"You look kind of shell shocked," Mai said as she took a seat beside her friend.
"That's one way of putting it," Oliver replied.
They both stared out of the café window at the passers-by.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He did not respond. Did he want to talk about it?
In truth, he did not want to even think about it. It was a problem that was too big to fix. He did not even know where to start with a problem like that.
"Do you want to talk about something else?" Mai offered.
Again, Oliver remained quiet. Other things would just be a distraction from this problem.
"I should not have invited you here."
"I thought 'should' was a thinking error," Mai replied in a light teasing tone. "I'm guessing your mood is because of what you discussed in therapy today?"
Oliver nodded.
"Just particularly hard hitting today?"
He nodded again.
"I do not know how to recover from this…" He struggled for a suitable word. "For this revelation?"
"What did the therapist say?"
"That we need to talk about it so I can process it or something."
"That sounds reasonable," Mai said. "This might just be a thing that takes time. Which I realise you don't like one bit."
"No, I don't."
"You want a solution now and allowing your brain to process stuff doesn't feel like a solution, right?"
"You know me so well."
Mai smiled.
"Why don't you talk to Gene about it? Or is that too much?"
"I… I don't know. I am concerned he will either have the same revelation, or that he will feel guilt for not feeling the same way I do."
"He's a different person, it's normal for him to feel different."
They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Oliver spoke again.
"I have had thoughts that he might also be on a spectrum too."
"You think?"
Oliver nodded.
"I think he is better at masking than I am. It is something more common in girls, but I think Gene might do it too. But I also think he would not ask to get tested so that there was no comparison between us. It feels like he's given me this excuse to be different and he'll just accept his own suffering."
"Have you talked to him about this?" Mai asked.
"No. But I know my brother. He's about the only person I do understand."
"I'm not sure if I should be offended by that."
Oliver snorted.
"Was this revelation about your birth parents?"
"Something like that," Oliver said. "I thought that because we left at such a young age that we had somehow escaped any lasting trauma imparted by them."
Mai nodded sympathetically.
"Turns out I was wrong."
"It's been known to happen."
"I… I think I am starting to understand why Luella is the way she is… And why I am so often at odds with her."
Mai frowned.
"What do you mean?"
"I do not know what being loved looks like. My birth parents barely kept us alive, let alone showed an interest. Luella is showing what she thinks love looks like, but my brain, after so many years of not knowing it, does not recognise or trust it."
Mai did not say anything for a minute as she processed Oliver's words.
"That makes sense," she said finally.
"It does. But I don't know how to fix it. To suddenly change and reciprocate Luella's actions would be disingenuous. I will not do that."
"That would be cruel to Luella," Mai agreed. "But is she someone you want to show love to? Do you really feel that way about her? Or do you just feel obliged to because they adopted you?"
Oliver opened his mouth, then shut it again.
"I do not want to see her hurt," he said after a few minutes' deliberation. "I care for her general wellbeing. But I do not know if that is love. Google was not much help either."
Mai let out a soft laugh.
"What about Gene? You love him, right?"
A look of immense guilt flashed over Oliver's face for a moment.
"Oliver?"
"I don't know. I do not know if what I feel for him is love or just some sort of… I do not know the word. But a bond due to our shared trauma. If we had never gone through that, would we be as close? If I met him today, would I still end up caring for him?"
"He's a nice person, I don't see why you wouldn't."
"There are a lot of nice people out there, Mai. That does not mean you love them all."
Mai bit her lip.
"But you did share that trauma. And you do care for him. And maybe if things had been different, you might not have cared for him. But that does not change the here and now, does it? Just because it's not pre-destined that certain people will always care for each other in every version of the universe, doesn't make what you feel now any less valid, right?"
"I'm not sure I subscribe to the parallel universe theories," Oliver muttered.
"Which makes this universe even more valid. You can only experience things how they turned out, right?"
"Right…"
"And as for showing people you love them, there's no rush. You can do it in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Like, I read this story about this woman who's partner never said the words 'I love you', but he did this thing where he squeezed her hand three times in a row or something. And that was his way of showing her he loved her. And as soon as she realised this, she realised he was telling her he loved her all the time. Maybe you can find your thing. And maybe it'll be different for different people."
"What if I can't do it?"
"You're the most intelligent person I know Oliver, and while this might be something you struggle with, I believe in you."
"How do you do it?"
"Show love? By dropping everything to rush to a coffee shop to talk to a friend. Because I have abandonment issues from both my parents dying and don't want anyone else to feel alone."
"We're a mess, aren't we?"
Mai smiled.
"Yeah. But we'll get through this."
"Do you think everyone has shit like this to deal with?"
"You know, I used to think they did. I used to be convinced that everyone had some deep-seated trauma from something, but given how a lot of people act, I think there must be people out there who haven't." She sighed. "I hope there are people with their biggest trauma being something mundane. And while I do not want to compare traumas and all that, I hope there are people that have not had to go through what I have… Or what you have…"
"You're a good person, Mai."
"So are you Oliver, even if you don't believe it."