Bella had imagined confronting Jacob more than a few times over the past six months, but none of the speeches she'd practiced seemed apt just now.

She stared at him in open-mouthed silence as Sam handed him a bundle of clothes. Jacob dressed quickly and sat down on the log across from her. He sat hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees. He stared into the fire, his expression pained. Bella noticed that he had grown much larger and more muscular than he'd ever been when she'd known him. His new human physique was really only a minor detail at this point, though. Her mind raced, choking on the surreal.

Jacob is a wolf. Jacob. Is a wolf. Some magic wolf creature thing, and that's real, magic is real, that just happened, I saw it…

For a few moments, no one spoke. The fire popped and hissed. Finally, Bella broke the silence.

"Does that hurt?"

Jacob looked up at her.

"No, not really," he said. "It feels strange, a little scary at first. Takes me a minute to figure out where I am when I change. It doesn't hurt, though." He spoke rapidly, nervously. Bella studied him.

"When?—" she started, then stopped as the realization hit. "Charlie."

Jacob nodded. "Yeah. That was the first time, but I could feel it coming on for months, ever since David was born. I just didn't know what it was. I thought I was going crazy."

Bella looked away, ran a hand through her hair.

"Damn it, Jacob. Why didn't you tell me? I know I was a mess, but I could have, I don't know. Maybe nothing. But you should have told me!"

Jacob glanced at Sam.

"I wasn't allowed to tell you."

"What?" Bella said, looking around at Sam and Billy. "Why not? I had a right to know this!"

Billy answered her.

"Bella, we're only allowed to share this knowledge within the tribe. If you and Jacob had stayed together, it would have been different, but…"

"…but I wasn't going to do that to you," Jacob said, his voice breaking. "You'd been through too much. You were already too hurt by everything else. David, Charlie... I couldn't be the one to hurt you more."

"Do you think that your leaving didn't hurt me?" Bella said, almost shouting. "I buried my father, and then you—you were just gone. And I felt so worthless. Like everyone else could see how empty I was now. It was like there was nothing left of me that was worth anything to you. How could you do that to me?"

"You don't understand, Bella," Jacob said. "It would have been so selfish, and so dangerous, to try to stay with you after I changed." He looked at Sam, a question in his eyes.

"Yeah, go ahead and tell her," Sam said, tipping back the beer he'd brought out with him and taking a drink.

"Emily… She didn't get hurt in a bike accident."

Bella looked confused for a moment, then horror slowly dawned on her face.

"Sam…" she said, looking at him, trying to believe it.

"I was the first one," Sam said, not meeting her eyes. "The first wolf. I had no idea what was going on. The older men in the tribe knew the stories, a couple even believed them, but none of them had ever met a living wolf warrior. No one could tell me what to expect, or how to control it. That took months for me to figure out. And before that, just once, Em and I were fighting, and I was too close to her, and started to change, and couldn't stop it. She's… She's lucky she wasn't killed."

"Oh god, Sam," Bella whispered, shaking her head. "Oh, god."

He didn't answer, just took another drink.

"It's different for everyone," Jacob said. "It's been tough for me, getting it under control. The others think it's because of my grief over losing David, and losing you."

"We could have talked about it," Bella said. "I don't know for sure, but maybe we could have figured it out. We could have tried, at least."

Jacob shook his head.

"It's not just the wolf physically hurting you that I was afraid of, Bella. There was so much more, stuff you never signed up for. I had to come back to La Push, for one thing. I'll probably need to be here for the rest of my life, so I can be with the pack."

Bella glanced at Sam.

"The pack? How many of you are there?" she asked.

Jacob shook his head again.

"I'm not allowed to tell you that. Just about me, and Sam said I could tell about him, too, to help you understand. But I can't out the other wolves."

"Because I'm not part of the tribe."

Jacob gave the smallest nod.

"There's another part of it you need to understand," he said after a moment. "And this is part of Sam's story, too. You remember, before Sam married Emily, that he was engaged to someone else?"

"Yeah, of course," Bella said, glancing uncomfortably at Sue. "Leah."

Bella remembered the breakup. It had been sudden, and nasty. It had been years before she'd seen Sam and Leah near each other without hostility, and even now, a thread of tension lingered between them.

"I never intended to leave Leah," Sam said, picking up the story. "We were happy. We were fine. The wedding was only a few months away. The dress was in our closet; I still remember it." He cleared his throat before going on. "Then Emily, Leah's cousin you know, came into town to do some wedding shower planning stuff with her. And… You have to understand, it wasn't infatuation, Bella. It was like a switch was flipped, or a cord was cut. I don't know. The world didn't work the same way for me anymore. I looked at Leah and still cared about her. I still loved her. I didn't want to hurt her. But Emily… My wolf recognized her. Knew that she was the thing in the world I was meant to live for. The deepest, most primal part of me, something I have no say in… It just knew. She was my gravity. I can't choose not to fall back to earth when I jump, and I can't choose not to live for Emily, and only for her. It's that powerful, and it's that simple."

"It's called imprinting," Billy said. "There are old stories about it. We didn't realize it was literal, though. We thought that maybe the wolf warriors just have stronger emotions after they change, and the stories were speaking in metaphor. But then it happened with Sam, and then some others, and it became clear. It's part of the magic. A wolf can imprint at any time, and we can't predict it, and we can't control it. And once it happens, they'll never be able to live for anyone else."

Bella understood what they were telling her.

"And Jacob hasn't imprinted on me," she said. Tears gathered behind her eyes. She begged herself not to cry in front of them, not to humiliate herself that one step further.

"No," Jacob said, wiping at a tear that had run down to the end of his own nose. "I wanted that, so much. I came to you, that first night. I made Sam wait. I stood in the bedroom, you know, in the apartment. You were sleeping. You didn't wake up or move… Renée's pills, I guess. And… There was no big revelation. Nothing changed for me, inside. I wanted it to, Bella. Because if it had, then I could have asked you to come with me. I could have talked myself into it. I could have been just that selfish, and asked you to change your whole life because of what I am. But it didn't. And I can't be with you, knowing that any day I could turn a corner and meet someone, and have it happen with them instead."

Jacob went on. "But I still needed to tell you what happened. I wanted you to understand why I had to go. But it was too dangerous for the tribe, they told me, for someone outside my family to know about us. And Sam's the pack alpha, and when he tells me to do something, or to not do something, I can't disobey him. Physically, I can't. It's, like, part of the magic; it sucks so much. And they wouldn't let me tell you, just because they were afraid, but they don't know you the way I do, Bells. I knew we could trust you, that no matter how mad you were at me, you wouldn't try to hurt the tribe. So, I got around Sam's orders. I waited at David's place. I knew that you would come back one day, so I waited there, every day, for weeks. Because I knew that, once you saw me, they'd have to tell you, and then maybe you'd be able to understand. Maybe you'd forgive me."

Jacob moved from his seat and came to sit beside her. He took her hands in his. Bella looked down at their joined hands. Tears ran freely down her face.

"They didn't understand that, as far as I'm concerned, you're already in the tribe, Bella. You can't be my wife anymore, but you're David's mom, and you always will be. That doesn't go away. And, I just had to tell you that I'm sorry. You're a good person. You don't deserve any of this. And—" His voice broke on a sob. He swallowed it back and continued. "I would change it if I could. I've wished so many times that I could just give it back, and not be the wolf anymore, and just go back to my stupid job in Seattle, and that little apartment with you. Even when we were fighting, even when you were so sad and it felt like I just made it worse—I was never going to leave you. I wasn't. That's why I showed you. That what I needed you to know." He put his wet face against their hands. "I'm just so damn sorry."

There wasn't much more to say after that. Bella sat and cried with him for a few minutes, until she was able to speak again. She asked a few more questions. She wondered how Jacob had known so much so quickly, how he was able to know that first night that becoming the wolf would mean leaving her. Jacob explained that the pack was telepathic with each other when they were in their wolf form, and that Sam's thoughts had informed Jacob quickly as to the life that was before him.

Sooner than she would have imagined, Bella's questions dried up. Billy and Sue began to shift in their seats, their bodies betraying their desire to leave the dying fire and find their beds. Just when it seemed that Billy would speak, call an end to the evening, Bella thought of one other thing.

"Wait, you said that the Quileutes turn into wolves when the tribe is in danger from those monsters from the story, the blood drinkers?"

"Yes," Sam said. "Being around them wakes the wolf."

"So, they're here, then? In Forks?" she asked. "Are they killing people?"

"There isn't a lot I can tell you about that, Bella," Billy said. "The blood drinkers have been in Forks, but we don't believe there is danger to anyone right now. It's… a special situation. And we're bound not to speak of it."

"Not outside the tribe, right?" Bella said sharply.

"Yes," Billy said.

Rage churned in her stomach.

"Tell me one thing, Billy," Bella said, her voice shaking. "If David had lived, would I still be considered part of the tribe?"

He didn't answer. She nodded and stood.

"Alright. Okay, I get it," Bella said. "My son doesn't count because he died. You just erased him, your own grandson, and me with him." She turned to Jacob. Her voice softened. "Thank you, for the truth. I wish I'd had it sooner. And I don't know if forgiving is something I can do, or if doing that that even makes sense with something like this, but I can say this to you. I do understand why you did what you did. And I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for all of this, for both of us. Rosalie was right. It really is pretty much all shit."

Sue startled. "Rosalie Cullen?" she asked.

Bella ignored her.

"I'm going home," Bella said. The cold had seeped into her; she felt exhausted, old. She turned to where Jacob still sat on the log, his arms wrapped around himself; he looked miserable and somehow small. "Jacob, I'm going to need some time. But you're right. We have a son together, and that doesn't just go away because he's not here anymore. Maybe, when we're both ready, we could talk about him together." She turned to Billy. "If you don't consider me one of you, after all these years, everything we've gone through… Then I accept that. Don't call me again, and don't come around my house. I'm finished with you, with all of you."

She walked away from the fire and didn't look back.

Bella had to pull over twice on the drive home when her angry tears blurred her vision too much to see the road. Jacob had tried to stop her from driving, but she'd shaken him off. It was far too late for him to try to take care of her.

The second time she stopped, she opened her car door, leaned out, and was violently sick.

Shock, she thought. It's just too much.

By the time she got home, she was shaking from head to toe. It was so cold, even in the house. She felt as though she'd never be warm again.

She walked upstairs on trembling legs and started running hot water into the bathtub. While it was filling, she went and found her purse. She rifled through it for a few minutes, then gave up and dumped its contents out on Charlie's couch. She saw what she was looking for then among the gum wrappers and Chapstick tubes, a translucent orange prescription bottle with no label.

Bella had taken the pills Renée had given her for a couple of weeks after Charlie's funeral, after Jacob had left, when there was nothing in the world anymore but Bella and the beige walls of the apartment, and her endless, poisonous thoughts. The pills had given her back the sleep she'd been missing so badly, and more besides.

Bella had come to know the process well. A half hour or so after she swallowed the little white tablet, the world would become soft, and somehow easy. Her terrible thoughts would quiet themselves. The first few nights, she'd lain down right away and went right to sleep. Soon, though, Bella found that, if she tried to stay awake, she could hold that false peace inside her a little longer, even in the waking world. She would wander through the apartment, maybe take a walk outside, feeling as though she were as light and inconsequential as a half-filled helium balloon. Sometimes she would take out David's pictures and just stare at them. She would cry then, but it didn't hurt. His little face was just as lovely in this half-waking world as it was in the real one.

She'd stopped taking the pills when she'd realized that she was forgetting the next day the things she'd done the night before after taking the medicine. She would see David's pictures spread out on her coffee table but couldn't recall taking them out. She would find text conversations with Renée that she didn't remember having. And a fear took hold of her: the fear that these stolen hours of peace were being bought at the price of her memories. Memories were all she had left of David, and no night terrors could make her give them up.

Those concerns seemed very far away tonight, though. She shook a round white pill out into her hand, and after a moment's hesitation, shook out another. She swallowed them both dry and hurried upstairs to the bath, pulling off her clothes as she went. She couldn't remember ever having been so cold.

She eased into the steaming water, her heart pounding, every muscle taut as she waited for the medication to start to work. I just can't do it, she though. Not tonight. Her baby was dead and her dad was dead and there maybe was some higher power in the world (a possibility she'd discarded the day she had watched her son's ashes blow away from her on a gust of wind), but that higher power wasn't on her side. It had taken her husband, changed him, and hadn't even had enough mercy inside it to bind him to her. The world had stolen everything she had, everyone she loved, and there was nothing left for her. There was nothing left to her, nothing but this tearing pain.

It's just too much, she thought. I just can't do this.

She breathed slowly, listening to her heartbeat in her ears as the minutes passed.

Finally, she felt her body start to relax. The sadness quieted, became less like acid inside her, settled into a simple hollowness in her breast. It would be okay, she thought, if it was just always like this. If I just had to be empty. I could do that.

The water felt wonderful; her terrible chill was gone. The furnace switched off, and the house was suddenly as silent as a tomb. The only sounds she could hear were the occasional dripping of the bathtub faucet and the whistling of the wind in the pines outside. Familiar sounds. How many times had she fallen asleep to the song of that wind?

I should get out now before I fall asleep, she thought, closing her eyes. Her head slid a little lower where it rested against the porcelain edge of the tub. The water covered her ears, and then her flushed cheeks. The universe softened, and then softened more.

Strong arms jerked her forward, pulling her head out of the water. She opened her eyes slowly and saw Edward Cullen. He was holding her up by her arms. He looked terrified and furious.

"Bella!" he cried, giving her a little shake. "Wake up!"

"It's okay, Edward," she said, her words slurring. "I'm warm now." Her eyelids started to droop again.

Edward made a frustrated sound, then moved with impossible speed. In an instant he had her in his arms and out of the water. Bath water soaked them both. Bella closed her eyes.

He looked around for a towel, and finally found one hanging on the bathroom door. He grabbed it on his way out of the bathroom. He carried Bella to her bedroom and sat her down carefully on the edge of the bed. She swayed a little, but managed to stay upright as she looked at him looking at her.

Bella was aware that she was naked but was unconcerned. She watched Edward's face as he toweled her off, starting with her hair. She felt a little bit like a child, but didn't mind.

"Am I bad, Edward?" she asked suddenly. "Do I deserve bad things?"

After all, wasn't that the question all along? The question upon which everything else depended?

Edward's hands froze. He looked her full in the face. His expression, a moment before full of fear and anger, softened into something like worship. He opened up the towel and wrapped it around her, pulling it closed under her chin. He reached forward and put his hand on her face, cupping her cheek gently. He leaned forward for a moment, and she wondered if he was going to kiss her. He did not.

"No, Bella," he said. "You are not bad. What's happened to you is not your doing, and it is not because of who you are. You are extraordinary. You are lovely and brave. You are strong and loyal. You are worthy of all good things. Of only good things." He spoke without any doubt whatsoever.

She put her hand over his on her cheek, and after a moment, nodded.

The world around Bella was growing softer still. It was getting hard to hold her eyes open.

Edward took the damp towel off of her, his eyes darting down to look at her body for only an instant before looking carefully away. He pulled back her covers and, lifting her in his arms once again, eased her into the bed. He pulled the covers up over her and knelt down on the floor beside the bed.

He did kiss her then, once, pressing his lips against the wet hair that clung to her forehead.

"Sleep now, Bella," he said. "It will be better tomorrow."

She stared back into his golden eyes and saw only truth there.

She closed her eyes and slept.

I hear Facebook is a thing now. You can find me there as Bethesda Gray. I twitter a bit, too, bethesdagray.