A/N - I know this has taken a while to update but my internet provider took well over a month the fix my internet issue but it is back now! So I might even post two chapters to reward you all for being so patient. Please R&R!
Chapter 9
When they call your name
Will you walk right up?
With a smile on your face?
Will you cower in fear?
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter
I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
When you're walking downtown
Do you wish I was there
Do you wish it was me
With the windows clear
And the mannequins eyes
Do they all look like mine
You know you could
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
Behind my back
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would
I wish you'd make my bed
So I could make up my mind
Try it for sleeping instead
Maybe you'll rest sometime
Oh, I wish I could
I wish I could
I wish I could
Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams
Most of the night was spent in fitful sleep, Dawson's accusations played over in his mind from that night. Pacey didn't want to admit it, he had tried so hard to push the guilt down and thought he had succeeded in doing so until Dawson had begun his diatribe. They had already had the argument the day of the funeral, Dawson had stood on his soapbox, waxing indignant over her death, of how she had pulled away and retreated into herself.
All because of Pacey.
All because she couldn't let him go.
Pacey sat on the couch, hunched over with an intense pain beginning behind his eyes, he couldn't get the last conversation with Andie out of his head, He had spent two years purging all feelings for her from his system, he had succeeded until she had come to him one night; a week before she had taken her life.
It had taken two years for him to put the pieces of his heart back together.
One conversation with her and he had almost lost, he had almost fallen back into the trap.
Almost.
Pacey swung the door open in haste, knowing if he didn't leave now he would be late for lunch with Jen. Andie stood, her hand in mid air, ready to knock. She looked tired, tired as though she had spent the entire night awake. Pacey narrowed his eyes at her his head tilted to the side in silent question.
Andie bounced on her heels nervously in the doorway.
"Hi Pacey" They had not spoken to each other in months, the times they had it was bitter and laced with anger. Pacey didn't really want to see her and while now he didn't hold the same anger toward her that he had, he certainly was not about to call them friends.
"What are you doing here Andie?" He asked her. She could hear the detachment in his tone, she knew this was a bad idea.
"I miss you" She spoke, her words escaped her lips barely above a whisper, they were heartfelt and pleading. Pacey's posture slumped momentarily and he ran his hand over his face.
"Don't do this Andie" While her eyes filled with tears, his flickered with past anger and betrayal. He shook his head at her, she was not going to do this to him. She had made her choice, it had not been him. She had made it twice, he had already fallen for that and he had come out the other side broken.
"Pacey I still love you." She said, taking a step toward him. "I never stopped Pacey." She reached for him, her expression filled with anguish. Pacey built another wall up around his heart as he stepped back and shook his head. A laugh escaped his lips, humorless and disbelieving.
"I don't believe you Andie."
Andie dropped her hand, a tear fell from her eye. He could see her lip trembling, she was hurting and in pain. Once he was that guy to hold her, to comfort her and tell her he loved her and everything would get better. He was not that guy anymore because she had replaced him with another.
"I could never love anyone one else as much as I love you Pacey. I'm sorry." She stepped toward him once more, he stood unmoving and she stepped further to him. Her hands reached out and rested on his chest.
"Andie..." He warned her, although his tone lacked the conviction he needed to pull back.
Andie pressed her lips to his softly, he didn't kiss her back but it was something he needed. The two years since finding her with Dawson it all came down to this one kiss. She pulled away from him and saw it in his eyes.
"I don't feel it. Not anymore." While the words themselves cut through her heart with deep precision it was the look which passed over Pacey's eyes causing the most damage to her.
The look of hope, not hope for them because in that instant they both knew what the kiss meant.
Goodbye.
The hope held within Pacey was a hope that after everything he would be okay, he no longer needed an 'us' to hold onto anymore. The final stage in purging Andie and their relationship had occurred.
Pacey sat, his head in his hands. He decided he would ignore the knock on his door at first but when the irate voice on the other side didn't let up he stood with a defeated groan and slowly made his way to the door. He swung it open and smirked at her.
"Lindley, what a pleasure" He spoke, stepping aside for her. Jen stood beside the counter, her previously annoyed mood starting to abate at seeing Pacey's dishevelled state. "What?" Jen offered him a small smile and moved closer to him, she rested a hand on his arm.
"You okay Pace?" His eyebrows knit before he then rolled his eyes and shook his head.
"She told you." He said, knowing the answer. She simply nodded. "Great" Pacey groaned at her and threw himself on the couch. Jen moved over to sit next to him, she sat in silence waiting for him to speak. Pacey took a sidelong glance at her.
"The same bullshit Jen, that's all it was." blowing out a breath of defeat he looked out the window. Jen frowned and placed her hand on his shoulder.
"I know Pace, but doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when he carries on like he does." Pacey shrugged his shoulders.
"I know Jen but he's never going to change, he's always going to be that self righteous bastard he's always been." Pacey sighed and slumped back against the couch, he looked to Jen "Andie's gone, Dawson blames me for how unhappy she had been, it wasn't my job anymore Jen, I couldn't be there continually to look out for her." Pacey let out a harsh breath "That was up to Dawson, I wasn't that guy for her. Not anymore." Pacey frowned, rubbing at his eyes.
"Lunch?" He asked her, changing the topic. Jen grinned and nodded, saying she's bring Jack along as well. Her eyes narrowed at Pacey.
"What about Joey?" She asked him, Pacey bit the inside of his lip. They had not spoken to each other about the morning earlier, while he had begun to talk the incident with Dawson had taken centre stage, as it tended to do. Pacey shrugged at the small blonde while she stood.
"She's a little, um pissed." He offered her, she sighed at him and began to make her way to the door.
"No she's not." She said. "You know you should just tell her." She said to him. Pacey's head snapped up.
"Tell her what exactly?"
Jen only offered him a knowing look as she placed her hand on the door, ready to leave. Pacey sighed and shook his head, not sure if he wanted to reply to her. If he did he could go two ways, tell her she was insane or actually concede to the insinuations and admit he had feelings. He had after all admitted as much when he had called her late in a panic over inviting her to the Auxiliary Ball.
He wasn't ready to admit how much Joey had gotten under his skin however.
But Jen being Jen, she probably already knew.
Lunch was different this time, Pacey sat quietly, offering small responses so as not to appear rude. His enthusiasm certainly absent from any conversation. Joey sat and watched him carefully, sharing the occasional frown with Jen and Jack.
She knew she had missing information that may help her to understand the situation between Pacey, Dawson and Andie better but no one was forthright with that. Jen had said to her earlier it wasn't her place to divulge such information, she also said she didn't like to speak ill of the dead. Joey knew Jen held quite a lot of animosity to Jack's sister, Jen was Pacey's self appointed keeper in many regards and looked out for him at every chance she got.
Pacey knew he needed to talk to Joey, he needed her to know that she wasn't just some favour for Jen, that he looked out for her because he wanted to, because she was a friend and friends looked out for the other.
Instead he kept his mouth shut and said nothing, maybe this was better, maybe it would be best if he simply allowed Joey to think it meant nothing.
She could stay distanced from him and he could keep the walls up around himself and his heart.
Joey was not entirely sure how to take Pacey's silence, and while she knew the argument between he and Dawson must be playing on his mind she didn't know how it was affecting him because she did not know that part of his life or his past and he did not trust her enough to let her in.
Soon enough they said their goodbyes and Joey made her way to Hell's Kitchen for her shift.
Pacey watched Joey walk away, a brief goodbye was exchanged between them and Pacey sighed, he was doing the right thing.
The years since Andie's betrayal he had held firmly to the idea that love was not worth the effort or more importantly the heartbreak. He was not going to allow himself to get so lost in another that he would no longer know where he was without them.
Joey had kept a watchful eye on the clock for her entire shift, between clearing tables and serving drinks Joey found her eyes keeping watch over Pacey's apartment, hoping he would still be awake by the time her shift ended. She needed to talk to him, she needed to make sure he was okay.
Lunch they endured earlier in the day was different, it was worse than any other she and Pacey had sat through. Pacey had more or less ignored her and she was almost wishing they had regressed to the past biting and nasty insults.
At least he would have been talking to her and looking at her.
Now as she began to go through the usual chores of closing the bar she found she had begun to lose her nerve over venturing toward Pacey's apartment. What if he simply didn't want to see her?
Joey chewed on her lip as she shut the safe and made her way out, turning off the lights as she made her way to the door. The light shone through his window and Joey wondered if she was happy for that fact. Joey locked Hell's Kitchen and took a breath, letting it out before taking a step toward Pacey's.
She made her way slowly hoping that between her leaving the kerb and reaching the other side of the street Pacey will have turned the lights of and retired to bed, giving her an out.
Joey reached the other side and looked up with apprehension.
The lights from inside Pacey's apartment shone brightly.
It was now or never.
Joey made her way up the stairs and stood on the outside of Pacey's door, she held her hand up to knock when the door flew open and Pacey stood, a look of surprise on his face. Joey cleared her throat.
"Bad timing, you're on your way out?" She asked him. Pacey shook his head.
"Uh no it's...cosmic timing. I was on my way to see you." He replied, a hint of a smile playing across his lips.
"Oh, um...really?"
"Yeah. Yeah. I was, uh, I was hoping that we could stand awkwardly in the doorway, which..." Pacey looked around them to emphasise their location "uh, huh, is working out perfectly for me."
Joey smirked and rolled her eyes "Can I come in, so it's not so awkward?" Pacey nodded and moved aside so she could enter.
Joey made her way into the large open plan living area and turned to Pacey who eyed her curiously, clearly toying with how to approach a conversation they both knew they had to begin.
"I'm sorry Jo." He said softly, knowing he should begin as he had not had the chance to finish it the night before. Joey's face softened and she gave him a small lopsided smile, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear as she nodded to him. "I didn't mean what...I mean I didn't mean for what I said to come out the way I said it. I ..." Pacey sighed and bit the inside of his lip, trying to find the words to explain it all to her. "I don't want you to think it was the only reason we've been spending time with one another, sure Jen asked me to look out for you but, I would have done it anyway." He sighed as Joey looked at him, her eyes unblinking. "I guess I would consider us friends yeah?" He let out a breath at Joey's affirmative nod of the head "So, as a friend I care about you and want to know you are...are safe Jo." Joey made her way over to the kitchen island counter and sat down on the stool, Pacey followed and leant on the counter top opposite.
"I know Pacey and I overreacted to the situation." She said as Pacey lifted a brow at her.
"You kinda did, didn't you." Joey nodded slowly and her eyes dropped to her hands in her lap, Pacey watched her momentarily before she looked up at him.
"I guess it's hard for me Pace." Joey said to him, noticing his eyebrows furrow, not understanding. "To trust people and not question whether there is some kind of hidden agenda." She stated finally. Pacey nodded knowingly.
"Adam." He offered simply, finally understanding what she meant, she nodded.
"I'm kind of messed up a bit huh?" She laughed sardonically, Pacey smiled and shrugged.
"I think we are all a little messed up Jo, in our own way." Joey nodded her head at him and began to worry her lip, hoping their friendship was strong enough to ask. Pacey tilted his head to the side and observed her quietly for a beat, noting the expression of inner turmoil over something unknown. He narrowed his eyes at her.
"Out with it then." He said, pulling her attention to him with a look of apprehension across her face. She cleared her throat and moved uncomfortably on the stool.
"Last night, with D-Dawson." Joey took an unsteady breath as she attempted to focus on her words, knowing he would more than likely shut her down and refuse to talk about it. "Why do you hate him so much?" She asked him, her large brown eyes locking with his. Pacey bit down on the inside of his lip and drew in a deep breath. He exhaled it slowly contemplating over how much information to divulge, if any at all. He could see the look of concern in her eyes, void of any accusation.
Finally he sighed and dropped his guard, Joey could see the hurt clearly in his eyes. The emotion she saw belied his usual stoic facade and she knew she had him pegged completely wrong, that everything Jen had said about him was true.
"Andie and I" He began, his hands beginning to gesticulate "We were together for quite some time, six months into our relationship she began to break down. Suppressed grief over the death of her older brother Tim, I mean it wasn't just that, she had underlying mental issues. Her father thought it would be best if she were to go away and stay in a - a facility." Pacey swallowed the lump in his throat, watching as Joey nodded her head, gently urging him to continue. "I knew it was the best thing for her but I loved her and it took all of my strength to tell her to go and get better, to tell her to leave. She left, for about four months and came back the first week of junior year. She was different somehow, she didn't want to be alone with me and was not interested in anything even remotely labeled intimate until I called her on it." Pacey dragged a nearby stool over and sat down. "Then she confessed sleeping with another patient. As you can imagine it put an end to our relationship right then and there." Pacey laughed bitterly at the memory and shook his head. "We were bitter towards each other after that or at least I was toward her, eventually we did manage to get back to friendship. She called me from a party and was upset, some guy had been harassing her." Pacey ran his hands through his hair "Me being the one to always try to save the girl." Pacey smirked "I drove over the the party, put her in the car and punched the guy out. You know defending her honour and all." Joey smiled a lopsided smile, the admission not surprising her in the least. "We spent the night together on the boat I was restoring, we eventually slipped in a relationship again, it was short lived however, a couple of months." Pacey frowned. "I ended it with her, it just didn't feel right at the time. Soon after, school ended and I left and sailed my boat down to the florida keys, needed to get away from Capeside. Away from her." Pacey stood up and began to walk the length of the kitchen, his hands balling into fists at his sides in agitation.
"Pace, you don't have to-"
"No, it's okay." Pacey stopped his movements and offered Joey a small smile. "When I got back I realised that I had to get over her, i needed to leave Capeside. So a few months into senior year when I realised I was pretty much failing half my subjects I decided to hell with it. My brother had contacts here in Boston so I left and found a job with the Boston Fire Department." Pacey stood, his hands on the counter. "The following year I ran into Andie who was attending Harvard and like a fool I fell for her again and for the third time we tried again. I really thought this last time was it, she and I were meant to be you know. We eventually moved in together, I was working long hours and she studied a lot so living together meant we were able to spend what little free time we had with each other. Things were going well until I came home one afternoon to discover her in our bed with someone else." Pacey laughed wryly and shook his head, He cocked his head to the side and rubbed his chin thoughtfully before looking at Joey "Now that I think about it things weren't going well between us at all." He watched as Joey frowned at him. "It was Dawson." He said finally, Joey's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in surprise.
"What?" Pacey nodded his head, Joey covered her mouth with her hand, suddenly remembering the things she had said to him in the last few months. She really didn't understand how he would be happy to associate with her after all of the nasty things she had said to him. Joey shook her head. "Pacey, I'm so sorry about... god all of the things I said to you about...wow no wonder you kicked me out of the car."
Pacey laughed and nodded his head at her. "Maybe so but I shouldn't have taken everything out on you Jo." Joey shrugged her shoulders.
"I guess but I said that just after, wow Audrey. That's her name right?" Joey asked. Pacey let out a breath and nodded.
"Yeah but, it wasn't about her. I'm sorry to say." Joey gave Pacey a look of puzzlement, leaning to rest her chin in her hands. Pacey surveyed Joey as she waited for further elaboration on his part. Pacey sighed and scratched to side of his head. "I guess I want a bit pissed she would cheat on me but I can't say I was heartbroken" He allowed himself a sardonic laugh before continuing "I had purposefully boxed my heart up well before I got into a relationship with Audrey" He shrugged "It was never going to last any way, one way or another. I think her being unfaithful allowed me to reinforce the idea that I was doing the right thing for myself, not necessarily for her though which ultimately pushed her to turn to someone else." Joey frowned at him and shook her head. "Self preservation" He explained, Joey nodded slowly at him.
"I get it, i do but..." Joey reached up to tuck a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, she looked up to him. "You can't go through life closing yourself; your heart off to other people though Pace." Her voice was soft as she spoke in understanding, Pacey eyed her carefully knowing they were not just talking about him.
They sat in silence for a moment, Joey wanted to ask him about what Dawson had accused him of. Of how he had said it was Pacey's fault, he was to blame for Andie's death. Upon deciding it was asking too much; of the situation and of their friendship she kept her mouth firmly shut. Her head snapped up in surprise as Pacey's voice cut through the silence.
"She was still in love with me." Pacey's eyes downcast as he spoke, Joey opened her mouth before being cut of by Pacey. "Andie." He continued, "She was still in love with me."
"Were you..." She didn't finish her words, deciding to allow them to trail off as she knew he would understand what she was asking. He shook his head definitively and yet not without a small amount of regret.
"No, not anymore" He looked to Joey, wondering if he had still been in love with Andie and had taken her back would she have been happier and therefore still be alive. Joey worried her bottom lip, not really knowing what to say.
Silence swept over them once more, Joey glanced at her watch noting the late hour and stood up, preparing to leave.
"I should be leaving" She said, Pacey nodded and stood to retrieve his keys, Joey offered him a quizzical look.
"You are not walking Potter." He said, Joey shrugged at him and pulled her phone from her pocket.
"I'll call a cab, you don't have to-"
"I want to, okay" He smiled at her, she smiled her half smile back and nodded.
"If you're sure" She said softly.
"I wouldn't have offered otherwise Princess." Joey scowled at him and he chuckled as they made their way down to the street where he was parked. Joey sat herself in the passenger seat with a grin.
Pacey turned the engine off and rested his arm along the back of Joey's seat, he gestured to the shining light on the porch.
"Seems the local kids got sick of pranks" He smiled lightly. Joey's face fell which did not go unnoticed by Pacey. "Why, what's wrong?" Joey swallowed the feeling of apprehension down and shook her head trying to assuage the feeling of foreboding.
"Oh, er nothing." She offered him a weak smile as she reached for the door. Pacey placed a gentle hand on her arm, he was not buying it.
"Jo?"
Joey sighed and begun to wring her hands as they lay in her lap, she worried her bottom lip. Pacey quirked an eyebrow in curiosity. Joey looked to Pacey and let out a sigh in defeat, pulling her hand away she placed it back in her lap. Pacey sat and waiting for Joey to open her mouth, to allow her to let him in a little. While knowing he had opened the wounds his heart desperately tried to hide from. He knew as Joey began to speak she appreciated he would trust her enough with the disclosure of his past enough to let him in hers as well.
Pacey watched her carefully when she took a deep breath and spoke, her eyes gazed out the wind shield unfocused.
He could see her struggle to build up walls around her as she talked about Anna and Adam, how they had forged a special friendship when they were young, how he used to give her a red rose often while they were dating.
As she spoke about how they would take light globes as Halloween pranks Pacey's eyes narrowed and looked over to the light shining over the front porch. Joey raised an eyebrow at him, noticing his frown.
"What?"
"When was the last time you heard from him?" He asked carefully, Joey shook her head at Pacey.
"A few years." She said, a shrug of her shoulder, she tucked the hair behind her ear and allowed her eyes to drift to the porch light. "Its coincidence" She said, Pacey let out a snort of disbelief, Joey's eyes narrowed as she opened her mouth to speak.
"You don't really believe that do you Jo?" Joey pulled her lip into her mouth with her teeth. "Can you just make sure to call me if..." Pacey's words trailed off, Joey nodded her head and reached for the door without a word. Pacey's hand rested on her arm, his eyes seeking hers. "Promise me Jo." He spoke, his words unyielding.
"Yes, Pacey. I promise." Joey offered a nod of her head to affirm and gave him a small smile, trying to reassure him as well as herself.
Pacey's worries did not feel as though they were allayed at all but he knew he had to accept it. He watched as Joey removed herself from the car and disappeared inside the house. Pacey sat for a moment before pulling away from the curb and making his way back to his apartment.