14.
The day had started like all the rest of them. Jaina woke up early, as she usually did, poured herself a cup of caf and took it out to the platform. The very first hints of daylight were beginning to show on the horizon, and the lights of the city sparkled in the distance.
It was her favorite time of the day. The world wasn't quite awake yet, and everything was still and calm. She sipped on the caf and watched the sky gradually lighten, eventually settling into her normal morning meditation.
But today, something was different: she could sense a subtle shifting in the Force. It made her feel uneasy, though she couldn't quite put her finger on why. The feeling stayed with her all morning, making it hard to focus during the training session.
"You're awfully distracted today," Ahsoka said matter-of-factly, during one of their breaks. "What's wrong?"
Jaina frowned. She had hoped Ahsoka wouldn't notice. She quickly stuffed a few bites of her snack into her mouth, buying herself some time before she had to answer.
"I don't know," she finally replied. "Something feels…off. Something in the Force. I felt it this morning when I was meditating. I don't know if it's something bad, or something good. It just feels…different." She sighed. "That's the best way I can describe it."
Ahsoka nodded in understanding. "I feel it too."
"What does it mean?" Jaina asked.
"Honestly, I'm not sure," Ahsoka admitted. "But in my experience, I've learned that it can sometimes mean change is coming."
Seeing the concerned look Jaina gave her, she hastily added: "But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Change doesn't always have to be negative. It can sometimes be positive."
"I guess that's true," Jaina said thoughtfully. "So how do you not let it distract you? Knowing that something is going to happen, but not knowing when it will, or what it will be?"
"That's a very good question," Ahsoka replied, chuckling. "And one I had a hard time learning the answer to, myself." Jaina gave her a dubious look. She had a difficult time imagining her master struggling to learn anything.
"You can't change what's going to happen," Ahsoka continued. "It's the will of the Force, and you can't control it, no matter how hard you might try. You just have to accept it, and trust that the Force has a reason and a purpose for whatever is going to happen."
Jaina nodded. "Yes, Master." She suddenly felt much better. She quickly finished her snack and stood up, ready to get on with their training.
"You know what?" Ahsoka said, stretching as she also stood up. "No more lessons today. We're going to do whatever you want to do." Jaina's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Within reason, that is," she added.
"Hmm…whatever I want to do, huh?" Jaina said. She turned and slowly walked away from Ahsoka, thinking. A moment later, she whipped back around, drawing her lightsaber as she did.
"I want a re-match," she stated, pointing the saber at her master and grinning. "From the other day. When you cheated."
It was Ahsoka's turn to look surprised and she crossed her arms. "I have no idea what you're talking about." She was trying to act as though she was offended, but Jaina could tell she was barely suppressing a grin.
"Uh-huh," Jaina replied. She ignited the blade and slid into her fighting stance. "Maybe you're just afraid that I'll beat you this time."
That did the trick. Ahsoka's sabers flew into her hands and she ignited them, settling into her own fighting stance. "Not a chance," she retorted, unable to suppress the grin any longer.
They circled each other for a moment, neither wanting to make the first move. Jaina tried to be patient—to wait for her opponent to strike first like she'd been taught—but patience had never been her strongest attribute. She lunged forward with a solid strike that Ahsoka easily blocked, and the fight was on.
They dueled for the next couple of hours, Ahsoka only stopping them if Jaina made a mistake that could prove life-threatening, had it been a real fight. By the time they were finished, the uneasy feeling from the morning had dissipated entirely. It was one of the better dueling sessions she'd had so far, and Ahsoka seemed pleased with how it had gone.
Even though Ahsoka had long since abandoned the rule that Jaina couldn't take the turbolift up to their home, she was in such a good mood when they got back, she decided it was as good a day as any to see how high she could get. It had been a while since she'd tested her jumping strength and was curious to see if it had improved any since the last time.
She took a minute to eyeball the distance, then crouched down. Feeling the Force build inside her, she leapt into the air. A few seconds later, the antenna halfway up the tower was under her feet, then she was airborne again, reaching for the platform ledge.
The last time she'd attempted this, she'd just barely managed to grasp the ledge with her fingers. This time, instead of almost missing, the ledge flew past her as she easily cleared the railing around it. She landed in a crouch on the platform's decking and froze for a moment, too excited to move. Then she ran for the door, eager to tell Ahsoka and brag to Sabine.
She punched the door release button and burst inside: "Ahsoka! I—" The good news was instantly forgotten as she skidded to a halt, her mouth dropping open in shock.
There, sitting at the table, was General Syndulla, Rex, and Emry. Her eyes flicked between each of them, her brain not quite comprehending what she was seeing. She vaguely noticed Sabine and Ahsoka standing off to the side, amusedly watching her. A million questions ran through her mind as she stood there staring at them, suddenly unable to speak.
"Close your mouth," Sabine murmured in Mando'a, as she walked past Jaina chuckling. Jaina snapped it shut and shot her a dirty look.
"How—why—when—?" Jaina stammered, suddenly finding her voice again. General Syndulla and Rex laughed softly.
"Today," General Syndulla answered. "And because it was time for a visit." She smiled at Jaina, a genuine smile Jaina hadn't ever seen from her before. Jaina returned it, sensing the general's attitude towards her had somehow changed for the better, even though she hadn't seen her in months.
Emry stood up and approached her. Jaina's heart began to pound, and she could feel a level of nervousness coming from Emry that rivaled her own. Emry's eyes surveyed her, briefly pausing on the lightsaber hanging at her hip. She suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.
After every training session, she came home dirty and covered in sweat; today was no different. She knew she looked terrible, and Emry looked—well, Emry looked significantly better than she did at the moment.
Jaina hardly noticed the others as Emry walked up to her, and her voice had gone mute again. They hadn't seen each other in eight months, and so much had changed with her since then. She wasn't the same person Emry had known back then, and Emry had seemed to like the old her just fine. What if Emry didn't like who she was now?
"Hi," Emry said shyly, stopping in front of her.
"Hi," Jaina replied, equally as shy. They stared at each other for a few seconds, then Emry threw her arms around her, hugging her tightly.
Jaina held her just as tight, hardly daring to believe it was real. All the anxiety she'd just had was instantly gone as Emry's presence washed over her. She didn't want to let go, but eventually, her self-consciousness got the best of her and she pulled away.
"I should, ah, go get cleaned up," she said sheepishly, wiping away some dirt she'd left behind on Emry's shirt.
"Okay," Emry said. She smiled warmly. "Just don't take too long. We have a lot of catching up to do." She glanced over at the others and lowered her voice. "And apparently, Sabine is cooking us all dinner tonight."
Jaina wrinkled her nose. "Suddenly, I'm not that hungry anymore."
Emry laughed and Jaina's face broke into a wide grin. She'd forgotten how much she enjoyed making Emry laugh. She rushed off to her room, showering and changing as quickly as she could.
Emry was right; Sabine did indeed cook them all dinner, and Jaina grudgingly had to admit, it was pretty good. Afterward, Ahsoka and the general left to go "take care of some things" as Ahsoka had put it, leaving the four of them behind. Rex had somehow discovered Sabine and Jaina's stash of alcohol and they sat around the table, drinking and talking.
"…and then, she pulls one of the craziest maneuvers I've ever seen," Rex said, shaking his head. "It was incredible to watch. Even Hera was impressed." He was in the middle of telling Jaina and Sabine about one of the recent battles they'd been in. Jaina looked at Emry, impressed. She had no idea she was such a good pilot.
Emry, for her part, looked slightly embarrassed at the praise from Rex, and glanced over at Jaina, smiling faintly as she caught her eye.
"I had to do something," Emry said nonchalantly. "It was either that or let the TIEs overrun us. And it worked, didn't it?"
"That it did," Rex said proudly. He launched into another story, and Jaina found herself only half listening as her thoughts drifted.
She was happier than she'd been in a very long time. Maybe this was the change she'd sensed this morning. If so, it was a very positive, and very welcome change. It all felt too good to be true. A sudden thought occurred to her, and it brought a wave of sadness with it, completely smothering the happiness.
A heavy feeling settled in her chest, and she immediately felt like she couldn't breathe. She desperately needed fresh air, and quietly excused herself from the group. It took all she had not to run out the door and onto the platform. The air outside was mercifully cool, and she gripped the railing, inhaling deeply and trying to calm the emotions raging inside her.
A few minutes later, she heard the door open and then shut behind her and grimaced. She didn't want Emry to see her like this. But just like before, as Emry got closer and her presence swept over Jaina, the turmoil inside her instantly ceased. It was like putting a salve on a burn. Jaina leaned into the calming feeling and took one more steadying breath as Emry walked up next to her.
"What's wrong?" Emry asked softly. She could feel Emry's eyes on her but couldn't bring herself to look at her.
"I can't believe you're here," Jaina said quietly. "It doesn't feel real."
"I know," Emry agreed. "It doesn't to me either. It's been—" she paused, sighing, "—a long time." Jaina nodded.
"That's not it though, is it? There's something else bothering you. What is it?"
Jaina stared at the city in the distance, wrestling over whether or not to tell her. She knew it was something neither one of them had any control over, and she didn't want to ruin any of the moments they had together.
"Please," Emry said. "You know you can tell me anything." Her voice had a slight pleading tone to it that made Jaina internally wince. She chose her words carefully, trying not to sound bitter.
"I know this is too good to be true. I know you're not staying. I know you have to leave again." She finally looked at Emry. "So just tell me when. So, it won't be a surprise."
It was Emry's turn to look away, and Jaina noticed a flicker of guilt pass across her face. "You're right," she said dejectedly. "We're not staying. You know we can't."
Jaina sighed heavily. "I know." She felt defeated. This was not how she had hoped her night would go.
"As for when we're leaving, I'm not sure," Emry said. "It's up to the general. But I do know it won't be for at least a few days." She gave Jaina a faint smile, and Jaina weakly returned it.
"I'll take a few days over no days at all," Jaina said, trying to put some optimism back into her voice. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, obviously, but why are you guys here anyway?"
Emry's face took on a faraway look, and she gazed into the distance as she slowly spoke: "The past few months have been…difficult. The battles are getting fiercer. Sure, we hurt the Empire when we blew up the Death Star, but now it just feels like it was a pinprick. Their attacks have increased, and the Rebellion is scrambling to stay one step ahead of them."
She shook her head and her voice darkened a little. "That little maneuver Rex was bragging about that I did? If I hadn't done it, or if it hadn't worked…I'm not sure we'd be here right now."
Jaina stared at her, suddenly feeling extremely guilty and selfish. Here she'd been, in the safety of this planet for the last eight months, while they'd been out there, fighting and risking their lives. And she'd had the nerve to make it all about her within the first few hours of seeing Emry again. Mentally, she slapped herself. How could she be so stupid and inconsiderate? She was lucky Emry either hadn't noticed or hadn't cared enough to be angry about it.
Emry saw Jaina watching her and gave her another weak smile. "Anyway…the general decided we could use a break, so here we are. And I have every intention of making the most of the time we're here. If there's one thing this war has taught me, it's to enjoy the time you do get to spend with the people you care about."
"Well, I'm glad to hear you still care about me," Jaina said, playfully nudging her arm.
"I never stopped," Emry said softly. There was something in her tone that made Jaina's stomach do a backflip. She looked at Emry and felt like she was seeing her for the first time. It slowly dawned on her that maybe she wasn't the only one who'd changed over the last several months. Emry held her gaze for a few moments before her lips pulled into a sly smile.
"So…can I see it?" she asked.
"Huh? Oh—um…" Jaina fumbled over her words, trying to mentally shift gears. She gave Emry a confused look. "See…what exactly?"
She followed Emry's eyes down to her lightsaber. "Oh! That," she said, breaking into a shy grin. She unhooked the saber and held it out. Emry looked at it hesitantly. "Go on," Jaina encouraged her. Emry hesitated another few seconds, then gently picked it up.
"It's heavier than I thought it would be," Emry said, surprised. She turned it over in her hands, studying it.
Jaina chuckled. "I thought the same thing the first time I held it." The bright light of the moons glinted off the symbol etched into it, and she watched as Emry's fingers traced the etching, just like hers had.
"The symbol of my clan," Jaina said proudly. "My family."
"I thought you said you didn't have any family," Emry said, frowning. "That it was just you and your parents."
"Apparently, I was wrong," Jaina said, shrugging. "My parents kept them from me for some reason. I only found out after I asked Sabine to look into if they were still alive or not."
"And, are they still alive?" Emry asked. Jaina nodded. Emry stared at the saber, thinking. "Will you go back then? To see them? And the rest of your family?" There was the faintest hint of disappointment in her voice.
"Eventually," Jaina said. "When the time is right." She paused, suddenly feeling the need to reassure Emry, but of what, she wasn't quite sure. "But not right now."
Emry gave a short nod, and Jaina immediately changed the subject. "You can turn it on if you want.
"Just make sure," she said, reaching out and turning the saber around in Emry's hands, "it's pointing this way when you do." Emry shot her an annoyed look, and Jaina laughed. "Hey, I don't know how many lightsabers you've held before." She stepped to Emry's side, and Emry hit the ignition switch.
Even though she'd heard it a thousand times already, Jaina still enjoyed listening to the sound of the blade springing to life. The blue glow lit Emry's face up, and Jaina could see that she looked genuinely impressed. Emry slowly waved it back and forth a few times, then shut it off and handed it back to her.
"I'm assuming you can do more than just lift a wrench a few feet into the air," Emry said with a smirk, as Jaina returned the lightsaber to her hip.
Jaina shrugged and gave her a mischievous smile. "Just a few more things."
"Like what?" Emry asked, crossing her arms and feigning disbelief.
"Like…" Jaina replied, thinking quickly. She wasn't sure how much she wanted to show Emry just yet, or how much Ahsoka would want her to show. Her master incessantly preached humility and not using her abilities unless she needed to.
"Like, how do you think I got up here earlier?" Jaina said, finally settling on something she didn't think was that big of a deal. Emry cocked her head, confused.
"When you got here, how did you get up to the top?" she asked, trying to prompt Emry into figuring it out on her own.
"The lift," Emry said matter-of-factly, still not quite grasping what Jaina was saying. She tried again.
"And when Ahsoka and I got back from training, she came in through the lift too, right?" Emry nodded and Jaina finally saw a flicker of understanding on her face.
"But you didn't…" Emry said, trailing off in disbelief. She looked at Jaina and then at the door. "You came in through that door." Jaina nodded, grinning. "But…how?!"
"I jumped," Jaina replied. She had to stifle a laugh at the look on Emry's face. It wasn't unlike the same look of shock she'd had the first time Jaina had shown her what she could do. Emry peered over the railing shaking her head.
"No way," she stated, crossing her arms. "Prove it."
"You really don't believe me?" Jaina asked, pretending she was hurt by the accusation. Emry shook her head.
"Fine. If you insist." Jaina put her hands on the railing, wishing she could see the look of terror that would undoubtedly be on Emry's face when she launched herself over the edge. She was just about to leap over when she paused.
"On second thought," she said, pulling back. "I'll have to prove it another time. For now, you'll just have to trust me." Emry gave her a questioning look.
"Ahsoka and the general are back," Jaina explained. "Well, they're almost back." Sure enough, no more than ten seconds later, Ahsoka and General Syndulla pulled up beneath them in the speeder.
"How did you know?" Emry asked, slightly amazed.
"I could sense them," Jaina answered. Emry looked confused, and she thought for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to explain it.
"The Force resides in everything, and every living creature has a unique presence in it. I'm able to sense that presence, whether it's something like a loth-cat, or a person, like you or Ahsoka. Regardless of what it is, I can sense its thoughts and emotions."
"So, the rumors are true," Emry breathed. She drew back from Jaina, a fearful look on her face. "You can read minds." Jaina frowned. Dammit. She'd completely forgotten about the one time she'd done that in the last year.
"No, no, that's not what I meant," Jaina said, trying to backtrack. This was harder to explain than she thought, and the last thing she wanted was for Emry to be scared of her. "I said I can sense the thoughts of others, but that doesn't mean I can read them. It's more like, a feeling. If someone's happy, or sad, or afraid. Something like that."
Emry slowly nodded, but still didn't seem convinced. "So, it was all a lie then? Something someone made up just because you were an Imperial?"
Jaina sighed. She didn't want Emry to know about this part of her. But she had also never lied to her, and she wasn't about to start now.
"No," she said quietly, "but it's not what you think."
"So, what is it then?" Emry asked, and Jaina had to swallow the urge to flinch at her icy tone.
"It's an ability I've had since I was at the Academy. I used it as a loyalty officer to get the truth out of someone when nothing else would work. It's highly invasive and extremely painful, especially when someone doesn't want you in their head, sifting through their thoughts. The last time I used it was right after I woke up on Yavin. After that, Ahsoka forbade me from using it ever again. And I haven't."
She watched Emry for any kind of reaction as she spoke, but all she could sense was the same fearfulness from before. She resigned herself to the fact that she'd probably just ruined everything and waited for whatever backlash Emry was going to throw at her. But she'd never regret telling her the truth. She knew lying to her would feel much worse.
Emry turned away from her and leaned against the railing. Jaina could sense she was struggling with her emotions, so she stayed where she was; she was content to stand there until Emry was ready to talk again. Or until she told her to leave. After what seemed like an eternity, Emry finally turned back around.
"Okay," she said, hesitantly, "I believe you."
Jaina walked over and stood in front of her. "You know I'd never lie to you," she said softly.
"I know," Emry replied. A hint of a smile tugged at her lips. "You said every creature has a unique presence in the Force? And you can feel them?"
"I did…" Jaina said, wondering where she was going with this.
"What do I feel like to you?" Emry asked. The way she'd said it made Jaina's stomach do another backflip. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes. Emry's presence was there to greet her, and she let it wash over her, filling her senses.
"Calm. Peaceful." She inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled. "Soothing."
Opening her eyes again, she saw Emry intently watching her. There was an intensity behind her eyes that Jaina hadn't seen before. It sent sparks of electricity shooting through her and she suddenly had the urge to do something she'd only ever dreamt about. She took a tentative step towards Emry, but before she could get any farther, the door behind her opened and Sabine walked out.
"Emry, Hera wants to brief us on what's going on tomorrow," she said. Jaina saw a flash of frustration cross Emry's face as she pulled her eyes away from her and looked at Sabine.
"Okay," Emry replied, not even bothering to hide her annoyance. She marched past them both and headed inside. Jaina started to follow her when Sabine stopped her.
"Ahsoka wants to talk to you, too," Sabine told her. Jaina gave her a curt nod, more than a little frustrated by the interruption as well.
She followed Sabine inside and saw her master waiting for her across the room from the others. She reluctantly walked up, trying to get a handle on her emotions. She didn't need Ahsoka inquiring about the how's and why's of what she was feeling right now. Ahsoka watched her approach, a curious look on her face as she quickly glanced at the others, then back at Jaina.
"Everything okay?" Ahsoka asked, once Jaina reached her.
"Yep," Jaina curtly replied. She then got right to the point. "What's going on tomorrow?"
"A test," Ahsoka answered. Jaina just looked at her, waiting for her to explain. "It's been almost a year now, since we met, and I began training you. You've come a very long way in that amount of time and have learned a great deal.
"Tomorrow, you'll get the chance to prove to me, to them—" she nodded at Emry and the others "—and most importantly, to yourself, that you can take what you've learned and use it effectively."
Jaina felt her eyes widen in shock. "You actually think I'm ready for something like that?" she asked incredulously.
"Absolutely," Ahsoka said firmly. "If I didn't, we wouldn't be doing this. I know you're ready and I believe you'll succeed. Now it's up to you. You have to trust in yourself, your abilities, and the Force."
Jaina didn't know what to say or think. She was elated that Ahsoka believed in her enough to think she was ready for something like this, but terrified at the same time. What if she couldn't perform to Ahsoka's standards? What if she completely forgot everything she'd learned?
On impulse, she glanced over at Emry and caught her eye. Emry gave her a faint smile before turning her attention back to General Syndulla. Jaina idly watched her, trying to sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions going through her. She felt Ahsoka lay a hand on her shoulder.
"Jaina." Her tone was gentle but firm, and Jaina drug her attention back to her master. Ahsoka gave her a sympathetic look, but when she spoke, her voice was serious. "There will be time for that later. Right now, I need you to focus. Tomorrow is extremely important. There are going to be times where you'll need to put purpose ahead of your feelings. This is one of those times."
The weight of Ahsoka's words sunk in and Jaina bowed her head. "Yes, Master." She suddenly felt the need to get away from the tower as fast as she could. There was no way she'd be able to focus on anything with Emry so close right now.
"I—I need to go clear my head," she said. Her eyes searched Ahsoka's, pleading for permission. Ahsoka nodded her approval, and with one last sideways glance at Emry, Jaina quietly slipped out of the room and into the lift.
As soon as the doors opened, she set off at a jog, the cool night air stinging her face. She headed for the nearby hills, and once there, settled into a deep meditation.
She was going to be ready for whatever she had to face tomorrow. As hard as it was to push her feelings for Emry aside, she did it anyway. Her desire to succeed and not let Ahsoka down outweighed everything else. She would do whatever it took to not fail.