Pyrrha Nikos was minding her own business, taking a leisurely stroll around Beacon Academy's campus. "It's a good day to be not dead," she said out loud.
POW!
An arrow struck Pyrrha's head, burning her waving locks of auburn hair and killing her.
"You are dead!" declared Cinder Fall, the obviously evil woman who shot the arrow.
"I AM DEAD!" Pyrrha screamed, posing dramatically before falling to the ground with her mouth wide open.
In the true stereotypical villain fashion, Cinder placed her fingers together as she chuckled evilly. Hearing Professor Ozpin humming a happy tune, Cinder threw away her bow and arrow before Ozpin could see it.
Ozpin strolled up to Pyrrha's body, which was now holding a rose, and gasped as he stopped in his tracks. "Miss Nikos is dead!" he exclaimed, stating the obvious.
"Yes," said Pyrrha, her body now completely buried except for her head. "I am dead!"
"Why is Miss Nikos dead?" asked Ozpin as he gestured to Pyrrha's body, which was now unburied and lying on its stomach.
"I don't know," replied the blatantly evil Cinder with a shrug.
Pyrrha lifted a finger. "I think it was-"
"SHHH!" said Cinder and Ozpin. "You are dead."
"Okay," said Pyrrha, drilling herself into the ground.
At that moment, a truck pulled up with a small camper loaded in back, the kind that fits into the bed of a truck. The driver's door opened and out stepped none other than Yang Xiao Long.
"Sup?" Yang asked cheerfully, dancing about and flaunting her top-heaviness. Upon seeing Pyrrha lying on an operating table, she stopped dead, not literally, and frowned. "What the heck happened?" she asked.
"Pyrrha is dead!" exclaimed Ozpin and Cinder.
"Pyrrha is dead?" Yang repeated.
"Correct!" Ozpin affirmed.
Yang grinned, proud of herself at having guessed correctly as an audience of shadow people clapped politely.
"So, did you see the murderer?" Ozpin asked no one in particular as he tried to get back to the task at hand. Meanwhile, Pyrrha was upside down in a t-pose while surrounded by orange cones.
"Nope," replied Yang and Cinder. "Sorry."
Ozpin slammed his palm on a table that was not there moments ago. "I will find them!" he declared. "I will capture them! And no one will ever die again!"
Cinder and Yang clapped cheerfully as they stood over Pyrrha's skeleton.
"Atten-shun!" yelled General James Ironwood, an army of robots standing behind him. He dashed over to the bathtub that held Pyrrha's completely intact corpse. "Miss Nikos is dead!" he exclaimed.
"We know," replied Ozpin.
"Who killed her?"
"We don't know."
"I will find clues!"
Having made his declaration, Irondaddy planted his face to the ground and sniffed, his feet pointing in the air as if daring gravity to interfere. He soon found a small pistol. "What's this?" he asked, picking up the pistol. "A weapon! This is why Pyrrha is dead!"
"PYRRHA IS DEAD?" everyone asked.
"Yes!" declared Two Seats Ironwood, slamming his hands on a recently materialized witness stand. "She died!"
Everyone gasped.
An ambulance came flying out of nowhere and slammed into the cyborg general, presumably killing him. Doctor Oobleck burst out of the ambulance and faceplanted on the ground before inching his way over to Pyrrha. He gently kissed Pyrrha on the forehead. A bright light shone down from the sky over Pyrrha's body as it began ascending. Pyrrha's body exploded a few seconds later.
Dr. Oobleck stroked his chin in thought. "In my medical opinion, PYRRHA IS DEAD!" he yelled.
"Professor!" Yang addressed.
"DOCTOR!"
"Doctor, what happened?"
"In my professional opinion, MISS NIKOS WAS KILLED!"
Everyone once again gasped.
"But I don't think it's anything to worry about," the doctor said reassuringly.
"Now what?" asked Yang.
As if on queue, Jaune came dancing toward the crime scene.
Ozpin groaned. "Oh, come on."
"Hey, look at this!" cried Jaune, pointing at Pyrrha, who had hearts over her eyes. "Friggin' Pyrrha's dead! Whaddaya think o' that?"
"Mr. Arc?"
"Yeah?"
"Go home."
Ren and Nora pulled up in the JNPR-mobile to take Jaune home.
Jaune pouted, but got into the car and drove away, muttering all the while. Pyrrha frowned in depression, or at least she would have were she alive.
"Alright, let's get back to the point," declared Ozpin, holding up a sign that read To the Point.
Pyrrha prodded her body with a stick. "I think Pyrrha is dead," she said.
"PYRRHA IS DEAD!" everyone chorused.
Panicking, Dr. Oobleck ran towards a burning car that exploded and killed him.
"If you don't mind my asking, who killed Pyrrha?" Pyrrha asked.
"It was me!" announced Qrow Branwen, chugging a large bottle of Remnant's equivalent of Scotch whiskey.
Everyone turned to gawk at the drunken huntsman.
"Yes!" he affirmed, swallowing the bottle. "I did it like this!" He pulled out a revolver and shot Yang as Ozpin's jaw dropped in horror. "Whoop de doo!" Qrow cheered. He pulled out another bottle and started drinking from it. "That's a joke."
Everyone laughed.
Qrow took another swig and belched loudly. "It was her!" he accused, pointing at Cinder.
The evil maiden gasped. "How did you know?" she asked.
"I didn't," Qrow admitted, belching again as he took yet another swig. "That was a joke, too."
Cinder laughed evilly. "Yes! It was me!"
"You monster!" Ozpin exclaimed
"But why?" whined Pyrrha.
"Because you're fat!" snapped Cinder. "And another thing? You're ugly!"
Cinder and Pyrrha began arguing as Qrow died of alcohol poisoning. Ozpin watched the two arguing with a confused look on his face.
"SHUT UP!" screamed Cinder. "YOU'RE DEAD!"
"No you!" Pyrrha retorted. She pointed a finger at Cinder. "POW!"
Cinder flew backward, dead.
Ozpin sighed. "Well, that was idiotic," he said. "Off to hang myself!" He put his neck in a noose and did a triple backflip before his neck broke.
"I am alive!" declared Pyrrha, standing amidst the corpses. "It's nice."