A/N Please disregard any possible misspelling I may have missed. Thank you so very much for reading and reviewing, means so much to me. I have most of the rest of this story plotted, not sure how many chapters but there will be no more than 20 and more likely less, this is a standalone, no sequels etc.
Chapter 12
And it came to me then
That every plan
Is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes
In the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths
As I said to myself
That I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak
On the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines
And year old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It sung like a violent wind
That our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
And I knew that you were truth
I would rather lose
Than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around
At all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round
And everyone lifts their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die
So who's gonna watch you die
So who's gonna watch you die
So who's gonna watch you die
What Sarah Said - Death Cab For Cutie
Much to the chagrin of the treating medics, Joey accompanied Melanie to the hospital in lieu of riding in the ambulance. Joey recognised some of the guests from the ball, dirty and sooty firefighters stood around, their faces sombre as they waited in the hall. Joey and Melanie ran toward the gathering crowd, their heels clicking on the linoleum as they made their way. As though the parting of the sea, the huddled group split, revealing a firefighter slumped in a chair, his head in his hands. He looked up to them, tears streaking his face, dirt and ash ran down. The look of unmitigated fear screamed at them from within his eyes.
He swallowed hard and looked to her, wanting what he was to say not to be true.
"It doesn't look good." His voice trembled with emotion. "I don't know if he's going to make it." She shook her head furiously, not willing to accept what he was saying. She repeated the word No again and again while she pushed people away and ran into the nearest trauma room in search of him.
The soft feel of a hand caused his heart to leap.
"Pace?" He shook his head at her voice. "Pacey, talk to me." She began to cough as she sat down next to him, his head snapped to her in concern and irritation.
"Have you seen a doctor?" His voice sounded hard, void of emotion. Joey shook her head.
"No, I-I came straight here. I wanted to ...to..." Joey shook her head, trying to clear her mind. "I...umm..." The room began to dim and spin, Joey attempted to stand but instead felt her footing on the floor falter and fall away as everything was shrouded in darkness.
Pacey jumped to his feet to catch Joey as she collapsed.
"Dammit Potter!' He seethed through gritted teeth as he effortlessly carried her over to a nurse working triage. "She needs a Doctor, now!" Pacey bellowed, gripping Joey tightly to his chest as he held her in his arms. Ruth, as written on her name tag took off to find help.
Pacey made his way down the hall, away from Joey and the sound of doctors yelling for full blood work, chest x-rays and an intubation kit resonating through his head. He made his way to where Matt lay in ICU, not far from where they worked on Joey.
Slowing his steps, Pacey stopped by the privacy curtain and watched in silence as Melanie sat by his bedside, holding Matt's hand close to her cheek. Her eyes were closed as she murmured softly. Words were incoherent to Pacey, not that It mattered what was said, just that they were said. Before it was too late to say them.
Pacey stood in silence, lost in his own head.
Pacey turned to Ruth, who had her hand on his arm. She inclined her head down the hall, "They're done with her if you wanted to see her." She smiled warmly. Pacey chewed the inside of his cheek, took a breath and followed Ruth, casting a look over his shoulder to Melanie who sat by her husbands side, fighting to stay calm, fighting so hard for him, willing him to be okay because she loved him.
That was love.
Good and bad.
All in.
Pacey expelled the air from his lungs as they came up to a curtain sectioning off a bed from the rest of the area. Pacey smiled weakly at the nurse before slipping behind the curtain. Joey lay in the hospital bed, her face pallid. Pacey noted the intubation tube, helping to keep her airways open.
"A pretty serious case of smoke inhalation" Ruth said, Pacey nodded and moved closer, sitting down beside Joey. Hesitating, Pacey reached out for her hand, his knuckles brushed the back of her hand before he took it in both of his.
Ruth watched for a moment, witnessing a tender moment.
Pacey brought Joey's hand to his lips and pressed his mouth against her knuckles. His breath hedged while he grasped desperately at regaining his composure, and while the tears stung at his eyes he cleared his throat to speak.
"I'm going to call Jen, she has no idea what's going on. Maybe, maybe she can contact your sister. You're going to be in here for a few days yet Potter so..." Pacey's voice trailed off as he looked down at Joey, residue still stained her skin in places but despite all of that she was still so beautiful, Pacey sat in silence.
He knew it was a bad idea; being here with her, being with her or at least wanting to. The nights events were proof of that, he knew it was a mistake. Pacey stood, releasing Joey's hand and turning on his heel and left.
Pacey checked in on Melanie and Matt, saw that she sat not having moved from the last time he saw her. Pacey backed out of the room and made his way through the disarray of emergency and out the doors into the night.
Pacey drew his phone from his pants and called Jen, it was almost two in the morning but he knew she would be awake.
"Hey Pacey, shouldn't you be off dancing the night away with a certain brunette?" She asked him, pausing the dvd.
"I take it you haven't heard?" He asked her.
"Heard what?" Jen frowned at the foreboding tone. "Pacey, what's happened?"
"A fire broke out tonight at the Mayors -"
"At the ball?"
"Yes, Joey's been admitted for severe smoke inhalation, they sedated her but she should be fine." Pacey took a breath, before continuing "It's Matt, Jen, he doesn't look good."
"Jesus Pace." Jen spoke as she finished putting her shoes on and grabbing her keys from the hall stand. "I'm on my way." Jen clicked the phone off and jumped hastily into her car.
Pacey sat in the hall, a few guys from the fire house stood by, waiting to hear word of Matt's condition. Pacey became aware of someone sitting beside him, he looked over to find Melanie, her back stiff, wringing her hands and willing herself not to break down. Pacey grasped her hands to still them and watched as Melanie slowly looked to him and shook her head.
"Um, he's...um there's nothing they can do Pacey. They can't do anything so, so. You want to go in. Um you know." Melanie gulped at the air. "Um say-say goodbye?" Pacey took a breath and nodded slowly. He stood up and made his way in to where Matt lay.
Pacey looked around at the small area around the bed, monitors beeped and the respirator hissed. Matt lay, his skin pale despite the fire residue still left behind. Pacey sat beside him and let out a deep breath.
"Well Oz, this is it man, you always said this was how you would bite it, either that or Mel would choke you to death for leaving the toilet seat up." Pacey let out a humourless chuckle " You know they got that woman out, she's fine, I checked up on her." Pacey shook his head slowly. "I'm going to miss you man, the fire house just not gonna be the same." Pacey stood up and looked down to his best friend. "I'll look after them Matt, I promise you. I will look after them." Pacey placed his hand over Matt's arm and squeezed , he turned and walked away, bowing back briefly "Goodbye Mate" He smiled softly over his shoulder.
Jen was sitting with Melanie once Pacey made it back out into the hall, her head lifted up to Pacey, her arm around Melanie and her face grave.
Melanie rubbed at her nose and stood, thanking Jen before making her way in to see Matt. Pacey stood with his hands in his pocket, Jen stood and moved to stand before him, he jerked his head down the hall and turned, gesturing for Jen to follow.
A soft gasp passed Jen's lips as she took it the sight of Joey lying in bed, her eyes closed, connected to machines by way of tubes and wires. Jen moved forward and took Joey's hand, Pacey could hear her sniffling.
It was at that moment Pacey felt his chest constrict and his heart begin to beat erratically within it. Pacey began to breathe with difficulty and he took steps away.
"Pace?" Jen's brows furrowed with worry, watching him carefully as he backed away, softly shaking his head.
"I just, I-" Pacey turned on heel and fled the building.
Joey's eyes began to flicker as she slowly awoke, Jen watched her, holding her hand as Joey began to panic at the tube connected to her. She started to claw at the tape by her mouth.
"Hey Jo, it's okay, i'll get someone" Jen spoke in a soothing tone, she rubbed Joey's arm as she leaned over to press the call button. Joey's eyes widened momentarily before slowly nodding her head.
"Your throat started to swell so they put that tube down there so you could breathe, it's okay." Joey nodded again, tears clung to her eyelashes, she looked around her, searching. Jen frowned.
"Pacey, he um he just stepped out for a bit. Maybe check on Matt." Joey's eye brows shot up hopefully, Jen shook her head. "Joey, he's not good. They're wanting people to say their goodbyes." Joey shook her head as tears began to flow down her face, she thumped at the bed beside her. Jen tried to soothe her as Joey once again grasped at the intubation tubing.
"Jo, stop. Please just wait." Ruth made her way behind the curtain as Jen held Joey's hands away.
"Hey there Josephine." Joey shot the woman a look of reproach.
"Er it's Joey, she hates being called Josephine." Jen chuckled "Unless you're Pacey and then you might get away with it." Joey rolled her eyes.
"Pacey, the gorgeous firefighter, hey if he was mine i'd let him call me anything he wanted." Ruth winked "The Doctor's being paged so he should be here pretty soon. I'm sure he'll want to extubate seeing as everything looks good." Ruth nodded as a short man with wire framed spectacles and salt and pepper hair made his way over to the bed.
"Your blood looks good now, oxygen levels are almost up to normal so you will still need some administered, your chest films look pretty good but i will want a repeat of those before discharge. But I think we can take that tube out." The doctor moved up to the bed, Jen jumped out of the way so he and the nurse could work.
Jen leaned against the window frame and looked out into the emergency parking area and the parking lot beyond. She caught sight of a familiar figure in the low lighting. Pacey appeared to be leaning over, his hands on his knees, taking in deep breaths. Jen frowned and wondered if he was okay. The sound of Joey coughing pulled Jen's attention away from the window and back toward the bed. She glanced momentarily out the window before glancing back to Joey and the hospital staff around her. Jen caught Joey's eye as she gestured beyond the curtain. Joey inclined her head to her and refocused back on the doctor.
Jen's sneakers squeaked noisily against the flooring in the hall, a quick glance at her watch told her it was very close to 3 am. Jen headed in the direction of the agitated young man, pacing the sidewalk in the dark, a misty wet drizzle had started up.
"Hey" Jen spoke, having no idea what to say, what did one say?
"Hey."
"She's awake." Pacey stopped and looked to his friend, he nodded softly. "You okay Pace?" She asked him, reaching out a hand for him he backed away, turning from her and shaking his head.
"I can't Jen, I can't do this." Jen frowned.
"Mel's going to need us Pace, we need to be strong."
"Yeah, I know Jen and I will be there for her but..." Pacey turned to look at Jen "That's not who I mean Jen." Pacey made his way back into the hospital, leaving Jen to stare after him, wondering what he was talking about.
Pacey sat in the hall, waiting for the inevitable, the one thing they knew was going to happen it was just a matter of when and not if. Pacey sat, his head in his hands and he waited, waited for the news.
It came at 6:27 am, from the lips of a teary blonde. Her blue eyes swimming with grief and despair as she approached him.
"Pace?" Her voice barely audible reached his ears, sounding loudly as though yelled. Pacey's head lifted to take her sight in, he stood and walked to her, his arms outstretched to comfort her. Melanie fell into his embrace with exhaustion. "What am I going to do Pacey, what am I going to do without him? I don't know what to do without Matt." Melanie choked out, sobbing she clutched at his shirt. Pacey held her not knowing what to say, knowing whatever he did say it wouldn't make a difference, it wouldn't make everything alright and it wouldn't bring him back.
The only thing Pacey knew was to hold her, hold her and hope she understood that he would be there for her, for her daughter.
While Pacey stood with Melanie he caught sight of Jen in his periphery, standing, wringing her hands.
One of the nurses came to fetch Melanie and Pacey moved to Jen slowly shaking his head. Jen held her arms out for her friend as he dropped his head down, holding onto Jen like a life line, needing desperately for her to hold him up or else he crumple to the floor below.
Jen helped Joey pack the few items into her bag while they waited for the discharge papers, Joey turned to Jen, tears stinging her eyes.
"How's Pacey?" She asked her, Jen shook her head at her friend, slinging Joey bag over her shoulder.
"I have no idea, he refuses to take my calls and he wont answer the door. I thought that giving him time might help but it's been three days Joey." Joey nodded to the nurse as she handed her papers, giving her the all clear to finally leave the hospital. "I take it you haven't seen him?" Joey shook her head.
"The last time I saw Pacey was before I fainted in the hall." They made their way out of the hospital into the late summer warmth. "Jen it's my fault." Joey's voice was soft as she spoke, she turned to Jen.
"What?" Disbelief evident on her face. Joey sighed and nodded her head, she had thought of nothing but the night of the ball and she could only come down to one thing, it was her fault. If it weren't for her Matt would still be alive and Pacey wouldn't hate her.
"The only reason they went back into that building was to find me Jen, if I hadn't have still been in there they would never have come back in. They weren't even on duty Jen." Jen shook her head at Joey.
"You can't blame yourself for this Jo, it's not your fault." Joey shook her head, convinced Matt would still be alive if it weren't for her that night.
Jen drove along the streets while Joey stared ahead at the traffic. "Funeral's on Friday." Jen said finally, Joey nodded her head.
Jen pulled the car up along the kerb and nodded toward the house.
"Jack's in, there's something i need to do." Joey nodded absently and got out of the car. Jen watched as she made her way to the door and enter the house before she pulled out and headed in the direction of Hell's Kitchen.
Jen thought of going to Pacey's apartment first but thought better of it, she noticed his solitary form sitting at their usual table, he sat staring into his whiskey on ice. Jen stood next to him briefly before moving to sit opposite.
"Hey Pace." Jen said. Pacey looked up slowly, blinking in an attempt to focus and to get the two Jen's to merge into one. "How you doing?" She asked him. Pacey chuckled at her and shook his head.
"Me? I'm just dandy Lindley." He said, downing the last of his drink, slamming the class down. "But you, you better leave though." He said, his eyes narrowing on her. "Cos, you're probably next Jen." His words were slurred and Jen frowned, knowing she needed to get him home, she stood and held her hand out for him.
"Come on Pace, let's get you home." He shook his head "You've had enough Pacey" She said, her voice filled with compassion yet still stern. Pacey sat watching her with unfocussed eyes for a beat before nodding and slowly standing, he took Jen's hand and allowed her to guide him outside and over the road.
After the usual rolling of her eyes after a lewd comment or two from Pacey as Jen checked his pockets for his keys, Jen finally had him inside. She managed to sit him on the sofa with a large glass of water in his hand. He looked to Jen.
"I meant it Jen " He said. Jen only frowned as she took up position on the chair opposite.
"Meant what Pace?" She asked him.
"Leave Jen, get as far away from me as possible." He said, his eyes looked sober and his face set. "Because it's obvious isn't it.?" Pacey sat the water down and rubbed a hand over his face. "People I care about die, so you'll be next Jen." He frown and shook his head.
"Pacey, don't be silly. I know after Matt and ...and Andie you might feel that-"
"Can you just leave. Please." The finality in his voice was clear and Jen stood, turning to leave. She allowed herself one final look over her shoulder to him.
He sat with his head in his hands now. Jen sighed and let herself out.
Joey could see the pain on Pacey's face as he stood with the rest of the firehouse, he stood wearing his dress uniform as the ringing of the bell sounded, Joey bit down on her lip, trying to stop it from trembling as the mournful notes reverberated through her body.
Melanie sat with Matt's mother and father, his two brothers also. Joey spend the time watching Pacey, trying to telepathically comfort him. He never looked to her, not even once and it broke Joey's heart because she knew why. It was her fault, she had killed Matt. If it were not for her Matt would still be alive, Pacey would have his best friend, Melanie a husband and a young baby would not go through live never knowing or remembering her father. The guilt twisted up inside of Joey, she retreated to the bathrooms once the funeral had ended and those in attendance began to disperse.
"Hey" Pacey smiled and reached for her hands, he pulled her into his chest and held her.
"Once we have his ashes I'm going to stay with the Hastings, we are going to release them off at Ben Buckler Point, it's close to where he grew up in Bondi." Melanie tried to smile. Pacey squeezed her hand as they made there way toward the cars parked along the kerb. "Have you spoken to Joey?" Melanie asked. Pacey shook his head, not wanting to elaborate and further. Melanie stopped him, her hand on his arm. "Pacey, you need to talk to her. Jen says she-"
"Mel. Don't" He warned, pulling his arm from beneath her hand. "I can't do this Mel, not now." He turned his back and made his way in the direction of where he was parked.
"I don't know what to do Mel" Jen spoke as she came to stand by the other blonde.
"I know Jen, while I know he's mourning Matt's death, there's something else. I can't get through to him either." Melanie sighed as Matt's mother made her way over with the baby in her arms. "Just, keep an eye on him Jen. I thought he had healed, after Andie now...oh god I don't think I have ever seen him so broken." Jen nodded, she knew exactly what Melanie was talking about, she had thought the same.
Jen looked up to Joey as Melanie's car pulled out into the traffic.
"Hey" Joey said.
"Hey" Jen linked her arm through Joey's and signalled for Jack who stood, engaged in conversation with Trent. He inclined his head, shook Trent's hand and made his way over to Jen and Joey.
"Where's Pace?" Jack asked, looking around for him or evidence of his presence. Jen frowned at him and shook her head.
"He left" She said.
On a sigh, Jack shoved his hands into his trousers, hoping to have a moment or two to talk with his friend. He guessed he would have to try harder to seek him out. Jack looked to Joey, he could see she had attempted to hide the dark circles beneath her eyes with concealer. He knew she had not slept in days, she got up at all hours of the night to sit alone in the kitchen, crying quietly to herself.
She may not be aware of his knowledge, but he knew.