate. "We better eat before we have to start giving the Heimlich."
"Let's hope we don't get there."
"Best to be prepared anyway," he joked, happy there was no obvious tension between them.
He did notice, though, that she was trying her best not to show how she was feeling and that made him want to ask about what happened in France. Did she tell Val about the kiss? Did it end for them as badly as it did for him and Robin? He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to know everything, and as they ate, he found himself staring without realizing it.
"Stop," she whispered.
"Stop what?"
"You're staring Hotch, trying to read me. Stop. We'll talk soon. There's no need to profile me."
"I wasn't."
She rose an eyebrow and quirked her lip.
"Ok… I was. Sorry."
"You guys are being weird," Nate pointed out as he came closer to them to get more pizza.
"We're not," Emily insisted.
"You kind of are," Jack agreed with Nate.
"Thanks for the input from the peanut gallery," Hotch said, "But we're not being weird. We're just having some grown up time."
"You mean sex?" Nate asked and Emily nearly choked on her pizza, coughing and fighting for air.
"You're ok," Hotch said, tapping Emily's back. "Drink this. It will help with the scratchy feeling."
Emily took the water and sipped once the coughing died down. She found herself wondering if she heard what she thought she did.
Clearing her throat, Emily asked, more like choked out, "Why would you ask that, Nate?"
"Isn't that what grown up time is? Jack said…"
Both adults looked to Jack with a narrowed gaze, bringing a flush to his cheeks.
"…that when grownups say they need grown up time or alone time and disappear into the bedroom together, then they're probably having sex."
"Oh Jack…" Hotch mumbled.
Hotch looked over to Emily. She looked flustered and just about ready to cry. It had been a long day for her and now it was getting a whole lot longer. The sex talk was not something she was prepared to have yet, not one beyond what she and Nate already had about where babies came from and how he was created. The intimate details of sex were something she hoped could wait at least until he started his first health class or hit puberty.
Hotch, witnessing Emily's plight, took the lead. "Jack, I know we've had the sex talk and you learned about it in health class, but what did you tell Nate about it?"
"I already told you," Nate said. "That grownups have sex when they're alone together. Is it fun? Will I like it when I'm older?"
"Just kill me now," Emily groaned and then sighed. "Alright. I guess we're doing this now." She looked to Hotch to see if he wanted to stick around for the conversation. He nodded for her to go on.
Abandoning their food, Emily began to talk. She told the boys that they could ask questions and she would do her best to answer, but she felt incredibly unprepared for this conversation. First, though, she asked what they knew about sex.
"You told me it's how babies are made. When people have sex, a man gives his sperm and a mom gives an egg and that makes a baby," Nate said, before his eyes wrinkled as he thought about it. "So, if it's only for making babies, did my dads have sex?"
"Oh my holy fudge," Emily was practically whimpering.
"Deep breaths," Hotch told her.
"I'm sure they did Nate," she said.
"So, two guys can have sex?"
"Yes. As can two girls," Hotch said.
Jack felt as uncomfortable as the rest of them, but Nate was curious and his questions dug deeper.
"So you have sex with girls too, Mom?"
At a loss for words, she stuttered to get an answer out, finally settling on, "No… I… See, sex is… I… Unlike your fathers, I'm not gay, so I don't have sex with other girls…"
"But you do with guys?"
How was she supposed to answer that and keep her dignity?
"I… Yes?"
She looked to Hotch for help, desperate for some relief.
"Sex is a normal part of adulthood," Hotch explained.
"So you do it too?"
"Yes," he answered, watching as Jack shrunk into his seat.
"With girls or boys or both?"
"With women."
Jack blew a breath. He had no desire to know about his father's sex life and while he might be a little more interested in Emily's – he was a teen boy after all, he was concerned that they were possibly having sex together and he most certainly did not want to hear about that.
"But I thought sex was for babies? Did you both only have sex once? And Mom, you told me I wasn't made from you and Dad having sex. So where are the other babies?"
"Alright, Nate. It's clear that we – I – need to clear some things up with you. Yes, sex is often how babies are made. There are children who were made like you through doctors and procedures and there is absolutely nothing wrong about that." She wanted to make sure that he understood that. "But sex isn't just for making babies, and it doesn't always result in a baby either. It's something that adults do when they love each other as a way to express that love."
"Does that mean you and Hotch have had sex?"
"Please don't answer that," Jack pled, facepalming.
"Nate, you really shouldn't ask those things of people. We're talking about this, so I will tell you that Hotch and I have not had sex. We're not in a romantic relationship and, usually that is when two people choose to do that. In the future, asking someone if they had sex with someone else really isn't appropriate. Sex is a private matter and it's really none of your business."
"Ok… but then how does sex work? Is it fun? Is that why people do it when they love someone?"
"It can be fun when both people want to do it," Emily answered honestly.
The sheer amount of times she said the word sex in such a short span had her reeling. Why were they discussing this?
"How do you have sex?"
Emily swore that the acid in her stomach was revolting. Her body was unprepared for the stress of this conversation and now, it went a lot deeper into the mechanics of sex territory than anyone anticipated. Thankfully, or not, Jack, who wanted to check out of the conversation the moment Nate asked whether they were sleeping together, decided to put an end to this nightmare.
"People get naked and a guy puts his penis into a woman's vagina. That's how they have sex, and you'll learn all about it when you take 7th grade health."
The parents' looked to Jack with wide eyes and slacked jaws while Nate's own bulging eyes looked to them.
Innocently, he asked, "But doesn't that hurt a girl?"
Now all eyes moved to Emily and she did her best to explain that it didn't have to hurt as long as both participants were willing and ready.
They thought the situation was coming to a close when Nate suddenly asked. "But wait… How do two guys have sex when there's no vagina?"
Emily thought she might faint. She turned to Hotch with a desperate look and muttered, "Help me…"
"Well, Nate, they find a way and, perhaps your father would be more equipped to answer that for you," Hotch suggested. "Why don't you ask him next time you see him?"
"Ok. Cool. Good talk," Nate said, getting up. "We're done, right?"
"Definitely," Emily quickly answered.
"Can we have our presents now?"
"In a minute. Go clean up dinner first."
"Ok."
"Jack, go help."
"Anything to get away from here," Jack grumbled rushing out of the room after Nate.
Emily was still flabbergasted, wondering if that really happened and how that happened.
"Well, that took a turn…"
"A very unexpected turn," Hotch agreed.
"I don't ever want to do that again."
"You probably won't have to."
"I can only hope. If I knew that was what parenting meant, maybe I wouldn't have fought so hard for it."
"I doubt that."
"Yeah… I still would have… That was painful."
"You got through it."
"Thanks for the assist."
"Well, Jack's getting older, a refresher didn't hurt, especially not when he's already 'dating.' Plus, I'm glad I could help. You know that."
"I do."
"Should we get the boys their treats so we can talk?"
"Yes. Hang on."
Emily went to her room to grab the things she got for them. She bought them freshly made French candies from a little shop in Val's hometown as well as an assortment of macarons, plus a hand-crafted 3D puzzle of the Eiffel Tower, each a different color. They were just little things she thought they'd like. She also picked up the same for Henry and something a little more toddler friendly for Michael.
"Enjoy," she told the boys. "But don't eat it all now."
"We won't," Jack promised.
"Ok, then you guys can go eat and play video games. I know Nate wanted to show you his new one, Jack. Hotch and I will be in here… talking." She felt the need to add that in.
They took their treats and ran off, and then it was time for Emily and Hotch to finally talk.
"I'm exhausted," Emily admitted. "I feel like I need to bathe in a vat of wine."
"We can do this some other time if you want."
"No… No, we should talk, but I was serious about that wine. I picked up some from the duty-free shop on my way home."
"I'll have a glass."
Emily uncorked the bottle and filled their glasses as she started off the conversation with something light. She told Hotch that she ran in to Clyde while she was traveling. They usually have their weekly phone call when he was available, but this time he was just finishing up on a case and flew on over to visit her on her last day in France.
"It was nice to catch up with him," Emily said. "To actually see him in person. Can you believe he has a girlfriend?"
"Most people have relationships."
"True, and, I guess, he has always kind of been like me. Date once in a while, but once it goes past a couple of dates it becomes a relationship."
"Everyone does what works for them."
"Yup. Speaking of relationships… I had a run in with Robin this morning."
"Oh… What did she have to say?"
"Well, she told me that you told her about the kiss."
"I did," he confirmed.
"And that you were all mine now."
He didn't reply.
"I guess she didn't take the kiss well."
"No, she didn't. Did Val?"
"I'm going to wager he took it better than Robin, but no. He wasn't happy, obviously."
"Robin and I broke up. I think that was coming either way. I wish that I didn't hurt her because she didn't deserve that, but I think that we weren't growing as a couple."
"How are you doing with the breakup?"
"Fine," he said. "It's always sad, but it was what was best."
Emily nodded.
"What happened, Emily? Why did you leave like that and then ignore my calls?"
"I came to your apartment after I got back from dropping Nate off," she said. "Robin was there. She looked… happy."
"And that's a problem?"
"Not in itself, no, but… I don't know Hotch. It kind of made me feel like a complete ass."
"Why?"
"Well, for one, I went there to talk to you under the assumption that we were on the same page and then I see her there hanging out with you and Jack, smiling and happy… It was clear to me that you two hadn't talked and that maybe we weren't on the same page… I…"
She didn't want to say what she was thinking. She didn't want to say that she saw a happy Robin kind of staking her claim on Hotch and it made Emily feel insignificant, like the other woman being cast aside when she was there to tell him that she felt something.
"I guess, I saw her there and thought what are we doing? We were hurting them and I just… I didn't really know what to do. I knew you had to do your thing and I had to talk with Val. Seemed like a conversation I needed to have in person."
"In any of this, did you ever think to ask me what I wanted or what I felt?"
"Every time you called, or I picked up the phone and thought about calling you," she answered. "Every time I replayed your message."
"I replayed yours too," he confessed. "I didn't understand what I did wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong."
"Obviously, I did. I had to if you said that I made it clear that I wanted to be with Robin."
"Well, Hotch, you invited her over knowing that I was going to stop by, and she looked pretty happy to me, so it wasn't like you broke up with her. That appeared pretty obvious to me."
"No, you assumed things. You assumed that just because I didn't tell her that I wasn't planning to when the truth is that I just wanted to talk to you first before I did anything with her, and I didn't invite her over. I told her that I was home safely, and she came. I didn't want to just kick her out. What was I supposed to do?"
"I don't know. Honestly, I don't know anything about this situation. I've rarely had friends growing up and the ones I did weren't ones I could remotely see myself with. I don't know how to act here."
Admitting that there were feelings, he thought, was at least a step in the right direction.
"I'm not ashamed to admit that I wanted more. I liked our kiss… all of them, and I wanted to figure out what we were both feeling because I could see more with you. We already have more, but you said that we were a victim of proximity and that was the only reason we were feeling what we were feeling. Yet, I still don't know how you were feeling."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does to me."
"No… It can't," she said. "Here's the thing, Hotch. I know I love you. I may even be in love with you… I don't know. What I do know is that I love Val. I love him, and I love you, and it's confusing. But he is coming back to the states soon, and we're going to talk. He wants us to try, and I need you to let that happen. If I don't let this play out, I… I need to know how this ends. I'm not asking you to wait for me. That would be unfair. What I'm asking for is the freedom to do what I need while I give you the freedom to do what you need."
"I already did what I needed."
"We hurt people, Hotch. We hurt them and we hurt ourselves. I'm so confused all the time and my head is fighting a war of feelings. I don't want to lose you, I know that, but I don't know what I can give you right now because I'm so conflicted. I've never cheated on anyone, especially not someone I love. Honestly, I wasn't sure I believed that you could have real, honest feelings about more than one person at a time."
"I didn't either."
"So, I need to repair my relationship with Val because I need to sort through my feelings. I don't want to string either of you along, but I need to figure it out. I just… I don't want to hurt either of you."
"I get it, Emily. I want you to figure it out too. If we do anything… I don't want you to be confused. I don't want you to doubt anything."
"But I feel horrible… About Val, about Robin, about your breakup."
"Don't. I'm ok with all of it. I regret how we made them feel and I don't particularly like being the bad guy in our scenario, but I wouldn't change what happened. It made me see what I needed to see. Robin is out of the picture. She and I are better off that way. I can't force you to dump Val, and I wouldn't. I need time to mourn my relationship. That's only natural. Maybe in that time, we can both figure out where we hope to go from here. Even if, for you, that's with Val."
"Why are you such a good guy, Hotch?"
"I think I'm going to attribute that to my mother."
"She raised a good one," Emily said.
"For the record, Emily, I chose you, or I would have if I was given the option…" because I think I just may be in love with you, too.
He omitted the thoughts at the end, not wanting her to feel pressured. She would discover her feelings and he would readjust to the single life again. That was how things had to be for now, but he was hopeful. They were both confused, but both hopeful.
"Jack and I should get home. I'm glad we talked."
"Me too," Emily said, standing and approaching him. "And I'm sorry."
"Don't be."
"This can't be how you wanted this to go. I'm not even sure this is how I wanted it to go."
Actually, he thought, that was exactly how he wanted it to go. She admitted that she had real feelings of love for him, love beyond what they had already shared for years. It was love beyond friendship. That was all he needed from this conversation. She was confused about it all. Honestly, so was he. They had known each other for years and, while there was always the kinship and love, these deeper feelings came out of nowhere and neither knew how to react.
It was messy, but sometimes messy was good. It just needed to be cleaned up a bit. They had to work through their confusion. Hotch started to do that. Things with Robin helped clear it up. Now, he would wait for her to find that with Val while he used that time to understand how the feelings came about, look back and see where they started. Were they always there, he wondered. While it didn't matter, he had some time to figure it out.
If she wanted to see where things with Val went, he would give her that because he meant what he said. When, not if, they got together, he wanted her to be sure. He wanted her to have no doubts and no regrets. That would make things better for both of them.
So she needed time and he had it to offer.
They hugged goodbye, a hug that lingered a bit too long. There was an unspoken gratitude passed through. Hotch all but told her he'd be waiting for her.
"We'll talk soon."
"Definitely," Emily agreed.
Hotch and Jack left, and Emily was now physically and emotionally spent. She could have slept for a whole week, but that wasn't an option. They had a lot to do in the last bit of summer because soon, a whole week had gone by. Things were normal. Hotch and Emily fell into their normal routines.
The school shopping was done, class schedules came in, and the end of summer was upon them. Now the boys went back to school. Val also returned. He took a later flight than he initially told her, and she worried when she hadn't heard from him as planned, but he surprised her by popping up at their usual lunch spot during her free hour.
He popped up with a bouquet of flowers and a smile.
"We will try again. We will be better," he told her, bringing a smile to her face. "But if we do, I need you to be all in. I need to be a part of your life, that means knowing Nate like you know Madelaine."
"I can do that," she said. "We can."
Whether or not that was true had yet to be determined, but they were going to try.