Olympus and the methods of rationality
Disclaimer: If I owned Percy Jackson (Which I don't), Pertemis would be canon (Which it isn't). Also, I don't own Monty Python's Life of Brian, which should be obvious, it's called "Monty Python's" for a reason.
Chapter 3: Ankontena
They walked. Of course Lady Artemis didn't deign to use magic or whatever the hell (oh, sorry, Styx) the gods used to be gods. That doesn't sound right. Let me start again. Ahem.
They walked. Of course they didn't, you know, ride a dragon, or chariots, or even an effing taxi. At least, Harper mused, it wasn't raining. He wondered how far away New Rome was. He wondered about a lot of things, some of which he asked the demigods, and some he kept to himself. It was interesting, really, how the world and religion worked. He wondered about all those people in the world who worshipped other deities than the Greek/Roman ones. It was weird.
They walked. He wondered how long it would take them to get to New Rome (again). Hopefully it wasn't anywhere within three thousand miles of Old Rome.
They walked. As they passed some centaurs partying (The word "passed" being used very loosely, here, as the huntresses did not want to fraternize with centaurs for some reason.), Harper wondered how this worked. Was it really just like Discworld? That if enough people believed one thing or another, it just became real? He sighed, and tried not to give himself too much of a headache thinking on it.
They walked. At around evening, Harper gave in and asked Jason where New Rome was.
"San Francisco," he answered, "near Oakland Hills."
Harper just gaped at that.
At nightfall, they camped . . . somewhere. Harper didn't know where they were, exactly. Nor did he care, he just kept thinking how strange it was, to be on an adventure. He had always wondered why characters in stories wanted normal, boring, lives instead going out and adventuring. He understood now, a little. He sighed, then turned over in his sleeping bag the huntresses gave him and went to sleep.
"Why exactly did you have to kidnap me?"
Annabeth looked at Harper pityingly. "Well, it's pretty simple, but at the same time kind of complicated."
"Oooookay, that makes sense," Harper said.
She glared at him. "Yeah, anyway. Basically, we received intelligence that a bunch of telkhines were on the move, heading towards Hoover dam. Us Greek demigods just happened to be in camp Jupiter when the intel arrived. This was the largest stirring of monsters in a long while, ever since the defeat of Gaea, actually. We got on our way, and found that the hunters were already there, waiting for the telkhines. We were not able to question any of them, but it's pretty obvious they were after you."
"You haven't really answered my question . . . "
"Well, if we didn't get you," Annabeth answered slowly, as if talking to a little child, "they would have sent more to get you."
"Ah."
After several days of questions, half-assed answers, walking, wondering, walking, and more walking, they arrived.
At first, Harper wasn't impressed, it was in a maintenance tunnel. What, is New Rome just a sewer-city? Like that Neil Gaiman book he'd read somewhere? When they went through it, he was a little impressed, so they'd managed to use magic to hide a river and a city, cool. When he saw the actual city, he was more than impressed. It was, all in all, pretty damn cool.
If he had harbored any doubts about these Greek and Roman gods, they were gone now. Well, almost gone, that is.
"Okay," said Jason, "tomorrow, we're going to have the senate take a look at you. They'll judge you, try to guess whose son you are, and we'll see. Oh, and there'll be some gods in the senate, and two or three Lare."
"Ah," Harper said intelligently, "and what exactly is a Lar -" But Jason was already walking away.
"You'll be sleeping over there," Jason said over his shoulder, pointing at a nearby hill."
"Ok," said Harper, feeling rather lonely.
The next morning, a Roman demigod shook Harper awake at the crack of dawn.
"The senate will be starting in 15 minutes; you'd better get ready. Do you have any togas?"
"Any- What?"
And that was how Harper ended up in the middle of the House of Senate wearing naught but his bed sheets. Either they really didn't have any spares in his size, or they were trying to make a fool of him. If it was the latter, they were certainly going to succeed. The sheets kept slipping in places togas should not slip. He was feeling quite irritated at all of this.
"Order! Order in the Senate!" yelled the girl called Reyna. It took a few moments for the senate to quiet down. "Okay! So we have gathered here today to judge this . . . person, Harper O'Malley! He seems to be the object that the telkhine group was trying to retrieve. Lady Artemis has said that while he is not a demigod, he has an ancient divine aura. Senator Prolius, you have the floor." She sat down, and Prolius stood.
"Hyperius Mallus! Am I correct in saying that one of your parents is missing?"
"Oh yes," said Harper rather irritably, "it's my dad. See, he was never married to my mum."
There were some snickers in the senate. Prolius frowned.
"Do you know the name of your father?"
"Yeah," said Harper, now thoroughly fed up, "my mum might have said something about him. Naughtius Maximus, I think he was."
There were even more snickers in the senate, even Reyna looked a little amused.
"What are you all laughing about?"
Harper turned, and looked. The speaker was one of those ghost-god things.
What were they called again? Oh, yeah. Lare.
"I don't understand, what's so funny?" demanded the Lare.
"I think it's a joke," said the senator who was nearest him, "You know, like Sillius Soddus, or Biggus Dickus."
There were some chuckles.
"What's so funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?" demanded the Lare.
"Well, it's a joke name."
There more snickers.
"Nonsense, I had a very good friend in Rome named Biggus Dickus!"
People were actually laughing now.
"Silence!" this was Reyna now, "What is all this insolence? You will find yourself demoted to Legionnaire very quickly, with rotten behavior like that!"
The senate quieted down considerably.
"Can I go now, ma'am?" Harper asked.
"What? No, we're not done yet."
"If only Biggus Dickus knew about this." Muttered the Lare.
All the senators turned red, not daring to breath. One of them, however, couldn't take it and burst out laughing.
"Right!" yelled the Lare, who apparently was high of status, "Take him away!"
"But, sir," said the senator nearest him, "He only- "
"No, no," said the Lare, "I want him mopping the barracks within a day."
Some guards dragged the offending senator away, him laughing all the way.
"I will not have my friends ridiculed by these young upstarts," said the Lare, "Even if they are senators."
There was an awkward silence. Harper was doing his very best not to giggle.
"Now," continued the Lare, "does anyone else feel like having a little . . . giggle . . . when I mention my friend . . . Biggus- "
A senator let out a small, snort-like laugh.
"Dickus?"
Some senators were now laughing silently in their seats. Harper was biting down on his lips. Reyna was looking like she trying not to laugh as well.
"He has a wife, you know." The Lare continued slyly.
Oh dear god, no thought Harper.
"You know what she's called?"
There was total silence now, as everyone prepared to attempt not to laugh.
"She's called . . . 'Ankontena'"
Here, the Lare paused, and everyone let out a silent sigh of relief.
"Ankontena Buttocks."
All hell (Hades?) broke loose. Most of the senators were laughing, some were rolling around on the ground. Reyna looked like she was laughing, but trying not to breathe.
"Stop it! What is all this!?" yelled the Lare, but everyone was too busy to obey his commands.
Harper had by now collapsed on his chair and was proceeding to beat the life out its arms.
"I've had enough of this rowdy rebel sniggering behavior! Silence! Call yourselves senators of New Rome? You're not- seize them, seize them!" this was to the guards, who had just arrived to see what all the commotion was about. "Blow your noses and seize them! Bloody traitors . . ."
And thus ended Harper's examination.
AN: So . . . Another chapter done. Sorry about the delay, but online classes have started, and some bright person thought it would be a good idea to start the school year with homework. Also, I was lazy. Next chapter might be in another month. Dunno. Oh, and I have some ideas for fanfics.
Hogwarts in quarantine. Ought to be fun, shouldn't it?
A time traveler going back to meet the golden trio. Telling them about fanfiction. Dunno about this, though . . .
PS: If you didn't get the last joke, say "ankontena" syllable by syllable. Then say her full name.