Hopefully this is a little more interesting and exciting than the 'big announcement'...wasn't that all a little meh?
They had another sleepless night and Adam was up early. He decided to go for a run to clear his head and Kim heard the apartment door close. She scooted over to his side of the bed and buried herself in his presence, she could feel him and smell him here.
Keeping her eyes closed she could still feel him surrounding her offering her shelter for her fears even though his fears were more important. He didn't want to hurt her, he kept telling her that and asking her if she wanted to leave. He asked her if she wanted out but then kept pulling her closer. He was spinning and spiralling and she remained calm despite her insides feeling like they were being crushed in a vice.
He'd flat out asked for sex, abruptly and coldly. Usually they didn't talk about it, it just was a natural progression of their time together. His eyes were pleading though. "I need to feel like a man one more time." It broke her heart that he felt this way and it felt like the first time she'd ever had sex; awkward and unsatisfying and left you wondering what all the fuss was about. Which was so unlike them, sex for them was always one of the reasons neither of them could move on completely, it was why they always seemed to find their way back to each other. They fitted together perfectly.
Except this time, it was crude and it hurt. Kim angrily pushed him away. His body was a rigid as hers was and she bit her bottom lip to try and stop herself from crying. It had been awful. "You hurt me, that hurt Adam. Don't ever do that to me again." It was unsuccessful and the tears spilled out and down her cheeks and she jumped out of bed and hunted around for her clothes.
"Sorry." He muttered as he reached for her and Kim resisted, slapping his hand away.
"Don't touch me Adam." He let go instantly and she fled the room in tears.
Barely waiting a minute before he pulled on his sweat pants Adam went in search for her. "Sorry Kim, I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry." He was distraught, that was not who he was. It was wrong and he hated himself. "I don't know what happened."
"You are better than this Adam." She relented and softened her voice when she heard the genuine distress in his voice.
"I know. That will never happen again, never." He promised her. It had been strange because while Kim never told him to stop he paid little attention to whether she was comfortable or enjoying it. He was focussed on himself and getting what he wanted. He had never behaved like that before, with anyone and the fact it was Kim devastated him. Seeing her so upset had cut him deep. "I promise you Kim, that's not who I am. I've never been that man, I don't want to be that man."
"I know this is hard for you and you are scared but we are better than this."
"We are." His voice bubbled with emotion but didn't move. He didn't know what to do now and he was worried that she would leave. "Please don't go." He begged.
"I'm not leaving Adam." She stepped towards him and rested a hand on his bare chest. "Let me show you how good we are. I want to forget that ever happened." Kim spent the next hour patiently and passionately exploring his body, focussing on bringing him to the edge several times only to back off until the time was right and they both lost themselves in the moment.
"See." She held his face in her hands. "And I can't wait for the next time. Only you have ever made me feel like nothing else matters. Only you have ever made me feel like I am good enough. I want to be good enough for you."
"You are." He wanted to say it but it died on his tongue. Now was not the time. It didn't feel right for some reason but he still knew it and felt it. It was a fire that never quite died, the embers stayed with him just waiting for the fuel to set it off again.
Kim showered and made herself a coffee before she made the bed, cleaned the kitchen and tidied up trying to keep herself busy. His phone was on the bench so there was no point even trying to call him and she had to stop herself heading out to look for him. The clock ticked louder and louder the longer he was gone and Kim started to worry that he wouldn't come back, that he was doing this deliberately so that he'd miss his appointment and she had no idea what to do. She couldn't call anyone, he had made it very clear that this was between them and apart from Voight, because he couldn't avoid that conversation this had nothing to do with anyone else.
Finally she heard the key in the door and literally flew off the couch and placed her hands on his arms. "Where have you been?"
"Just walking and thinking." He shrugged her hands off. "I still feel like shit about last night."
"Adam, it's done, it won't happen again." Kim was determined to let it go, there was no point dwelling on it. Of all the times they'd had sex it was the first time Adam made her feel like she didn't mean anything and she was willing to put it behind them, chalk it up to his fear and take him at his word. That one small moment wasn't going to be what broke them.
"Nope, it won't. I'm going to grab a shower, cop one last feel of my junk before I'm wandering around with an empty coin purse." He smiled awkwardly and pecked her cheek.
Even though he was opting to have a prosthetic inserted at the same time it was hard to get his head around the fact he was losing one of his testicles. If the worst case scenario came true and it was cancer there was a chance he could lose the other one which would mean sterility and a life-long need to take testosterone.
They had talked about his fertility last night, not directly related to them but Adam did want to have children, he always had and for a few short weeks he had his dream. Kim was having his baby, sure they weren't together nor did they have any idea if it would work but it was his child and with a woman he adored and that was a good thing. Since then they had focussed on doing the hard yards to make sure it would work.
This felt cruel, on top of Kim's miscarriage this felt like the world was trying to tell him something. "Maybe I'm not meant to have kids, maybe I'm not good enough a person." He told Kim as he waved his hand randomly and angrily in the air and stared off into space. He couldn't tell it to her face, he didn't want to see something in her reaction that told him she was glad that she was not having his baby anymore. "Maybe it's someone trying to tell me that one Adam Ruzek is more than enough for this world."
"Bullshit Adam, that's bullshit. Don't do this. You are more than good enough, I think you would've been a great Dad, you will be a great Dad. I wish I had a Dad like you."
He screwed up his nose and chuckled. "Creepy and what I do to you would be illegal."
"I'm just going to ignore that."
Adam left it at that and started talking about his mother. It was like a pinball machine the way they pinged around various topics all evening and then suddenly he talked about the first time he remembered being kicked in the nuts a school.
It was a wild and weird night and they rode a few waves, not all of them good.
"We have to leave soon." Kim checked the time on her phone again. Of course she wanted to be early whereas Adam was happy to get there on the dot. He was in no rush to get this done.
"You that keen on getting me neutered?"
"Yes because I'm not freaking out at all. "
"Wanna take it out for one more dip in the pool?"
Kim just sighed and Adam reluctantly went and had a shower. He was stalling for time, time he didn't have. During his run, which ended up being more of a walk he'd made plenty of bargains. Promising himself that he would finally lay his cards on the table and tell her it was all or nothing. That he'd become healthier, fitter and more responsible. That he'd organise his will and start planning for his future, save me, spend less and travel more.
Trying to stay positive was exhausting and it was hard to stop the negative thoughts and doom and gloom creeping in. It was one of the reasons he didn't want anyone else to know. He didn't have the energy or mental capacity to keep putting on a brave face. Kim had seen it slip every now and then and that was bad enough. Part of him wished she wasn't involved either, if only he'd dealt with it the first time he felt it then he could've kept her out of it.
They never talked about the fact that Adam kept telling people that Kim was his fiancé. Even when he was admitted to the day surgery unit he listed Kim as his Next of Kin. When the nurse asked them when the wedding was Adam just smiled at Kim and left it to her to explain that they hadn't set a date yet and had other things to worry about at the moment. Not really a lie, they hadn't set a date because they weren't engaged or even really together and they did have other things to worry about.
He was only having a twilight anaesthetic and it should only take about an hour. "You gonna do a runner while I'm out of it?" Adam joked. "Find a real man. Don't invite me to the wedding though, my fragile man ego and lopsided nut sack couldn't handle it."
Kim played along, this was typical Adam, the inappropriateness and timing of his jokes was always a give-away when he felt out of his depth. He was the class clown and as frustrating as it was sometimes it was one of the things she loved about him. He never failed to make her smile. "Oh god yes. I've been meaning to tell you…"
"I can ask them to keep it, pop it in a jar and maybe we can have it made into jewellery or something and you can wear it around your neck?"
Kim wrinkled her nose distastefully. "Well that sounds lovely."
"Or maybe that could be your engagement ring." He nudged her playfully.
Adam saw the nurse coming before Kim did and squeezed her hand. He had realised that this was very real two days ago but that still didn't prepare him for the overwhelming sense of dread he felt right now. Up until now it was still unknown to a certain degree, it might not be cancer, it might be nothing, it was going to be fine but now, within an hour the uncertainty would be over and he'd know his fate and that made breathing almost impossible. "Thank you." He whispered and Kim kissed him softly before they wheeled him away.
"I'll see you soon."