The Five Stages of Grief - Part I

Denial

It's a few weeks before the final exams. The days are whizzing by and everyone is horribly stressed, unable to cope with the syllabus. It seems that the more they get done, the more is still left uncovered. There are hardly any seconds spared to talk or to mingle; Meals are forgotten and desks are piling up with used - unused parchments.

In the midst of this mayhem, Severus and Lily have barely spoken to each other. He needs to see her, he needs to hear her soothing voice telling him its all manageable. He has never felt as burdened as this by his studies. He couldn't sleep the previous night, and there are always butterflies in his stomach when he open his textbooks. No one who gets a 'T' or a 'P' on their OWLs can be considered worthy of anything. He recalls the state Malfoy and Bellatrix were in, two years ago. Bellatrix had all the younger Slytherins lined up in the common room to practice her spells on. Malfoy had written letters to his father asking if there were any possibilities of bribing the examiners. The OWLs are a chance for Severus to prove his mettle, and have a stamp on his abilities. He is still undecided on his future, but it's always nice to have all doors welcoming you. Moreover he'll need at least an 'E' in DADA, Potions, Transfiguration and Charms to be able to continue with it in NEWTs. All four skills necessary for a job in the ministry, all four skills necessary to become a death eater. These examinations are given more importance than they should be.

The only person who can help him as of now is Lily. Aside from the fact that she's academically brilliant, she also knows how to calm him down. She knows exactly what to say to get him to relax, and revising together helps him regain his confidence. After several failed attempts of catching her alone sometime after classes, he decides on finding her in between classes.

He waits outside the Transfiguration classroom where McGonagall is just wrapping up her class with the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff Fifth Years. The ten minutes at the end of the hour go by at a snail's pace. He leans against the wall, and starts tapping his left foot with impatience. When the bell rings, the students stream out of the classroom, one by one in a rush. He finally spots her, emerging right behind McGonnagal, stuffing something in her satchel.

Just as she sets a foot outside the class, someone pulls her right back inside. It happened so fast, he doesn't think she saw even saw him standing outside. The door is slammed shut, but Severus catches it in time, leaving it slightly ajar. The occupants of the room don't notice that the sound of the door closing never comes out. He wonders who else could've been waiting to talk to Lily alone. He recalls seeing McKinnon, MacDonald, Alice Fortescue and Lupin leaving the classroom minutes before. The corridor is deserted now, with everyone scurrying off to their next class - Everyone except Severus, Lily, and the person who has kept Lily from Severus. The voices from inside are quiet but clear in the dead silence.

"What are you doing Potter?"

"I wanted to talk to you."

"So you decided manhandling me is the way to do it?"

Severus peeps in through the small opening. Potter has twisted Lily's arm and is holding her wrist behind her back. His grip must have been loose, because Lily doesn't look like she is in any pain. He has her backed up against a wall, blocking her way with his own huge body, towering over her small frame.

"I didn't know how else! You've barely been talking to me for the last few months."

"I too have missed our midnight conversations dear." Lily scathes sarcastically and for some reason Potter chuckles.

"Evans, you know that's not what I meant."

Severus is internally debating with himself. A part of him wants to barge in and rip Potter off of her, the other part of him wants to hear what this conversation is all about. The latter wins.

"I have no idea what you mean Potter."

"You've stopped acknowledging me all together. I've tried everything! I read out your favourite poem by that muggle bloke Yeats in the great hall, you didn't even look up. I mixed up everyone's homework in the common room, you didn't shout at me, even though I had misplaced your three feet long Charms essay. I even went as far as begging Remus and Mar to find out what's wrong, but they said they'd rather stay out of it." Potter almost looks agonized. "You say you wouldn't go out with me, but do you really hate me Evans?"

Of course she does, Severus scoffs to himself.

"Why do you even care Potter? There's no love lost between us." She tries to push him with her free hand, but he catches hold of her other wrist too.

"Of course I care Evans!" he says softly. "I can't stop thinking about it, you actually hate me."

"Why don't you shag and snog a few girls in broom cupboards, I'm sure it'll help you get your mind off it." Lily huffs.

"Is that what this is about?" His eyebrows have furrowed in confusion. "Evans, I'm not-"

"It's none of my business who you are doing what with Potter, and frankly I don't care enough to find out." She says grimly. With a forceful thrust of her arms, she manages to push him away. He jerks backwards and let's go of her.

Severus rushes to the end of the corridor, and pretends that he is on his way elsewhere. What did he just witness? Has Lily actually been acting differently with Potter? It can't be. She hates his guts. The only reason she hasn't been acknowledging the git is that giving into his provocations is beneath her. She wants to focus on her studies and has resorted to ignoring Potter and saving her energy. She hates him afterall.

When Lily comes out of the room, Potter isn't following her. Severus feigns his surprise upon seeing her and offers that they go to the library and study. Lily doesn't protest, she probably doesn't want to attend her Divination class at all. She doesn't say much as they walk to the library, but that's just how it has been between them lately.

Their time at the library is heartening. She smiles at him once or twice, when he corrects her mistakes in Advanced Arithmancy; she is rather distracted. But that's alright, because she is here with him, and he is happy. They are out Potter's reach and hence in bliss. A rather sedated, but welcome bliss. He cannot ignore the subtle change in her attitude toward Potter, but he doesn't want to bring up anything that'll make them fight.

He tries testing the waters - "Did you know what that prat- ?"

"Is this about Potter, Sev?" She cuts in

"Yes." He replies warily.

"Oh Sev, why must we spoil our time together talking about him. We can have the same conversation over and over again but he's never going to change. He'll always be an arrogant toerag, and there's nothing we can do about it. I hate him so much, just talking about him works me up." She's almost talking to herself by the end. As if she's reminding herself that she hates him. But Severus is glad she is still certain about her opinion of Potter and, as she put it, she hates him. He takes a small breath of relief and nods at her - "I understand. Let's get back to our work."

Abount half an hour later, he is concentrating on the article on 'the uses of Blue Ivy Flowers' he is reading when he feels her chair shift beside him. He looks up at her questioningly. "I just need another book for reference" she smiles.

Why is she lying to him? She is working on Arithmancy and she is headed straight for the Herbology section. Is she really that unfocused today? From the corner of his eye he sees Felicia Flutterwinge also scanning for books on the backside of the shelf.

One year later, the voice enhancing spell is still coming in handy.

"Hey Felicia!" Lily's voice is over enthusiastic.

"Oh, Hi Lily" Flutterwinge wasn't expecting her to talk to her.

There is a pause, and Lily seems to have forgotten its her turn to speak.

"Lily?" Flutterwinge probes.

"Right, uh - I -" she stutters "I had a question about Herbology. I had a doubt."

"Oh. Sure. How can I help you?"

"I um - " She's quiet again. Lily has lost all hopes for coherency.

Flutterwinge chuckles, "Why don't I make this easier for you Lily? I think I know why you're here. No, James and I aren't together."

"You broke up?" Lily is too quick to ask. "And that's not why I'm here." The lie is so obvious.

"No we didn't break up, we weren't dating in the first place" Flutterwinge says.

"Oh."

Severus can imagine Lily scrunching up her nose in disapproval of their behaviour.

"Lily you may have misjudged what you saw the other night."

"I didn't ask -"

"Let me explain anyway. James is a great mate, we get along really well, because of our mutual interest in Quidditch. That night, I found out that my ex-boyfriend had cheated on me. I was really upset and James saw me crying. He took me out to Hogsmeade to cheer me up." Why is everyone hell-bent on painting Potter as a saint to Lily? "I got really drunk and I sort of came on to him, a bit wildly" Flutterwinge continues snickering. "He reciprocated just enough to save me any embarrassment. He said it was alright, but I think that was before we ran into you."

Why is Flutterwinge telling Lily all of this? Lily has no interest in knowing who Potter snogs. She couldn't care in the least, what he has been up to. Neither does Lily particularly care about Flutterwinge. Why is she giving her any explanations. Lily is indifferent to Flutterwinge and she hates Potter.

"He isn't saving every female our year from embarrassment, is he?" Lily says. Severus is bothered by the resentment in Lily's voice.

"He's a hormonal fifteen year old boy Lily. Besides every girl who's ever snogged him, knows it doesn't mean a thing to him. He is hardly ever the initiator."

"He has a reputation," Lily insists.

"A reputation he only likes to further fuel. But anyone who knows James in the slightest, knows he only has eyes for you."

"I don't mean a thing to him either."

And why is that a problem, Severus thinks. Potter is nothing for Lily, they lead separate lives. He has no place in her heart.

"I'm just telling you what I know of him. Good day, Lily."

"Felicia I don't want -"

"My lips are sealed. This conversation never happened." With that Flutterwinge chuckles and goes back to her table.

Lily returns to her own table empty handed. Severus pretends he doesn't notice anything odd. "Where's the book you went searching for?" He asks off-handedly.

"I don't think it had the answer I was looking for." Lily says staring into the distance.

She hates Potter, she had just said she did. It's her nature to see the best in people and yet she never sees an inch of goodness in Potter. She hates him and for good reason. She is never going to fall for the trap of lies Potter and his friends keep trying to push her into. If Lupin and McKinnon cannot convince her of Potter's intentions, then whatever Flutterwinge says is also inconsequential.

"Lily I was just wondering, what are you going to do about Potter? He has been bothering you a lot lately."

"Sev -"

"I just meant, he is a smooth talker. But he can never truly appreciate you. So, incase you felt - "

"Sev, in spite of his repeated proposals, the only feelings I've ever had towards him are those of intense loathing. He drives me crazy." Lily goes back to her reading, clearly marking an end to the conversation.

She hates him. It's a chant that makes the blood run through his veins. He may be playing tug-of-war with Lily's abhorrent blood traitor and mudblood friends but he will never lose Lily Evans to James Potter.

Anger

It's an hour to go before the Defence Against Dark Arts OWL. He has been looking for Lily all over the castle. They had decided to quiz each other one last time before the final exam. He has been particularly jittery about this one. While it's one of his best subjects, he finds his natural tendencies are always to attack rather than defend. These instincts alone counteract his skills. The situational questions therefore boggle him. More often than not he tends to disagree with the course of action prescribed in the books. They've been written to suit the mediocre wizards who cannot help themselves. For someone more powerful and skillful, it's better to use riskier techniques that yield more impactful outcomes. For now, if he has to ace his exams, he has to abide by the books, something he has trouble doing.

Lily was suppose to meet him near the dungeons at seven in the morning. When she didn't arrive even by eight, he decided to go look for her. He desperately needs her help reviewing the course material on merpeople. She had promised to help him out in the morning after he began panicking last night. It's ridiculous how little he cares about these exams and yet how much effort he has to. put in.

He sees Mary MacDonald and Alice Fortescue from a distance. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He rushes to the pair. "Have either of you seen Lily?" He tries keeping his tone as neutral as possible.

"I think she's been revising since morning. If I'm not wrong she's been sitting on the windowsill outside Gryffindor common room since 5 am." Fortescue replies. Severus nods and is about leave when he notices a sardonic smile on MacDonald's face.

"I think she was studying with James and Remus" she says sweetly.

Severus feels as if his heart drops to his stomach. He doesn't as much as nod at either of them and runs to Gryffindor tower. With every step he takes forward he can feel the tightness building up in his stomach.

He reaches the Gryffindor common room. Before he can even see them, he hears a boisterous laughter. He slows down his steps. Potter's face is split in a wide grin and he is jumping up and down. Lupin and Lily are scanning their notes sitting on the windowsill at the end of the corridor, searching for something, flipping page after page.

"Why did you bring this toddler with you Remus?" Lily asks Lupin lightly. Their voices echo through the corridor making them completely audible to Severus.

"If I'm a toddler, are you going start calling me baby, Evans?" Potter says lightly punching her shoulder.

"Behave, Prongs" Lupin admonishes.

"I still haven't figured out all this structural theory behind protective charms" Lily whines. "I'm sure I'll forget it as soon as I begin the paper."

"Oh there's a simple way to remember those" Potter says, suddenly serious. "Here, i'll show you." Potter begins scribbling something in her notebook and Lily's eyes widen. "How do you know this?" she asks incredulously.

"My dad taught me before the term began. He thought it might be useful" Potter shrugs.

"I never thought I'd see the day I'd be thankful to James Potter" Lily shakes her head disbelievingly at Lupin.

Lupin chuckles and they carry on reviewing the material before them in silence.

"Oh bloody hell" Lily exclaims suddenly.

Has she finally remembered where she's suppose to be?

"What?" Both Lupin and Potter jump on their spots.

"Sorry, nothing. I just realized my bum is sore from sitting here so long." Lily mutters.

"Go ahead Evans, talk about your bum. Make sure I fail my exam thinking about it" Potter says shamelessly.

"Oh, bugger off Potter"

Potter says something too low for Severus to hear. Lily bursts into a fit of giggles. Potter and Lupin look at her amused. Of course they don't know she tends to become hysterical when she's stressed.

She has completely forgotten about her meeting with Severus. She is busy with them, chatting, and joking, and revising. Severus clenches his fists in anger. He doesnt expect her to be so careless. She should have more sense to than to waste her time with troublesome boys just before an exam. Moreover she has abandoned him in a time that he needed her, abandoned him for them. He leaves without meeting her. If he were to speak to her now, he wouldn't have the kindest words to say.

The exam passes in a haze. He performs the best he cares to perform. Once the final bell ring, he simply dashes out of the exam hall to the Great Lake, looking for some peace and quiet. Unfortunately, most of his year chooses to camp out by the lake, relaxing in the aftermath of one of the tougher exams. He sees Lily stroll down with McKinnon and MacDonald. He doesn't call out to her. She hasn't bothered looking for him, has she? He sits on the ground, under the shade of a tree, leaning back and closing his eyes. He doesn't have the energy to deal with anyone right now, he hardly slept all night. He is just drifting off to unconsciousness when he hears the irksome voice.

"Ah Padfoot! There's Snivellus."

He opens his eyes to see Black and Potter walking to him; Lupin and Pettigrew are following them.

"Heard you're quite the teacher Snape" Black sneers, marching straight to the spot he is sitting at.

Severus gets up and squares his shoulder. "What do you want Black?" He is already enraged.

"What I want is for you to stop rubbing your filth off on Regulus. I know you've been teaching him dark magic, stop manipulating his impressionable mind." Black looks equally furious.

"Now now, Pads" Potter says mockingly, "Let's not judge Snivellus. Maybe he had good intentions behind his actions.

Severus and Potter both draw their wands out.

"Let's see how fond he is of some of his own inventions" Potter smirks.

Before Severus can fire a spell, Potter shouts "Levicorpus!"

Severus is three feet from the ground, dangling upside down. In the shock of being hoisted up in the air he drops his wand to the ground. There are a few gasps from the people around him. Slowly but steadily, people begin gathering around the scene. Everyone is watching him.

"Isn't this spell a part of your curriculum?" Potter asks cockily.

"I believe it was covered under 'Defence Against First Years' while tutoring Reg." Black spits.

Severus had recently taken Regulus Black under his wing. Regulus was a good kid with tremendous potential. Walburga Black, his mother, had personally written to Severus, requesting him to guide Regulus, lest he deviate to the wrong side like his brother. Severus wouldn't have had to do any of it, had Sirius been an exemplary brother.

He doesn't see what Sirius' problem is, he hasn't looked at the boy in the last two years. Regulus too, isn't interested in maintaining any relationship with him. Two days ago, Pettigrew and Lupin had stumbled upon Severus teaching Regulus some of the new spells he had created, on unsuspecting targets. Thanks to the lack of proof, Lupin couldn't report Severus to any teacher and simply gave him a pitiable lecture on morality. It seems that Regulus' secret training sessions have somehow gotten Sirius' attention, so of course Potter has taken it upon himself to please Black.

"You'll pay for this Potter!" Severus tries to sound as menacing as he can, but that isn't possible given his current position.

"When was the last time you took a bath Snivellus?" Potter sniggers. When Severus doesn't respond he continues "Cant remember? Well now is as good a time as any." Potter keeps Severus hanging in the air with his own wand and pours soapy water all over him with Black's wand.

The humiliation and helplessness has Severus' blood boiling. The minutes he gets a hold of his wand he will give Potter exactly what he deserves.

"Potter" - The voice is unmistakable. Lily breaks through the circle of people surrounding them. "Leave him alone!" she bellows. The sight of her only infuriates Severus more. Her words seem hypocritical. Just three hours ago she was chumming up to Potter, laughing at his jokes. Who is she trying to fool by shouting at him?

"Stay out of this Lils" McKinnon tries to stop her but Lily charges to the centre of the scene.

"All right, Evans?" Potter smiles at her arrogantly.

"Leave him alone!" She yells once again. Its funny how empty her threats sound to Severus now.

"I'll leave him alone if you go out with me" Potter says, waving his wand. Severus falls to the ground with a thud. Grass and dirt stick to his wet face face and hair. His arms hurt from the impact of the fall.

"I'd rather go on a date with the Giant Squid" Lily says sounding disgusted.

"Now that's rude Evans, who's going to help Snivellus if the Giant Squid sucks you into the lake?" Potter says, not in the least discouraged.

Severus manages to get up, drenched in water and humiliation. "I don't need any help from a mudblood" he blurts out.

Everyone falls silent. Several people clap their mouths to their hands. In a bout of anger he had used the filthiest word in his vocabulary for his best friend. He regrets the sentence the minute the words shoot out of his mouth, but he can't take them back. For a few seconds, he had truly meant it. But then his fury fades, and the burden of his words burns him alive. He can't decide what's more unbearable - The fact that she saw him in such a state of disgrace, that he had just publicly insulted her, or the hurt that is clearly visible in her eyes.

"Apologize to Evans!" Potter roars. Black, Pettigrew and Lupin are now all pointing their wands towards him. MacDonald is holding back McKinnon, who looks ready to punch him.

"I don't need any apologies" Lily says looking straight into Severus' eyes. Her eyes are bright, but she'll never let a tear fall for anyone unworthy. Severus wonders if he'll ever be worthy of her tears again. She turns around and storms off into the castle. McMcKinnon and MacDonald swiftly follow in her wake.

Before he knows it, he's been suspened in the air again.

"What do you say Padfoot, I reckon Snivellus needs to learn some manners." Potter says. His expression isn't mocking, it's a shade of anger Severus has never seen.

"You should've washed his mouth too Prongs." Black grimaces.

"No worries, there are always more effecient methods." Potter is once again smirking.

Severus can feel the blood rush to his head. He cannot fathom the extent to which this situation has gotten out of control. Lily is the only one who has always stood by him. He can vaguely make out the figures of Mulciber and Avery in a far off corner, laughing at the scene. Anyone who would've sided with him is now completely against him. Lily Evans is well liked and well respected by the student body. No one will forgive him. He doesn't know if he can forgive himself. He is now completely alone.

The thoughts effervescing in his head are drowning out all externals voices. "Anyone wants to see his knickers?" He can faintly hear Potter call out to the crowd. He is helplessly kicking in the air, as he feels his pants come undone. His robe has already been flung upside down. His mind goes numb. He blocks out the shrieks and the laughter. He blocks out the pain he feels when he falls to the ground. He blocks out Lily's face paling with the attack of betrayal.

He has lost his best friend, and possibly the only girl he has ever loved.