Chapter Twelve: Where the Heart Is
"All I need is home." -Broods
There was a clock in the lab. It hung from the wall, the hands spinning around in circles, ticking as they went. Every second was a reminder that Loki was getting closer, more powerful, stronger, and that their chances were plummeting. Every time they delayed moving forward with their plan, it was another minute for Loki to grow his army, another chance for him to make a weapons run, another opportunity for him to crush them under his stupid, Asgardian foot.
But if they moved now, Audrey knew they would fail. They were weakened, so much so that half the bridge room was empty, its members nursing injuries or lying lifeless in the pseudo-morgue. Their strike now would get them shot down, maybe forever. While Loki was getting stronger by the second, Audrey tried to remind herself of a very crucial fact: so were they.
Still, she had trouble trying to stay brave. Every rotation of the clock's hands made her stomach flip, a feeling she couldn't stifle even as she'd hungrily shoved a granola bar into her mouth (and then three more). Time was neutral: an enemy and an ally, though Audrey struggled to remind herself of all the improvements they were making as the seconds inched forward. She feared and anticipated the fight with Loki, desiring closure and for time to stop simultaneously.
"Were you ever going to tell us?" Lindsey asked. Audrey glanced up across the table where the other woman stood, a heat mask over her face as she used a laser cutter to slice through a sheet of steel. Only god knew what she was planning to do with it.
The question hadn't specified what they wanted Audrey to tell, but she assumed it was about her parents.
"Maybe?" she responded hesitantly. "I couldn't really, since you were only level five clearance, but once you reached a level nine, probably."
"Level nine? Jesus." Lindsey raised the mask over her head, brushing a strand of hair out of her face with her gloved hand. "Isn't Barton still at a level six?"
Audrey shrugged. "I think so?"
Lindsey looked her dead in the eyes. "You were waiting for us to get clearance three levels higher than Strike Team Delta's? You couldn't pull strings or anything? Not even for your own team?"
Despite how serious and tense the conversation was, a voice in the back of Audrey's head was just relieved she'd said team instead of squad.
She considered. Yes, she probably could've asked for permission to tell the team, at least have made an attempt. But she couldn't even blame S.H.I.E.L.D. for denying her the right to tell. It was on her. And as much as she hated to admit it, she knew exactly why. "I don't know. It wasn't… important."
"Not important?" Lindsey almost shouted. There was disbelief in her voice, but not anger. Audrey was grateful. With all the things lost in the past few days, she desperately needed allies.
"We've never talked about your parents!" she sputtered, though she knew the argument was weak.
"Well, yeah." Lindsey rolled her eyes. "That's because they're both dental technicians in New Jersey, not national heroes."
The blonde frowned. "Just… I didn't want it to be a thing."
Lindsey peered at her dubiously for a moment, before finally speaking up. "A thing?"
"Yeah, a thing. Like you're making it now."
"Alright, don't worry, I won't make it a thing." Lindsey took the bits of heated steel and pulled a gun out from the shelf underneath her. She opened it and yanked a part out, wedging the steel back inside. "...After today. Today I'm gonna make it a thing, because I just found out one of my friends is the daughter of Captain freaking America and Peggy freaking Carter. You have to tell me everything."
Audrey smiled gently, but right now she really didn't want to get into it. First, there was the fact that they weren't alone in the lab: from the place where the window had shattered, they were exposed to the surviving members of the bridge team, Claudia was behind her studying samples of Loki's DNA trying to create a biological weapon, and Jane was behind her humming as she aggressively jotted down data from Bruce's tech—something involving calibrating and tracing alien genetic material. Granted, Jane seemed completely submerged in her own world of physics and numbers, and Audrey had no problem with Claudia overhearing, but, she thought, casting a glance over to the agents working below, they really don't need to hear me have a heart to heart.
But more overwhelming than that, now she had a legacy—one everyone knew about, and she couldn't afford to fail. She couldn't be a disappointment, on top of everything else. She was in over her head here. Though things had felt so right before, when she'd saved Steve and fought Loki's brainwashed agents, it was largely due to something in her brain clicking. Putting the pieces together for her so that she could focus on hitting and running and blocking the tirade of fists.
Now, though, nothing was clicking. Just below her skin, the machine that made up her anatomy had fallen apart, reduced to a pile of junked gears and screws and a beating heart.
Audrey crumpled up the fifth granola bar wrapper, and, not knowing where to put it in the pristine lab, shoved it into the pocket of her pants, next to all the rest. She was itching to get moving, but had to remind herself to be patient. Loki had yet to show his hand, and they couldn't make the first move if they didn't know where to strike. She reached over to the box to pull out another one, but her fingernails scraped against the hollow cardboard and nothing else.
This could've been her last meal on earth. A box of Clif bars. She could die today. The chances of that happening were very high, and her last meal on earth could potentially be a box of Clif bars.
She still hadn't returned any of Peggy's calls. It made her feel horrible, but she almost didn't want to. Hearing her mother's voice would force her to say it out loud.
What a twist that would be—her mother outliving her. Audrey, who was supposed to live for centuries or more, dying before her demented mother. God, what an awful story. Peggy had already lost Steve once, and she was starting to lose her memory. For a split-second, Audrey wondered: if she died, how long would it take Peggy to forget she'd existed in the first place?
Find the bright side. Find your silver lining. What was the silver lining? If everything went well, Audrey guessed. If the clouds were to part, they'd show a world where Audrey had done enough, had been enough, where Loki was dead and the Avengers were victorious.
But no matter how hard they fought, they could not bring back the dead. There was a nagging feeling in her stomach to remind her of that. No amount of atonement could repair for her previous shortcomings. There would still be funerals. There would still be dozens more names added to the Wall of Valor. All the bodies she hadn't managed to catch.
Snap out of it. She was no good to the rest of the world if she started killing herself before Loki did. Though, that would take the satisfaction away from him…
No. She had to get through this. If not for her sake, for her mother's.
She dropped to the floor and started stretching. Her muscles screamed at the motions, still sore from all the fighting and lifting earlier. It had helped to sit down and eat something, but not by much. Turning back to Lindsey, Audrey prompted, "You're going to have to be more specific about everything."
Lindsey nodded. "Okay, well, uh… when were you born?"
"August 28th." That was the truth, but… "1945," she added slowly.
"So, what. Are you just really good at contouring?" Audrey and Lindsey's eyes both flew up in surprise to Claudia, who was hovering over a microscope, and then jotting something down in the notepad next to her. Neither expected her to be so blasé about it. She looked up when she noticed them staring. "What?"
"Nothing. What?" Audrey replied without much elegance.
"Like, are you some Sephora-hoarding genius? You don't exactly look your age."
"Oh." That's what she'd meant. "Um, yeah. Well—no, not a makeup genius." I wish. "It's this thing with the super-soldier serum, it's, uh, really determined to make me live longer, so it extended my lifespan and only ages me a 1 unit for every three. So, like, one year every three." She nodded awkwardly.
"You're kind of immortal, then?" Claudia prompted.
Immortal. Like Thor or Loki. She considered it. Her dad was sort of immortal, he'd risen from the dead after something nobody expected him to come back from. But a bullet could still kill her, if it hit her in the right place. "Not—well, maybe. There's a chance it'll stop once I hit menopause." She rolled her eyes. "But I'm not sure."
Lindsey stared at her for a long moment before looking over at Claudia. Then back at Audrey. The blonde wanted to know what they were thinking—were they judging her? Angry she didn't tell them? Planning on demanding a transfer as soon as things went back to normal?
(If things ever went back to normal.)
"Jesus," Lindsey finally remarked.
Well. That didn't help much. She'd already known they were surprised.
She looked closer at them. Their faces were mostly covered in shock, but below that, Audrey could detect something else. Awe. Or fear.
Maybe they were the same thing.
She scrambled to make up for it with something. "I'm still me," she swore. "I've always—you knowing won't change anything, because I've always been up front about who I was in my behavior. Maybe not… maybe not with my history, but… if things change after this is all over, it's because we're fighting a war. Not because I was lying about who I was."
Claudia nodded firmly. "I believe you. I'm still on your side."
Audrey froze in surprise. "You… do? Wait. You are?"
The woman shrugged. "I've followed you into the Russian winter, and into this team that nobody thought was going to work, and you haven't ever disappointed me. Might as well follow you into a war against a god, too." She turned back to her work station, looking suddenly afraid that Audrey was going to demand a group hug. "What's it like? Now that he's back?" Claudia asked over her shoulder, pulling a pair of goggles over her face and poking at something under her microscope with a set of forceps.
"Oh, yeah. When you got assigned his case we didn't really know why, but uh, I guess this is our answer." Lindsey considered the facts for a minute, then shrugged. "Weird."
"Yeah," Audrey agreed. "It's really, really weird. I don't know what I'm doing anymore." She tried to come up with a more articulate and less dramatic way of explaining that, thus far, it had been little more than one heart attack after another. "I don't know. It was nice at first. It's awkward. We haven't really gotten to know each other yet with the whole…" She waved her arm around. "Alien invasion… thing. That's going on."
Grunting, Lindsey pulled the lid off of something at her table. "Do you think you will?"
Audrey shrugged, leaning over and stretching her legs to hide her face. "I hope so. I've been trying not to think about it, in all honesty. I'm worried he'll be disappointed in me, or that he'll decide that fatherhood isn't his thing—I mean, not that I need to be parented, but you know? He didn't ask for me."
With a snort, Lindsey replied, "You didn't ask for super soldier genes or some screwed up aging but you got it anyway. And you are far more pleasant than weird aging, so if you can put up with that I'm sure he can bring himself to appreciate you."
"Plus, it's statistically likely that you both die after this," Claudia muttered, pulling a pen from her hair and jotting something down.
Audrey sat up, and looked at Claudia. The other woman didn't seem too interested in her bewildered expression, though, so Audrey just agreed plainly, "True." It was an occupational hazard of sorts. She knew what she was getting herself into.
Jane rushed by and stood by the window, so sudden that Audrey squeaked, jerking up from her stretching pose. She'd almost forgotten that Jane was there. "Hello?" she shouted out to the bridge, drawing the attention of nearly every agent below. "I need someone to get me a pen. Now, thanks."
"You don't have any up here?" Audrey asked, leaning back onto her palms.
Jane shook her head. "Tony," she snarled, "for some reason, doesn't use any more paper, and the pen I was using ran out of ink. Darcy usually handles these things."
Audrey nodded. "Ah." As far as they knew, Darcy was still in the infirmary. It had been a painstaking decision for Jane to have to leave her side and return to work, but Fury had forced her hand.
An agent rushed through the door with a box of pens. "Doctor Foster?"
Jane spun on her heel and grabbed them from him. "Thanks," she mumbled, already in the process of pulling one from the box and uncapping it, and then she was back into her clouded work haze.
Audrey had just pulled her knee up to her chest and started to pivot her back when she saw sparks flying out of the weapon Lindsey had been tooling with. She jumped in surprise. "Lindsey?"
She waved her away. "Everything's fine, I just needed to see if that worked." Lindsey cleared her throat. "You should probably make sure that Caroline hasn't murdered anyone yet. We've got a few more things to do before you head out."
Audrey nodded reluctantly, hating to leave the familiarity of Lindsey and Claudia's presence. She'd plunged headfirst into the deep end when she accepted this assignment, and her swimming skills hadn't seemed to improve since then.
But still, you have to put that aside, the ruthless voice in her head commanded her. Everyone on the Helicarrier can hate you right now, but it doesn't matter. There's a bigger enemy out there. Don't waste your time trying to protect yourself from your allies.
To the ruthless voice, her anxiety replied, But your allies are always so much closer.
She shrugged away the abstracts before they could consume her, and stood up from the floor of the lab. Audrey's nerves had all apparently spouted their own nerves. Even as she tried to make her way to the gym, she found herself shaking.
When she got there, Audrey was pleasantly surprised by what she found. Caroline had organized the available agents into groups led by a superior officer. Past the groups working on combative training updates (ones more suited to fighting aliens, specifically), Audrey could see agents rotating in and out of the range corrals.
Every one of these people was risking their life to protect the world, same as her. Hell, these people had been doing it longer. And even though they hadn't signed up for aliens, they stood with S.H.I.E.L.D. all the same, prepared to fight.
Despite it all, a small, sad smile tugged on Audrey's lips. The unity on display was almost overwhelming. She'd never seen anything like it before—whenever Peggy talked about running S.H.I.E.L.D., it often included frustration at internal opposition. This wasn't anything like that. There was only one thing in their eyes: the mission. Faintly, Audrey wondered if this had been Steve's experience during the war.
When she reached Caroline, Audrey remarked, "Not bad."
Caroline sent her a smirk. "Come on, Carter. I'm good, and you know it." Then, leaning in closer, she added, "You better watch out, or someday I might be the one in charge of your team."
Audrey raised an unamused eyebrow. "Do you know how much paperwork you'd have to do? You wouldn't survive a day." But she smiled anyways. "However, I do admit, you'd make a very good drill sergeant." She turned to Caroline. "Seriously, though. Thank you so much. We'd be a mess if you weren't so damn good at this."
The assassin shoved her lightly. "Don't get soft on me. We're about to wade into a war."
Even though her words were laced with humor, Audrey understood the warning just beneath the surface. They couldn't afford to lose focus now. Any one mistake could cost them the earth.
"Noted."
"Carter, do you copy?"
Audrey placed a hand to her earpiece, turning away from Caroline to reply, "I copy. What's happening?"
"Darcy Lewis is awake," Erin's voice informed her. "In case you wanted to know. She's in bed thirteen."
"Thank you, Erin," Audrey said. Relief was rushing over her, and she almost cracked a smile. Turning to Caroline, she said, "Foster's intern just woke up. I'm going to see how she's doing. Keep this up."
"Copy that," Caroline replied.
Audrey sped down to the infirmary, walking so quickly she almost broke into a jog. Something had been saved. Darcy had survived, which—she hoped—was a sign that their luck was turning around. When she reached the hospital, she counted the curtains until she reached thirteen, then tugged it open and poked her head in.
Jane had beat her to Darcy's bedside, which was no surprise, really. The blonde smiled down at Darcy. The sight of her in the bed, alive, combined with her exhaustion and the amount of adrenaline in her bloodstream, almost made her start crying on the spot. "You have no idea how happy I am that you're okay," she told Darcy.
"I'm glad someone's happy." She scowled. "I signed up for this internship for college credit, not because I wanted to get shot in the goddamn leg!"
"She's on a lot of pain-killers," Jane told Audrey matter-of-factly.
What an odd change of roles this was. Jane was the one with her head on straight, while Darcy was rambling.
"I'm going to fucking strangle that sonofabitch with his dumb hat. His stupid ugly moose hat. I'm literally going to hobble out of the helicarrier and murder him with my bare hands, because what the fuck." She turned to Jane suddenly, eyes softening. "Janey, d'you think they'll give me more of the little pills—the… what are they called, the no-pain ones."
Jane raised an eyebrow, as if actually considering it. "No, unfortunately. I don't think they will."
Darcy pouted. "I hate it here. I want to get the stupid bullet out of my leg."
"It's not in your leg anymore," Jane reminded her gently.
"What the—where do they even put it? Can I have it? As a souvenir?"
The two both turned to Audrey expectantly.
"Um," the blonde said. "I could try and arrange that, I suppose, but I'm not… sure. Uh."
"Audrey," Darcy whispered loudly. Audrey raised an eyebrow, and Darcy beckoned for her to come closer. She did, stepping around the side of Darcy's bed and leaning in for the brunette to whisper in her ear. "You promise you'll punch that asshole in the face for me?" she asked.
Audrey snorted.
"I promise."
a/n: This chapter took me forever because it was one of the hardest chapters I've had to write. It's a bit of a filler, but HOLY CRAP GUYS WE MADE IT TO THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK. THE BATTLE OF NEW YORK IS HAPPENING NEXT CHAPTER.
!
I've been anxiously awaiting this moment since I started this fic last June. A big thanks to all of you who stuck with me through all my erratic updating and supported me throughout this project. We're not even close to finished yet, and I can't wait for everything to come.
As always, I hope you leave a review. What do you think of Audrey's team? Audrey and Darcy? Let me know!
Chapter Thirteen: A Shortening Fuse
"Suit up," Steve instructed. "Loki's made his first move."