The Way It Is - Chapter 7
The ride back to Jackson had been one of tense, wary silence. Both of them focused on watching the trees for any more signs of Scars. By the time they had gotten to the gate Ellie was lagging several paces behind Dina, still not sure what had triggered the distance between them again.
She let out a long sigh as she rode in to the town alongside the other girl, stopping to dismount with a groan as it agitated her newly acquired cuts and bruises. Before she could take the horse over into the stables, a hand was laid on the reins and took them from her.
Dina wore that same unreadable expression, but there was a touch of concern in her voice. "I'll take care of these two, go get patched up."
"Okay. Thanks."
Watching Dina lead the horses into the stable for a moment, Ellie turned and walked down the street.
She could have gone to the town's clinic, found whatever supplies they had on hand and maybe some help to stitch up her arm, even this late. She found she didn't want to be in a public place right now.
Everything she had aired with Dina, everything else left unsaid, it all felt so raw.
So she found herself instead heading for her own place, kicking the door closed behind her and removing her weapons one by one. The machete ended up leaned against the small table near the door with her holster, and the revolver was placed carefully on her nightstand. Ellie found her way over to slump down into the chair near her workbench.
She carefully pushed the mess atop it out of the way, making sure not to lose any of the smaller pieces of the silenced weapon she had found in California. Digging into her pack with her right hand, she pulled out the first aid kit she had stashed within.
She set it on the desk and went about unwinding the bandage that Dina had placed around her arm, and then got to work stitching up the long, deep gash as fresh blood leaked through the dried cracks of what she had bled on the ride home.
Ellie was halfway done, busying her mind on the work so she could not focus on the pinch of the needle moving in and out of sensitive flesh, when a knock sounded against her door.
Swearing softly as she pulled the needle through, she stood and let it fall on the string as she walked over to open the door. She barely had time to register that it was Maria before she was engulfed in a tight hug, one that she returned less than enthusiastically. "Thank God you're alive, Ellie."
She pulled back, the older woman following her into the small room and immediately gesturing for her to sit down on the futon. Maria took up the process of stitching her arm from where she had left off, cutting off the beginning of Ellie's protests with a sharp look. "Dina told you, then?"
"And Tommy." The woman glanced up from her work with a small smile. "The radio is coming through loud and clear. Though I do kinda wish the first message wasn't that you had run off."
Ellie looked down, sniffing as she nodded. "I told him."
"He let me know how much of an ass he was."
"I'm the one who let her go."
Maria huffed in annoyance at her statement, but offered no point to disprove it. "You can be mad at him, you know? Hell, I'm mad at him."
"I'm not." She stared at her lap, dragging the sharp and dirty edge of a nail against the callouses on her right palm. "He's right to hate me."
"Hey." The word was spoken firmly, bringing her attention up almost like she was being scolded. "Tommy may be in a dark place right now, and he can say some stupid things when he's upset.. But that man doesn't hate you."
Ellie couldn't hold the eye contact for more than a few seconds as she found herself studying the bare walls of the room. She winced a few times as the stitches were placed, and could feel that the pattern Maria was using was almost a reverse of the way she had been taught, back in Boston. But the next few minutes passed in silence until the older woman gestured for her to pull her shirt up.
Without a thought otherwise, Ellie complied and pulled the hem of the tanktop up. "Christ, Ellie." She realized a second later what it was that Maria had seen, the mass of puckered and stretched scar tissue on her left side.
"I, uh.. Got caught in a trap, hit a broken tree branch."
The older woman shook her head before focusing, wetting a small cloth and rubbing away the dried blood from the cut the scar had left on the other side of her stomach. "You're lucky to be alive."
"Yeah."
It didn't feel lucky. People had made stupid choices and she had killed them.
She had her hands around that woman's throat, had watched the water bubble as the fighting got weaker and weaker against her. But she hadn't killed Abby.
None of it had fixed anything, she still felt like shit every time her thoughts wandered to him and the time they had spent together. It still felt like he was gone, like it had just been random bad luck.
No such thing as luck.
Everything happens for a reason.
When had she bought into those words?
Why hadn't she asked him what the fuck to do when this happened?
Ellie stared at Maria for a long moment.
No one had any fucking answers.
"Well, this one should heal up on its own."
Ellie acknowledged that with a noise, pulling her shirt back down. "Thanks."
The older woman flashed her a warm smile as she rose, looking around the space. It suddenly felt a little shameful that there wasn't anything on the walls. "So, I talked to Jeremiah today."
She knew the name, had seen him a few times, even though they had been in different patrol shifts. She knew he had taken over for Jesse in leading the patrols, and she squinted her eyes at Maria, wondering what she was getting at.
"He had a run in with a pack over at the strip mall today, barely made it out without getting infected."
"Yeah, that place sucks."
"It rattled him. He's gonna be switching to wall duty, and I.." Maria sighed, looking at her with a discerning expression. "I want to offer you the job, if you're set on being back on patrol." There was a moment of pause before the woman spoke again, gesturing at her. "Once you've healed from this."
Ellie breathed out slowly, gathering her thoughts before she replied. "I'm not really.. Good with other people."
"That's one way to put it." Maria chuckled as she folded her arms and looked down at Ellie. "Look, you could use some work, no one is gonna say different. But with Tommy and.. You've got the skills we need."
She tried not to notice that pause, the void that was still so clearly in the community.
"More importantly, a lot of our people haven't had nearly as much experience with the kinds of people outside these walls."
It was her turn to scoff and shake her head as she stood up. "I'm good at killing them, you mean."
"No." Maria spoke sternly, that tone that demanded attention. "You're good at reading them. I told everyone to give these folks from Seattle a chance, and we lost good people today because of that. We lost Joel-" There was a pained emphasis on the name, and it took the breath from Ellie's lungs to hear it. "-because we let our guard down."
"It's easy for people like me and Tommy to do that. We remember how people were, before this." The older woman sighed and looked away, finally letting her relax the tension she hadn't realized she was holding. "For better or worse, you don't have that blind spot."
She flexed the fingers on her left hand. The stitched gash pulled painfully, but the fingers that weren't there hurt more. "Can I think about it?"
Maria nodded, smiling sadly at her. "Of course. I only want you to do this if it's something you want."
A couple of years ago, she would have jumped for the chance to lead the patrols alongside Jesse.
Ellie moved toward the door with Maria, opening it for the other woman. "Thanks, Maria. I'll.. Think about it."
"Let me know what you decide."
"Wait." Silence hinged on the end of her word as she stared at Maria, who turned around with a raised eyebrow and a curious expression. Ellie bounced the door against the toe of her shoe lightly as she considered whether or not to ask her question before she sighed and took the plunge. "Did you know, too?"
For a moment, it looked as though Maria would ask what she was talking about, but then the older woman's expression fell. "Yeah, I knew. But it was after."
That made sense.
"Oh."
A hand touched on the door, preventing her from closing it and running from the conversation, everything that her thoughts were screaming at her to do now. "I get why he did it, I do." Maria let out a long breath, looking out into the night before settling her eyes back on Ellie. "Anyone ever tries to hurt you, I'd kill 'em. You're family, Ellie."
It was a bit of warmth that filled her with those words, and she managed a brief smile. "Goodnight, Maria."
"'Night."
After changing into a fresh t-shirt and stepping out into the warm night, Ellie quickly made her way to June and Robin's. She knocked on the door three times before leaning against the doorframe and blowing air through pursed lips as the heat of the day was very much still here even with the night. It was dry and stifling outside, and likely would be for several days to come.
The door opened slowly, revealing the dark interior and the screen still closed as Robin reached out of view to flick on the porch light, a wide smile reaching the man's lips at the sight of her. "Ellie, good to see you're alright."
"Hey, Robin. Thanks." She nervously shifted her weight as she met his gaze for a half second. "Just wanted to come by to see JJ, and check on Dina."
"Of course, I'll go get them." Robin turned before looking back over his shoulder to where she was awkwardly standing. "You wanna come in?"
"Oh, yeah, thanks." She pulled open the screen door and stepped inside, immediately letting out a sigh of relief as the air conditioning washed over her sticky and sweat streaked skin. Most of the rooms inside were already dark and it looked like the entire household was starting to wind down for bed.
Robin disappeared around the corner, and Ellie busied herself with turning to look over the pictures present in the small room. There were a few big chairs in here, and small round tables with dozens of different pictures atop them. Robin. June. June with Robin, smiling happily at one another. Them with Jesse, his arms around both of their shoulders and that charming grin on his face. One of her with Jesse and Dina, all of them laughing as they sat on and against a log in front of a bonfire.
Ellie stared at the guitar next to her, her thoughts casting back to that music shop in Seattle.
"That was a good night."
The voice pulled her from her thoughts as she whirled back to find Dina, who looked to be freshly showered and in cleaner clothes than any Ellie currently owned. She was holding JJ against her hip, and the little man's face brightened up at the sight of Ellie into a wonderfully bright smile.
She returned it with one of her own, stepping forward to rest her hand on his shoulder as he babbled excitedly at her. "Hey potato, being good for mom?" Ellie smirked. "Yeah buddy."
Her eyes slid from their boy to Dina, and she was struck again with how beautiful the girl looked, lit as she was by the light out on the porch. "It was a good night."
Dina's eyes watched her carefully, her expression guarded as she tilted her head. "You okay, Ellie?"
"Yeah. Maria helped me get this sorted out." She raised her freshly stitched arm, earning a wince from the other girl. "I just wanted to check on you. You seemed, I dunno, different after what went down out there."
"Oh." Dina moved a bit closer to her, offering JJ with a small noise. Ellie eagerly took him, holding him close as she made a face at him and earned a giggle, his pudgy hands grasping on the fabric of her t-shirt. "It just was a lot. Especially because it happened there."
It clicked for her then, the weirdness after they had dispatched the Scars. It had been home.
It had been safe.
But Dina continued after a long moment of looking at her holding their son. "It was probably for the best we weren't still there."
That caused a deep pang of hurt to blossom in Ellie's chest as she looked up at the other girl, frowning. "I'm sorry." She almost reached out, but she settled for flexing her fingers, feeling that new and familiar ache in the stubs on her left hand. The air was heavy, too heavy, and it felt like every passing second was another bit shoved into the distance between them. She bounced JJ in her right arm, and smirked as she tried her best to break down that wall she could see building. "I mean, I really should have fixed those stairs."
The effect she had desired was immediate as it drew a giggle from Dina, a small little laugh following by a pained groan as a hand found its way to the girl's forehead. "You're such an ass."
Letting out a small chuckle of her own, Ellie nodded as the boy she was holding laughed along with them. "I know."
Beautiful dark brown eyes met hers, really met hers for the first time since she had been back, as their shared bit of humor died down in the quiet of the house. Dina pushed her hand back through the curls of black hair and just shook her head as Ellie let her smile linger.
It almost felt like it used to.
A frown found her lips.
Desperation found her heart.
Was this how he felt for years?
"I really wanna fix this."
Dina stared back at her, expression once again becoming that unreadable mask that left her thoughts spiraling for a long, long moment of there being no noise but the insects chirping outside and JJ's oddly timed babbles as he picked at her shirt. "I don't know if you can, El."
Now the tears she had felt burning all day came, just a few at the corners of her eyes, as she nodded and maneuvered to hand JJ back over to his other mom as he looked at her a smiled as he said 'mama' in a slow and sleepy way.
Dina took him easily, the natural way they moved with him still there after their time on the farm. She looked at him with a small smile before her eyes slid back over to Ellie. Her expression didn't drop this time, and that smile remained. It just grew a bit more sad. "But I want you to keep trying."
The weight and pressure that had been building in her chest suddenly found some relief as she let out a shaky breath and nodded solemnly. "I-I will."
Ellie moved to take a step back, to pull away with what she considered the best outcome for this conversation, before she could fuck something up again. But a hand stopped her, reaching up to gently cradle her cheek. A calloused thumb rubbed against her skin, wiping a tear off the freckles and the light sunburn there.
She didn't dare breathe as Dina moved in to press a light kiss against that same cheek, only letting it out after the other girl had settled back to standing in front of her. "Thank you, for saving me today."
Ellie let out a small, very shaky laugh as she shook her head, glancing down before looking back up at Dina. "Back at'cha."
It felt like old times, it felt familiar to speak so casually with her.
It almost felt like it used to, but it didn't leave her sad this time.
Hope, for the first time in a long time.
"Anyway, I'm.. Gonna go crash." She fiddled with her two remaining fingers on her left hand with her right for a moment before taking a step forward and leaning in to kiss the top of JJ's head. "Goodnight, potato."
With another breath to steady herself, she looked back and pushed open the screen door, holding it as she glanced towards Dina one last time. "'Night, Dina."
A smile on the girl's lips as she held their son. "Goodnight, Ellie."
Author's Note: Whew, been over a month. Sorry about that! Hope everyone is staying safe and sane in these times. Thanks for reading, and hopefully I'll have the next chapter out faster! 'Til next time! -Fox
Go check out MikanRopp on Twitter, they did a wonderful piece of art for Chapter 2 of this fic and shared it with me. First time that's happened for me, so I was really just blown away by it! Or, check out the story on Ao3 for a link to it directly. Thanks again MikanRopp, seriously was really cool of you! 3
Update(6/2021): Been trying to figure out where I wanted to take this, but it ends on a hopeful note that I feel works for it. Marking this one as complete, thank you for reading 3