The Five Stages of Grief - Part II
Bargaining
It feels like holding out his hand under running water. Every time he tries to close his fist around the stream, it all seeps away, slipping through his fingers. It's impossible to hold on to even a piece of it. If he pulls his hand away, all that will left will be the tiny droplets of memories that will never be enough for his survival.
His throat is parched with his thirst for her attention. He doesn't care what she will say, as long as she will just talk to him. Beggars cannot be choosers, he'll have her happy, angry or sad, so long as he gets to have her.
It's been four hours since that moment. Four extremely slow and painful hours. He feels his heart beat become faster with every second. Or are the seconds slowing down with the thumps of his heart? He doesn't know.
He skirts throught the castle, but there is no sign of her. He doesn't eat dinner that day. He stands guard on the entrance of the Great Hall, he'll catch her going in or out. Several people throw him dirty looks his way as they pass him by, some go as far as hurling an insult or two at him - he doesn't respond. She never shows up. When McKinnon and MacDonald are leaving the Great Hall, he tries asking them for Lily's whereabouts - They point their wands at him and walk away. Alice Fortescue and Frank Longbottom aren't sympathetic towards him either.
He is walking up and down the corridor. The fat lady's eyes are following him like two oscillating beads. Once or twice she tries making a comment on unwanted people at her doorstep, he ignores her. It's about nine right now, the curfew would kick in, in an hour. He'll pretend he's on patrol duty. There is no way he is going back to the dungeons without talking to her. He has already tried his hand at getting the Fat Lady to give him the password but apparently gossip travels fast around the castle, spanning over the student body, professors, ghosts, Peeves, and the portraits. The Fat Lady wouldn't as much as respond to him.
He can distinctly make out the sound of approaching footsteps.They are coming from the adjacent corridor. As the footsteps get louder, voices accompany them.
""Are you sure this will be enough food for her?" That's Black.
"She really isn't in the mood for eating much, but Alice insisted we should stuff something down her throat." Definitely MacDonald.
"How is she doing?"
They've turned the corner. They are carrying a small basket covered with a napkin. Severus snorts. That couldn't contain enough food for a rat.
"She isn't really talking to anyone. We are giving her some space. Thanks for showing me to the kitchens, Sirius."
"That's quite alright - "
They've seen him. He pauses to look at them, when they only stare, he continues his pacing.
"What the hell do you think you are doing here?" Black snarls, regaining his voice.
"I want to speak to Lily" Severus addresses MacDonald, the one who is less likely of the two to hex him.
"She doesn't want to speak to you," MacDonald dead pans.
"Why don't you let her decide that?" Severus says losing patience.
"I think we all decided that on her behalf the moment you called her that filthy word," Black says.
"I'm not leaving until she talks to me. I'll stay here all night if I have to." Severus threatens.
MacDonald shakes her head, "Let's go, Sirius". Black nods and follows MacDonald. The Fat Lady doesn't ask them for the password, knowing Severus would hear them. They disappear inside. The next time the portrait door opens, Severus' heart leaps to his mouth. Lily steps out, clutching her dressing gown close to her body, and looking utterly irritated.
"Lily - " Severus begins but she cuts him off.
"Don't. I only came down here because Mary said you were threatening to sleep out here all night." Lily says testily
"Lily, if you will please just listen to me - " He pleads, but she isn't listening.
"Please don't behave like a creepy stalker Snape."
Severus can feel his heart crack at the use of his last name.
"Lily, you have to understand. I was just so angry and humiliated. I didn't mean to call you that in front of everyone."
"That? You mean, you didn't mean to call me a mudblood . Tell me Snape, how many times have you called me a mudblood behind my back?" Lily says crossing her arms in front of her chest, looking accusingly at him.
"Never! Come on, Lily. You know that's not what I think of you - "
"But that is what you think of other people of my birth?"
He doesn't know what to say, so he goes for his only possible defence "Potter made me! He agitated me into lashing out on you!
"He is always trying to come between us Lily, all because he fancies you." He cries desperately when Lily shakes her head dismissing his arguments.
"That's real mature Snape. Blame your own mistakes on Potter. Potter made you turn your back on your best friend. Potter made you stand neck deep in the knowledge of dark arts. Potter made you join the death eaters' clan."
"Potter and his friends are up to no good!" He insists.
"And you and your friends are evil. Unlike them, you actually wish badly upon people" Lily retorts hotly.
Severus is lost for words again. They've all made her look at him with malice. He can't help but notice how she classifies him as a bad person.
"You can't even deny it, can you? All these years, everyone told me not to even speak to you. I told them they didn't know you well enough. Turns out, they knew better than I ever did."
"Hear me out Lily, please." Severus begs and pleads. He doesn't know what he will say if she does give him a chance to explain, but he knows he'll fix everything somehow. But she doesn't want anything fixed. She is through.
"You chose your way Sev, and I chose mine. This is it," she says, a bit softer now. She turns around, whispers the password and goes back to her dormitory.
"I'm not leaving Lily!" Severus calls out, but it's in vain. Tears begin to trickle down his face - unexpected, unexplained and unending tears. His face is hot and his head is spinning. He slumps down the wall, on to the floor - How did they get here?
He feels cold, like a blanket has been snatched from him and every inch of his skin has been exposed to frost. The hard floor is a physical discomfort he isn't bothered by, the hollowness in his chest has blocked everything else out. It's eating him alive, but he is waiting the night out, hoping, that when the day breaks out again, there will be some comfort, some cure, and some chance for redemption.
A searing pain in his back brings him back to his senses. The cold marble floor he lay eagle-spread on, has wrecked his spine. His neck is strained and his arms are sore. But the pain is nothing compared to the hurt that courses through him when he recalls the events of that day.
It takes him a while to adjust his eyes and see anything in the darkness that engulfs him. The portrait of the Fat Lady finally emerges in his vision. He must have fallen asleep waiting for Lily outside the Gryffindor common room. The last time he knew, the time was past midnight. With some effort, he stands up. Lily hadn't come to him again all night. Come morning, the whole of Gryffindor would be awake. He'd rather talk to her alone, something her housemates would ensure wouldn't happen. A little sleep has brought about a little clarity. The next time he sees her, he needs to gather his thoughts and be sure of what she wants to hear. He isn't ready just yet.
He is trudging his way back to the Dungeons, when to his surprise, he finds that he isn't the only one awake and uncomfortable in the dead of the night. The sound of something scraping and someone scoffing draws his attention.
He finds her sitting on the floor in an empty classroom on the second floor. The room is dimly lit, the flames of the torches more Red than yellow. The light doesn't illuminate even a spot in the corridor, making Severus invisible. At some point in the night, Lily had infact left the common room, stepped over his sleeping form and come here. It's funny that of all the places she could have gone to, wallowing in her hate, she chose to come here. It's the same classroom in which they they practiced brewing potions together when they were younger. Scraps of photographs, parchments and fabric lie all around her. There is a pair of scissors in her hand that provides incriminating evidence against her, explaining the mess. She is obsessively cutting things. She is grabbing hold of anything and everything the scissor blade can pierce, including a strand of her own hair. She has shred some of the parchements to a size that it's difficult to even pick them of the floor with two fingers.
"How long have you been here?"
It isn't Severus who speaks. There is someone else? Severus slowly turns his head to find the owner of the hoarse voice that had appeared out of nowhere.
"That's none of your business" Lily deadpans. Her eyes are focussed on the tip of her scissors.
Potter has been standing inside, leaning against the wall, observing her. He doesn't move an inch. How did Potter know she was out of Gryffindor tower at this time? And how did he find her here? Several times Severus sees Potter open his mouth and close it again. For once in his life, James Potter's smart mouth is stumped.
Every cell in Severus' body is aching to raise his wand and scream 'Crucio', but revenge can wait. The longer Lily doesn't speak to Severus, the longer he loses his chance to make things up to her. He cannot barge into the room now, otherwise there is sure to be another fight. Right now, he doesn't like the odds of Lily being happy about him engaging in another spat. So he decides to wait. He will wait till Lily throws Potter out of the room. Potter will manage to enrage her enough to overshadow her anger with Severus. She may even forgive him, when she sees and compares him to that bastard. Potter's bratiness will remind her of all the things that she likes about Severus. Besides, depending on how long it takes for Lily to forgive him, he'll decide just how much torturing Potter deserves. His best bet is to wait.
Its about fifteen minutes of frustrating silence before either of them speaks again. "What do you want Potter?" Her voice is stony - Potter hesitates before saying anything. She isn't even looking at him. She is now cutting tiny squares out of a blue handkerchief. There are red circles around her thumb and forefinger because of her tight grip along the loops of the scissors. Once again, the only sound in the classroom is the cry of the scissor blade that is too blunt to carve out cloth.
"I just - " Potter begins, then stops. "I thought - " He tries again but then shuts up. He scuffs his toe against the floor in nervousness. A few seconds later, he gives speaking another shot "Are you - "
"Save it. I don't want to hear anything patronizing right now Potter. Leave me alone." She still hasn't given him as much as a glance. She is equally mad with both Potter and Severus.
"Evans, please, just let me say this" Potter pleads.
"Fine, when you find the bleeding sense to be coherent, say whatever you have to say. Don't expect me to respond, just leave when you're done." Severus has never seen Lily be so cold and apathetic. She hasn't loosened her hold on the scissors.
"I'm sorry." Potter whispers.
Lily's head snaps up - "What?"
So she does in fact respond, the scissor still in hand.
"I'm extremely sorry" Potter says looking her in the eye. There is no flicker of arrogance or smugness on his face. He looks like a lost boy.
"For what are you apologizing Potter?" Lily asks warily.
"For everything."
Lily doesn't say anything. She just stares at him, waiting to see the catch behind this mercy plea. When she starts running the scissor through the threads again, he continues, afraid to lose her attention completely - "I'm sorry for being a prat all these years. I'm sorry for always annoying you and purposely getting on your nerves. I'm sorry for being all those things you call me with your surprisingly colourful vocabulary." Lily's lips visibly twitch as she suppresses a smile. Her thumb almost slips out of the scissors. She looks up at him, permitting him to explain what brought on the apology.
Potter stutters under the blare of her full attention. He cannot look her in the eye when he says "I'm also very sorry for what happened today."
Her grip tightens once again. At first her lips are pursed tightly, but then to Severus' utter shock, they break into a full fledged smile. He feels the blood drain from his face. There is no sign of warmth or mirth in her smile. The upward curve of her lips is like the noise from a broken record player. It's as if a dementor has sucked the soul out it, and now it's barren.
"What are you apologizing for? Your proposals are now far too mundane, I've written them off as unavoidable circumstances. You don't need to apologize for that."
That isn't what Potter is apologizing for. She knows it, and Severus knows it. Potter knows she's fibbing, he clarifies anyway.
"I meant, I'm sorry for pushing Snape to the extent that you got hurt." Potter says carefully.
"Merlin Potter, thanks for that. I'm all whole and healed again" She giggles sarcastically. That smile is scary. She isn't even looking at her hands now as she continues her obsessive cutting.
"Evans - "
"Potter did you call me out on being a mudblood?" She asks with the same incredulous smile.
"Dont call yourself that" he protests.
"Well, since you didn't call me a mudblood," she continues, ignoring him, "you are free to go back and sleep."
"Lily, please"
"Ouch!" She's nicked her hand under the handkerchief. Blood is oozing from the small cut on her palm. Potter immediately walks up to her and falls to his knees. He tries to take her hand, but she pulls it away. She rubs her palm on her Pyjamas, ceasing the blood flow.
"Look Potter. I'm sorry, but you've chosen the wrong day to deflate your head. Don't waste your apologies on me, I'm not in a particularly forgiving state of mind." Lily says.
She carefully lifts some of her fringes, keeping them at eye level, and holds the scissors to her forehead. As soon as she is about to make the cut, Potter catches hold of her wrists and brings them down to her lap.
She glares at him, probably adding him mentally to the chopping list.
"I understand that you can't forgive me. To be perfectly honest, I didn't expect you to forgive me either. But can you at least, just for a second, forget - "
"Forget what?" She frees her wrists from his hold, and starts smacking his chest. She has snapped. "Forget that my best friend thinks I'm not worthy of being a witch? Forget that everything I believed in is crumbling around me? Forget that I ever came to Hogwarts? Forget that I am a witch? Because I'd love to forget all that right about now. I'd love to be a simple girl living in the shadow of my sister and forever being a muggle. But as it turns out, forgetting isn't as simple as tossing a snitch around Potter."
Her chest is heaving with the force of her shouting. Sweat beads have appeared on her forehead from the effort of assaulting Potter's chest. Her eyes are tired and defeated, her cheeks are flushed with anger.
Potter shifts from his position and moves to sit beside her. He waits for her breathing to even out, eyeing the scissors still in her hand.
When her cheeks no longer match the shade of her hair, he speaks.
"No, it's not easy to forget all of that. And you shouldn't forget all that either. It's all a part of who you are. But you need some peace of mind, some escape. So forget who I am."
He tentatively puts a hand on her shoulder. Severus swears to amputate it when he gets his revenge. Lily turns her head to look at him in confusion. Confusion is a lot better than that sardonic smile.
"Forget who I am, forget our history. Just for a second, forget how much you hate me."
Is he really so daft that he is trying to hit on her?
"You've gone barking mad Potter."
Lily begins to look away, but he cups her face with his hands. Severus wishes Potter's skin would burn every time he touches her. Lily's eyes widen at his gesture and then she glares down at his hands. He quickly drops them.
"I know my apologies can't fix anything. But I'm giving you an out, to be broken. You need to talk. If you go to Mar or Mary, they'll tell you he's not worth your fretting. If you go to Remus, he'll bring the heavens down to take your mind off it. You're avoiding everyone else. So I am here, just get it out of your system."
"How am I suppose to chuck seven years of friendship out of my system?" Lily asks icily, but a single tear rolls down her cheek, disappearing beneath her chin.
"You can't chuck it out, not without falling apart. So fall apart all you want, I'll hold you together." Potter whispers softly.
What does he mean by he'll hold her together? She'll die before she sees the day she cries in front of James bloody Potter. And there is no need for her to cry. It'll all be fixed if she would just talk to Severus once more. He'll tell her he didn't mean what he said, that it was a stupid mistake. Potter riled him up on purpose. Potter has always tried to ruin their friendship. He'll tell her how importants she is to him. He'll tell her she is his only choice.
Lily is considering him doubtfully. Her sensibilities are reminding her not to trust a. word that comes out of Potter's mouth.
"I'm an immature berk for the most part, as you often point out, but I think I can confidently say, I know a thing or two about being invested in a friendship." He offers her a small grin. She doesn't react. Potter is feeling particularly cheeky today, for he slides his arm across her shoulders and and gives her a slight squeeze. That makes Lily look imploringly into his eyes.
"I promise I won't hold this against you ever. You can do whatever you want - shout at me, hit me, talk to me, say nothing at all. But I'm here as long as you are." Potter says, returning her burning gaze.
"In exchange for forgiveness?" Lily probes.
"No strings attached. If you can find it in your heart to trust me with a piece of you, I swear I'll never mention it again. By this time tomorrow, you can go back to hating me, and I'll go back to annoying you with with my very existence. But just for now, say for an hour, forget that I'm the person you loathe the most, and let it all out." Severus has never heard Potter's voice come out so softly.
Potter removes his arm from around Lily's shoulder. He sits with his knees close to his chest. Lily fidgets with the scissor, snipping at air, dangling its legs, and rolling it between her palms. It's clear that Potter is watching her from the corner of his eye. The silence drags on.
Good. She has decided to sit in silence since he's made it clear she can't get rid of him. She isn't going to fall for Potter's ploys.
He exhales his breath of relief a little too soon.
She stops playing with the scissor and snaps it shut. She then begins to trace something on the floor with the pointed ended before she starts speaking. "I ran to my dormitory right after he called me a mudblood." Potter is startled by her voice, he starts listening to her with rapt attention. She is tracing patterns on the floor, not looking anywhere else, even as she speaks "I just opened my trunk and took out all the photos I had of him and me together. I don't know why I did that." She's silent again. Her hand is moving in a circular motion as she traces rings on the floor, rings that are getting smaller and smaller. Potter says nothing.
"I saw a muggle movie last summer with Petunia. It was quite stupid. There was this scene - The girl's boyfriend broke up with her, so she cut them apart in all their pictures. I never understood what she was trying to achieve. Then again, the movie itself lacked logic and sensibility," She shrugs
The rings are down to a tiny dot. She is pressing the tip of the scissors into the ground.
"I cut all the pictures" She clicks her tongue against her cheek. "My roommates came to me before any inner satisfaction did. But a lot of muggle movies show these kind of things. They supposedly provide closure. It felt like taking medication; a prescribed pain killer, if you will." She waves her hands around over the clutter of scraps around her "This is me popping pills."
Potter's hand once again snakes behind her, patting her back like a child. Neither him, nor Severus have seen Lily in such a delirious state.
As soon as his hand makes contacts with her back she looks up. She looks up and stares at him for a good two minutes, and then stares at the scissors. More silence.
"I asked him a million times if my birth and lineage would be a problem." Her voice is barely a whisper, without a trace of any strength in it.
Potter senses the cracks in the dam that is holding her back. It's clear she's on the verge of spilling her heart. He is taking advantage of her vulnerabilities. He has moved an inch closer to her, enveloping her to his side with his arm. She looks at him again. Her lips are quivering, and she is rapidly blinking her eyes, holding back her outburst. Potter nods at her, giving her another squeeze, coaxing her to speak.
"He always said, it wouldn't matter to anyone." Her voice breaks on the last word and she finally let's out a sob.
Severus is sad to see her cry, but he is horrfied to see her lean into Potter and rest her head on his shoulder. The scissors drop to the floor with a soft clunk. The tears are gushing out now. Potter pulls her closer to him, so that she is sitting in his lap. He wraps both arms around her and cradles her head to his chest.
Severus can feel something rise at the back of his throat. His legs feel weak, and his head is heavy. He slumps to the ground outside the classroom. Mercy is not in his cards as sleep evades him now. He cannot move from his place. His feet are glued to the floor. There is no escaping the jolts that run through his body with every howl of hers that reaches his ears. At this point, he couldn't care less who was with her. All that he can think about is her sobs and whimpers echoing into the night. The sound of her crying haunts him. Just when he thinks he can't take anymore of it, her wails begin to fade. He clutches his knees, hoping it has ended. There is a prolonged silence. She has hopefully drowsed off.
He still cannot move. He dares to peek once more. She is still cradled in Potter's lap, Potter is stroking her hair with one hand, running his other hand soothingly over her back.
The next time he peeks in, Lily has mercifully moved from Potter's lap. She is blowing her nose into a piece of the blue handkerchief that was fortunately big enough. When she snorts, Potter laughs, and a small smile plays on Lily's lips.
She stands up and walks to the centre of the room. Her tear stained face is glistening under the torches lit in the room. She looks around the mess she made and sighs.
"I'll clean that up. You go back and get some sleep," Potter offers.
"I don't loathe you," she says softly, ignoring his proposition altogether. Potter looks taken aback by her words.
"Is that a way for you to say you actually think I'm a decent bloke?" He smirks.
She is already at work. Sorting the mess and creating separate piles for paper and cloth. She wipes her face with some pieces of fabric. Potter transfigures the heaps of cutouts into ashes and sweeps them to the corner of the room.
"If I say yes, does that mean I can expect you to be a decent bloke at all times?" She asks, watching him intently.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night Evans." He pulls her cheek and goes back to his cleaning.
They are almost done removing all signs of Lily's maniacal attack. She looks a lot more calm and collected now. Sad, but still hopeful.
"Does this mean I'm forgiven?" Potter asks, nervously running his hands through his hair.
"Whatever helps you sleep at night Potter" Lily smirks, and Potter's eyes sparkle with mischief.
Severus uses all his energy to get up and drag himself away from the room. No matter how much he wants to talk to her, he doesn't have the courage to face her just then. Not after he has heard her bawling her eyes out in the arms of her nemesis. He has inflicted enough pain on her already.
But he is hopeful. If she can forgive Potter, she can definitely forgive him. He will do anything to make her happy again. He will give up anything, just to have her smile at him once more. Potter has made her look past five years of animosity, surely Severus and Lily can step around one bad incident. He will talk to her and he will do exactly as she pleases. If she wants him to stop hanging around with Mulciber and Avery, he will figure out a way to make that happen - at least in her eyes. He'll stop probing Lupin's mystery. He'll even stop hexing MacDonald and McKinnon. All he needs is for her to hear him out, without deciding in her head that she hates him.
If Potter can get to her, then so can he.