Notes: This work contains spoilers for the Be Forever Yorozuya movie. Be sure to watch it before reading or proceed at your own risk.
When Silver Turned White
Chapter 4: FAIL-SAFE
Hijikata woke gasping for breath. A soft metallic noise echoed in the dark corners of the hotel room, strange and out of place, an echo from the depths of a bottomless ravine. Beads of sweat ran down his temples. He couldn't recall the nightmare. Awake in the dark, he touched his neck and felt a maddening pulse throb under his fingertips while a heavy weight pressed against the walls of his rib-cage.
Beside him Gintoki slept peacefully, legs tangled in the bed-sheets. The light of the neon sign outside gathered in his silver curls with the color of cherry blossoms, ethereal. Hijikata released the breath stuck in his throat and fell back on the mattress willing his heartbeat to slow. He closed his eyes, reached for sleep but sleep did not come. Only the dark, and that echo. Too distant to be real.
It wouldn't do.
Hijikata rose from the bed and groped the floor for his yukata, casting aside clothing items he knew well, Gintoki's pants, his boots, his shitty strawberry patterned underwear- wait, maybe those were Hijikata's, the ones with the cute mayo bottles - Hijikata shrugged and slid his arms through the sleeves of the yukata. He stopped at the door of the hotel room and put his ear against it. Someone had to be jingling their keys on the other side, someone drunk and exceptionally loud. Yet Hijikata heard nothing. He opened the door and checked the narrow hall. Nothing.
"What are you doing?" Gintoki's sleepy voice started him, "It's… four o'clock in the morning." he moaned, stretching across the bed to check the clock perched on Hijikata's bedside table.
"Nothing, I thought I heard something." Hijikata said closing the door.
"Get back to bed, you're gonna be a pain in the ass if you don't get any sleep."
"You're the pain in the ass." Hijikata grumbled.
"I heard that, asshole."
Hijikata grunted, got back in bed and nestled under the covers, cold feet searching for warmth. Gintoki's arms found him quickly and Hijikata felt a huff of disapproval against his shoulder.
"What's... all this?" Gintoki's question came with a yawn and a pair of roaming hands. They traveled down Hijikata's chest towards his waist, then lower.
"I was cold."
"Who told you to leave the bed, paranoid cop? Now I have to warm you up." Gintoki mumbled, pulling Hijikata close to his chest, "Does it still hurt?"
"No, I don't wanna talk about it." Hijikata answered flustered. The twinging pain returned at that moment as if to mock him. He had come so hard earlier he had pulled a muscle on his back. Only time would tell if he would ever live that one down. Gintoki's fingers crept under his yukata and brushed gently over the bruised spot, a touch as featherly as Hijikata's when he traced the scars on Gintoki's back while he slept.
"What did you hear?" Gintoki asked, "Were you being a creep? You know what people do in places like this, don't you?"
"Shut up, you fucking pervert. How can that be the first thing on your mind?"
"How can it not?" Gintoki wondered, hand skimming down Hijikata's navel, "When I have you this close and you're wearing my yukata again?"
Hijikata looked down, chin touching chest. The pink glow basking the room in neon light shone bright in the white folds of the yukata covering his torso. Hijikata blushed embarrassed, half enraged at his own carelessness and, though Gintoki snickered behind his back, Hijikata took a whiff of the yukata to assure himself.
"Smells good?"
"Did you even wash this?"
"I thought you liked me dirty."
Hijikata turned around, skin on fire, heart beating fast but this time for a different reason altogether. He straddled Gintoki, felt Gintoki's erection touch his naked thigh. Tendrils of pleasure unfurled from his groin until they stretched flat and tense across his body, hopelessly tight. Gintoki's yukata slipped down his shoulders as he flipped his head back. The fabric grazed his skin so tenderly a moan escaped his lips.
"You're a fucking tease." Gintoki groaned in reply, antagonized by his own clothing. He jerked his hips upward and Hijikata stumbled into him. Their lips met in a messy, needy kiss. Hijikata growled into it, feeling Gintoki's hands clench his rear, nails digging and scraping just enough to send his head spiraling. They knew what they liked, what got them close to the edge, and some days, when they were in perfect synch like today, not rushing to touch each other or too exhausted for release, Hijikata could feel himself on the cusp between life and death, body and mind enthralled, begging Gintoki to ply every ounce of pleasure inside him.
When they were done, spent, sticky and breathless, Gintoki whispered in his ear. A confession Hijikata already knew.
"Did you hear what I said, sir? Vice-Commander? Hijikata-san?"
Yamazaki's beckoning met silence. He was in the middle of giving his report about a gang scuffle by the Terminal's western gate when Hijikata's eyes lost their focus. He looked past Yamazaki's shoulders at the garden outside, mouth slightly open. His cigarette burned away in the large ashtray on his desk.
The disconnect had been sudden. One minute Hijikata had been signing papers, humming his assent while Yamazaki read him his report, then the next he had dropped his pen and gone quiet.
"Sir? Are you okay?"
The Vice-Commander was either deep in thought or thoroughly bored, both options which Yamazaki dreaded. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as the silence lingered. Perhaps this was a test. Another strange attempt from the Vice-Commander to coerce the truth from his subordinates and see if they would break their begrudged facade of duty and run. Yamazaki gulped down his distress and continued reading, hoping the rest of his report would be interesting enough to snap Hijikata out of his reverie.
"You asked me to bring you the statement from the Terminal's security detail y-yesterday, sir," Yamazaki ventured, "But they are withholding it. The Chief of Security said it's none of our business to go poking into Terminal affairs. He didn't allow Harada's unit to examine the scene and interview witnesses. He said we needed a permit from-"
Hijikata slammed a hand down his desk.
"Who does he think he is to decide what is the business of the Makotogumi!"
Yamazaki's eyes flew to his face.
"The business of who, sir?"
"The Shinsengumi," Hijikata growled, retrieving his pen, "Are you going deaf?"
"N-no, sir." Yamazaki replied, lowering his gaze. He must have misheard. Being stuck in traffic for two hours that morning with car horns blaring all around him must have damaged his ear drums.
"If they are being this obstinate I'll pay them a visit," Hijikata continued, resuming his work, "Arrange me a meeting."
Yamazaki nodded.
"Should I schedule at their earliest convenience?"
"Make it this afternoon."
"Yes, sir!"
Passengers and tourists crowded the lobby of the Oedo Terminal sharing looks between them as Hijikata and his entourage of two went by, steps bold and hurried. Hijikata walked in front, cigarette dangling from his lips and leaving a trail of smoke behind him. A murderous aura emanated from his figure. He hardly noticed the little kids cowering behind their parents, stealing secretive looks at his sword and the way he carried himself. Yamazaki waved at them but the kids replied by sticking their tongues out, wounding his pride. He was neither popular nor cool enough to deserve their attention.
"What floor?" Hijikata asked as they reached the elevator to the Terminal offices.
"Twenty-four." Harada answered.
Hijikata nodded and pressed the button. As the doors closed shut, Harada and Yamazaki shared the same look of apprehension they had seen in the faces of the people in the lobby. Hijikata, however, did not catch it. His mind was focused on one thing only. Obliterating the Terminal's Chief of Security. Rip him open a new one. How dare he stall the Shinsengumi's investigation into one of the cities most dangerous mob groups? How dare he speak of jurisdiction? Hijikata was sick and tired of these private security types running laps around the police while the big shot CEOs, chairmans of fuckall, threw them money to cover their own shoddy deals with mobsters.
Ten floors up the glass casement of the elevator revealed a wide view of the terminal's internal structure. Below Hijikata's feet, at the bottom of the building, the lobby moved farther and farther away while the crowd they'd waded through minutes before disappeared into tiny dots. Above it dozens of walkways connected shopping areas and hangars to a hundred different customs services. An architectural marvel hard to imagine ever crumbling.
Hijikata's leg twitched with a spasm of pain as he took in the view. He winced and bit his cigarette.
"Everything alright, sir?" Harada's sober voice came automatically but Hijikata cleared his throat and brushed off his subordinate's concern.
"We are almost there." Yamazaki said.
Hijikata nodded wordlessly, glad to have his back turned. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his trousers to stop them from clutching his thigh. It seemed as if a thousand needles were digging in, reaching for his bones. He couldn't control it. He bit his bottom lip and glued his eyes to the rising numbers on the small screen of the elevator's control panel. Eighteen. Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Hijikata gritted his teeth crunching the butt of his cigarette to oblivion. Twenty-two. Sweat pooled at the back of his neck. He heard the soft clanking sound again. Something akin to keys jingling. Twenty-three.
The only one who can kill me is me .
Hijikata turned around so abruptly he almost twisted his neck. Yamazaki and Harada stared at him with eyes widened, nevertheless, the voice wasn't theirs. They spoke alarmed but what came out of their mouths was just noise.
"Sir, are you alright?"
"You don't look so good, Hijikata-san. Perhaps we should postpone the meeting?"
Hijikata looked over their shoulders at the corners of the elevator but finding nothing there he approached the elevator's glass windows struggling against Harada and Yamazaki's arms simultaneously. His leg had given out and he had crashed to the floor out of breath.
"Sir!"
"Grab his other arm, Zaki!"
Twenty-four.
The elevator rang and the doors opened.
"Go tell them the meeting has to be adjourned," Harada told Yamazaki," The Vice-Commander isn't well."
"I can't say that to them!" Yamazaki replied outraged.
"Well, make something up! It's not like they wanted this meeting in the first place."
"They're gonna think Hijikata-san is messing with them!"
"Maybe that's better than whatever he had planned. Now, go!"
Hijikata heard footsteps fade in the distance. Doors closing. Across the distance he saw the busy atrium of a hangar, people pouring out of shuttle transports, crew workers going back and forth with luggage and packed crates. A red glint beamed amidst it all. Hijikata squinted his eyes but he could not make out the source. Harada spoke to him but his voice reached Hijikata from far away. Underwater. From a different realm. Hijikata's forehead touched the ice cold window. A burning fever clouded his vision and his eyes rolled into the back of his head.
The sound of chirping birds woke Hijikata from sleep. The warbler's song rooted him to reality along with the temperature, the smell and the echo of familiar voices inside the fours walls of his room.
"How's he doing?" Kondo whispered.
"Better now. He needs rest," the doctor said, closing the latch on his bag, "He must have been under serious strain. The cigarettes don't help."
"This was because of stress? It can't be, Toshi is-"
"No one is made of stone, Commander," the doctor interjected, "From what your subordinates told me, Vice-Commander Hijikata had a panic attack. They said he lost his hearing, couldn't speak, had shortness of breath, could barely keep standing. He needs serious rest. I recommend two weeks, but I doubt a stubborn man like him will follow my advice."
"I'll make sure of it, doctor. Thank you very much."
"I am coming back tomorrow and expect him to be confined to his bed. That desk over there, I suggest you move it. Don't give him any ideas."
"I like your thinking, doc."
"I'll be on my way then."
The door to Hijikata's room slid shut. The birds sang louder. A warm spring breeze blew in from the porch. Hijikata sighed and opened his eyes.
"I knew you were faking it." Sougo said with a sadistic smile.
Hijikata held back a scream. Sougo sat by his futon with arms crossed, staring holes into his face. He had probably been counting the seconds since Hijikata had come to his senses, much like he had been counting the days until Hijikata's final demise.
"You bastard! Didn't you hear the man? I need to rest. Leave."
Sougo's smile grew deeper. Hijikata saw his teeth.
"What is the Makotogumi?"
"What?"
"The Makotogumi," Sougo repeated, smile gone and replaced by a singularly false expression of innocence, "You've mentioned it a few times to the others now. Is it a slip of the tongue? A mysterious organization you are assembling to overtake the Shinsengumi? Or are you just losing your mental faculties? Harada came to ask me about it after you collapsed."
Hijikata frowned.
"I didn't collapse."
"Yeah, sure, Hijikata-san. You didn't collapse. You just made a fool of yourself in front of a hundred thousand people at the Terminal-"
"A hundred thousand-? I didn't-"
"Just answer my question."
"What!"
"The Makotogumi. What is it?"
"I don't know," Hijikata grunted, sitting up "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You don't know?"
"No," Hijikata said again. He glanced around the room looking for his jacket, itching for a cigarette, but the jacket was nowhere in sight, "Would you stop repeating what I say and leave me alone? You're pissing me off, Sougo."
"Looking for your cigarettes, Hijikata-san? I can go find them for you if you tell me the truth."
"Scram!"
"As you wish then. Hope you die."
"Get out!"
Hijikata threw Sougo his pillow but the little bastard dodged it easily, sliding the door shut behind him. Hijikata cursed to relieve his frustration. He really needed a cigarette. He got up and turned his room upside down looking for a new pack but someone had combed it clean. Maybe he had been smoking too much lately. Too much to have the withdrawal fuck with his head. He didn't remember depleting his secret cigarette stashes and he knew for a fact no one else knew about them, except Yamazaki, though Yamazaki was too much of a wuss to try and mess with Hijikata's emergency supply. Hijikata would personally cut Yamazaki's belly open in the middle of the yard in front of the entire Makotogumi if he did.
Ah.
There it was again. A mere thought.
"What's the Makotogumi..." Sougo's question left Hijikata's lips in a trance. He was sure he knew what it was. The answer was at the tip of his tongue. Yet he couldn't remember.
Gintoki was already sitting at the counter when Hijikata arrived. The good thing about that mess of silver curls was that Hijikata could spot it anywhere in a crowd like it was Hijikata's own personal beacon. His cheeks blushed at the thought. He hated it.
"Hey, heard you were sick a few weeks ago." Gintoki said, setting down his drink. His greeting was short and he jumped straight to the matter. Hijikata didn't need to look him in the eye to guess Gintoki's level of worry or the absolute impatience whittling his cool facade to dust. If eating wasn't a primary human need and Gintoki such a penniless bum unable to refuse a free meal, Hijikata had no doubt where they would be at now. Culling the loneliness of two weeks apart.
Hijikata sat on the stool next to Gintoki and signaled the old lady to get him his usual order.
"Just a cold." Hijikata replied.
"Hm."
The non-response stung.
"Sougo been babbling to you?"
"Something like that." Gintoki replied with a shrug of shoulders.
Hijikata's frown deepened. Damn Sougo and his meddling. The last thing Hijikata wanted was to do was talk about his blackout at the Terminal and the two insufferable weeks that had followed of Kondo fussing about him like an old wife, Yamazaki's passive-aggressive admonitions, and the unspoken decree issued to the entire barracks to walk on eggshells around him.
"Why do you care? I'm fine now." he grumbled.
"You don't have to be such a fucking dick about it, I was just asking."
"Forget it."
The old lady arrived with his bowl of rice and mayonnaise and Hijikata dove into it paying no mind to Gintoki's worried looks.
"Fuck."
Hijikata sunk into the mattress coming off his high. Spots danced in his field of vision and his legs trembled from pushing hard into Gintoki.
"Next round is mine," Gintoki said stretched beside him, chest heaving as he caught his breath, "If you want it rough today, I'll give you rough, you sexy bastard."
"Shut up."
Gintoki's lips grazed the curve of Hijikata's shoulder and he pressed them softly into Hijikata's sweaty skin. Hijikata's stomach flipped. A jolt of emotion struck his heart. Blood rushed to his cheeks and he fisted the bed sheets as a rampage of palpitations overcame him.
"What's wrong?" Gintoki's voice was tender but measured, hiding something beneath it. Hijikata recognized the stench. Fear.
"Gotta take a leak."
Hijikata climbed off the bed and headed to the bathroom. The snapping sound of latex echoed across the tile walls as he disposed of his condom. He pissed driblets of nothing, cleaned himself up and flushed the toilet. The palpitations would not go away. His head was feverish as was his chest, his neck, his ears. He couldn't remember ever having felt so much, so intensely. It was as if his mind couldn't catch up with his body. An untamable fever dictated his senses and hindered his contact with the world and himself.
He searched his reflection in the mirror for wounds or rashes to justify his symptoms but his skin was only marked with reminders of Gintoki's lust, bite marks, scratches, furious kisses that endured as bruises. Hijikata lowered his head and grabbed hold of the sink, desperate for control. Images he could not recognize flashed before his eyes. A pungent smell of burning sage filled his lungs. He took deep breaths to expel it but his brain seemed to flood with more incomprehensible images the more he tried to shut them out.
"What the fuck..."
His reflection in the mirror stared back at him unfamiliar, severed from reality. Skin pale like a corpse's, deprived of the exquisite flush of sex. Hijikata raked a hand through his hair, pulling it back. His forehead glistened with sweat.
How old was he, again?
A white strand of hair caught his attention. He touched it and a dozen more appeared. An entire lock of white hair fell over his eye. Hijikata tugged at it instantly, trembling fingers digging nails into his scalp.
His heartbeat drummed in his ears.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
Another panic attack. The bathroom's tiled walls closed around him. A beam of bright red light refracted and multiplied on the surface of the mirror striking Hijikata from all sides.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
"Oi, are you coming out or not?" Gintoki banged at the bathroom's door impatiently, "Gin-san is gonna fall asleep here!"
Hijikata's fingers stopped. He released his hair and stared aghast at the blood smearing the tips of his fingernails. He looked at his reflection again. Hair jetblack.
"Shit."
He slapped the water tap and scrubbed the blood off his fingers frantically. When he was done he left the bathroom twice as spooked as he had been when he'd first sought refuge in it. He was completely limp. Gintoki appraised him with a frown on his face and spat aside the condom packet swaying between his teeth. Something about Hijikata's pallor had wiped the impish grin off his face. Hijikata leaned one knee against the bed tentatively. His mind swam and he lost his balance. Gintoki reached forward and pulled him into his embrace.
"What's the matter with you? You're sulkier than usual." his lips brushed against Hijikata's chest.
This precious body you came to claim is not mine anymore.
Hijikata's hands flew to the back of Gintoki's neck and he brought Gintoki's face up abruptly. He turned his chin sideways and checked Gintoki's neck for marks, traced the span of taut skin from collarbone to shoulders looking for signs of an alphabet he didn't know.
"Hijikata," Gintoki's hands found his and he held them tightly, "What's going on? Are you hurt? Did I-?"
Hijikata's mind went blank.
"Who are you?"
Gintoki wheezed. He released Hijikata's hands and sat back, elbows sinking into the mattress. Legs opening just so.
"Very funny," Gintoki sighed, "Didn't know you were into roleplay, Vice-Commander."
"Which one are you?" Hijikata's voice lowered to a whisper. He tried to contain the ragged breaths shaking him, the shivers trailing down his spine and rending his body cold but he had long lost control of it. He pressed again for an answer, his despair all but crumbling Gintoki's skeptic look.
"Which one?"
Gintoki went silent and sat upright.
"Just tell me which."
"Hijikata-"
"Who are you?"
"Me. I'm me."
"Yorozuya? Gintoki?" Hijikata asked, fists burrowing into his eyes.
"Yeah." Gintoki replied softly. He inched closer and wrapped a loose bed sheet around Hijikata's frame.
"What is the Makotogumi?" Hijikata mumbled, "What is the Makotogumi? What happened to the Shinsengumi?"
Gintoki kissed his exposed forehead and Hijikata could feel a dam rupturing inside him.
The V-shape is gone.
He was supposed to be crying about something. Something horrible. He choked back a sob.
"Hijikata, you're not making any sense. Let's go to sleep, yeah?"
Hijikata nodded and rolled over, turning Gintoki his back. He wished for sleep but he did not dare close his eyes.
As far as bad circumstances went, jobless and boring had never been as hard to bear. No work to employ the body, no pastime to engage the mind. Gintoki swiveled around in his chair while attempting to read that week's Jump to no avail. He lost focus easily. The words on the page found no outlet in his brain, no gap through which they could arouse his curiosity. Sleepless nights had worn him down with the haunting image of Hijikata's face as he had uttered that strange question.
Which one are you?
A mystery beyond the realm and capacities of Jump's best serials. Gintoki couldn't stop thinking about it. The absolute dread in Hijikata's expression. The dead stare. The shaking. So sudden. Gintoki had been riding his high, giddy for the next round, when Hijikata's hesitating feet had caught his attention. For a moment Gintoki had found it amusing, he had even felt a bit proud of himself watching as the Shinsengumi's Vice-Commander stumbled naked back into the bed, but the feelings of elation soon backfired and Gintoki had been left with zero explanations and the horrifying thought that Hijikata had no answers either.
Never had one of their nights left such a bad taste in his mouth.
A loud knock at the door disrupted Gintoki's train of thought and broke through the lazy afternoon at the Yorozuya's. Kagura, who was stretched on the couch watching TV, glanced over her shoulder to see who it was. Gintoki took a glimpse at the hall over his magazine and Shinpachi, kindhearted and always ready to be of service, poked his head out of the kitchen to yell at the two slugs doing nothing in the living room.
"Why is no one going to get the door?" he asked waving a kitchen rag in the air.
"Too much work." Kagura moaned.
"My back hurts." Gintoki added.
"What if it's a customer? Don't you want some work, Gin-san?! It's not like you're in a position to turn it down!"
"Well said, 'Pachi. Well said-"
"A yawn?! Are you yawning right now?" Shinpachi cried out in disbelief.
"I think I'm gonna take a nap."
"Gin-chan hasn't been sleeping well," Kagura observed, "He tosses and turns all night, goes to the fridge to stare at the lights and then goes back to bed. The other night he went to the toilet six times and-"
"What are you, my stalker?!" Gintoki exclaimed, shutting the unread issue of Jump with both hands.
"You're too loud, even Sadaharu complains."
Sadaharu lifted his head and barked in agreement.
"Shut up! No one asked you." Gintoki grumbled.
"Shut up all of you! We probably lost the customer by now." Shinpachi said dispirited.
"Nah, it's all right. We are having a laugh watching you three idiots go at each other." Sougo deadpanned, leaning against the doorframe that connected the hall to the living room.
Kondo cleared his throat with a shaky laugh and behind him Yamazaki scratched the back of his head with embarrassment begging forgiveness for the intrusion. Gintoki and Kagura glared at the trespassers instantly, their private bickering forgotten.
"Oi, gorilla, what do you think you're doing?"
"The hell are you doing here, snot-face?!" Kagura growled at Sougo, standing up and putting her hands on her hips.
"You do know it's a crime to enter people's houses uninvited." Gintoki said.
"Yeah! Not even vampires do that." Kagura nodded.
"Only kids believe in fairy-tales like vampires." Sougo sneered.
"Only criminals enter people's houses like thieves!"
"We're sorry for the intrusion, Boss," Yamazaki bowed curtly, trying to de-escalate the situation, "We knocked and knocked while you were arguing but since nobody came to the door we let ourselves in. We thought we could be of assistance."
"Thank you, that was very kind of you," Shinpachi bowed back in thanks.
"Stop it, 'Pachi, stop that. We don't need your help and we don't want anything. You can go." Gintoki shooed them off with a wave of his hand and swiveled around in his chair hoping the three stooges would get the hint.
"Don't be rude, Gin-san! I just made tea. Please sit for a while."
Shinpachi offered the three guests a seat and headed back to the kitchen to prepare a tray. Kondo thanked him profusely and sat down, ignoring Kagura as she rolled her eyes and slumped on the couch with a resigned sigh.
"Thank you, Shinpachi-kun," Kondo said, "We have come to you with a request this time, you being the Yorozuya and all..." he laughed nervously and his pitch strayed enough from his normal creepy snicker for Gintoki to take notice. He surprised himself by speaking first.
"What's it about?"
"It's Toshi actually." Kondo said.
Gintoki's heart sank.
"Mayora?" Kagura wondered.
"Yeah, something's wrong with him. He is sick and refuses to see a doctor. You know…" Kondo trailed away unable to say more, actual tears welled up in his eyes.
"Kondo-san means a shrink." Yamazaki said patting Kondo's back.
"A shrink?"
Shinpachi returned from the kitchen and placed the tea tray in the coffee table between the two sofas. Gintoki picked up his Jump and resumed leafing absentmindedly through it so as not to let his emotions catch on. The dark circles under Kondo's eyes were almost as bad as his.
Fuck.
"He keeps asking strange questions." Yamazaki said.
"He is a weirdo." Kagura noted.
"I thought he was just pulling my leg the first time but he has been asking me the same question every day for a week now," Kondo said, eyes glued to the floor, "Always at breakfast he sits next to me and asks me what year it is."
"He checks the dates constantly," Yamazaki added, "I have stopped bringing him new investigation reports because he keeps mixing them up. This week I've only brought him regular paperwork to sign and he hasn't even noticed it."
"And if he has noticed it, which I'm sure he did, he hasn't said anything." Sougo said.
"Why are you here?" Gintoki's voice was sharp, almost a hiss. Sougo's mischievous gaze caught Gintoki's furrowed brow with sickening pleasure.
"Touchy, Boss?" he chuckled, "I'm just skipping work."
"Ignore him, Yorozuya," Kondo uttered faintly, "He doesn't show it, but Sougo is pretty worried too."
Gintoki flipped a page irritably and shrugged.
"We don't know why Toshi is acting like this. We thought it might be a mayo-overdose or his otaku tendencies acting up again, but we have found no proof of either."
"He hasn't been the same after what happened at the Terminal." Yamazaki sighed.
"What happened at the Terminal?" Shinpachi beat Gintoki to the punch and Gintoki had never been happier for it. The last time they'd met, Hijikata had shunned all questions relating to his collapse. Gintoki had been left with no other choice but to care for him in the only way he knew how. Without words. It hadn't been enough.
"He collapsed in the elevator. Doctor said it was a panic attack induced by stress." Yamazaki replied.
"Stress?" Shinpachi wondered, "Hijikata-san?"
"Yes," Yamazaki replied just as incredulous, "It's not possible to be a breakdown from stress. Not Hijikata-san. He feeds on stress. He is the most diligent, the most dedicated member of the Shisengumi. It's when he is not stressed that things go bad."
Gintoki thought about Hijikata's naked frame kneeling at the foot of the bed. His mouth went dry.
"I think it must be a disease he caught in the Terminal. Thousands of Amanto pass through it everyday. An alien virus could have gotten to him," Yamazaki continued, "He really is not himself and it's starting to affect the entire barracks. He stalks the men who he suspects of stealing his cigarettes, he leaves his room in a temper and threatens to cut the bellies of the people who walk by it, we can't even whisper when he is in the same room, he starts to get real antsy and violent."
"Isn't that just regular Hijikata though?" Gintoki wondered aloud. His face was a mask of nonchalance, yet his pulse had picked up in the last five minutes and he could feel Sougo's ugly mug studying his every move.
"We think Toshi has taken notice of this 'cause he has started to shut himself in his room." Kondo said.
"And he writes a lot!" Yamazaki said on the edge of his seat, "I have to go buy him more ink and paper after we're done here. He gave me a shopping list." he searched the inner pockets of his jacket and produced a tiny slip of paper where Hijikata had scribbled down half a dozen items.
"Paranoid and morose, uh?" Gintoki mumbled.
Yamazaki and Kondo nodded fiercely.
"How much are you paying?" Gintoki asked, the question a formality that failed to smother his agitation.
"Yeah! How much, dungus?!"
"It's dingus, Kagura-chan."
Kondo got on his knees. Gintoki pursed his lips, steeling himself to the core. His muscles ached in perfect stasis.
"Anything you want, Yorozuya. Please."
"Don't you know people start to go crazy if they don't see the sky everyday? It's a beautiful blue out there today." Otose said by way of scolding. She breathed out a long wisp of smoke as she gazed at Gintoki's despondent form slumped on one of her high stools.
Gintoki barely had the will to shrug.
"Weren't you out on a job today? Tama told me you left early with the kids."
"Yeah, kinda."
"Kinda?" Otose asked with a frown, "You were sent home?"
Gintoki hummed in agreement, a low, miserable little wail.
"I see. It can't be helped if you were working in this state," she groaned, "What's got you so shaken you can't help two kids look for a lost cat?"
Gintoki flipped his head and laid his other cheek on the counter. A fine thread of drool followed.
"Do you know how hard it is to find a cat? If it doesn't want to be found, it won't!" Gintoki replied with bile.
"Oh," Otose lifted an inquisitive brow, sensing a different type of thread afloat her counter, "A cat is a cat. If they are hungry they will return home."
"You forget cats know how to hunt, old ha-"
"I see, this is a special cat." Otose spoke over Gintoki, voice grating, "Not your typical household cat. A wild one."
Gintoki was mute. Otose put out her cigarette and grabbed a wet cloth to clean the counter.
"What did he do this time?"
"He is not speaking to me," Gintoki replied at once, petulant, hiding nothing, "He refuses to see me and he isn't well. The gorilla came by the other day asking for help."
"What's wrong with him?"
"Nobody knows. They think he is going insane, having some kind of meltdown. I…" Gintoki lifted his head off the counter fishing for words to express his misery. Otose's eyes beheld him calmly, two deep, amiable slits taking in his distress.
"Wasn't he cursed before? By a sword?" she asked.
"Yeah, but they haven't found anything weird," Gintoki said. He couldn't help remembering his and Hijikata's last night together, "Something is seriously wrong with him, he doesn't… he didn't recognize me…"
Otose lit another cigarette. For a while neither spoke. Gintoki faced the shiny surface of the counter-top drowning in his own thoughts until Tama slid open the front door of the bar.
"Good afternoon, Otose-sama, Gintoki-sama." Gintoki turned to greet her and a strange feeling took hold of his senses, something familiar, recurring. A repetition.
"I have an errand to run," Tama announced, "Would you like to accompany me, Gintoki-sama?"
"Bad time, Tama. This one is rotten today." Otose exhaled, dismissing the idea with her hand.
Yet, Gintoki stood up. Gaze clear.
"I'll go."
Tama's errand took Gintoki to Gengai's garage. It was midday. The place was deserted except for the incalculable number of gadgets and inventions crammed up high and piled upon row after row of steel racks. Gintoki followed Tama deep into the garage and the two stopped before a large container that resembled an old dumpster. One of Gengai's innocent, little thefts. A dusty cover hid the contents inside it.
"Gintoki-sama, I did not want this day to come," Tama said, "But now that it has, I must explain everything."
Tama reached a hand deep into the container and pulled out a film reel. A sticker on the side read Time-Thief #1 Version Two.
"I think Gengai-sama keeps a film projector stored somewhere around here." she said.
Gintoki helped Tama search the garage for the projector and after thirty excruciating minutes scouring the old man's packed shelves they found the projector and mounted the film reel.
"First I would like to apologize for eavesdropping on your conversation with Otose-sama," Tama declared, "The subject would not have piqued my interest if Yamazaki-kun had not confessed to me in detail what the Vice-Commander has been going through."
Tama turned off the lights and then began narrating the events unfolding on the garage's gate now turned projector screen.
"That's Gintoki-sama talking to me in a different timeline where the planet was afflicted by what people called the White Curse."
Gintoki stared aghast at himself on the screen screaming at the camera.
"The White Curse?" Gintoki asked bewildered. Dozens of questions pressed in as the reel kept spinning and friendly faces showed up, features plain yet irrevocably changed. The bizarre older figures of Kagura and Shinpachi fought each other across a desolate street, their expressions hardened by war and loss.
"Yes. In that timeline Gintoki-sama was the carrier of a nanotechnological bio-weapon which wiped out a quarter of the Earth's population. Mass panic led another third to flee to space. Cities and countries collapsed. No cure was found to the virus spread by Enmi, the mercenary who infected you. To ensure that future would never happen Gintoki-sama asked Gengai-sama to build a time-machine so your past-self could go forward in time and save everyone. That time-machine was me."
Gintoki turned away from the projection to look Tama in the eye. His throat was dry and he struggled to form the words.
"We time-traveled?"
"Yes," Tama nodded.
"B-but I don't remember anything."
"Nobody does. Nobody should," Tama answered with a heavy pause, "Except the Shinsengumi's Vice-Commander."
Gintoki's brows furrowed. He opened his mouth to protest but a familiar face appeared on the screen at that moment. Dark bangs parted in the middle. A long black coat replaced the infamous uniform of the Shinsengumi. Behind Hijikata half a dozen banners flapped in the wind with bold characters written on them. Makotogumi.
A cold shiver ran down Gintoki's spine. Goosebumps spread all over his arms.
"What… How?"
"Because Hijikata-san used the fail-safe to go back in time."
"The fail-safe?"
At that word Tama yanked the dirty sheet covering the dumpster. A cloud of dust went up the air. Tiny particles danced in the light of the film projector, dust motes of pure light that rivaled not only Gintoki's silver curls but also the shiny golden locks of his ill-fitted surrogate lying lifeless inside the dumpster.
"Kintoki was supposed to be a fail-safe in case I was destroyed in the time flux. Unfortunately, Gengai-sama was never able to refine Kintoki's systems. He was arrested before he could finish Kintoki's time-travel engine, so Kintoki ended up acting as your courier. His job was to keep you updated of the curse's development and the moment your past self arrived. However, Hijikata-san used Kintoki without knowledge of this. He had his henchmen capture Kintoki's body once he learned the truth about your disappearance and-"
"My disappearance?"
"Yes. You hid yourself away from everyone to stop the spread of the nanomachines and faked your own death."
Gintoki leaned against a steel rack to steady himself. The images projected on the screen reached him hollow and meaningless. He couldn't believe it.
"This is a lot."
"Yes, time-travel is generally very confusing to humans who can only perceive and experience time as linear-"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it," Gintoki cut in sharply, dismissive almost, "Just… just tell me what's wrong with Hijikata." he begged, rubbing his eyes with both hands.
"We should speak with Gengai-sama," Tama replied serene, untroubled by Gintoki's raised tone, "He will help us find a solution. He was the one who built the time-travel system after all."
"Oi, Tama," Gintoki's voice quivered with suppressed rage, he tapped his feet incessantly against the floor to prevent himself from stomping Gengai's face, "He doesn't know anything about the bad timeline either!"
Gengai had arrived one hour later, belly full with a satisfying lunch, and, after hearing Tama's story, he had fallen into a deep silence, chin in hand, pensive as a greek statue, a look which Gintoki currently didn't possess the state of mind to tolerate. It seemed every second went by needlessly and wasted, throwing him further into the throes of despair.
"Of course not. This is the first time I told Gengai-sama about it." Tama replied, shutting off the projector.
"Oi, old man, this is all your doing," Gintoki said, "What do you have to say? The hell is this about a different timeline? A white curse!? It sounds like a bad joke!"
"I hear you, Ginnoji," Gengai said, breaking his silence. He approached the dumpster where Kintoki's body lay disjointed, arms and legs sticking in weird angles like a doll's, "So I created two time-machines, uh?"
"Well, yeah, don't let it get to your head, old fossil! Your machine messed up! Now you gotta fix it!"
"I understand you are worried about your friend, Ginnoji. But he was the one who stole it. I- wait, let me finish," Gengai raised his hands in a plea for calm and as soon as Gintoki relented he continued, "Tama said there was a timeline where everyone forgot about you. A timeline where you succeeded in killing yourself but she was able to get everyone's memories back. That is a good thing. It means memories can be returned. However, your friend's problem, it seems to me, is that Kintoki's unrefined time-travel system created some sort of fracture in his being. Instead of erasing your friend's memory and returning him to the original timeline, which is now, that fissure in his being is making his memories overlap. Memories of another timeline are leaking into this one, and by that I mean he is literally going crazy. How can he tell the difference between what's real and what's not real when all his memories are things that happened in two different realities? I'd say the psychological damage of this fissure might be permanent if we don't find a way to close it soon."
Gintoki bit his tongue at the word 'soon'. He didn't want to think about the possibility of Hijikata losing his mind. Gintoki was ready to do whatever needed to be done. Now.
"And how do we do that?" he asked
"I can only see two options here, Ginnoji. Wipe the slate clean or burst that crack wide open. Let it all spill out."
"Are you kidding me?!" Gintoki cried out, a shrill laugh escaped his throat out of sheer disbelief, "Those sound like two totally horrible options! Wipe the slate clean? You mean wipe his mind?!"
"Yeah, pipsqueak clean."
"Make him a vegetable!?"
"Only for a while, he will eventually relearn everything. We humans are not that complicated." Gengai declared matter-a-factually.
"But his memories?"
"All gone I'm afraid."
Gintoki went silent, unable to digest the shock. The ground seemed to shake under his feet, he stumbled light-headed. His hands trembled.
"I need a drink."
"I have a bottle of liquor in the back."
The 'back' was Gengai's private room. It was a simple room which served all living purposes. It had a closet, two cabinets, a counter with a sink and a stove, a tiny refrigerator and a microwave on top of it. Gengai dragged a small dining table to the center of the room and asked Tama to get the bottle of liquor he had stashed in one of the cabinets.
"No, no, not that one, that's the motor oil!"
Tama took out the oil, the liquor and three glasses. She poured Gengai and Gintoki their liquor and Gengai let her revel in a generous cup of oil.
After Gintoki downed two glasses, one after the other, Gengai poured him a third.
"Can't you build a time-machine again?" Gintoki wondered, head bristling with reckless ideas, "I could go back in time and stop Hijikata from using the fail-safe."
Gengai shook his head.
"It's a paradox, Ginnoji." he said wistfully, "That timeline no longer exists. We can't return to it. Saving the world meant erasing it. And even if we could go back, I couldn't promise you that the time it would take me to build the time-machine would not compromise the Vice-Commander's mental state."
"What about that second option?" Gintoki asked, dragging his sweaty hands over his pants.
"Well, for that I need to finish my work on Kintoki. As you can see, in this timeline he is still inoperational. I never had to turn him nor Tama into time-machines, but Kintoki might still have your friend's memories in his data banks much like Tama has yours."
Gintoki's eyes widened. He stared at Tama perplexed.
"You do?"
"Yes. That's how I remember everything," Tama said, slurping the motor oil directly from the bottle, "My memories are Gintoki-sama's memories. The film reel is just a recording."
"How would that work out?" Gintoki asked, "If we open the crack won't the memories overlap anyway? Worse than before?"
"Time travel takes a toll, Ginnoji. I told you that might happen."
"Not in this timeline, you didn't!" Gintoki exclaimed.
"Correct, but I say it again now, as I'm sure I told your cursed self," Gengai said somberly, "Jumping through time is like magic, or alchemy. It comes with a price. Of course the memories might overlap, of course the human mind might not be able to handle it. It's a risk you have to be willing to take."
Gintoki examined the empty glass in his hand, coveting the pain of its jagged edges biting into his flesh; the burning sensation of the liquor going down his throat. Surely those had to feel better than weighing the pros and cons of Hijikata's fate.
"So Hijikata will be mad anyway, just a different type of mad? You gotta be fucking kidding me."
"No, Ginnoji. He might go back to being perfectly healthy. The question you have to ask yourself is another one. Why do you think he risked everything to change the future? Why did you ? Right now the Vice-Commander doesn't know. He might have flashes, he is probably confused and disgruntled, trying to put the pieces together. But he will know once he gets those memories back. Will that be worth it?"
Gintoki didn't speak for a long while. Gengai and Tama took the glasses and washed them. Tama threw the empty oil bottle in the trash and Gengai stored his liquor bottle back in the cabinet. He adjusted the goggles on his head and sat down again to extract an answer from Gintoki, maybe offer him a few words of encouragement. But Gintoki didn't need them. He had made up his mind.
"Can you do me a favor, old man?"
"Sure."
"I'm gonna bring Hijikata here and when you get him his memories back, you will give me back mine."
Nothing prepared Gintoki for what awaited him at the Shinsengumi barracks. More than the blockade of officers by the gate and the silent, eerie halls that led to Hijikata's room, and which Gintoki had decided beforehand to avoid altogether, it was Hijikata's sight itself that surprised him, the physical change that had occurred since the last time Gintoki had seen him, almost a week before, for he had not been allowed a single glimpse at the man the five times he had tried to see him since then.
Gintoki waited for the gate patrol to leave for dinner and, after the last shadow disappeared behind the front gates, he sought the dimly lit street behind the barracks where a trash pile built a risky stairway to the Shinsengumi's back garden. He made sure the coast was clear before he hoisted his legs over the wall and hopped down to the damp lawn a little ways from Hijikata's room.
Contrary to his nature, panic made him knock at the door and bestow the generous gift of a preemptive strike. Nevertheless, Hijikata didn't take it. He answered Gintoki's rap with silence and that angered Gintoki more than if Hijikata had come at him with his sword. Gintoki slid open the door and walked in forgetting all about restraining his temper. He caught Hijikata reaching for his sword but the scabbard was too thin. Made of cheap wood. A walking stick.
Gintoki watched as Hijikata stood up slowly, one hand gripping the cane and another clinging to his desk for balance. Stupor prevented Gintoki from moving, an unabashed stream of questions fueled his anger and brought the sour taste of pity to his mouth, yet when the stupor lifted and he stirred, Hijikata rejected his help with a wave of his hand.
"I'm fine."
His voice was empty of feeling, his look austere, akin to that of a wounded animal unable to distinguish a kind gesture from a cruel one. Hijikata bore his pain with untouchable pride and Gintoki couldn't help but grimace before the glass statue in front of him.
"What do you want? I gave those idiots explicit orders not to let anyone in." Hijikata said.
"Not my fault you have morons for subordinates." Gintoki replied, blood running hot through his veins.
"Are you done?" was the hasty reply.
"No."
"I don't have time for you, I'm busy." Hijikata sighed. He propped both hands on the cane in front of him, the dark circles under his eyes grew in length as he bent his shoulders. Behind him, his desk caught Gintoki's attention, cluttered with papers and blotted with ink spots. Even the tatami floor was covered with piles of scribbled pages, their text jumbled and loose with lines crossed several times over.
"Busy with what?" Gintoki spat, losing his tenure of calm, "Trying to tell truth from lie? What's real from what's not real?"
Hijikata's expression hardened. He pursed his lips and closed his eyes in a pathetic attempt to stop Gintoki from reading him.
"What do you mean?"
"You could have told me."
"What?"
"Stop playing me for a fool, you idiot! Can't you ask for help?!"
Hijikata's face was a mask of civility invulnerable to emotional outbursts.
"What happened to your leg? Can you even tell me that?"
"No."
"Do you wanna know who Enmi is?"
Hijikata startled disarmed. He lifted his head and Gintoki's breath hitched as Hijikata's blue gaze found his, snatching from him the satisfying yet vulgar taste of victory. Hijikata looked ghastly. Although far from their usual crystal clear, red spots lined the once pure whites of his eyes. His skin was so pale death would have neglected to kiss it if death saw it.
"You don't know what you're talking about." Hijikata rasped, averting his eyes down to his scribbles.
"I do," Gintoki insisted, "I know a little, and I plan to learn everything. As will you. I know how to fix you."
"Fix me?" Hijikata laughed, a belittling, taunting laugh which made Gintoki clench his fists.
"Don't try to stop me, don't fight me," Gintoki said, "I'll break your arms, your other leg if I have to."
Hijikata's laugh faded away. He reached inside his yukata for a pack of cigarettes.
"Don't you ever get tired of getting your way?"
"No," Gintoki answered, "Are you coming with me or not?"
It was as much a demand as it was a request.
"I've done you worse favors."
"Then I'll buy you a drink later."
Hijikata froze. He looked up at Gintoki and a tender smile stretched across his face. A smile Gintoki did not deserve and one he did not care for, faded in emaciated features that mocked him.
"It's really you, uh?"
"Yeah."
Hijikata's cigarette was a stick of smoldering ash defying the laws of gravity. He didn't speak a word during Tama's explanation of the alternate timeline, a speech which Gintoki had heard for the third time now but which still hadn't truly sunk in. His silence continued throughout the screening of Tama's film reel which expounded the descriptions of the alternate reality, yet Gintoki noticed Hijikata flinching and turning away from the screen often. He failed to account for the fact that the images depicted in the reel were not Hijikata's memories but Gintoki's own, and whatever gaps in his memory Tama was unable to fill, Hijikata certainly could, with his own assortment of disturbing and misplaced remembrances.
A minute of silence followed as the reel reached its end.
"So, are we going to do this or not?" Gengai asked the room, turning on the lights and proceeding to give a good-natured slap on the cushions of two customized dentist chairs he had unearthed for the occasion.
Gintoki was confronted again by a duplicated feeling as he turned around to look at the chairs. Hijikata's cane tapped the floor as he turned beside him. His voice was solemn but firm as he answered Gengai's question.
"Yes."
"Great!" Gengai cheered, "You two lay down in these chairs while Tama helps me with this guy," he said, pointing a thumb at Kintoki's limp body inside the push-cart, "He finished charging half an hour ago so we're on!"
Gengai pulled the plug attached to Kintoki's neck and Tama bent Kintoki's container forward. Gintoki's smooth-haired copy plummeted to the ground in a crude fashion and the physical similarities made Gintoki cringe, though he soon regretted his softness of heart as the droid woke up and fixed his eyes on Hijikata with disquieting urgency.
"What's going on?" Kintoki's eyes didn't leave the chair next to Gintoki's as he put the question forward. Hijikata stared back at Gintoki's blond copy apprehensively and Gintoki found his previous buried anger at the droid for having once stolen his life resurge with a prickle of jealousy as Kintoki took Hijikata's cane and helped him sit on the chair. The lack of reaction on Hijikata's part gave Gintoki little comfort. Hijikata neither thanked nor rejected the droid's assistance. Yet, with the plan going forward, Gintoki wondered at the degree of that one-sided devotion and its reciprocity.
"I need you to return this man his memories," Gengai told Kintoki, "You and Tama retain the memories of these two men and they desire to have those memories back. Tama and I will attach the neurotransmission cable to the-"
Kintok, however, didn't let Gengai finish. He moved of his own accord and, disregarding Gengai's instructions, he approached Hijikata's chair, expression inscrutable, almost human.
"That won't be necessary," he said softly. He leaned down, grabbed Hijikata's face and, to Gintoki's utter horror, smashed their lips together, tongue slipping past vulnerable lips.
Gintoki screeched, Gengai rolled his eyes and Tama let out a soft 'oh' of surprise. There was a tiny flash of light and Hijikata's eyes widened before closing indefinitely. Despite Kintoki's vulgar liberties, the crass method seemed to work. His eyes remained open for a while, glimmering with a surge of encrypted code that soon dwindled, though Gintoki didn't stay conscious long enough to witness it. In his rage, he had gripped the arms of the customized dentist's chair so hard he had broken them, an action which hastened Tama to the rescue. She attached the neurotransmission cable to his neck, just above his cervical spine, and thwarted his attempt to cut his bold, blonde self in half.
There was another flash of light and Gintoki's last thought before passing out involved some sort of self-deprecating remark about his convulsing body and how Kintoki would have looked much worse if he had gotten his hands on him. Fortunately, Gintoki could not remember the details of Kintoki's torture when he came to an hour later with a gasp and a bout of vomiting directly into an empty bucket by his chair, a haul so violent it spilled all over the bucket and spattered an unfortunate stretch of Gengai's floor.
Gintoki threw up until his stomach was empty. Wave after wave of vomit scraped his throat sore. After the last two heaves, which had amounted to nothing but water and drool, he wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his kimono too disoriented to care. He took time adjusting to the faint white light Gengai had left on above the chairs. But for a moment Gintoki couldn't conceive the reason he was at the garage at all. He leaned back on the chair to regain his breath and instinct had him zipping down his shirt to check his chest for marks. Had he dreamt it? That tiny black mark that spelled Solitude?
His fingers traced the skin below his collarbone. He was clear.
"Ah, you're awake?" Gengai's voice rang with relief and he took a satisfied look at the bucket of vomit, "You threw up a lot. Good, good! That's a good sign, Ginnoji! A perfectly normal reaction. It means your body is trying to make space for the torrent of data Tama has injected into your brain. The Vice-Commander did it too, that's why we left you a bucket. We weren't so lucky the first time. Tama went out to get another mop."
"Is Hijikata here?" the words left Gintoki's mouth with difficulty, he could barely find the strength to say Hijikata's name. He rose to leave the chair but Gengai stopped him.
"The Vice-Commander is in the back waiting for you," he said, "There's no rush to go anywhere. Why don't you get your bearings first?"
Gengai was too practical and wrapped up in the success of their plan to consider Gintoki's feelings or the consequences of what they had done. An ironic turn of events. The concerns which had hassled the old man before the experiment had dispersed from his mind to go plague the one who had given them little thought before.
Gintoki nodded and watched for a while as Gengai labored about the garage taking away his dirty bucket to wash, looping cables around his hands and tucking them away in assorted boxes, putting away the film projector, pushing carts to and fro, and, at last, assessing the lifeless body on the chair next to Gintoki's. Gintoki hadn't noticed it until then. Kintoki lay on the chair beside him with half his face smashed in, one foggy eye facing the ceiling and another lost in a jumble of battered metal and frazzled wires still smoking.
"The Vice-Commander shows his gratitude in weird ways, doesn't he?" Gengai huffed, tinkering with the droid's broken parts, "Just when I had put him back together."
"That's what that rust-bucket gets for trying to be me." Gintoki replied bitterly, turning away from the droid.
Gengai shot him a befuddled look.
"Just get on outta here. I'll send you the bill later."
"Thanks, old man."
Gintoki climbed off the chair and walked past Gengai towards the back room at the end of the garage. He stopped before the door with silly anticipation. The five years of memories, feelings and thoughts Tama had injected into his brain unfolded and multiplied into millions. He could hardly believe this to be the same night he had persuaded Hijikata to follow him to Gengai's garage to put his mind back together, though persuade was too light a word. 'Coerced', 'threatened' perhaps were more suitable. Gintoki had acted as rashly as ever. Committed the same mistake as always.
You just had to go and do everything on your own.
Don't you get tired of getting your own way?
The door to the back room opened to reveal Hiikata sitting by Gengai's table smoking a cigarette, face expressionless.
Gintoki opened his mouth with nothing to say. The last time he had seen Hijikata he had left him bleeding at the front steps of the Makotogumi's inn. Then fighting side by side against an army of Planet Destroyers. And then, that other time, facing the hospital's linoleum floors with fresh tear tracks on his cheeks. Gintoki's chest ached with feelings he couldn't put in a proper order. It was easier to regret everything. He wanted to hide in shame and hold Hijikata in his arms at the same time.
"Hey."
Hijikata's eyes found him, clear and penetrating.
Words failed him. How could he say it. How could he ask for forgiveness? Yes, he had been selfish. Selfish and desperate and afraid. He had seen one too many heads rolling to put himself in that place again. He would go back to being the Corpse Eater, or the White Devil, or Enmi. He would bear the loneliness, sacrifice himself to a curse, kill himself over and over again. He would do all he had to and he would do it again if the circumstances were the same, if the lives of the people he loved were at stake. No matter how much he regretted his actions later, no matter how many times he would have to beg for forgiveness.
At least they were safe.
"I forgive you."
Gintoki's heart stopped. It wasn't often that Hijikata told him exactly what he wanted to hear and the way he did it so effortlessly and without guile was nothing if not unfair, leaving Gintoki to play the bad guy, a role he took gladly, seeking punishment.
"Are you trying to kill me with kindness?" Gintoki asked, eyes falling on the cane leaning against the wall by the door.
Hijikata put out his cigarette and shrugged.
"I'm desperate enough to try it."
Gintoki watched silently as Hijikata stood up without hindrance, no longer tethered to the invisible crippling wound in his leg. Gintoki's crime.
"Wanna come home with me?"
The question came unbidden, out of deeper reaches Gintoki was too numbed to identify. Hijikata nodded an affirmative, stunning Gintoki further. But they didn't leave before a solid fist met Gintoki's cheek and knocked him down.
"That's for Kondo-san."
Kagura and Shinpachi weren't home. A note was pinned to the Yorozuya's front door when Gintoki and Hijikata arrived at the apartment under the auspices of a full moon.
'We found Mr. Buttface peeing in Madao's box. Kyoko-chan was very happy. She invited us to stay at her house tonight but Shinpachi said he was too old for sleepovers. He is coming to pick me up tomorrow. Gin-chan, if you're not back by then I will disown you. Kagura.'
Gintoki smiled at the note written in a hurry and let himself and Hijikata inside. They moved like clockwork, few words shared between them. Hijikata slipped out of his shoes and went straight to the bathroom. The sound of running water quickly filled the silent recesses of the apartment and accompanied Gintoki as he discarded his boots and went about turning the place hospitable. He turned a few lights on, headed to the kitchen to put the kettle on and stopped by his room to pick a fresh change of clothes for the two of them before joining Hijikata in the bathroom.
Hijikata had already scrubbed clean and was soaking in the tub when Gintoki came in.
"Can't you wait your turn?" Hijikata grumbled.
"No."
Gintoki sat down on the small bench by the bathtub and washed himself with soap until he could no longer smell or recall the stench of vomit. He caught the bashful looks Hijikata sent his way, but he knew better than to judge them by their superficial value.
"I don't have the marks. I checked." he said a bit more obstinate then he wished.
"I wasn't looking." Hijikata retorted, tearing his gaze away.
Gintoki ignored the testy response and stood up.
"Scoot over."
"What? Wait- don't!"
Hijikata protested and pushed Gintoki's feet away as he got in the tub behind him. Water spilled over the edge and cascaded down the side of the tub towards the drain on the floor. Gintoki's arms enclosed around Hijikata's torso and he buried his nose in the wet locks of his hair. For a minute there was nothing but silence and the soft patter of water as it dripped all over the bathroom. Gintoki couldn't remember the last time he had felt more at peace. No voices haunting him, no ceaseless whispering, no curse. Just his heartbeat and Hijikata's not far off, pulsing steadily below his fingertips.
"What are you, a koala?" Hijikata groaned.
Gintoki tightened his grip and one of his hands touched the silky smooth skin of Hijikata's right thigh under water.
"Is this what you forgave me for?"
Hijikata stilled.
"No."
"What then?"
"Everything."
"Why?" Gintoki held him tighter, riled up, "Are you in a rush to forget those five years after all you went through to remember them?"
"I didn't want to. I didn't ask for any of this." Hijikata said quietly.
"Then what were you doing shut in your room?"
"Trying to get some peace. You were the one who made me leave it."
"Well, it was either that or…" Gintoki's words ran from him, refusing to be uttered. The back braced against his chest felt cold, drops of water slid down its pale length as if its skin was made of porcelain. Gintoki kissed it to reassure himself of its warmth.
"That or what?" Hijikata asked.
"Losing you."
A splash of water followed Hijikata as he stood up violently. Gintoki's fingers brushed futile against Hijikata's slick wrist.
"You want me to be thankful for that?! What do you know? I mourned you for years." Hijikata snapped.
Gintoki didn't have the strength to fight back. He let Hijikata go while dread pooled at the bottom of his stomach. Enough bathwater had spilled for Gintoki to feel cold and now that Hijikata had left, a biting chill froze him to the bone. He pulled the bath plug and got out.
The apartment was still and untouched, just as Gintoki had left it. A few lights illuminated the living room. A thin column of vapor rose from the mouth of the kettle in the kitchen. Were it not for the second pair of shoes in the hall and the inch of door leading to Gintoki's bedroom, he would have believed Hijikata gone, retired to the barracks never to be seen again. But Gintoki didn't know if seeing him sat by his bedroom window, smoking listlessly, was any better. They had burst open the crack connecting their two realities but now another had emerged, fruit of their choices and the urge to sacrifice one's happiness for the sake of the other.
"You and me, we keep going around in circles, repeating each other's mistakes." Gintoki said, closing the bedroom door behind him.
"Then why can't you leave it alone?" Hijikata said, framed by moonlight, "You just want to be punished."
"And you want to forget everything like nothing ever happened!" Gintoki cried out.
Hijikata had already pulled out their futons. The two mattresses lay next to each other on the floor with no space in between.
"What the fuck were you thinking kissing me like that?" Gintoki carried on, powerless to stop the bellyaching need to purge the past from his mind, the regret, the fear, "What if you got the curse?! What if you brought it with you along with your fucked up memories?"
"You killed Enmi, does your perm-brain not get it?" Hijikata replied, clutching at his temple, "It's impossible for me to be cursed when the source of the curse doesn't exist anymore!"
"You weren't supposed to remember any of it either but here we are!"
"That's 'cause your copy was defective. I'm sure you can see the irony."
"I'm sure you can take the fucking irony and shove it up your ass! You ungrateful piece of shit!"
Hijikata took one last drag of his cigarette and put it out on the astray he kept hidden on the balcony. After he was done, he closed the window and turned to Gintoki with a resigned expression.
"You know, there's only one curse I bear and I won't be parted from it."
"Hijikata."
Gintoki couldn't speak. Hijikata walked towards him slowly, hurtling each word straight to Gintoki's heart, hoping to have them seared in that obscure, senseless instrument.
"I am already indebted to you. You saved us. My life is yours, what more do you want?"
The answer came easy and prompt to Gintoki.
"Take mine then. It's only fair."
"What?"
"Take it or leave it, I won't ask again."
Hijikata breathed roughly, incredulous. His cheeks warmed with color and he looked away, shaking his head.
"Ah forget it, you're too stupid. Do you even know what you're saying? I'm tired, let's-"
Gintoki, however, did not let him escape. He grabbed the collar of Hijikata's yukata and turned him around, yearning to have him as close as possible.
"You're infuriating, you know that? One minute you're rhapsodizing about how much you love me and the next you can't even take my proposal seriously."
Hijikata opened his mouth without avail.
"Please say yes."
Gintoki's hands traveled up towards Hijikata's cheeks and the flush underneath his fingers gave him enough hope to brandish a smile.
"Begging doesn't suit you."
"And dishonesty doesn't suit you, Vice-Commander."
"You already know my answer." Hijikata said at last.
He had gone back in time to save Gintoki even though he had had no idea Enmi could be defeated, even though he had expected Gintoki to be cursed again, even though he had expected to lose Gintoki again, to live through five years of heartache. The only reason Hijikata had gone back in time had been to ensure Gintoki lived no matter how briefly, no matter how short he would have been in people's lives. No matter how little Hijikata would have been a part of his life. To Hijikata that was better than never having had Gintoki at all. And Gintoki knew. Gintoki remembered all the hardships Hijikata had gone through. The way he had plucked that staff from Hijikata's leg, the way he had wiped the tears from his eyes on the hospital ward, he remembered everything. Even that pale face inside a dirty old shack. A feeling that withstood time itself.
Hijikata ran his fingers through Gintoki's hair.
"It was stupid of you to get your memories back too."
"Shut up."
"I'll stay with you until these turn white."
"Be careful what you wish for."
Hijikata pulled at Gintoki's curls harder, eyes gleaming with desire.
"No more jokes."
Gintoki smiled.
"Five years is a lot of time to make up for."
"Then get to it."
It was late in the morning the following day when Gintoki woke up to Kagura's yelling. The door to his room slid open with alien strength, bumped off its axis, and before Gintoki knew it, an elbow drop worthy of a professional wrestler accompanied a shrill scream.
"HOW DARE YOU, GIN-CHAN!"
She jumped right over Gintoki and Hijikata's sleeping forms on the futon and her elbow found an unfortunate target in Hijikata's belly. He gasped once with eyes wide open, doubled over in pain, and fell back unconscious on the mattress.
"What the hell, Kagura! I just got him back!" Gintoki cried out, clutching at the bed covers.
"LIAR!" Kagura, bemoaned, "Gin-chan, you liar! I can't believe you bailed on us and Kiyoko-chan to have a sleepover with Mayora! How dare you!"
"O-Oi-Oi-Oi! Kagura-chan! That's- this-this is n-not, definitely NOT what a sleepover is like!" Shinpachi screeched at the threshold of the bedroom.
Gintoki rolled his eyes, oblivious to the fact he was butt naked, and dodged one punch from Kagura at the last second. Her fist drilled a hole through the floor and Shinpachi and Gintoki's cries rose another notch as they beheld the wood splinters ripping through the tatami mat.
"What are you doing! Kagura-chan, stop it!"
"Are you trying to sic the downstairs devil on us!? I'm sorry I forgot about the cat!"
Kagura sat down in the middle of the futon, arms crossed.
"Carry on." she said.
"Tama helped me find a way to help Hijikata. Everything happened too fast and there was no time to lose, I just- I forgot to tell you guys, okay?!"
"But you didn't invite us to your sleepover! I invited you to ours! I left a note!" Kagura spat back.
"That's 'cause t-this-this isn't a sleepover, Kagura-chan!" Shinpachi yelped, adjusting his glasses nervously, "W-why don't you come help me with b-breakfast!?"
Kagura was silent for a moment, examining Gintoki's flustered, angry face and Hijikata's still unconscious shape beside him. Slowly but surely a thought began to assemble in her mind and once it settled she sprung to her feet delighted.
"Oh, I see!" she exclaimed with hands clasped, "Mayora didn't receive his paycheck this month so he was paying you with his body. How sad for you, Gin-chan. Kyoko-chan paid us ten thousand yen for finding Mr. Buttface. You won't mind if we keep it, right?"
Gintoki stuttered perplexed, embarrassed and affronted all in one. Shinpachi's glasses glinted wickedly as he joined Kagura's plea.
"You owe us two months of pay, Gin-san. I think, for once, Kagura is talking sense. We're going to split the money between the two of us. We can't help it if you bailed on us to finish a job all by yourself, right?"
"Right." Kagura nodded. She got up and followed Shinpachi out.
"Hey, you two come back here! I'm still the one in charge! You can't decide to split the payment however you want! Get back here!"
The front door shut before Gintoki could find his underwear. He slumped dejected on the futon as Kagura's happy tune drifted away along with hers and Shinpachi's footsteps. Ten thousand yen for a lost and found? Were they messing with him?
Gintoki had all but forgotten Hijikata's quiet frame next to his when he felt a warm hand clutch his chin and pull him close.
"What's this about payment?" Hijikata asked gravely.
Gintoki had a hard time swallowing as Hijikata tightened his grip.
"N-Nothing! They were just joking!"
"So I was a job?"
"Well, kinda," Gintoki croaked, "Kondo came to us for help with your memory problem and he said the payment could be anything I wanted."
Hijikata's eyes widened for a second and Gintoki took from his parted lips the implied meaning of Kondo's payment. His lips were sweet and plump and incredibly inviting even after a full night at it. Gintoki buried his hands in Hijikata's hair, angling his head just right, tongue searching for tender spots he knew would draw out a moan. When Hijikata pulled back he might as well have done it just to spite him.
"But you'd rather be paid in money?" Hijikata asked.
"Actually, a week's worth of strawberry parfaits would be-"
"I'm gonna fucking kill you, bastard."
AN: Crossposted from AO3. Complete.