Lucy POV
It was two weeks since Gildarts had left. It was also two weeks since I'd last seen Laxus, and I'd spent every day drunk. Gray and Natsu were at my house every day, and they'd talk quietly amongst themselves when they thought I was asleep.
"Wasn't it just a fling? Why is she drinking herself stupid over some dumb hookups?" Gray asked softly.
"It wasn't a fling with either of them. That idiotic girl fell for both at the same time and didn't know how to choose." There was warmth in Natsu's voice.
"It was supposed to be just sex…" Gray muttered.
"C'mon, man. This is Lucy we're talking about. She isn't capable of just sex," Natsu scoffed.
He was right. But I knew they didn't really understand. No one understood. I loved them both. I genuinely loved Laxus and Gildarts with all my heart. But Gildarts left. And I still didn't know how to fix things with Laxus.
Though something had changed. Now, my first sip from the bottle begged me to go to Laxus, my second begged me to fix it with him, my third told me that he was the love of my life, and only by the time I hit my fourth sip would I remember Gildarts. Was this what it meant to get over someone? Would I ever truly get over him? I wasn't sure. Because while three sips were dedicated to Laxus, it was that fourth sip that burnt the most.
And now, it had been two weeks. Bottles lay scattered around my house, and I hadn't showered in several days. My every day was a blur. I was unconscious for a lot of it, and drinking whenever I was awake. Apart from fleeting glimpses of Gray and Natsu, I had no memory of how my days were passing. I marked the passing of time by the depletion of bottles.
I was in a daze, sprawled on my couch, feeling miserable about myself. I had reached the bottom of a bottle, but I didn't remember if I had just opened that bottle, or if it was an old one. Judging by the light outside, it was the afternoon, but that didn't solve my dilemma of when I started drinking. And the drinking didn't solve my dilemma over the men I loved. I heard my door open and waited for Natsu's disapproving look.
Instead, Cana walked in. Suddenly, I felt sober.
"Cana," I gasped. I hadn't seen her in so long. She must've been hurting too, after her father left. "Cana, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt him…" I began.
"I know, babe. You don't have to apologise to me. I wouldn't have given you my permission if I wasn't ready to deal with the potential fallout," she assured, taking a seat next to me.
"Word around the guild is that you're now a bigger alcoholic than me," she commented.
I laughed humorlessly.
"No, Luce. That wasn't meant to be funny. This is ridiculous. You haven't cleaned your house, you look like a mess, and no offence, but you smell. So we're fixing that first," she wrapped a hand around my arm and pulled me up.
"No, Cana, let me be," I pleaded, my voice slurring. She dragged into the bathroom, pulling my clothes off, before placing me under the shower. She got in behind me, fully clothed, and started massaging her fingers over my scalp, detangling my hair.
It felt so good, but also reminded me of what a mess I'd become. I needed someone to bathe me, a fully grown woman. I began crying, but Cana didn't say anything. She squeezed shampoo onto her palms and worked it into my hair. Her fingers dragged against my scalp, loosening the built up oil and grime. She gently washed out the shampoo and slicked on the conditioner. She left it to soften my matted hair while she got to soaping my body. Her delicate hands firmly rubbed the strawberry scented body wash over my frame. She held me under the spray as I continued crying, and she gently washed the soapy lather off, before washing out my conditioner. Her caring fingers on my scalp slowed my crying until my eyes were dry. It was a quick shower, but by the end of it, I felt like a new person. She wrapped me in a towel, and led me to bed, where she handed me a glass of water.
"Drink," she commanded. I thirstily slurped it down.
"Now that you're clean, and hopefully more sober, I need to ask: What the actual, god-loving fuck?" she demanded.
"I love them, Cana," I admitted.
"You need to pick, Lucy. You can't have it all," she said firmly.
"I know."
"Who do you pick? Don't think about it. Close your eyes, and say the name of the first face that comes to your mind," Cana instructed.
I did as she asked, and I saw a brilliant flash of gold. It was my memory of Laxus appearing through his lightning outside my apartment, on the night of our date on his roof.
"Laxus," I whispered.
"Good. Do you love Laxus?" she asked.
I nodded. "But, I also-"
"Stop," she held a hand up. "I know you also love Gildarts. But you closed your eyes and made a decision. Does Laxus make you happy?"
I nodded again.
"And do you want to be with him?"
"Yes," I said meekly.
"You will be satisfied with Laxus?" she clarified one last time.
"Yes, I will be," I assured her.
"There you go. You've made up your mind. Now, go to Laxus. And stop fucking drinking. It's not a good look on you," she said with concern.
"I don't know how, Cana. I don't know how to tell him that I choose him," I said sadly.
"You'll figure it out, babe. I know you will," she assured.
"Cana, I'm sorry about Gildarts," I apologised again. I felt so guilty picking another man over Gildarts when his daughter was sitting next to me.
"My father is a grown man who has made his own decisions. You are a grown woman who is finally making your own. Don't apologise, sweetie," she said comfortingly.
"But you know I love him too, don't you?" I asked.
"Yes, I know you love him. But you deserve to be happy, Lu, and right now, you aren't. Right now, you're at the worst I've ever seen you. And over two boys? Please, Lucy, you're better than that. You can't let two boys make you feel like this. I love you, bitch. I hate fucking seeing you like this," she kissed my cheek.
"I love you too, Cana," I laughed, wiping my eyes. "I'll stop drinking, I promise," I committed.
"I mean, you better still down a few vodka crans on girls night, but yes, stop drinking sadly by yourself. You're much, much better than that," she said kindly.
"I wonder when Natsu and Gray are gonna show up," I wondered absently after a while. "They always come by for a few hours a day," I informed Cana.
"Few hours? No, honey, they take shifts and they're here pretty much through the entire day. At least one of them has been sleeping here every night. Do you really not know this?" she asked, shocked.
I was stunned. I had no recollection of them being here for anything more than a couple hours. The depth to which I'd fallen was beginning to dawn on me.
"No, I didn't know…" I choked out.
"Erza and Levy too. They've dropped by several times as well. Lucy, do you really not know?" Cana asked incredulously.
"No, I didn't know," I repeated.
"That's scary, Lu. I'm not gonna lie. How did you let yourself get this bad? No one is worth all this, Lucy. I love you, but you need to get a grip. I'm going to leave now, and Natsu will probably be here soon, but I never want to see you like that again, okay? Never again. Especially not because some idiot man broke your heart. You can't get this bad after heartbreak. It's not worth it. And now you've made your choice, so stick with it. Do what you need to do and fix it, okay?" she said firmly.
I nodded, hugging her.
"Thank you Cana," I said sincerely. "And when you go back to the guild, can you tell Gray, Natsu, Erza, and Levy that I want to see all of them?" I asked.
"Of course, babe," Cana nodded, standing up.
A little while later, my door opened once more, and my four friends walked in to find me cleaning my house.
"You look better, Luce," Natsu commented.
"I feel better. And I probably won't be drinking again for a while," I laughed hesitantly.
"I'm glad you're doing well, Lucy. You had us all worried," Erza said.
"Guys, please sit," I gestured to the couch. They all made themselves comfortable as I took my place in front of them.
"I want to apologise. And say thank you for taking care of me these last two weeks. I don't remember a lot of it, but I do remember that I was in so much pain. But you all stood by me nonetheless. So thank you… I know you must be thinking it was stupid for me to drink myself into a rut because of a breakup, but I do want to tell you all that I really loved him. I was deeply, deeply in love with him. And I am deeply in love with Laxus," my voice choked a little but I continued. "It's a fucked up situation that I never wanted, but found myself in nonetheless. But, I have made my choice. I choose Laxus. And while I may not be a hundred percent over Gildarts, I am working my way there. I want to be with Laxus. I love Gildarts, but Laxus is the one I want. I don't know if he wants me, and I hate that I put him, and Gildarts, and all of you through so much pain. I'll never be able to apologise enough. I'm sorry if my behaviour over these two weeks, and probably even longer, caused you concern, but I am better now, and I am going to fix everything. I swear, I will. I'm sorry for everything I did and didn't do, and I'm sorry you had to clean up my mess. But I love you all. Thank you for holding my hand, and being with me through everything," I said wholeheartedly.
"Jeez, Lucy, what are friends for?" Gray scoffed before standing up to hug me. Immediately, the other three followed, and the five of us remained in a tight group hug for several seconds.
"I'm proud of you, Lu," Levy whispered.
Erza kissed my head and Natsu patted my back.
"Now, I just have to figure out how to show Laxus I love him," I said determinedly. I was met with cheers and exclaims of encouragement.
I did still feel a little guilty that they had to take care of me like that, but I was mostly grateful that they did. Their support and love made me feel so warm, and I knew I could never let myself get that bad again. Not when they all had so much faith in me.
We sat around for a few hours, chatting about anything and everything that didn't involve Laxus or Gildarts. And after several assurances that I wouldn't drink myself to sleep and that none of them had to stay the night, the four finally left.
I ate my dinner in solitude, pondering how to tell Laxus I loved him. Panic started building up in my throat when I couldn't figure it out, but then I remembered my friends, and their unwavering support. They knew I'd fix it, and so I would. I didn't need anyone to fix it for me.
That night, I reread Gildarts's letter. It made me weep once more, but I imagined how horrid he'd feel if he heard how I'd been for the last two weeks. He wanted me to be happy. And I was determined to do just that. He had given me so much love, and all he asked for in return was my happiness. Though I had made my choice, it didn't automatically erase the love I had for Gildarts, and the only way I knew to honour that love was to be happy, like he'd asked me to. I said a silent thank you to him, and prayed that he was alright before falling asleep. It was the first time in two weeks I'd fallen asleep sober, and it was the first time in two weeks I dreamt.
The sun was just creeping over the horizon when I sat up with a start. My eyes pricked with the threat of tears. I had had the most visceral dream. It felt so real that I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to go back into it. I clung to my dream, memorising every part of it before consciousness could steal it from me. When I opened my eyes once more, my room felt foreign. In my dream, I had been elsewhere. Somewhere lovely and golden and warm. My dream had been so real, and with how I'd spent my last two weeks, it had felt more real than my reality. And now, in the cold light of day, I wanted that dream to be my new reality. My brain had made its choice, but after that dream, my heart had finally caught up.
I knew what I had to do.
A/N: I feel like I'm really just giving up my once-a-day posting thing. I'm nearing the end and I'm gonna just post as I write. I'll not lie, I am a little disheartened right now. I feel like my vision for this story hasn't been coming through on paper (or screen, I guess). Like, for example, I never wanted Lucy to be a bad person. Just a confused young woman who had to make a very difficult decision. And there are other small things. I feel like the emotion of this story in my head is different from how it translated into the work. And that's entirely my problem. I'm also getting the sense that the people reading this are increasingly dissatisfied with where I'm taking the story, and it makes me second guess a plot that I'm otherwise happy with. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to complain. I love all your feedback and thoughts and opinions. They really help me in my writing process. But I had started this fic to be an easy breezy smutfic, and it has well and truly turned into a shitshow. Which was not what I had planned at all. I am happy with my story and I am happy with how it grew, but it makes me sad to read people saying they might not continue reading my story. I just feel like I am really not giving you guys what you want, like entirely removing the possibility of a threeway relationship. Anyway, to those of you who have been disappointed with my recent chapters, I'm sorry. I know I can't please everyone, but I like trying to do so.
We're right at the end, so I'm just gonna bang these chaps out. Hopefully you won't have to wait long for the finale! And again, my complaining has nothing to do with your wonderful reviews, and it has everything to do with my crippling need to be liked lmaooooooo.
(Sorry for the long note oops don't mind my little breakdown I'm going through things)