As the crew reunited, they decided they should split up into small groups to ensure that the assassins couldn't discover Robin's real location. The groups not guarding Robin would have more freedom to evade and escape pursuit through the alleys and buildings- or at least that was the theory- while making it more difficult for anyone who didn't have a keen sense of smell to find her. Meanwhile the first group to the docks would steal a ship, and then they would defend it against attackers.
Unfortunately, this decision was unilaterally ratified in a split-second committee by a majority consisting of just Luffy, so the party groupings mostly depended on who each person had landed next to after being lobbed off of the top of the Grand Courthouse and bouncing off of a Luffy-balloon.
Naruto went with Usopp. Zoro went with Chopper. Sanji went with Nami. Franky was alone, having left before any of them. Finally, Robin was the person they were sure Lucci would be going after, so Sasuke would continue to carry the incapacitated woman back to the docks while Luffy leapt ahead to find and guard them both.
With Naruto providing his own personal last-minute addition to the plan, the crew separated, darting through the city streets as they made their way back to the docks.
-Enies Lobby-
-Usopp and Naruto Group-
Usopp, Naruto and Sasuke ran through the streets of the Island of Justice, with Sasuke carrying Robin by piggy-back. At least, that was what they had hoped it would look like.
"Shit, they saw us," muttered Robin(?), her normally refined voice turned coarse, "They popped a flare."
"Eh?!" shouted Usopp as they turned a street corner, dodging through twisting alleyways to evade notice. "That's really bad, isn't it?!"
"No, dumbass," said Sasuke(?), "-we made these decoys 'cause we wanted them to be followed, you know?"
Before they had split apart, Naruto had distributed a Sasuke clone- Narusuke- and a Robin clone- Narobin- to each of the groups, and now they were reaping the benefits of their distraction ploy. The Sasuke clone was well-practiced and perfectly-made, but the Robin clone had to keep her head down lest it be made clear how lumpy and horrible she looked. Improvised transformation was really not his best skill.
"I don't know what I have to do to get you bozos to understand this, Naruto, but I don't want to be followed!" cried Usopp.
"Look," stated the true Naruto, "We're fine. If someone's coming after us then we just gotta fight or evade to keep the heat off of Robin."
"Evade! Evade!" cried Usopp, "I vote evade! Who found us?!"
"It's that guy who looks like a weird kabuki actor," muttered Narobin, glancing back over her shoulder.
"What the hell's a 'kabuki?!'"
"Seriously?" asked Naruto in disbelief, "Wait, if you guys don't have kabuki where you come from, then how come this guy looks like a kabuki actor?" he shook his head. "Whatever, it's that white-faced guy with the crazy hair, and he's coming this way."
"Shit! Hide in here!" Usopp cried out, pulling the real Naruto inside a side door on the next building they came to. Narusuke and Narobin followed on their heels.
They had made it into the side entrance of some sort of managerial building. Papers were scattered as thoroughly as the furniture was, likely the result of the marauding Franky Family some time in the recent past.
"Ah! Goddamnit, be careful where you grab me, man!" Naruto winced in pain from the sudden rough treatment, realigning the makeshift sling his broken right arm was resting in.
"Geez, you're bleeding! When the hell did that happen?!"
"Hey, I was up against two of those guys when you all were hanging out on the other side, thank you very much. Figures that after all I said about avoiding Rob Lucci, I end up getting into a no-holds-barred knockout brawl with him."
"Aw, shit, shit, shit, we can't fight them like this!" Usopp looked around the room in a panic. Together, the four of them hurried onwards into the next room, coming to a wide staircase leading up to another level.
At that moment, the door they had entered through was thrown open violently, and the four of them ducked into cover behind the banisters. Their pursuer's voice rang out- a high, awkwardly pitched shout, sliding up and down the scale in a forced and affected singsong voice.
"I have found you- Ah! I say, I have FOUND you now, Evildoers! Today, your luck has ended, for you see, now you must face me! Kumadori! YOYOI-! He who has trained on the mountain, and become a Sage! Pure of Heart, and Pure of Body!"
Now they had a good look at the guy. Probably ten feet tall, with white-painted skin, wild light-pink hair, and wearing a black dress-suit, the man carried a metal temple staff adorned with loose rings.
"Can you distract him with some clones?" Usopp whispered.
"Yeah, but… I fought him for a little bit up in the tower, and I don't think the clones will last very long. He's got this hair thing he does... Dammit, I could kick his ass if I could use my arm. I mean, I might be able to beat him anyway, but if I'm wrong he'll kill us..." Naruto blinked as an idea came to him. "Still, he's a Sage, huh…?"
Narusuke piped up next, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"
"Damn straight… If he's a Sage, then we've got his number. I'll make some clones, and when he goes after 'em, we make a break up these stairs." Everyone nodded. Naruto flashed a seal.
[HAREM NO JUTSU]
With a blast of chakra, eight naked blonde women exploded into being, causing Usopp to stifle a squeak as his eyes literally popped out of his head. The clones dashed around the corner to engage their opponent at close-range, while Naruto, Narobin, Narusuke, and Usopp rushed up the stairs and then down a nearby dark hallway, looking to put some distance between them and the CP9 assassin. Hopefully they'd be able to duck out of a window, or at least knock down a wall.
They had just barely made it past the halfway point in the long, dusty hallway when Naruto's eyes widened and he tackled Usopp into the next room on his right. As all four of them tumbled to a stop, Usopp started to yell a complaint to the young ninja, but Naruto slapped his hand over the sniper's mouth. Slowly, he peered around the door back into the hallway he had just left.
Struggling noises and yelps announced the arrival of their pursuer. The sexy clones didn't appear to have slowed him down in the slightest. In fact, three of Naruto's clones were still caught up in the curls of his wildly thrashing hair, disappearing one by one as they were crushed.
"Dammit," muttered Naruto. "I think I got a defective Sage."
"What?!" hissed Usopp.
"Tell you later. Looks like we've gotta find a way out of this that doesn't rely on lechery."
Looking around, they spied a window letting some amount of light into their darkened store-room, but the window was built firmly into the wall with no means of opening it short of breaking it and alerting their pursuer to their presence.
Usopp scurried quietly around the room, looking for anything to help them. Finally, lifting a dust-sheet that covered a large piece of old furniture, he turned to the others with a grim expression.
"I think I might have an idea."
Each Naruto stared blankly at the object beneath the curtain for a moment before the real one whispered back.
"Awesome. This will be the dumbest thing I've ever done."
Kumadori stalked down the hallway, his well-honed predator's sense telling him that his prey was still near. As he moved, the metal rings of his staff jingled in the silence.
"Yoyoi! I see- Ah! I say, I SEE that you have learned some clever tricks, oh young ones! Your duplicity, immorality, and –nay! Dare I say it?! DECEIT -knows no bounds! I am a Sage! I am a Lion! And though the Buddha may forgive you, I, Kumadori, cannot!"
Sticking his head into room after room revealed nothing except darkness and musty scents. This section of the building had clearly been turned over to aging furniture long ago.
"Ah! You may run, and you may- I say- you maaaay hide! But my Deeeear Mother up in heaven is even now looking down upon me. She will guide me to your hiding place, you deplorable, miserable- ah!- DESPICABLE- Wretches!"
Another room down, only a few more to go. Then, a rustling of cloth made Kumadori turn his head. Something was moving further down the hall. A moment later there was a POOF of smoke, and then a croaky voice as if from a very crotchety old lady.
Actually, it sounded a lot like the voice of his dear mother.
"Gosh-dernit, boy! You had ta go 'n summon me up now?! I was in the middle-a makin' lunch fer the hubby!"
Like a stampeding bull, Kumadori burst out of the room he had been searching and wheeled into the room three doors down. The room beyond was dark, just like the others, and filled with furniture covered in black cloth to protect it from dust. A single sturdy window illuminated the inside, casting light down across dancing dust motes.
In the center of the room sat a toad. A tiny, very angry-looking toad with a purple head and purple lips.
Actually, it looked a lot like the face of his dear mother.
Kumadori stared at the toad. "Yo…yoi?" he asked, tentatively.
The toad glared at him. It said, "Croak."
Kumadori blinked. Was a toad supposed to actually say 'croak', or… For that matter, what was it doing here? After a moment of fruitless consideration, Kumadori resolved to ignore it completely. Who was he to speak on matters of toads? He resumed looking around the room.
"I knooooowww that you're in here, -ah!- criminals! You cannot run from me, Kumadori!"
After a moment, he saw what he was looking for- a rustling behind an immensely tall piece of covered furniture. With a single stride, Kumadori grabbed the sheet and yanked it away.
"Ah-HAH! I've found you now, you- Oh!"
When the sheet was removed, Kumadori could finally see what it had been covering. Standing before him was the empty frame of a tremendous floor-length mirror that had long since lost its glass. Inside, a figure stared back at him.
Naruto, Usopp, Narusuke, and Narobin had found the largest black cloth in the room and wrapped themselves up in it. Usopp was currently staggering under the weight of all three of the Narutos. With Usopp as the legs, Naruto as the head, and the clones clinging onto their sides as the arms and extra padding for the bulky torso, they looked like they were the most promising contender for the title of 'World's Lumpiest Body-Builder'.
Naruto had transformed the long, white hair he used when he wanted to impersonate Jiraiya, and had even pulled out a tin of white face-paint from god-knows-where to make the entirely unconvincing illusion complete. They now looked like an abominable parody of the man that had chased them inside.
Kumadori glared at the figure inside the mirror, and the misshapen monstrosity glared back.
A long moment passed.
"Yoyoi…" Kumadori muttered, dejectedly patting his sides as the lumpy duplicate in front of him carefully mimicked the action, "I've really let myself go... I wonder why no one said anything… I mean, I wish they had at least cared enough to tell me..."
After a few seconds he appeared to regain his vigor. "Still, reshaping my body is no problem for one who has mastered transcendence and become a Sage!"
[SEIMEI-KIKAN] - [LIFE-RETURN]
In an instant, Kumadori's massive body twisted and contorted, changing to several different forms. Thin, to fat, to muscular, to athletic, then back to his normal bulky size. With quiet grunts and curses the figure in the mirror squished and squeezed and teetered to match him, until a muffled voice could almost barely be heard saying, "Agh, get your fake boobs outta my face, you dick."
Kumadori frowned and narrowed his eyes. Something odd was happening here, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it...
[SENPO: GAMA-SAIMIN] - [SAGE ART: TOAD-HYPNOSIS]
His thoughts were interrupted as he realized he was hearing something very unusual. It sounded like a frog's song, or a chorus of toads, but he couldn't really be sure which. What did he know about amphibians, anyway? Were toads amphibians? He had spent all that time up in the mountains, so he wasn't sure. He tried to focus, but it seemed to slip from his mind as soon as his attention slackened for even a moment. Shaking his head in confusion, he staggered backward, then immediately forgot all about it.
Was he in a dream? It sure felt like he was. Everything around him seemed both real and unreal. Was it really that odd to hear your reflection talk at you? Really?
There was that frog-song again. Again, he forgot about it.
All of a sudden, a voice spoke up. It sounded like an old woman talking from a point very nearby.
Actually, it sounded exactly like his dear mother.
"Kumadori-boy. Listen to me carefully, ya hear? Open the window, so you can see outside."
Dazed, the CP9 member looked around. No one was present except for him and his reflection. For a moment his gaze fell back upon the toad who was now holding her face with her tiny hand, as if in exasperation. He looked away. The toad wasn't important.
Kumadori walked over to the window and pushed at it. It wouldn't budge. It was a sturdy wooden affair built into the wall itself, and was not designed to be opened.
"The window is closed!" he warbled. "It can't be opened!"
"Kumadori-boy, I don't want none of yer excuses! Open the window!"
Responding to the voice of unassailable elderly authority, Kumadori immediately kicked the window in, knocking the entire frame out of the wall in a blast of abused rubble.
"The door is oooopen!" he shouted, though he wasn't sure why.
"Good," said the ancient voice, "Now turn around, you, and step out into the hall."
Kumadori did so. As he walked, he contemplated matters, though his mind still seemed fuzzy. Was this really his mother speaking to him? Was she in the room with him? Why had she wanted the window opened? Was she outside the window even now?
Kumadori looked over his shoulder. His lumpy, misshapen reflection had stepped out of the mirror and was climbing carefully over the edge of the ragged hole where the window used to be. He looked at the reflection in shock, and it looked back with a similar expression.
They stood there for a long moment, frozen in place.
"Ahhh! I see, I see how it is! I have been fooled! I say, I have been FOOLED!" Bringing his hand up to his face, Kumadori began to weep.
Unnoticed by Kumadori, Naruto and the others began readying themselves for combat.
"I have been fooling- ah! FOOLING myself this whole time! Yes! It's so clear now! This reflection is my Soul, and this mirror is my Body! This building- is the Cycle of Rebirth! It is the Great Wheel of Heaven that turns and attends to each and every soul in its time! My reflection- my soul- desires to be set free! By breaking the window and stepping out of the building, it shows me that I must leave the cycle and transcend that fateful Wheel of Heaven by letting go of my earthly desires!"
As Kumadori continued his weeping monologue, the four figures wrapped up in the black cloth held a furiously whispered conversation, then continued the awkward effort of maneuvering themselves through the broken window-hole.
"That was what my Deeaaarr Mother wished to tell me! Now that I have achieved Enlightenment, I am finally able to step beyond the mortal world. I am ready! I am ready! Ah~! Mother! Now, I shall commit- Seppuku!" Kumadori brought his metal staff up to point to his abdomen then drove it into his own stomach at fatal speed.
[SHIGAN-CUE]
[TEKKAI]
The staff impacted with a force that would have torn through any normal flesh like a hot steel rod through butter, but was stopped as he reflexively hardened his own body through the mystical Six-Techniques Iron-Body Training. The noise of the impact sounded more like he had attempted to fire a cannonball through a metal wall. Sobbing, he collapsed to the ground.
"Mother! Still, you protect me with your divine mercy? Is it too soon? Mother!" He could see her. He could see his mother before him, wrinkled toad-like face and all. He reached out and gently grasped her. "Mother! I see you! Why do you protect me still? What is it that I must learn?!"
His mother scowled at him with a familiar expression, twisting and writhing in his grip.
"GET YER HANDS OFF ME YA CRAZY LOON! I AIN'T YER MOTHER!" the toad shouted right in his face.
His jaw dropped open three feet wide, only stopping when it collided with the floor. Dumbstruck, he dropped the toad to the ground, and it disappeared an instant later. Slowly returning to his senses, he spun around. His reflection was escaping from the rooftops, preparing to leap down to the street-level below.
[SORU]
In a flash, Kumadori was through the window with a flurry of Six-Techniques Soru Kicks, leaping in front of his wayward reflection. With a kick off of the air, he redirected his momentum and came right back at the escaping figure.
"RETURN TO THE CYCLE OF REBIRTH, WAYWARD SOUL!" he roared, doing credit to the lions that he adored. In a wide sweep, Kumadori's staff struck the black-clad figure like a ping-pong paddle, smashing it back into the lower floors of the same building it had just left. The two Naruto clones cushioned the impact before disappearing, and Naruto and Usopp blasted through the wooden walls of a lower courtyard. Finally, rolling and tumbling head over heels, they came to a stop inside a well-furnished lobby of some sort.
Above the action, Rob Lucci leapt back and forth through the sky, observing Kumadori and the Straw-Hats. Taking a deep breath, he sniffed the air and then shook his head, dashing away from the battlefield in search of a different target.
Cursing and groaning, with Naruto cradling his aggravated arm, the two stood up and stumbled away down a nearby hallway that was wide and well-lit. The floor was an ornately-decorated rich-blue carpet, and portraits lined the walls on one side while spacious windows to the street lined the other.
"Oh, man, oh man, oh man, this is really bad…" moaned Usopp, "Gotta get out of here, gotta get out of here…"
Slowly finding their feet, Usopp rushed over to one of the windows, moving to unlatch it and escape. No sooner had he started than the light from outside began to dim.
[SEIMEI KIKAN: SHISHIGAMI] - [LIFE RETURN: LION'S MANE]
Quickly, like slithering snakes, a curtain of pale-pink hair slid across the panes of glass. Up and down the hall, the same thing was happening. From the direction of the entrance they heard the booming voice of their pursuer chase them through the hole they had made in the wall.
"LISTEN AND FEAR, -AH!- EVILDOERS! NO LONGER SHALL I BE FOOLED BY YOUR TRICKERY- I SAY- TRICKERY THAT WOULD MAKE EVEN A DEMON WEEP TEARS OF SHAME! NOW, THERE IS NO ESCAPE! MY HAIR, TEMPERED BY MY BODY'S ENERGY, IS HARDER THAN STEEL!"
"Aw, shit!" cursed Usopp, scrabbling down the hall, looking for an exit, "He's gonna come in any moment now! Quick, in here!" He passed by a set of grand double-doors and ducked into a smaller side-entrance about twenty feet down. Naruto watched him with an odd expression, then followed him inside.
Through the door, a narrow passageway up a small flight of stairs led to an immense, ornate room. Usopp and Naruto stood on a raised wooden platform with a lectern set in front of the largest chalkboard they had ever seen. On the other side of the room, tiered rows of seating platforms were arrayed, each one lined with small pillows. The walls were adorned with decorations, weapons, and masks. All-in-all, it looked like a strange cross between a lecture hall and a theatre stage, but it was probably used for making presentations to Marine officials.
The two had arrived through an entrance meant for an instructor or presenter, and had had to pass through a hidden alcove where a person could collect themselves before stepping out onto the platform.
What was distinctly lacking was a way to escape their current predicament.
"Aw, crap-crap-crap!" shouted Usopp. With panic in his eyes, he whirled on Naruto. "Quick, you seemed to guess a lot about him- do you know any more weaknesses we can use? Anything to get us out of here?!"
Naruto frowned, squinting his eyes in thought. "Man, I dunno. Like, in some ways he's kinda like the guy who taught me a lot of what I know. All the toads and stuff, they're all from him. This guy's got the same wild hair he can turn to steel, the sort-of kabuki theme, the whole 'Sage' thing, and the kind of warped world-view… but in other ways they're really different, you know?"
"No, I don't know! You don't have ANYTHING we can use?"
"Well, I didn't say that…" he said, scratching at his cheek.
"What about that kabuki thing? What's that about?"
"It's a sort of really weird, stylized play that gets put on for hours and hours. I don't really get it, but some people get really involved…" Then Naruto opened his eyes wide and focused on Usopp again. "Anyway, listen. Forget that for a sec. Don't you think you're acting weird?"
Usopp goggled his eyes at the other teenager. "What?! What the hell is this about?! Is it weird to want to get out of here alive?!"
"No, man, not like that… It's like… You know, you're always saying you wanna be a big hero, right? A Warrior of the Sea, or whatever? But every time you move you're always trying to run, or hide, or something?"
Usopp glared at him. "Oh, yeah, thanks. Thanks a lot, buddy. That's really what we need right now- a comprehensive list of my personal failings."
Naruto shook his head wildly, "No, no-nonono! Aw man, see, Sasuke's usually better at putting this stuff into words than I am… I don't mean I think you need to get better at all that, but… Look, if you look at me, I'm kind of a head-on sort of fighter, but that's not really how we ninja do things. Or, at least, that's not how we try to do things. I know our team gets in a lot of big, flashy fights… But any ninja needs to be like- what's the word… you know, like clever but with plans and subtlety, and all that stuff?"
"Crafty? Devious?"
"Yeah, devious! That's what I'm saying! See, you know what I'm talking about, you just don't know it, yet."
"Know it, b-but don't… wait, we really don't have time for this heart-to-heart, Naruto. That guy's gonna come bursting in here in a few minutes and we're gonna get shish-kabob'd quick unless we find a way to escape."
"No, no, wait, that's what I'm saying," said Naruto, stepping up and poking the other guy in the chest, "Are you sure you're not trying to be something you're not? Look, I'm injured, and he's not a good opponent for a sniper even on the best of days."
Naruto grinned, looking at Usopp expectantly. "As long as he's keeping us in here we might get beaten in a straight up fight, but we don't have to choose between just fighting him and running away."
Usopp continued to glare back at Naruto. "You want us to lay a trap for him or something?"
"Yeah! Or something! Look, Sasuke and me, we spent all our childhood pranking people who could have kicked our asses, making them look like idiots, and I loved it. I mean I've got a few ideas that might work here myself, and I might even be able to beat him just like this, but I'm thinking about you here."
"Usopp, when I look at you all I can see is when everyone's telling you to fight, you wanna evade. When everyone wants you to play fair, you wanna shoot paint in their eyes. When everyone wants you to come out and fight, you wanna hide. Yelling at that Marine Captain on the ship? Shooting rotten eggs in that bomber's mouth? What you did with the mirror just now? All that's hilarious! And just a minute ago when you saw we were trapped in here, you went right to asking me about his weaknesses, trying to get an unfair advantage. And that's awesome!"
Usopp's glare dropped into a puzzled expression, but he didn't say anything, letting Naruto continue.
"So why do you wanna be a big stand-up warrior like those other chumps? It hurts me to see you trying to play their game, ya know? Try being a ninja for a change. If you wanna be like a ninja instead of a warrior, we're gonna need to hide, run, sneak, cheat, and lie to get out of this."
Usopp swallowed a nervous knot in his throat and took deep breath.
About ten seconds passed before, finally, "You need me to lie to him?"
The Straw-Hat's professional liar paused again. "Yeah… yeah, I think I can manage that."
-Five Minutes Later-
"Hey you're a surprisingly good artist, ya know?" admired Naruto, looking at the design coming alive on the back wall.
"Heh, I'll have you know that I painted the design on our flag. That skull and crossbones is one-hundred percent my work."
"Awesome. But why do the Marines even have multiple colors of chalk here, anyway?"
"What, you think an Admiral is gonna settle for just white chalk? Pshh! Come on! Anyway, you've got more stuff to do. Ready to lure him in here?"
Ten minutes later, Kumadori was carefully searching this part of the building. The rooms in this wing were surprisingly large, which made it difficult to search while also making sure no one slipped by him. Eventually he settled for creating a wall with his hair every time he looked into a room, then slowly advancing the wall whenever he was done searching an area. A lesser man might have become tangled in his own hair, but as a Sage he was capable of growing his hair as fast as he could run.
There weren't many places left to hide, but still his instincts told him his prey was nearby.
Then he saw what he was looking for. A side-entrance to one of the large conference rooms had peeked open, then carefully closed again.
Gotcha.
Kumadori dashed forward and kicked down the door protecting his adversaries. Running through the passage and leaping up the stairs, he burst through the waiting area and onto the stage.
"Ah-hah! I've caught you now, you wild vagabonds- Oh!"
The stage he stood upon was well-lit from above, and the seating area was dim, but he could just make out several dozen figures sitting seiza gazing down upon him from the audience seating. He was now standing center-stage, and his presence was met by a smattering of restrained applause and kakegoe.
He turned, hair still pouring back to the entryway, and saw what appeared to be a richly-drawn backdrop of a sun-dappled castle behind him. Kumadori was just processing this when someone called out to him in a stage-whisper from the entryway he had just left.
"Hey! Big guy! Over here!"
A figure in a long-nosed black Tengu mask was beckoning him over from behind the ropes of Kumadori's long hair. Kumadori approached hesitantly, casting an apologetic glance to the disappointed audience as he left the stage.
"I'm so sorry, sir, I didn't mean to interrupt your performance, only I've been searching for some escaped fugitives and-"
"Sorry?!" exclaimed the figure in the black Tengu outfit, "This guy is our savior, arrived from the heavens to make sure the show goes on and he's saying sorry." He shook his head. "Condoriano, are you hearing this guy?"
From further back in the alcove, a male voice groaned in pain. Most groans are fairly low-key affairs, being an entry-to-mid-level position on the scale of crippling pain, but this was a herculean moan. Normally, people who are in a certain amount of pain begin to progress onward into more experimental methods of letting the world know just how unpleasant life is for them, but not this man.
It sounded like his liver was being devoured by squirrels, but he was too proud to move on to screaming.
Kumadori raised his eyebrows in alarm. "Is that man okay?"
"What, Condoriano?!" the masked man paused to laugh, loud and jovial as if spreading a wonderful joke, before suddenly sobering so seriously that it sounded as if he were speaking of a death in the family, "No. No, it's quite bad. See for yourself, but don't say I didn't warn you."
Without pause, Tengu pulled back a privacy curtain, showing the man behind it writhing in pain on a few hastily-arranged cushions.
"Ah! You didn't warn me!"
Naruto had gone with the transformation he used when he wanted to impersonate his master, Jiraiya. The figure on the bed had a deathly pallor and he was wailing, moaning, and grasping his hands in the air as if fending off invisible spectres. Even though the man was twisted by intense pain, Kumadori could make out someone who was a kindred spirit.
"Ohhhhhhhhh!" moaned Condoriano, in Jiraiya's voice. "OHHHHHHHH!"
Tengu clicked his tongue. "Our star performer, Condoriano, laid low by an illness just minutes before the start of our performance… what a sad, sad story..."
"Ohhhhhhhhh! Who would have thought that I'd catch four cases of syphilis at the same time! In addition to my other numerous diseases! OHHHHHHHH!"
Again, Tengu clicked his tongue and shook his head in sorrow. "And four is an unlucky number, to boot. Today we were supposed to be raising donations for the International Order of Buddhist Enlightenment, but now we have no one to go on stage in his place."
"Ohhhhhhhhh! If only my apprentice, Naruto, were here now! I'm so old and horribly decrepit, and he's already so much better than me in every way! OHHHHHHH!"
"Well, your apprentice has a tendency to overact a bit, but that's okay!" said Tengu, "We'd take anyone! Anyone with even a basic grounding in the art of kabuki! But, alas-"
Again, Tengu clicked his tongue and shook his head in sorrow, but now there were tears in his eyes.
"Alas… There is no such person..."
"Ohhhhhhhhh! What the hell kind of name is Condoriano, anyway?! It's so laaaame! OHHHHHHHH!"
Kumadori had to interrupt, "Did he just say his own name was 'lame?'"
"Don't listen to him, he's delirious. But yes, he is terribly lame."
"Ohhhhhhhhh! Screw youuuu! Wait-wait, you there!" Condoriano reached out with one trembling hand to point at Kumadori.
Kumadori's eyes widened, he looked around hurriedly, then pointed to himself. "Ah- M-Me?"
"Yeeessss! I can see it! I can see the soul of the lion inside you! You could play this part in my place!"
"Wha-?"
"Yes!" shouted Tengu, "Yes! I agree! You're perfect for it! Oh, I'm so glad that you're here to help us!"
"ME?!" cried Kumadori, "But I don't even know the script!"
Pretending to inspect the man, Tengu carefully walked around the large, black-clad assassin, briefly ducking underneath the long river of hair still connecting him to the hallway outside. As he moved behind, Tengu gave a quick signal off into the darkness.
Suddenly, Kumadori heard a frog's song. Then he forgot about it.
Tengu was quick to reassure the immense man. "No, no, no, for one as perfect as you, this will be incredibly simple. Why, you could practically wing it! Otherwise, think of those poor, starving monks!"
"W-wing it?! But kabuki is a- it's an incredibly refined-" Kumadori frowned, uncertain of what he had been planning to say. He tried again, "For that matter, aren't Buddhist monks sworn to poverty… and- and fasting..." He paused again. "Well, could you at least tell me what the play is about?"
Tengu stepped in close, clapping one hand on the man's shoulder. Due to the difference in height, he had to jump quite high for this. "That's the spirit! Oh, before I give you the run-down… do you think you'd mind…?" Tengu jerked a thumb down the entrance hallway towards a pair of stage-hands, clad completely in black sheets, who were stuck in the grip of the sage's voluminous hair. They struggled helplessly but could not escape.
"Oh! Oh, I'm so terribly sorry. I don't even remember why that's there…" With that, the hair flexed and twisted, releasing the stage-hands. It poured into the room, quickly reabsorbing itself into his head over the course of the next minute as Tengu explained the plot.
"Thanks-thanks. Alright, so here's the story. You are the reincarnation of a lion who was hunted to death after seducing the beautiful lady Okonomiyaki-hime."
"Ohhhhhhhh! Such a laaaame name! OHHHHHHHH!"
"Quiet, Condoriano! So- now you are the leader of a group of forty-seven samurai who stole a magic flute and are using it to get through a guarded checkpoint so you can assassinate the evil Daimyou. Then you meet up with the granddaughter of the same woman you met in your previous life, but you can't ever be together."
"W-why not?"
"Hey, I don't make the rules, buddy. Anyway, on the way there you recall your past as an orphan along with your two blood brothers, who are also lions, when you had been wrongfully imprisoned for stealing a loaf of bread to feed another orphan. But the orphan was actually secretly the god of thunder who granted you a wish, and that's where you got the magic flute. Long story short, all forty-seven of you commit suicide."
"Oh-oh-Okay, that seems fairly straightforward to me, I suppose. But I have a question. Am I a lion, or a human now?"
"Yeah yeah yeah, that's the spirit, good questions, good questions. Alright, get out there!"
"But I- but you didn't-"
Just then, the musical, percussive noises of a kotsuzumi erupted from somewhere off-stage, and they were quickly joined by further musical accompaniment.
"You hear that? You've got no time! You'll be fine! Just GO!" Tengu got up a running start and shoved the man as hard as he could out onto the stage. Caught off-balance, Kumadori stumbled into view of the audience, catching himself on one foot and hopping out onto the stage on one wooden sandal.
*TACK-TACK-TACK-TACK-TACK-TACK-TACK...TACK*
He stopped, glaring out at the audience. The familiar noises of shamisen, biwa, and kotsuzumi swelled up to meet him. From the audience, he was met with traditional kakegoe. Someone shouted, "MATTEMASHITA!"
He took a deep breath. He could feel it coming back to him. He'd never wanted to be an assassin! He'd only done that to please his mother! The music, the atmosphere, the expectation filled him, sustained him, invigorated him! The cry erupted from his soul in response.
"YO-YOI!"
Elsewhere, Usopp and Naruto burst through the front door of the building, gathering speed to make it to the docks in time. Usopp still wore his Tengu mask and cloak, while Naruto still wore his white face-paint. Both were silent for a moment, listening to the sounds of explosive battles in the distance. Then, Naruto spoke.
"Okay, so we gotta get our story straight, right?"
"Right," agreed Usopp, "so here's how it went down- he came after us swinging his staff, and I was like, 'No way am I gonna let you get Robin. Not in a million years, dirtbag!'"
Naruto nodded eagerly. "So then I jumped in and started fighting him, and even though I had a broken arm, he knew he didn't stand a chance…"
A/N: This episode brought to you by Looney Tunes. I'm not apologizing.
If you're wondering where the music came from, it came from the same place Jiraiya gets his.