Chapter Seventeen: Moving On
"We can never go back, that much is certain." -Daphne du Maurier
All things considered, Audrey wasn't a huge fan of shawarma.
But considering that the last thing she'd eaten was a Clif bar, and between now and then she'd fallen out of a building, gotten shot by an alien, almost lost one of her closest friends, broken a couple ribs, and gotten attacked by an alien's claws, she wasn't really in a place to be picky.
The seven of them sat around the table. She was situated between Bruce and Steve. Across from her, Clint had his leg on Nat's lap. Audrey raised an eyebrow at that, but was too tired to think about it too hard. They sat in silence, stuffing themselves with food, while Loki lay in the corner, gagged and with Mjolnir on his chest pinning him down. She glanced at Bruce every so often, wondering if he was tired the same way the rest of them were. She wondered how present he'd been during the fight. She wondered if he knew how grateful she was.
Just in case he didn't, she leaned over and told him.
"Thank you," she said quietly.
Bruce looked up from his plate at her. "What?"
Audrey, flustered, began to repeat herself. "Oh—I, I said thank—"
"No, sorry, I heard you," Bruce added hastily, "Sorry, I just wondered what you meant… for."
The blonde furrowed her brow. "For everything. For working on finding the cube, and for showing up even when you didn't have to. We couldn't have done it without you. I'm glad you're here."
Bruce looked taken aback. "Oh," he said. "It wasn't a big—um…" He trailed off.
Audrey wanted to tell him that it was a big deal. To her. To the team. To the planet. But she could tell that Bruce was like her in that way—he didn't want the attention. It had just kind of happened. She put her hand over his briefly and squeezed it, too exhausted to worry about whether it was weird or not. If it was, she could deal with the fallout after she'd slept.
"Thank you," she repeated, and then dropped her hand. "How are you feeling?"
Bruce swallowed, and then cleared his throat loudly. "I, uh, could be better. But I could also be dead."
Well. That was blunt.
The blonde observed Bruce. His hair was mussed and fluffy. She kinda wanted to touch it. Like the rest of the team, he was covered in dirt and gravel. His shirt was clean, though. After the Hulk had shrunk back down into Bruce, Audrey had dashed into the nearest clothing store and grabbed him a tee shirt. Ironically, the words on the front proclaimed, I Believe in Aliens.
"Are you…" Audrey winced, trying to figure out how to phrase her question. "Do you get hurt when the other guy is fighting?"
Bruce looked at her for a moment, and then down at his plate. "I don't—not like you do." He sighed. "It's more like my entire body is bruised, but I can't see it. It hurts but I'm not injured."
Audrey nodded. "What do you do to, um, recover?"
He took a moment to consider. "Usually I hole away for a few days and avoid everything. Work. Try and separate myself from the crushing guilt of everything I've done." Bruce winced, as it he hadn't meant to say that last part. "I also can't see anything," he added. "I lost my glasses."
"I'm sure S.H.I.E.L.D. would be willing to pay for new ones," Audrey answered. "And you don't have any reason to be guilty. You helped save the world."
Bruce shot a pointed look out the window, where buildings were crumbling, shards of glass were covering the street, and first responders were helping people out of the tunnels. He shrugged. "I destroyed a lot of it too."
Audrey thought of the window she'd been thrown out of, the car door she'd ripped off, the blasts that had missed her and hit buildings behind her. "It was more of a team effort." She winced. "Principle of double effect?"
"I almost killed the people on my side," he pointed out. "Including you."
"That wasn't you. That was Loki, getting into your head. Into all of our heads." When Bruce said nothing, Audrey asked him, "Where are you gonna go from here?"
He hesitated. "I don't know. I don't know if people are going to want my help after they've seen me like that."
"Maybe you can help them in a different way."
"What do you mean?"
"Just—maybe you can stick around. You could work on research here, and maybe the Hulk could… act to help people."
"He's not that kind of guy."
"Of course he is," Audrey argued, brow furrowing. "He saved the world. I'm gonna get you to believe that." Bruce opened his mouth to argue but Audrey added quickly, "Nothing is all good or all evil. It depends on how you use it." She smiled gently at Bruce. "I'd at least consider it, yeah?"
He was reluctant, but he nodded. "Okay."
"Good."
The table was quiet for a minute, the only conversation was between Natasha and Clint, who were whispering back and forth inaudibly. Audrey turned to Steve. "I know this was a rude awakening," she blurted out.
Steve raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't say rude. Eventful, maybe."
Audrey shrugged. "It was pretty rude. The second you came back, some guy in a dumb hat tried to take the planet over."
Her dad cracked a small smile. "It's not always like this though?"
"No," she assured him. "Before this, my whole life was paperwork."
"I got offered a job as an office clerk during the war," Steve recalled. "I didn't take it. I wanted to fight. I hated paperwork. Peggy—" He cleared his throat. "Um, your mother was always good at that. She was a good agent and she managed to be very organized. She started off in the offices."
"Decoding," Audrey said with a nod.
Steve gave her a fond smile. "She's smart. She's always been smart. And she raised you to be smart, too." He took a sip of water from his glass, before offering a sad smile. "I'm sorry I missed it."
Audrey wished he'd been there for it too. She wished that someone had been able to help her understand the serum in her bloodstream. Howard was always there for her, and Peggy too. But it wasn't the same as someone who had lived with it the same way she had.
Still, they couldn't go back. That much was certain. They were here, in a shawarma joint with two gods, two assassins, and two geniuses. They had lost a hell of a lot. But they had each other now. And that gave them a chance. Audrey didn't want to throw that chance away.
"You're here now," she told him. "That's more than I ever thought I would get."
"This is all more than I thought I'd ever get," Steve said quietly. "I didn't think I'd get this many chances. I got a shot at fighting in the war, and then a second chance at life." Then, after a moment, he added, "The chance to be a father. And spend time with you. You're—you're my daughter. I want to get to know you."
Audrey's heart thudded in her chest, and she looked up at him. Steve was watching her carefully, waiting for her reaction. "I'd like that," she said. "I mean, I'm like… I'm not really a kid, anymore, but. Still. I'd like that."
Before she could say anything else, a loud siren cut through their conversation. The Avengers watched as an ambulance pulled up outside, screeching to a halt outside the restaurant. Erin stepped out of the car and strolled through the open door. Behind her, EMTs rushed out of the ambulance with various medical equipment. Erin offered the group at the table a raised eyebrow.
"Thought you guys might need some patching up."
After shawarma, Audrey went with Steve back to his apartment. Brooklyn wasn't in awful shape after everything, so at least he had somewhere to stay that night. She offered to camp out on the couch, but he assured her that he was fine on his own.
"You can text me when you wake up," Audrey told him. "We can get breakfast, maybe. After many, many hours of sleep."
"That sounds good," he said.
It hadn't been that long—less than a few days since that awkward embrace in the doorway. But they'd come a long way. Audrey gave him a hug before she left. He returned the embrace, and then they parted ways.
That night found Audrey, Lindsey, and Claudia at Caroline's apartment, since it was the one least damaged by the battle. It hadn't slipped Audrey's mind that there was a hell of a lot of cleaning up to be done, but she let the thoughts go for one night.
Audrey indulged herself in a long shower, discarding her uniform on the floor and instead dressing in borrowed sweatpants and one of Molly's tee shirts. Now she was hungry again, even thought it was only a few hours later. Molly proved to be an excellent cook, serving an extraordinarily large dish of lasagna. The lasagna was delicious, and Audrey probably took half of it, leaving the other four to split the rest. The cookies were amazing too. Audrey swore she'd never had anything better in her life.
Around Molly, Caroline was surprisingly relaxed. She joked around and held her hand at the table. They were polar opposites. While Molly was a photographer and was warm and bubbly, Caroline glared daggers at anyone who looked at her the wrong way and had a body count. They seemed to have found an in-between somewhere, though, because their wedding was set for the following spring.
After they ate, Claudia passed out across the couch. Audrey lay a blanket across her body before putting sheets on the air mattress. She and Lindsey collapsed on it, Audrey almost asleep already.
"Damn," Lindsey remarked after a moment. "We saved the world."
Audrey yawned and smiled. "Yeah," she agreed. "We did."
Audrey slept in the next morning. Actually, by the time she woke up, it was past noon.
Lindsey was already awake, sitting at the dining room table with Molly. Claudia was on her phone, asking for help with a crossword puzzle.
"What's an eight letter word for alien?" she asked.
Audrey flopped over on the air mattress. "Chitauri," she mumbled.
"Ohhhh," Claudia responded. "Thanks."
Audrey heard her set the phone on the coffee table, before coming towards her. The blonde didn't move. Claudia kneeled down by her and poked Audrey's forehead until she opened her eyes.
"Good morning," said Claudia.
"Good morning," replied Audrey.
"Did you sleep well?"
"I did." Audrey wasn't lying. The rest had been dreamless, but long and heavy. She felt like her body was healing already. The stitches that Erin had sewn into her arm would probably need to be taken out soon, her torso wasn't as tender as it had been the night before, and her lip had healed.
"The sleeping beauty awakens," Caroline remarked, strolling into the room. She gave Molly a kiss on the cheek as she moved towards the kitchen in search of food.
"You're in a good mood," Audrey remarked warily.
Caroline scoffed. "I'm always in a good mood."
That was a lie if Audrey had ever heard one. But she wasn't up to start an argument right now, not in the aftermath of such a gigantic victory.
"What time is it?" Audrey asked.
"Quarter past noon," Claudia replied.
That meant she'd slept for fifteen hours. Audrey usually averaged five or six hours of sleep, but after fifteen she felt great. God, she thought. Why don't I do this more often?
Right. Her job.
She fumbled around until she'd found her phone, where a series of texts were waiting for her. From Tony, Fury's secure number, Peggy, Laura, Michael, Steve, and—
Josh.
Shit.
She had a lot of explaining to do.
Audrey read Tony's message first. It was written to her and four other people, the only number she recognized being Steve's. It was a link to an article headlining, "MAN IN PAJAMAS HELPS IRON MAN SAVE NEW YORK!" featuring a picture of Steve underneath it. Audrey rolled her eyes at Tony, knowing that Steve would have no idea what this message meant, who it was from, or how to react to it. Her phone buzzed in her hand again.
unknown number: How did you get this number, Tony?
Tony: remember that time I hacked into shield's database
Tony: and then we all got mad at each other and the helicarrier almost fell out of the sky
unknown number: I do
Tony: well some of the information I managed to recover included cell phone numbers
Tony: I thought we could have a team group chat
unknown number: This is one of your bad ideas
Tony: you know for a fact that it is not, romanoff
Huh. Interesting. Audrey took this moment to enter Natasha in her phone properly.
Tony: does anyone know if Thor has a phone
Natasha: no
Tony: no he doesn't or no you don't know?
No response. Audrey rolled her eyes, and then swiped out of the chat. Her phone continued to buzz as she opened up her other messages, but she ignored it in favor of checking the texts from her siblings and Peggy. Once she'd assured them that she was alive, and that she would call them as soon as she could, she checked the message from Steve.
Steve: Dear Audrey, in the chaos of the battle I forgot the things you taught me about texting properly. I hope this message isn't too informal. Would you like to get a late lunch this afternoon at around 3:30? I don't know of any places to go but maybe you might. Best, Steve (Dad)
Audrey smiled to herself as she read through Steve's message. It reminded her of everything they hadn't been able to get through because of the aliens, and she opened up her notes app to jot down a few things she wanted to tell him about. Best food, IKEA, explain Jarvis! When she was satisfied with the reminders, she went to text him back.
Audrey: I'd love to get food. There's a diner not far from my apartment that serves breakfast all day long. Would you like to meet at my apartment at four?
A moment passed.
Steve: Dear Audrey, four o'clock sounds perfect.
Audrey reopened Tony's group chat and found 27 unread messages. Several were from Tony badgering Natasha, one just read my favorite pizza place was destroyed, anyone know where else is good? which Audrey assumed, with almost complete certainty, to be from Clint.
Her phone buzzed as another message from Steve arrived in the chat. Good afternoon, I hope everyone is well. I don't know who any of these messages are from except for Tony and Natasha. I'm also a bit confused about the message Tony sent us. What is . com? Also, why is it written in code? Thanks everyone, Capn. Steve Rogers
Group chats. And links. Those were other things that she should probably take the time to explain. Audrey hesitated as she looked at the unread message alert next to Josh's name. She finally forced herself to tap on it, to find three brief messages.
Josh: What the hell is going on? Where did you go?
Josh: Is that you on the news? I think we need to talk.
Josh: I don't think this is working.
Audrey's heart sank at the last message. She'd known it was coming, yeah, but she hadn't wanted it to happen like this. Not through news footage of an alien invasion. God. Whoever said breaking up through text was the worst way to do it had now been proven wrong. She would do them one better: never actually breaking up, and just revealing your true identity on TV in the middle of a war, then leaving them to figure it out for themselves.
She winced as she attempted to write out a reply. I'm sorry, I No. No no no. An apology wouldn't be enough to fix this. At this point, honestly, Audrey would be surprised if anything could. She'd lied to him about her job, her identity, her age. And she'd known it wouldn't last. She'd taken precautions about her emotional investment in it. Maybe it was for the best.
Audrey: I understand. Do you want to meet at my apartment in a half hour? Just to talk about it.
He read the message almost immediately, and replied soon after.
Josh: Ok.
Audrey hauled herself out of bed, grunting as she went. As much as her body had healed, it was still sore. She needed to stretch. Badly.
"Do you want some food?" Molly asked, as Audrey limped over to the table. "We have coffee, too."
"Yes to the coffee. And thank you for the food offer too, but I have to meet someone really quickly and then I'm gonna grab something to eat with Steve."
Molly began preparing a travel mug for her. "Cream and sugar?" she asked.
Audrey nodded. "Yes, please."
Caroline pointed to a duffle bag by the front door. "I got some clothes from your apartment."
Wait, what? Audrey's eyes narrowed. "You don't have a key."
"Didn't need one. Your locks should be changed, by the way. Now that you're a superhero and all."
"I am not," Audrey protested, taking the mug that Molly was offering, and chugging the coffee. It was smooth against the back of her throat, and sweet. She missed the familiar taste. And Molly's coffee was good. Way better than the stuff Audrey's machine generated, or the stuff in the break room at S.H.I.E.L.D., which always managed to be either way too hot to drink or lukewarm.
Claudia tugged on the end of Audrey's hair as she strolled by. "You are 100%, without a doubt a superhero." The brunette smiled to herself, pleased, as she sat down at the table and took a piece of bacon off of the plate in the middle. She waved it at Audrey. "You wore a cape and everything."
"I also destroyed someone's car. And almost died a bunch of times."
Lindsey scoffed. "Did someone tell you that saving the world was a safe career choice? Because they lied to you. You're just getting started."
Audrey hadn't thought about the future too much. Would the Avengers be a thing now? The group chat seemed to say so, but none of them had been briefed or debriefed. And if all went well, there wouldn't be another world-ending incident any time soon. But something in Audrey's mind told her that the world had changed. Whatever kind of normalcy they'd had a week ago had been completely blown out of the water. There weren't any more shadows to hide in.
The idea was terrifying. She was completely exposed. But she was relieved, too. Lying had made her miserable. She didn't want to do it now if she didn't have to.
"Thank you," Audrey said to Lindsey, and to Claudia. "I don't know what I'd do without you guys."
"I don't know either," Lindsey returned, winking. Audrey smiled to herself. In that moment, she felt nothing but love.
After she'd changed into the clothes from Caroline, Audrey hailed a taxi and gave the driver the address for her apartment. She didn't want to bother with the subway today—not when there was the chance people could recognize her.
Ten minutes into the ride, though, Audrey realized that this plan wasn't flawless either. They'd made little progress, due to the blocked streets and the ruined pavement. The taxi driver wasn't apt to going too quickly either. Audrey wanted to be frustrated, but couldn't bring herself to it. If he drove at the speed limit, his tires would undoubtedly be flat within minutes. So she sat through the wait.
She arrived at her building ten minutes past when she'd told Josh to meet her. He was waiting outside her apartment, hands in his pockets.
"Hi," she said quietly.
Josh remained indifferent. "Hey."
Audrey unlocked the apartment and pushed the door open, waiting for him to sit before she did. He took the armchair. She sat in the middle of the couch.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she started. "I just. Couldn't. My job kept me from doing it."
"And what is your job, exactly?" he sneered. Audrey chewed the inside of her lip, reminding herself that he had the right to be angry.
"I'm a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent," she said. "I manage a tactician team."
Josh looked at her, disbelieving. "Is that how you explain what the hell happened yesterday? The fighting aliens?"
"No—I mean, not really. Kinda." She winced. "My dad is Captain America."
"He's been dead for seventy years."
"Well… we thought he was. He's not. I can't really tell you everything about that, but. He's not."
"You're not seventy years old."
Audrey winced. "That's… true. I'm actually, uh, sixty-four."
Josh blinked at her for a moment. Then he stood up and began pacing behind the armchair. "You told me you were twenty-one. You look twenty-one."
"I know. It has to do with the, um, the Captain America thing."
"I don't fucking believe this."
Audrey flinched, her shoulders hunching as she looked down at her hands. She picked at a hangnail on her left thumb. "I'm not lying," she said quietly. "I swear I'm not lying."
When she looked up, Josh was red in the face. "That's really fucking messed up. You lied to me about everything."
"I didn't want—"
"You're really fucking messed up. I can't believe you," Josh said. His words were a punch to Audrey's gut.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't ever want to see you again. I—Jesus Christ, I can't even look at you." Josh threw the door open, shot Audrey a last look of disgust, and then slammed it behind him.
Soon after, her neighbor started banging on the wall, yelling at her to be quiet. Audrey winced.
Audrey sat for a minute, her eyes watering, unsure what to do. Josh had been angry, yeah, but there had been truth to his words. She'd messed up. And maybe he was right about the other thing too—maybe she was messed up. She was on the verge of tears but part of her began to wonder if she deserved to cry. She had been the one to lie, to mess everything up, to make him angry.
She swiped furiously at her eyes. She was wearing the glasses again, but she didn't know why. No more disguises. Audrey tore them off her face and threw them at the wall as hard as she could, and then lifted her knees to her chest as she started heaving gross, ugly sobs. She didn't want to have to live like this. Lying to everyone, keeping secrets from people she cared about, acting like everything was fine when her job included killing people, and being attacked by aliens, and she didn't want to be 64 and looking like this. She didn't want to lose Peggy, but it was happening anyway. She didn't like that she kept hurting everyone. Audrey hugged her knees tight as she cried, the weight of everything crashing down on her all at once.
She sat on the couch sobbing and holding her knees for what could've been minutes or days. Audrey couldn't breathe. Everything was so much and she had no idea who she was supposed to be—she was an agent, a daughter, a friend, a teammate, an Avenger. But that was so much, she didn't know how she could spend time being all of those things and still have time to be Audrey.
As she sucked in breaths, she found herself growing more and more angry. Did she blame Steve? Was it Steve's fault? He had no control over whether she'd inherit super soldier genetics. But he'd had a choice. And she hadn't. He'd just given her these abilities that she didn't understand and this aging that meant she had to watch everyone she loved die. He'd just given her all of this, and then left.
Audrey didn't know how much time had passed. Everything felt like it was underwater, and she just kept pushing herself deeper and deeper into the corner of her couch, trying to escape it all. At some point, someone started knocking on the door. The sound was grating and awful, and Audrey pushed her hands over her ears and tried to drown it out. She felt like the world was squeezing in on her. She felt like she was suffocating.
There was a loud crash. Audrey's eyes snapped open. Through her tears, she could see her door being kicked down, and Steve rushing over to her. He was trying to reach her, his hands on her shoulders, but Audrey pushed them off. "Stop," she mumbled through her tears. "Stop." Steve listened, leaning back onto his heels to give her space.
Eventually, the tears ran out and Audrey was just sitting quietly, staring at nothing in particular and holding her knees. She was shaking, too. When had she started shaking? Everything felt unreal, like she was seeing it through foggy mirrors. She sucked in a breath and held it.
Audrey could remember moments like these when she was younger, and how Peggy had always been there when it all got to be too much. But she hadn't had one this bad since her mother had gone away. She tried to remember how Peggy helped her through them, but couldn't. She could only remember how it felt to have her mother's arms around her in the aftershocks of it all, keeping her safe. She was too old now to crawl into her mother's arms. Far, far too old.
Steve was looking at her now. Audrey couldn't tell if his expression was one of fear, or concern, or both. She felt heavy. She didn't want to look at him, to have to try and make him understand what had just happened when she herself did not. But Steve was nothing if not stubborn.
Audrey rubbed at her eyes, swollen from the tears. Her head was throbbing, her tongue heavy and bitter in her mouth.
"Hey," Steve said quietly. "What happened?"
Audrey shook her head. Not as in no, nothing happened. More as in, no, I don't want to talk about it.
"Is there anything I can get you? Water?" Audrey nodded. "Tissues?" Audrey nodded again. She sat quietly, grateful that Steve wasn't prying. She watched him go to her kitchen and stare, perplexed, at her water filter before giving up and just running a glass under the tap. He brought over the roll of paper towels too, and settled them next to her. Audrey blew her nose until she could breathe again, and then gulped down the water, setting the empty glass down on the end table when she'd finished.
"What else can I do?" Steve asked. "Are you hungry? Or do you want to rest?"
Audrey cleared her throat. Both, honestly. But maybe food first. "I'm hungry," she said.
"Do you still want to go to that diner?" Steve asked. "Or I can pick up food and bring it back here. I don't have to stay, I can go."
"Please don't go," Audrey blurted out. "People keep leaving, I—I don't want to talk about what happened but I don't want to be alone."
Steve nodded. "I'm here."
"We can get takeout," Audrey offered. "If you'd like that. Or there's a Chinese place nearby that delivers."
"I haven't had a lot of Chinese food before," Steve said thoughtfully. "So sure. Do you want to put a movie on? After we order maybe?"
Audrey nodded. That sounded nice. She wanted to sit, and think about something else. A movie sounded perfect. She went over to her drawer of DVDs and started to comb through it in search of something that Steve would understand and that wouldn't give her a headache. When she finally located her copy of Finding Nemo, she smiled to herself. Perfect.
After she'd made a list of food and given the phone to Steve so he could order, she settled back on the couch, hugging a pillow. Everything felt a little numb, a little hazy. But at least she didn't feel like she was exploding anymore.
Steve settled next to her, and Audrey hit play on the movie. In the aftermath of all the things they'd lost, both super-soldiers felt safer knowing they had each other.
a/n: And that's that for 17! We've got about three chapters left (though the last one is more of an epilogue). I'm thinking I'll post the first chapter of Nodus Tollens at the same time as the epilogue of Monachopsis, so that it's easier to keep track of and so I don't leave you all hanging for too long. Does anyone think that would be a good idea?
This chapter introduces a new aspect of Audrey's character that I plan to delve into more in Nodus Tollens. It was actually brought to me by LadyBritish, who said that she identified very strongly with Audrey as an autistic character and asked if I would be willing to introduce that into the story. I myself am not autistic, so a big thank you to her for explaining things to me so well and for looking over scenes like this to ensure that I portray autism accurately.
Thank you so much for reading! I'd love it if you could review and let me know what you thought about Audrey's bonding with the team, the Aud-Squad, Audrey's meltdown, and her bonding with Steve afterwards. See you next time!
Chapter Eighteen: Change is Everything
"I would've married your mother in this church," Steve said quietly. "I had a ring. It was cheap, but it was all I could afford. I knew she deserved much more than that, but-" He stopped, and took a deep breath. "I was going to propose to her when the war was over. I guess they never-I guess they never found it."