a/n: this is a one-shot from a writing challenge on twitter. This is my little missing scene from Paternity, or post-paternity. After reading this, please go check out others written by EORocks, justanotherbookworm78, FragileVixenFic, MrsWellRested, WriterKC, Chriskapeach, and AlexisDawn. Or just search #PaternityRedux
Paternity Redux - Fragmented
She had been one of the first to be graced with the touch of a new life. There would never be anything quite like it. The inexplicable moment when skin that had never known contact would know hers for one of the very first times.
She hadn't asked God many questions as she had been thrust into the thick of the moment. She hadn't asked why that drunk driver hit her car or why her ears had to be filled with the mechanical whirring of the Jaws of Life. But there were a few questions that had protruded through the barriers of shock. Questions she would never have the answers to, no matter how high and low she searched.
How could this God of theirs force this child to go from knowing nothing but his mother's womb, to being birthed into the midst of chaos?
She had watched the miracle of her partner's life expanding, changing, forever altered. She had watched in ways that felt sacred, and almost deeming herself unworthy.
And when the tiny body of Elliot Stabler Jr. had been placed onto her chest with a warming blanket overtop, something changed inside of her. The rush of unidentified emotions swam through her veins and her eyes closed at their own volition, hiding her from the overwhelming overload of sensations. Though, nothing had changed when she'd re-opened her eyes to see the familiar bright blue oceans staring back at her.
How could she feel so unworthy of this? If what she was feeling was love, then it must be by proxy, coming from wherever in the sky Elliot had been flying through. The vexing sounds of this child's mother's heart failing were not enough to pull her eyes away. How had she suddenly become stitched into her partner's life like this? How had God plucked Elliot from a moment meant for him and placed this child in her arms instead?
And why did her arms feel so empty when he was gone and returned to the arms he belonged to? Why did she feel so empty?
The glass of her vehicle windows was scattered in shards across 151st and Macombs. She thinks that maybe the glass will be there forever, piece by piece being picked up and carried away by the tires of other cars. They will drive over the glass, unaware that it even exists, and carry her defining moment across an unknowable amount of places.
Her shattered pieces will exist everywhere.
She's standing on the sidewalk and his wife and son's blood no longer stains her jacket. Her posture holds no intention of moving, no matter how many times the crosswalk light turns green. She picks the scene apart, though it has now returned to its original state. She could point to every place and name what had been there at the time. To her left had been the route the fire trucks had taken as they'd pulled in. Front and center ahead of her was where her little crushed car had stopped for its last time. To the right was the totaled vehicle that belonged to the man who had nearly taken their lives.
It was gone now.
Life reverted, and the traffic cones had been pulled away. But the reflection of the sun catching the tiniest pieces of glass caught her vision and the scene would never be the same again for her.
When she closes her eyes, she sees those blue eyes staring back at her. A split piece of her partner's soul was within them, just as it was with all of his children. There was innocence in these eyes though. This Elliot Stabler had just met the world as it crashed and burned around them. He was christened by the flames of everything his parents had known going into smoke, and everything he had ever known just being born.
She expected Eli to look at her with fear and confusion, long before he would even know how to convey it. Though, she saw nothing of the sort. She saw him instead. She saw his legacy and his place in the world. She saw Elliot Stabler. This child, only bearing his existence in the world for mere moments, would move mountains someday. And somehow, he had already seen too much.
In his eyes, something connected to her, attaching itself to her soul for the rest of time. His incredibly small hand holding onto her index finger, but giving off no fear, but rather trust. She never once thought she'd ever be able to feel resonation with a child like this, yet there she had been. She felt for him. She knew what was in store for a child like him.
She had once been that child too; a child who was born into the world already knowing darkness.
In a way, she had felt as if she were staring back at herself. Was this what it was like for her during her first breaths? Unaware that the pain was not supposed to be there? Already familiar with knowing an unfair life and an unfair start?
When she stands on the street corner, she feels at home. She knows that pieces of herself are scattered amongst the glass here now, and she feels close to herself. The version of herself that had existed and then, within moments, had vanished.
A part of her wants to be angry. Not at the driver, not at God. She isn't sure who she wants to be angry with. Feeling entangled on yet another level to the man who had been by her side for nine years, it stings an unearthly pain. She won't go down the route of why it stings though.
Although she's looking for the missing pieces of herself on the blacktop, she knows that one of the biggest pieces is no longer in the road. It had been in her arms as the ambulance had torn through the streets of New York. The piece of herself that was currently lying in the arms of Elliot, attached to another soul. Another Stabler. She had given more of herself.
She was fragmented. Sharp and jagged edges of what had broken off and what had been on the cusp of breaking. There was a hole in her chest, chiseled in the shape of a new life she had witnessed coming earth-side.
There would never be any words to explain how difficult it had been to hand him back. Not from a newly birthed instinct or a moment cherished, but rather she knew that Eli had a piece of her inside of his heart now. Handing that away, that ripped the breath from her lungs.
Leaving the intersection feels like leaving a funeral service for herself. The strength it always seems to take to leave the church doors and not look back, she feels it now. But she can't stay forever while searching for the remnants of herself. Instead, she hails a cab and watches the city pass her by as she rides to Mercy General.
She knows Elliot is there and she knows that beneath his worry for his son and wife is the worry of his partner. He knows that she had held it together while waiting for him to show up, and he knows that she probably fell apart as soon as she stepped foot back in the apartment that night. He knows too much for his own good.
As soon as she reaches the maternity ward, she sees him through the glass window of the nursery. Her footsteps come to a halt as she watches him sitting quietly next to the incubator. She could see him speaking softly to Eli, coaxing him to calm down. His hand poked through the access ports, his son's tiny hand gripped his finger now, and she knew that was where he belonged.
She watched for a moment, allowing herself to take the image in and hold onto it. She wanted it seared beneath her eyelids; the portrayal of a man who would die for the love of his child. It wasn't her moment to watch, and even just standing there felt as though she was intruding, but she couldn't bring herself to move.
It wasn't much longer before Elliot had turned his head and saw her staring through the window. A soft and prideful smile grew on his face and it took everything for her not to melt away into the floor. If he was happy, she was happy.
She would be. Eventually.
He darted over to one of the nurses attending the closed off area, and she saw him point in her direction before the nurse nodded.
He smiles as he opens the door, and she assumes that he was asking permission from the nurse. "Hey," he whispers with a grin. There's a new softness with his eyes, but it comes accompanied with exhaustion and an ungodly amount of years added to him after the event. He was still reeling, she could see it as clear as day. She had to assume that at least having the joy of his child took away some of the residuals of the accident. "Come in, come meet him,"
She catches the fault in his words. He's just tired, she tells herself. She's met his child already, she had cradled him against her chest to protect him from the harsh winds of reality blowing over them. She had kept him warm and safe with nothing but a foil blanket and her own shaking body. She already knew him beyond lifetimes.
Carefully, she tiptoes towards the incubator with the ultraviolet rays beaming through the glass. He looks different now and something about it haunts her. Her chest aches and she isn't sure if it's from the force of the steering wheel as it smashed into her chest or the force of seeing this missing part of herself alive inside of a protective barrier.
"He's just got a little bit of jaundice." Elliot whispers again, taking back his seat in the rocking chair beside the bassinet. "He's gotta wear the little eye covers, but a few hours under the lights and he'll be good as new. Right, buddy?" his attentions turn back towards the newborn as he blindly finds his father's callous finger again.
She takes the seat on the opposite side of the incubator. The tone he spoke to his child stirred something endearing within her and she prays that her wistful stares are missed due to the fawning over the baby. She can't help it. She's witnessing something beautiful and so humane in front of her. With the chaos came the calm. He is in love.
"He's beautiful, El." she speaks so quietly that she fears she may need to repeat herself but if she does, she knows she'll cry. Why does it hurt? Another question she wants to ask God. Why does it hurt so badly to see this breathtaking sight? The rawest form of human connection and it burns so badly that she feels as though she's going to lose her breath.
Elliot sniffles from across her and she pretends she doesn't hear it. She can't. If she does, it will become her undoing. She will fall and shatter whatever is left of herself if she sees the tears fall from his cheeks.
She won't allow herself to dream tonight. Maybe not ever again. She won't dream of the life she had wanted so badly, but instead watched it become received by her partner. He was no less deserving, but she can't dream. Not that it should be her holding a child so desperately loved, and more than anything, not a child that belonged to the both of them.
The millisecond of dreaming she had in the back of the ambulance was enough for a lifetime. The single moment that came and went where she closed her eyes and it wasn't Eli and Kathy wasn't dying beside her. The dream that it was her own flesh and blood in her arms.
She'd never forgive herself for that, and there was no going forward with it either.
"You saved him, Liv," Elliot mumbles and she doesn't want to hear that either. She wants to throw her hands over her ears and run from the room. His words are not faulted this time and she doesn't know how she knows that but she does. Because even in a moment of hating herself for dreaming, she knows he's dreaming too, and they're both barreling closer towards the unspoken line drawn in the sand.
They aren't talking about his wife who is down the hall. They aren't talking about her and it's on purpose and if anyone else were to know that, the world would crumble even more.
But nobody really needs to know that in this moment, it's all pretend. It's a far-fetched dream that neither of them allow the thought of. Though, sometimes thoughts slip and fall out of reach just long enough to give a glimpse of everything that could've been.
For now, that was good enough. It was all that could be given.
His phone rings from his pocket and he's frantic to answer. "Yeah — yeah I'll be right there, honey." he answers, hanging up and shoving the phone back into his jacket pocket. "The doctors are asking Kathy some questions but she's still a little out of it. I'll be right back." he says, barely making eye contact with Olivia as he rushes out of the room.
She doesn't watch him leave, she doesn't even take her eyes off of the sleeping newborn in front of her. She can't. Her eyes are pulled to him with magnetic force and there's no point in fighting it.
Alone in the room, she weaves her hand through the access port and gently strokes his arm. That moment, she realizes that she can live without whatever piece of herself now belongs to him. She prays that it's any resemblance of her hope or peace. Something valuable that she could give him, if she could ever give him anything. Just let it be something to counteract the traumatic beginning of his life.
If being fragmented means that he has better odds in the game of life, it's a sacrifice she will make peace with.
"Elliot Stabler Jr." she whispers, leaning in closer with a tear falling down her cheek and pooling on the glass that protected him. "What is yet to come is no match for you... Don't ever forget that."