Maternal Instincts

The infants' soft cries carried across the room to the bed where Silvia was lying. She put her pillow over her head and closed her eyes, but she could still hear the muffled sound. She felt her breath become shallow and hot tears ran across her face and into her ears. She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them with shaking arms, unable to control the tears.

The birth had been easy, although it took all of her self-control to not scream from the pain. The pains had started just after she had sent the replacement Duchessa out in her place and she knew it was coming to an end. She sent for Susanna and ordered a hot bath to be made while she waited for the midwife. A fire was lit and the tub moved close, so the fire would keep that water heated. She'd sat in the bath letting the hot water ease her pain as the contractions came more quickly. After a few hours, she'd allowed herself to be moved to the bed, and within twenty minutes a healthy baby girl was delivered. She barely took one look at her before ordering the midwife to get rid of her, and refused to hold her. She allowed the midwife to clean her up while she laid in a daze. When the bed had been cleaned and she'd put on fresh clothes, she lay on the bed and hadn't moved since.

Slowly, she uncurled herself and removed the pillow, rubbing her eyes as they adjusted to the soft light. She rolled onto her back and stretched gingerly. She crossed her arms behind her head, closed her eyes, and took several deep breaths, taking note of how each one entered and left her body. The child had stopped crying now, and the silence was deafening. She turned her head to the direction of the child, unable to see her in the candlelight. She hadn't wanted to see her when the midwife first held her up, but now, with no one else around, it seemed the perfect opportunity to see her before she was taken.

She held her breath and pushed herself into a sitting position, wincing as her stitches pulled slightly. She tilted her head back and counted as the pain subsided. She swung her legs off the bed and placed her feet firmly on the cold floor. With one hand on her mattress and the other gripping the top of the bedhead, and stood up. Her legs shaking and her head spinning, she leant against the bedframe. She steadied herself and crept over to the basket where the child had been laid until she could be transported in secret. She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror; already her body was recovering, and her belly, though soft from pregnancy, was only slightly round. It would be easy to conceal in the morning.

The child was asleep, curled up in her blanket. Silvia looked at her for a few minutes, taking in her chubby cheeks and her brown hair. Giving into her bodies urge to cuddle her, she gently lifted the infant up. She was barely longer than her forearm. She stirred as Silvia held her against her chest, but Silvia quickly tucked her blanket in, and she went back to sleep. Silvia carried her over to the window. The stars twinkled in the sky, and the full moon bathed the city in light. As she watched the party in the square below, she allowed herself to get immersed in memories.

It had been a full moon the night she conceived her daughter. Missing Rodolfo desperately, she'd made a trip to Padavia for the day to see him. After a private dinner, they watched the sunset from a mountain that overlooked the city. They'd made love under the stars, and burning with desire they hadn't been as careful as they usually were. A few weeks later she noticed that she'd missed her monthly cycle, and a persistent nausea made her send for a midwife. The midwife who confirmed her pregnancy was sworn to silence.

In the early days, she'd ordered Susanna to source the potion women drank to end pregnancies. Although her waiting woman followed her orders, she could never bring herself to drink it. Instead, she sent for her sister, and asked her to care for the child. At first Valeria had tried to talk her out of it. "There's no greater feeling in the world than holding your child in your arms,' she'd said, but Silvia stubbornly refuse to listen. It was too dangerous, Silvia had said. A child would be a weapon, kidnapped and used as ransom by her enemies until she bent to their will. She did not want her child to be raised in such an environment. Seeing the fear in her sister's eyes, and her fierce desire to protect her child. Valeria agreed.

The new few months passed in a blur. Silvia struggled through the sickness in the early weeks alone, with no one to hold her hair or rub her back. As her tummy grew, she hid it away, unable to rub it when the child moved within her, or show off her growing bump to the world. Instead of decorating a nursery and purchasing clothes and a cradle, she was making sure her sister had everything she would need. She closed off her heart to her child, refusing to acknowledge or bond with it.

One night, as she stared out the window, tear-stained parchment in her hands, she picked out a name for her child. Her sister had agreed to let her do that, but until this moment she had been delaying. With Rodolfo's latest letter in her hand, telling her that he would soon be finished with his studies and would be returning home for good, she made a decision she thought he'd be happy with.

She turned her focus again to her newborn daughter. "Arianna, after your grandmother."

Arianna stirred when she heard her name, and opened her eyes. Already they were same colour as Silvia's, but when Silvia looked at her daughters face she saw a pair of deep black eyes looking back at her. Rodolfo has always wanted a family, and when she told him she would never have children he'd been unable to completely hide emotions. He loved her, he'd said, and was willing to give that up for her, but Silvia had seen the hurt in his eyes as he said it. She hated hurting him, but had long since buried her feelings. Now, staring into the violet eyes of their daughter, she began to weep. She loved Rodolfo more than anything in the world, and now she had more of him. As the child curled a tiny hand around Silvia's finger, she made a decision.

"I can't do this," she whispered.

She straightened her shoulders and walked over to her desk with the infant snuggled into the crook of her arm and pulled out some paper and a quill. Quickly, she scribbled a note to Rodolfo to return to her without delay as a matter of urgency. She sealed the letter and called for Susanna. The waiting woman entered the bedchamber and her eyes grew wide as she hurried to her Mistresses wide.

'I want you to deliver this to Rodolfo immediately. There will be no rest for the rider until he is on the next boat back here. Then I need you to visit my sister. Tell her that the child was born this evening. Tell her that she is healthy. Tell her that her child died tonight during birth, and bring her to me."

Susanna rushed out of the room. Silvia nestled herself against her pillows and looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. She stroked her cheek, took in her scent, and kissed her softly on the forehead. "You are wanted, and you are very much loved' she whispered. She sat gazing at her daughter for a long time, until she stirred and began to cry. Silvia lowered her to her breast and coaxed her to latch on. As the child fed she thought about what the future now held. Her sister would undoubtedly be upset, but Silvia was certain she would understand her change of heart. She wasn't sure yet how she was going to face Rodolfo. She just hoped that his love for their daughter would outweigh his anger at her for her hiding it from him.