"Father! We're going to crash! AAAAAAAAH"
"No, Shinji! We're way too young to die!" I screamed before I tried to control my car back, only for it to went even wilder. "OH NO! WE'RE GOING TO DIEEE!"
The gravel side of the road, luckily, did its job. Our car's speed slowed down before we crashed into the bush, enough to make it a hard but cushy bump.
And so my son and his soon to be girlfriend saved without any injury, even without seat belt. Still, use your seat belt, everyone!
"Oh, Shinji. You are rough."
And our closet pervert just keep mouthed something sensual.
It also made my pee pee a little harder too. Damnit, this was the clone of your wife, Gendo! Surely her genetic purity was extremely low, but it's still awkward, god to the damn it!
"How you keep getting harder?"
That was when Shinji decided to knock Rei out of his lap, and she ended up landed on the ground, enough to make her slipped out of her dream state.
"Ouch. W...what just happened?" Rei asked as she got up.
"I'LLBEOUTSIDEFORAWHILEFATHERREIGOODBYE!"
And with Shinji ran away to get rid of his teenager problem (which I did not want to see the process), I went to ask Rei some questions.
"What did you dreamed, Rei?"
"Something pleasant. And I...I never dreamed before."
"That's good, Rei. That means you're closer to become more human! Feel something else?"
"I feel...wet? What just happened?"
"Uh, I think it was a really pleasant dream, Rei. If...you catch my drift."
Rei gave me her patented blank stare, before got the hint and blushed at the implications. She read the biology book, after all.
Yeah, serves right for nearly killed us all.
-evangelion-
"Shinji's taking his time." I said the obvious. "I wonder if he really thought that much of you, Rei..."
"Y-you somehow embarrassed me, sir."
"Ah, I am sorry. That was too lewd on my part." I apologized, not too sincerely of course. I wanted having fun here, and making my kid's relationship with his soon-to-be girlfriend as awkward as possible was just one you'd expected from an expert dad like me. "Anyway, I think I'll search for him."
My eyes were set into the path where you can find restroom, which could be read as simply following the main road. That was the most likely outcome of Shinji's current complication. He went to the bathroom, he either poured the whole cold water on him, or...EoE happened way too early, luckily with much better respect and sanity from his part.
"Dude, come one! Just spill it out!"
"Yeah, it's not very common for anyone to find their friend in the wilderness and just dropped his pant with a hard-on!" Man, I could sense the heat came out of my son's cheek, and I haven't had him in sight yet.
"I've told you, that I was trying to apply cold water on it!"
"Shinji, Shinji. The fact that you didn't even trying to deny that you had a boner was really telling. I knew your guardian's really hot though, so can't blame ye that much for popping boners here and there."
"Or, considering your tight outfit as pilot, you have seen Rei in similar suit, showed her gorgeous, irresistible figure."
"W-WHAT?"
"Or even better, you saw her changed in a test or something! So tell me, is the carpet match the-"
"As much as I am amused with this teenager conversation, I have to order you two to stop making fun of my-"
"COMMANDER IKARI HAVE LOCATED US! WE'RE DOOMED"
"SIR, WE'RE COMPLETELY SORRY THAT I DECKED YOUR SON! I WAS A FOOLISH BOY THREE BOYS AGO, I PROMISE I CHANGED!"
"Uh..." I turned speechless as the two boys took everything I did in the wrong way.
"HE REJECTED OUR APOLOGY!"
"THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET OUT OF THIS! TOUJI'S SUPERKICK! AAAAAAAA!"
Oh, dear...
-evangelion-
"WE'RE SORRY! WE'RE SORRY!"
"D-dad, everything's okay now?"
"It wasn't that painful." I replied before I looked at the other boys, now kneeled in front of a very furious Rei. Man, I was lucky that kick did not hit my nose. "She's really something huh, Shinji? I didn't know she had it in it to scold some brats around her own age."
"They deserved this and more, Commander." Rei icily responded, and the boys could only shivered in fear. Yup, just like a scary mother figure.
"Well they can accompany us in our movie binge. My choices of course."
"Sir?"
"Punishment is more than a way to struck justice, Rei. In fact, its primary purpose is not that. If anything, punishment is there mostly to rehabilitate people to get them out of their dangerous, unacceptable behavior. We want people to change for the better, right?" I asked her.
"Even so, how does a movie...binge...whatever it is, can do that, sir?"
"Oh, god. I know how and where this is going. You're going to show us the Section-2 agents, uncut right? Sir, please! Anything but that! I don't want to see how you smashed traitor's ball-sack into pieces!"
"Ew, no! Why would I do that? We're going to a movie screening! Old one, but gold."
"How old?" Touji asked. Probably one of those kids that can't appreciate classics like first Ultraman or Goldfinger, meh.
"Eh, 30 years at most. It's about war. One of the most realistic war movie, in fact. Veterans said it's so realistic, the only thing that's missing is the smell."
"Really? Woohoo! Take me now, Commander!"
Oh, Kensuke. Once the movie's over, you're going to have a life evaluation...
-evangelion-
after the movie...
"Now, guys. That was fun, right?"
"F-fun? That scene where the soldier screamed for his mommy after his lower half blown into half was horrifying!" Shinji screamed in defiance, somehow gained courage in movie debate out of all thing.
"Y-yes..." Said Rei, cutely hugging Shinji as if she would disappear if she didn't do that. Then again, she was terrified.
"I-I know that big rounds are banned for a reason from Kensuke, but to see why so viscerally..."
"I-I want to rethink of my career choices..."
"Well now all of you know what you're going through as soldiers right? And thankfully for Shinji, his war is actually more like a one-on one battle, so it's much more containable. Not making it less terrifying of course, as he would testify."
"O-of course, sir...I'll not think of it as something super cool again."
"M-me too..." Added Touji.
"Well you're free to think that soldiers have cool toys, because they do. It's just that war is...anything but awesome. In fact, I believe that part of the reason why old scripture portrayed war as cool because most people back then were illiterate, and the literate one are doomed to do propaganda to raise morale. Now, of course you can go to army to get the taste of what it's like to defend your country, but don't expect it to be all glory."
"I understand, sir."
"Now everyone, let's dismiss all those talk about war from our thoughts, because we're going to-" Suddenly, my phone rang. Ritsuko, what was she wanted now, prevented me from taking these kids to a night at Disneyland? "Hello?"
Sir, Misato managed to convince UN's higher ups that you needed some mental check-ups!
"Excuse me? Are you telling me that Misato somehow convinced everyone that I am insane or something?" This was hypocritical; everybody in Evangelion had depression! Hell, if the anime was longer, like 39 episodes, I'd bet that Maya, Shigeru and Makoto would be revealed to be insane too.
Not exactly, sir, but you need to do this check-up to show that you still fit to be Commander, as well as some testifying about your...turnaround. I know your strategy's still sharp as ever, but your sudden attitude changes...
"Okay, okay. I'll go there as soon as I could." I closed the phone. "Sorry, but I'm needed in my room. Shinji, why don't you have some fun with your friends with this?" I ordered as I threw him a bundle of money.
Shinji counted the money, and got a surprise from it. "300,000 yen? Dad, this is too much!"
"Nah, it's not much. Just consider that as your first payment before we finalized your contract."
"Still, I-"
"It's dirt cheap for super soldier that's saving the world twice a month, Shinji! Just take it." Kensuke adviced.
"Yeah, and if you somehow blew it up in a day, consider that as your punishment." I winked at my son, who in turn was embarrassed enough to get conscience to save it.
Now, let's hope that it won't take long...
-evangelion-
The next day...
"OUCH!"
"That was for taking them away." Said Rei, before her little feet walked away from the room, her steps were just as loud as when she stomped Misato's own leg. Said woman got her annoyance amplified when she heard the doctor whistled, obviously did not concerned with her.
"Wow! If I knew she would be this interesting, I would never give her all that depressant in the first place!" Ritsuko summarized, having her opinion of the First Child (grammatically corrected by the improved Commander) vastly increased by what just happened.
"You're pleased with this, weren't you?"
"Well we're now losing our Commander, who decided to bring his son with him to testify for his sanity, which means that we also losing our pilot temporarily now. Nice job, Misato."
"Oh, just admit that you're losing the guy you could bang-OW!"
"That, too!" Ritsuko screamed before she left her best friend to rub all her harmed body part, including her butt that landed awkwardly first.
"Ooo...what the hell is wrong with everyone here? Can't they see that our Commander probably have lost it? How the hell can he even justified all crazy shit he pulled? All of it look so childish, breaking all norms of how a leader should act! It's like he's...he's..." Ironically, in her anger, the woman had a realization, which made her made a complete change in her outlook on life.
"That's it! I need to bring Commander back! He's innocent! He actually fulfilled my promise!"
-evangelion-
"Man, sucks that Shinji's gone. We just gotten to like him."
"He could be back at any moment, though. Especially if Commander Ikari can do...whatever job he's assigned to quickly. Say, you think it had to do with his-"
"Commander, don't go!" Screamed a certain purple-haired woman.
"Hey! That's Shinji's hot guardian! Wow, that was what she hid in the jacket? Niiice!"
"And she begged for Commander Ikari to not go away! Does that means she's his mistress all along?"
That line of questioning made Misato crashed into the wall, and Kensuke had to scram away with his best buddy when the woman started throwing obscenities and bricks at them.
-evangelion-
"That...idiot...that was what had been lingering on her mind all along?" Ritsuko asked to herself, jaw dropped to the ground.
"Well science have determined most of his work as unscientific since they cannot be tested and gave people the wrong answers, so it must be driving her nuts that his works is referenced so much in our research."
"Not to be rude, but why did you answered me again, Vice Commander?"
"Just feel like it."
-evangelion-
"Okay, where was I? Oh yeah. Please, Commander! I'm sorry! You don't have to go, I understand everything you did to me."
"Woah! It sounds like a girlfriend trying to salvage her relationship all along!" Said another pedestrian who watched the whole thing. Well, there were pedestrians. Lots of it. A klutz-and an attractive one at that- who just crashed into the wall was just too much of a spectacle to be ignored.
"Shut up! And who threw all these Sakura petals at me? Get it off!" As if she could command god, the petals soon stopped throwing themselves at Misato. "Anyway, I have figured out why you did all those crazy stuffs. It's because you truly a good man, always fulfill everybody's hope. You're there for us, showing hope to everyone you could. But I was being stubborn, refusing to acknowledge that you changed for the better, thinking it was for the worst instead. And only now, that I know why you did it, and how important it is to me. It's to...to..."
"Okay, woman. Spill it out, because it really sounds like you realized that man is for you all along."
"TO KEEP YOUR PROMISE TO DISPROVE FREUD, GODDAMNIT!" Everybody face-faulted at the sheer insanity. What the hell was that?
"I've read all those books disproved Freud, showed that his works are just not good in showing the actual answers despite asking so many interesting answers. Not to mention many of his ideas have been there longer than before he even lived. And yet, so many of our works referenced Freud like it was gospel. I even thought that we're the most incompetent scientific mind in planet earth because of that."
"Does that means we should be running away in panic now?"
"No, ma'am. Everything is under control now." The Captain reassured, not mentioning the fact that earth was almost doomed because their pilot for the first battle couldn't even made his first walk without falling. "So anyway, don't go, sir. I am reassured that you're a perfectly sane individual, and your brilliant mind's still working as intended. So...don't go?"
Misato's hope lifted when the train left...and crushed when she did not seen them there, waving at her like how she wanted it to be. "They're gone. And it's all my fault. Now NERV's going to lost its Commander, all because he became a little too weird for me."
"Oookay, can we just pretend you're trying to undo a breakup? Because the whole thing is too nonsensical for me."
"I sense some kind of denials here..."
"Go ahead, I don't even care."
"Man, what's the ruckus is all about?"
"Whu, what?" Captain Katsuragi turned around, the voice was too familiar for her to ignore.
And there he was, the (former) bastard and his son. "Commander? I thought you're already left?"
"Nah, the train for us will arrive in an hour. What are you doing here anyway?"
"Oh sir! I am sorry!" The woman hugged him, making everyone aawed in the process.
-evangelion-
Woah! Her curves were everywhere, and I barely hugged her back! Hold on, Gendo! Ritsuko's almost as good. Don't betray her, don't... "Thank you for finally looking it at my perspective, Captain."
"Thank you so much for disproving Freud, sir. You really kept my promise."
"...Okay?" I was confused, but I decided to just go with the flow. "It's always my goals to defeat the Hedgehog's Dilemma."
"Ah, so you have a personal stake in this too! Is this all part of your scenario?"
I only smiled at her, and everybody took it like a gospel. Yup, you still got it, Gendo.
"Wait a minute." Misato said, realized something. "Why you take the next train? You'll be late to your meeting, like 30 minutes late."
"No reason. I just don't want to arrive at time."
"...Are you telling me that you decided to be late?"
"No, Misato. I'm just teaching my son how to be fashionably on time."
Misato's eyes twitched, and it ended with an awkward silence. Well, it could've ended worse.
-evangelion-
So this is the end of the chapter where Shinji ran away, now featuring Gendo from Devil May-
Wait a minute.
Erm, anyway, I wonder what would happen if a scientific organization referenced Freud as much as Gehirn and NERV in real life. Considering that Freud often made both the best and worst psychologist on college boards, I'd imagine it would be a shitshow, their professionalism would be disputed, and the staff sanity would be questioned all the time.
Also, next chapter would contain an actual battle, against Ramiel-chan of course. Either Gendo would send dummy bots first, or he would bawled his eyes at the sight of his son turned into lobster. We'll see.