Disclaimer at the end. Enjoy, guys.
So maybe him having seen the kiss was not the most fortunate of events.
Actually, that might be an understatement.
One could argue that, when Alec had found out that Lucas had seen Josh and him kiss, he should have felt relieved. Relieved that he didn't have to go through the embarrassment of telling Lucas himself. Not that he absolutely had to. Telling him would just be an act of common courtesy. But still, the guilt had eaten him alive, leaving him alone and scared and with the growing urge to tell Lucas everything.
It wasn't even like Lucas and Josh were together. But despite Josh liking Alec, he knew that Lucas has always had the biggest crush on Josh. So all things considered, it kind of felt like he'd betrayed his best friend.
The day after the kiss, when he sat down opposite Lucas at their usual table in their favourite coffee shop, he immediately knew something was very wrong. Lucas didn't even so much as smile back when Alec greeted him. He also didn't get up and hug him like he normally would. He didn't even have to fight back a grin when Alec cracked some lame joke about the graphic t-shirt he was currently wearing. Yes, indeed there was something very wrong.
"Uh.. so.. how.. was your day?" Alec started, feeling very unsure. It was his first time seeing Lucas like this. And it was unnerving.
"Fine."
"That's.. uh.. great. Did you do something fun?"
"No."
"Oh, that's.. too bad."
"Yes."
Alec didn't know what to say anymore. Lucas didn't seem to want to talk to him. Hell, it seemed like he didn't even want to look at him, judging by the way his gaze was directed somewhere above Alec's right shoulder. It hurt to think that somehow Lucas was so mad at him that he didn't want to be even in his general presence. What could he have possibly done to make Lucas this mad at him? The day before yesterday everything had been fine. For lunch they'd gone out to eat at their favourite Korean restaurant, had some ice cream afterwards and later that day, they'd been on the phone with each other, gossiping about Alec's new colleague who, for some reason, seemed to hate his guts. Well, at least that feeling was mutual. And yesterday, he hadn't even seen Lucas. He'd been out with his new friend Josh from his photography class that he'd been taking at the local community college for a few months now. And it had been fun. They'd gone to the city park, sat down right under a huge sycamore tree, and took pictures of passing people and animals. It had been an almost serene afternoon. It was all good until Alec decided to go home, right when the sky started to colour in fiery orange and red. Captivated by the gorgeous sunset he'd taken out his precious camera to take one last picture, only for Josh to grab his wrist and pulling him toward him, capturing his lips in a searing kiss. And okay, so maybe Alec hadn't exactly pushed him away at first, because he hadn't been kissed in such a long time and the kiss had felt very nice, but when he'd felt Josh's tongue against his lips, begging for entrance, he'd quickly pulled away, thoughts of his best friend flooding his mind. He'd known Lucas liked Josh and still he'd let himself be kissed by him. What kind of friend did that make him?
He'd felt terrible. He'd needed to get away. So after quickly apologizing to Josh and making up some dumb excuse, he left for his home, feelings of guilt gnawing at his very bones.
Silent, Alec was staring at Lucas' stony features, not being able to fathom what possibly could have happened. They'd been fine. They'd been friends. They'd parted with a smile. Like every Wednesday since the beginning of time. Maybe he was slightly angry that Alec had cancelled on him last minute yesterday to go to the park with Josh instead. Of course he'd kept that little piece of information to himself. It wasn't that he'd thought that Lucas would be jealous. Sure, his best friend liked the guy, but he wasn't prone to irrational thinking and knew for a fact that Alec only saw Josh as a friend. No, it was because for some reason he didn't want to Lucas to know that he'd blown him off for another person.
"Lucas.." Alec tried, his voice calm, but slightly trembling with this illogical kind of fear.
"I saw you kissing Josh."
Everything came to a halt.
Noises, movement, hell, even Alec's breathing.
There was nothing left but this deafening silence.
Lucas' lips were moving again, saying something, but Alec couldn't hear him, couldn't possibly make out what was being said. His brain went into shock. His thoughts came rushing in like a tsunami, unfiltered, crumbling down everything that stood in their way.
Lucas. Yesterday. Thursday.
Yesterday was Thursday.
Lucas and Alec usually went to the park on Thursday.
Yesterday was Thursday.
So Lucas would have been at the park yesterday, with or without Alec.
He felt sick.
How.. why.. how had he seen them? Why didn't he say something earlier? Was he jealous? Surely he had seen that Josh had kissed him and not the other way round. Surely that must have broken his heart. Why was Alec such an asshole? Oh, shit, Lucas had seen the kiss! That's why he was mad! Alec was the worst friend ever. He didn't even have the decency to have told Lucas himself.
He wanted to apologize, to beg for Lucas' forgiveness. He would do anything to be forgiven, anything. There was nothing he wouldn't do if Lucas was the one asking.
So when he opened his mouth to say sorry, what actually came out was:
"You went to the park without me?"
Horrified, Alec recoiled. What the fuck was wrong with him? Instead of a fucking apology, stupid accusations left his mouth. That's why people fucking told him he was socially awkward. Because he wasn't able to function in a completely normal social setting.
"I mean.." he stuttered, desperately trying to slightly decrease the damage, "I mean.. I know it looks bad, but I swear.. Lucas, I swear to God I didn't kiss him, he kissed me! Wow, uh.. God, that actually makes it worse. What I meant was, he kissed me, but it was totally a spur of the moment thing. See, there was this beautiful sunset and who knows, maybe he's had a little something to drink before meeting up with me. Maybe he was actually drunk and confused me with you and he thought he was kissing you. I mean, could be, right? Okay, I guess we don't look alike, but you know how the drunken mind can rationalize everything. And.."
"Did you like it?"
What?
"What?" he repeated, dumbfounded.
"Did you like it?"
"I mean.. I.. I guess. It was a.. an okay kiss, I guess?"
"I see." Lucas said before getting up abruptly and leaving without saying another word.
Okay, seriously. What?
And without sparing another thought Alec jumped from his seat and chased after Lucas.
"Lucas, wait!" he yelled, desperately trying to keep up with Lucas's fast pace.
"Lucas!"
But Lucas wouldn't listen. He kept staring ahead, stubbornly ignoring Alec's calls. It was only when they'd both reached the street Lucas lived on that Alec caught up with him.
"Wait, please!" he begged, grabbing Lucas' wrist.
Immediately Lucas' eyes met his in a gaze of burning fury and Alec wished they hadn't. Lucas had never looked at him like that and it certainly did not feel good to be on the receiving end of his wrath. Even though he kind of deserved it.
"Let. Me. Go." Lucas said, his voice dangerously low.
And Alec would have respected his wish, would've let go of him immediately, if only he didn't think that this would be the last time he ever saw him. He was genuinely scared that, if he let go of Lucas' arm right now, Lucas would leave and never talk to him again. So he held on tight, an expression of desperation and stubbornness in his slightly damp eyes.
"I'm going to repeat myself just once. Let me go. Now."
Still Alec held on, silently begging Lucas to stay, even if only for a moment, and hear him out. It must have shown on his face clear as day, because after minutes of tense silence, Lucas finally sighed, the anger on his face still present.
"Okay, what?"
Relief flooded Alec's system. Yes, Lucas was still furious, but at least he'd given him a chance to talk, to say anything to make it even remotely better, to explain himself.
"I'm so sorry." he started, without letting go of Lucas. "For everything. It's true that Josh initiated the kiss, but I didn't exactly push him away. I think I liked being kissed for the sake of being kissed, because I haven't been kissed in such a long time and I guess I kind of forgot how nice it felt. Not that that's an excuse. I know you like Josh and I should have pushed him away immediately. I betrayed your trust. I'm sorry. Also, I shouldn't have cancelled on you for someone else. That wasn't okay. I'm really sorry."
Lucas didn't respond, but the anger on his face subsided. When every trace of it had vanished, the only thing that remained was the overpowering sadness in his bright green eyes.
"He likes you."
"He does." Alec nodded, finally releasing Lucas' arm. "He told me. But you like him and I wouldn't hurt you like that. I know I made a mistake, but that's all this was. A mistake. I promise. I would never start anything with someone my best friend likes."
"Do you like him?"
"No, not like that. I do like him as a friend and that's the only way I've ever seen him."
"But you liked the kiss."
"I'm not gonna lie, I did. It felt nice and he's a good kisser. So yes, I did enjoy the kiss itself, but not because of the person who was kissing me."
"Is that true?"
Alec winced slightly, being questioned like that by Lucas hurt, but he knew it was justified. "Yes, I swear it's true. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the kiss myself, but I was so scared of you hating me. I did not kiss him first, but I kissed him back. That's something I shouldn't have done when I knew my friend liked him. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Lucas, I'm really sorry, please say you can at least believe that."
The silence that followed felt like the longest Alec had ever had to endure. His heart was trying to beat itself out of his chest and the more time went by, the more nervous he became. What if Lucas didn't forgive him? That would be unbearable. Lucas was his, just as he was Lucas'. They were each others. And they were best friends. They got each other. To have that, only to get it taken away from him, that would truly be intolerable.
"Well." Lucas eventually said, sounding exhausted. "Seems like he didn't have these qualms."
That startled Alec. What was Lucas talking about? He didn't get it at all.
"I'm.. not sure what you're talking about." he finally sighed. Leave it to Lucas to be a cryptic idiot. What was his goal with saying stuff like that anyway? Most people would roll their eyes and get really annoyed if someone acted all cryptic and mysterious. And for a good reason, too.
"I'm saying that he didn't have these qualms."
Here we go again, Alec thought, as he rolled his eyes so hard he was afraid they might get stuck at the back of his head. Okay, so they were having an actual moment of shared feelings and true understanding and Lucas just had to ruin it with his remote one-liners. What was he even getting at? If he had something to say, well, then he should hurry up and say it, because right now, he was just being irritating.
"I don't get it." he declared for lack of something better to say. This statement was not entirely false, though, so he stuck with it.
Lucas seemed strangely tense when his kept running over Alec's face like he was afraid this was the last time he was going to see him and was trying to memorize every last one of his features. He appeared to be nervous, but also just done with everything. Most of all Alec's stupidity.
"Josh and I, we were friends." he finally claimed. Which, to be honest, was not some big revelation as he might have thought, because that was just stating a fact.
Wait.
Were?
"You were friends?"
"Yes."
"Uh. When was this decided?"
"When I saw you kissing him."
Alec sighed. "Okay, first of all: He kissed me. I told you. And second of all: Is that really the factor that decides the outcome of your friendship? I mean, I get that you were heartbroken when you saw the guy you like kissing someone else, but if he didn't like you back, he didn't deserve your feelings in the first place, okay?"
"He did. He does."
"Right. Well, it's great that you think so, but you just told me that you and Josh weren't friends anymore."
"Because we're not."
Alec was starting to get really confused. He felt like there might be something big he was missing here. Because why else was Lucas still acting like this.
"Right."
Nothing was right. Everything was wrong. Why wouldn't Lucas just tell him what was going on so he could stop feeling like a total moron for not grasping the context here.
"Okay, so let me get this straight. Just because Josh doesn't like you back, you won't be his friend anymore? That's cold."
Silence.
"But even though you won't be his friend anymore, you still think this guy deserved your feelings. Oh, I mean deserves. Basically, you saw him kissing someone else, still like him anyway, but can't continue your friendship?"
"Why wouldn't we be able to continue our friendship?"
This was getting seriously frustrating.
"You just said.."
"I said that I won't be Josh's friend anymore because I saw you kissing him."
"Yeah, exactly."
Lucas laughed quietly, but it wasn't a happy kind of laugh. It was self-deprecating, sad almost. And it felt forced. "You don't get it, do you?"
Ah, so he had been missing the whole point. Go figure.
"Get what?" he inquired.
"I'm jealous."
"Uh. Well, yeah, I kinda figured." Alec responded. Back to stating facts again, he was, wasn't he. "Because he kissed me and not you, right?"
"No."
"Huh?" Not the answer he was expecting.
"Because you kissed him."
"I.. well, yeah, I just said that. Look, I'm sorry, I still don't get it."
By the creased lines on his forehead, you could tell that Lucas was beginning to get irritated again and that was never a good sign.
"What is there not to understand? He kissed you, even though he was my friend and he knew. He knew, okay. I can't be his friend anymore. I don't want to."
If his absolutely blank mind was anything to go by, Alec could only imagine the kind of face he was making. In which direction was Lucas taking this conversation? Wasn't he jealous of him because Josh kissed him? Because it sure as hell didn't sound like that's what he was getting at. It sounded more like.. like he was jealous of Josh. Which was just ridiculous.
Wasn't it?
"What.." Alec swallowed. He was scared. But he also wanted to know. More than anything. "What did he know?"
Lucas' eyes met his straight on, his face devoid of any humour, his gaze deadly serious. "He knew that I'm in love with you, but he still kissed you. That's not what a friend does."
Alec couldn't breathe, couldn't speak, couldn't even so much as move. Had he just heard Lucas right? Did he just say he was in love with Alec? That's.. that wasn't true, right? He was joking, wasn't he? Not that Lucas looked like he was joking, with his face devoid of any emotion, let alone any hint of a smile. Oh God, he wasn't joking. He wasn't joking.
How? Why? That didn't make any sense.
Though, it would explain why he was so angry when he saw them kissing. Why he was getting so pissed off when Alec told him he'd liked the kiss. Why he kept on asking whether or not he liked Josh, liked the kiss. And why he was sad when he told Alec that Josh liked him.
But didn't he like Josh?
"I.." his voice sounded so small, was barely even there. "I thought you liked Josh. Didn't you say you liked Josh?"
"No. You said I liked Josh. I just never disagreed. At that time it seemed like.. the easier option."
"Easier compared to.. what exactly?"
"Easier compared to telling you how I felt."
"I.. I was so sure you liked him. Whenever we hung out you would always join us. And you kept staring at him with this strange look on your face. Oh and you kept asking about him. Before you started to hang out with him on your own I mean. Like, why would you.."
Realization dawned on Alec's features.
"Oh. You were jealous, weren't you? That look on your face.. that was jealousy, right?"
"It was. I was. He.. I could see that he liked you like right from the start. The way he looked at you.. I was furious. Then I got to know him and it turned out that I genuinely liked him and we became friends."
"But.." Alec stuttered. "You knew that I only liked him as a friend, right?"
"I did." Lucas agreed, his face calm now, almost as if he were relieved. "And I also knew that he liked you as so much more. Which is why I kept being jealous of him, despite him being my friend."
Alec turned his head sideways and took a deep breath. This little piece of information right there was a whole lot to swallow. It almost felt like his whole conception of the world had been shaken, only to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. He had firmly believed in Lucas' feelings for Josh. So much so, in fact, that it was very hard for him to accept anything Lucas had just told him. He did believe him, of course, had to, if the look on Lucas' told him anything, but it felt strange, wrong in a way, to just randomly change everything he'd ever conceived as true.
"I never knew.."
"That he liked you? Well, now you know, don't you? You said he told you."
"Yes, he did. Right before.. right before he kissed me. But that's not what I.."
Lucas' forehead creased in a frown. "I guess it's going to take some time getting used to you saying that. It still pisses me off, though."
"Sorry, I.. I'll try to remember that. But, listen, that's not what I wanted to say.."
"To be completely honest, I always thought someday he was going to make a move. He kept talking about you. But so did I, I guess. We were never so much hanging out as being a support group. I told him I had feelings for you and he told me that he had feelings for you. It was weird in a therapeutic kind of way."
"Uh, I guess. Listen.."
Lucas chuckled. "Guess I'll have to find an actual friend to talk about my feelings now, won't I? I mean, one that doesn't have feelings for you. I would talk to you about it, but that would be all kinds of wrong, wouldn't it?"
"Lucas!"
This exclamation actually stunned Lucas into silence. Finally.
"Maybe, I don't know, stop interrupting me?"
Now his best friend just looked sheepish. Cheeky little shit he was.
"What I meant to say was.. like.. I never knew you liked me. Like there was not even a hint. How could I have I possible known? And why didn't you ever tell me? I know you were probably scared that it wasn't mutual and would lead to all kinds of awkwardness or something, but.. to be honest.. it just feels like you didn't trust me enough."
"No, that's not it, I swear, it's never that."
"Then what was it?" Alec sighed. He felt emotionally exhausted, but he also knew he just had to power through this for them to actually get somewhere. So steeling his nerves, he grabbed Lucas's hand, interlacing their fingers. Allowing himself a tiny little smirk at Lucas' blush, he couldn't deny feeling a bit lightheaded himself.
"I knew our friendship would survive this, I never once doubted that." Lucas gulped. "But I was so very scared of the heartbreak."
Heartbreak. Yeah. But would there have been heartbreak? Alec wasn't so sure. He's never had to name the thing he's always felt about Lucas. So maybe now was the time to finally figure it out. There's always been something about Lucas he'd found strangely addictive. Like a drug, that took over his whole being, not being able to stay away from it, not being able to give it up. Also, he knew he belonged to Lucas, just as Lucas belonged to him even if he didn't know that yet. And they got each other, like actually got each other. They understood without saying a word. That was a rare thing to find. Looking back on yesterday, he also had to admit that, while he had certainly felt guilty because he'd thought he'd kissed his best friends crush, he might have also felt guilty for thinking he, Alec, had cheated on his friend. They were not a couple, so even thinking that was utter bullshit, but it was still true. That's exactly what he had felt. That it was wrong for him specifically to kiss someone else. So considering that and the fact that he would never be able to live even a second without Lucas, this might not have to end in the utter heartbreak Lucas was anticipating.
"Alec." Lucas groaned, ripping Alec from his inner monologue.
Oh, maybe he had been standing there a few minutes too long, staring into nothing. So it was really no wonder Lucas had started to look nervous.
"Please just.. please just say something. Anything."
"What do you want me to say?"
Thank goodness Lucas immediately seemed to catch on to Alec's covert challenge for what it was. Teasing. Because that was exactly what they did. Diffuse the tension by trying to make it into a joke. Surely not the healthiest of attitudes, but it did work for them. And so what if people often mistook it for flirting. It was just teasing. Just teasing.
"Oh, I definitely know what I want you to say." Lucas smirked.
Okay, maybe it was flirting.
"And what might that be, pray tell."
Yes, okay, nothing 'maybe' about it. So what? Sue him. You know, denial's a pretty strong thing, so there's really no need to judge him.
"Oh, I don't know if I'm ready to tell you yet. How about a kiss to help me decide?"
Alec chuckled when he saw the corners of Lucas' mouth twitching. Just one more.
"Sure, let me go get my grandma. Though she's really only an expert at kissing people anywhere except the mouth. Sure caught me of guard when she kissed my collarbone once."
That did it. Lucas broke down laughing so hard that after a few moments he was desperately gasping for breath, tears streaming down his face, a chocking sound escaping his throat. And that's what they were about. Making each other laugh even if there was nothing to laugh about.
In the end it took more then ten minutes for Lucas to calm himself down and even then he still snickered ever so often.
"Yes, please." He finally exclaimed, breathless. "Please go get your grandma. Like yesterday."
"Like yesterday? Seriously?"
"Yep, like yesterday."
Alec softly laughed, shaking his head. Well, at least Lucas was back to his old self, gone was all the nervous energy (more like nervous breakdown energy). And, as a bonus, he seemed to have been spared having to confess his feelings. Which was always a good thing, in his opinion.
"I was serious about the kiss though."
His cheeks drained of colour almost instantly. Looks like someone cheered too soon. And that someone was him. Damn it! Why would Lucas always spring something like that on him. And after he so skilfully dodged a bullet there, too. There should be a law or something like that against him. Someone should really bring that up in congress some time.
"Uhm.." Alec mumbled intelligently. Leave it up to Lucas to render him speechless. Life wasn't fair sometimes. "I.." he stuttered. So that had escalated quickly. First there was fighting, then a serious discussion about feelings and heartbreak, then there was flirting, a joke and now this? How the hell had this happened?
"I'm.. actually not sure how we got from A to B." he finally remarked, sighing. And that wasn't even an exaggeration.
"I'm sorry." Lucas exhaled, taking a step toward Alec who in turn took a step back. "I didn't mean to say it like that. But I am serious. I just realized it might be my only chance to ever get a kiss from you and I.. I mean.. if you.. would you? Uhm.. kiss me I mean. It can even be a tiny peck if you want. Just.. please."
Alec frowned. That sounded weird, even coming from his best friend. Why would he do this to himself? It was basically torture. Imagine, the one person you had feelings for would kiss you without it meaning anything to them and you would, in turn, be tormented with these imagines until you fall in love with someone else. Just the thought was harrowing.
"Please."
But..
Would it mean nothing to him?
He did have some kind of feelings for Lucas, obviously romantic in nature. But if they reached beyond infatuation he did not know. What if he simply had a crush on his friend? He's had crushes on friends before. Guy friends, girl friends, anyone really. And every single time it had been the result of spending too much time with a good looking person. And Lucas definitely was a handsome guy, funny, smart, and he appreciated him the way he was, preferred him that way actually. So what if..
But Lucas was different. Lucas was his best friend. There was no one he'd rather spend his time with. And he knew, without a doubt, that he already belonged to Lucas. Belonged with him. His soul was already his. So giving him heart and body as well would not seem like that big of a stretch to him. In fact, it would feel liberating. To let go of something he'd been trying to suppress for ages would feel like lifting a weight of your shoulders you didn't even know you were carrying.
"Okay."
Lucas seemed to do a double take at the simple affirmation. "What?" he breathed, surprise and something like hope clouding his voice.
It was so easy, the whole time it had been so easy. "Okay, I will kiss you. To help you decide if you're ready to tell me yet, of course."
"Of course."
And there it was. Lucas' smile. It was back. A little dimmed, a little cautious, but still bright and visible in the orange light of the setting sun.
"But first we should definitely go to your place."
"What? Why?"
Now it was Alec's turn to smile. "What kind of girl do you think I am?" he smirked. "I don't want your neighbours to see us making out. You know I've never been that big a fan of PDA."
His friend blushed a bright red. Only the thought of making out with Alec seemed to make his blood take retours through his body. Fascinating. Also it was fun to make Lucas so flustered. He was absolutely adorable being embarrassed like that. Not that Alec would ever tell him that, let alone say it to his face.
"Come on." he laughed, his eyes set on Lucas' flushed cheeks. "It's right across the street. See?"
And it was. They'd stopped right across the street from Lucas' apartment. Well, he hadn't expected anything less than that. Not from them at least.
"So.." he finally said after a few moments of tense silence. "How about we.." was all he was able to get out before warm and slightly shaky fingers closed around his wrist and started dragging him straight across the road towards the house with the black wooden door and it's shiny golden brass handles (the house looked, in fact, way too London-y for a place in North America, in Alec's humble opinion. Lucas would never know). Once they reached the door, Lucas paused. He seemed nervous, but was also buzzing with a strange sort of energy. His eyes met Alec's for just a second and that seemed to make up his mind. With a new kind of determination he pushed open the front door and headed towards elevators at the far left side, his hand still closed possessively around Alec's wrist.
Entering the elevator, he quickly pressed the button with the brightly lit number 7 for his floor. Quickly meaning far too slow and with trembling fingers.
"Are you okay?" Alec asked. "You know, if you changed your mind, just say the word. We don't have to if you don't want to."
"I want to."
"Are you sure? Because, you know, it's perfectly fine to.."
"I want to!"
Surprised by Lucas' exclamation Alec took a step back and raised his hands in surrender. "Okay, I'm sorry. Okay."
"Okay."
When they finally reached the door to Lucas' apartment on the 7th floor, even the air around them seemed tense with anxiety and worry. And anticipation.
Lucas unlocked and opened his front door. Both he and Alec entered, closing the door behind them.
"Okay.. now what?" Alec dared to ask after seconds of silence. The whole situation with them awkwardly standing in the hallway, carefully avoiding to look at each other, was actually starting to feel uncomfortable and not in a good way.
"I.." Lucas faltered, his voice barely even there.
Once again Alec didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. That was not going great. In fact, it was the complete opposite.
"Are you nervous?" he asked after another moment of silence.
The uneasy laugh Alec got in response should have been answer enough, but Lucas eventually said, "Of course I'm nervous, you idiot. This means everything to me. I finally get everything I ever wanted."
"So what's the problem?"
"I want this. I want it more than anything. But I also know that things won't be the same afterwards. At least for me they won't."
"We don't have to.."
"I know. But I want to."
Alec smiled reassuringly. "Don't worry. Just trust me."
Careful, as if approaching a rabid animal, Alec took a step towards Lucas. When his friend didn't seem to move anytime soon, Alec gathered the rest of his shrivelled up courage and grabbed Lucas' right hand, immediately interlacing their fingers. And although Lucas seemed taken aback, and certainly shocked, there was the hint of a smile in the corner of his mouth, a tiny blush reddening his cheeks.
And that was all the push Alec needed. Slowly, ever so slowly, he raised his free right hand to Lucas' face. "You said something about me helping you decide?" His long fingers grazed across his friends' jaw and around the back of his neck, tightly holding onto him.
Alec could feel Lucas' facial muscles beneath his palm struggling against a bigger smile before he saw it spreading hesitantly across his face.
"You do like to be thorough." Lucas said.
Alec laughed and could feel Lucas exhale against his lips.
"I can't believe you just set me up for fucking porn dialogue.." Alec inhaled sharply as Lucas slid his left hand ever so lightly, affection in the very tips of his fingers, across his back and finally fitted it along the curve of his waist.
"I can't believe you didn't pick up with 'Let me show you'." Lucas said, laughing nervously.
His barely contained giddiness that seemed to match his own made it really difficult for Alec to stop himself from smiling. "Will you just hurry up and buy.."
Lucas pulled Alec into him, tilted his head and pressed his lips to Alec's so urgently, it was like he, without a doubt, felt like this was the only chance he was ever going to get. They both strained a little, with them being roughly the same height, and it worked. Alec nipped at Lucas' lower lip and kissed back just as urgently, slipped his tongue into Lucas' hum of agreement, tasting their shared desperation.
Alec was irrationally afraid that if he let go of Lucas' face this might stop as soon as it started. But Lucas – it was like he was mapping him out, safely storing everything to memory.
Lucas pressed close, kissing him hard.
"Wait." Alec said on an exhale, dropping his hand from Lucas' neck and burying it in Lucas shirt right above his heart. He dipped his head to rest their foreheads against one another, breathing hard, eyes closed.
"What?" Lucas asked, looking at his eyelids up close and trying to get his breath back.
Alec eyes slid up to his again, bright and unfocused. "I just.. I don't.."
Lucas instinctively took a step back, looking lost and uncertain at the abrupt loss of contact. "Oh, yeah, I guess.. I'm sorry, I didn't.." He sighed. "I'm sorry. I guess I got a little carried away."
All of a sudden, he had an armful of Alec, and he had always known how well they could fit together, but he'd never known it so intimately like this.
"Lucas, stop. Stop it." Alec said, his voice hoarse. This kiss – this kiss had definitely left a permanent mark on him. Never in his whole life had he been kissed like that. Compared to this, Josh's kiss had been a joke. Nice, sure, but nice is not really the word you should describe a kiss with. Whereas Lucas' kiss could only described as.. life changing.
"I'm sorry, Alec, I.."
"No, I said stop it. You have nothing to apologize for. I agreed to kiss you, didn't I?"
"You did."
Alec smiled. "See? Everything's fine." Reluctantly he took a step back from Lucas' embrace, so that his friend could see his face when he was going to say his next words. "So, I believe there was a decision to be made."
"There was." Lucas said, a tiny smirk spreading across his blushing features.
"And what's the conclusion? Are you ready to tell me?" Alec grinned. He was nervous for some reason, but more than anything he wanted to hear the answer. It was a strange kind of feeling.
"Alec.. I.." Lucas started to say. It seemed as if whatever he wanted to say was not an easy thing to express. Even though look on his face told another story. He desperately wanted to say it, but didn't know how. "I.." he tried again. It was distressing to watch him struggle with his words, but Alec also knew he would not be able to help him. This was something Lucas had to accomplish on his own.
"Earlier.." Lucas eventually said, his eyes anywhere but on Alec. "..when you asked me what I wanted you to say, I.." he lifted his eyes up Alec's, afraid but serious. "I wanted you to say that you love me, too."
Silence.
Alec was stunned. But not because he was shocked, no, quite the opposite. It was the sudden surge of emotion – dare he say it, love - that had rendered him absolutely speechless. Didn't Lucas know what he did to Alec when he said stuff like this? His heart ached. His heart yearned. And it longed for Lucas' warmth.
"I.." Alec breathed.
What did he want to say exactly? That he did, in fact, love him, too? Well, he was pretty sure he did. No, scratch that, he did. He loved him. And after admitting that to himself it should be so easy to just come right out and say it. But it wasn't. It was hard. Now he finally understood why Lucas couldn't seem to find the words.
"I.." Why, for the love of god, was Lucas so much braver than him? They were the same age, the same gender, grew up in the same small town and liked the same goddamn things. They were practically the same fucking person! So why wouldn't his mouth just form the words?
"Listen, I.."
Just say it, goddamn it!
"I guess I.. I guess I should tell you something." Finally, Alec berated himself, you stubborn idiot.
Alec took a deep breath to steel himself, but before more words could leave his mouth, Lucas paled drastically and whispered. "Are you.. do you.. like someone else? Is it.. is it Josh?"
"What?!"Alec sputtered. "No! No, damn it, I told you I just like him as a friend. The kiss was fine, but nothing special, and he's just a friend! How often do I have to tell you?"
"I'm.."
"I didn't even kiss him back, for god's sake!"
"I know, I.."
"How can you say stuff like that after we pretty much made out?"
"Nothing 'pretty much' about it."
"Exactly, that's what I'm saying! Now shut your fucking pie hole, it's my turn to talk and you, for once in your goddamn life, will listen! Understood?"
"Understood."
"Awesome." Alec sighed, his eyes leaving Lucas' face, settling somewhere on the wall behind him.. "Now that that's cleared up, there is something I guess I have to tell you. No, like.. I'm not guessing I have to tell you.. I know I should. It's like.. wow, I guess this is hard." He laughed, self-deprecatingly. "Look, I might not have been entirely honest with you and I'm sorry. I mean, I didn't lie to you, I swear I didn't. It's just.. there's just some piece of information I deliberately withheld. Information that might have been considered crucial in the specific situation." His eyes wandered back to Lucas.
Lucas seemed serious, his mouth was set in a tight, straight line and his bright green eyes were dark and narrowed. He didn't seem angry, but disappointed, which was somehow worse.
"When you were talking about your feelings for me, I lead you to believe that they weren't mutual on purpose and changed the topic when things were getting too deep. As I'm wont to do. I'm sorry, Lucas. I really am. But I couldn't say anything. I didn't know how I felt about you. It wouldn't have been fair to give you false hope. Really, I'm sorry."
The whole time he'd been talking, he had been looking straight into Lucas' eyes to convey how sincere his apology was. Because it was. No more hiding behind false confidence, no more jokes, no more teasing, no more changing the topic, now was the time for honesty. Anything Lucas wanted to know, Alec would answer. This whole keeping secrets thing would stop now. He was just so tired of it.
Lucas wasn't saying anything. He kept completely still, his eyes strained, but focused only on Alec, never swaying, never unsure, always steady. His hands were clenched into fists at his sides. But still, he didn't seem angry. Nor did he seem disappointed anymore. No, he seemed concentrated, intending to listen to Alec's every word.
"Please say something." Alec begged, desperate for something, anything to break the silence.
"I.. Can I just ask you one thing?"
"Sure. Anything. Anything at all."
"How do you really feel about me?"
Alec took a deep breath. "Actually, can we sit down for that?"
"Sure."
It took them not even a minute to move from the hallway to the dove grey and white couch in Lucas' living room, but to Alec it felt like hours. He was ready, he felt ready to tell Lucas about his feelings, but he was also so very afraid. Why, he did not know. He knew Lucas loved him, knew he would eventually forgive him for everything that'd happened, but still fear was gnawing at his insides. He was about to reveal something he'd kept even from himself for quite a while now. Maybe even years. And instead of feeling lighter, something very heavy, very dark settled in his gut.
It was hard for Alec to relax into the secure softness of the couch, even after leaving about two feet of space between him and Lucas. He was very aware of their proximity.
"Okay, so.." he started, swallowing hard. "What.. what did you want me to say?"
He was nervous. What if Lucas didn't understand what he was getting at? But he needn't have worried. Of course his best friend immediately understood.
"I wanted you to say that you love me, too."
Alec closed his eyes. Had to. Because if he had to look at Lucas while confessing, his courage would be out the window in no time. "I.. I love you, too."
A sob broke the heavy silence after Alec's confession.
Alec's eyes shoot open in surprise. There Lucas was, on the other end of the couch, fingers tightly clasped in his lap, tears streaming down his face. Sobs were breaking from his throat so harshly, he seemed to struggle to take a proper breath. "What?" he asked, his voice breathless and thick with tears.
"I love you, too." Alec repeated. "Lucas. I do. I love you. I finally understood after you kissed me. Because of course I do. Of course I love you. And I'm sorry it took me so long to realize."
"Are you joking?"
"What? No."
"Are you making fun of me?"
"Is that what you really-? No!"
"Do you think this is funny?"
"Not particularly, no."
"Then why are you saying this?" Lucas demanded, still sobbing violently, but noticeably trying to repress it.
"Because I love you and frankly, I think it's a little insulting that you treat my feelings like some kind of one-liner." And it was. It felt like his feelings weren't taken seriously, even being deemed worthless. And that fucking hurt.
Shaking fingers reached for his arm. But even though Alec's gaze was on Lucas the entire time and he could therefore clearly see that it was Lucas' arm they were attached to, his mind couldn't seem to process it. So his eyes followed them as they were placed right above his elbow on his upper arm as if they were some recently discovered specimen of an unknown species. It was weirdly fascinating.
"Is it true?" asked Lucas, his voice soft, fond and hopeful.
Alec sighed, his eyes still firmly set on Lucas's hand on his arm. "Yes. Of course it's true. I would never lie about something like this."
The fingers moved, steady and sure in their path this time, up his arm, over his shoulder and neck and came to a rest on his cheek. When Alec's eyes eventually snapped to Lucas' green ones, he noticed that they were still wet, but shone in pure, unadulterated adoration.
"Alec." he breathed, Alec's name on his lips like a prayer. "Can I kiss you?"
Alec's breathing stopped momentarily. All cards were on deck now. They knew about each others feelings now, there were no more secrets left to hide. So it was bound to feel differently now, of course it was. But this Lucas, this awed Lucas, this tender and adoring Lucas, that seemed to worship every breath he took, was so new. It seemed as if Lucas' eyes saw him and him alone. So that's what it felt like to be so loved, Alec thought. It was a warm kind of feeling, comforting and soft and Alec wished it would never end.
"Yes." he whispered, somehow afraid that if he talked to loudly, Lucas would disappear.
This kiss was so different from their first. Where their first kiss had been passionate and desperate in nature, their second one was soft and barely more than a pressing of lips. But still it was the one they would always remember, would always talk to their grandkids about as their first kiss, because in this moment, for the very first time, they could both feel the raw, unconditional love they held for each other. It was magical. And perfect. And theirs.
Disclaimer: Both Alec and Lucas are mine. The story is also completely mine. English is not my first language, so sorry if there's mistakes. Also.. sorry for the drama. I wrote this just for fun.