Chapter 57: The Present
He got down on one knee beside her and held out a box.
"Marry me. Move to Bordeaux, you and Nate, and be a family with me and Madelaine."
Emily was stunned silent. He wanted her to move to France and marry him? What? How did they get to this place?
"Emily," he said. "Will you marry me?"
"Val… I…" What the hell, she thought. She put her hands on his arms, got him up off his knee and sitting next to her. "This is crazy. We haven't been together that long. It hasn't even been a year."
"I know that. I know it hasn't been that long, but I love you. You love me. We can give our kids a happy family. That's all I need to know."
When she didn't say anything, he became nervous.
"Am I wrong? Do you not love me?"
"I love you, Val."
"Do you not see a life for us together?"
"I do… It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"Is this what you really want?" she countered. "Do you want to marry me?"
"Yes. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want it. I can picture every day of our life together, learning how to be one family. I could help you teach Nate French. We could take him fishing in that special spot I showed you during your visit. Madelaine could teach him piano if he would like. We could have meals together, start over somewhere fresh where all our baggage is behind us."
He continued to paint a pretty picture for her, but it all sounded too good to be true.
"I… I love you Val, and I love the future you have in mind for us. It sounds perfect…"
He spoke before she could continue. "Then let's do it. Let's get married. We can do it soon here if you'd like. Move at the end of the semester. We could sell my house and start fresh."
Emily bit her lip, feeling tears form as she shook her head. Quietly, she said, "I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for marriage."
Defensively, clearly feeling the sting of rejection, he asked, "You don't wish to be married? Or is it that you don't want to be married to me?"
"I would love to get married someday."
"To Hotch," he argued.
She sighed and protested. "It's not about Hotch. This is about us, where we are at in our relationship, and about what you're asking of me."
"I don't understand."
"These last few months have been… Well, they've been up and down and that's putting it mildly. It's been hard."
"Relationships can be hard."
"Yes, they can. We've been fighting… a lot."
He couldn't deny that.
"Sometimes it feels like you haven't truly forgiven me for kissing Hotch."
"I have."
"If you have, things between us wouldn't be so different. We're both trying, I know, but it's not the same. I love you Val, but we're not the same."
"We can be better together."
"Maybe, but these last few months have been hard. I hurt you."
"You did."
"But it felt like it changed you a little too. It changed things between us."
"You cheated, Emily. That's why things changed."
She looked away ashamed. Yes, she cheated. It may have only been a kiss, but it was a kiss with someone that wasn't her boyfriend and hurt him.
"That doesn't give you the right to pick arguments and become possessive."
"I have not." His voice rose and he went off on a defense that felt a lot like he was listing reasons why it was her fault.
"You're doing it right now," she whispered.
He got back down on his knees in front of her, holding on to her hands. "I'm sorry… I'm upset. The woman I love is turning me down."
"This doesn't have to do with love."
"It does. It has everything to do with love."
"No… It has to do with where we are in our relationship. We're not stable Val."
"We can be. We can be stable and happy."
"Maybe. But we're not yet. Right now, we're on the merry go round, spinning in circles, trying to make things better, but, inevitably, we land back on the fact that I kissed Hotch, hurt you, and now you can't stand to be around him or even his son. No matter how what I did hurt you, the Hotchners are important to me and my family."
"I know that."
"But you don't accept that," Emily said.
He looked away. It was true. He tried his best to move past the kiss, and he did his best to be civil, but there were moments when all he wanted to do was punch the guy…
"Moving to a new continent and putting distance between us and our problems won't make them go away. You still don't accept things. You still haven't forgiven me."
"I'm sorry."
"I know. I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't want to lie to you about the kiss and I didn't want to lose my friendship, but I was asking a lot of you to forgive me and accept his presence all the time."
"I tried," he said, moving back to the spot next to her.
"I know." She gave him a sad smile. "But even if our relationship issues weren't a factor, I couldn't say yes."
"Why not?" he asked, heartbroken.
"All that aside, I can't pick up and move to France, and that is what you need of me."
"Why not? What is stopping you?"
"My son, for one."
"I want him to come too. I've gotten to know Nate, and while my parenting may be in question because my daughter's recent behavior, I've been a good father. I could be a father to him."
"But he has a father," Emily said. "I can't move him to a country where he doesn't know anyone or speak the language. James is here. I can't take Nate from his father and I can't be out of his life again. I can't do that to any of us."
He came to a realization that Emily had come to long before. "It was never going to end the way we hoped, was it?"
Emily shrugged.
"I wish I knew, Val. But right now, I can tell you no. You need to be in France to support your daughter, and I need to be right where I am to support my son. Our lives are incompatible now."
"I wish they weren't," he said, putting his forehead against hers. "Because we could have had an amazing life together."
"We could have," she agreed, the tears flowing now. "I really wanted that."
"Me too."
They stayed like that for a long time, hands clasped, foreheads together.
"I'm sorry," Emily finally broke the silence. "I'm sorry that I can't marry you."
"I am sad, but I understand. I rushed because I'm afraid to lose you, but I already have."
"No," Emily tried.
"I have. I lost you the moment you kissed him."
"No…"
"Yes. I know you love me, but I think you love him too. I just don't know if you know it yet." He smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes, his own forming. "I also know, you would have settled for me."
"I wouldn't settle for you. I love you, Val."
"But you would have left the feelings for him aside to try to find happiness with me, just as you have been."
"We've been happy… Most of the time."
"Not always. We deserve always."
"This hurts," Emily said. "It hurts so much."
"For me too. I want to marry you, Emily. So much. But you are right. I can't ask you to come to France. That is not fair to your son."
"I can't ask you to stay because it's not fair for your daughter."
"You would have made an amazing step-mother," he said.
"I think you would have made a pretty great step-father."
"I don't want this to be goodbye," Emily said.
It was easy to tell that their words were strained. Whatever hardships came in their relationship, it was hard to say goodbye, and that was what they were doing. They had to say goodbye because she was turning down his proposal, however sweet and misguided that was, and he was returning to his home. There was no chance at repairing the rest of the damage, and, while they would come to see that was best for them, it hurt. In the moment, it hurt a lot.
"I… I need time. This is… My heart has been broken. I am sad because the time we had together was great. Now it's over. You said no, and I understand. I just need time." He took a deep breath. "But maybe someday we can be friends again… or friends for the first time. Until then, I have Madelaine. I need to focus on being a better, more present father to her. I took the job here for the last two years thinking she was ok. She was grown and didn't need me, but I was wrong. We need each other, and I want to give her all I can."
"I'm glad you're doing this for her and for yourself. I think… I think it will be best for both of you."
A watery smile, he nodded. "I'm only sorry it took us to this point. That it took me so long to see her pain."
"She didn't want you to see it until she did. That's not all on you. Teenagers are… complicated."
"I'm going to be better for her. I'm going to see her more. I am excited for that."
"I'm excited for you," Emily said, running her hand over his back lovingly. "And if you ever need my help or if she needs anything, don't be afraid to ask me. I… will always care about you and her."
"I feel the same about you and Nate."
Emily took a shuddering breath. "I'm not sure how much longer I can do this without really crying." She sniffled and stood. "I think… I think it's best I go now."
He stood in front of her, taking her hand to keep her from running.
"Wait. Please."
She paused.
"I should say I'm sorry as well," he told her. "For the way I have acted recently. A part of me has been holding on to the pain of knowing you kissed someone else. Feeling like I wasn't good enough. I resented that you ruined a great relationship. But it wasn't ruined. I forgave you and then I was slowly ruining it."
"No…"
"I was angry and sometimes I couldn't let it go. But I was happy with you. I wanted everything with you."
"I did too Val."
"But I think… I think our lives were always moving in opposite directions. You traveled everywhere and were meant to settle here. I still want to travel and must return home."
"We love each other, we're just not compatible anymore," Emily agreed. "We're both going to be ok… Eventually."
"No crying," he told her, kissing her cheek. Whispering, "I love you, Emily Prentiss."
"Je t'aime aussi, Valentin Moreau. So much."
"Can I call you? Maybe months from now. Maybe years. To see how you are. Where you are. If you are happy."
"Only if I can call you, too."
"I'd like that."
"Take care of Madelaine, and take care of yourself, Val. Thank you for a wonderful few months."
"Thank you, Emily."
The two just hugged, holding on to each other, and savoring their last moments together because once Emily walked out, she wasn't coming back. In a week's time, she would show up at his office to find a new teacher there, his classes taken over, and his apartment cleared out.
While she didn't know that then, she knew it was goodbye, and so did he. He was going to miss her. He was going to miss the late-night calls, the ability to be vulnerable with her, and the times they spent joking around in French waiting to see if anyone around them understood.
"Goodbye, Val. Be well."
"Be happy, Mon Coeur."
Emily bit her lip, kept her head down to hide the tears, grabbed her purse and left. She stayed in her car for a few minutes until the major tears passed enough for her to safely see and drive.
When she got home, she was thankful Nate was with James. She needed to wallow, and she needed to wallow alone because it was ugly and messy and just not good. She cried, mourning what could have been and the loss of a great man that she hurt, but who she had never been set on.
Perhaps that was what bothered her most. The whole thing hurt. She truly loved him, but there were moments when she felt disconnected from their relationship, like it was so much work. She wanted to put in the effort and wanted it to work. Timing and circumstance made that an impossibility, or, rather, made it a possibility that neither of them were willing to compromise to reach. Maybe it wasn't even about compromise. It was that their needs, the important priorities in their lives, didn't overlap.
It was the right decision to end it. Marriage would have been forced. Neither of them was there yet, and if they were honest, they probably wouldn't have ever gotten there. The life courses they were travelling weren't on a collision course.
Still, she mourned. She immediately missed the comfort of knowing he was there even if he wasn't there, that she could pick up the phone and call him so they could talk about nothing… It was something she'd later realize was also part of what she missed about Hotch when they took a "break" or put distance between them for their relationships' sakes.
The first night was the worst. She did nothing but cry and binge on junk food, ignoring the outside world. When Nate called, she did her best to cheer up her voice, but even he could tell something was wrong.
"Are you sad?" he asked.
"I'm fine, bud. No worries."
"Do you miss me?"
"Always, Nate."
"I'm sorry. I miss you too."
"I know. Don't worry about me. Have fun with your dad and I'll see you tomorrow."
"Ok. Love you. Night, Mom."
"Love you too. Goodnight."
Hanging up, Emily went back to her wallowing. She took a long bath, soaking with a nice glass of wine and a book she hoped would keep her mind occupied. It didn't. She got through one or two pages, but that was all. Getting out, she got in her pajamas and spent the rest of the weekend in bed until it was time to get Nate.
Seeing him eased the ache. Nate was medicine.
He excitedly greeted her and told him all about how he and James picked out a car. He even showed it to her. Being around him, spending time with him, was her saving grace. That was until midweek when he came home from school and asked if Val was coming over.
"He hasn't been here in a while," Nate said. "But he was helping me with something."
"He was?" she asked, confused. She didn't know anything about that. "What was he helping with?"
"It's a surprise."
"Oh… It's a surprise for me?"
"Yes."
"I…" She had absolutely no idea how to explain a breakup to Nate. "I will see if he can still help you with that, Nate, but… But I don't think we'll be seeing much of Val anymore."
"Why?"
"Well, you see… Val and I are no longer a couple."
"You broke up?"
"Yes," Emily said.
"Did he do something wrong?"
"No."
"Did you?"
"No… It's nothing like that, Nate. Sometimes adults break up. They're not meant to be together and they split apart."
"Oh… I'm sorry."
"I'm ok, Nate, and you have nothing to be sorry about. We're just… Val is moving back to France soon," Emily explained.
With a face that could only be described as a mix of sad and perplexed, Nate asked, "So, I'm never going to see him again?"
"I wish I could give you a definite answer, but all I know is that, for right now, no, we're not."
That conversation upset Emily, but she resolved to reach out to Val for the sake of getting Nate closure. They had theirs, but Nate needed some too. So, when she knew the break in their schedules overlapped, Emily headed to his office.
That was when she learned he was already gone. The woman there instead told her that she was a last-minute hire because the previous professor, Val, quit. He had a family emergency, but Emily knew the excuse was twofold. Yes, he wanted to get back to Madelaine as quickly as he could, but the semester was three weeks shy of being over. He could have waited. She drove by his apartment anyway. It was abandoned. Furniture was still there and there was a box marked with her name on it, but his clothes and stuff were gone.
At first, after learning that he was really gone, she broke down. It made everything feel more real. She had to tell Nate that Val had already gone back to France. He sadly asked who was going to teach him French.
"Is that what Val was doing?"
Nate nodded. "He was teaching me some things so we could sing a French song for you. I already learned the music on my guitar."
He sounded sad and mournful.
"What did he teach you to say in French?"
Nate fumbled the words a bit, but managed to tell her, in French, that he loved her and was going to play a song for her.
"That was very good Nate."
"No, it wasn't."
"Yes, it was. It was so good. I know the surprise is ruined, but I can teach you French. I can teach you the song. Val must've given you the sheet music, right?"
"Yeah."
"Then we can do it."
"It's not the same."
"I know, and I'm sorry. It wasn't fair for it to be this way, but let's make the best of it. I can talk with your music teacher if you want. We can teach you more international songs."
"Cool," he said, lackluster.
"It's ok to be sad that he's not here with us, Nate. I'm sorry that this is how it turned out."
"I… I really started to like him."
"I know… I'm sorry. But we'll make the best of it, alright? I can sing, and I can speak French, so everything he was teaching you, I can take over. We'll make it a family thing."
"Ok."
"In the meantime, ice cream?" she asked, hoping a bottomless bowl of fatty cream and deliciousness would offer them solace.
"Yes, please!"
"Come on. I can use some extra fudge. What about you?"
"And whipped cream."
"And whipped cream," she confirmed.
They ate their feelings, and they had no shame in that. One splurge wasn't going to kill them, and it was a moment for them to just not worry about anything. They ate and watched Nate's favorite TV show before she sent him to brush his teeth and get ready for bed.
Alone in her room, she sent a text to JJ asking her if they could meet up.
Immediately her phone rang.
"Hey," Emily answered.
"Don't 'hey' me. You never text me late at night asking to meet up on a Thursday. What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"Emily," JJ's voice was chastising.
"Val and I broke up."
"Oh no. I'm so sorry. What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it over the phone. If you can't meet tomorrow, that's ok. I know how the BAU is and then you have to get home to Michael and Henry."
"Em, stop. I can meet tomorrow. Will's working, though, so I'll have to bring the kids."
"How about I come to you then? Nate won't mind a playdate."
JJ said that would be perfect before asking, "Are you ok?"
"I'm… sad."
"I'm sorry. I promise we'll talk all about it tomorrow."
She wanted to know the story.
"I'll pick up food on my way over. Text me what you want tomorrow."
They set a time.
"Em, I'm really sorry, but everything will be fine."
"I know," Emily said. "Thanks."
When they met the next day, Emily's emotions shifted. The longer she stewed and the more she explained, the sadness grew into something different. She just became angry. She was angry at him for up and leaving. Yes, they were broken up, but that didn't mean that a continent needed to be put between them without warning.
"That wasn't fair of him to do to Nate. I talked with Madelaine. I tried to help her. The least he could have done was meet with or call Nate and explain why he couldn't help him anymore," Emily ranted.
After explaining the amicable break up and just everything that had been happening, JJ comforted her. But then she explained last night, and the anger just came at full force.
"I agree. That wasn't right."
"Now what do I do? He's hurting, and… I can't really make it better."
"Em, sit down," JJ said. "Sit down and look."
Emily sat beside her and looked where she instructed. Nate was helping Michael build a block city to go along with the skyscraper Henry was putting together, a bright smile on his face.
"He seems ok to me."
Emily sighed. "He does…"
"It's ok to be angry. It's like the stages of relationship grief."
"Maybe… But… I don't think I'm even angry at him. I'm ok with the decision to break up. There was love between us, no doubt, and maybe I could have pictured a life with him, but marrying him would have, in the end, made us both miserable because one of us would have had to sacrifice major parts of our lives. I'm just… I'm angry at myself."
"Why?"
"Because I put us in this position."
"How?"
"I'm new to this whole parenting thing. I hid Nate away and wouldn't introduce him to Val for so long because of this very reason. Even if I got hurt, I didn't want it to touch him."
"Sounds like you've got a better handle on the mother thing than you thought."
"Maybe, but I still let this happen. I… I had my doubts," she admitted. "After… After the kiss, I had my doubts about our relationship, and I still introduced them. That was on me."
"Don't be so hard on yourself."
"I think I need to be because Nate has been through enough already. I won't be the cause of anything else happening."
"Em, you're doing a great job with him. He's amazing. Problems like this teach them and help them grow. Plus, he has you and a whole lot of friends and family to make him feel better. He won't be scared by this."
"How can you be sure?"
"For the exact reason I just said. People will come and go, but he has a support system and you have given him the stability to move on."
"It sucked to see him so sad."
"It always does. He'll get over it, and so will you."
Emily nodded.
"Maybe you'll even get over it with Hotch…"
"JJ…"
"Seriously. I didn't ask too much about the feelings behind the kiss when we were with Pen, but you can talk to me."
"It's too soon to even think about any of that," Emily said.
This immediately spurred JJ to ask, "Does that mean there's something to think about?"
"I don't know…"
The answer, though, was yes.
That was something Emily would think a lot about over the coming weeks, especially with the holidays. Thanksgiving came and went the following week. James was spending it with Nate, just the two of them. Dave was off on a trip to Italy while he worked on another book. JJ and Will took the kids to see her family. Everyone else was having a get together at Derek's. She was invited but opted to have a lonely Thanksgiving.
It turned out not to be so lonely. Hotch, who was supposed to be at Jessica's with Jack, made sure he stopped by after dinner with a piece of pie and some leftovers for her.
"Where's Val?" he asked.
"In France," she told him, not mentioning the breakup.
"You could have come, you know?"
"I do know, but Jessica and I… we're not a match made in heaven."
"She would have been fine with it."
"I doubt that, but we'll never really know."
"Guess not. When does Nate come back?"
"Tomorrow. It's my weekend with him. James wanted to have a holiday just the two of them."
"Nice of you to let them."
"I thought so. It also means I have leverage to get more time at Christmas which I prefer anyway."
"Sneaky."
"Well, I was a spy."
"And you were good at it."
She leaned on the edge of the island and took a bite of the pie, moaning.
"Oh my god. That is so good."
"I knew you'd like it. Jessica's mother-in-law is a baker. That's her specialty."
"I could eat this every day."
"You'd end up with diabetes."
"Worth it," she said, moaning as she took another bite. "What are you and Jack up to the rest of the night?"
"He stayed at Jessica's. Cousin bonding time."
"That's nice. Would you… Would you like to stay? I'm just watching old movies. We can finish up these leftovers and see what movie marathon to jump on next."
"Are you sure Val won't mind?"
He knew the guy still had a problem with him.
"Val's not a problem," she ominously responded.
"Then yes."
He just ran to his apartment to change into something more comfortable than his dress shirt and slacks before they bunkered down on the couch with a smorgasbord of food and movies. They talked. Emily didn't tell him about the breakup. She did enough talking about that with JJ and she didn't want to discuss it with Hotch. Not yet. She just wanted to hang out, completely carefree, for a while. There was nothing wrong with that.
Emily brought up Christmas. Now that Thanksgiving was pretty much over and her mother was returning from a trip overseas, Elizabeth asked Emily to spend Christmas with her. And by that, she meant come for Christmas Eve and stay for the next day. Since Nate had informed her he knew Santa wasn't real and, therefore would not be looking for their place to deliver presents, she saw no problem with that.
Elizabeth also said the invitation was open to any of the team saying, "They're your family as much as I am. Invite them to come. If they have plans, then there's no pressure, but I do need a head count at least a week before. We can do a Christmas Eve dinner and if anyone would like to stay, they're more than welcome to."
Dave already said he was coming, as did JJ, though she and Will would not be spending the night. Santa still came to their home. Derek was off to Chicago and taking the boy genius with him, stating that he needed some family love after his mother's latest episode. Penelope was jealous of that, but excited for another Ambassador sponsored event.
"Should be a full house, but fun, for sure," Emily said.
"Jack and I were having a solo Christmas, but I think he'll enjoy that more, so count us in," he told her.
"Great."
Plans were settled, and they went back to their relaxing Thanksgiving night, just the two of them, practically cuddling on the couch. Though, both were careful not to actually cuddle. When both were starting to doze off, Hotch decided to go back to his place, thanking Emily for the evening.
"No, thank you for food and company."
"You're welcome," he said. "Night, Em."
"Night Hotch."
It was a goodnight too, and it was the first time she fell asleep without problem since the breakup. She felt good. But there weren't any other nights like that before Christmas.
The holiday season was in full swing and incredibly busy. Between all the kids' school activities, cases, and coursework, everyone was occupied. Then there was Christmas shopping and planning. It was a mad house. Once the semester was over, Emily had a little more time, but she still had to work on getting grades in and helping Nate out with his school's holiday bake sale.
Screw the PTA, she thought. She couldn't make it to one meeting and she got stuck making the crap no one else wanted.
"Nut free, gluten free, sugar free… There is no joy in these cupcakes," she said, looking at the sad batter.
"Do we have to do this?"
"Yes. I was volunteered by that bit- evil woman who doesn't like me very much."
"Why?"
"I don't know," she quickly answered. "It's not important."
Nose scrunched in disgust, Nate asked, "Do we have to eat this?"
"Absolutely not."
"Good."
Their treats were… edible and pretty but that was about all they were. They didn't have much to work with, but they were happy when it was over.
It brought them one step closer to their winter break which really couldn't have come soon enough. That was when their Christmas shopping was put into full gear. They had a lot of people to buy for and not a whole lot of time to finish their list. Not to mention that Emily still had to finish her Nate shopping with James so that neither of them bought him the same things.
It was crazy, and no one saw much of anyone else for those few weeks outside of work. Thankfully, things slowed down enough the week of Christmas. Derek and Spencer were heading off to Chicago and, per Nate's request, stopped by the apartment for dinner and so Nate could give them their gifts.
Emily warned them, "He picked out the gifts himself. Pretend to like them even if you don't, please."
They didn't have to pretend. Nate's gifts were kind of selfish in that they were picked out with the guys in mind, but also thinking of ways he could spend more time with them. Spencer was one of the first of his mom's friends that he got to meet, and he hadn't spent a whole lot of time with him since. So he picked out gifts that could force it without really forcing it.
Both guys told him that if he wanted to hang out, all he had to do was call them up.
"Really?"
"Of course, kid. You're family," Derek said.
That was all Nate really wanted to hear. It seemed like, since the breakup, he wanted to be closer to the other guys in Emily's life, but they really hadn't had the time.
Still, the awesome presents weren't turned away either.
Emily also found it nice to spend more time with them. More often than not, aside from the occasional pop in, the only time they hung out was in a group setting. She missed the more intimate one on one or smaller gatherings.
"Thank you guys so much for coming."
"No problem, mama," Derek said. "Anything for you and the kid."
"Yeah. He's smart. I like playing chess with him," Spencer said. "Hopefully one day I'll get him good enough to beat you."
Emily smiled. "He already beats me… I let him."
"For real then."
"Maybe someday."
"We should do this more often," Derek suggested. "Maybe I can take Nate to the gym one day, teach him some boxing."
"I think he'd love that. That would be great Derek."
"We'll set something up once the holidays are over."
"Me too," Spencer said.
"Sounds good."
Emily wished them safe travels and a Merry Christmas before they left. They were hopping on a plane in the morning and that would be the last they'd see them until New Year's.
The days following were filled with last minute wrapping and planning. James was coming with them, now. Emily couldn't say no when he asked about holiday plans. At first, they were going to split it. Emily was going to have Nate on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, while James got him in the afternoon. But plans changed, and, for Nate, it worked out better.
He was so excited when the day finally came. Jack and Hotch drove over to Elizabeth's early with them. They unloaded presents and offered to help with meal prep, but Elizabeth didn't need any help that night. She was cooking Christmas dinner for the family who stayed over the next day, but had a chef for the evening so she could better attend to her guests.
It was a fantastic chef, too. Everyone happily sat down to a five-course meal that not one person, kids included, left finished. By the end of dessert, they were so stuffed that they were all ready for bed. But they couldn't forget the presents.
"I don't think I can move from this table," JJ huffed, leaning back into her chair and patting her stomach. "I'm that full."
The all commiserated, except the boy with the bottomless pit of a stomach. Henry brought comedy to the moment by asking for a second dessert. The answer was no, but they all enjoyed the laugh.
"Present time?" Elizabeth asked. "Before the kids get too tired."
"Absolutely."
Though Elizabeth made it clear no one was to bring her presents, they still did, mostly just hostess gifts that would come in handy. Still, they wanted to give her a small thank you for the dinner and even the vacation they had over the summer. So, they didn't listen and bought things anyway.
Elizabeth bought all the kids something and gave spa days to the women. The men were a little more difficult but, with Emily's help, she was able to pick things out for them that they appreciated. No one was happier than the children, though. Nate and Jack didn't get their presents from their parents or Elizabeth because they were saving those for the morning, but there was no lack for gifts.
Watching Michael tear through the wrapping paper was a riot, but the present exchange left a mess.
"Can we help clean up before we head home?" JJ asked.
"No. Thank you," Elizabeth said. "We can take care of it."
"In that case, I think we're going to go. I have two boys eager for Santa to come."
"Merry Christmas," everyone said, seeing the LaMontagne family off.
Dave and Penelope were spending the night and helped with the cleaning before they helped themselves to an extra beverage or two. Elizabeth showed them to their rooms. Soon, the boys were in bed, most of the cleaning was done, and only a few were left awake.
"Do you need any more help?" James asked.
"No. Go on to bed," Emily said. She had sent everyone to bed. The mess was mostly cleaned and would hold over until more was added in the morning.
"Ok. Thanks for letting me come."
"No problem, James. Nate was happy you were here."
"Night."
"Night."
With everyone in bed, Emily went out to her car to get the presents she left behind earlier so she didn't have to do it in the morning.
"Looks like we had the same idea," Hotch said, sneaking up on her.
She jumped. "Don't do that."
"Sorry. I saw you come out here and figured you could use some help. I left some of the presents in the car too."
They chatted and carried the presents in.
"Val and I broke up," Emily spontaneously stated as she observed the, once again, full Christmas tree.
He already knew.
"I'm sorry."
Emily could tell that someone spilled the beans.
"It's ok because I learned something about myself and about things in general."
"What?"
"Having kids really changes the way people live. I know Nate changed the way I live," she said, "I've always lived selfishly."
"I don't believe that," he said, watching her move away from the tree and next to him on the couch.
"No, it's true. I lived for myself. My choices were mine alone and for me only. I didn't have to answer to anyone. If I wanted to be in a relationship, even one that was messed up, I could without worrying about the cost to anyone else. I jumped in, just like I jumped into danger. But now… Now I choose everything with Nate in mind, and I think that's why I picked Val. He was the safe choice."
"What do you mean?"
"Choosing a relationship with Val was… less complicated. If I let him in and things went wrong, I'd have been hurt, and, yes, Nate could be too, he was, but it would be a clean break. We would heal and move on. But with you, no matter the feelings, it was a risk. Allowing the change in relationship had the potential to rip some of the stability I built for Nate away. If we broke that barrier, there was no going back. It was giving in to a potential fantasy with potential for great harm as well."
He nodded in understanding and said, "So you gave Val a try."
"I did. It was great while it lasted, but the relationship had an expiration date. I loved him. I gave him my heart, but he was always going to go back to France to his daughter, and I was always going to stay here with my son. I think a part of me always knew that. But I also knew, subconsciously, that no matter how amazing he was or is to me, he'd be easier to lose than… than you."
"I… felt similarly with Robin…"
"It wasn't really fair of us, was it?" she asked. She wasn't planning on having this conversation with him now, but she went for it anyway.
"Fair to be in relationships?"
"Fair to make them believe we were on the same page, that we wanted the same things."
"Maybe at the time, we thought we did."
She shook her head.
"I always knew what I wanted," she said, scooting closer and turning her body to get a better look at his face. "Did you?"
"Yes," he admitted.
"Do you want to know what I wanted?"
"Yes," he repeated.
"You."
He moved to speak, to tell her that he wanted her too, but she stopped him.
"Do you want to know what I want now?"
"Tell me."
"I want to not be afraid anymore. I want to be selfish."
"I want to be selfish with you," he said, leaning forward, fervently bringing his lips against hers.
This wasn't like the chaste kiss they shared under the mistletoe, urged on by their family. It was altogether wanton and passionate, months in the making.
"How selfish are we going to be?"
"Very," Emily said, lips just barely moving away from his as she pushed him up off the couch. "I want to be very selfish with you."