12.
Jaina grunted as she slammed into the ground. Sabine had knocked her flat on her back—again. She was too slow to react, and Sabine pounced on her, pinning her. Her first instinct was to use the Force to push her off, but it was against the rules Ahsoka had recently laid out for their bouts.
The reason she gave was that Jaina needed to become a better fighter without using it, but Jaina knew it was just to make the fights more even. Ahsoka knew, as well as she did, that Jaina could end the fight very quickly if she was allowed to use the Force.
Sabine cocked her arm back and Jaina instinctively crossed her arms in front of her face. The punch never came. Instead, Sabine grabbed her arms and trapped them against her face. She quickly reached behind Jaina's head, securing her hold so she couldn't move. With her arms pinned and the full weight of Sabine's body on top of her, Jaina couldn't do anything but squirm as she tried to break free.
Keeping her arms pinned, Sabine slowly rolled Jaina over onto her stomach, trapping her arms underneath her. Jaina had no idea how to break free without using the Force, and she was rapidly growing angry. She tried to push herself up, but couldn't get any leverage. Grunting in frustration, she tried rolling from side to side, but Sabine was in full armor and too heavy to throw off.
Suddenly, Sabine's weight shifted and she saw her opening. With Sabine still on her back, she pushed up to her hands and knees…and immediately learned that was a mistake. Sabine deftly slipped one arm around her neck and the other around the back of her head and squeezed, cutting off Jaina's air.
Jaina violently rolled them both, throwing Sabine onto her back, hoping the force of it would break the hold on her throat. But Sabine's grip was like a vice, and all it did was put her in a better position to increase the pressure.
Sabine wrapped her legs around Jaina's waist, dug her heels into the insides of Jaina's thighs, and leaned back. Any leverage Jaina might've had from her legs was now gone. She frantically writhed and pulled at Sabine's arms, trying to find any way to break the hold, but it was futile. White spots swam before her eyes, and she quickly reached down and gave Sabine's leg two hard taps.
Sabine released her immediately. Jaina rolled over onto her hands and knees, coughing and gasping for air. She slammed her fist into the ground in frustration. Absolutely nothing was going her way today.
She'd woken up in a bad mood and the day had only gone downhill from there. She had no desire or motivation to train, and it was showing. This was the third match in a row she'd lost. And with each loss, her anger and frustration only increased. She looked up and saw Ahsoka watching her, the disappointment evident on her face.
She knew she needed to get control, but she didn't want to, not this time. The anger felt good, powerful. Normally, she'd force it down, swallowing it before it could build. But now, she let it flow through her. Her body responded instantly to it: she could feel it coursing through every cell, like crackling electricity.
Ahsoka was still watching her, and Jaina scowled at her, daring her to say something. She knew Ahsoka could feel her anger and she didn't care. She felt stronger than she ever had and was suddenly itching for a fight.
"Let's take a break," Ahsoka said. She turned and started toward the speeder that was parked at the entrance to the training area.
Jaina didn't make any attempt to move and continued to glower at Ahsoka's back. Sabine stood up and offered her a hand, which Jaina looked at and promptly swatted away. She didn't need Sabine's help to stand up.
"Fine, whatever," Sabine said, rolling her eyes. She turned and began walking towards Ahsoka and the speeder.
As Jaina watched her walk away, something inside of her snapped, and her anger spilled over. She stood up and reached through the Force; in one swift motion, she picked Sabine up and threw her as hard as she could into the nearest rock. Sabine crumpled to the ground and didn't move.
Screw the rules. She was going to finish the fight her way. She quickly strode towards Sabine, seeing with some satisfaction, that she still wasn't moving. She got no more than five steps before an unseen hand violently pushed her backward.
Stars exploded before her eyes and she felt a sickening crunch in her ribs as she slammed into something, hard. She fell to the ground and looked up; Ahsoka was now standing in a defensive position in front of Sabine, who was still lying motionless on the ground.
The look on Ahsoka's face was one Jaina had never seen before. Even in the haze of anger, it made her pause. A moment of clarity forced its way through, and she suddenly felt sick.
The vision. It was coming true. The exact thing she swore she would never let happen, just did. Her eyes flicked between Ahsoka and Sabine, and she shakily got to her feet. The anger was still pulsing through her, and before she could stop herself, she took a hesitant step towards them.
In an instant, Ahsoka's lightsabers were in her hands and ignited. Jaina froze, staring at her. "You don't want to do this." It was the same deadly warning Ahsoka had given her in her vision.
She hesitated for only a second longer, then turned and stumbled off towards the mountains. She had no idea where she was going or what she was doing; she just needed to put as much distance as she could between herself, and Ahsoka and Sabine before she made the situation worse than it already was.
She headed deeper into the mountains, winding her way through the narrow spaces between the rocks. She was in a daze, and the only thing she could feel was the anger still pumping powerfully through her. She'd managed to gain a small amount of control once she'd realized her vision was coming true, but that restraint was now rapidly slipping away.
Eventually, it broke completely. She stopped walking and screamed. It echoed loudly off the rocks but didn't satisfy her sudden need to destroy something. She lifted her arms out to her sides and reached through the Force, using it to push as hard as she could against the rocks.
She felt them move and pushed harder. Every ounce of her rage was fueling the powerful energy flowing through her. It was wrong—she knew it was wrong—but she didn't stop. Moments later, the rocks began to buckle under the pressure. A guttural growl escaped her lips as she pushed even harder. Nothing was going to stop her from destroying them.
As the satisfying sound of stone cracking and breaking started to reverberate around her, an image clawed its way through the haze of anger. Her eyes flew open.
"Emry! No!" Her focus wavered, then broke. She released the rocks and fell to her knees, panting. She tried to force the image from her mind, but it had seared itself there and refused to budge.
"No, no, no…" she mumbled. "What have I done?" The image of Emry dying by her own hands was instantly sobering. The full weight of what she'd done to Sabine came crashing down and waves of revulsion rocked her.
Sucking in deep breaths, she sat down, fighting the urge to vomit. The anger was still there, but the fight had gone out of her. She felt empty and very much alone. She closed her eyes and sat there, waiting for the anger to subside enough to try and clear her mind.
Ahsoka had lectured her countless times about losing control. About the constant tug-of-war between the light and the dark and how, if she wasn't careful, the dark could take over completely. The voice at the temple had gone even further and blatantly warned her that it was already starting to take hold. She'd listened to them both, but never truly heard them.
Until now. And her understanding had come too late, and with devastating consequences. Her temper had always been an issue, even as a child. It had had consequences then too, but once she joined the Empire, those consequences ceased to exist. There, anger was encouraged; it helped instill fear, and fear is what a loyalty officer thrived on.
But this wasn't the Empire and she wasn't a loyalty officer anymore. And if she wasn't careful, she was going to destroy everything she'd worked so hard to build over the last few months. She may already have. A line had been crossed and she didn't know if Ahsoka or Sabine would ever forgive her.
She couldn't go back to them, not yet. She was going to stay here, for as long as it took to figure out how to find the balance she so desperately needed. The anger slowly began to fade and finally, she was able to empty her mind. She sank into a deep meditation, letting its calming effect take over. But it wasn't long before she came face-to-face with her demons.
She'd tried so hard, over the years, to bury them. To shove them so far down she would never have to think about them, or what she'd done to them. But they had always been there. And now the Force was showing them to her, one by one, parading them in front of her like some evil slideshow.
She saw their faces, knew their names. She remembered each crime that the Empire had accused them of. And she could recall, in vivid detail, how she'd coerced confessions from every single one of them. The things she'd done in service to the Empire had been vile; they'd also been her duty, and she'd carried them out without question. Her loyalty to both her job and the Empire had been above reproach.
But after each confession, each time she'd crossed yet another line she'd told herself she wouldn't, the guilt, and regret, and self-loathing would build. Each time piling onto the last, eating away at her, until she became numb to the suffering she caused.
She couldn't remain numb to it any longer. All the guilt, regret, and hate she'd tried to bury bubbled up as she watched the memories flick by. And as they continued, she made herself a promise: she would never willingly allow herself to harm another being or cause them suffering unless it was absolutely necessary.
The slideshow ended as abruptly as it had started, and she was left with nothing but the emotional pain it had brought. It enveloped her, weighed her down, threatening to smother her completely.
"Let go." The gentle words came out of nowhere, spoken by the same voice from the temple. It was a simple command, giving her the permission she didn't realize she needed, to forgive herself. She couldn't change the past, but she needed to make peace with it. Forgiving herself was the first step.
And as soon as she did, she felt the emotional weight begin to lift, as the regret, and hate, and guilt slowly melted away. They faded into the Force, and when they were finally gone, she was left with the most peaceful sensation she'd ever felt. She leaned into it and wrapped it around her, enjoying the happiness it brought.
She wanted to stay there forever, but she knew, eventually, she needed to go back. She had to face Ahsoka and Sabine at some point. She took her time, reluctantly pulling herself back to the mountains. When she finally opened her eyes, it was obvious something had shifted inside her.
Before, she'd always felt anxious and uneasy, like she was teetering on the edge of a cliff, where one wrong move would send her careening over the side. Now, there was only a quiet calmness. The anxiety had been replaced by tranquility. Balance wasn't an illusion anymore; it felt real, like standing on solid ground.
She slowly looked around, getting her bearings, and cringing as she saw the damage she'd caused to the rocks. She craned her neck to look at the sky and winced in pain. Now that the anger and adrenaline had worn off, she was starting to feel the effects of what Ahsoka had done to her. She gently uncrossed her legs to get the feeling back in them, feeling new stabs of pain with every movement.
Gingerly, she got to her feet and realized she had no idea where to go. She hadn't been paying attention when she'd blindly stumbled through the mountains. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trusting her instincts to give her a clue. After a moment, she opened them again and set off in, what she hoped, was the right direction.
Every step brought on the same searing pain it had after she'd broken her ribs on Akiva, and she knew they were probably broken again. She wrapped her arms tightly around her sides, trying to lessen their movement as best she could, but it didn't help much. Her progress was agonizingly slow, yet she had no choice. She knew Sabine and Ahsoka weren't coming for her; if they were, they'd have found her by now.
When she'd come out of meditation, she hadn't been sure if the sun was rising or setting. Now, however, she realized it was rising, and her heart sank. There was no way Ahsoka and Sabine would've waited for her. And she couldn't blame them, especially since she'd been gone all night. Sighing, she resigned herself to the fact that she'd be walking all the way home.
An hour later, she finally emerged from the rocks into the training area, and almost collapsed from relief when she saw the speeder was still parked exactly where it had been the day before. Ahsoka was sitting on the ground in front of it, clearly meditating, but she didn't see Sabine anywhere. She undid her arms from their death grip around her ribs and tried to stand up as straight as she could as she approached Ahsoka.
Sensing her, Ahsoka stood up and leaned into the speeder. A few seconds later Sabine's head popped up, and Jaina cringed as she watched Sabine gingerly climb out. She started walking towards her, and even though Sabine was doing her best to hide it, there was a noticeable limp in her step.
Shame joined the guilt running through her, and she steeled herself for whatever came next. She didn't sense any anger or fear coming from Sabine; as usual, she felt nothing from Ahsoka. Sabine stopped a few steps in front of Ahsoka and waited for Jaina, her face unreadable.
Once she reached Sabine, Jaina stopped and held her gaze for a moment. "Sabine, I—" She paused, emotion suddenly threatening to overwhelm her. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath.
"Sabine, I am so sorry. I know that doesn't even come close to making up for what I did. It was unforgivable, and I wish I could take it back. I'm sorry…" Her voice trailed off. She knew there was nothing she could say that could make it right, or change what happened.
Sabine crossed her arms and regarded her coolly for a long moment. Finally, her face softened slightly. "I forgive you. I know it wasn't your fault, not entirely." Jaina's eyes widened in surprise.
"I was furious with you," Sabine continued, "at least until Ahsoka explained what happened. I understand enough about the Force to know what the dark side is…I guess I just never realized how strong it could be." Jaina slowly nodded. Neither did she, until yesterday.
"But when you didn't come back, I won't lie, I got worried. I wanted to go look for you, but she—" Sabine jerked her thumb in Ahsoka's direction "—wouldn't let me. Said you needed to figure it out on your own."
Jaina nodded again and solemnly looked at Ahsoka. "She was right." Ahsoka inclined her head ever so slightly and Jaina returned the gesture. She didn't know how she did it, but Ahsoka always seemed to know exactly what Jaina needed, before she ever did.
Turning her attention back to Sabine, she stuck her arm out. "Still friends?"
Sabine snorted, then grabbed Jaina's arm and pulled her into a hug. "Of course. But you do owe me now, just so you know."
It was obvious that Sabine was in as much pain as she was, but Jaina gritted her teeth, determined not to show it. "Absolutely. I'll do whatever you want. Within reason, that is," she hurriedly added, and Sabine chuckled.
"I think it's time we get back," Ahsoka finally said, gesturing to the speeder. Jaina helped Sabine climb in, doing her best to hide her own discomfort. Along with the excruciating pain in her ribs, her head was also throbbing. The speeder ride back seemed to take forever, and every bump they hit was torture.
Once they got back to the tower, Sabine immediately went to her room and Jaina made a beeline for hers. All she could think about was taking a hot shower, then, hopefully, sleeping for days. Unfortunately, Ahsoka had other ideas.
She followed Jaina in and closed the door behind her. Jaina had to suppress a strong urge to sigh. She should've known Ahsoka wouldn't let her off the hook that easily.
"Are you hurt?" Ahsoka asked, eyeing her closely.
"No," Jaina quickly lied. Ahsoka blew out an exasperated breath.
"You know, for someone who used to make a living detecting lies, you're a terrible liar." She strode across the room and stood in front of Jaina. "Let me see," she demanded.
Knowing this was a battle she wasn't going to win, Jaina reluctantly lifted her shirt. Ahsoka immediately frowned as she saw the damage. Jaina tried to look, but the movement sent more sharp pain through her skull and ribs.
"It's not as bad as it looks, I swear," she said. "I don't think anything's broken…at least, it doesn't feel like it." It was another lie, and Ahsoka knew it.
In response, she gently pushed on Jaina's ribs. She may as well have stuck a knife in her side; Jaina yelped in pain and twisted away from her. "Okay, okay! They're probably broken." She hung her head. "But I deserve far worse than this for what I did."
"It wasn't meant as a punishment," Ahsoka chided her. "I did what I had to do to protect Sabine. And you." Jaina cocked her head, confused.
"What would you have done had I not pushed you away from her?" Ahsoka asked. Her voice carried a slight accusation, and Jaina looked away, ashamed. "Do you think you would've been able to stop yourself, on your own?"
"No," Jaina said quietly. Ahsoka didn't say anything, choosing instead to let Jaina's admission of failure, hang in the air. They both knew what would've happened had Ahsoka not intervened.
"You could've continued your attack, even after I pushed you," Ahsoka said, resuming her injury assessment. "I know how angry you were. You wanted to keep going. You almost did."
Jaina nodded and sucked in a sharp breath as Ahsoka prodded at a spot on the back of her head. "So, what stopped you?" Ahsoka asked.
"Besides your lightsabers?" Ahsoka ignored her attempt at humor, and Jaina thought for a moment. "The vision I had when we were at the old temple site. In it, I saw myself do exactly what I did to Sabine yesterday.
"When I realized the vision, at least that part, had come true…I was horrified." Her eyes suddenly burned, and she blinked back tears. "I didn't know what else to do, so I left. I didn't have control and I didn't want to make the situation any worse than it already was."
Ahsoka laid a gentle hand on her shoulder. "I'm proud of you. You had two choices yesterday, and you made the right one. I told you when we started that you were going to be tested, did I not?" Jaina nodded.
"Yesterday was the first time you were truly tested by the dark side, but it won't be the last. It's a battle you're going to have to fight your entire life. But, making the right choice the first time, as you did yesterday, will make it that much easier to do again, the next time."
Jaina nodded again. Now that she knew what it felt like, she definitely felt more prepared. It also helped that she was finally able to fully understand what Ahsoka had been lecturing her about for all these months.
"Stay right here," Ahsoka instructed. She quickly left the room, returning a minute later with a chair, a medpack, and a ration pack with a bottle of water. She set the chair down, put the rations and water on it, and got a large package of bandaging out of the medpack.
"Lift your shirt again," she directed, and Jaina complied. Ahsoka wrapped the bandage tightly around her ribs. "That should at least keep you from injuring them any further. There's not much else you can do except rest and let them heal. As you already know." Jaina sighed and nodded.
Ahsoka picked up the ration pack and water and handed them to her. "Sit," she ordered. Once again, Jaina complied but gave Ahsoka a curious look as she sat.
"You have a pretty good-sized cut on the back of your head," she explained. Jaina automatically reached around and felt the back of her head. Sure enough, she could feel dried blood. "I'm going to stitch it up, so it doesn't get infected."
She gritted her teeth as Ahsoka administered a numbing shot and went to work. It was silent for a while before anyone spoke.
"As a loyalty officer," Jaina said quietly, "you're feared by everyone. Everywhere you go, people go out of their way to make sure you're aware of their loyalty to the Empire. They'll give you anything you want, just so you won't report them. It didn't matter where I was or who I was dealing with. I got whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it, and exactly how I wanted it."
"That's a lot of power to give someone, especially at such a young age," Ahsoka replied. Jaina started to nod, then remembered she needed to hold still.
"It is," she agreed. "Too much power. I'd be lying if I said I didn't take advantage of it. Even if I was off-duty." She grimaced. She'd taken advantage of it just as much off-duty as she did when she was on. Especially after she'd had a few too many drinks. Fraternization was expressly forbidden in the Imperial ranks, but no one said no to a loyalty officer.
"I also didn't have to answer to anyone," she continued. "Well, anyone other than ISB High Command. I operated completely alone and had free reign to conduct my investigations however I saw fit. High Command didn't care how we got the results, as long as we got them.
"It didn't matter to them if a subject died during an interrogation. I can't even count the number of times I lost control and pushed a subject too hard or too far. There were absolutely no consequences for anything we did."
She sighed. She didn't know why she was telling Ahsoka all this, but it was making her feel better, so she continued: "I didn't care about anyone or anything other than myself. I was selfish, controlling, manipulative, and completely hooked on the power I had been given. And I was angry. I hated myself for the things I did, but I couldn't stop. I didn't know how to."
"But all that's changed now, hasn't it?" Ahsoka said. She'd stopped tending to Jaina's head and was now quietly listening as she poured her heart out.
"Yes," Jaina replied. "Being forced into desertion was the best thing that ever happened to me. I never would've left on my own. Unfortunately, I also assumed I could leave what I'd done behind as well. I was wrong. I know that now.
"I should've told you afterward, but a voice spoke to me during my vision at the temple. He warned me that I needed to let go of my past. He said if I didn't, there would be consequences. The Force even showed me the consequences, and I still didn't listen."
"But now you understand," Ahsoka said quietly.
"Now, I understand," Jaina agreed. "It's not just about me anymore. My actions…they affect everyone around me. Everyone I care about, even people I don't know. It's not something I'm used to. But I'm going to be better. I have to be. The person who I used to be is gone, and she's never coming back."
Ahsoka walked around and stood in front of her. Jaina looked up, a little surprised to see her looking so pleased. "This is why I told Sabine you needed to figure it out on your own. There's nothing I could've done to teach you the lesson you needed to learn. Only you could do that."
Jaina nodded, then smiled faintly. "The Force helped, too. And you were the one that taught me to trust it, so you did help, in a way."
A small smile tugged at Ahsoka's lips. "So you have been paying attention."
"Most of the time," Jaina replied with a slight smirk. Then she got serious again. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," Ahsoka answered.
"The voice at the temple also told me there was a darkness growing inside me. Is that why you agreed to teach me? Because you felt it, too?"
"Partially," Ahsoka said, after a moment. "I sensed it, yes, and felt like it was my responsibility to teach you so it didn't grow any further. But also, you're not the only one who had a vision foretelling our meeting."
"Really?" Jaina asked, surprised. "You had one too?"
Ahsoka nodded. "The Force wanted us to meet, and now I believe it wants me to train you. For what, I'm not sure yet, but I think in time, we'll know."
Jaina nodded, thinking. "So," she said slowly, almost too afraid to ask, "do you still feel it? Is it still there? The darkness?"
Ahsoka closed her eyes and took her time answering. Jaina, for her part, sat quietly and waited. "No," Ahsoka finally said. "It's not. Whatever you did last night, worked. But that's not to say it won't ever come back. Like I said earlier, it's going to be a constant battle you'll have to fight."
Jaina nodded. She'd be ready next time if it ever came back. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" Ahsoka asked.
"No," Jaina replied, shaking her head. "Thanks for stitching me up. And listening."
"Of course," Ahsoka said. She motioned to the ration pack and water still in Jaina's hands. "Eat and get some rest. No more physical training for now, not until you heal. Don't worry," she said, catching Jaina's disgruntled reaction, "there's still plenty of things we can work on that don't require physical activity."
"Yeah, boring things," Jaina mumbled under her breath. Ahsoka heard her and raised an eyebrow. "I mean, yes, lots of fun things we can do…" She grinned sheepishly and Ahsoka shook her head, feigning exasperation, but Jaina could tell she was trying not to laugh.
After she'd gone, Jaina quickly scarfed down the ration pack, then took the hottest shower she could stand. The water hurt like hell on her ribs and the cut on her head, but aftward she felt much better. Finally fed and relaxed from the shower, she was asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
She was out on the platform meditating a few days later when she heard it. It was an unusual sound; one she'd never heard before. She opened her eyes and stood up, trying to figure out where it was coming from. It started to fade, and, seeing nothing, she sat back down and closed her eyes again.
A moment later, it came back, stronger this time. There was a sort of urgency to it that Jaina didn't understand but couldn't ignore. What the hell, she thought, and got up again; she walked all the way around the platform, but still saw nothing.
Thoroughly confused, she walked back inside to find Ahsoka and Sabine sitting at the table, arguing over what looked like a motor, lying in pieces in front of them. It was amusing, and she watched them for a minute before speaking.
"Do you guys hear that?" she asked, raising her voice over them. They immediately stopped arguing and turned to her, confused.
"Hear what?" Sabine asked. Everyone was quiet for a moment, listening. Jaina could still clearly hear it. Surely, they could as well. "I don't hear anything," Sabine continued, eyeing her skeptically.
"Seriously?" Jaina asked incredulously. "You don't hear that?" She looked at Ahsoka, who was regarding her thoughtfully. "Do you hear it?" she asked her.
"No, I don't hear anything either," Ahsoka answered apologetically. She was still looking at Jaina thoughtfully. "What does it sound like?"
"I don't know. Like something's whistling. Or humming. But it's not annoying. I looked around outside but didn't see anything that could be causing it. And—" She abruptly stopped. Sabine was looking at her like she was crazy, and at this point, she wasn't entirely convinced she was wrong.
"And what?" Ahsoka prompted, arching her brow.
"You're going to think I'm crazy," Jaina said in a small voice.
"I promise I won't," Ahsoka assured her.
"Speak for yourself," Sabine muttered under her breath. Ahsoka shot her a look, and Sabine grinned and shrugged.
"Okay…well…it's almost like whatever it is, is calling to me. Like it wants me to find it," Jaina said. "Like I said, crazy."
Ahsoka's eyes widened and she smiled. "Do you think you'd be able to locate it?" she asked, standing up. "If you were to try?"
Jaina closed her eyes and concentrated. The more she focused on the sound, the clearer it became. After a moment, she was certain she'd be able to track it down. It was definitely calling to her, whatever it was. She opened her eyes and looked at Ahsoka, nodding.
"Good," Ahsoka said. "Then let's go."