Chapter 13
Beca's POV
"Beca, I can't keep doing this!" Chloe suddenly yells, causing me to jump slightly. "I love you to death, but I can't bear to see you miserable for another minute."
It's been three months since I had my miscarriage. For the first week, Chloe took work off to spend time with me. I did nothing but cry and sleep that week. After that, things have been… dead. I fell into a routine; breakfast, clean, dinner, clean, go to bed, wake up, same thing over and over. Chloe used to try to get me to do things with her, but she eventually gave up. She still holds me every night, and she still hugs me tightly when I wake up crying, even though it happens every day now. She kisses my forehead every night, but never my lips. I'm grateful for that. I know I'm hurting her as it is, and I'd never be able to find the willpower to kiss her back.
After a week, she went back to work. She has someone different stop by to watch me everyday except Wednesdays, when she stays home. The hardest days are when Emily comes over, because she was there when it happened. She brought Benji over one time, to talk to me, but I threw a fit and wouldn't calm down until he left. I haven't seen him since then. He said he was upset, but I'm not sure… he got over it.
I gave up on my career. I can't focus on anything anymore. I listen to what people say to me, but I don't actually care half of the time. My whole world has been turned upside down, and I don't know how to carry on…
"Are you even listening to me? You've been scrubbing that spot on the table for the past twenty minutes!" Chloe's voice floats back to me, and I look up in her direction, looking at the wall behind her. I can't look at her, or I'll lose it. It used to scare her, how I'd start crying for seemingly no reason. I could see it in her eyes.
"I'm listening." I mumble, then look back down and scrub the table even harder. Chloe grabs the brush out of my hand and chucks it across the room, causing me to jump again.
"I'm not going to watch you suffer any longer!" She yells, a tear coming down her face. Shit. I never meant to hurt her… I realize she's staring at me expectantly.
"I'm fine." I lie, turning to retrieve the brush, but she grabs my arm, stopping me.
"No, you're not." She says, lifting my chin up and forcing me to look at her. "You're mentally killing yourself, Becs. You hardly eat, you sleep all the time, you never leave the house, you never talk to anyone… I'm worried about you. You don't make music anymore. You love music." She sighs. "I know you're upset about what happened, but you can't beat yourself up over this."
"Fine. I'll go out. But you know what the saddest thing is?" I ask, my temper flaring. She flinches with shock- I haven't given an answer of more than two words since my tantrum at Benji. "The saddest thing is that, when I first found out the baby d-died, I felt relieved. Relieved, Chloe! I was happy my baby died!" I yell, the tears streaming down my face. "So yes, I can blame myself for this! Obviously, I'm upset the baby's gone, but I hate myself for being happy about it!" She gapes at me in shock, and I pull my arm away and walk out the door. She yells something behind me, but I ignore it as I run into the parking lot and collapse on the ground, curling into a ball and sobbing.
As I lay on the ground, I think of my life. Not only the past three months, not only the past twelve years, but my whole life. I remember when I first fell off my bike at five years old. I remember the first time a bully hit me when I was eight. I remember my parents' divorce when I was thirteen. I remember going through junior high, and how everyone laughed at me. How no one cared enough to talk to me. I remember coming home every night, locking myself in my room, and crying myself to sleep.
I remember when I cut myself for the first time. I was fifteen, and Jace, the school bully, had made fun of me for being short. It was a small thing that I was used to, but I went over the edge. I sat in my attic with a knife and slashed at my wrists until blood was dripping down my arms. I then curled into a ball and sobbed until my dad found me. He took me to the hospital, and I clung to his chest the whole time as the doctors fought to get me in a hospital bed to give me stitches.
After that particular day, Dad made me go to therapy. Of course, it didn't help, since I refused to talk to anyone. Since Mom and Dad's divorce, I shut everyone out. I didn't let anyone in.
That all changed in college. I met Jesse, then I met Chloe. I didn't realize that what I felt for Chloe at the time was love, but I realized that I was falling for Jesse. It scared me at first, but then I let him in. I fell in love with him, and he did me, somehow.
We broke up after we graduated. I moved to LA, and he moved to Wisconsin. We tried to do long-distance, but it didn't work. He found another girl and moved on, and I had never felt more hurt and alone in my entire life. Once we broke up though, I realized that I was in love with Chloe. Learning this scared the shit out of me. I already knew I was bi; I was comfortable with that. I was scared of getting hurt again. I turned towards drugs and alcohol to cope with my fear, knowing I couldn't get hurt during the times I was able to leave my head. It was fun at first, but I got seriously addicted to it. I started having sex soon after that, and my life spiraled out of control.
Then I overdosed, which is probably the best thing that happened to me. To find out that Chloe loves me too… but honestly, was it worth it? If I was just going to go through everything I've been through since I started my career, was it worth it?
I rub the scars on my wrists as I think of all of this. I'm doing nothing but hurting the people I love. But I can't hurt people if I'm not here… the idea strikes me like lightning, and I stand up and walk over to Chloe's car. I pull on the door, but it's locked. Giving up, I turn and start walking down the street slowly, toward the car rental shop.
"I need to rent a car." I say as I walk up, The guy double-takes when he sees me- probably because I'm a mess.
"Uhh, sure. What kind?" He stutters, recovering a little bit.
"Any." I shrug, and he walks off, beckoning for me to follow. He points at a Challenger, but I shake my head. "No convertibles." I say, and he just nods and brings me to another car. It's so old and rusted I can't even tell what it is.
"Perfect." I say. "I don't have money, but can I pay when I return it?"
"Sure. Let me just get your name and phone number…" I give him the information as we go back to the office, and he hands me the keys. "Alright, it's $100 an hour, so don't be out too long." He says, smiling politely.
"Oh I won't." I smile and walk towards the car, inwardly laughing at my own twisted joke. I get in and pull out of the parking lot, then drive to the gas station. When I pull into one of the parking spaces, I park and climb out, not bothering to lock the doors. A woman holds the door of the building open for me, then double takes when she sees who I am. I ignore her reaction and walk in, grabbing a bottle of Aleve on my way to the liquor part of the store. I grab the hardest scotch they offer and walk over to the counter. As the guys rings me up, I see some rags, so I grab them too and throw them on the counter.
"That'll be $15." He says, then looks up at me and gasps. "Y-you're Beca M-Mitchell." He breathes in awe.
"Yup, that's me. Hey, I forgot to grab my wallet, so could I pay with a selfie instead?" He nods immediately, and I jump over the counter to stand next to him. We take the picture, then I grab my stuff and walk out. I hear the guy scream behind me, and it makes me laugh a little. I get in the car and drive off to a deserted road that I know is about five minutes away. I park in the middle of the road and pull my phone out, sighing.
Chloe… I type, a tear falling down my face. I'm so sorry, but I don't know what else to do. I know I'm hurting you, but I can't stop it. I shouldn't exist in this world. I don't deserve you, and you definitely didn't deserve me. You were always too good for me; I realize that now. Just do me a favor; don't blame yourself for this. This is completely me. I know I'm breaking my promise, but… just know I love you. Always.
I hit send, then shut my phone off, not wanting to see her response. I know it'll make me think if I do, and I don't want to think. I shakily open the bottle of Aleve and tip all of its contents in my mouth, then chase it all down with the scotch, chugging the whole bottle. I then get out of the car with the rags and stuff them in the muffler of the car.
I close all of the doors and windows as I climb back in the car, and I start the engine. I lean back and close my eyes as the carbon starts to fill the car. The drugs and alcohol start to kick in, and I find myself laughing as I start gasping for breath. It's such a funny way to die, in a car as you're high off your face…
The last thing I think about before I close my eyes for the last time is Chloe. I hope she doesn't beat herself up over this…
"I love you." I whisper, then close my eyes as I prepare to take my final breath.
"Beca? Beca, please wake up!" A sweet voice pulls me out of my dream. For the first time in a long time, it was a happy dream. I was in a car, falling asleep to the smell of carbon… a rap on the window causes me to jump, and I open my eyes, seeing I'm in a car- the same one from my dream, actually- with an empty bottle of scotch on my lap.
I start to gasp for air as I realize I can't breathe, and I struggle to open the door. I still feel weak though, and I keep missing the handle.
"Get out of the way!" The sweet voice yells again, and I do so when I realize it's Chloe's voice. Her voice clears my head a little, and I climb into the passenger seat. The window suddenly shatters with a deafening crack, and Chloe's hand grapples for the handle. She quickly finds it and opens the door, then leans in and grabs me, pulling me out. I try to stand, but I immediately collapse. My eyesight starts blurring in and out, and there's a stabbing pain in the back of my head.
"Beca, stay with me! Beca!" Chloe leans over me, her voice fading in the blackness that starts to surround me. "BECA!"
"She's going to live." A deep voice whispers.
"Really? Oh my gosh, thank you so much!" Another voice responds, and I immediately recognize it as Chloe's. She laughs in happiness, and something squeezes my hand- hers, I'd presume. I squeeze it back, and she gasps. "Beca?"
I open my eyes, then immediately squeeze them shut again against the glaringly bright lights. I reopen them slowly this time and look at Chloe. A tear goes down her cheek, and a giant smile spreads across her face.
"Hey, babe." I whisper, and she leans down to kiss me. I comply and kiss her back, but she pulls away much too soon.
"Why the hell did you do it?" She whispers, anger flashing in her eyes.
"I thought you'd be better without me…" I regret saying this as soon as it's out of my mouth. She looks down, more tears falling down her face, and she pulls her hand away from mine.
"This is my fault. I tipped you over the edge when you were obviously hurting…" She stops talking as she's overcome with emotion, leaning forward and placing her forehead against the bed rail, sobbing.
"Hey, this isn't your fault." I say, grabbing her chin and making her look at me. I wipe her tears with my thumb. "This is completely my fault. I overreacted." She glares at me, so I amend. "I wanted a way out."
"You could've just talked to me."
"I know, but I'm weird about that stuff." I say, and we both smile as we think of the last time we had this type of conversation. "How did you know where I was?" I ask, suddenly remembering how she saved me.
"Lucky guess." She chuckles humorlessly.
"Super lucky." I smile and pull her closer to me. She buries her head in my shoulder, and I wrap my arms around her waist. "I love you." I whisper.
"I love you too."
They let me go back home after two very long days. Chloe and I are in her Jeep, heading home. Chloe's hand is on my knee as I drive.
"Hey, can I borrow the car for a little bit?" I ask. I have an idea that I want to act on as soon as possible, but I need a method of transportation.
"What do you plan on doing?" She asks, the tiniest bit of suspicion in her tone. It slightly annoys me, but I also can't blame her.
"It's a surprise." I look over momentarily to make eye contact with her, and I smile. She relaxes a little when she sees the pure, true happiness in my eyes.
"Fine, but nothing stupid, Mitchell, you hear me?" I laugh and nod, and she laughs as well. "I'm trusting you."
"Good. You'll like this surprise." I can feel my grin growing as we pull into the parking lot. I stop the car, but don't park it as I give Chloe an expectant look.
"Now?" She whines, and I nod. "Fine." She pretends to pout and gets out of the car. I wave when she turns around, and she waves back, her pout disappearing and being replaced with a smile. I pull out my phone and bring up Emily and I's text messages.
I need your help. I text her, and I smile as I watch her start to type a response.
"Thank you so much!" I hug Emily as we get back to the apartment complex.
"Oh my gosh, Beca, don't thank me. She's going to love it." She hugs me back. "Good luck."
"Thanks!" I pull away and walk into the building, practically running up the stairs. I pull the apartment door open and shut it behind me, falling into it as I gasp dramatically for air. I then notice Chloe watching me with a bewildered expression.
"Hey babe, come here before I chicken out of this." She walks over to me slowly, obviously confused. I meet her in the middle of the kitchen in my impatience, and I grab both of her hands.
"Chloe, you are… well, words can't really describe, but I'll try anyways. You're perfect. I know it sounds cringy, but it's true. You've been there for me, no matter what, even if it hurt you in the process. You never gave up on me, even when I started avoiding you. You were the first to offer to help me, and you were the first to recognize I was crying out for help. I owe you my life, and I hope that what I'm about to do will, not only pay you back, but will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know it will be for me, as I can't imagine life any other way. I can't imagine life without you." I smile and get down on one knee, and she gasps as I pull a ring out from my jacket pocket. "Chloe Beale, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
THE END... OR IS IT?
Hey guys! We finally did it, that was the last chapter! Thank you to everyone who has read this and stuck with it the whole time! I would like to personally thank my reviewers, especially RJRMovieFan. I know this chapter flew by, and a lot of stuff happened in it. I apologize for the quickness of it, but I wanted to keep the element of surprise in it.
On that note, I do have some good and bad news: Good news, there will be a sequel; it'll be called "Forever". Bad news: I can't start publishing it yet. I'm starting school here soon, so I'm going to take a couple of weeks to get back into the routine. Hopefully, I'll start posting it by the end of September.
Thanks again for reading, reviewing, and favoriting this story! I love you guys so much, and please leave a review and let me know how my first fanfic went. Tell me what your most and least favorite parts were!
Until next time, my friends. ; )