CHAPTER 4: In Grief, There's Levity
"Glitter in the Air" by P!nk
When Jasper and I were finished massacring a herd of five elk, I stood up straight to survey the damage… and I don't mean the elk.
Jasper still looked perfect, of course. His hair was a little messier than usual, but with those curls it was difficult to notice such minimal damage. Other than that, he looked just as he had back in the meadow. His clothes were clean and completely intact, except for the small tear I'd accidentally made in his shirt earlier. My appearance, however… Well, Jasper sure thought it was funny.
"What did I do wrong?" I grumbled as Jasper choked down his laughter.
"You didn't do anything wrong," he said reassuringly. "You're young. Hunting is instinctual, but hunting neatly takes practice. You'll learn."
"I hope I learn soon," I groaned as one of my tattered sleeves gave up and just fell off. The once purple sweater dress I wore was a dark burgundy color, every bit of it blood-stained. Rips and tears varying in size peppered the dress. Somehow, I'd managed to lose my shoes entirely. "Alice is going to kill me if I keep this up."
"Don't worry, I'll keep her off you," Jasper laughed, pushing aside the carcass of one of my kills and grabbing one of my missing shoes from under it. "We can probably convince Emmett to help too, if you're really afraid." The teasing tone of Jasper's voice was completely unfiltered. I growled at him, but his smile just got wider as the joke continued. "Really, Bella, trying to figure out what to expect from you is a full-time job—when you were human, you spent almost all your time with vampires and werewolves and you so rarely showed even an ounce of fear, but now that you're a newborn vampire, you're afraid of Alice."
"Right, you'll protect me," I countered, heavy on the sarcasm. "I seem to remember even you couldn't beat Alice during those training fights." That wiped the smug smile off Jasper's face. For a moment.
"You really shouldn't have said that," he playfully growled, slipping into a crouch as he faced me. I didn't even try to defend myself, stunned as I was by the sudden, uncomfortable sense of déjà vu that hit me even harder than Jasper did. Just as he had back in the meadow, Jasper pulled away from me as soon as he realized I'd shut down. "Bella?" His voice was full of concern, but still sharp, demanding a response. I blinked a couple times and took an unneeded deep breath.
"It's nothing," I promptly lied, pushing myself back to my feet. Jasper deliberately hit me with an excessively strong wave of trust. "Fine," I growled, suddenly belligerent, "I was thinking of Edward. He said that same thing to me before. He did that same thing to me before. The day he brought me to the house for the first time, I told him he wasn't as scary as he thought and he said, 'you really shouldn't have said that,' and sprang at me. As I was still human then, he had me pinned just as easily."
When Jasper didn't respond for a moment, I was able to calm down on my own, and I looked up at him to see his hands clenched into fists at his sides and his head hanging down. "I can't seem to do anything right with you, can I?" He murmured softly. "You show incredible control on your first hunt and I practically reprimand you for it, you end up consumed by grief for a week and I barely make a dent in it, I try to bring you to a place where you can find solace and it makes you question your sanity… Twice now we've engaged in play fights, and both times you've completely shut down."
"Jasper, none of that is your fault," I said firmly. "I'm a mess, alright? I really wouldn't blame you if you preferred dealing with normal newborns instead of… well, I'm really at a loss for a fitting name for me right now. I was a crazy human, and I'm a freak show as a vampire. Maybe that's what I carried over into this life. So far, I don't seem to be gifted in any other way, except control, I guess. Is that it? Do you think my control could be some kind of supernatural talent? Not nearly as impressive as what you, Alice, and Edward can do—I mean, what Edward could do, but—"
"It's difficult to say," Jasper responded thoughtfully. "I really don't know how to answer that. Carlisle will probably be interested in your theory, and we should be getting back, but we need to clean up our mess here first." I had completely forgotten about the five dead elk lying motionless around us.
"What do we do with them?" I asked, looking down at my fallen prey. "Do we bury them?"
"Yes," Jasper said, smiling at my effort to understand. "Preferably where surrounding brush is dense, where there's no chance of human hikers finding them." I nodded my understanding and Jasper and I went to work, carrying the amazingly lightweight carcasses of our kills into an area of thick flora and burying them in a matter of minutes. We still hadn't found my second missing shoe by the time the job was done.
"Maybe one of the elk ate it to spite me?" I grumbled. Jasper laughed.
"They're not as dumb as many humans think they are, but they aren't that smart," he chuckled, shaking his head. Let's see…" I watched Jasper closely as he closed his eyes and breathed deeply a few times, clearly taking in all the surrounding scents. After a couple seconds, his eyes flashed open again and he darted off in the direction of the area where we'd first found the herd. Not even a full minute later, Jasper stopped and pointed up at an overhead tree branch. Somehow, my other shoe was dangling from the narrow tip of the branch.
"How did I manage that?" I laughed. Jasper practically doubled over laughing, seeing that I wouldn't take offense.
"No idea," he gasped between rounds of incredulous laughter. I growled in mock indignation and leapt up to snatch the dangling shoe from its branch. I slipped both of my shoes back on, noting that I didn't really need them. The rocky ground felt like velvet to my bare feet. It didn't bother me in the least—it felt liberating. Jasper seemed to sense that feeling in me. His laughter subsided and he smiled knowingly at me. His eyes flickered over the rest of my frame.
"Maybe we should cover you up a little more," he said. I winced.
"That bad?" I asked. In one fluid motion, Jasper pulled off the long-sleeved white shirt he wore over a brown t-shirt. He tossed the outer layer to me and I pulled it on quickly, grateful that I could no longer blush. I would be red as a traffic light, if that were possible. I couldn't resist the urge to breathe in his scent. I loved his scent, and mixed with mine... wow. When I looked back up at Jasper, he was rubbing his bare arms as he watched me. I smiled at him and traced the solitary scar on my hand. Jasper smiled faintly back at me.
"Six of mine," he sighed as he watched the line I traced on my own hand. I scowled indignantly at him. I still didn't agree with the result of that debate.
"Carlisle," I murmured, changing the subject. Jasper nodded.
"Alice is probably back by now," he said. "Perhaps she'll have some idea of how that letter came to be. Do you remember how to get back?" Jasper prompted me. I took a moment to think and to find the oldest trail of our combined scents. I nodded once before I started running. We were home five minutes later. Everyone was waiting for us just inside, including Alice.
"Great job, Bella," Alice spoke first. "You did really well for your first hunt." Clearly she'd had a vision. I nodded and smiled half-heartedly at her, waiting for talk about Edward's letter to start. Alice seemed hesitant to make the first move into that subject. Esme ended up speaking first.
"Are you okay?" She asked me, always looking out for her children. "Finding that letter must have been hard for you…"
"I'm doing better now," I tried to reassure her. "Thank you. Jasper and I still haven't been able to make sense of it. Do any of you have an idea of how Edward might have…?" Again, I struggled to speak. It was hard to believe I was actually talking about this, about Edward writing a letter to me when he was…dead. Jasper laid a hand on my shoulder and forced peace and contentment into me. I shook him off.
"Not now, Jasper," I said softly. "Thank you, but I need to feel what I feel right now. This is already too confusing. I need to control my own emotions for a while." Jasper simply nodded his understanding before turning to Alice.
"Did you see this happening?" He asked her. "Did you see him doing anything like this before the newborns came?" Alice shook her head, her brow furrowed in frustration. She stared at Jasper for a moment, then she looked back at me.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," she said. "There's nothing I can tell you. Not yet, at least."
"It's okay," I said. "I didn't really expect you to know anything…" Alice looked at me apologetically before her eyes glazed over. We all waited for her to come out of her vision. Her expression turned to one of interest and excitement as we waited.
"Bella wants to talk about whether or not she has a special talent, Carlisle," Alice said as soon as her eyes refocused. "She came up with some interesting theories while she and Jasper were hunting, but Jasper can fill you in. Bella's mine now." I instantly remembered Jasper's promise to protect me from the little pixie, and I came close to taking him up on it even before she continued. "Just look at how she's dressed! There's even a tear in that shirt Jasper gave her to cover up with! The way she hunts, it's a good thing I just bought her more clothes—even the load I bought today isn't going to be enough!"
Oh no. Alice wanted to play Bella-Barbie. I quickly weighed my options: I could run away. For once, she wouldn't be able to catch me. I could try to fight her off. Not the best idea. Even Jasper couldn't beat her with her visions helping her, and he was likely to defend her if the newborn freak attacked her. I could take Jasper up on his offer to protect me from her, possibly getting help from Emmett too. Wasn't he always up for little games like this? My train of thought was cut off by the evil pixie's giggles.
"You do realize I just saw all those decisions you were trying to make, don't you?" She asked. Oops. "Yes, technically you can run faster than me, but I can see wherever you choose to go. You're right, Jasper would help me if you tried to fight me off, and there's no way you'll win against both of us. As for what Jasper promised you… He'll stand down when I remind him that his torn shirt gives me an excuse to take him shopping too." Alice looked at Jasper as she practically sang that little threat and he promptly took a step back from me. I glared at his retreating form.
"Sorry, Bella," he half-laughed.
"Coward," I grumbled. Jasper growled and Emmett laughed.
"Take that back," Jasper growled at me.
"Not a chance," I hissed back, shifting my weight slightly so I was prepared if he pounced.
"Isn't twice enough for you two?" Alice whined, bouncing up and down impatiently.
"Twice?" Emmett prodded, instantly intrigued. "Bella's already tried fighting him twice?"
"All in fun," Alice said when Carlisle and Esme suddenly looked worried, "but yes."
"Aw, where's you brotherhood, Jasper?" Emmett groaned. "Share some of the fun. Let me have a go." That one caught me off guard. I instantly straightened up out of my crouch and looked over at Emmett. One look was enough to tell me he was completely serious. He really wanted to try fighting me. I looked back at Alice and she had a wide, smug grin spread across her face. Grumbling about cheating pixies, I followed her obediently when she turned and pranced up the stairs to her room. Of course she'd seen that coming.
I managed to keep my complaints down to a total of four while Alice made me try on nine different outfits. I thought that ratio was acceptable. Once she was done throwing clothes at me, she dragged me into her bathroom to fix my hair. As windblown and tangled as it had been from hunting, trying on all the clothes had made an even bigger mess of it, and Alice wasn't having that. Mercifully, she only insisted on brushing all the knots out. She didn't even make me pin back the front pieces in a barrette again. When I smiled gratefully at her, she winked at me and danced off to find Rosalie, saying something about nude lingerie and stilettos as she disappeared.
Unsure of what else to do, I made my way up to Edward's room… my room. For the first time since my change a week before, I wondered just what I was supposed to do with all the extra time I had. I didn't need sleep, I didn't need to eat often, I didn't need to use the bathroom, and unless I was torn to pieces and burned I would live forever. I couldn't even go kill time at school, because I was supposed to be dead. Carlisle and Esme had even pulled Alice out of Forks High, claiming they would home school her, allowing her to grieve for me and Edward in peace… Wait. How did I know that? Apparently, I did subconsciously retain bits and pieces of what was being said around me during my week of silence.
The second I reached the door to my room, I stopped in my tracks. There was a piece of paper lying on the bed. As soon as I recovered from my brief fit of paralysis, I rushed over to the bed and grabbed the letter. It was incredible that my hands weren't shaking as I held the letter and read it.
To my Bella,
I apologize for all the pain and confusion my first letter caused. Let me explain: I need you to move on, love. I don't want you suffering forever. Not over me. Even when life can go on forever, it is still precious. I didn't believe that before I met you, but now I know it to be true. And your life, my Bella, is the most precious of all. That life must not be spent in sadness and fear.
This letter and the one before it are the first two in a series of letters you will receive from me. I'm not going to tell you how or when you will receive the others. They will come to you as they are needed. Just do this one thing for me, Bella: Do what I ask of you, and trust that it will all be for the better in the end. I want you to heal, Bella, and I'm here to help you with that. Yes, my love, I am still with you.
Now that you've hunted, I can give you your first tasks: First, do you remember the little favor I asked you to do for me once you changed? Something to do with Emmett? Trust me. You can beat him. Secondly, do you remember the day you asked me to eat human food? Time for payback, love. Find some food in the kitchen to try. No, you aren't going to like it, but it really is something every vampire needs to try once.
Be well, my Bella. I will write to you again soon. By the way, while I encourage you to share this letter with the rest of our family, as you did the first one, you might wish to keep some of my future letters to yourself. I may mention some personal things you do not want shared with the others. Whatever your decision, I'm sure they will understand and respect your wishes.
Forever yours,
Edward.
P.S. I love you.
As if I was being pulled by some invisible force, I turned and began walking down to the living room, where I could hear everyone else talking. All conversation ceased when I appeared at the top of the stairs. Six pairs of golden eyes flickered up to my face. Then, in almost perfect synchronicity, they all locked onto the piece of paper in my hand. Everyone moved very fast then.
I ended up at the bottom of the stairs, in Rosalie's arms, with Esme stroking my hair fretfully. Jasper was standing close by too. I could feel the waves of calm he was projecting through the room. Carlisle was holding Edward's letter, and he quickly read it aloud to the room while Alice stood beside him with her eyes closed and her brow furrowed in concentration. Emmett just looked like he wanted to hit something, until Carlisle finished reading the letter. There was a brief, ringing silence, then Emmett doubled over with laughter. I'm pretty sure everyone else in the room was glaring at him, including Rosalie, but he didn't seem too bothered by that.
"He wants you to eat human food?!" Emmett laughed, "And, what? Fight me? And he thinks you'll win?" Emmett was almost shaking with mirth. That did it.
"Not quite," I hissed as menacingly as I could manage. Emmett abruptly stopped laughing and looked at me in surprise, as did everyone else. "He wanted me to arm-wrestle you. As for the human food…" The idea came out of nowhere, but I absolutely loved it. I shrugged off Rosalie and Esme and darted into the kitchen, quickly grabbing a bag of chips and two cans of soda before returning to the living room. I placed the food and drinks on the coffee table and smiled up at Emmett. "I could just try one chip and a sip of soda for Edward, but… How about a little bet, Emmett?" Alice burst into a fit of giggles before Emmett could even respond. I grinned at her while Emmett glared at both of us.
"Just state your terms, little sis," Emmett challenged me, ignoring Alice. Not wise.
"Arm-wrestling," I repeated. "You and me. If you win, I have to down half the bag of chips and one entire can of soda. If I win, I still have to try one chip and a sip of soda, but you have to finish everything else on that table, the entire bag of chips and both cans of soda." Emmett's cocky grin disappeared and he eyed the food on the coffee table warily. Alice was trying to contain her giggles, but one quick look at Jasper told me it was quite a struggle. Alice's mood was obviously affecting him greatly. His lips were pressed together in a tight line, as he struggled to not laugh himself. I was just happy to see him happy.
"Deal," Emmett spoke again, reclaiming my attention. That arrogant grin was back in place. Was I really so confident? I glanced at Emmett's thick arms and he flexed, noticing my hesitation.
"You're not gonna back out of your own bet are you?" He asked tauntingly. I thought of Edward and my confidence quickly returned.
"Just thinking of taking pity on you," I said, glaring at up at Emmett, "that's all. So, where do we do this?"
"Right this way, Tinkerbella," Emmett said, and he darted outside. Tinkerbella? Oh, he was going to get it. I shot after him. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle, and Esme all followed close behind. Alice and Jasper were both snickering in anticipation. When Emmett stopped beside a huge boulder outside with a relatively flat top, I turned around to look at them. Alice nodded in encouragement and Jasper winked at me.
"Newborn strength," he murmured almost inaudibly. Emmett wouldn't be able to hear him. "This isn't the same as real fighting. He doesn't stand a chance." I grinned at Jasper's reassurance and he and Alice positively beamed back, clearly glad to see me genuinely happy about something. Carlisle and Esme both wore similar expressions. Rosalie was looking at Emmett, shaking her head in disbelief. She seemed to believe Emmett was doomed too. I skipped across the few yards between me and Emmett, completely free of doubt.
Emmett placed his elbow on the massive boulder and opened his hand for me. I grabbed his big hand without a millisecond of hesitation and started counting it off, "One, two…"
"Three," Emmett grunted and he pushed against my hand.
Nothing. Sure, I could feel the force he was exerting against me. He could probably throw Tyler Crowley's old van over his head with equal or less strength, but my hand didn't budge. I just stood there for a moment, enjoying watching him struggle. After a couple seconds, he leaned his entire body into his arm, trying to move mine. Nothing at all. Finally, I flexed and Emmett lost an inch. A feral growl ripped from his chest and I heard his teeth grinding together as he pushed against my hand with all his might. Not enough. After a few seconds, I started to get bored and I slammed his hand down onto the boulder, breaking a huge chunk off the boulder that Emmett kicked into a tree.
Rosalie was still shaking her head. Alice and Jasper were laughing freely. Even Carlisle and Esme had their lips pressed tightly shut. Rosalie turned and ran inside the house, reappearing less than a less than three seconds later with the bag of chips and the two cans of soda. Emmett looked at her like she had sprouted fangs—bad joke, but still true. Rosalie smiled at him and shook her head once more.
"A deal's a deal," she sighed. "You really stuck your head in it this time. Did everything Jasper taught us really go in one ear and out the other that quickly? Skill beats strength when fighting newborns, but take away the need for skill… Really, Emmett, the wolves probably learned more from all that than you did. Here you go, Bella," Rosalie said and she opened the bag of chips and handed one to me. I cringed at the smell alone, but I felt so much better knowing that whatever I was about to experience, Emmett had it much worse.
I tossed the chip in my mouth and chewed quickly, barely resisting the urge to spit out the foul-tasting human snack, and I swallowed within the same second. "Bah!" I gagged. "Edward told me it was like a human eating dirt!" I grumbled. "I did eat dirt once when I was human. This is worse!" Rosalie laughed and handed me one of the cans of soda. I grudgingly opened it, careful to check my strength and not crush the can, not that part of me didn't want to, but that would've deprived Emmett of the treat. I took one quick sip of the soda and made myself swallow. It tasted like bleach fumes and tin. Still, I couldn't help but smile when Rosalie, Alice, and Jasper applauded my discipline. My smile grew wider when I looked back at Emmet. He wasn't smiling.
"Bottoms up, big brother," I said, handing him the soda can. I quickly pulled my hand back as soon as he took the can, just in case he decided to take a vengeful snap at me. He growled at me once more before he went to work. I went to join Alice and Jasper, and the three of us howled in unrestrained laughter as Emmett chugged both cans of soda and ate all the chips, all with a priceless look of disgust on his face. As soon as he was done, he advanced on me.
"Rematch. Tomorrow." He growled when he was a foot away.
"Emmett!" Rosalie groaned. "Are you really that dense? It's not going to wear off that fast—it'll be months before her newborn strength tapers off!" Jasper nodded in agreement when Emmett looked at him.
"A real fight, then," Emmett grumbled after a moment of thought. If it were possible, I would have blanched.
"No way!" I protested. "I did listen to Jasper, even when I was human and half-asleep. I'm not agreeing to a fight when I know it will be a massacre."
"What about all your newborn strength, Tinkerbella?" Emmett taunted. "I'll only beat you worse when it's gone."
"Lay off, Emmett," Jasper suddenly growled. I looked up at him and blinked. The way he was glaring at Emmett… He really looked like a vampire. "Bella doesn't handle fighting well. She and I went a couple rounds—she even initiated it the first time, but something goes wrong and she shuts down. Don't push her." Jasper's tone was truly menacing as he spoke those last words; I almost cringed away from him myself. He laid a protective hand on my shoulder and Alice came up to my other side, grabbing my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. Emmett deflated.
"I'm sorry, Bella," he said in a tone that was almost pleading. It sounded strange, coming from him. "I didn't know. Forgive me, little sis?"
"Of course," I said. "I know you would never really hurt me." Emmett smiled warmly at me before looking back up at Jasper.
"Won't happen again," Emmett said. Jasper nodded and relaxed. There was a brief silence, and then Emmett chuckled.
"Well, crap," he said, smiling at me. "The first time you're really happy in a week and I'm the one to ruin it." I forced a laugh, trying to ignore the bit of tension I couldn't shake. Jasper sent out a wave of calm and everyone laughed easily. Soaking in the love I felt around me, I let my thoughts drift to Edward.
Edward really was going to help me—he'd already given me this wonderful moment of contentment, giving our family a chance to bond and adjust. I still didn't understand how he was writing to me. That still disturbed me a little, and yet… I couldn't wait for the next letter to come.