Lucy POV
That night, we didn't dwell too long on the letter. I quickly changed the topic, and would avoid talking about it when the other three brought it up. They were confused, but finally, didn't think too much of it. I, on the other hand, was absolutely shocked. A letter from Gildarts was the last thing I'd been expecting. And his promise to come see me… I wondered when that would happen. I wondered what to tell Laxus when he returned. Or even if I should tell him. All three girls unanimously agreed that if it was just this letter, it didn't warrant telling Laxus. It wasn't worth upsetting him over a few words. Still, I wondered if maybe it was something I needed to show him. I spent the next couple of days turning this over in my mind as I packed.
As promised, Natsu and Gray would swing by for a little and help me pack, but I had a sneaking suspicion that they were saying goodbye to my apartment too. We would point out various spots around my home, recounting anecdotes of dumb things that happened there as we boxed and labelled my possessions. The number of boxes in my apartment grew with every passing day, and though I was ecstatic to live with Laxus, leaving this home felt bittersweet. It held so many memories. It was the first place that had been wholly mine after I ran away from home. I was going to miss my tiny flat.
My landlady, on the other hand, wasn't going to miss me. The woman nearly danced with joy when I told her I was moving out. But later that evening, she dropped off a plate of cookies, and the tender gesture made my heart swell.
Every evening, I made sure to spend at least a few minutes looking around my home, memorising every last detail of this tiny, wonderful space.
Laxus would be back in three days. That meant I had two more nights in my home. Natsu and Gray had left for the day, and most of my things were boxed up. Only some clothes, toiletries, and utensils were left, which I'd put away right at the end. I walked around, double-checking that all the boxes from today had been properly labelled, before I went to sit on my bed. I flipped open a book that hadn't been put away, planning on absentmindedly skimming the words until it was time for dinner. The sun had set earlier than usual, and the crisp chill in the air told me that winter was right around the corner.
Good thing you're moving in with Laxus. The man is a damn space heater. Is that another dragon slayer thing?
I shivered as a draft blew through my open window, and I impatiently awaited Laxus's return so that he could hug me and keep me warm.
Just then, there was a knock at my door. I wasn't expecting anyone, and as I made my way there, I scanned the rooms, searching for something the boys had missed and were here to pick up.
I opened the door and nearly passed out.
"Gildarts," I choked.
"Hi baby girl," he smiled. He didn't move, waiting for me to invite him in. I stared at him, shell-shocked, for several seconds. His hair was longer, and I noticed a couple new scars on his throat, but otherwise, nothing had changed. He was still perfect.
"Oh god," I whispered, and tears sprang to my eyes. I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug.
"I missed you, darling," he mumbled, crushing me to him, his lips pressed to the side of my head. I walked backwards, pulling him into my home, and he kicked the door shut behind him. It was a few minutes before I released him. Tears were trickling down my cheeks as I looked at him in surprise.
"What are you doing here?" I strangled.
"I believe I owe you a birthday present," he said, reaching into his back pocket. He pulled out a necklace and dangled it in front of me.
It was a thin chain with a tiny key hanging off key looked almost identical to my golden celestial keys.
"I saw this in a shop and it reminded me of you," he said softly.
"It's… It's perfect, Gildarts. Thank you," I whispered, my eyes shining.
"Can I put it on you?" he asked, undoing the clasp.
I nodded, leaning into him slightly. His hands went around my neck, his chest now very close to my lips. He fastened the necklace and allowed his fingers to lightly skim the skin there, causing little shivers to run through me. He dropped his arms to my waist, but stayed very close to me.
"It looks good," he said huskily, flitting his gaze to the necklace before returning it to mine.
"Thank you," I breathed, unable to look away from his eyes. Our faces were mere inches apart.
I wasn't sure who moved first. It could have been him, but equally, it might have been me. I only registered staring into his eyes, and the next thing I knew, his lips were on mine and we were kissing furiously. I pulled him to the couch, pushing him down onto it so that I could straddle his lap. My fingers were tangled in his long hair and his hands were kneading my ass. I moaned wantonly into his mouth, grinding myself into him. Our tongues were intertwined as we hungrily devoured each other's mouths. He moved his lips to my throat, kissing the sensitive skin there. His bulge was pressed into my ass and he was jerking his hips, causing delicious friction against my clit. My hands flew to his cloak and unfastened it. I ran my hands over his toned muscles, thinking how much I missed touching his body. Gildarts hands had slipped under my shirt and he was pawing my breast, pinching my nipple until I was breathing in ragged pants.
I pressed myself to him, wanting more. I needed to feel him on me, and feel him in me. I just needed him. My hands reached down to his pants and I almost undid them when a sudden, crashing moment of clarity struck.
I fell off his lap and scrambled away from him, sitting against the opposite wall.
"I can't," I gasped, horrified at what I'd almost done. "No, no, no, fuck. I can't. Laxus," I choked out his name. Guilt was weighing on me heavily and I felt tears prick at my eyes, but I didn't want Gildarts to see me cry. This wasn't his fault. I didn't want him to feel bad.
"You're with… You're with Laxus?" he asked, mortified.
I nodded numbly.
"And the boxes?" he looked around, noticing them for the first time.
"I'm moving in with him. In two days," I whispered.
"I didn't know… I'm sorry, Lucy," Gildarts said shakily, running a hand through his hair. "Fuck, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have done anything if I knew, I swear," he promised.
"I know. It's not your fault. I wasn't thinking. I… Fuck, I can't believe I did that," I dropped my face into my hands.
The room was quiet for several moments.
"I should go," Gildarts cleared his throat and stood up.
"No!" I yelled. "We still need to talk. But, let's talk from across the room," I said to be safe.
Gildarts nodded, sitting back down.
"Why?" I asked.
"Elaborate," he instructed.
"You make love to me. You hold me. You kiss me. You tell me you'll be there for me. And then you leave without saying anything. Why?" I demanded.
"I left you a letter," he justified.
"No, Gildarts! A letter is not the same! I wasn't some fling that you just leave a thank you note for! I loved you! And I woke up and found you gone! And then I found out you wouldn't be back for two fucking years! Do you know what that did to me, Gildarts?" I asked, angry tears brimming in my eyes.
"Lucy, I-"
"I'll tell you what it did! It started a domino effect that made me want to die! You left and Laxus wouldn't take me back until I chose him. But how do I choose someone when I'm still in love with another person?! So you know what I did? I drank myself into oblivion every night. There are two weeks of my life that I don't remember because I was so fucking wasted the entire time. I drank and drank and drank until I passed out and then I'd wake up and drink more. I don't know if I ate or bathed or anything. I just remember pain. You left me in pain!" I yelled with a sob.
Gildarts looked at me with so much sadness in his eyes.
"Lucy, baby, I'm so sorry… If I'd known… I wouldn't have left you like that. I'm sorry. I know that isn't good enough, but I am. I shouldn't have done that because you were never a fling," he said gently.
I nodded, wiping my eyes. Having finished yelling, I felt all my pent-up rage instantly dissipate.
"But you chose Laxus then? That's good," he said stiffly.
"Yeah, I did," a small smile played at my lips, thinking of Laxus.
"How did that happen?" Gildarts asked, refastening his cloak.
"We'd always talked about our future, and one day, I saw it, clear as day. It came to me in a dream, actually. Laxus, me, a dog, and… and our daughter. When I woke up, I knew that that was the life I wanted. I wanted that family with Laxus," I said softly.
"And you never saw that with me?" Gildarts asked. His voice was sad.
"You never let that be an option, Gildarts… You made it clear you didn't want commitment. You said you moved around too much to sustain that. And that was great in the beginning, but it began to hurt when I fell in love with you. It hurt when you would push me away because you didn't think you could love like that anymore," I took in a deep breath. "Gildarts, I realised I was in love with you before I realised I was in love with Laxus. I fell in love with you harder and faster. But you weren't as madly in love with me as I was with you," I confessed.
"Of course I was, Lucy!" he started indignantly, before realising that this argument would get us nowhere.
"Lucy, I left because I was scared. I was scared of how much I loved you. I was scared I would ruin it like I did with Cornelia. After my fight with Laxus, I thought about how much it may have hurt you, and I thought about how much it hurt me, and with all the love and the hurt… I got scared, Lucy. So I left. I figured you'd move on, and I hoped I would too. But I didn't, baby girl. I never actually moved on. I still fucking love you so much it hurts. It kills me, Lucy. I want to be with you. And I want everything you want. I want a family with you, and kids, and grandkids. I want to marry you, Lucy. And I know people will talk, given that I'm so much older, but I don't care. I want to stop going on missions, and settle down here with you. Because while it still fucking scares me, that fear is nothing compared to the pain of not being with you," he confessed with a long exhale.
I had no words after his speech. I looked at him dumbfounded. How was I to process everything he'd just said? He effectively asked me to marry him, and he finally said the words I'd been dying to hear leave his mouth. Finally, when I couldn't think of one appropriate response, I said the only thing on my mind.
"I wish you'd said all this months ago," I confessed.
"Would it have changed anything?" he asked.
I shrugged. "I'm not sure. I love Laxus, but I loved you too. Maybe, it may have changed things," I admitted honestly.
"And now? Does it change anything now?" His voice was still sad, but with a trace of hope.
I stood up, walking over to him. I pushed his hair behind his ear and cradled his face in my hand.
"Gildarts, a part of me will always love you. And will always miss you. But Laxus… He's the love of my life. Now, months later, I can't even be angry at everything that happened, because at the end of it all, I found my soulmate. It doesn't change anything, Gildarts. Laxus is the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with. But I'm never going to stop loving you. A small part of me will always and forever be in love with you, and will always be your baby girl. Because I fell in love with you first, Gildarts." I placed a gentle, chaste kiss against his lips. I moved back, allowing him to stand up. His eyes were full of hurt.
"I love you, baby girl. Never forget that, okay? I'll always love you," he said softly.
I nodded, and he turned to walk towards the door. Before he could turn the handle, I called out, "Gildarts!"
He turned to face me. I ran up to him, throwing my arms around him and pressing my face to his chest.
"Don't do anything stupid, okay? You'll break my heart if you do. Please don't break my heart anymore," I begged. I was worried he'd go on a bender of his own now.
He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly.
"I won't, I promise. You be a good girl, okay? And I'll see you around. We'll be fine," he assured.
"Thank you for the necklace, Gildarts," I mumbled into his chest.
"You're welcome, baby," he kissed the top of my head.
"And write to me. Please, write to me," I asked insistently. I felt him nod.
"I'm happy for you, baby girl. I really am," he squeezed me one last time before letting go.
"Bye darling," he smiled and winked before slipping out of my front door. I collapsed heavily on the couch, dazed.
I wasn't going to tell anyone about the evening. Not even the girls or Natsu. What had happened was between Gildarts and I, and that conversation was one that no one else had to know about. I doubted anyone would ask me about the necklace, and I also had the feeling that Gildarts wouldn't divulge the details of this evening either.
But when the memory of kissing Gildarts came back, an intense wave of nausea and disgust overtook me. I ran to the bathroom and retched into my toilet. I couldn't believe I'd done that to Laxus. I couldn't believe I'd almost slept with another man. I had cheated on Laxus. I had cheated on him. How could I do that to him? I didn't deserve him.
I sat on my bathroom floor, shaking and crying, hating myself. I had never felt such extreme guilt, and I didn't know who to talk to about it. No, that wasn't true. I knew someone I could talk to.
"Loke?" I called, touching his key.
In a flash, he appeared, sitting next to me on my bed. "What's wrong, Princess?" he asked, concerned.
I took a deep breath and rattled off everything that happened that evening. I told him about the kissing, and Gildarts's confession, and my anger. I vented and cried and screamed and wailed, and when I was finally done, I slumped against my pillows.
"Lucy, will you ever do that again?" Loke asked seriously. "Will you ever kiss another man again?"
I shook my head violently. "No, never," I swore.
"Then stop beating yourself up. Mistakes happen. Sometimes, mistakes like this are terrible. But they happen. Obviously, if you want to tell Laxus, I'll be there with you. But if you don't, I won't judge. If you want to not tell anyone ever, and forget this happened, then I won't judge. You screwed up, and you need to make sure it won't happen again, okay?" he said firmly.
"Should I tell him?" I asked nervously.
"Do you want to?" Loke cross-questioned.
"I don't want to lie to him… But this will hurt. Especially because it's Gildarts. And I won't ever do it again, I swear," I vowed.
"That's tough, Princess. At the end of the day, do what you believe is right. But, if I was in your position, I wouldn't say anything, because you're right, it'll hurt Laxus too much. However, if he were to ever ask about it openly, I wouldn't lie to him." Loke looked at me intently.
I nodded. "Thank you, Loke," I whispered.
"Do you want anything else, Princess? Some tea, or a cuddle maybe?" he winked.
"Get out of here, you crazy lion," I laughed.
He blew me a kiss goodbye before disappearing.
Okay, I could live with Loke's advice. I wouldn't say anything. But, if asked, I wouldn't lie. It wasn't ideal, but I didn't want to hurt Laxus. I never ever wanted to hurt him again. He was my soulmate and I'd sooner die than know I caused him pain. It was selfish, but I only ever wanted to see him happy.
Gildarts POV
I left Lucy's house with a dark emptiness in my stomach. I wasn't lying when I said I'd marry her. I fucking loved her. But when she spoke about Laxus… Her voice went soft and her eyes became dreamy. She was crazy about him. And that killed me. It was my own damn fault. If I'd realised sooner… Maybe then she'd be telling Laxus that I was the love of her life. And it didn't help when she said that she'd loved me first. I didn't have anyone to blame but myself for letting her slip away. It could have been my children she'd dreamt about, and she could have envisioned a life with me. Because god knows, I had seen a life with her. A future with her. I felt miserable. I had only ever loved two women, and both of them got away because I was a goddamn idiot. I couldn't be mad at Lucy, or Laxus, or Cornelia, or anyone. I just hated myself.
And I know I promised Lucy I wouldn't do anything stupid, but right now, several bottles of alcohol and punching as many things as I could find seemed smart as fuck. I walked to the nearest liquor store and bought ten bottles of their cheapest, dirtiest, most-likely-to-get-me-fucked-up whiskey. I then walked up the cherry blossom trail to the spot I'd taken Lucy. And once alone, I played a fun game. For every bottle I down, I got to punch down a tree. But once I lost track of bottles and lost track of trees, I punched and kicked and yelled until I passed out.
I woke up to find a ring of at least 50 trees broken down around me.
Fuck this. I'm going to go see Cana and then I'm leaving here. I'll come back in two years when this mission is done, and maybe by then, everything won't hurt so fucking much.
A/N: Remember a couple chapters ago when I was like "ya I'm not redeeming Lucy"? This chapter is what I was talking about. I always intended for this to happen because she loved both but never truly got closure with one. However, in an initial version, I was going to have them sleep together, but I couldn't do it. Not after all the LaLu fluff. I am weak. Also sorry for an angsty af penultimate chapter, but I will ease your minds by saying there is no more angst after this, I swear. I know I was setting it up for Laxus to find out, especially with what Loke said, but really, that's just solid advice. Don't lie when you've cheated. Ideally don't hide it either, but whatever, Lucy in this story has been established as someone who does dumb things. So ya just as an fyi coz this won't come up again, no one finds out. Hence it not coming up again. Okay yay! We're almost at the end!