Chapter 3

Becca's POV

"It's not much." Chloe says as she opens the door to her apartment. I step in and look around, and the first thing I see is a wall full of pictures from college with the Bellas- competitions, vacations, random group pictures. I then look into the living room to see a small couch and a flat-screen TV on the wall.

"No, I like it. It's cozy." I say, and I mean it. At least I won't get lost here. I walk over and flop on the couch, taking my jacket off and laying it across my lap.

"Oh, well, good then." She responds and sits next to me. We sit in silence for the longest time, and my brain wanders. I can't believe I'm actually sitting next to her again… I've spent the past year trying to get over her, and now, seeing her again? Everything's going straight down the drain. The pain I've always felt somehow feels even sharper, like it's trying to fix my dysfunctional heart or something.

"How bad was it?" Chloe finally breaks the silence, whispering as if she's almost scared to ask.

"It wasn't just drugs." I say after a minute, sighing. "It was alcohol too… and sex." I start picking at my fingernails nervously, too scared to see the look on her face.

"Oh, Beca…" She leans over and hugs me, and I find myself leaning into her, sobbing. I don't mean crying, either. I mean full out sobbing, the snotty, loud, unattractive type of crying. She pulls me closer to her, and I bury my head in her shoulder, unable to stop myself at this point. "Hey… it's ok…" she rubs my back in soothing circles.

"No it's not. I destroyed my life!" I cry out, backing away enough to look at her.

"No, Becs, you didn't." She tries to comfort me, but it doesn't work. Not even for a minute.

"You don't get it, Chloe! I risked everything, and for what? Just to…" I trail off, catching myself. She can't know I love her.

"Just to what?" She asks, frowning a little. I pull away and cross my arms, looking away from her and at a wall.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter." I say. Gosh, if any time were a good time to have a drink, now would really be it. I can feel my hands shaking a little, but I ignore it, hoping Chloe won't notice it.

"It matters to me." She whispers, and my heart twangs with pain.

"I don't wanna talk about it." I say, risking a look over at her. She gives me a small, sad smile and nods.

"Ok, I get it. Just… open up at your own leisure." She says, still smiling, and I nod.

"Thanks, Chlo."

"Anytime, Becs." I lean back into her shoulder a little, and she wraps an arm around me quietly.

We lay like that for the longest time before my stomach suddenly growls. Chloe jumps at the noise, and we both burst out laughing.

"Jumpy, much?" I ask, playfully shoving her arm, and she whacks at me.

"Kinda." She admits shyly, and I laugh again. "Hey, is pizza ok for dinner?" She asks, and I nod.

"Yeah, anything is fine, really." I say, and my stomach rumbles again. She pulls her phone out and messes with it for a minute, then puts it to her ear.

"Hi… yes, my name's Chloe… a large Hawaiian… 376 Elmer Street.. that's all, thanks. Bye!" She hangs up, then laughs at the look of shock on my face. "What?"

"I can't believe you remembered my favorite pizza." I say, unable to stop the smile forming on my face.

"It's been twelve years. I can't forget." She chuckles.

"Dang, I can't believe it's been that long…" I sigh. Where does time go? Like, honestly?

"Yeah, and you still put up with me, so…" She looks at me with a bemused expression on her face.

"You're not half bad." I joke, and she laughs again.

"Nah, you aren't either." She agrees, and I lean back on the couch again. "Hey, your hands are shaking. You ok?" Crap.

"Yeah, it's just kind of cold." I half lie- I am cold, but it's not why I'm shaking.

"Oh, here. I always keep this here just in case." She reaches back behind the couch and hands me a purple, worn out blanket. I take it gratefully, covering up with it and sitting on my hands.

"I needed an escape." I blurt out at random, shocking Chloe and even myself. "I needed a way to get out of my head. That's why I did it." I mumble and look down, ashamed in myself.

"What's so bad in your head you needed an escape from?" She asks after a minute, and I sigh. I can't tell you. I can't.

"Uhh, lots of things." I try to stay evasive, but I don't want to lie to her, either.

"Like?"

"Like… feeling terrible about what I'm doing, but not being able to stop. Like worrying about music, and if I'm even good enough to be making music." I list a few things that certainly contributed to my problem, but aren't the main reasons why. You're the reason why. Because you're my everything, but we will never be anything.

"You are good enough to be making music, Becs." Her hand lands on my shoulder, and a tingling sensation flows through my back. I can almost feel what her fingertips would feel like against- stop that. Even as I try though, the image still pops up in my head- of that one experiment we had all those years ago. She later told me it didn't mean anything, but it did to me. "Your first album had over 3 million sold copies!"

"How did you know that?" I ask, shocked. Her face goes from proud to… almost guilty.

"You're my best friend, Beca." She whispers, which jabs my heart again. The doorbell suddenly rings, making us both jump. "I'll get it." She sits up and opens the door, exchanges a few pleasantries, pays, then walks back in with a box of pizza.

"Finally, food!" I exclaim as she sits next to me again, placing the pizza on the couch between us. I grab a piece and immediately bite into it, the warm grease flowing through my mouth like paradise. Quickly swallowing, I take another huge bite, then glance up to see Chloe staring at me. "What?" I ask, and a small piece of cheese falls out of my mouth.

"When was the last time you had pizza?" She asks, ignoring the cheese I quickly shove back into my mouth. That could've been embarrassing.

"A really really long time ago." I say, then add in a voice meant to sound like Theo's, "'We don't eat rubbish when we're rich.'" This gets her laughing, and I laugh too.

"Did he actually say that?"

"No, but it wouldn't surprise me if he ever does in the future. He kind of acts like he's better than everyone, although he works for me." I say.

"That's a little weird." Chloe comments, nibbling daintily at her slice of pizza. The way those lips work… "Can't you tell him to stop?" She adds, drawing me out of the perfect memory.

"I guess I could… but I… never had the time." I say, dropping my gaze yet again today. Chloe must've noticed, because the next thing I know, her hand is under my chin, and she's forcing me to look at her.

"Stop that. Quit punishing yourself." I open my mouth to protest, but she cuts me off. "Don't say you aren't, because you are. I know you, Beca Mitchell. Don't try to fool me."

"Fine, yeah, I'm punishing myself. I deserve it though. How else am I going to get over this?" More like, how else am I going to get over you?

"With help, Beca! That's what the Bellas are here for. That's what I'm here for!" She shouts, and I flinch back, shocked. "You can't do this alone." She adds in a softer voice, looking me deep in the eye to where I can't bear to look away.

"I never thought I could, Chloe. Jeez." I stand up and start to walk away, but then realize I don't know my way around. "Where's the bathroom?" I ask, keeping my back turned to her.

"Down the hall, first door on the left." She sighs. The sadness in her voice makes me want to turn around, to apologize and tell her I'm just some idiot… but I don't. I need a place to think. Following the directions, I go into the bathroom and shut the door, the tears already flowing down my face.

"Why?!" I cry quietly, sitting on the toilet and burying my face in my hands.

"Beca, please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you." Chloe's muffled voice flows through the door, and I sigh, my voice breaking three times in the process. "Are you ok? Can I come in?"

"I just need a minute, ok?" I say, my voice raising an octave at the end of the sentence.

"Ok." I wait until her footfalls fade away, then start crying even harder. This is why I took the drugs. This is why I drank. This is why I fucked everyone I could. To get away from this shit.