Chapter 5: Humans
"Drop Your Guard" by Jasmine Thompson
My Beautiful Bella,
I hope you are beginning to feel a little more comfortable in your new life by now. Your eyes should be gold soon. I must warn you: The gold in your eyes will never outshine that of your heart.
About the deal you made with Jasper to work on your thirst together: You should be ready to reenter the human world now. Obviously, you can't be seen by humans in Forks. Try taking a trip to Seattle. Take Jasper and Alice with you, but keep your company to a minimum. The point of this exercise is to prove that you don't need our entire family there to hold you back. You don't need such restraint. You were always so strong, my Bella, and you still are. You will be fine.
After your first outing with Alice and Jasper, I want you to take another trip with Rosalie. Yes, Rosalie. Recent events may have brought the two of you closer, but you two can still do better. Take her to Port Angeles. You will know what to do from there.
You must make both of these trips soon. Again, I assure you, you will be okay. Trust in that. Trust yourself. From the moment you met me, you trusted me, but I took so long to trust myself with you. Don't make my mistakes, Bella. You were never afraid of me. Don't be afraid of yourself.
Forever yours,
Edward.
P.S. I love you.
A week after my first hunt, Edward's third letter came. Finding it lying on my bed, just as I'd found the last one, was such a relief. The first two letters had come within twenty-four hours of each other, after all. This one had been much longer in coming.
Edward was right, of course. My eyes were light amber; they would be gold in another two weeks, according to Carlisle's new estimate. Not consuming any blood at all for my first week had jump-started the color change, and I was still progressing faster than normal.
Was I really ready to be so close to humans? I had to trust that I was. It was what Edward wanted. I just had to convey his wishes to the others. There was nothing especially personal about this letter, so I could just pass it along.
"Jasper? Alice? Rosalie?" I called as I walked toward Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom. Rosalie was inside. She opened the door when I called, and she looked at me quizzically. Again, Edward was right. Rosalie and I were on much better terms than we were when I was human, but our relationship was still lacking. Rosalie was always walking on eggshells around me, trying to make up for how she treated me before. I didn't really know how to interact with her. We knew so little about each other due to our previous distance, and it left our relationship a little shallow and strained.
"What is it?" Rosalie asked me, but her eyes fell on the letter in my hand as she spoke. "Oh." She said, and she bit her full lower lip lightly.
"Another letter from Edward?" Alice asked as she and Jasper came up behind me. "If you're sharing it, why did you only call us?"
"You, Jasper, and Rosalie are mentioned," I answered Alice and handed her the letter. Jasper read it over her shoulder and Alice handed the letter to Rosalie when they were done.
"Do you think you're ready?" Jasper asked me as Rosalie read the letter, his tone grave. "You've only hunted three times since your change, and you've only smelled a human once. It's true, you resisted the temptation of the scent remarkably well, but seeing humans up close takes an entirely different kind of restraint. Even if you hold your breath, you can see the blood in their veins and you can hear their heart pumping their blood through them. If their heart rate increases for whatever reason, or if they blush, it's even more difficult. Honestly, Bella, you and your blushes were torturous at times. If you believe you're ready, we'll go, but…" Jasper let his voice trail off implicitly, sparing me any more vivid descriptions but letting my imagination do its own work.
"I think I'll be okay," I answered feebly. I was already nervous, and Jasper's words made me even more wary. I couldn't stay in my little cocoon forever. Knowing that strengthened my resolve and I nodded. "Edward's right. I need to go. I'll be fine."
"Yes, you will," Alice said with confidence.
"Vision?" I asked her. She nodded and smiled encouragingly at me. "We can go now, if you want?"
"Okay," I agreed. "What are we going to do in Seattle?" Edward only gave a location, not an activity. Considering I was going with Alice…
"Shopping," Alice chirped. Jasper and I both groaned. "None of that," Alice said to both of us. "Edward's orders."
"He did not mention shopping," Jasper argued.
"He mentioned me and Seattle," Alice retorted exasperatedly. Jasper raised his eyebrows at me as if to say 'good point'. I had to agree.
"Fine, Alice." I said, "Shopping, but…"
"What?" Alice asked sharply, daring me to try my own argument on her.
"What am I going to wear?" I asked her. "I can't go shopping in this, can I?" I was wearing nice black jeans and a pretty, crushed blue velvet top, but I knew I'd feel better rejecting outfits later if I let Alice have her fun before we left. Alice beamed at me and darted off to search out more appropriate attire. Jasper chuckled softly.
"If she tries to force you into stilettos and a miniskirt, remember you asked for it," he said with a smirk. I smiled back and he looked down at his own attire. He was wearing milky white button-down and faded jeans. "Do you think she'll let me out of the house like this?" He asked both me and Rosalie.
"Haven't you worn those jeans four times by now?" Rosalie asked him. Uh-oh.
"The jeans have to go," I said. Even I knew Alice's 'three wears and it's out' rule. "You haven't worn those charcoal corduroys she bought for you a week ago, have you?"
"No, not yet," Jasper said. "Good idea." Jasper started to leave so he could change clothes, but he stopped at the top of the stairs and looked back at me with a warm smile.
"Edward's right about your heart," he said. "This will be good for you and me, and Alice hasn't been this excited in a while. You're making her so happy." Jasper was gone before I could make any kind of reply, not that I knew what to say to that.
"Bella?" I turned back around to face Rosalie when she spoke. "If you're going with Alice and Jasper tonight, when are you and I going to…?" Rosalie seemed to be struggling with the concept of the two of us going out alone. The idea was very strange to me too, but I had to trust Edward.
"Maybe we could go tomorrow," I said. "Um… I'm guessing I'll probably need to hunt after tonight…"
"Probably," Rosalie agreed. "Even if control isn't an issue, being around humans makes all of us thirsty faster than when we stay isolated. Might as well make it a good hunt too, if you and I are going out." I nodded.
"We'll go to Port Angeles at about this same time tomorrow?"
"Sure," Rosalie agreed. Mercifully, Alice chose that moment to reappear and drag me off to her room. Letting Alice treat me like a semi-living doll was a little uncomfortable, but trying to carry on a conversation with Rosalie was worse.
A couple minutes later, Alice had me in a white blouse with a delicate floral print, a knee-length khaki skirt, and brown boots with a surprisingly short heel. I had been prepared for sequins and stilettos. This outfit shocked me. Alice surprised me even further by leaving my hair alone. She just brushed it out and let it hang loose.
"Um… Alice…?" I found myself speaking to her very softly, slowly—if something was wrong with her, I didn't want to startle her. She darted off without a word. She ran into her closet room, and that was one place I dared not follow her. I just waited for her to come back out. She reemerged a minute later, wearing a red halter top, black jeans, and striped red pumps. She smiled at me and I blinked at her, confused. Her grin widened and she shrugged her narrow shoulders.
"I just wanted to try a new look on you," she explained. "A country look like this looks pretty on you. Jasper's going to love it. The yellow floral print tones down the amber color of your eyes too. See for yourself." Alice grabbed my hand and pulled me over to her full-length mirror, pointing eagerly at my reflection.
The flowers definitely did bring out the gold in my eyes. That was a relief. I'd been worried that my amber eyes were still a little too conspicuous for humans to see. The outfit made me think of rolling pastures, horses, walking through fields of wildflowers and listening to summer cicadas… It was humbly pretty, feminine but practical.
"Jasper's waiting in the garage," Alice announced, breaking me out of my brief reverie. "We're taking the Porsche." I nodded mutely and followed Alice out of the room, feeling what I could only describe as the vampire equivalent of butterflies in my stomach. Jasper noticed right away.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked me when Alice and I entered the garage. "If you don't feel ready, we don't have to go."
I honestly didn't know why I was so nervous. I really did believe I could control myself, but…
"Bella, Bella, stop," Jasper threw a wave of calm at me as he spoke. "What's wrong? You just went from anxious to grieving in less than a second." Jasper stepped closer to me and laid a hand on my shoulder. When his influence on me increased, I noticed Alice was holding my hand and shaking me lightly. With Jasper's help, I fought to get a hold of myself.
"I'm sorry, Jasper," I apologized immediately. "I… I only just realized what's wrong, myself. I'm sorry."
"It's Edward, isn't it?" Alice asked me. I almost laughed. There was no way she could have seen that, but she was still so perceptive. I nodded.
"I always thought he would be here for this," I told Alice and Jasper. "He was so determined to protect me from becoming a monster, to help me… I wish he was here. I want him here. Of all the things I've done since my change, this is so much more important. I'm rejoining the human world tonight, and I'm doing it without him. It just feels wrong."
"There is nothing wrong with moving on, Bella," Alice reassured me vehemently. "It's what Edward wants you to do. Jasper and I will be with you. You are ready for this, and we'll help you through it. You still have us." I nodded and checked my strength before hugging Alice. Jasper hugged me lightly as soon as I released her.
"I'll always be here for you, Bella," he said soothingly. When I couldn't bring myself to respond, Jasper helped me into the Alice's Porsche. Alice slid into the back seat with me and Jasper started to drive. It was when he pulled out of the garage that I noticed the slivery glow in the sky… It was twilight.
"The safest time for us," I murmured to myself. "The easiest time." Alice scooted closer to me and rested her head lightly on my shoulder. Twilight or not, this was going to be difficult.
It only took us about forty minutes to drive to Seattle. The thought of a vampire driving me anywhere used to make me nervous, because they drove so ridiculously fast, but that kind of speed seemed perfectly natural now. I wasn't bothered one bit by Jasper's driving. In fact, it made me curious to try driving myself.
"You can drive back," Jasper said, sensing my interest. He grinned at me as we got out of the car. Alice seemed to be struggling not to laugh. I was about to growl at them, but I stifled the sound when I heard other voices… Humans.
"Oh, come on," one man groaned. "Awesome ride and two hot chicks?!"
"Lucky bastard," his friend grumbled.
I wasn't supposed to be able to hear either of them. The two men were forty yards away and talking relatively quietly as they approached. Even from this distance, I could not only hear them, but I could see them quite clearly. One of them was about Jasper's height, but very thin and gangly. He had short chestnut hair and brown eyes. His friend was about five inches shorter with an average build. He had wavy auburn hair and green eyes. Then there was the scent…
My throat burned and ached with thirst at the smell wafting off them, but I didn't hold my breath. The tall man smelled like… Cotton? No. Silk, and some type of chocolate? The man with auburn hair was easier—rum and custard, or something else milky-sweet.
"Are you okay, Bella?" Jasper murmured to me, barely moving his lips. I nodded.
"Can you tell what they smell like?" Alice whispered, "Specifically?"
"At first, I got cotton from the lanky one," I quickly whispered my reply, "but then I decided it was more like silk and chocolate. The shorter one smells like rum to me, and something sweet and milky… Is that custard?" Alice didn't answer me right away.
"Jasper?" She prompted, instead. "What about you?"
"I wasn't picking up anything quite so specific," Jasper murmured in a somewhat dejected tone. "The taller one definitely smells like some sort of fabric, and I noticed the rum smell of the other one… none of the rest."
"That's still good for you, Jasper," Alice whispered affectionately. "Nice try. Bella, you came very close. The thin man smells like velvet and hot cocoa, and his friend smells like rum and coconut. How's your thirst?"
"It's hurting, but I'm okay," I whispered back. Alice beamed at me and Jasper smiled faintly. Our entire conversation only took fifteen seconds. The men were still about ten yards away. I could hear their heartbeats. Eight yards. I could hear the blood flowing in their veins, and I could see the tempting red in their cheeks. Six yards. I could hear their individual breathing and I could clearly see their more prominent veins in their hands and at their pulse points. Jasper moved a little closer to me and casually positioned himself between me and the approaching men. Four yards.
"Hey, man, nice ride!" The thin human called out to Jasper. "That baby's gotta corner like it's on rails!"
"You have no idea," Jasper laughed amicably. Oh no. Interaction? How was I supposed to act? Would my interpretation of 'normal' seem off to these humans? I quickly scanned through my human memories and found one memory in particular: The day I figured out the Cullens weren't human—they moved too fast and too gracefully, they were impossibly strong, they never ate, they spoke like they were from a different time, their eyes changed color, and their skin was ice cold and hard as stone.
"Don't make any abrupt movements," Alice whispered in my ear while Jasper continued his conversation with the humans. "Don't speak too fast either, unless it's fast enough that they won't notice it at all. If you move, walk slowly and let your feet shuffle a little. Try to avoid touching them at all if you can. You seem to be okay with breathing, so just keep it up. Don't stand still too long, and make sure you blink every once in a while. Humans fidget a lot, so touch your hair or fiddle with your jewelry, things like that…" Alice kept her face turned to me and she closed her eyes for two seconds. When her eyes reopened, she smiled at me. "You'll be fine. You're doing great!"
When Alice and I turned back to the humans, the thin man was still admiring the Porsche. Jasper was still keeping him busy, but the green-eyed man was looking at us. He smiled at me when our eyes met and he walked a little closer.
"So, what brings you three out here tonight?" He asked me. Alice answered that one.
"Just came down to do a little shopping," she said brightly. "What about you…?"
"Jeffery," the man introduced himself at the prompt. "We're locals, actually. Dean and I are roommates. We're renting a loft a few blocks from here. Where are you coming from?"
"Bellingham," Alice lied smoothly.
"Oh, up near the border?" Jeffery sounded surprised. "I wouldn't've pegged you guys for small-towners."
"Well, don't let the car fool you," I decided to attempt a joke. It came out fairly well, I thought. My bell-like voice was unmaskable, but I sounded casual enough. Jeffery laughed a little and Alice smiled at me in encouragement. I shot a quick glance at Jasper and he nodded once in approval.
"No, it's not just the car," Jeffery said. His voice sounded a little shaky. I looked at him, surprised. I could tell by Jeffery's fluttering heart rate and slightly flushed cheeks that he was nervous. It made me think of how boys always reacted to Rosalie and Alice. It was strange to think that I could provoke the same reaction. I wasn't used to being so beautiful to others. I felt a gentle wave of calm wash around us as Jasper tried to subtly soothe the man—both men, I realized. The thin one, Dean, was no longer looking at the car. His eyes were on Alice.
"I-I mean, don't take this the wrong way," Jeffery spluttered, "but you're so—well, we thought—" I already knew what he was trying to say.
"Oh, this?" I asked casually, gesturing to my appearance. "We had a salon day. We just got back from a camping trip, and we wanted to freshen up." Jeffery's jaw dropped, but he seemed to believe me. Lying was much easier as a vampire. I didn't have to worry about blushing or stuttering and giving myself away.
"Camping?" Dean recovered before Jeffery. "All three of you? Together?"
"Shit, I'm slow…" Jeffery murmured, shaking his head as he fought to regain mental clarity. The movement threw his scent all around us and the burn in my throat flared. "You did say you all lived in Bellingham. You're all related?" He was looking at me, but I couldn't answer. I was holding my breath. Alice and Jasper caught on immediately.
"Yes, and we're supposed to be home in a few hours," Jasper answered. He walked over to me a little too quickly and grabbed my hand, gripping it tightly. "We really should be going if we're going to have much time to shop," he said to Alice, then he turned back to Jeffery and Dean. "Sorry to run off so quickly," he apologized. "We don't get the chance to come down here very often. It was nice talking to you, but I'm afraid we must be going."
"Oh? Yeah… Sure. Uh, sorry to hold you up. Have a good one." Jeffery and Dean both blurted out several responses. I knew without looking back up at them that Jasper had probably just dazzled them. I would have to learn how to do that soon. Jasper started walking down the street, away from the two men. He tugged me along with him, not releasing my hand. Alice followed behind us, putting one more obstacle between the thirsty newborn and the unsuspecting humans.
"Breathe, Bella," Jasper ordered after a minute of struggling to walk at human pace. "The air is clean here. Their scent is behind us." I inhaled obediently, gratefully taking in the fresh air. The burn in my throat subsided slightly and I stopped walking. Jasper allowed the pause and stopped too, though he didn't release my hand.
"I wasn't going to hurt them," I whispered. "I really wasn't."
"No, you weren't," Alice agreed. "I saw it. You were in control, but it was still better to play it safe. You did incredibly well. Many vampires find it impossible to get that close to humans at all without feeding—you're still a newborn and you were interacting with them, Bella. You did beautifully. Don't let the fact that you were tempted make you feel guilty."
"It's natural," Jasper said, squeezing my hand comfortingly. "It's the resisting that's unnatural, but that's our chosen lifestyle. Don't be ashamed of your natural reactions. They can't be helped. At best, they can only be ignored."
"Thanks, Jasper, Alice," I said. "Are we still supposed to go shopping?" I asked Alice. "Or was that back there enough? I mean… What did Edward really want me to do?"
"I'm sure the main point was to test your control around humans," Alice answered. "Going shopping for a while would test your limits a little more—more humans, more scents—but it's really your choice. If you would rather leave, we can just go hunting now." Jasper nodded in agreement.
"I'm supposed to go to Port Angeles tomorrow, with Rosalie," I thought aloud. "Do you think I have enough control for that?" Though Alice was the one who could see the future, I looked up at Jasper. For a brief moment, he looked at me appraisingly, but then a warm smile spread across his face.
"Yes, I think so," he said. I was a little surprised by his answer. He frowned again when he felt my reaction.
"I hate that you still believe I'm judging you that way," he sighed. "It's my own fault, of course. Even when you were still human, I made that petty bet with Emmett about how much you would struggle as a newborn. We both called off that bet, by the way, but there should not have been such a bet to begin with. I'm sorry, Bella. I do believe you can control yourself. I do believe it's safe for you to be around humans now. I believe it with all my heart."
"Thanks, Jasper," I responded, "but there's really nothing to apologize for. I wasn't offended by your… assumptions. You were drawing from a lot of experience with newborns. I mean, that fight could have gone a lot worse without all your help. If anyone else in our family had been hurt, or if any of the wolves had been killed…" Jasper reflexively threw a wave of calm at me. A look at Alice told me she was trying to see something specific—her eyes were unfocused and she had a look of frustration on her face. I turned back to Jasper. I started to speak again, but he held a finger up to my mouth, not quite touching my lips, but effectively stopping me.
"There's no need," he said. "I can feel what you're feeling—your respect, your gratitude… Thank you." I nodded once and Jasper dropped his hand, and I almost stumbled forward. Alice found what she was looking for.
"Yay! We're still going shopping!" She cheered and she bounced forward to hug me. "Thank you, Bella! This is going to be fun. Don't worry. Just relax and you'll do fine."
"Only a couple stores, Alice," I warned. "Then we're going hunting. I need it."
"I know, I know," Alice spoke impatiently, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "One of my favorite boutiques is closing in an hour. Let's go!" Alice looked up and down the street to make sure it was clear of humans before darting off at vampire speed. Jasper and I both laughed.
"That vision was abrupt," Jasper commented lowly to me. "What was it that made your decision?"
"Thinking about who else I could have lost," I answered simply. "You know that saying, 'you don't know what you have until you lose it'?" Jasper nodded. "It's not true."
"No, it's not." Jasper agreed, then he took my hand and pulled me forward, and we started running after Alice.