The Five Stages of Grief - Part III

Depression

To

Severus Snape

In the next six days there will be attacks all over Britain. Each attack will be a call for a revolution.Those who oppose our ideologies, oppose the well-being of our world. Mudbloods, muggles, blood traitors - none shall be spared.

You shall receive a portkey on the seventh day. It will be your gateway to become one of us.

The letter had descended in his life without any warning the previous night. It now lies on his desk, glaring at him, burning him with its gaze every second. Just lifting that piece of parchment had felt like holding a tombstone - heavy and morbid. They don't expect a response, there had been no owl in sight when the letter had arrived. They only expect him to be there. He pulls up the sleeve of his ratty grey jumper and stares at the pale skin of his forearm, bones protruding from his skinny wrists.

Rodolphus Lestrange had said the mark hurts in the beginning, it throbs like a big agitated scar. Bellatrix had said that she was so overwhelmed with excitement and gratitude, she hadn't noticed the pain.

How long does he have till the black curves and lines snake around his arm, marking him as one of them?

It has been three weeks since he has been back home for the vacations, yet, it feels like an eternity. It's been three weeks of weighed down emptiness, fidgeting and helplessness. At night, sleep evades him and in the mornings, he cannot find a reason to wake up. He has two dreams every night. The first is always the same, Lily wailing in Potter's arms, Potter touching her with his filthy hands, clutching her close to his body. The second dream is the same scenario in different settings. He is pointing his wand at a person lying flat on the ground. The man, or it may just be a woman, is faceless - the face is always a blur. The person is writhing in pain, screeching and begging for mercy. From his vantage point, Severus can see his own face - expressionless and unflinching. Sometimes he's in a graveyard, sometimes he's in the living room of a mansion, and sometimes he's in the forbidden forest. There are masked figures surrounding him, cheering him on. It's oddly satisfying. Neither of the dreams qualify as nightmares, but both tend to leave him sleep deprived.

The first attack is brutal. The head of the 'Misuse of Muggle Artefacts' Office at the Ministry of Magic is found crucified to the wall by nails outside his house. The story of the ruthless murder flashes in the Daily Prophet as well as the muggle newspapers. The Prophet describes Carmen Bologna as a victim of revenge pertaining to his personal conflicts. It's a taboo to even acknowledge that the Dark Lord and his forces have openly challenged the Ministry.

The Second one is more subdued in technique, but severe still in sheer numbers. Seven off-age muggleborn wizards in different parts of England are murdered using the killing curse at exactly 7 pm. Their bodies are found with the word mudblood carved on their foreheads. It's a bold statement made by the death eaters. Mulciber's father invites Severus and the rest of their group to witness his stint in the carnage. It is just in the outskirts of Bristol. The victim is a middle-aged brunette. Her fist remains clenched around the spatula she had been holding, as the life drains out of her eyes and she drops listless on her kitchen floor. Mulciber, Avery, Nott and Severus each inscribe two letters in the pale white skin between her temples.

The attack in Devon County is carried out by Bellatrix, while Lucius Malfoy claims the Ravenclaw boy who had been the head boy at Hogwarts in their year. The youngest slayers are Amycus and Alecto Carrow. The twins have just completed their third year at Hogwarts along with Regulus Black. The Carrows murder one of their mudblood neighbours and then burn the house in their enthusiasm. Fenrir Greyback drags away the body of his victim into a secluded forest to make a meal out of it on the upcoming full moon. Corban Yaxley finishes of an elderly man in Gloucestershire and Igor Karkaroff terminates the seventh victim of the day in South Yorkshire.

Severus sits stiffly in his chair skimming over the Daily Prophet. It is full of articles covering the attacks and information on memorial services being held all over the country for seven nobodies. The Death Eater movement has been gaining momentum. All the new recruits are cunning and skillful, yesterday's attacks are a proof of that. Five out of the seven murders were carried out by wizards that are less than twenty years old. It's madness to undermine their power. Catastrophe and casualities are swaying everyone to either side. The road is winding quicker than he running, he has to choose his way.

He doesn't know what to do. He is standing there, staring at the backyard of the Evans household, aimlessly passing time.

This is his fifth visit since the vacations had begun. He knew what to expect when he came here. He rang the bell like always. He heard her upbeat, enthusiastic steps skipping to the door. There was a three second pause, when she peered through the peephole. He heard her footsteps retreat, faster and harder now. Like always, he rang the bell again, and he could barely make out the footsteps this time. Violet Evans opened the door, and hesitantly greeted him. He asked her the question even though he knew the answer. Mrs. Evans made up some excuse about Lily being unavailable, he didn't bother to really hear it. She offered him the same awkward but kind smile. He nodded, the door slammed shut in his face. But unlike before, he didn't set off to return right away. Instead he just stood by Lily's house. Every now and then he circles the periphery, observing the structure from different angles.

The attacks had him thinking of Lily. Her fortunate age had spared her from being a part of the massacre. He knows she is a potential victim. Two days of wreckage have him preparing for the worst possible outcomes in the four days to come. Of course, there is the possibility, that him dangling around her house will only draw attention to her. But how can he leave? He needs to know what her plan is. He needs to know that she will be safe.

The sun is paticulary glary today. It soaks him in sweat and prickles the pallid skin of his neck. A loud thud and some commotion from inside catches his attention. He tries to look through the living room window. He can count more figures than those of the known four occupants of the Evans household. His heart leaps and skittles in his chest. There are definitely two new men inside. He can't see anything past their broad shoulders and long upper-bodies. There isn't enough light coming from the room for him to make out who they are. He doesn't have any information about today's attack. Could they be targeting students today? Lily is outspoken enough to top the list, if that's the case. His fellows surely would have mentioned her to their families. There is an unpleasant lurch in his stomach. He hurries towards the front door. He doesn't know how he will stop them, but he has to try. He'll beg them to spare her. He draws out his wand and is about to break the door open when realization hits him. If two death eaters had indeed broken into Lily's house he would've definitely heard some screams and shouts by now, and yet there is an amicable silence. There aren't any spells being fired either. He pressed his ears to the door and hears exuberant laughter and chattering. So there is no danger. The intruders have to be wizards, Severus hadn't seen anyone walk towards the house. Severus quickly moves to the side of the door, as he hears the door knob click, hiding behind the pot of flowers he had seen Lily plant as a kid.

Lily Evans walks out sandwiched between Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, both of whom have flung an arm around her shoulder.

"Will you boys be staying for lunch?" Mrs. Evans calls out from inside.

"No, thanks Mrs. Evans. We'll head home right after dropping Lily back." Lupin says turning over his shoulder. When Lupin pauses and stares at a spot near the door, Severus is sure he's been seen. But when the other two tug him along, Lupin shrugs and turns away.

What are they doing here? It's bad enough that Lily isn't talking to him, now they are lurking around in her backyard. The marauders are like vultures, scavenging off the remnants of their broken friendship. It's appalling.

"So" Lily begins, breaking free of their hold and clapping her hand. "Now that we're out of my mum's earshot, why are you two here?" Severus can imagine her eyes suspiciously narrowing down to slits.

"We missed you, Red" Black says tickling her side.

Lily smacks his hand away, grinning none the less, "Be serious, please."

"I am Sirius", Black guffaws, and this time both Lily and Lupin hit him on his head.

"Checking if I'm still alive and kicking?" Lily says, miserably trying to mask the gravity of the situation with a stupid grin and poking their shoulders. There is an uncomfortable pause. "It's alright, you guys aren't the only ones", she sighs. "Marlene sent me and Mary six letters each, using all the owls available to her. Alice and Frank dropped by last night. Apparently they were on a date, when they ran into a particularly smug looking Lucius Malfoy. In fact, my darling friend Snape may have stopped by as well", Lily grimaces.

Snape. It feels like someone has stabbed his heart with a knife and is twisting the blade till he'll cry in pain. Every step he takes, following the trio, seems like walking barefoot with blisters. The shadows under his eyes and drooping eyelids are begging for mercy under the red and the heat of the blazing sun. She is harbouring as many people as she can in her life to remove all traces of his existence. Snape.

"Lil, perhaps you could consider living with the McKinnons for a while? Marlene would be happy to have you and Mary, you know that." Lupin suggests.

"That's too much of an imposition, Remus" Lily waves him off, shaking her head.

"Imposition?" Black shrieks "Do you think me permanently living with the Potters is an imposition as well?" There's a slight resentment in his voice.

"You live with the Potters?" Lily inquires, biting her lip. She's afraid she may have unknowingly hurt Black. As if the menace could ever care about being a burden on anyone. Lupin rushes to Lily's rescue.

"Don't be daft Padfoot. They consider you their second son. For Merlin's sake, your name is in their will." He placates Black.

"So is your's" Black says sheepishly.

"I never said I'm not their family."

"That's generous" Lily comments wide eyed.

Lupin and Black chuckle. "Prongs' parents are like that. They try to show their love in every possible way. As compared to most pure bloods, their family is quite small; They are always willing to welcome more people." Lupin shrugs.

And once again she is surrounded by people speaking of how magnanimous Potter is, when really he is a privileged brat who has accepted some charity cases as friends. He wonders if Lily has spoken to Potter again since the other night. She is about to answer Severus' question.

"Did Potter say anything to either of you?" She is eyeing the two boys warily, searching for any glimpse of suspicion.

"About?" Lupin prods.

"About what happened after - " Her voice breaks. She visibly swallows, avoiding both their gaze. "You know, after the incident by the lake."

Lupin and Black exchange puzzled glances.

Lily judges their expressions. "Never mind", she says quickly. "Forget what I said. And please don't tell him I asked," she pleads. The boys simply nod.

"We are deviating from the subject. It's not safe for you to be here Lily. You're all alone and unprotected. It's - "

"I'm not going anywhere," Lily says firmly.

The boys look like they want to protest, but she shakes her head and smiles at them.

"I hardly get to spend a quarter of the year with my family. I'm not letting the fear of some psychotic murderers take that away from me. They are everywhere, and therefore I'm not safe anywhere. Besides, sheltering a muggleborn in their home, would draw attention to the McKinnons, I can't do that to them."

For once in his life, Severus whole heartedly agrees with Black and Lupin. Why does she have to be so stubborn?

"Ha! There are three aurors living in that house", Black snorts. "Being safe and not drawing attention isn't exactly their style. What's your next stupid reason?"

Lily frowns, but decides against berating him. "There is also the fact that the death eaters may target the families of muggleborns. I'm sure they loathe the people who managed to bring filth in this world. If I'm not around, who will protect my parents?"

"Lily, we can put protective enchantments around your house. The Death Eaters will never know where your parents stay," Lupin says confidently.

The confidence is rather ironic, though, considering Severus has practically been shadowing them for a mile, listening to every word, and not one of them has noticed yet.

"I doubt that'll help", Lily says, with a humorless smirk on her face. "Snape knows my family's routine at the back of his hand. He knows a lot about us. He could have us dead in minutes."

The knife that was injected in his heart, is now slicing his heart apart. She thinks he'll want her dead? She actually believes she is in danger from him. After all these years of trust and companionship, she thinks of his presence in her life as toxic? All these years, he has only loved her, and somehow she has decided he hates her enough to have her killed. There is a stunned silence amongst the small group.

"Lil, I don't think Snape can go as far as - " Lupin begins hesitantly, but Lily snaps at him.

"You don't think, huh? Well what do you even know Remus? The reason I always defended him against all of you was that I believed there was light inside of him. I believed he was good, and in times like these, when we can trust only a few, we should keep our friends as close as we can. And now, I feel like I - " Lily is on the verge of sobbing, when Black stops dead in his tracks and faces her.

"Hold on a minute!" He almost shouts, bracing both his arms on her shoulder. He is scanning her with reproachful eyes "Are you telling me, that that slimy git has given you trust issues?"

Lily rolls her eyes, she has some how managed to contain her tears, but she's avoiding Black's gaze. His face hardens, his grey eyes smouldering with something Severus cannot quite pin point. Lupin's face is a bit softer, almost sympathetic.

"Lil, I know betrayal is hard to get over. But all your other friends love you and want you. Most of us believe that your magical prowess is superior to our's. You have to know that. Nobody thinks any less of you." Lupin squeezes her shoulders, but Lily isn't relenting.

"Evans, it isn't right to punish and isolate your true friends because of that blighter. They don't deserve that," Black says sternly.

Lily let's out a small laugh. "Merlin, maybe I didn't correctly word my thoughts. I know I have good friends. But Snape introduced me to the wizarding world. He was my first friend after Petunia. And now I'm making my peace with the possibility of him having my blood on his hands. Aren't I allowed to be a little bitter?"

Lupin looks aghast, but Black bursts out laughing. Lily is talking about broken bonds and death, and this bloke is laughing. Bella is right, Sirius Black was born insane.

"I like this sardonic version of you, Red." He says, ruffling her hair. In response, Lily also giggles.

Lupin sighs, and gives her safety one last shot - "Can you at least promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"If you feel the slightest bit suspicious of anything around you, you will immediately floo your arse to Potter Manor."

Lily and Black giggle at Lupin's uncharacteristically crude vocabulary.

"If I say yes, can we stop discussing the death eaters, my possible murder, Severus Snape and instead go get some ice cream?"

Lupin nods, while Black lets out another choked laugh at her bluntness.

"Then yes." Lily claps them both on the back, and they start walking.

Severus stops trailing them. If he has to hear his name roll out of her lips with such disgust and hate even once more, he is sure he will crumple and break. She is erasing every piece of him from her memory, and yet all he can think about, is her. It was a mistake made in one insignificant, miscalculated, negligent, feckless, miniscule moment, but the punishment seems to be an eternity. The blood is thrumming loudly in his head, as the burden of his loss weighs him down, countless memories flood his mind making his head spin.

It was that look in her eye, after the incident by the lake, as she put it. He recalls the first time she met Tobias Snape, Severus' father. After hearing numerous stories of how he had abused Severus, and beat him up, she couldn't bring herself to be polite. She looked at his father like she couldn't imagine anyone more evil than him, like if it were up to her, she would make sure he wouldn't see Severus again. There was a combination of hate, anger, resentment, hostility, and reproach smouldering in her emerald green eyes, standing out from her plump cheeks and tiny eleven year-old body. Severus had felt utterly loved and protected in that moment. That was the moment, he knew she cared for him, she was his safe haven.

And then, right after she recovered from the shock of him calling her a mudblood, her gaze had pierced him with the same combination of hate, anger, resentment, hostility and reproach.

In all their years of wrangling, she had never looked at Potter like that. She had never harboured so much disdain for Potter. And her voice, oozing with hate, when she took his name, has left him defeated, shattered, crestfallen and inconsolable.

Acceptance

The third attack is a welcome break for all aurors and officials after the havoc created in the past two days. The Muggle Studies Professor at Beauxbaton Academy of Magic is kidnapped in the the morning and murdered by evening. The Death Eaters have set foot in the Institutes of Education. At every nook and corner, there are whispers about parents not letting their children join school for the upcoming term. Questions are raised on the adequacy of the protection provided by schools.

The fourth attack makes International news. The muggleborn seeker of the Holyhead Harpies, Batista Hewlett is killed after her team's friendly match against Puddlemore United. Her body is found on her broomstick, levitated in the air, in the middle of Kilbister Stadium. The Federation of International Quidditch Teams calls of the World Cup that was due to begin in August, in view of the tragedy. The Captain of the Holyhead Harpies says she would like to kill some Death Eaters with her bare hands, in her statement to the Daily Prophet.

It fares well to know one's friends, and it fares even better to know one's enemies. Lily Evans is smart enough to know that. She was right to have stayed back at her parent's house. Though, had she been so unfortunate, Severus doubts her presence would've created any difference; As it didn't for any of the others. The fifth attack hits the student of Hogwarts closer to home. Seven Hogwarts muggleborn students, all from different years, become orphans in a matter of hours. Mary MacDonald is among them.

Severus is staring at the letter lying on his desk. He is staring so hard that his eyes are strained, and the alphabets aren't even registering in his head as he reads it over and over again. The creases run in a random fashion all over the parchment from being crumpled into a ball and smoothed out so many times. His desk is also littered with some of the letters he had written to Lily and couldn't bring himself to send them to her. He had sent her a few letter at the beginning of the Summer, back when he was more optimistic - she had most unceremoniously burnt them without even reading them.

Tap. Tap. Thud. Thud. Thud. Ringing. Tap. Ringing. Thud. Ringing.

Someone is at the door. Severus scowls and drags his feet to the dingy, tunnel-like corridor which is a sorry excuse for a hallway. The door creaks and screams as Severus pulls it open with force to overcome the friction between the wood and rough and stoned floor.

The plight of the door is forgotten the moment he sets his eyes upon his visitor. Lily Evans is standing at his porch, her arms wound tightly around her chest, her thick red mane tied in a pony tail, and her teeth digging hard into her pink lower lip, close to drawing blood. She looks beautiful. His heart swells and threatens to burst out of his ribcage, his fingers tighten their grip around the handle of the door.

She is scared. He is sure of it. Her wider - than - usual green eyes are betraying the bravado she puts on. Is that why she is here? Has she finally understood he can protect her? He can pull enough strings to make sure she's spared. All these years he tried to explain it to her, but he isn't the best with words. Its unfortunate that it took five attacks to show her which way to go. The Dark Lord will make an exception for her. He values power over all. With such exceptional skills, Lily will definitely take his fancy. He is internally jumping on his spot. Is she coming back to him? Has she understood that no good can come from being around those Gryffindors, she'll only sink deeper in grave danger.

"Lily," he manages to croak with a smile, "come on in."

She raises a hand to stop him. Why is she hesitant about coming in? Does she feel guilty about the way she has been treating him? He doesn't mind. As far as he is concerned, all is forgotten.

"Lily," He begins to persuade her, but she shakes her head.

"This is the last time I'm here speak to you, so I want you to hear me out clearly," her tone is practiced and emotionless.

Severus gulps visibly. What? Any sentence that uses the words last time, is unlikely to lead to reconciliation. "Lily, it doesn't have to be the last time. We can - "

"Mary MacDonald is sitting in my bedroom, contemplating suicide, as we speak. She has barely uttered three sentences in the last. twelve hours. So yes, this is the last time." She shouts, her infamous temper visibly coursing through her body, reddening her cheeks and hardening her eyes.

She's so scared, she probably isn't thinking clearly. But he can keep her safe. He will make sure she makes it back to school untouched. "Lily, nothing will happen to you, I assure you."

"I don't need your assurances, Snivellus." Her hand is itching for her wand. "I'm not oblivious. I know you've been stalking me around almost every time I step out of my house. I ignored it up until now, but not anymore." She moves one step closer to him, but it seems like she is slipping further away.

"Lily, I just want you to be safe. I won't let anything happen to you," he pleads to no avail.

"I hate you, and I hate everything you stand for. You say you want to protect me, and yet all I can think of when I see you, is destruction. Incase I wasn't clear to you that night, I want nothing to do with you. Stay away from me, stay away from my family, and stay away from my friends." And with that, underage wizarding laws be damned, she cast the silencing spell, glued his feet to the ground, and marched away.

Three hours later, the final victims are claimed. Renowned Historian, Bathilda Bagshot's entire family of twenty five is wiped out. Being away from the country on an expedition, Bathilda survives. The Bagshots, one of the oldest pure blood family names, had been actively protesting against the subtle insurgency of the Death Eaters into the Ministry of Magic.

The rusted metal wrist watch lies on top of the letter, ticking in an anti-clockwise direction. It hadn't been there when Severus had last been in the room, ten minutes ago.

Severus examines the watch, holding it between two fingers. The needles are crooked, the hour hand doesn't move at all. He doesn't know how long he has been staring when the dial begins to glows and then the light spreads steadily to the bands. He keeps his gaze fixed on the stagnant hour hand as the room around him begins to spin. He doesn't look, as his familiar surroundings disappear and are replaced by the unknown.

He clumsily stumbles and nosedives straight into the ground, his hands raking across mud. Lily's voice is echoing in his head. Stay away from me. He is in a forest, a forest so thick, that his surroundings are all dark. The daylight cannot break through the canopy of trees. He isn't alone. Stay away from my family. There are at least fifty other people around him. Some are standing in small groups, others are like him, lying on the ground, having been flung off by the portkey. Some are muttering excitedly to each other, others are quiet. Stay away from my friends. Some people he has known or heard of, others are unfamilar.

The definite zipping sound of apparition hushes everyone, leaving a ringing silence. Severus can feel his spine stiffen, as a snake slithers around the chalky, cadaverous feet of the new entrant. I hate you and I hate everything you stand for. Severus cranes his neck, not daring to move more than that. It's not an appearance one gets to see every day. The man is in his mid-fifties, but is radiating with energy. His ashen skin sticks to his frame, looking almost grey against his scorching red eyes. He has snake-like slits for nostrils, and yet they are flaring with fire, flaring enough to burn down a village.

You chose your way Sev, and I chose mine.

Severus supports himself on his knees, and then scrambles to his feet. This is it. He squares his shoulders, maintains a passive expression on his face, and for the first time, comes face to face with Lord Voldemort.