Chapter 2

Four years of living in Jackson meant she could largely zone out while walking, only acknowledging the various greetings from those who recognized her with quiet words and curt nods. There was a wariness to a lot of the stares that came her way, or at least, it felt like wariness to her. The subtle way their eyes narrowed and looked over her torn, dirty clothes and the superficial cuts and bruises she'd got a few days back trying to slip through what had been a police station before a runner sent her crashing through a window.

Those close enough did double takes when they looked at the hand holding her backpack strap. Ellie clenched her fingers when they did. There was a dull ache at the end of the two stubs.

The soft notes of a banjo being plucked as she turned the corner drew her gaze, to the old man rocking in his chair and giving her a warm nod. His dog padded over excitedly, the black fur of the old pup's muzzle streaked with grey as she reached down and gently scratched behind his ears before continuing on.

Life had just gone on in Jackson, without her.

Without Jesse.

Without Joel.

Everything was the same, except the way most looked at her. She had known that there were stories of what she did in Seattle before she had ever moved out to the farmhouse with Dina, she knew there were whispers among the gossips of the town. Now that she had left again, Dina had returned with JJ.. Even if Dina hadn't said a word, there would have been stories.

Ellie couldn't decide if she wanted to know what they said. She probably seemed like a monster to them, and that felt deserved.

She sighed, shaking her head as she turned down a smaller street and finally came to the wide porch of her destination. She slid her backpack off and set it down beside the door frame, and then rapped her knuckles against it three times.

Ellie's heart raced. Not in a way it had in a long time, not in the thundering of primal fear but with the anxiety of seeing her again. What could she even begin to say?

Sorry just seemed to fall short.

But it wasn't Dina who answered, pulling open the door and letting light spill through the screen, but Jesse's mom. "Ellie?!"

She gave a weak smile and an awkward wave with her right hand, the remaining fingers of her left hand hanging on the hem of a back pocket to hide the hand from view. She hadn't wanted to lead with that. "Hi, June."

The older woman beamed at her, pushing open the screen door before yelling back inside. "Robin! Ellie is back!"

A few hurried steps echoed on wooden floors and announced the tall man before Ellie saw him round a corner and walk towards the open door, a wide smile on his lips as he approached. "Ellie, it's a relief to see you again, when did you get back?"

But something tore her attention away, and she only gave him a short and distracted answer of 'just a bit ago' as she stared at the young boy in Robin's arms. He had grown in the last few months, noticeably so, and while he still looked every bit his dad, she could see so much of his mom in that nose of his. JJ's hands immediately reached out to her, fingers gripping the air. "Mama!"

Her heart was frozen as a strangled attempt to sob ripped through her chest, and for the first time in a while, a genuine grin reached her lips. She reached out to him, letting his tiny fingers close about her right index finger, but Robin wasn't content with just that. Hiding her injury was forgotten as she soon found herself holding JJ, his little arms hanging onto her as she hugged him tightly. "Oh, I missed you too, potato."

He babbled in her ear as she looked at his grandparents, standing side by side and smiling at them. She couldn't help her own smile, the warmth she felt inside banishing away the aches that littered her body for this moment. "Dina told us what happened.. Everyone missed you, but him most of all."

Guilt was like an itch as June spoke, worming it's way through comfort to dig at her core. To eat at fleeting happiness like a glutton. "Is.. Is she here?"

Robin frowned a bit, and June's smile turned more sad than it had been, before they both shook their heads. "She's at the old workshop, spends a lot of time there."

Looking over JJ's sweet and pudgy smile and giving another grin of her own to him before she handed him back to Robin, she gave a slow nod. "I.. Don't know if I'll be able to come by to see him, so thank you."

He reached out to her again, and she couldn't bear to not do the same, her eyes wet as she let him grip her fingers. She didn't miss the look Jesse's parents shared, and she took a breath to steady herself. Robin bounced the boy a few times, bringing forth happy giggles from JJ before he spoke. "You're always welcome to, Ellie. I'm sure you'll get it sorted."

She finally stepped away from happy child, reaching down to pull up her pack. It felt even heavier now, as if guilt has sapped her strength. She'd missed so much, even his first real words.

Ellie turned away, taking in a sharp breath to cut off the new wave of emotion inside her, and stepped down the well lit porch into the dark streets.

Eugene's 'workshop' was more or less just a shack on the edge of town, Ellie was pretty sure it had been a storage shed of some kind before he came to Jackson. She hadn't been there many times, only now and then to say a quick goodnight to Joel, who would be several beers and stories in with both Tommy and the old man. She smirked at the memory that came to mind.

A few beers, some weed, and her knock had set Joel coughing and scrambling to look as though he hadn't just been caught red handed. She had teased him for weeks after, back when she had thought she could live with accepting that she didn't know the truth.

Her lips fell into a frown.

She shook her head and tried to focus.

Ellie flexed her fingers. Why did pieces of her that weren't there anymore ache constantly?

She blinked, staring at the workshop door and wondering what the hell had happened to her idea to think ahead this time, to come up with something to say, anything that might mend the bridge that she had burned. As it had every day on the long trek back from Santa Barbara, nothing came to mind.

Sorry just didn't seem to cut it.

She knocked on the door twice before opening it, stepping inside.

There was no happy chatter reminiscing of better days, no haze of smoke or the scent of stale beer to greet her this time. Only an old, familiar smell and a back turned to her.

"Just put it in the pile by the door, Grant."

Ellie glanced towards a pile of random junk lying atop a workbench to her right, raising an eyebrow as she saw a half dozen books beside it. One of them was titled 'Idiot's Guide to Electronics'.

A far cry from simple farm life.

They had thrived there, and while Ellie had never considered herself one for the quiet life she had quickly found the appeal of it. Slow days in the garden or with the sheep, warm nights with the girl she loved, and a house filled with the babbles of their son.

Until she had fucked it all up.

"..Hey."

There was a clatter of tools and whatever the other girl had been working on as Dina rounded to face her with wide eyes. "Ellie."

It wasn't relief, not like she had wanted to hear. It was surprise, a shock but not a particularly welcome one from the way Dina took a half step toward her before rocking back to settle in her chair. It was better than she had expected.

Just worse than what she needed.

The air was heavy and tense, and Ellie decided to look somewhere else besides those beautiful and suddenly unfamiliar brown eyes. The warmth that had been there from their very first meeting, that drew her like a moth to flame for years, was replaced with a cold stare.

Indifference?

She took a few faltering steps to meander around the various projects scattered on tables through the workshop, swinging her arms with a sigh. "Electronics, huh?" Ellie risked a glance at the other girl. "I would've thought you'd gone back on patrol."

"I thought about it. But, it didn't feel right without you and Jesse." Dina was careful not to follow her steps with her eyes, looking away every time Ellie caught her trying to study her. Maybe not so indifferent after all. "I also didn't want to risk that JJ might lose his other mom, too, so.."

Wincing at the well deserved comment, Ellie stopped moving, picking at her fingernails, just below the height of the tables. "Right. Yeah."

Silence lingered, even more awkward than before as she swallowed a bit more of her pride to stand her ground. "I dropped by Jesse's and saw JJ, he looks good. He, uh, he even called me 'mama'." There was a look that crossed Dina's face, and Ellie almost flinched from the way it caused a pang of terror to beat through her heart. "I can.. Not do that, if it's not okay with you."

After an agonizingly long moment, the other girl just sighed and shook her head. "No, Ellie, you're his mom too, and he missed you."

"Oh." Even in the rush of gratitude she felt, she tried not to notice the way Dina didn't mention her own feelings on it, she really did. "Thanks."

"Yeah."

There were a few more seconds of loaded quiet between them before Ellie's last bit of courage failed her. "You, uh, seem busy. I'll let you get back to it.." She paused her hasty retreat. "I'm around if you.. Want to talk about it all."

No answer, not even a look in her direction as Dina sighed.

Ellie hoped she didn't look as pathetic as she felt right then, nodding and backing up towards the door. "Okay."

She had given up and turned around when she heard Dina again. "Hey Ellie?"

Turning around so quickly that she almost hip-checked a table corner, she tried to keep hope from her voice. "Yeah?"

"Was it worth it?"

Anxiety and any measure of hope was knocked out of her, Ellie was certain it took a bit of wind from her as well as she met the hard gaze of the other girl and wrung her hands together.

The pads of her fingers grazed over the ends of stubs, and she grit her teeth for a moment before looking down and shaking her head. Her answer was meek, an admittance of guilt for both herself and Dina.

"No."

She didn't dare look back as she opened the door and stepped back out into the night.

True to her word, Maria had sent someone over to unlock the old house that Ellie had lived in from when she had first come to Jackson, the key was still in the knob as she turned it and pushed the door inward. What greeted her was an empty and bare reminder.

The last time she had seen this place, she was packing up to move to the farmhouse, a measure of fear and excitement at following the dream with Dina had overrode everything else. Now there was bare walls and furniture covered in a layer of dust to greet her. She let out a long sigh as she stepped in, dropping her backpack by the table, and kicking the door closed behind her as she stripped off her jacket.

She unbuckled the thigh holster holding her pistol and set it down on the table. Reaching for the revolver stuffed into the back of her pants that she had taken from Joel's before leaving for Seattle, she pulled it out to examine it. It had new scuffs and modifications, but it was still his. Ellie frowned at the scratched barrel.

It seemed stupid coming back here. A step back.

JJ was doing fine with his mom and grandparents, Maria was apparently still willing to work on things with Tommy, Dina had told her exactly what to expect if she had left. They didn't need her.

Joel wasn't here.

Ellie flexed her fingers. It felt like her palm stung now. There was so much to try and move on from, so much to try and fix, she didn't know where to start. There was no good place to start.

She stuffed the revolver into the back of her jeans, reaching for the door knob.

Joel wasn't here anymore, but part of him still was.

Ellie busied herself with brushing dead petals and stray leaves from the top of the headstone, a soft sort of appreciation filling her at the sight of fresh flowers marking his grave. Four years, and while she had made a few friends and largely stayed out of the way, Joel had been a huge part of the community.

It made her smile, to know how many had gotten to share in just how big his heart was. That people still remembered the good he had done.

With her good hand, she drew the revolver from her waistband before turning and sitting down with her back against the headstone. The gun hung loose in her grip, between her knees as she looked up at the night sky.

"The stars are out, Joel"

Ellie sighed as she stared up into the masses of tiny lights that dotted the sky. "I wonder if you'd be able to name any of the constellations.." She laughed, despite the tears beginning to gather in her eyes. "You know I saw that stupid book in your house?"

Right next to his glasses, the night after they talked on the porch. 'The Idiot's Guide to Space'. He'd always supported her 'space thing', always wanted to find new ways to talk about it with her. Until she had shut him out that day in Salt Lake.

She rubbed the back of her hand against her eyes to wipe away tears before they could run down her cheeks, hissing when she clenched all of her fingers and accidentally brushed against the remains of her ring and pinkie fingers.

"I'm sorry."

Ellie wasn't sure what she was sorry for specifically. Wasn't sure if it mattered anymore.

She looked down from the stars.

There was so much to be sorry for, and there wasn't any more time to fix it with Joel.

She pressed her forehead against her knees as she curled in on herself, still clutching the revolver in her right hand. She closed herself off from the world, focused on the feeling of hard stone against her back, the slight discomfort as it pushed against a bruise or two there.

And just like she had since the day she had lost him, she forced herself to sit there until exhaustion made the world fall away.

And she slept.

Author's Note: Would've gotten to this faster, but I've been replaying the game on a New Game+, looking to platinum it this time around. Thank you for the response to the first chapter, it's been quite validating to see so many other people out there needing something more after this game. Anyway, not a lot to say here, lemme know what you think!

-Fox