CHAPTER 3

THE BEGINNING

Tsukasa's eyelids twitched and she slowly opened her eyes, only to have her vision blocked by the plushy face of a stuffed rabbit. She remembered it was Kagami's friend, Misao, that brought it over the other day. Yawning and slowly lifting herself up, she looked around her room, which was now decorated wall-to-wall with gifts and get well soon paraphernalia. Countless balloons were covering her ceiling while her bed was surrounded by bouquets of flowers and boxes full of chocolates. Stuffed animals of all kinds also cluttered her room and bed as she looked around at the collection. One thing she couldn't help but notice was that she woke up at 7:30 am, a rarity for her.

Looking around with a deadpan expression on her face, she slowly reached under her pillow and pulled out a small notebook and a pen. Despite being alone in the sanctuary of her own bedroom, she still looked around to make sure she was alone as she slowly opened the book. Jotting quickly, Tsukasa made another entry into her growing diary of secrets; a book she intended to keep away from the rest of her family.

When she was done, the only thing she had on her mind was another shower. She couldn't help but knock some of the stuff over as she got out of bed and shuffled towards the bathroom. It was Sunday so it was going to be nice and quiet for her. Nearly a week had passed since that horrible night but it didn't seem like it. Tsukasa felt like she was stuck in an infinite loop with the same event playing over and over in her mind but something was new. Each time it played in either her mind or her nightmares, she became less and less upset. However, she didn't feel as if she was accepting it either. She felt an emotion she never felt before nor could describe.

With her shower complete, she fixed herself up in the bathroom mirror and went to put the final touch on her figure after she was dressed. Wrapping the yellow ribbon in her hair, she fixed it standing up the way it always was. It was when she looked in the mirror again that she saw something she didn't like. She saw a little girl. A child. A little, helpless, defenseless, child with a ribbon in her hair. Tsukasa suddenly felt her stomach boil, prompting her to slowly reach up and untie the ribbon. Pulling it out of her hair, she held the long yellow cloth in her hands and, to even her surprise, she dropped it in the trashcan. Staring at herself in the mirror one last time, she turned away and left the old piece of herself in the trashcan as if it was a clipped toenail.

Aside from the ribbon missing, she thought she looked presentable enough for the world again and exited the bathroom. Smelling eggs, she walked down the stairs and into the kitchen, where she saw Inori standing over the stove. Tsukasa pulled a chair from the tale and the sudden noise slightly startled her older sister and forcing her to quickly spin around with a surprised expression.

"Oh, Tsukasa, you startled me," she said calmly and instantly noticed the new change in her sister. "You're…you're not wearing your ribbon."

Tsukasa exchanged a stern look to Inori, another rarity for her. What was even more surprising was her follow-up statement, which was just as stern. "So?"

Not exactly knowing what to make of the situation, Inori replied, "So…want some eggs?"

Tsukasa nodded passively.

Inori fixed the rest of their breakfast and joined her younger sister in hopes of getting her to open up. Ever since Tsukasa returned home from the police station to identify her attacker, she barely spoke. Everyone assumed she was still traumatized by the event, but she wouldn't cry or anything of the sort. She would just clam up and not say anything. Miki tried to get Tsukasa to write what happened down on paper so their lawyer could use it as testimony in court, but she wouldn't even do that. Not that it made any difference as the physical evidence taken off Tsukasa at the hospital matched Ryosuke. The only thing that still troubled the Hiiragi family was that Ryosuke's accomplices were still loose.

"Tsukasa, I was thinking about going to the mall today. There's a sale today and I saw this outfit there the other day that I thought would look great on you so what do you say we head over there together?" Inori tried to include her baby sister. "Come on, we never do anything together as sisters anymore. What do you say?"

"Remember the time I was six and I fell off my bike and skinned my knee?" Tsukasa suddenly interrupted as she pushed the food on her plate around with her fork.

Inori searched her memory bank and suddenly recalled the bonding moment. "Oh yeah. I was with you and you wouldn't stop crying, even when I bandaged your knee and kissed it. You stopped crying when I brought you ice cream though. That was kind of a funny day."

For a quick second, a small grin tugged at Tsukasa's mouth but it quickly disappeared when she asked, "Am I a baby?"

Inori heard the question but interpreted it a different way than Tsukasa intended. Inori heard it the way only a loving big sister would hear it, which dictated how she responded. "Of course you are, Tsukasa. You're my baby sister and I'll love you no matter what. Nothing will change the fact that you're my baby sister and I'll always be there to protect you."

Before Tsukasa could respond, Kagami walked into the kitchen, still in her pajamas and rubbing her eyes. Her eyes widened when she saw Tsukasa was awake before her. "Oh, good morning Tsukasa."

"Good morning, sis." She responded.

"Tsukasa, I was just in the bathroom and is this yours?" Kagami asked and suddenly held up the yellow ribbon she had disposed of earlier. "Why was it in the trashcan?"

Inori turned back to Tsukasa, now with a disturbed expression across her face. "You threw it out? But mom gave you that ribbon when you were a little girl. You've worn it every day for nearly ten years."

Tsukasa narrowed her eyes with her face still looking at her breakfast, which she hadn't touched aside from pushing it around with her fork. She suddenly dropped it, stood, and said, "I'm done."

As she turned to leave the room, Inori suddenly remembered something. "Tsukasa, wait. Minami-chan and Yutaka-chan were over here last night but you were asleep so they dropped this off for you."

Tsukasa turned back and saw her eldest sister holding a sealed, pink envelope with hearts and flowers drawn on it. Reluctantly, she took the card and brutishly passed Kagami, leaving her and Inori both confused and slightly started and for them to open a discussion amongst themselves about what was happening with their little sister. Tsukasa's usually cheerful and even babyish attitude that brought out her charm had been absent from the family ever since that horrible night and it was beginning to worry them. They had never seen Tsukasa act this strange and unresponsive to all the love she was receiving from her family and friends. Even the very notion of a family member touching Tsukasa either in a hug or a kiss or even washing her back made her more distant.

Tsukasa closed the door of her room and rested her back against it. Looking at the sealed envelope, she saw it had her name on it and as if her body went on autopilot, she opened the envelope, just like the countless others she had received that week from school, neighbors, and even complete strangers. She pulled out yet another get well soon card and inside, a handwritten message was put inside.

Dear Tsukasa: Minami-chan and I wish to express our deepest love and sympathy to you. We can't even imagine what you're going through and we want you to know that we're your friends and we care deeply about you. You're not alone in this terrible event and if you need anything from us, please ask. The whole school is worried about you and we hope that you can return as quickly as possible. We love you Tsukasa and can't wait to see your beautiful charm again. Much love, your friends, Yutaka Kobayakawa and Minami Iwasaki.

Upon completion of her newest addition to her get well ensemble, Tsukasa held the card and scanned her entire room again. It was at that moment that she was it for what she suddenly saw it as in her newfound sense of reality. Her room was a living shrine to any child. Someone weak and frail who couldn't defend themselves. Someone who needed to rely on the gifts of stuffed animals and flowers to make them stronger. What kind of person is that? A domino effect began to unravel in Tsukasa's mind as she held the card in both her hands and suddenly did the unthinkable for someone like her.

Feeling newborn anger inside her body, she ripped the card in half. She continued to rip it until only scraps of it fell from her hands and littered her carpet. "I'm no baby." She said aloud and with rising emotions, prompting her to throw herself into her pillow and scream, "I'm no baby, goddamn it!"

She reached under her pillow again and pulled the little notebook out. With more anger and with a fierce glare on her face, Tsukasa wrote feverishly in the book, nearly breaking the pen and ripping the pages in the process. She wrote a lengthy entry this time and upon completion, hid the diary again. Not even on Tsukasa's worst day prior to her rape did she feel so angry and didn't know why. She knew she was surrounded by people who loved her, but for some reason, she was beginning to believe they were the reason why she was feeling so much angst. She didn't even think of Ryosuke's role in her suffering anymore. All she wanted to do was move on with her life but constantly being bombarded by all this gratuitous attention felt suffocating. It was the love that was choking the life out of her. The love and support itself was in a way keeping her in that infinite loop that she was thinking about earlier and it was her support that was keeping her from moving on.

Sitting on her bed with her knees tucked into her chest, Tsukasa looked around her room one last time at the shrine to herself and muttered with a growing sinister plan in her head, "Something's gotta give."