Chapter 9: The Messenger

"Off I Go" by Greg Laswell

Jasper and I kept our stolen moment to ourselves. It was surprisingly easy to act like nothing had changed, and not just for me. I could tell. Jasper was completely at ease around me, sitting next to me when we all watched a new movie, casually throwing his arm around me while Emmett sat next to us, Rose's head in his lap, her feet in mine. Jasper ticked her feet until she huffed and changed her position, sitting on Emmett's lap instead. I went hunting and Jasper came along even though he'd clearly fed. Nothing was said about Alice, or Maria, or the kiss. We had a great time hunting, running, and sparring. Jasper literally radiated ease and comfort, and I gave it back. That's how it was between us, how it always had been. We were one-hundred percent ourselves, no expectations. It was such a relief, especially when I got a call from Alice.

Alice wanted me to meet her at a movie theater in Vancouver, alone. She insisted she couldn't come home yet, nor could she talk to anyone else just yet. Why she wanted to meet in a movie theater? Yeah, she didn't explain that either. When I drove up to meet her, I didn't even find her outside. She'd left my ticket at the counter. The theater was hosting a special showing of Wizard of Oz. Why, Alice? Why?

Alice waved me over when she saw me and I took my seat next to her. The showtime she'd chosen was sold out. It was the first time I'd been in such close quarters with so many humans. Alice was clearly unconcerned, so I was confident. I focused on the warm and savory but distinctly inedible butter scent saturating the air.

"Dorothy goes through all this to see clearly what's been with her all along," Alice murmured softly near the end of the movie. "There's no place like home. Now, what if home is a specific person? They aren't who you imagined you'd be with in the end, but under the right circumstances, you see them in a new light."

"You saw. You know I kissed Jasper. Alice, I'm so—"

"Stop. Yes, I saw, but I saw it months ago."

"What!?"

"Shh!" I'd raised my voice enough for the humans around us to hear me.

"I saw it a while ago," Alice continued, "and if you want to explore what may or may not be there, you obviously have my blessing, not that it's really mine to give at this point. I left to meet my own mate, and I didn't exactly spare anyone's feelings when I took off like that."

I gaped at Alice. So much to address. Where to begin... "What decision changed things?" I asked. "You started to invite me along, but then...?"

"It's always been difficult for me to see Maria. She's a total wild card. Jasper only kissed her for a second before he pushed her away, but he was still hurt, still struggling. If she tried to kiss him again, he would have stopped her, but you would have caught them in a much more compromising position. Jasper would have felt too ashamed to... well, to do all the things you two did that day. If those things couldn't happen, I really would have enjoyed bringing you along. Since I didn't bring you along, you'll have to wait a little longer to meet Lydia."

"Lydia?" I echoed. "Alice—no, never mind, I should've seen it sooner." Alice just smiled, looking away briefly. If she were human, she'd be blushing.

"I wasn't worried about acceptance," Alice said. "I knew everyone would be supportive, but I had my reasons for keeping this bit of information from Jasper. I've hurt him enough as it is. If he found out too soon that my true mate is female, he would have felt... used. Maria's his true mate and she used him during the wars. Peter and Char, friends of his from the wars, never really used him, but the three of them fight sometimes, doubting each other. Jasper knows deep down I would never use him, but finding out my true mate is female... it would have salted the wound. I'd like you to be with him when he finds out—you can tell him or I can call, but you should be there. You steady him."

The movie had ended. The credits were rolling and the humans were trickling out. I was out of questions, but Alice looked nervous. After a moment, she pulled a piece of paper out of her pocket. It was neatly folded, but I caught a glimpse of Edward's handwriting.

"You?" I whispered, choking on the word. My eyes stung as they tried and failed to well up with tears. "All this time? How? Alice... Why?"

"If it makes any difference, I hated this plan," Alice said, "but Edward insisted. Two weeks before the newborns came, I had a vision—you weren't going to make it, Bella. When Edward saw the vision, he panicked. We panicked. We tried changing our plans, one detail at a time, but the end result never changed. Finally, after days of trial and error, I had a vision—it still ended in your death, but Edward saw a way to change it. In the end, it was you or him."

I was frozen. Theater employees were coming in to clean, but their scents didn't even register. Alice pressed the letter into my hand. Vampire or not, I was surprised my hands didn't shake as I took it. "Did he really write these or was it you?" I asked. "There were things he couldn't have known...?"

"I did my best to tell him all I could see coming. In some of the early letters, he left a couple blanks for me to fill in before delivering them. It was... ninety percent him. This one is all him, I promise. Before you ask, yes, I told him everything I could see."

My Dearest Bella,

This is it. The newborns come tomorrow and Alice's visions are set. Only one of us can survive. Forgive me, Bella, I know it frustrates you when I make decisions like this without consulting you, but doing so would set us on a course that would bring about both of our ends, and I cannot accept that. You will live, my Bella. I've made my choice, and my choice will always and forever be you. I'm so sorry it has come to this, but I go with no regrets. We had such a short time together, but that time was filled with more love than some less fortunate will ever know. I would wait a hundred years for you again, but Bella, you cannot keep waiting for me.

You are stronger than you know. I knew you would need a little push at first, but you can face the road ahead and live happily. Stop looking for guidance. Whether you realize it or not, you know what you're doing now. You know what you want and what you need. Take it. Take what you need and run with it. I free you from a life wasted always looking back. Letting go is not forgetting. Loving another doesn't diminish love that came before. I love you with all that I am and I want nothing more than your happiness. Take it. I give you all that I have so you can take all that you desire. Live for me, my Bella. Forever.

Edward

P.S. I will always love you.

At some point while I read and reread the letter, Alice left. I could've tracked her, but I knew better.

I was alone.

I left the movie theater and I started running.

I payed little attention to where my feet carried me. I would move forward and move on, but first I just needed to move. I needed to outrun the grief that threatened to swallow me whole. I would not lose my voice. I would not shut down. For a little while, I would let myself run. I would run deep into the woods where no one could hear me scream at the top of my lungs. I would take down and drain a bear. I would beat a boulder into fine powder. Eventually, I would make my way back to my car. I would drive back to Forks, rolling down the windows so the wind could strip me of Alice's scent. I would drive right past the driveway to the Cullen house, only one destination in mind.

"Bella?" Jasper answered my call after one ring.

"Did Alice call you?"

"No?"

"Sorry," I said, trying to brighten my tone. "I just have a lot on my mind. Will you come to the meadow?"

"Of course. I'm on my way."

Jasper found me stretched out among the wilting wildflowers about twenty minutes later. I sat up and patted the ground next to me. He sat down without question.

"I didn't meet Alice's mate," I began, "but her name is Lydia."

"Lydia?" Jasper looked thoughtful for a moment, maybe a little wounded, but after a moment he smiled. "I can see it, I suppose." He laughed softly. "I certainly can't compete with that."

"You don't need to," I assured him. His eyes brightened.

"I don't?" He prodded. I pulled Edward's letter out of my pocket and handed it to him.

"Alice was delivering the letters. A couple weeks before the battle, Alice saw that I wouldn't survive. This, Edward's sacrifice, was the only way to save me. They both knew one of us had to die. They came up with the letters to help me through it. Go ahead, read it, please." I watched as Jasper's eyes roved over the page once, twice, then he brought the page to his nose.

"She was careful not to touch the other letters," he observed. "We would have noticed. I would have noticed immediately."

"We all should have guessed it was her doing," I said. "Everything was so intense and confusing for a while, we never really stopped to ask ourselves how the letters were being delivered. We were too distracted by the fact that Edward was writing to me from beyond." A fresh wave of grief rose up around me when I choked out Edward's name, but it didn't take me under. Jasper took my hand when he felt it, but he didn't use his gift to fight it, letting me collect myself without interference.

"I'm glad it wasn't you," he said when he felt me relax a little. "I still remember the moment Alice saw you with James—" his grip on my hand tightened—"I remember it like it was yesterday. We were all going out of our minds trying to change that vision, the thought of losing you too much to bear. Of course, it never occurred to us that you made the decision that changed everything, that you were going to slip away from us and give yourself up… You said they knew for two weeks?"

"That's when her visions of my death came, yes. It took them a few days to find the one way to prevent it. Edward knew he was going to die a little over a week before it happened, before... Oh... I just realized he knew before he proposed again, before I said yes." Jasper did help me fight off the wave of guilt that crashed over me. What if I had argued again? What if I had said no? What if I had pressured him into making love to me when he wasn't ready?

"Don't do this to yourself," Jasper began, but my mind was already rocketing off in another direction.

"Expectations," I murmured. "It's all about expectations," I said, meeting Jasper's gaze again. "When I spoke to Maria, I said I didn't know what you and I have to offer each other, but I think I see it now." Jasper smiled and nodded for me to continue. "As much as we loved our mates, we've both sacrificed parts of who we are in each of our relationships. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Maria expected you to be more aggressive than you really are, didn't she? She changed you during the wars, and she expected you to be aggressive, feral, threatening. Then you met Alice and she expected you to change your diet, wear nicer clothes, and play human with the rest of the Cullens. As much as I'm sure you loved them both, they both expected you to change who you were to some degree, didn't they?" Jasper's smile held through my whole speech, and he nodded once when I was done.

"And as much as you loved Edward, he often stifled you. You have a wild, passionate streak in you that rubbed him the wrong way, and being the generous and selfless person you are, you gave in and tried to meet his expectations." I nodded. I loved Edward with all of my mind, body, and soul, but it was true. Edward's expectations had caused me so much anxiety. It didn't really upset me, thinking of what I gave up, of how I changed for him. I didn't look back in anger, but I did wonder... Moving forward, were those compromises necessary?

"You said I was worth it," I said, smiling as those old memories rushed forward. "We barely knew each other, and you protected me, killed for me. You accepted me as I was, no questions asked. You saw the best in me when I couldn't see it myself." Jasper moved closer, taking both of my hands in his, turning them over and examining them idly.

"Nothing anyone said ever made you fear me," he said. "I never felt an ounce of fear, wariness, disgust, not even a shred of dislike. You accept everyone exactly as they are. You're the first person I've ever met who has done so with me—even Carlisle and Esme had their moments, but not you, not even when I was lunging for you at that disastrous birthday party. Before I moved, all was forgiven. You understood and you loved... you love like others breathe."

"I hadn't really thought about it until Maria mentioned it," I said, "but she was absolutely right about one thing: There is something between us. I can offer you a life without expectations. I'd really like to learn more about you, about who you really are." I shifted, moving up onto my knees in front of Jasper. Reaching out, I traced that prominent scar on his forehead with my finger. "You never have to hide from me."

"I can offer you a life without expectations " Jasper said, grasping my wandering hand in his and kissing my knuckles lightly, tenderly. "I look forward to getting to know you better now that you're free of those old expectations." In an instant, Jasper grabbed my shoulders and rolled, pinning me on my back while he hovered over me, his nose grazing my cheek as he leaned in close, his breath against my ear. "You never have to hold back with me." A chill ran down my spine and my body moved against his of its own accord. His lips just barely grazed the corner of my mouth as he pulled back slightly, but he didn't kiss me. He waited for me to move first. I stretched my neck up and pressed my lips to his, just for a moment. I wanted more, but not in that moment, not in the meadow.

"Deal," I said simply. Jasper laughed and rolled off me, laying on his back beside me. I curled into him, resting my head on his chest, and he wrapped his arms around me.

It felt like coming home.